


All that Glitters is not Gold

by Denrhea



Series: Glitters [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Yakuza, Bratva, Confident Yuuri, Domestic Violence, Escaping physical abuse, Gun Violence, Happy Ending, Hurt Victor Nikiforov, I promise, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Older Yuuri, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Katsuki Yuuri, Russian Mafia, Violence, questionable connections, reverse au, younger victor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-10-25 11:16:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 65
Words: 161,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10763163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denrhea/pseuds/Denrhea
Summary: Summary:  This is a reverse AU where Yuuri is the champion and the idol and Victor is the skater who has lost his way.  Abuse has stripped away the confidence that was once shown during the junior championships by the silver haired beauty.  Could Grand Prix Legend Yuuri Katsuki help Victor shine once more?TRIGGER WARNING:  This story has several incidents of and references to physical abuse, violence, and rape.  Rape is not graphic because I refuse to glorify it.





	1. Stand By You

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This story has several incidents of and references to physical abuse, violence, and rape. Rape is not graphic because I refuse to glorify it.
> 
> This work is FINISHED. You are welcome to leave comments but I may not necessarily reply.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri finds Victor injured in the locker rooms after the final.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

[ Stand By You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwB9EMpW8eY)

 

Yuuri watched the young skater take the fall with a wince.  He could hear the gasp of the crowds behind him.  The skater pushed up and forced his way to the finish but Yuuri knew he was shaken.  Finally, he wrapped up and pasted on a brave face.  Shaking his silver pony tail back off his shoulder, he skated, head held high, to the kiss-and-cry.  His coach handed him a water bottle and Yuuri could imagine the conversation taking place.

 

He had researched the silver-haired beauty when he found him among the competitors.  At 23, the younger man could reach great heights with his jumps.  He interpreted his stories beautifully.  Watching the videos he found posted, the young man should be able to reach the podium.  Why was this the first time he was seeing him?  It was like the man disappeared once he transitioned into the senior division.  However, he was a hurricane among the juniors taking medal after medal.  What happened?

 

The man had managed to claw himself into the Grand Prix Final but today was not a good day for him.  Something was off before that landing.  Someone must have gotten into his headspace and Yuuri sincerely hoped it wasn’t another skater.  He firmly believed that the skate itself should determine the win, not the psychology.

 

Yuuri realized that two more skaters had competed while he was lost in his thoughts.  It was his turn.  He skated into position.  The music to the composed[ piece](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26I1hs1bg3o) meant to represent his life and career began to filter into the room.   He gave a convincing skate to the song but he knew something was missing.  He had love and support from family and friends.  Yet, he was lonely and longed for something deeper.  A bit of sadness crossed his expression as he took his final pose.

 

The applause erupted and he knew once more he had secured his position on the podium.  He forced a smile.  He should be happy…yet, an emptiness filled the air around him.

 

* * *

 

Accolades and press behind him, Yuuri moved back towards the dressing room ready to change to his street clothes for a while.  Most of the skaters were gone.  He was surprised to hear someone sniffling as he came around the corner.  He approached the dressing area quietly and peeked around into the enclosed space.  The silver hair hung loose over the shoulders of the man hiding his face.  Something lurched inside Yuuri and he moved closer.

 

Dropping down before the other skater, he peered up into that tearstained face.  The other man tried to turn away, shoving away his tears only to wince at the action.  Yuuri reached up, not knowing what compelled him, and smoothed the hair back from the other man’s face.  “We all have bad skates,” Yuuri murmured.

 

The other man nodded.  “It’s just…I finally made it only to crash.”

 

“If you look back at my past video you’d see that I did as well,” Yuuri reassured him.  “I’m Yuuri.”

 

“I-I know.  I’m Victor.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Come on.  Let’s get you cleaned up.”

 

The other man took the offered hand and Yuuri helped him to his feet.  Leading him to the sink, Yuuri took a paper towel and dampened it.   He washed Victor’s face, removing the makeup in the process and some of the tearstained signs.  Victor lifted a hand to push aside another escaping tear and it was then that Yuuri got a good look at the wrist.  He took the hand and very gently pulled the sleeve back to look it over.  “You need to take this to the medic.  Did you skate like this?”

 

Victor nodded.  “I didn’t say anything.  I didn’t want them to stop me from skating.  I didn’t think it would affect me.”

 

Yuuri’s lips tightened.  “We are going to get this looked at now.  Come on.”

 

Yuuri led the younger man to the medic station.  They had just sent their last skater off and were surprised to see Yuuri walk up with Victor.  “Can we help you?”

 

“Yes,” Yuuri answered.  “Will you take a look at my friend Victor’s wrist?”

 

They quickly moved to the younger man’s side and helped him onto the table.  His shirt was hard to push up so they asked him to remove it.  Yuuri stepped forward to offer a hand.  Victor tensed as the fabric was lifted from his body.  Yuuri was certain it was a good thing Victor couldn’t see his reaction to the multiple bruises on the other man’s body.

 

“You’ve been taking a lot of falls,” one of the medics commented.

 

Victor chuckled bitterly.  “Yeah, you could say that.”

 

“The ice can be harsh,” another medic added.

 

Yuuri knew injuries on the ice.  These were very different.  What the hell had happened to this man?

 

“Okay, I’d keep that wrist wrapped for about a week and ice it on fifteen minute intervals,” the first medic advised.  “It doesn’t look to be broken, though.   You are lucky.  I watched you go down on that fall.”

 

“Not my most graceful moment,” Victor stated dryly.

 

The medic smiled weakly.  “Perhaps not.  But it won’t keep you off the ice.”

 

* * *

 

Victor followed Yuuri back to the dressing room.  He knew the other skater had become quiet.  

 

He gathered his gear and changed to a t-shirt and sweats.  Pulling on his team jacket, he waited for the other man.  They were the last two skaters at this point.

 

Yuuri came out of the dressing area drying his hair with a towel.  Stopping before Victor, he shifted uncomfortably.  They were alone now.  “So, Victor…about those bruises,” Yuuri began.

 

Victor shrugged.  “It’s personal.  I just ask that you don’t say anything.”

 

Yuuri studied him for a long time.  “Is there anyth…”

 

Victor cut him off with a shake of the head.  “Just don’t…please.  I would rather nobody know.”

 

“That’s not a skating injury on your wrist,” Yuuri stated quietly.

 

Victor slowly shook his head.

 

They walked towards the entrance.  “I’ve seen you skate before,” Yuuri stated.  “During the Juniors.  You were amazing.”

 

“I seemed to have peaked during those days,” Victor remarked, a bitter edge in his voice.  “My seniors have been less than remarkable.”

 

“I don’t necessarily agree.  You have skill and your jumps have excellent height and form.”

 

“What good does it do me if I can’t deliver when it counts?”

 

Yuuri hailed a cab and offered to share it with Victor which worked out well since Victor spoke the language.  Soon they were on the way to the hotel.

 

“Don’t give up,” Yuuri stated softly before they parted ways.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri laughed at his friends’ antics as they moved past the formal portion of the banquet.  He had met with sponsors, mingled with ISU officials, and talked with several coaches and skaters.  It was time to relax and enjoy the rest of the evening.  Chris and Phichit had found a pole that provided structure to the building and were putting it to other less honorable uses.  He shook his head at their rather risqué dance on the pole as they tried to draw him into the performance.  Sure he had introduced them both to the dance style.  However, he had no desire to reveal that side of himself to this group of people.  Besides, he was watching for another glimpse of long silver hair.

 

He caught sight of him earlier standing with his coach.  He seemed recovered and composed as he talked with a few sponsors.  Yuuri was glad to see that he might still have offers on the table.  One bad skate should not destroy a skater.  Victor had talent.  He could see that easily.

 

He later glimpsed the man talking rather seriously with another man that stood even taller than the silver haired beauty.  The conversation took on a rather heated tone and then the second man stalked out of the banquet.  Yuuri lost sight of Victor shortly after that.

 

As Yuuri took another glass of champagne from the tray, he spotted Victor once more.  He grabbed a second glass and decided to approach the man.  Victor looked up with surprise as Yuuri offered him the flute.

 

“Thank you,” he murmured, his smile forced.

 

“These events are a necessary evil to support our sorry asses,” Yuuri commented, lifting his glass to wave around the room.

 

“I know what you mean.  The politics and the business side of matters are never my favorite part.”

 

“It could be worse.  They could have invited the press.”

 

Victor blanched at the thought.  “I think I’d have stayed in my room.”

 

Draining his glass, he watched Victor do the same over the edge of the glass.  “Do you dance?”

 

Victor chuckled.  “Is it possible for a figure skater to not dance?”

 

Yuuri held out a hand in invitation.  Victor hesitated then shrugged.  “What the hell,” he murmured tossing his hair and following Yuuri onto the dance floor.

 

One dance after another, Victor found himself relaxing under the attention of the Grand Prix gold medalist.  As the evening came to a close, Victor found himself reluctant to part with this man with the warmest brown eyes.  “I have to go,” he whispered.

 

Yuuri nodded, a note of sadness in his expression.  “If you ever need a place to go…”

 

“To Detroit?  America?  It’s a long ways away from home.”

 

“Perhaps distance is what you need,” Yuuri murmured.  “Can I at least give you my contact information?  You can decide what you want to do with it.  I promise not to contact you unless you reach out to me first.”

 

Victor’s lips parted.  He swallowed down the emotion threatening to overwhelm him.  Handing Yuuri his phone, the other man entered his information.  Victor looked at the name before looking up.  “Pan?”

 

“From my short program.  I thought…it would be safer for you not to have my name in your phone.”

 

Victor gasped and nodded.  “Thank you,” he whispered.

 

* * *

 

 

**Chris/ So you know he has a boyfriend, right?**

 

**Pan/ Victor?**

 

**Chris/ Yes.  I didn’t want you to get hurt.**

 

**Pan/ I’m more worried about him getting hurt.**

 

**Chris/ …**

 

**Chris/ Do we need to watch out for him?**

 

**Pan/ I think so.  Keep it quiet.**

 

**Chris/ I am the very nature of discretion.**

 

**Pan/ I’ll tell Phi**

 

**Chris/ Another lost boy…I remember when you rescued me.**

 

**Pan/ And I’d do it again.**

 

**Chris/ I know.  Let me know how I can help.**

 

**Pan/ For now, I promised to let him make the next move.**

 

**Pan/ He has my contact information.**

 

**Pan/ I don’t want to put him at greater risk.**

 

**Chris/ Understood.  You know those videos went on Instagram and other social media.**

 

**Pan/ Videos?**

 

**Chris/ Check your notifications.  You and Victor dancing at the banquet is making its way around.**

 

**Pan/ Shit!  Is there any way to stop it?**

 

**Chris/  Ask Phi.**

 

* * *

 

**Pan/ Can you take down some video?**

 

**Phi/ It depends on how extensive.**

 

**Pan/ The dance video from the banquet.**

 

**Phi/ O.O**

 

**Pan/ I don’t want Victor to get in trouble.**

 

**Phi/ I can start but even if I take all night, I will barely scratch the surface.**

 

**Phi/ I’m sorry.**

 

**Pan/ I had to try.**

 

* * *

 

Victor stared at his phone the next morning.  Mikhail had not come back to their room and he slept alone.  Part of him was relieved.  The notifications on social media informed him that his dancing with Yuuri was recorded and shared across the internet, however.  A myriad of emotions filled him.  Yuuri’s offer of a safe place started to sound attractive.  Fear vibrated down his spine.

 

The door to their room opened.

 

Victor looked up to meet the stormy expression of his lover.  He knew instantly that Mikhail saw the videos.

 

“Masha,” he murmured.  “I was worried about you when you didn’t come back to the room.”

 

“I can see that,” Mikhail spat.  “I leave you for a moment and you turn to some foreign trash and whore yourself out.”

 

“It was just a dance,” Victor defended quietly.

 

The blows were practiced and swift, always where nobody would see.  Mikhail left him lying there as he threw their clothes into their suitcases.  Victor pushed himself up weakly.  He knew he had to pack his skating costumes and skates or everything would be crushed.  He pulled out the garment bag and removed the items that would remain on a hanger to situate them inside.  He only winced when Mikhail wasn’t looking.

 

An hour later, they left the hotel for the airport.  Victor had glanced across the lobby to meet a pair of brown eyes as they left.  He dropped his gaze and followed Mikhail out.  It's better this way.  Yuuri will forget about him.  

 


	2. Lost Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is disappointed to learn Victor is not competing in the World Figure Skating Championship. Unable to get Victor off of his mind, he analyzes Victor’s program from the Grand Prix and skates it.

* * *

 

[ PLAYLIST ](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY)

* * *

[ Lost Boy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58TBZnvyGwQ)

 

 

**World Figure Skating Championship – London, Ontario, Canada**

 

Yuuri watched for that silver head of hair at the Worlds.  He finally spotted some of the Russian team jackets.  He knew Georgi.  The man looked up at Yuuri’s approach.  “Is Victor here?”

The man shook his head sadly.  “He’s recovering from an injury.  Nothing too major.  He can still go into the Grand Prix series.  I’m sure he’ll be in some smaller competitions before then.”

 

“Oh, okay.”  Yuuri’s expression shadowed.  He worried about what kind of injury Victor received and whether or not it was related to skating.

 

“I’ll tell him you asked, though,” Georgi volunteered.

 

Yuuri glanced towards the Russian skater and thinned his lips.  “Maybe you had better not.”

The other man shrugged.  Yuuri could tell that he had no idea what was going on with his teammate.  Yuuri sighed, trying to keep his annoyance out of his movements.  Pasting a smile on his face, he nodded and moved on to warm up.  Part of him itched to text Victor but he promised to let him decide to reach out.  How could he do so indirectly?

 

He soon moved into position.  Could he be Pan to Victor’s[ Lost Boy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqIIttZTmUw)?  Would Victor come to him?  The first strains of the song came out.  He continued to dance the part of Pan inviting the Lost Boy to him.  The skate took on deeper meaning as Yuuri used his movements to invite Victor to come to him.  He knew how to protect him from Captain Hook.  He just had to get him out.  Victor had to take that first step.  

 

He painted the world of freedom, the family he offered.  He didn’t know in what capacity Victor would see him if he came to his side but he planned to meet him where he was.  Part of him laughed inside.  This routine began as a joke among friends.  Yuuri was often teasingly referred to as Peter Pan by his friends because he had so much innocence even at his age.  Phichit and Chris and even Takeshi called themselves his Lost Boys…Yuuko was of course Tink.  His final pose finished with a hand held out in invitation as he found a camera.   _Come to Never Never Land, Victor.  Let us protect you._

 

* * *

 

Yuuri stepped off the podium to face the reporters.  “Is it true that _Yuuri on Ice_ was your swan song?  Are you retiring?”

 

Yuuri pasted on a smile.  “It is a little early for that.   _Yuuri on Ice_ was a shout out to all of the support I’ve been given along the way.  It was gifted to me by a friend who writes a number of my original compositions.”

 

Finally shaking free of their questions, Yuuri moved back to the dressing room to change.  

 

Flashes of memory hit him as he reaches the mostly empty room.   _Victor.  Are you okay?_  Yuuri sighed as he changed his clothes.  He knew that the promise was necessary but he couldn’t count the number of times he took his phone out to check on the man.

 

The reporters’ questions came back to him as he left the dressing room.  Is he ready to retire?  His grandfather had talked to him about taking over the business but Yuuri laughed and said he didn’t want to get in any deeper than already.  He had cousins that could take the lead.  But if he gave up his spotlight, what would that mean?  He’d rather stay in the figure skating world.  However, his grandfather paid for his life, his education, everything.

 

It was time to go home.  He needed to see family before he made any decisions.  What would his parents say?  His father would tell him to stay away from his grandfather’s holdings.  They begrudgingly accepted the help from the old man Katsuki Takehiko and thus far there have been no strings.  Yuuri sighed.  He had used those family connections in the past to help others.  He truly had a good relationship with his grandfather.  That didn’t mean he wanted to follow in his shoes.

 

* * *

 

A week later, Yuuri found himself in Hasetsu at the family onsen.    He sat surrounded by family and close friends.  Finally, Yuuko asked the burning question.

 

“Why are you thinking about retiring?”  Trust Tink to get to the heart of matters.

 

Yuuri looked up above their heads gathering his thoughts.  There were so many scattered about.  “I…feel like I’ve plateaued.  I don’t know where to go from here.  So maybe it’s time to change directions.”

 

“But you still love skating,” Minako pointed out.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Yes…that hasn’t changed.  I’m not even disenchanted.”

 

“What started this?” his father asked.  “You’ve wanted this your whole life.  Now that you’ve won a few medals you want to walk away?”

 

“Skaters don’t have a long career,” Yuuri reminded him.  “But…I think it was when I was asked if my free skate was my swan song.  I hadn’t thought of it like that before.  I need something…new.”

 

“So you’re bored,” his sister Mari stated flatly.

 

Yuuri tilted his head thoughtfully.  “In a way.  I want a new challenge.”

 

“Working for my father is not that challenge,” Yuuri’s father stated.

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “I’ll figure something out.  I am just…waiting.”

 

“What for?” Yuuko asked.

 

“I’m not sure.”

 

Yuuri’s restlessness took him to the rink over the next two weeks.  He didn’t feel like skating his old routines so he pulled out the video he had of Victor’s free skate.  He started to dissect it, making only a few minor adjustments to the choreography.  Once he had the dance laid out, he took to the ice and began putting it together.   _Stammi Viccino.  Stay Close to Me_.  The song had been so mournful in nature.  He was crying out for help.  Yuuri wanted to answer that cry but how?

 

The answer came unexpectedly and indirectly as a set of triplets recorded Yuuri’s skate, posting it to social media.  Yuuko called him in a panic, afraid they had leaked a new program out.  “No, no, Yuuko.  It is another skater’s program.  They skated it last season.  I wanted to see what I could do with it. It’s fine.”

 

He didn’t expect it to go viral.  He didn’t know Victor had been tagged as people made the connection.  He should have.  The skating community was a small, tight group.

 


	3. Bird on a Wire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the emergency room once more, Victor tells the attending physician that the injuries sustained are due to falls on the ice. As he leaves the E.R., he finds himself at a crossroad.

* * *

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

* * *

[ Bird on a Wire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKDMiyRmbik)

 

**St. Petersburg, Russia**

 

The attending physician recognized Victor when he entered the emergency room.  “Another tumble on the ice.”

 

“Too many late night practices,” Victor responded automatically.

 

The doctor nodded and Victor didn’t know if the man accepted his excuses.  Regardless, he was led back to a treatment room.  Ribs…would he be able to skate this season?  He needed to get out.  They taped him up and restricted him from any overhead activity.  He looked at the paper they gave him feeling defeated.

 

When he arrived back at his apartment Mikhail was gone as expected.  He’ll be out drinking the rest of the night.  Or maybe he had another bed.  Victor no longer cared as long as it wasn’t with him.  He sat on the couch and stared blankly at the wall in front of him.  A nudge on his hand caught his attention.

 

“Hey, Makka.  I…don’t know what to do.”  Victor’s phone buzzed with a notification.  Mila.  Earlier that week, she was the one person at his rink that asked him if he was alright.  He didn’t know how she knew these things but she seemed to pick up on when he was having a rough time even when he could hide it from the rest.  She asked him if he needed a place to stay.  He told her he was fine, that he didn’t want to drag her into his troubles.  She looked at him sadly and he knew she wanted to do more.  Now she was texting him.  

 

He knew Yakov knew as well.  His coach had picked him up at the E.R. more than once trying to force him out of the situation.  Victor was too afraid. Mikhail had a lot of connections.  What should he do?    

 

He pulled up Mila’s messages.

 

**Mila/ Hey, did you see what Katsuki skated?**

 

**Mila/ It’s your Stammi Vicino**

 

 **Mila/** [ **https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6-eKBEHg1U**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6-eKBEHg1U)

 

**Mila/ Why did he skate your program?**

 

**Victor/ I’m not sure.**

 

**Mila/ What are you going to do?**

 

**Victor/ That’s the question of the day.**

 

Victor watched the video and then watched it again.  He then thought back to the World Figure Skating Championships.  Georgi came back and told him Yuuri asked about him.  And the _Lost Boy_ routine seemed so personal as if it was directed to him. He brushed it off at the time as wishful thinking.  Why would Yuuri care about him?  Now, however, he started to rethink that idea.  What if…Yuuri was reaching out to him?

 

He thought back to the night of the banquet.  For that short period of time, Victor felt safe.  Victor felt…human.  What was it Yuuri offered?  A safe place? Would he be safe with Yuuri?

 

“Makka, I’m about to do something rash.”

 

Victor pulled out his phone and looked through his contacts.  Pan.  Where would he be?  It had leaked on social media that he left Detroit.  Somewhere in Japan.  Victor began to research Yuuri’s biographies and finally he found it.  Hasetsu.  A hot spring resort owned by his family.  Would he be there?  He looked at the phone in his hand.  Mikhail paid for this phone.  Damn.  He began clearing his phone of any information that would lead to Japan.  He then shut down all of his social media sites.  He needed to disappear.

 

He slipped out of the apartment with a duffle thrown over his shoulder and a dog leash in hand.  He needed to get into the rink.  He took a cab but got out a couple blocks away at a nearby park.  After the driver pulled away, he walked towards the rink.  He knew the back door had a trick to it.  Slipping around to the service entrance, he glanced around nervously.  Breaking and entering was not technically in his skill set.  However, desperate times and all…

 

Victor messed with the handle until it released.  He slipped into the darkened room and secured the door.  Using the flashlight on his phone, he moved towards the locker rooms.  He needed his skates and a few other things.

 

As he reached the locker room, he dropped down on the bench, his head in his hands.  What was he doing?  He forced himself to breathe through the panic threatening to take over.  Makka pawed at him and he reached down to run his fingers through her curls.  It seemed to ground him.  He refocused his efforts.  He had to do this.  If he didn’t, he might not live through the year.  And for some reason, Yuuri wanted him to live.  He grabbed hold of that promise.

 

Reaching his locker, Victor began to remove the items he planned to keep.  He had been stashing things here over the last few months.  Since the GPF.  Reaching underneath the shelf, he found the envelope he had taped there.  It held a disposable phone with the information he needed programmed into it, his passport (Victor lied when they returned from Euros and said that Yakov kept it), cash, a credit card, and a bank card completely unconnected to Mikhail.  Yakov helped him to set it up months ago.  Mikhail didn’t know about it.  Hopefully he could flee the country without him being tracked.  

 

He reached for his team jacket.  Would he still be on the team?  Would Yakov understand?  He fought the tears threatening to overwhelm him.  He didn’t have the luxury of tears.  Time was short and he had to get moving before he was missed.  He shoved everything into a second bag.  Sliding a brief note under his coach’s office door, he left.  It simply said, “I’m out.  Don’t worry about me.  V.”  His last contact he made was to Mila.

 

**Victor/ Don’t say anything about that video.**

 

**Mila/ I won’t.  Your Instagram is shut down.  Are you okay?**

 

**Victor/ Yes.  For the first time in a long time.**

 

Victor turned off his phone and left it in his old locker.  It would be found and handed over to Yakov once his coach realizes he is gone.  Maybe something on it will help him out later.  For now, he had to make sure that he will not be tracked.  His phone at the rink wouldn’t look suspicious right away to Mikhail.

 

He caught a cab a few blocks away and took it to the airport.  He would be free soon.  As he purchased his ticket he started to feel lighter.  He made the necessary arrangements for his dog to travel with him.  It would be a long flight so he went to find a couple of books in the bookstore.  A Japanese/English dictionary and a murder mystery.  Moving back to the lounge, he waited for his flight to board.

 

Two hours later, he found himself looking out a window to the ground slipping further away.  In thirteen hours, he’d be in Japan.  

 


	4. Scars to Your Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri returns from practice to learn a guest has arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love to hear from you. Comments, kudos, and shares are my favorites! :)
> 
> Thank you, BluSkates for reading for me.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

[Scars to Your Beautiful](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWASeaYuHZo)  


Yuuri jogged back to the onsen lost in his own thoughts.  His practice had gone well although he was still struggling to put together his programs.  He felt in limbo.  His coach still resided in Detroit.  Yuuri needed time home but he found it harder to think about returning.  He always took a month or two after worlds in Japan.  He felt greedy wanting more but that was where his heart lay.  Something kept grounding him here.

 

He arrived at the onsen and opened the door only to be greeted by a large poodle.  “Oh, hi!  Do you belong to one of the guests?”  They were a pet friendly inn and Yuuri grew up greeting a number of furry friends.  The dog followed him into the main space where his father looked up.  “I seemed to have made a friend.”

 

“She belongs to a foreign guest who asked about you.  He can be found in the meditation gardens.  Seems a bit lost.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted but he was afraid to let his heart hope.  He slid open the door and stepped into the garden.  Following the labyrinth inward, he knew this space well.  It helped him refocus sometimes when he felt overwhelmed by his thoughts.  He reached the center.  A fountain recycled water in a quiet gurgle designed for peaceful relaxation rather than display.  On the stone bench staring into the ripples sat Victor.  Yuuri moved to sit next to him and waited.  The other man didn’t move at first.  Then he asked quietly, “Did you mean it when you said I could come here?  That you would keep me safe?”

 

“I will if that is what you want,” Yuuri promised quietly.

 

“He broke my ribs this time.  I don’t know if I will be able to compete.”  Yuuri watched the defeat play across the other man’s features.  “He took so much away but I could still skate.  Then he took that away.  If I stayed, he might have taken the rest of me.”

 

Yuuri kept his expression open and encouraging.  “You left…that’s the first step.”

 

Victor drew himself in, fear tightening his muscles.  “What if he finds me?  What if he tracks me down?  He’s got the resources.”

 

“One step at a time,” Yuuri responded.  He reached out a hand but didn’t want to touch the other man without permission.  Victor looked at it then slowly took it.  “I did not make an offer that I couldn’t back up.”

 

Victor finally turned and lifted his eyes.  Blue eyes edged in red, puffy from shedding a lot of tears.  “Why do you want to help me?  I don’t have anything to offer you.”

 

“Not everyone is looking to take something from you,” Yuuri whispered, smoothing back silver strands from Victor’s face.

 

Victor shrugged, turning back to the water.  “I don’t know.  It’s been…my life.  I’m…lost.  What do I do?”

 

Yuuri squeezed his hand.  “First, we make sure you have a safe place to sleep and we will see what kind of trail you left.”

 

“I…left my phone behind,” Victor whispered, going through his steps.  “It was his.”

 

“That’s good.  We need to look at the money trail and the travel information.”

 

“I used a credit card not associated with Mikhail.  I have a new bank account that Yakov helped me to set up.”

 

“I have a friend that is good with computers.  Give me your travel information.  I’ll have him…make some…adjustments to your movements.  A few crumbs sent another direction.”

 

Victor looked at the other man with surprise.  “You can do that?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Don’t ask how.  I’ll pull some favors.  If you want my protection, you’ll have it,” Yuuri reassured him.  “But you have to trust me.”

 

Victor turned to the water, his shoulders tense.  “It’s hard…to trust.”

 

“I haven’t broken any promises I’ve made to you so far,” Yuuri murmured.  “Isn’t that a good place to start?”

 

Victor nodded, uncertain but willing to take a chance.

 

“Now, why don’t I take you to where you’ll be sleeping?”  Yuuri held out his hand.  Victor looked at the hand a moment before taking it.  Yuuri tightened his hold, grounding the other man.  He guided him through the maze and into the house.  Spotting his father, he spoke in Japanese to the older man.  “Papa, Victor will be staying with us for a while.  I’m going to put him in my old room if that’s okay.”

 

His father smiled accepting, used to his son’s penchant for strays.  What was it, two years ago when he brought that blond boy home?  Now Chris was a fixture at times.  “Okay, son.  Let me know if you need anything.”

 

Yuuri led the younger man up the stairs and down a hall.  “That’s where I sleep and we’ll have to share that bathroom,” he explained as they progressed.  They reached the door at the end of the hall and Yuuri opened the door and invited him in.  Looking around, he laughed.  “I haven’t been in here since before I left for Detroit.  I didn’t know that it would still have all of those posters up.”  An array of different skating idols decorated the walls.  Victor glanced around with a soft smile.  “I’ll get you some fresh sheets and blankets.  You can go ahead and unpack.  That closet should have what you need.”

 

When Yuuri returned, he could see a sparse line of clothes.  “You had to leave in a hurry.  I suppose you need to do some shopping.”

 

“Maybe…tomorrow?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “We’ll go out and take care of that then.  You are probably tired.”  Yuuri helped Victor strip the bed and add the fresh covers.  “Do you want to rest?  I can wake you for dinner.”

 

“Do you mind?  I don’t want to be rude.”  Victor watched the older man for any subtle changes that would indicate displeasure.

 

Yuuri’s smile offered reassurance.  “Not at all.  You’ve had a long trip.  It’s about three hours until dinner is served.  I’ll wake you a little before.”

 

Victor sighed…with relief?  “Thank you…for everything.”

 

Yuuri closed the door and crept back down the hallway towards his room.  He had the itinerary Victor slipped into his hand before he left the room.  Now to call Phichit.

 

“Phichit, I need a favor,” he greeted.

 

“No hi, how are you, what’s going on with your life…I see what I’ve become to you,” the other man teased.

 

Yuuri chuckled before continuing.  “He got out, Phichit.  I need you to help cover his tracks and buy me some time.”

 

“He?”

 

“Victor.  He’s here.  I’m going to send you some pictures of his itinerary.  Can you help me erase the trail?”

 

“As you know, erasing is hard…but I can redirect it.  Send the pictures and I’ll start establishing the mirrors.”  Yuuri heard Phichit tapping away on his computer and knew he laid the phone down on his desk.  They roomed together for years.  They were the Robin Hoods of the skating community and would often intervene and take care of things.

 

Yuuri had a tendency to have information fall into his lap.  He was good on the computer but he couldn’t touch Phichit’s skill.  That man was a ghost.  In the cyber community, he was known as Spectre.  Yuuri’s presence was less visible because he didn’t delve as deep but he went by Locksley.  He had connections and back doors that let him into secret places.  Those who knew him is Pan wouldn’t associate the two which gave him another layer of defense.

 

“I’m switching him out with another passenger.  Bora Bora is lovely this time of year.  Is there a money trail?”

 

“I’m working on it as we speak.  I’ve found his credit card that he used.  Okay.  It now just shows a transaction for a ticket but nothing exact.  Now the card is reported as stolen.  I’ll tell Victor that credit card is burned.  I’ll set him up with another one tomorrow.”

 

“I should have known you had a back door into the finance world.”

 

“Grandfather.”

 

“And your parents don’t want you to work for him.”

 

Yuuri laughed bitterly.  “Well, _most_ of his business dealings are pristine.  But you and I have utilized the other connections a time or two.”

 

“Yes…and we may have to again.  For Victor.  I’ve been researching that man he’s been living with.  I can see why he was afraid to leave.”

 

“So have I.  It’s not going to be easy but I don’t think Mikhail appreciates the friends that Victor has made.  I’ll use that underestimation to my advantage.”

 

More keys sounded in the background.  “Okay…I’ve got a tag set for anything involving Victor and Mikhail.  I’ll be able to redirect the information as it comes to light.  Unless Michail is a hacker, he won’t be able to keep up.”

 

“You’re the best, Phichit!  That lets me concentrate on the man.”

 

The other man giggled.  “Golly, what a day!  You keep me from being bored.”

 

“What can I say?   I can’t resist a hard luck story,” Yuuri shrugged.

 

“You never could,” the other man murmured.  “Oh, does he have a phone?”

 

“He said he left it behind.  If he has a burn phone, I’ll make sure it’s encrypted or get him another one.”  Yuuri paused a moment before stating, “No, I’ll get him another one.  I’d feel better if I’ve programmed it.”

 

“Why did you even need me?”

 

“Because I know you are thorough and between the two of us, we’ll do a better job.  Oh, and to keep you from boredom.”

 

“Thanks for thinking of me,” the Thai man laughed.

 

“Two hackers are better than one.”

 

“I know your parents are unaware of this side of you.”

 

“And hopefully they stay that way.  Now, I’ve got to go.  You know how to reach me.”

 

“Later, Yuuri.”  The signal died.

 

Yuuri tossed the phone on his bed and closed out the sandpit he was in.  He then sent a message to his grandfather to request a meeting.  The response returned almost immediately.  His grandfather had time tomorrow.  <i>Why don’t you come for dinner at six?</i>  Yuuri quickly agreed and said he might be bringing a guest.

 

His final measure he took for the evening was to contact the head of security for Hasetsu operations.  He knew there were bodyguards around him all the time.  He sent Victor’s picture and told them to protect him.  Then he sent the picture of Mikhail and his personal information, pinning him as a potential threat.  With that task completed, he moved downstairs to spend time with his family.

 

* * *

 

Victor looked around the room after Yuuri left him.  The vestiges of the older man’s childhood he had said.  However, among the posters, he found one of him from when he was sixteen.  Why would he have that on his skating wall?  His skill couldn’t touch the man in the other room.

 

The year this picture was taken, though, he won the Junior Grand Prix.  The following year he took Junior Worlds as well.  At eighteen, they transitioned him to seniors…and he fell off the radar.

 

“I looked…confident back then,” Victor whispered.  Had he changed so much?   Was there anything left of that man in the poster?  Had Mikhail taken so much from him?   He knew in his heart he had relinquished too much.  He needed family.  He needed love.  Those needs placed him in reach of that beast…and he was nearly devoured.  

 

Will Yuuri be his prince and rescue him?  Is it wrong to wish for a fairy tale at his age?   He traced the figure in the poster.   _I want to reclaim that person I once was…I’m tired of walking the tightrope, tired of balancing on a wire.  The next crash could kill me._

 


	5. Don’t Let me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri works to build trust with Victor and Victor struggles with finding his place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for your beta reads and your support. 
> 
> Now for the rest of you, let me know what you think. Comment below or at least leave kudos. If you love it, share it, bookmark it, subscribe. Thank you so much for reading.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

 

Victor roused awake by the shake of a gentle, warm hand.  He stiffened at first, forgetting where he was, then realized this was not Russia.  He turned to see warm brown eyes greeting him.

 

“Dinner will be ready in half an hour,” Yuuri invited.  “My mother made katsudon.  It’s a family favorite.  My favorite.  It will warm you up inside.” Yuuri reached out a hand like he would touch Victor but then pulled it back.

 

“Th-thank you,” Victor murmured as he shifted into a seated position.  He watched the brunette back out of his space but his expression was open and welcoming.  Victor touched his hair and felt the tangles that had formed as he slept.  “I usually braid it before I sleep.  I should…do I have time to shower?”

 

“Of course.  Make yourself at home.  I’ll be in the den when you are finished.”

 

Victor nodded, not certain what he expected.  He gathered some of the necessities he managed to pack before moving to the bathroom that Yuuri had pointed out earlier.  His head still felt cottony from the sleep.  Stepping in front of the mirror, he could see the strain around his eyes making him look older than twenty-three.  His sleep-mussed hair was tangled into knots where he had slept on it.   _What am I doing here?_  As he started to undress, he sighed in resignation.   _I have no other place to go.  I don’t know where to go from here, though._

 

Victor set the taps and stepped into the shower.  The warmth of the water welcomed him.  He washed the travel smells and sleep sweat from his body.  Feeling more restored, he dressed and stared at his reflection once more.  He picked up the wide toothed comb and started working out the tangles.  Once finished, he picked up the elastic and pulled his hair up.  He looked…normal.  His clothes covered his injuries as he knew it would.  Except for the occasional wince when he moved wrong, no one would know anything was wrong.  

 

He found Yuuri in the den playing with Makkachin.  Stopping at the entrance, he felt something stir in him.  Yuuri looked up and met his eyes, offering him a welcoming smile.  “Feel better?” he asked.  Victor nodded.  He still felt shell shocked, disoriented.  Conversations flowed around him but he didn’t understand them.  At least his hosts spoke a common language with him.

 

Yuuri guided him to the family table and he followed Yuuri’s lead.  His mother soon brought out steaming bowls.  “This is katsudon, Victor.  My mother makes it better than anyone I know.”  Yuuri’s mother beamed at the compliment.  “It is what we would call in English a pork cutlet bowl.”

 

Victor took the offered chopsticks and tried the first bite.  His face lit up and Yuuri saw the first full smile since his guest arrived.  “Vkusno!” he exclaimed.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Now you see why it’s my favorite.”

 

Victor nodded as he consumed the dish realizing he hadn’t eaten in over a day.

 

Yuuri glanced over towards his mom and nodded.  They both had observed the hunger in the other man and his mother was hell bent on rectifying the situation.  With another dish before him, Victor looked up in gratitude.  “Thank you…umm, I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”

 

Yuuri threw his hand over his mouth and blushed.  “I’m sorry, Victor.  My manners!  Okaasan, this is Victor.  He is a figure skater and will be staying in my old room until further noticed.  Victor, this is my mother Katsuki Hiroko.”

 

Hiroko smiled a welcoming greeting.  “You are a friend of my son.  Just call me mama or Okaasan.  I’m sure my husband feels the same.   Has he met Toshiya?”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “Yes, but not formally.  Where is he?”

 

“Issues with the hot springs.  He went into town for parts for one of the pumps.”

 

Yuuri turned to Victor with a smile.  “I’ll introduce you both formally later.”

 

“Thank you for making me feel welcome,” Victor responded.  He started when Yuuri’s hand covered his and squeezed it.  Human contact that didn’t hurt or have an agenda.  He stared at that hand and remembered when Yuuri found him after the GPF.  He was kind and his presence made him feel safe and protected.  That sense still surrounded him.  He felt grounded next to this man.

 

After dinner, Yuuri offered to wash and Victor followed him, uncertain of his place.  “Can I help?”

 

“Why don’t you dry?” Yuuri suggested with a smile.  “Then if you feel like it, we can take a walk.”

 

“A walk sounds nice.  Makkachin would like that,” Victor smiled uncertainly.  Yuuri turned on some music.  Victor scrunched his nose.  “Salsa?”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “Dishes go faster if you put a beat to it.”  Victor watched in fascination as Yuuri danced his way through the pile of plates dirtied by guests and family.  This was followed by glasses.  As Yuuri passed them into the rinse sink, Victor retrieved them, dried them, and stacked them for the shelves.  They fell into an easy rhythm, and Victor found himself laughing as Yuuri interjected the dance steps into the chore.

 

“Will you dance with me, Victor?” Yuuri asked as they finished the last dish.  Victor’s lips parted in surprise.  Yuuri stilled.  “I’m sorry.  I…don’t mean to push.”

 

“No…it’s just that I’m still…raw from my last relationship.”  Victor dropped his eyes.  Yuuri’s hand took his and Victor stared at that connection.

 

Yuuri studied the man thoughtfully and decided to go with honesty.  The man deserved that.  “Victor, I won’t lie.  I am attracted to you.  I’m sure that was apparent at the banquet.  However, I’ll take care of you without obligation.  I was only offering a dance.”

 

“I…am grateful.  But I’m confused about my feelings, Yuuri.  I’ve been under his control for so long.”

 

“Why don’t we become friends?  It’s always a good place to start.”

 

Victor smiled at the offer.  “I can…be friends.”

 

“Good.  Let’s go for a walk.”  Yuuri grabbed his elbow and led him into the main living space.  Leash in hand, Victor followed him out the door.  “I’ll take you on a better tour tomorrow.  For now, we can head towards the beach.”

 

Victor nodded, tugging his jacket in place.  They walked in silence through the streets in Hasetsu as they wound towards the coastline.  When they reached the beach, Yuuri took his hand and pulled him to a secluded space.  Victor would have hesitated but Yuuri had such a sweetness around him, he found it easy to trust his motive.   _How can this man protect me?  He’s so naïve and innocent._

 

They settled on a grassy patch and Victor released Makkachin to chase the waves.  The sun was sitting low on the horizon and the waves greeted them with peace.  Yuuri stretched back and stared up at the darkening sky as he murmured, “I come here a lot when I need to think.  The sound of the ocean rhythmically slapping the beach settles my thoughts.”

 

Victor studied the trek of the waves as he tried to put his thoughts together.  “Why did you invite me?”

 

“Because…I didn’t like the idea of you being trapped in a situation you couldn’t escape.  I…offered you a way out.”

 

“I don’t know if you can protect me.”

 

A smile touched Yuuri’s lips.  “The records show that you flew to Bora Bora.  The credit card you used to purchase the ticket shows the same and is now reported stolen and effectively burned.”

 

“H-how?” Victor stuttered in surprise.

 

“Never ask how,” Yuuri stated.  “That’s the first rule.”

 

Turning back to the ocean, Victor pulled his knees to his chest.  “I want to believe I’m safe here.”

 

Yuuri slipped an arm around him, resting a hand on his shoulder.  Leaning close, he murmured conspiratorially, “There are four men between us and the road.  They know to blend in but they are making sure no one causes problems.  If someone unpleasant did approach us, they would be disarmed if necessary and removed from my presence.”

 

Victor’s eyes went wide with alarm and he looked around, unable to make out the men in the shadows.  “H…why?”

 

Yuuri smiled.  “You’re learning,” he praised softly.  “Tomorrow I am taking you with me to meet my grandfather.  That meeting for all intents and purposes is to introduce him to my friend Victor while I have a pleasant meal with him.  However, I will use his connections because he can further insure your safety in Japan.  Don’t ask how.  Just go with the flow.”

 

Victor frowned.  “Why would your grandfather care about my safety?”

 

“Because I’ve decided you are important to me,” Yuuri explained, a tender note slipping into his tone.  “That’s all that matters.”

 

“I don’t want to be…a burden,” Victor huffed in frustration.

 

Yuuri reached out a hand and took his.  With a squeeze, he coaxed Victor to turn and look into his eyes.  “You are not a burden.  This is something I do.  You aren’t the first I rescued.”

 

Victor considered that for a moment and in the context of their earlier conversation.  “Are you always…attracted to them?”

 

Yuuri’s chuckle was warm like a summer breeze.  “No…honestly, they have all become friends and allies.  However, I’ve never had any romantic leanings towards them.  This is a…first.”  Sitting up, he turned to brush a loose strand of hair behind Victor’s ear.  Victor held perfectly still at the touch, uncertain about how he felt about it.  “It’s not why I offered, Victor.  However, I am drawn to you.  What do you want?”

 

Victor’s expression grew wistful.  “I just…want to skate.  On the ice I’m most at peace.  Everywhere else is uncertain.”

 

Yuuri smiled and Victor felt overwhelmed by Yuuri’s attention.  However, Yuuri made it easy for him and focused on skating.  “Then why don’t we see a doctor and get you cleared to skate,” Yuuri suggested.  “If we know when, we’ll be able to plan from there.”

 

“H-he’ll find me!”  The panic edged Victor’s voice as he started to tremble.

 

“By the time you are competing, I’ll have plenty of protection in place.”  Yuuri smoothed Victor’s hair and stroked his hand around his jawline.  “I’m not going to let him hurt you.”

 

Victor unconsciously leaned into his touch.  He lowered his eyes as blush crept up his cheeks.  “I-I’m not worth your time, your attention,” he whispered.  He lifted his eyes back up, though, and he was certain that he failed to hide the hint of desire there.

 

“I disagree,” Yuuri murmured.  “And I suspect that as I get to know you better, it will only reinforce that idea.”

 

As they watched the sun continue to set, Victor unconsciously leaned into the shelter of Yuuri’s arms.  For now, he was safe.  He dared not hope for love but in this moment safe felt like enough.

  
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grandpa will show next chapter. I needed to settle our guest in properly.


	6. The Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor finding his feet and meeting Yuuri's grandfather.

* * *

 

[ The Lonely ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsBAyWUEAgA)

* * *

  


Victor woke up the next morning feeling a little disoriented at first.  The sunlight was still silver through the morning’s haze.  He pushed back the blankets and slipped out of the single bed, regarding the room with a smile.  Yuuri’s warmth and his love of skating could be seen on every surface of the room:  posters on the walls; old skates hung like trophies; pictures of him in skating costumes, dance classes, skating lessons, friends hugging him.  Some were familiar faces and some unfamiliar.  Victor smiled as his fingers traced over the silk of an old costume.  Yuuri must have worn it as a child; it was so small.  It matched with the picture of a chubby little Yuuri standing with two rink mates in what Victor assumed was the local rink.

 

Dressing in a pair of sweats and t-shirt, he slipped out of the room.  It was generous of Yuuri to share such a private space with him.  Yuuri’s interviews left out all of the truly personal aspects of his life.  He was immensely private and protected that privacy with skill when the press started to push for information.  Even Yuuri’s dating life was an enigma.  A few photos caught him with one or two of his friends.  Nothing risqué ever showed up and it left people questioning, curious.

 

Victor followed his nose and found himself in the kitchen.  Hiroko looked up and offered him a warm smile.  “Sit!  Let me make breakfast for you.  Yuuri is out running.  Makkachin went with him.”

 

“Thank you…mama,” he responded, hesitant about the familiarity.  Hiroko’s face lit up with its use and he relaxed.  Soon he had eggs and a bowl of rice in front of him followed by some fruit.

 

“This is how Yuuri starts his day.  I hope it is fine with you,” she stated.

 

“It’s great.  Thank you.”  Victor blushed, unfamiliar with the warmth he found himself surrounded by since he had arrived in Hasetsu.

 

She continued working in the kitchen and Victor smiled as he realized that she danced around the kitchen just like Yuuri.  She, perhaps, didn’t have quite her son’s skill but she enjoyed it every bit as much.  She stopped in front of him as she dried a dish.  “We’ve had a number of Yuuri’s friends through here.  When he was in school, there was a young man…his name was Hikaru.  He lived with us for his last year in school because his family threw him out.”

 

“Why did they do that?”

 

“They said he brought shame on the family because he was gay.  Yuuri found out he was living on the streets and brought him home.  We made a space for him until he finished school and moved out.”

 

“Were they dating?”

 

“We wondered that at first.  However, I never saw signs.  Nothing like Mari.”

 

“Mari?”

 

“Oh, you haven’t met Yuuri’s older sister.  She is away visiting friends and attending a concert.  She should be home in a couple of days.”  She paused as she put away the dish and picked up another.  “He comes by it naturally, you know.  His father was like that.”  She smiled softly, lost in a memory.  “There was a girl that made a poor choice.  She was thrown out of her house because she was pregnant.  She didn’t know where she would go.  He took her home and she was overwhelmed because he was from a wealthy family.  He took care of her and his father welcomed her because she was important to his son.  Then one day he married her and treated her daughter like she had never belonged to anyone but him.  Yuuri is so much like his father.”

 

“I see his mother in him, too,” Victor said with a smile.  She brightened at the comment. “Was Hikaru the first person he helped?”

 

“No, not the first.  And certainly not the last.  He’s a good man.  You could do worse than putting your trust in him.”

 

“I think…I knew that.  He was kind when no one else took notice of me.  He offered me an escape.  I didn’t take him up on it right away.  I don’t think I was ready then.”

 

“It is good you came.  He will take care of you.  We all will.  Now, eat.  You are too skinny,” she chided as she placed another dish in front of him.

 

Victor laughed and felt the warmth deep within.  Perhaps he could find healing here.

 

A click of nails on the floor caught his attention and he turned to see Yuuri enter the kitchen with Makka.  “Good morning,” he greeted.

 

“Good morning,” Victor responded, dropping his eyes shyly.

 

Yuuri smiled warmly.  “Let me shower and I’ll show you around town.  If you need anything, we can get it then.”

 

“Okay, thank you.”

  


* * *

  
  


“We are having dinner with my grandfather this evening,” Yuuri reminded Victor as they wandered through the shopping district.

 

Victor picked up something random off of a rack and studied it.  “I should probably look for some more appropriate clothes.  I…didn’t bring much.”

 

Yuuri didn’t comment.  “I’m wearing nice jeans and a button up.  My grandfather will be in a suit but he never expects that out of me.  It would be fine if you dressed similar to me.”  Yuuri guided him into a clothing shop.  The sales team surrounded Yuuri and he laughed.  “No, I am fine.  My friend may need your help.”

 

Victor was taken back to be measured while they fussed about how to dress the tall Russian.  They had a few pieces of adequate length but they might have to take in the seams.  By the time they left, Victor had one outfit in hand that he could wear that night and several others on order.

 

“Honestly,” Yuuri stated as they entered the street, “I don’t own very many pieces myself.  Quality over quantity.  My grandfather made sure I recognized good quality and I picked up a few good pieces and only update with a few pieces each season.  Most of my wardrobe is skate, dance, and workout clothes.”

 

Victor laughed.  “I’ve had my share of expensive suits,” he admitted.  “However, when it came down to deciding what to bring, all I could think about was what I needed to skate.”

 

“I understand.  Well, this gives you an excuse to rebuild your wardrobe.”

 

They stopped at an outdoor restaurant serving kushiage for lunch.  “Grandfather will order generously when we join him.”  Yuuri explained.  “I try not to fill up when I know I’m having dinner with him.”

  


* * *

  


When they arrived home, Yuuri was asked to go out and help his father work on the pump.  Victor trailed behind.  “Hello, Yuuri,” his father greeted.  “Will you hand me that wrench?”

 

“I could do that for you,” he stated as he passed the tool to his father.

 

His father chuckled.  “It’s fine.  I’ve just about got it.”  He turned the tool a quarter turn.  Closing the hatch, he flipped a breaker and a few switches and listened to the hum of the equipment.  Nodding with approval he wiped his hands on a rag before turning to Yuuri and his friend.  “I’m sorry I didn’t meet you properly yesterday.  These pumps are difficult from time to time.  I’m Katsuki Toshiya, Yuuri’s father.  Feel free to call me papa.”

 

“Thank you, sir,” Victor replied but with the raised eyebrow, he adjusted, “I mean, papa.”  He smiled at how he was so quickly accepted into this family.

 

They left Yuuri’s father to get ready for their evening.  As they left, Yuuri was dressed in dark blue jeans and a red shirt.   Victor wore black jeans with a silky gray button up.  He raised his eyebrows when he realized they were being picked up by a black Jaguar.  The driver held the door open for them and they both climbed into the back seat.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri smiled reassuringly as he guided Victor into the restaurant.  His grandfather would be towards the back, away from windows and crowds.  He gave his name to the hostess who guided him to the corner.  His grandfather’s face lit up when he saw his grandson approach.  Yuuri bowed in greeting.  “Grandfather, this is my friend Victor Nikiforov.  Victor, this is my grandfather Katsuki Takehiko.  Thank you for joining me for dinner, grandfather.”

 

The older man offered a warm smile towards Victor.  “Come.  Sit.  I haven’t seen my grandson in months.  Tell me what you are doing these days.”

 

Yuuri returned the older man’s smile.  “Thank you.  I’m…thinking about taking some time off.  So my focus at the moment is on Victor.”

 

“Oh?  You introduced him as a friend.  Are you perhaps more?” his grandfather asked as he raised an eyebrow, looking from one man to the other.

 

Both men had answering blushes but Yuuri chuckled.  “Grandfather, you are always looking to see me romantically involved.”

 

“Forgive me, Victor-san, I hope to see my grandson happily married before I die,” he complained.  The old man watched as Yuuri glanced at Victor and he could see hope blossoming in his grandson’s expression although he was certain the boy was unaware he gave so much away.  Youth.

 

Victor smiled warmly in reply.  “There is nothing to forgive, sir,” he murmured.

 

“Do we need to order?” Yuuri asked.

 

His grandfather chuckled.  “No, I placed an order for us when I arrived.  I selected around seven courses.”

 

“Grandfather!  You know I put on weight!” Yuuri responded, alarm rising in his voice.

 

“What should it matter if you aren’t skating?” his grandfather answered with a raised eyebrow.

 

Yuuri pursed his lips as he studied the table.  “I…need a change,” Yuuri stated.

 

“A change?”  Doubt edged the old man’s voice.  “And what do you plan to do?”

 

Yuuri looked towards Victor with a smile.  “I will help Victor reclaim the ice.  He was such a beautiful skater during his junior years.  I know he can reach that level once more.”

 

The old man arched an eyebrow.  “You are going to coach?  You have so many talents.  Why coaching?”

 

“Because I still love figure skating, grandfather.  I just don’t feel properly challenged.  The only one breaking my records is myself.  I’ll sit out the year and see what comes about.”

 

Takehiko looked from one to another and finally settled his gaze on Victor.  “What do you think about this?  What about your old coach?”

 

“Yakov is a good coach but sometimes we need to change our environment, sir,” Victor responded quietly.

 

The old man was shrewd.  He studied the stiffness in the silver haired skater for a moment before turning back to his grandson.  The first course was served and he waited until everyone had food in front of them before continuing.  Lowering his voice, he asked “I’ve heard you’ve made some demands on the staff that look out for you.  Has someone been making threats?”

 

Yuuri sighed.  He knew his grandfather would be informed.  “There is someone threatening my friend.  I wish to insure his safety.  I may need your help.”

 

“So this isn’t just your typical _run away crazy fan_ situation,” Takehiko surmised.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  Looking towards Victor almost seeking permission, he saw an almost imperceptible nod.  “Mikhail Volkov.  Until recently, Victor was in a relationship with him.  Volkov isn’t one to let go of his possessions easily.”  Meeting Victor’s eyes, he adds, “People aren’t meant to be owned in any sense of the word.”

 

The old man knew the name.  Both boys could see the recognition in his widening eyes when the name was mentioned.  Studying Victor thoughtfully, he asked, “How did you leave?”

 

“I snuck out in the middle of the night while he was drinking,” Victor stated.

 

Turning back to his grandson, he asked, “Did he leave a trail?”

 

“Small but that’s been dealt with,” Yuuri replied.

 

Nodding, the Takehiko pulled out his phone.  When the person answered, the old man issued several orders in Japanese.  Once satisfied, he disconnected and returned his attention to his guests as the next course was served.  “You are not the first person my grandson has chosen to take on.   My grandson has always brought pride to the family and I never mind indulging him in this.  That being said, your ex is not simple resolution.  I ask that you not take unnecessary risks because my grandson will put your life before his own.”

 

Victor studied the table in front of him.  “I don’t tend to be a risk taker, sir.  However, I’d like to continue skating if possible.”

 

The old man smiled indulgently.  “Of course you will continue skating.  If I can protect my grandson, I can protect you.  Knowing the enemy helps.  And there is the added advantage that the enemy might not necessarily know us.”  The old man’s eyes started to twinkle.  Turning to his grandson, he considered his next words.  “I have alliances in Russia that may be interested in assisting us.”

 

“You know I don’t want to get into the business, grandfather,” Yuuri reiterated.

 

“I know.  You have your…other interests.  However, those interests sometimes align.”

 

“I just want to make sure Victor is safe,” Yuuri pressed.

 

“He will be.  Don’t worry.  I will be increasing your security detail, however.  So if you are separated, there is someone on each of you.”

 

“And the family?”

 

“Protected even if they refuse to acknowledge it.  Your father is a stubborn man.”

 

Yuuri smiled indulgently.  “My father just prefers to make his own way in the world…much like myself.”

 

“You don’t deny your roots,” the old man argued.

“I could never deny my grandfather,” Yuuri grinned.  “And I appreciate that you let me choose my own path.”

 

“It wouldn’t do much good to do otherwise.  You are as stubborn as your father, even if you are more agreeable.  Well, Victor-san, what do you think of all of this?”

 

“I do not ask how, sir,” Victor replied meekly.  “Therefore, I shall be grateful that you choose to protect me from the decisions I made in my youth.”

 

The old man shrugged.  “We don’t always know the person we get in bed with until we are already caught in their trap.  At least you found your way out and had the courage to take it.”

 

Victor smiled and nodded glancing towards Yuuri who was focusing on his meal.  “Excuse me,” he murmured as he stood looking around for direction.

 

“Bathroom is to the right,” Yuuri supplied.  Victor smiled gratefully.

 

Yuuri’s grandfather watched Victor’s retreat before turning back to his son and continuing in Japanese.  “Is he why you left skating?”  Criticism crept into his voice.

 

“No,” Yuuri answered quietly.  “I was already home trying to decide what my next step would be when he showed up.  But would it matter?”

 

“It might.  Although I agree you should make your own decisions and I support you on these eccentric whims you seem to operate on, I would not be happy if they derailed you from something you loved.”

 

“I’ll still be skating, grandfather.”

 

“But you are interested in this young man,” the old man pressed.

 

Yuuri smiled into his soup.  “Very much so, grandfather.  He is important to me.”

 

His grandfather studied him with a worried expression.  “And if he doesn’t return your affection?”

 

“Isn’t that always a chance we take?  You are as much of a romantic as I am, grandfather,” Yuuri teased.

 

“And I’ve been married five times.  I…don’t want to see you hurt.”

 

“It’s my heart to give to whom I please.  Trust me.  I don’t give it lightly.  Neither of us walk the traditional path.  We must find our way.”

 

“I suppose.  It is easier with the others.  But you…feel things so deeply.”

 

“I know.  That’s why I’ve guarded my heart so long.  But for him, I’m willing to take a chance.  When he is ready.”

 

“And if he’s never ready?”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “Regardless, he’s a good man.  You know I have a good read on people.”

 

“That man he got himself mixed up in.  Did you know who was?”

 

“Not at first.  But I researched him over the last few months.  Once I learned the truth, I knew I’d need your help.”

 

“I worry.  You will have to shield him.”

 

“I know…I’m counting on my importance to you as my protection.”

 

“Of course you are and you have it.  Now, about covering his tracks.  Did you take appropriate precautions.”

 

Yuuri smirked.  “Are you asking about my computer skills?”

 

“Did you at least use your friend so that you could avoid detection?”

 

“I know how to avoid detection,” Yuuri stated confidently, refusing to divulge his friend’s involvement.  “Remember, we never ask how.”

 

“True.  You handle your business and I handle mine.  Your friend is returning.”

 

As Victor took his seat, Takehiko signaled for the next course.  “I’m afraid this is our last course and then I must return to business,” he stated regretfully.

 

“I understand, grandfather,” Yuuri responded.  They shared small talk for the rest of the meal before rising to say the goodbyes.

 

“It was good to meet you, Victor-san.  You are in good hands.  Trust my grandson.”

 

“Thank you, sir.  I will,” Victor answered as he bowed awkwardly, imitating Yuuri.

 

The old man smiled and held out his hand.  Victor took it and shook it firmly.  “I have plenty of dealings with Americans and Europeans to understand the value of a firm handshake.  You both have a good evening.”

 

Yuuri guided Victor out the front door.  A car awaited them and they climbed in.  The driver asked if they would be stopping elsewhere or returning home. Yuuri glanced Victor’s direction and could see that he was tired.  “We will return home.”

  


* * *

  
  


Back home, they took Makkachin for a short walk.  “I don’t know what I expected when I met your grandfather.”

 

“He can be a bit intimidating.  I didn’t want to make you nervous,” Yuuri laughed.

 

“Perhaps but he does seem to care about you a great deal.  I…Yuuri, what am I getting into with you?”

 

Yuuri smiled warmly.  “That’s a smart question to ask.  You will never be asked to go into the business.  Friends, lovers, spouses, and children always have a choice but they are never asked.  All of my uncles are in it but my father chose a separate path.  I choose my own path as well.”

 

Victor lowered his head thoughtfully.  “I get the impression your path isn’t…spotless.”

 

“Perhaps not,” Yuuri murmured.  “But I act to protect those I care about.”

 

“I don’t…want to end up in another situation like the one I left.”

 

“You won’t.  I know it’s cliché to ask you to trust me but that’s why I tell you not to ask how.  And once it is over, you will be free to make your own choices.”

 

“What if it’s never over?  Are you willing to protect me always?”

 

Yuuri closed his eyes.  Nodding, he answered, “As long as it takes…always, if necessary.  I promise you.”

 

“You barely know me,” Victor whispered.  “Why make such a commitment?”

 

“I have a good sense of people.  At worst, we will end as friends and allies and that’s acceptable.”

 

“What do you mean when you say allies?”

 

“We protect one another,” Yuuri whispered.

 

“I suppose…that’s not a bad deal.  Yuuri?”  Victor turned towards the open field where the moon pierced through the treetops.  “I…didn’t know what he was when I first started seeing him.”

 

“I know, Victor.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor startled awake.  Looking at his phone, he frowned.  Two in the morning.  He tried turning over and shoving the shreds of the nightmare aside but it seemed to cling to his skin.  Kicking back the blankets, he sat up and looked around the unfamiliar room.   _I am safe._  He wanted to believe that.  So many promises were made over the last two days.   

Standing, he flicked on a lamp.  He found his reflection staring back at him.  Shirtless, he examined the bruises on his body, the taped up ribs, the scars.   _I’m afraid._  He reached for a t-shirt and pulled it over his head with a wince.  Slipping from his room, he heard the click of nails signaling Makka falling into step with him.  He crept down the hall trying to be quiet but the old building seemed intent on shouting his presence with every creak.  He made his way downstairs into the darkened den.

 

He found his way to the meditation garden and wandered the maze as he tried to shake his thoughts.  He froze when he reached the center.  A figure was sitting at the fountain.  He didn’t look his way but tapped the bench beside him.  Victor came around and sat still, waiting.

 

“I’m not dead, you know,” the figure began with a shake of his silver head.  His face didn’t hold the lines of pain like Victor’s.  His eyes weren’t hollow with sorrow.

 

Victor silently watched the water while his fingers played with the ends of his braid.  He didn’t know what to say to this apparition.   _My former self is lost to me._

 

“You can still reach me.   I never disappeared.  Not truly.  I’ve just been hiding.  Waiting for you to wake up,” the spirit demanded.

 

“I want to wake up out of this nightmare,” Victor rasped, his voice rough from too many tears.  “I’m afraid Japan is just a dream within the nightmare.”

 

The figure shook its head, the silver waterfall of hair swaying as it caught the movement and moonlight.  “Until you accept this and move forward, I’ll remain separate from you.  You can’t reclaim me until you let go of the past three years.”

 

Victor remained motionless.  “Has it been three years?  He’s broken me, torn me down, shredded me, reduced me.  Is there anything left?”

 

“I’m still here,” promised the ghost with a wistful smile.  “When you are ready, you can find me.  Look for me on the ice.”

 

He glanced up as the figure faded from sight, leaving him alone.  Looking across the fountain to the open space beyond, he could see sand neatly raked smooth.  He saw footprints there earlier.  Perhaps it was time for him to make his own footprints.

 

Stepping around the fountain, he pulled the elastic from his hair and teased the braid loose.  His feet were bare and the feel of the sand sliding over his toes held a cool reassurance.  He lifted his arm just enough not to pull against the ribs and tested his range of movements.  Closing his eyes, he sought a[ song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HO4e4nCYBEo) within and began to move to the music.  The dance a mix of modern, jazz, and ballet echoed the sadness within his heart, the loneliness that seemed to embrace him.  But somewhere in the midst of the sorrow, hope started to flower.

 

From a window overlooking the garden, a dark haired figure watched the silvery figure capturing music with his movements.  His sorrow called out to the man above, not knowing that the brown eyed savior also echoed his loneliness.

 


	7. Chasing Cars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor visits the doctor to find out his recovery plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to BluSkates for the edits and suggestions! :)

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  Thank you, Aimez, for the song suggestions.

 

* * *

 

 

[Chasing Cars](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w)

 

 

Victor felt stiff and sore as he woke up that morning.  Perhaps dancing wasn’t the best of ideas.  He picked up the bottle of painkillers but knew he had to eat first or it would make him quite nauseous.  Gathering his clothes, he headed towards the shower.

 

Victor walked down the stairs to find Yuuri eating breakfast.  The brunette looked up with a warm smile.  “Good morning!  Eat breakfast and we’ll take a walk.  I have an appointment with you at Dr. Omiki’s office to follow up on your ribs so we can see what you’re strong enough to do.”

 

“Oh…okay.”  He took a stool next to the bar and placed his meds next to the cup.

 

“I want to get you back on the ice as soon as you are cleared.  You must miss it.”

 

“Mmmhmmm.  I was supposed to see my regular physician as soon as possible after the E.R. visit.  I don’t have very many pain meds left.”

 

“Dr. Omiki works with several area athletes and keeps my records on file and up to date.  He handles my JSF physical every year.  He’s aware of the stresses a figure skater will face and can better assess when you can return to the ice.”

 

“I was told by the E.R. doctor that it would be three weeks at the earliest.”

 

“Three weeks would be ideal.  We will see what the doctor says.”

 

* * *

 

Dr. Omiki looked over the film and studied the damage to the surrounding tissue.  “Katsuki-san, step out of the office please.”  After Yuuri left, the doctor focused on Victor.  “These are not figure skating injuries.”

 

“No, sir.”

 

“Are you still at risk?” he pressed, holding Victor’s eyes.

 

“I came here to escape him,” Victor murmured.  “Yuuri knows.  He offered me shelter and is helping me return to the ice.”

 

The doctor nodded in skeptical acceptance.  “You will be off the ice for at least four weeks.  This tissue is still inflamed in this area,” the doctor explained as he indicated the ugly red bruising.  “I would like to see you again in two weeks.  Until then, here are few prescriptions for something to ease the pain, an anti-inflammatory, and something for fever.  I’m writing the instructions in English but be sure you can distinguish between the meds before you take them.  Make sure you continue the breathing exercises.”

 

“Yuuri can help me with the medicines.  Thank you, doctor,” Victor agreed.

 

The doctor helped Victor off of the examination table before reiterating, “Two weeks.  No later.  If you need anything before then, call my office.”  

 

Yuuri stood as Victor entered the waiting room.  They fell into step as they left the clinic.  “Do you know where I can get these filled?” Victor asked, handing him the prescriptions.

 

Yuuri nodded.   “It’s on the way.  Come with me.”  Yuuri guided him down a side street.  “So what did he say?”

 

“At least four weeks and to come back in two.  He’s watching the inflammation.  Also, I should continue the breathing exercises.”  Yuuri looked up curiously and Victor explained.  “Every two hours I’m supposed to do some slow deep breathing and light coughing.  It’s supposed to prevent a collapsed lung or pneumonia.”

 

“I was unaware.  That’s why you disappear to your room several times a day.”

 

“That and I think I’ve been trying to find my place and settle in,” Victor murmured.  They walked a little further before Victor spoke again, “Yuuri?”

 

“Yes, Victor,” Yuuri responded softly.

 

He sighed, looking for his words and, perhaps, his courage.  “Can I…would you skate for me?  I miss the ice and can’t get on it.”

 

Yuuri looked over at him in surprise.  “I thought it would be difficult to watch someone else skate when you couldn’t.”

 

Victor shrugged.  “Have you ever dealt with an injury that took you off the ice?”

 

“Only mild strains that kept me off for a short time,” Yuuri admitted.  Yuuri considered his request.  “Have you worked out your programs for next season?”

 

Victor shook his head.  “I was cleared for the ice for about four weeks when he… when I was hurt once more.”

 

“Then let’s work on the choreography.  I’ll skate out the movements as we make decisions and discuss the programs.”  He screwed up his expression for a moment.  “I normally work out my initial choreography in the dance studio.”

 

Victor tapped his lip with his index finger thoughtfully.  “I always work directly on the ice.  However, I haven’t won any competitions in the seniors.  So perhaps I should try it your way.”

 

Yuuri grinned.  Then he spotted their destination and pointed.  “Here is the pharmacy.  This one handles prescriptions.  Come with me.”

 

Half an hour later, Victor had what he needed and they were headed back to the inn.  “Minako will be teaching classes in the afternoon.  We can probably use the studio this evening after dinner.  Do you feel up to it?” Yuuri asked.

 

“If I rest off and on during the day, I should be fine,” Victor answered.  Turning to look at Yuuri, he asked, “Are you…okay with this?  Truly?”

 

Yuuri nodded, a soft smile playing across his lips.  “Yes.  I’m fine with it.  I’m not avoiding the ice.”

 

“I…guess not,” he responded.  They walked a few steps further when Victor asked, “I’ve been wondering something.  Why did you skate my program?”

 

Yuuri shifted uncomfortably.  “I…don’t know.  I wanted to see you at Worlds but you couldn’t compete.”

 

“So you recreated my program?”  Victor watched Yuuri with raised eyebrows.

 

Yuuri nodded in admission.  “Yes…because I promised to let you contact me first.  I…didn’t want to make things worse for you.”

 

“You were trying…to reach out to me?” Victor stuttered.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I didn’t know what to do…so I let the ice speak for me.”

 

“Why?”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “Honestly, I was worried about you.  Especially when you didn’t show up at the Worlds.”

 

“Masha...he made sure I couldn’t go.  It’s very frustrating.  I qualified!  It...didn’t take much to set him off that night, however.  And then...it was over.  I didn’t know anyone would miss me, though.”  The rise and fall of Victor’s voice as he expressed his frustration and sense of defeat vibrated around them.

 

“I missed you.  I watched for you...and looked for you. I thought about you when I skated.”  The confessions came out in whispered admissions, as Yuuri studied the road before him uncertainly.

 

“I was surprised...to learn you asked about me.  Most people don’t see me,” he murmured.

 

“I see you,” Yuuri countered as he reached a hand to slide into Victor’s.  “And I know you are capable of far more than you put on the ice.  I’m…glad you came.”

 

“And if I hadn’t shown up?” Victor countered.

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “I’d probably be bored out of my mind.”

 

Victor laughed and then quickly covered it up.  “I’m sorry.  That struck me as funny.”

 

“That’s fine.  I like to hear you laugh.”  Yuuri slid his hand up Victor’s arm and looped it around Victor’s elbow.  “Let’s see what my mother has made for lunch.  Then we can soak in the onsen.”  Victor stuttered his steps and Yuuri was jerked back in his own.  Looking up, Yuuri asked, “What’s wrong?”

 

“I-I don’t want people to see...what he’s done to me,” Victor confessed in a subdued voice.

 

Yuuri tightened his expression regretfully, afraid of pushing Victor away.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t think.”  He thought for a moment before suggesting, “The hot springs closes to the public around nine.  Perhaps…after they clear out sometime.”

 

“I could do that,” he whispered.  “You’ve seen them…well, part of them.  I’m not so afraid of you seeing them.”

 

* * *

 

Victor spent the afternoon resting, walking through the meditation garden lost in thought, and focusing on his breathing exercises.  Dinner greeted him with double helping of yakisoba with pork.

 

“You need to eat,” Hiroko insisted.

 

Yuuri’s eyes crinkled with amusement over his smaller serving.  “We seem to be having opposite struggles when it comes to our meals.”

 

“I burn calories quickly,” Victor murmured then stuttered a moment.  “Well…I did.  I am not sure now that I’m forced into inactivity.”

 

“You can walk so we’ll keep you moving.  We just don’t want to overdo it.  Running is out of the question until the doctor approves. And you know you are off the ice until you get the okay.”

 

“Dancing?”

 

“Maybe…not yet?  Don’t worry.  We’ll get your flexibility back.  We do not want to set back your recovery,” Yuuri pointed out.  Victor huffed in frustration.  Chuckling, Yuuri added, “Just remember.  When you first arrived you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to skate again.”

 

“Perhaps…I was being a little dramatic,” Victor confessed.  “But…it gave me the courage to leave.”

 

Yuuri caught his hand and squeezed it.  “And now you’re here.  Let’s take advantage of this time.”

 

* * *

 

Yuuri pulled out a set of keys when they arrived at the warehouse and unlocked it to reveal a dance studio.  “My ballet teacher lives upstairs.  This is her studio.”

 

“And it’s private!” Victor stated with a smile.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “I rarely share studio space or time on the ice when I'm here.  They are smaller but more private.  Now, I want you to hear what I’m thinking.”  He connected his phone to the speakers.  “This is called _On Love: Eros_.”  The music danced around them in a seductive tango, teasing them with its notes.

 

Victor tapped his foot with impatience.  “This is torture!  I want to dance to this.”

 

“But do you want to skate to this?” Yuuri inquired.  Victor hesitated answering.  “Consider this.”  Yuuri took a position on the dance floor and signaled Victor to restart the music.  Yuuri’s movements were seductive, capricious, beguiling.  The tilt of the hip, the attitude in the hands, the turn of the head were captivating.  Victor’s mouth dropped open.    

 

As Yuuri drew up before him, he asked, “What do you think?”

 

“I…don’t know if I can pull that off,” Victor rasped.  “It’s very…heated.”

 

“Eros is the personification of sexual love.  This will be your short program, Victor.  You need to decide on your free skate.”

 

“I…am not sure what I’d pick.”

 

“We’ll work out the choreography for Eros while you decide.  You can watch me and between us, we’ll make adjustments until we are both satisfied.”

 

Victor raised his eyebrows.  “I’ve never built a program like that.”

 

“I know…but I have, often, so you’ll have the benefit of my experience.  Do you trust me?”  Victor spotted that twinkle in Yuuri’s eyes…that bit of magic that seemed to banish his doubts, like he’d just be sprinkled in pixie dust.

 

All Victor could do was nod because if the truth be told, he had absolute trust in Yuuri.  He wouldn’t be here if he didn’t trust this beautiful man.  Victor could admit that didn’t he quite know why he trusted him…maybe one day with enough time and healing, he’d understand.  “Yes, I trust you,” he murmured. He was rewarded with Yuuri’s smile and the Russian felt it encompass him, his heart to tightened.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, Kudos, and shares are welcomed and encouraged.


	8. Little Do You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exploring Eros and Mari is back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much appreciation to BluSkates for reading through this and making some great suggestions.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

 

* * *

 

[ Little Do You Know ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-lp2bejhm4)

 

Yuuri leaned against the dancefloor wall drinking the bottle of water.  After three days of running through, arguing over, and refining the _Eros_ program Yuuri felt they had something to take to the ice.  He tilted the bottle back feeling Victor’s eyes on him.  He lowered the bottle slowly, playing into the action drawing Victor’s eyes to the cut of his clavicle.  Yuuri had to laugh internally.  He had been told that when he set a goal he could be merciless and now his sights were fixed on the man in front of him.  Little did they know that he was completely at this silver haired beauty’s mercy.

 

“So tomorrow shall we take it to the ice?” Yuuri suggested.

 

Victor stuttered as he watched Yuuri elongate his neck, drinking the water from the bottle. “Y-yes…that should w-work.”  He unconsciously licked his lips but Yuuri caught his response.   _Mercy_ .  He needed to tone it down.  Victor wasn’t ready for this.  But it was good to see that he was interested.  Victor shifted and Yuuri couldn’t resist the touch of smugness in his smile.   _Definitely interested._

 

 _Eros_ was truly a devastating program at this point, enthralling, full of lust.

 

“Why do you think I can do this program?” Victor asked, leaning back to find Yuuri’s eyes.  It wasn’t the first time Victor doubted his ability to pull off this program.  Yuuri had reassured him several times over the past few days as they continued to develop this piece.  Yuuri was very aware of how devastatingly beautiful Victor could perform.  He simply had to find a way to remind him of his sensuality.

 

Yuuri knelt down on the floor next to sit next to Victor.  “Because…I’ve seen you move like this, felt you move like this in my arms,” he confessed.  Victor’s eyes widened.  “Within this skate, you will see echoes of the tango, of salsa.  I’ve danced both of those with you.  I know you can pull them off.”

 

“Maybe with a bit of alcohol,” Victor murmured.

 

“Alcohol can’t make us do something we wouldn’t otherwise be capable.  You have the movements within you.”

 

“I…suppose.  I don’t…inspire…I’m not…seductive.”

 

Yuuri turned onto his knees and reached out to trace the line of Victor’s chin.  “Why do you say that?”

 

Victor dropped his eyes, his lips parting uncertainly.  Yuuri could see the struggle playing out across his features, and then the decision when Victor lifted his eyes.  He shrugged, tightening his lips.  “I’ve been through too much.  That part of me is dead.  All I know is pain.”

 

Yuuri shook his head even as he pulled his fingers back from touching Victor.  “It’s not dead.  Perhaps asleep, but not dead.  Remember.  You…seduced me,” he murmured.

 

Victor’s eyes widened and he shook his head in protest.

 

“At the banquet, I would have done almost anything for you.  All you had to do was ask.  That’s what seduction reduces a person to…and you most assuredly accomplished this.”  Yuuri sat back on his heels, dropping his hand into his lap.

 

Victor’s lips parted as he lowered his eyes uncertainly.  “I wasn’t…trying to?  I just wanted…to not think about him.  I wanted to escape.  Even if it was a few hours.”

 

“I know.  But it was hard to let you go,” he confessed.

 

Victor shifted uncomfortably pulling his knees up to his chest.  “I suppose you knew what awaited me.”

 

Yuuri offered him a half smile.  “That was…part of it perhaps.”

 

Victor shook his head in frustration.  “Yuuri.  This is hopeless.  I’m broken.  Beyond repair.  It’s not just my body.  He torments my thoughts still.”

 

“It is not hopeless,” Yuuri reassured him gently.  He lifted that hand up once more, stroking Victor’s cheek with the back of his fingers.  Victor unconsciously turned into the touch.  “You are not beyond repair…but I understand that it will take time.  The deeper the wounds, the longer it takes to heal.”

 

Victor sniffed shoving his fingers up to his eyes, wiping his tears away harshly.  He wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at the gap between them as he worked to get himself under control.  Yuuri shifted back against the wall beside him, his hand reaching out to massage slow circles in the younger man’s back.  “I don’t know what I want, Yuuri,” Victor finally murmured.  “I just know…I feel safe with you.  Maybe one day the monsters will leave me.”

 

“One step at a time, Victor,” Yuuri soothed.  “I’ll share my strength with you until you can stand on your own.”

 

Victor nodded, sniffing once more to clear his head.  “I think…that’s what I want.  To stand on my own.  Until I can do that, everything is on hold.”

 

Yuuri smiled.  Admitting that was a good step.  “I’m here.  Whatever you need.”

 

“I don’t want to break you along the way,” Victor whispered, resting his cheek on his knees as he turned to face the other man.

 

“I won’t break,” Yuuri reassured him then winked.  “You’ve seen me dance.  I have the flexibility of a teenager.”

 

Victor laughed and that feeling seemed to warm both of them even as Yuuri continued to run his hand up and down Victor’s back.  “I don’t think I’ve really laughed in a long time,” he confessed, a smile resting on his lips.  “At times, the only smile I found was a forced one.  So…maybe there is hope.”

 

Yuuri stood up and reached down to him.  “Let’s walk home and you can rest.  Then we can take another walk after dinner.”  Yuuri reached out a hand and Victor pulled himself up with a wince.  “Any muscle spasms?”

 

Victor shrugged as Yuuri held his eyes.  Shaking his head, Yuuri knew Victor was hiding his pain.  They left the studio, locking the door behind them.  

 

“Maybe tonight…I’ll try the onsen, Yuuri.”  Victor studied his feet.  “After everyone else is gone.”

 

Yuuri smiled as he caught the other man’s hand in his.  “I think that’s an excellent idea.  It will help speed up the healing.”    

 

* * *

 

Yuuri and Victor arrived home and found a woman with her hair pulled back and a cigarette in her mouth.  “Mari-neesan!” Yuuri greeted.  “Victor, this is my sister Mari.”

 

“Hello,” Victor greeted, his smile reserved.

 

“Oh, hi,” she responded flatly.  “Thanks, Yuuri, for covering for me while I was gone.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “I didn’t mind,” he assured her.

 

Yuuri grabbed Victor’s hand once more and pulled him inside oblivious to the raised eyebrow of his sister.  They poked their heads into the kitchen and Hiroko looked up with a warm and welcoming smile.  “You are home.  Let me fix you something to eat.”  Soon they had bowls of miso before them, warmth already spreading through their limbs.  “I think it might rain this afternoon,” his mother observed.

 

“I noticed the temperature drop on the walk home,” Yuuri observed.  “Miso is a good idea.”

 

“You always liked it after a day on the ice to warm you up inside.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Well, we are going to move the choreography to the ice tomorrow and work on reinterpreting it.  We’ll spend the morning at the rink.”

 

“Good.  I’ll plan something warm and filling for when you return.  Vicchan, eat!” she chided as she turned towards the Russian.  “There is more if you are still hungry afterwards.”

 

“Thank you,” Victor murmured, offering a cautious smile.

 

They were sitting on the sofa talking with Mari when the warmth of the soup and the meds kicked in.  Victor lost track of conversation and slowly drifted off to sleep, unaware that he settled his head in Yuuri’s lap.  Yuuri glanced down with a smile before resting a hand in his hair.  His sister watched him with a raised eyebrow.

 

“So it’s like that?” she asked quietly.

 

Yuuri shrugged, a smile playing at his lips.  “I wouldn’t mind it,” he confessed.  “I don’t think he’s ready, though.”

 

“So he’s been through a lot,” Mari concluded.

 

“Yes.  I want to give him time to heal…but I think there’s something there.”  Yuuri allowed his hand to card through Victor’s hair as he continued to converse with his sister.

 

“He may not be ready but he’s lying with his head in your lap,” she pointed out.  “And he didn’t pull away when you grabbed his hand.”

 

“I know,” Yuuri whispered, his eyes caressing over the man resting in his lap.

 

His sister shook her head a short laugh.  “You’ve got it bad.”

 

Yuuri and Victor remained cuddled together as the rain fell outside.  Mari took a blanket and spread it over the Russian when she saw him shiver from the chill, receiving a whispered “thank you” from Yuuri as she picked her book back up.  Yuuri scrolled through his phone before focusing on a book Phichit recommended.   It took a couple of hours for Victor’s eyes fluttered open.  His cheeks pinked up when he realized that he had fallen asleep in Yuuri’s lap.

 

“I-I’m sorry,” he stammered as he pushed himself up, wincing at the sudden action.

 

“Slow down, Victor,” Yuuri responded, placing a bracing hand on him.  “It’s not a problem.”

 

Victor lowered his chin in embarrassment.  “You were unable to get up.”

 

“I’m sure I could have figured something out if the need arose.  I was reading on my phone.  It’s not a problem.”

 

Victor nodded hesitantly.  “Okay.”

 

“You should probably do your breathing exercises and walk around a bit,” Yuuri urged.  “This dampness can’t be good for you.”

 

The rain had cleared but the sky remained overcast.  They decided to go to the beach and find a quiet place to sit while Makka ran and chased the waves.  Yuuri held onto Makka so that the poodle wasn’t pulling on Victor.  Settling onto a bench nearby, they watched the poodle bounding about the sandy beach.  Yuuri caught a smile pulling at Victor’s face as he watched the antics of his dog.

 

“I appreciate this,” Victor murmured as they walked back.  “It’s hard to hold onto him when he gets excited.”

 

“I don’t mind.  I miss my dog.  He was hit by a car several years back while I was away at college.  I wasn’t able to come home until the summer afterwards.”

 

“What kind of a dog did you have?” Victor asked, his expression curious.

 

“He was a sesame Hokkaido,” Yuuri answered, smiling at the memory.  “His name was Takeo which meant ‘warrior’s hero’.  I struggled making friends as a child and he was my constant companion.”

 

“You had problems making friends?” Victor paused in their walk.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “And I still would except that I take medication for my anxiety.”

 

“I-I didn’t know.  I didn’t mean to pry.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “I was falsely accused of doping a few years back because someone spotted me taking anxiety meds.  There was a huge investigation and the press tried to turn it into a scandal.  However, once I got past it, I realized I wasn’t doing myself any favors by keeping it secret.  So although I don’t exactly shout it out, I don’t guard it like a secret either.”

 

“That must have been difficult,” Victor murmured.  He remembered hearing something about this and dismissed it as one of the meaningless rumors that the press spreads about a sport they don’t understand and can’t appreciate.

 

“It was easier because I had my coach, Celestino, and my rink mate, Phichit, standing behind me.  Their support got me through.”

 

Victor nodded as he considered his own support.  “Yakov tried to get me to leave Masha several times but I was afraid.  Then Mila started asking questions as well.  She meant well, but she’s too young to deal with this.  I guess…there were people willing to help.  I just needed to get as far away as possible.  I don’t know if they realized what Masha could do to me…and maybe to them.”

 

“Once I know you are safe you can contact them, Victor,” Yuuri promised.

 

Victor stared into the distance as the overlook rose up high enough to show off the whole of Hasetsu.  “I can wait.  I just hate that they are worried.  Maybe I can contact them soon?”

 

Yuuri nodded, squeezing Victor’s hand reassuringly.  “Once my grandfather contacts me to tell me you are secure, we can start opening up.  I don’t like keeping you locked down like this.”

 

“At least…I’m safe.  And I don’t have any blood relatives that would be looking for me.  Just Yakov.  And maybe a few of my rink mates.”

 

* * *

 

Darkness settled around Hasetsu and the last of the customers cleared out.  Yuuri helped his sister shut down the baths, leaving one open for Victor and himself.  “Thanks for helping me clean up, Yuuri,” his sister murmured.  “This boy…you need to watch your heart, Yuuri.”

 

“I know you think that, Mari-neesan.  But…I can’t explain it.  It’s something I have to do.”

 

His sister studied him, thinning her lips.  “I guess no one has ever been able to tell you what to do even when you were younger.”

 

“I’m just as stubborn as my big sister,” he teased.

 

She laughed dryly.  “Fine.  I’ll butt out.  I’ve survived my share of heartbreaks.”

 

“I thought you did the heartbreaking,” Yuuri pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

 

Mari nodded in agreement.  “And I survived them…including the one that tried to run over me.”

 

“That wasn’t a smart move,” Yuuri pointed out.  “He seemed to straighten up after grandfather had a talk with him.”

 

Mari smirked.  “Grandfather can be... persuasive.  Well, you two have fun.  Shut it down when you are finished.”  She turned and walked away.

 

Yuuri headed up the stairs and tapped on Victor’s door.  He heard Victor invite him in and found the man moving slowly.  “Did you overdo it today?”

 

“No.  I don’t think so.  It might be this damp weather.  I’m cold, too.”

 

“Let’s get you in the hot spring and warm you up.”  Yuuri helped him to stand and led him down the stairs.  “We wash up really well before entering the hot springs.  There are yukatas available if you wish to cover up with more than a towel as you come out to the spring.”  Yuuri demonstrated the process and then threw a towel casually over his shoulder.  “I’ll be in the onsen closest to the corner.  Join me when you are ready.”

 

Yuuri found his favorite spring and settled down, enjoying the privacy it afforded.  He waited.

 

* * *

 

Victor watched Yuuri leave, his eyes falling to the other man’s ass more than once even though he kept consciously averting them.   _This man is going to be the death of me._  As he picked up the sprayer, though, he adjusted that thought _.  No.  He is my savior.  He didn’t even hesitate to take me in.  I don’t understand it.  But…I also am drawn to him.  More so than with anyone._  Victor washed off the last of the day’s sweat and pulled a yukata off the shelf.   _And he is…considerate…and warm.  I was drawn to his kindness when we met.  He didn’t judge me…but offered me an escape.  How could I ever repay him?_

 

Victor stepped into the room with the indoor baths and looked around the dimly lit space for the exit.  Finally oriented, he walked across the room and exited into the cool night air.  He shivered but wandered down the path towards the promise of warmth.  Yuuri was settled into the onsen, his eyes closed as he relaxed.  Taking a deep breath, Victor took the robe off and laid it over by the towels Yuuri brought with him.  

 

Stepping gingerly into the spring, he felt the warmth slide up his skin as he worked his way across to the deeper edge that held Yuuri.  Yuuri’s eyes blinked open on Victor’s approach and Victor flinched, feeling exposed and open.  Victor reached across his body, grabbing his elbow, uncertainty radiating off of his body.  

 

Yuuri was aware of the damage peripherally but lifted his eyes to hold Victor’s with an open expression.  Some scars he had noticed before when Victor had removed his shirt in front of him although now fresh, newly healed pink skin puckered to reveal fresh damage.  He forced himself not to react as his eyes glanced across cuts.  So many small cuts made him wondered about the story behind them while simultaneously fighting the turn of his stomach at the possibility.  Small round burns brought to mind cigarettes.  Most of the bruises had faded at this point and even the ribs didn’t show evidence of the damage.  However, that just led Yuuri’s mind to realize that so much damage was hidden.  How many bruises? Sprains? Breaks? Yuuri took a deep breath to clear those thoughts.

 

Yuuri stood to take his hand, guiding Victor to settle next to him.  “See what I mean?  The warmth is already chasing away your chills.”  Yuuri avoided the topic of Victor’s scars.  It would be his choice whether they talked about them.

 

Victor smiled gratefully even as he accepted the arm of the other man offering him shelter, settling into its protective embrace.  Yuuri sighed as he leaned back once more.  Victor remained stiff only for a moment before relaxing into Yuuri’s side.  He allowed himself the dream of belonging to this man as he closed his own eyes.  This man would never hurt him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...I had a bit of panic earlier because my playlist up and disappeared. I mean, I have a list of the songs but it takes awhile to gather them back up. Thankfully, a change of location and reboot later and it is back up. I guess youtube was feeling quirky today.
> 
> Hope you love this chapter as much as I do. Comments, kudos, and shares are welcome and encouraged.


	9. Monsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A relationship shift...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks you, BluSkates, for getting to this. It's such a busy time of year!
> 
> An extra long chapter...hope you love it!

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

* * *

 

 

 

 

[ Monsters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UIgJDp84OY)

_Part of Victor was aware that this was surreal, somewhere lost in a dream.  Yet, he couldn’t help but feel the sense of happiness from Yuuri’s regard as they entered the arena.  Everything was going well.  He warmed up and prepared to skate.  Then, as he approached the barrier, he was intercepted by Masha.  He drew in a deep breath.  Yuuri stepped in between the two as Masha drew a weapon.  The loud crack caused Victor to shake.  He seemed trapped in this nightmare, unable to wake up as he watched Yuuri sink to the floor.  Masha laughed.  “You are at my mercy,_ _Vityenka_ _.  There will be no more ice for you.”_

Victor’s eyes blinked open.  Cold chills vibrated over his skin.  Shoving back the blankets like shoving back the vestiges of the dream, Victor found his feet.  He looked around, assuring himself that he was still in Hasetsu, still in the safety of Yuuri’s home.  A quick glance at his phone told him it was just past one in the morning.  He pushed himself out of bed and opened his door.  The hallway was still, sleep held a heavy holdon the household.  Yuuri’s door was slightly ajar.  Victor padded down towards the opening and peeked inside.  He could see the brunette curled up asleep.   _It was just a dream._

He crossed the hall to the bathroom.  Relieving himself, he moved to the counter to wash.  He found himself splashing water on his face to try to shake off the lingering fear.  Drying his face, he returned to the hallway.  Yuuri’s door attracted his notice once more.

He pushed open the door to get a better view of the sleeping man.  Makkachin was curled up in the opposite corner of Yuuri’s bed unconcerned.   He could use Makka’s company tonight.  That excuse in mind, he entered Yuuri’s room, his feet silent on the floor as he crossed to the bed.  

Except, he found himself standing next to Yuuri.  The residual tendrils of the dream snaked their way into Victor’s thoughts.  He reached down, needing to feel the warmth of Yuuri’s skin, needing proof that the man was alive, even as he could hear him breathing.

Yuuri stirred under Victor’s touch, the back of those fingers brushed over his cheeks.  Eyes fluttering open, the brunette blinked in surprise, forcing his sleep-ridden eyes to focus on the figure in front of him.  “Is everything alright, Victor?”

Victor felt the heat of his blush and stepped back.  “I-I had a bad dream.  I n-needed to know you were alright.”

Yuuri pulled the covers back.  “Come here,” he whispered but Victor felt compelled, like a command to go to Yuuri.  He sat down on the bed and then he felt Yuuri’s arms reach around him and pull him to the space in front of him.  He turned curling up in that space, in Yuuri’s protective embrace.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Victor murmured, feeling the fear come off of him in waves, his body still trembling.  “It’s just…I dreamed he was there…and then you stepped between us.  He shot you.  I woke up terrified.”

“It’s just a dream,” Yuuri soothed, his hand running up and down Victor’s back to comfort the man in his arms.  “I’ve got you.  We are safe.”

“I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to…someone I cared about,” Victor continued to fret, knotting his hands in Yuuri’s sleep shirt.  Yuuri smoothed Victor’s hair, brushing a kiss through the part.  He heard the sniff and knew Victor was once more fighting tears.

It took half an hour to sooth Victor to the point he could sleep.  Cuddled up in Yuuri’s protective embrace, he finally relaxed with his head on Yuuri’s shoulder, forehead buried into Yuuri’s neck.  Yuuri held onto this man wanting to keep him safe, wanting to chase away those nightmares, wanting to shield him.

The night still hung heavily on Victor’s shoulder when he woke the second time.  He felt the warmth of another man’s embrace but the scent was not Masha.   He rose, disoriented at first.  Then he remembered. _I am safe.  This is Yuuri._  He shifted uncertainly before abandoning the other man’s embrace.  He sought refuge in his room.  As his body shook beneath the covers, he was tormented by his thoughts.   _Why am I crying?  It isn’t Masha, I don’t want him._  Victor wrapped his arms around his chest, the emptiness tearing at him, words clawing to the surface.  Victor refused to give them voice.  He wasn’t ready.  He was still hurting.   _Will I ever be ready?_

* * *

  


Yuuri stretched in his bed, a frown momentarily finding his lips.  The space Victor occupied was now cold.   _How long did he stay?_  He swallowed down the knot in his throat.  He closed his eyes and tried to push away the sense of rejection.  No, Victor cared about him.  He just isn’t ready to open up.  Still, Yuuri was despondent when he dragged himself into the bathroom to shower.

Years of habit allowed him to push through the necessary preparations of getting ready even as his mind twisted and spiraled.  He laid out the razor, lotion, and towel for after his shower.  

Reaching back in the linen closet he pulled out a towel and cloth.  The shower greeted him with its welcoming warmth.  Lost in the moisture, he allowed the sorrow envelope him. _I’m not good enough for him.  I’m just a friend.  I-I want more...but, he’s been through so much.  What if I make it worse?  It’s not like I’ve had any relationship experience._  He shoved the tears that burned his eyes aside.   _Why am I crying?  What have I been through in comparison? Can I be just his friend?  Is that all he wants from me?  God, but I want...to love him.  How...do I love him best?_  His breath hitched as the knot in his throat tightened and he forced himself to breathe through several steadying breaths.  

The luxury of wallowing was pushed aside when he stepped out into the bathroom, blinking away his tears, drying off and slipping on a yukata.  

He opened the door to release the steam.  Victor was leaning at the opposite wall.  Yuuri started.   _Did he hear me?  No, the shower would have drowned out any discernable noise._  He forced a smile.  “Good morning.”

“Hello.”  Victor’s voice was hollow; his face, spotted with red blotches; puffiness, around his eyes.

Yuuri thinned his lips.  Victor’s bad night obviously didn’t end when he left his room.  He forced cheeriness into his voice, not wanting to point out the signs of tears.   “Do you need anything in here?  I’m used to sharing bathroom space with Phichit.”

“I don’t want to intrude,” Victor protested.

A sharp laugh slipped out.  “Phichit has no boundaries!  Come in and do what you need.”

Victor was hesitant but then seemed to decide there was no point in modesty between them.  Entering the room, he slipped back to the small enclosed area for the toilet.  Yuuri forced himself not to consider the intimacy of this shared space as he brushed his teeth.  He was preparing to shave when Victor reentered the main space.  Stepping aside, he gave Victor access to the sink.

Victor peered into the mirror, shoving his hand through his hair, the length falling in tangles around his shoulder.  “I think I need a shower as well.  When did you want to leave?”

“We have the ice all morning,” Yuuri answered with a shrug.  “Do what you need to do.”

Victor made a face in the mirror.  “It takes about an hour for my hair to dry completely.”

“We have time,” Yuuri answered with a smile to hide his nerves, Victor’s closeness this morning unsettling him in his current mental state.

Victor set the taps to the shower.  Yuuri was very aware of him undressing behind him as he tried to focus on shaving.  “Fuck!” slipped out under his breath as he cut himself shaving.  Victor looked up in surprise but saw the blood rising to the surface.

“Are you okay?”

“Just all thumbs this morning, it seems.”

“I see,” Victor murmured just before he disappeared into the shower.

Yuuri took advantage of Victor being out of sight to finish his shave.  Cleaning up his mess he called out to Victor, “I’ll see you downstairs.”  Leaving the bathroom, he closed the door and breathed sigh of relief.

* * *

Victor stood in the shower, aware of Yuuri at the sink.  Aware of Yuuri, period.  What shifted?  

He remembered the previous day the way he broke down in front of Yuuri, the way Yuuri supported him, how he was drawn into Yuuri’s embrace in the hot springs.  Then he thought about going to Yuuri in the middle of the night.  Yuuri didn’t flinch away from him, welcomed him next to him, held and comforted him without seeking more than Victor was able to give.   _I’m falling for him._

The realization struck him hard.  Through all of the pain, he felt something growing in his heart, something more than lust and desire he attributed to the _Eros_ program.  He ran from Yuuri when he woke up, or actually from the unsettled state of his heart.  Now with a few more hours sleep between them, entering the enclosed space, he realized he was in love with this man.

Then a smile played at his lips as he reflected on Yuuri’s struggle with the razor, the obvious effect Victor’s presence was having on the other man.  He heard Yuuri’s exit from the bathroom.  Victor finished his shower and stepped out.  He spent the next half hour grooming, drying his hair, and thinking about the man who just left this sink.  Finally, he settled his thoughts.   _I’m not ready but I know what I’m feeling._

Victor left the bathroom to get dressed.  Yuuri’s door was open and Yuuri sat in the middle of the made bed, legs crisscrossed while he scrolled in his phone.  The brunette looked up, a blush rising in his cheeks.  “Breakfast will be ready soon.  Make sure you grab your skates.”

“I’m not cleared!” Victor started.

Yuuri shrugged.  “I’m sure you can do some easy circles around the rink.  Maybe even some elementary figures.”

Victor’s face lit up at the prospect.  “Thank you.”

He heard a soft chuckle behind him as he disappeared into his room.

* * *

 

 

Yuuri and Victor climbed the stairs to Ice Castle while Yuuri told Victor about growing up skating at this rink and how it was now run by his old rink mates.  As they approached the door, Yuuri produced a key.  Victor raised an eyebrow.  “Do you have a key to everything here?”

Yuuri laughed in response.  “To the ballet studio and the rink only.”

“So the important places.  Good to know.”

“I have similar access in Detroit,” Yuuri added with an amused raise of the eyebrow.  “I take it you didn’t have similar privileges.”

Victor shook his head, his expression darkening.  Lowering his voice, he stated, “I had to break in to get my gear before coming here.  I slid a note under Yakov’s door and left my phone in my locker.”  He paused and studied Yuuri for a moment before adding, “Yakov would have given you a key.  There were a few older skaters he trusted with access.”

“You miss your family?”

“My skate family…yes.  I didn’t realize that I would.  I just…knew I couldn’t stay.”

“Sometimes we form relationships without realizing it,” Yuuri murmured, sliding an arm around the other man’s waist.  “It will probably be another week at least before you can safely call.”

“I…I can wait.  I don’t want to put anyone else at risk.”

“Whatever is happening on their end, it hasn’t hit the headlines.  That makes me think that your coach is covering for you.”

“He…knew what was going on.  He’s been trying to get me to leave Mikhail for some time.”

“You are out.  You are safe.  Are you ready to skate?”

Victor drew a steadying breath and nodded.  Yuuri guided him inside.  It took a moment for them to spot the couple inside.

“Yuuuuri!” a woman exclaimed.  “It’s about time you came by.  I thought you were mad at me.”

Yuuri laughed in response.  “Not at all.  Yuuko, this is my friend Victor.  He is staying with me.”

“Hello, Victor.  I’ve seen you skate.  Are you on a social media break?”

Victor raised his eyebrows in surprise at being recognized.  Yuuri took charge of the situation.  

“Yes and he would like to remain unnoticed.  Can we keep the girls phones under wraps?”

“Oh!  I’ll make sure they don’t leak anything out.  Let me tell my husband.”  She disappeared around a corner into a back room.

Turning to Victor, he explained, “If anyone would recognize you, it would be Yuuko and her girls.  They are what we call figure skating otaku.”

“You’ve known Yuuko for a while.”

“Since I was very small.  We skated up into our juniors together.  However, she didn’t transition to seniors.  She married instead and then the triplets were born not too long after.”

“Triplets?”

“Yes,” Yuuri grinned.  “My god-daughters.”  As if on cue, three girls ran out of the area screaming “Uncle Yuuri!”  Yuuri laughed as they surrounded him.  “Victor, this is Axel, Lutz, and Loop.”

Victor’s eyes brightened up.  “You weren’t kidding about Yuuko being a fan.”

“She’s been involved in figure skating as long as I have…she just took a different path.  She helps run the rink with her husband’s family and gives beginning lessons to the younger skaters.  Her mother works with novice level skaters.  She was my first coach.”

The girls bounced around demanding Yuuri’s attention and he played with them until their exuberance took them elsewhere.  Victor watched with a smile on his lips.  Yuuri at home was so unguarded and this was yet another moment shared with him.

A man came out with Yuuko moments later.  “Yuuri!  Yuuko has been fussing for days about you not coming to the rink!”

Yuuri chuckled.  “So I’ve been hearing.  How are you?”

“I’m fine.  Your friend?”

“Victor, this is Takeshi.  Don’t let him fool you.  He knows as much about skating as Yuuko, although he did switch to hockey half way through high school.  Yuuko and I have since forgiven him of such a transgression.”

Victor held out his hand and Takeshi took it with a firm handshake.  “Yuuko said we were to keep your presence here quiet?”

“Ummm…yes, please,” Victor murmured.

The older man nodded.  “I’ll have to keep reins on my girls.  Excuse me while I figure out where they disappeared,” he waved as he headed in the direction of the girls.

Victor followed Yuuri into the rink where they found a bench to put on their skates.  As he knotted his skates, Victor began to talk, wanting to have someone share his world.  “Yakov found me when I was young skating an outdoor rink in Moscow and put me with a coach that worked with beginners and novices.  My mother supported me in my dreams but she was very ill.  When I was fourteen, she made Yakov my guardian.  I didn’t realize she didn’t have long left to live.”  Victor paused, swallowing down the knot rising in his throat.  “I…I was in a competition when she passed away.  They told me she watched me on the television in the hospital and she seemed at peace when she passed away.  I didn’t do well the rest of the season and that summer, Yakov took me to a shelter where I adopted Makkachin.  I lived with Yakov until I moved into the dorms at seventeen.”  Yuuri watched him intently, his expression sober as he told his story.  “I don’t know if she would like what I became, Yuuri.  She was always so much stronger than me.  She…left my father when he hit her the first time.  When she learned later that she was pregnant with me, she never contacted him.  He isn’t even on my birth records.”

Yuuri reached out to take his hand, giving it a squeeze.  “I don’t think you are weak.”  Victor gave the tiniest of smiles.  “Do you want to skate?”

“Yes!” Victor answered brightly, glad to shake off the story.  He wanted Yuuri to know something of where he came from but he didn’t want to dwell on it.

“Remember,” Yuuri warned.  “Slow laps and the most elementary of figures.  We don’t want setbacks.”

They started out together taking slow and languid laps.  Then Yuuri took off building speed and Victor laughed in response.  Yuuri skated in and out of his space talking with him, turning to skate backwards, telling stories of growing up at this rink.  He would at times take Victor’s hand, inviting him to be more a part of him just a little more.

* * *

  


Three pairs of eyes watched the exchange between the two men and were snapping pictures from their hiding place using their phones.  They excitedly giggled about their “uncle Yuuri and his boyfriend” when a pair of large hands took the phones from them.  They looked up with wide eyes.  “Papa!” they squealed.

“No pictures.  Yuuri asked for privacy.  You will respect that, ladies.  At ten, you are old enough to know better.”

They pouted even as they watched their father take the phones down the back stairs with him.

* * *

  


Victor pulled to the edge of the rink watching Yuuri continue to warm up.  The brunette waved at him as he came around the curve and braked next to him.  “So, shall we see how _Eros_ works on ice?”

Victor nodded, a smile playing at his lips.  He loved watching Yuuri perform and he was eager to see the dance reinterpreted into a skate.  “I can’t wait,” he whispered.

“Keep your eyes on me,” Yuuri teased, his fingers sliding along Victor’s jawline.  The other man’s breath caught.  Yuuri smiled and winked before moving into the opening position.

Victor was aware of Yuuri’s friends Yuuko and Takeshi standing nearby to watch the skate but his attention was completely focused on Yuuri, his attention magnetically pulled to the other man.  Yuuri settled his eyes on Victor and Victor gasped as he watched the other man toss a teasing smirk in his direction before losing himself into the story of the music.

_The playboy arrived in town and focused his attention on the town beauty, assuming he could seduce the beauty to his side.  As the beauty danced in and out of the playboy’s space, he thinks that he has succeeded and moves to lay claim.  Except, there is another, someone who has been there all along, watching from the sidelines, biding time until the beauty is ready for him.  The beauty turns to the other man, captivated by someone they never considered. As if seeing him for the first time, they toss aside the playboy and draw themselves to the other._

Victor was breathless when Yuuri skates to his side, his face wide.  “It transitioned to the ice beautifully, Yuuri.  I can’t believe it.  I…have no words to describe…what that program elicits.”  Victor could feel heat in his cheeks but he held his head high.  He would not retreat from his words.

Takeshi laughed as Yuuri acknowledged them.  “That’s one spicy katsudon,” he teased.

“God!  Are you going to revive that nickname?”

“Once the blackout is lifted, I’m seeing #spicykatsudon trending once more.”

“You suck, you know!”

He laughed in response.  “Maybe, but I’ll hold onto it until you give the okay.  I took the cells from my girls earlier.”

Yuuri groaned.  “What did they capture?”

Takeshi lowered his voice.  “Just the two of you skating warmups.  Don’t worry,” Takeshi reassured him.  “They didn’t get anything posted.  I’ve declared the rink a cellphone free zone.”

“Thank you,” Yuuri murmured echoed by Victor.  Yuuri quirked an eyebrow in Victor’s direction.  “Do you want to cool down with me?”

“Ummm…s-sure,” he answered, taking the proffered hand.  They skated away from the boards while Yuuri’s friends looked on.

“What did you think?” Yuuri asked, turning to face Victor as he skated backwards, trusting Victor to guide him as earlier.

Victor grinned.  “It’s…a good program.  You marked the jumps.”

“I didn’t warm up any jumps.  Also, we haven’t discussed what jumps we would use.  We may have to adjust the entry points.”

Victor nodded.  “I hope I can convey the necessary emotion.”

“You can.  Just keep the story in mind.”

“The idea of seducing an entire arena full of people…”

Yuuri chuckled softly.  “You don’t.  You focus on one person.  The rest are watching it unfold as spectators.  The connection is between you and…someone.”

“You were focused on me,” Victor acknowledged, his eyes wide in realization.

Yuuri grinned.  “I would hope that that was obvious.”

Victor dropped his gaze, swallowing.  Finally, he nodded.  Yuuri tugged on his hand and he looked up to see that he was being pulled towards the exit.  “I think your friend’s observation was correct.”  Yuuri turned and raised an eyebrow as he clipped on the guards.  “You were…a spicy katsudon.”  Victor shifted his eyes down, feeling the heat rise up in his cheeks.  Yuuri’s warm laugh surrounded him.

“I’m going to give them hell if they revive that hashtag,” Yuuri answered back.  But he squeezed Victor’s hand and Victor felt grounded in reassurance.

Switching to their street shoes, Yuuri headed towards the entrance to the rink with Victor following close behind.  Stopping at the counter, he told his friends “thanks” before heading out.  Yuuri caught Victor’s hand, leading him down the steps.  They shared lighthearted conversation as they walked home.

* * *

  


**[LOST BOYS CENTRAL – Chat Logs]**

**TakeIce/  What is going on with Pan?**

**Peaches/  What do you mean?**

**SexGod/  I haven’t heard anything.**

**TakeIce/  SexGod?  Really, Chris?**

**Peaches/  rly, Chris?**

**SexGod/  What?  You said to pick a name that fits me.**

**Peaches/  I am rolling my eyes right now.**

**TakeIce/  Same.**

**Peaches/  Why do you ask, Take?**

**TakeIce/  Do you know about his guest?**

**Peaches/  Maybe?**

**SexGod/  Yes.  The Russian.**

**TakeIce/  Is he the one from the banquet video?**

**Peaches/  yes**

**SexGod/  Oui**

**TakeIce/  [File download]**

**TakeIce/  I don’t think this is just another rescue**

**Peaches/  :O**

**SexGod/  O.O**

**Peaches/  You know…he had quite a collection of V’s posters.**

**Peaches/  [File download]**

**Peaches/  Look on the wall behind Yuuri.  He watched a lot of skate videos.  We all do.  But he really studied V’s.**

**SexGod/  I know he was captivated at the banquet.  I’ve never seen Pan like that.**

**Peaches/  Agreed.  He showed no real interest in dating.**

**TakeIce/  He’s showing interest now.**

**Peaches/  I guess…we have a new lost boy.**

* * *

Victor tapped on Yuuri’s door that afternoon.  He heard Yuuri’s voice invite him in.  Opening, he noticed the lights were off and the room was dimmed.  Yuuri was in his bed.  “Are you okay?”

“I’m just needing quiet time,” Yuuri murmured, his voice sounding strained.

“I can come back later,” Victor whispered, lowering his voice.

Yuuri reached out a hand towards him.  “I don’t mind your company.  Join me for a nap?  I already have Makkachin.”

Victor hesitated only a moment before crawling across Yuuri’s bed.  He settled into the older man’s arms.  He stared up at the ceiling while Yuuri’s breathing evened out trying to form words.  When he broke the silence, his voice was soft, uncertain.  “I…think I want to stay here with you.”

Yuuri tightened his arms around him.  “You can stay as long as you want,” he answered softly.

“It might take me a while to be where you need me.”

“I need you here where I know you are safe,” Yuuri replied, leaning forward to brush a kiss on Victor’s forehead.  “The rest will come at the right time.”

“Thank you…for not rushing me.  I want…to be me.  I think…I haven’t been me for a long time.”  Victor turned in his embrace, tucking in under Yuuri’s chin.

“I want that for you, too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I modified the story behind Eros. I wanted it to tie to their story. I also wanted to remove the idea of the woman and suggest someone androgynous. Love is not a gender story. Love is between two people who choose to chase away one another’s monsters, who choose to hold each other up in their weakest moments. I truly believe love itself is a choice but attraction is chemistry. I hope you are seeing both of those elements coming into play with our main protagonists.


	10. Better Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calling home and free skate decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So thankful for my beta reader who knows a thing or two about figure skating and can keep me on track! Thank you, BluSkates, for the read and the input!

* * *

  

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Better Place](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvI9PuGorwI)  

 

 

 

Over the next week they fell into routine.  Walk to the rink.  Morning practice.  Afternoon naps.  Walking Makkachin while they talked.  Evening soaks in the onsen after everyone left.  Victor wanted the closeness with Yuuri and the naps provided a means of expressing a closeness without moving into the intimacy that Viktor wasn’t ready to express.  The sunlight streaming through the window chased the shadows from Victor’s mind as he lay in a half-wake state during this time with Yuuri.

 

Nighttime, however, was another matter.  Nightmares continued to plague him and he found himself checking on Yuuri several times.  Sometimes just seeing Yuuri breathe as he slept was enough.  Other times he had to touch him which often led to Yuuri enfolding him in his embrace.  Victor never stayed the entire night, slipping away before sunrise.  The interruptions in sleep showed up in the shadows around his eyes but Victor would make up for it during their naps.  

 

At Victor’s two week checkup he learned his condition had improved.  He wasn’t cleared to do much more than what he had already been skating at the rink with Yuuri but he felt hopeful.  The world seemed to be opening back up for him and Victor  knew it was because of Yuuri.  Yuuri, who offered his love in small doses to keep from overwhelming him.  Yuuri, who gave him small touches and tight embraces, small fluttery kisses along his temple and tender reassurances in his ear.  Victor could feel himself opening up to the older man a little more each day.

 

* * *

 

“I contacted my grandfather,” Yuuri informed Victor as they walked Makka that evening after the doctor’s appointment.  “He said that they have eyes on Mikhail.  He’s still in Russia, still looking for you and is convinced Yakov has hidden you at some secret figure skating training camp.”

 

“Surely…he doesn’t think I can skate after what he did to me!”

 

“Does he really know what it takes to skate?  The physicality of it?”

 

“I...used skating to escape him.  I would go in to skate often when I probably shouldn’t, pushing through the pain, ignoring...everything.  He...probably does think I can still skate...now that I think about it.”  Victor shuddered as memories started crowding in...the beatings he shook off, the rapes he pushed past.  He closed his eyes, fighting the tears coming to the surface.  He didn’t realize he was shaking until he felt arms wrap around him.  

 

“Victor,” Yuuri soothed gently.  “He’s not here.  You are safe.”

 

“I hate how he can still get into my head, Yuuri,” Victor rasped, fighting the tears crawling up his throat.  “He never even took responsibility.  He always blamed me when I was hurt...like I asked for it, demanded it even at times.  Who in their right mind would ask for that?”  

 

Masha always blamed him for his “little accidents”.  It was always Victor’s fault when Masha lost control.  What scared Victor more was when Masha was in control, when Masha would subject him to long, drawn out torture sessions that really showed the man’s sadistic nature.  He called it _playing_ but it was anything but.  Victor would be abandoned after Masha was finished with him, left to find his way out of the darkness he had retreated into.

 

He shook himself out of his thoughts, realizing how much they stood out in the open, looking up to see Yuuri watching him with concern, waiting.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.  

 

Yuuri shook his head, drawing Victor into his embrace.  “Don’t be sorry.  I just hate it when you end up back there.  I wish…I could take it all away.”

 

Victor drew a shaky breath.  “N-no, it’s okay.  You’ve helped me to escape.”  Victor laughed bitterly.  “It turns out that physical escape was the easy part.  It’s taking me longer to escape mentally.”

 

“You will get past this.  You are so very strong, Victor,” Yuuri encouraged, brushing a kiss against the taller man’s shoulder and then his neck.  Victor’s arms tightened around Yuuri.

 

“I think…I am only strong because I draw strength from you, Yuuri,” he whispered.

 

Yuuri held onto him.  “Take what you need from me, Victor.  You will, one day, be strong on your own.”

 

When they parted, Yuuri studied the man’s expression.  “Do you want to contact Yakov?”

 

Victor’s eyes widened.  “I can?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Grandfather thinks it should be fine.  But only Yakov.”

 

“Yakov is the one I wanted to contact the most,” Victor murmured.

 

“Let’s go find a quiet place to sit at the beach.  That way Makkachin can run and play while you make that call.”

 

“Will you…stay with me?”

 

“Of course.”

 

Soon they were seated.  Victor pulled out his phone shakily and found Yakov’s contact.  With a trembling hand he pressed down to send the call through.  It rang a few times before a gruff voice answered.

 

“Who is this?” the voice demanded in Russian.

 

“Yakov,” Victor began.

 

“Vitya?  Oh, my god!  Vitya, is that you?”

 

“I’m sorry, Yakov.  I couldn’t stay.”

 

“Where are you?  Are you safe?”

 

“I’m safe.  I’m with a…friend.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“H-he broke my ribs,” Victor began.  He could hear the sharp intake of breath on the other end.  It was then he realized that he never directly accused Masha before to anyone but Yuuri.  He always made excuses.  “I…had enough.  My friend offered me an escape.”

 

“I looked for you everywhere.  I found your phone in your locker but you never gave me another number.”

 

“My friend wanted to make sure that I was safe before I contacted you, Yakov.  I’m so sorry I worried you.”

 

“Don’t be sorry.  I’m just glad you’re safe, that you’re out.  Are you…skating?”

 

“Very little.  I’m not cleared to skate yet.”

 

“Of course, the ribs.”  Some muttered curses on the other end made Victor smile.  Yakov’s harsh personality was comfortable, familiar.

 

“I have worked with my friend to develop a short program.”

 

“Will you…allow me to talk to your friend?”

 

“He doesn’t speak Russian.  You’ll have to talk in English.”

 

“I can do that.”

 

“Okay,” Victor took a deep breath.  “Here’s Yuuri.”  He heard the gasp on the other end just before he handed the phone to Yuuri.

 

“Hello,” Yuuri greeted firmly.  “Yes, sir, I have the means to keep him safe.”  A long pause.  “At competitions I’ve shared with your skaters, you’ve most likely seen the bodyguard that follows me.  My grandfather is a powerful businessman.  He is used to protecting his assets.”  Short pause.  “Victor is now one of those assets.  He’s protected due to his importance to myself.”  Pause.  “Of course, here’s Victor.”  He passed the phone back to Victor who began again in Russian.

 

“Yakov?”

 

“Vitya, you’re with Katsuki.  Of all of the alliances you could have made…”

 

“He’s only being kind to me.”

 

“His grandfather is a ‘powerful business man’ my ass.  Do you know what old man Katsuki is?”

 

“I think…it is best that I don’t know too much.”

 

“I just…well, it may be the only way to protect you from Mikhail.  I don’t want to see you tied into that life, Vitya.”

 

“Yuuri keeps himself out of it.  He skates.  It will be fine.”

 

“You watch out for yourself.”

 

“I’m getting better at that, Yakov.  Will you…let Mila know I’m okay?”

 

“Of course.  However, your association with Katsuki will be kept quiet for now.  Fuck, Vitya…the way you make friends.”

 

“I know, Yakov,” Victor whispered, his voice becoming small.  He felt Yuuri’s arm tighten around him then loosen to make long circles on his back.  “I just…Masha was a mistake.  I’m trying to get past it.  Yuuri is different.  Please don’t put them in the same category.”

 

“I just…hate to see you hurt, Vitya,” the older man answered, lowering his voice.  “I’ve been worried about you.  I still worry about you but at least I know…you’re alive.”   _Did his voice break?_

 

Victor leaned against Yuuri’s shoulder and felt his own sobs rise up.  “I’m sorry.  But I am safe.  Yuuri will keep me safe.  Please don’t worry.”

 

“Vitya, I’m going to worry as long as that piece of shit is looking for you.  But…I feel better knowing you are far away.  And I suppose Katsuki can offer you protection that are out of others’ reach.  Would you be able to contact me once a week?”

 

“Yes.  If you store this number, please put it under another name.”

 

“Of course.  Can I call you, then?”

 

“Y-yes.  If necessary.”

 

“Good.  Once a week.  You promised.  Don’t forget.”

 

“I won’t, Yakov,” Victor murmured.

 

“Okay.  I won’t keep you any longer.”

 

“Good bye, Yakov,” Victor whispered, dropping his phone.  Yuuri held onto Victor and it took a moment for Victor to realize the rocking motion.  Victor slipped back into English.  “He’s been worried about me.”

 

“Of course he has,” Yuuri murmured.

 

“He wants me to call him once a week.”

 

“I think…that you need that connection, Victor.”  Yuuri watched the younger man wrapped up in his arms.  “Should I…do you want me to call you Vitya?”

 

Victor’s lips twitched and Yuuri could see the barest hint of a smile.  “I would love that,” he whispered.

 

* * *

 

Victor found Yuuri in his room reading.  “Yuuri, I’ve been thinking about my free skate.  I’d like to try something different than I’ve used in the past.”

 

Yuuri looked up from his book with curiosity.  “What do you have in mind?”

 

For some reason, Victor struggled to get the words out.  “It’s a song… _King_.  I-It feels personal.  I feel like…I’m reclaiming what I had before.  In fact, I thought about my theme and I keep coming back to the word ‘Reclaim’.  What do you think?”

 

“It sounds like a great plan, Vitya.  Do you have the song?  I don’t know it and I’d like to hear it.”  Victor sat down on the sofa and felt Yuuri’s arm draw him closer.  Yuuri accepted the earbuds from Victor as Victor scrolled through and played the[ song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZeVx_9au5g) .  Yuuri closed his eyes and automatically started picturing the program, filling it with elements in his mind.  Looking up, to meet Victor’s eyes on the song’s conclusion, he nodded in agreement.  “I think this is perfect.  And it works great against the confidence of _Eros_.  I like it.”

 

Victor’s eyes lit up.  “Thank you!  I wasn’t sure…it’s so different from what I normally skate.”

 

“Different can be good.  Keeps things fresh for the audience.”  Yuuri reached out and turned Victor to face him, sliding his fingers down the side of his neck.  The other shivered but focused his eyes on Yuuri, drawn in under his spell.  “You will be beautiful.  I am excited for when the doctor lets you skate again.”

 

“How do you know?” he asked uncertainly.

 

Yuuri’s expression softened.  “Because I’ve studied you over the years.  The potential is there but I knew you were thrown off track for some reason.”

 

Victor processed the words.  Finally, he asked, “You studied me?”

 

“Yes.  Your skating drew my attention during your junior years.  You had to have noticed the poster of you in my wall in my room.”

 

Victor nodded, blushing.  “I-I didn’t think it belonged among the pictures that accompany it.  But…I wish I could find that me again.”

 

“He’s still there,” Yuuri whispered softly, drawing Victor closer with those fingers of his.  He wanted to kiss him but Victor wasn’t ready.  He turned as he drew up to Yuuri, receiving that kiss on his forehead before his head settled on Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri seemed fine with the outcome, tightening his embrace.  “I think…it’s like unwrapping you.  You’ve covered it all with layers of scars and pain.  Loss of your mother.  Loneliness.  And then Masha.  I can’t take away your past, Victor.  I can accept it and help you to move beyond it.”

 

Victor’s breathing became ragged and he knew he was on the verge of tears.  He felt Yuuri’s hand on his back moving in circles.  He closed his eyes and focused on that hand and the other one resting on his hip.  Grounding sensations helped him to relax.  He lifted his chin and brushed a kiss against Yuuri’s neck, hearing the other’s soft intake of breath in response, feeling the other’s hand stutter in its movement for a moment before continuing.

 

* * *

 

The next two weeks rotated between studio time and skating time.  Victor directed Yuuri as they developed _King,_ feeling a personal connection to the song and wanting more involvement.  Yuuri worked out Victor’s jumps and entrances as he built _Eros_.   

 

When they took _King_ to the ice, Victor’s movements seemed to charged with vibration of excitement, anticipation tinging his motion, powerful forwards strokes into mohawks, leading to backwards crossovers, all more alive than before as he skated circles with Yuuri.  Yuuri listened to _King_ playing in loop on the speakers, the mood of the song settling in on his face.  Victor watched in fascination.  Yuuri’s entire process was so different, so natural.  It lacked the demanding nature of Yakov’s coaching.  Old Victor might have thrived in that other environment if somewhere along the way he hadn’t been broken. Victor had learned to be afraid of demanding people, pushing their ideas on him.  Yuuri seemed to draw something from within Victor that had been dormant for a long time. They worked in partnership, Yuuri valuing what Victor contributed, listening and discussing the details.

 

Yuuri took position as the final notes played out.  As the thick notes of the introductory instrumentation signaled him into action, Yuuri danced through[ _King_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZeVx_9au5g) , his motions fluid.  Whereas _Eros_ was about loving another, King was definitely about loving yourself.  Both were about casting off the past but one focused on the external and physical, the other purely internal.    _King_ was Victor taking back control, taking back his life, reclaiming the place he lost to his demons, the thoughts that made him fall victim to Masha.  No, he refused to go back to that broken state in which he arrived.  No, he may be scarred but those scars would not define him.  He would reclaim his life.

 

Yuuri lovingly embraced himself as he closed into the final position then raised his arms as the spin enveloped him coming to a stop, one arm raised, the other over with the hand fisted over his heart.

 

“Well?” he asked breathless.

 

Victor nodded.  “I think…it’s perfect.”

 

Yuuri laughed as he skated to Victor’s side.   “Well, maybe not perfect, but I think the choreography is solid.  Tomorrow is your next appointment with the doctor.  Maybe then you will be cleared to skate.”

 

“I hope,” Victor whispered, his eyes wide with anticipation.  Yuuri probably sensed his restlessness as he skated around the rink, the circles no longer enough.  He wanted to claim the programs as his own.  He wanted to put more of himself into them.

 

Yuuri smiled encouragingly taking his hands and squeezing them.  “Everything in time.”

 

 


	11. Try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 4 week appointment. Yakov and what's happening in Russia. An anxious Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for editing this and making some brilliant suggestions.
> 
> Several of you asked me what's happening in Russia. Well, here goes...
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments. I love kudos, shares, subscriptions, all the good things!

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

 

* * *

 

[ Try](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTCDVfMz15M)

 

Victor sat before the doctor as he examined the young man.  “Are you still relying on the muscle relaxers and pain medication?”

 

“Not so much,” Victor answered quietly.

 

“When do you take them?” the doctor inquired.

 

Victor shrugged.  “After a long day before I go to bed.  I find that the onsen helps quite a bit, though.”

 

The doctor pulled out the film and studied it in comparison with the x-rays from the weeks before.  “It appears to be knitting together quite nicely.”  Setting it down, he looked over at the skater thoughtfully.  “I wouldn’t want to see you taking jumps yet.  But…I can clear you for the ice.  Come back in two weeks, we’ll see your progress, and talk about jumps then.”

 

Victor’s eyes lit up excited.  “Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I’ll let you work through your choreography but if you so much as think of a jump I’ll ban you from the ice.”

 

“Yes, sir!”  Victor was already standing up and pulling on his shirt as he bounced up and down in excitement.  Yuuri couldn’t help but laugh at his exuberance.

 

* * *

 

 

“Come here, Victor,” Yuuri directed, a smile playing on his lips.  Victor drew up to his side and mimicked Yuuri’s starting position.  “I know you know these programs.  You helped me build them and perfect them.  I want you to skate them.  First, _Eros_.”

 

Victor nodded sharply.  Yuuri raised an eyebrow and Victor took a deep breath, adjusting to the attitude of the program.

 

“Mark the jumps,” Yuuri reminded him.  Victor stuck out his tongue and Yuuri rolled his eyes in answer before counting out the take off.  They moved through the choreography, Yuuri guiding him through the entire program before Yuuri fell off to the side and commanded Victor to go through it once more, this time solo.  Victor nodded and went back to the starting position.  After the third time through, Victor came to Yuuri’s side with a visible pout.

 

“It’s not coming easily.  I know this program but…I don’t think I can convey it.”

 

Yuuri laughed warmly.  “You just started, Vitya,” he teased, his fingers sliding along the curve of Victor’s chin.  He saw Victor’s eyes widen with the use of the diminutive form of his name.  He watched with interest as Victor leaned into his touch.  “Trust me.  You can do this.  Focus for now getting the routine into muscle memory.”

 

“Can we work on _King_ instead?” he asked with a touch of petulance.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “After the break, maybe.  We will do _Eros_ for now, Victor,” he answered firmly.

 

Victor drew his eyebrows in as he studied the space in front of him on the ice.  “Let me hear the music, please?”

 

Yuuri smiled.  “Now that I can do.”  Yuuri moved over and prepared the music.  Picking up the remote, he moved back to his position near the entrance and waited for Victor to return to start.

When Victor was ready, he nodded to Yuuri who hit play.  

 

Victor…winked.  Yuuri started, then grinned.  He watched the music wrap its seductive fingers around Victor, drawing him out.  

 

Victor…was playful.  He teased Yuuri with his movements and Yuuri couldn’t help the smile that settled on his lips.  

 

Victor…flirted.  As if possessed by his younger self, Yuuri watched the shadows of the past few years fall away from Viktor.  Youth settled around him and he seemed to grab hold of that version of himself.  Yuuri chuckled in response.  

 

Victor…stole Yuuri’s heart.  He already knew that but it became more apparent in the skate.  He was lost to him.

 

Victor came to his side.  “Better?”

 

“Much,” Yuuri answered, gruffness entering his voice.  “I can’t wait until we add in jumps.”

 

Victor nodded excitedly.  “Nor can I.”

 

“For now, we will focus on your artistry and step sequences.”

 

“Spins?”

 

“Once the others are down, we’ll tighten your spins.  I don’t want to put too much strain on your

body.”

 

Victor nodded, taking Yuuri’s words in thoughtfully.  “How was my interpretation?” he asked, feigning wide-eyed innocence.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Youthful.  It was…a beautiful interpretation.  I would like to see you hold onto that innocence…while still aging it up.”

 

Victor nodded in agreement.  He toyed with his hair as he considered his program.  “I was trying to remember what it was like…when I still enjoyed skating.”

 

“I can see that,” Yuuri murmured.  “It’s good to go back to that place…and maybe...bring it forward?”

 

Victor dropped his head against Yuuri’s shoulder.  “Do you think I can?  Do you think it’s possible to enjoy it once more?” he asked uncertainly into the bend of Yuuri’s neck.  

 

Yuuri brushed his lips against the top of his head.  “Once you find joy in your life, it will come out in your skating, Vitya,” he murmured softly as he leaned his cheek against the top of Victor’s head.

 

“I think…with you, I’m closer,” Victor answered quietly.

 

* * *

 

 

Mila stormed into Yakov’s office like a red-headed hurricane, grabbed the oversized dictionary from his desk, and threw it at the opposite wall.  Yakov growled in irritation.  Mila stamped her feet repeatedly, her fists at her side, offering her own screechy growl in response.

 

“Something upsetting you, Mila?” Yakov asked, annoyance clearly showing in his voice.

 

“Victor’s old boyfriend!” she screeched, going through another series of stamps and fistint.

 

A dark cloud moved over Yakov’s countenance as he shifted his posture upright, his eyebrows knitting together.  Raising his voice with tightly contained anger, he asked, “Did he approach you?”

 

“Yura and I were running to the rink and he stopped us.  He kept trying to get us to tell him where you hid Victor.  I told him we honestly don’t know.  Still…he was threatening, Yakov.  I honestly felt threatened.  He kept coming into our space trying to intimidate us.”  She drew a sharp intake of breath.  “Yura is only fifteen!  He needs to back off!”

 

“I agree.  I’ll get a restraining order against him where all of my skaters are concerned.  Go warm up, Mila.”  He watched Mila as she huffed and then stomped out of the office, her anger not dissipated in the least.  Sighing, he picked up the phone and called his attorney.

 

Over the past weeks the rink in St. Petersburg had adopted a new, unspoken rule,   _Do not ask where Vitya is hiding._  The other skaters suspected Yakov knew but it was in Victor’s best interest for the rest of them to remain in the dark.  When Mila came to him frantic the morning Victor had disappeared having found Victor’s phone in his otherwise empty locker and showed Yakov their final text exchanges, Yakov hid the note that Victor had left behind.  Yakov told Mila that Victor  was in a safe place, hoping there was truth in those words.

 

The day following Victor’s flight from Russia, Mikhail pushed his way into Yakov’s office demanding to know where Victor had fled.  Yakov deflected Mikhail, drawing the younger man’s focus onto himself.  It was the only way he knew to protect Victor and give him a chance.  He hated to lose the skater, a boy whom he’d raised from fourteen and known even longer.  However, he wanted him safe and free from Mikhail’s control.

 

Yakov waited until the third day to unlock Victor’s phone.  He found…a note written to Yakov.  “If anything happens to me, hand this over as evidence.  The pictures will explain it all.”  He flicked over to the photos and found a folder marked “Masha’s Abuse”.  His eyes widened when he realized that Victor had categorically chronicled the abuse over the last year.   In the pictures, he would hold up date cards and take pictures of the damage to his body.  The pictures progressively grew worse.  By the time he reached the broken wrist that Yuuri spotted at the GPF, the old man was physically ill that he was unable to get Victor out of that man’s hold.  The boy had been tortured.  Yakov drew a steeling breath before finishing up the photos.  That phone was now in his attorney’s hands.    

 

When Victor called him two weeks later, he fought through the urge to cry, the relief was so strong.  Although he was nervous about Victor being in Katsuki’s care, Yakov knew the skater’s familial connection to the Yakuza, he investigated the other skater and only learned good things about him.  The older skater was unfailingly kind.  His coach and friends, of course, spoke highly of him, however, so did others, talking about how he went out of his way to help one and then another of his fellow skaters without any expectation of return.  With that investigation, he began to relax about Victor’s caretaker.

 

A week later, Victor called once more.  The old coach told Victor that his phone was in the hands of their attorney.  Victor told him that the credit card he used to leave had been reported stolen.  Yakov told him not to worry.  The bill would be covered.  “Will you be skating?”

 

Victor laughed bitterly.  “I’m trying.  All I can do is try.  Yuuri seems confident.”

 

“Programs?” Yakov asked.

 

Victor hesitated before answering, “We...are working on them.”

 

“Vitya…are you okay?”  Yakov couldn’t shake his worry and he was certain his voice sounded gruffer than normal.

 

There was a deep breath on the other end.  Finally, Victor answered, “I will be.  Some days are easier than others.  I’m…in a better place.”

 

“Please watch out for yourself, Vitya,” Yakov warned.  “Don’t make me attend your funeral.”

 

The other end of the line was quiet for a few moments.  Finally, Victor answered gruffly, “That’s why I had to leave.”

 

“I know…I saw the…pictures.  You never let me know it was that bad.”

 

“I…didn’t want you to know.  I…wanted to forget it myself.”

 

“Vitya…” Yakov sighed.

 

“I know.  I…I’m out now.  Hopefully, I can stay free.”

 

“Please be careful.”

 

“I will, Yakov.  Yuuri makes sure of it.”

 

“Okay,” Yakov answered in resignation.

 

That was four days ago.

 

Yakov still protected him…but he needed to find a way to protect the others as well.  He picked up his phone and made a call.  Yuuri Katsuki and Mikhail Volkov weren’t the only ones with connections.

 

“Gregor?  I have a problem.  Volkov’s son, Mikhail, is harassing my skaters.  Can you arrange someone to shake him up?”  Yakov pulled out the old vodka bottle and shot glass from the bottom drawer as he listened.  “No, Victor’s no longer with him.  That’s the problem.  Mikhail isn’t ready to accept that.” Yakov threw back a shot of vodka.  “Thanks, Gregor.  I’ll be sure and give Lilia your love.”  Lilia…his ex but still a good friend even if they both admit it grudgingly.  He sighed.  Time to deal with those thankless kids on the ice.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri found Victor in the locker room curled up in the corner.  Kneeling down, Yuuri asked him gently, “What’s wrong?”

 

Victor handed Yuuri the phone.  The headline read _Russian Figure Skater Reported Missing_ .  Yuuri flicked his eyes to Victor before dropping them.   _Fuck!_   This was not what they needed.  Once he made the headlines, it would be harder to hide him.  “It...couldn’t have been...Yakov,” Victor stuttered.  “What if he finds me?  I was really beginning to feel safe, Yuuri.  What if...it’s all ruined?”

 

Yuuri pulled him into his arms, his hands soothing Victor as they massaged up and down his back.  Leaning his cheek against Victor’s head, he reassured him.  “He’s desperate.  Trying to find a way to flush you out.  I’m sure Yakov is already working on a press release to counteract this.”

 

“And if it’s not enough?”  Yuuri winced at the panic he heard in Victor’s voice.  Thankfully, the other man can’t see him.  “Someone will eventually see me. It will show up on social media.”

 

“That’s when grandfather’s team takes over,” he reminded him gently but firmly.  “First of all, his visa will be denied.  He’s already been blacklisted.  The second line of defense is the security that cover pretty much all of this town.  Then we have the individual security details that look after both of us.  Every one of them has a picture of Mikhail and they know what you look like.  He won’t be able to get near you. You will be safe, Victor.  Especially here.”

 

A press release, issued by Yakov, came out later that day stating that “Victor Nikiforov was staying in a private physical rehab facility while he recovered from an injury.”

 

* * *

 

 

Takeshi found Victor fidgeting in the stands while Yuuri talked with Yuuko.  “Do you know about the Lost Boys?” he asked.  Victor shook his head in answer.  “Well, there’s a reason we all call him Pan.  He’s been pulling us out of fixes for as long as I remember.  There are quite a few of us, now.  Although, I think the main ones are Chris, Phichit, and myself.”  He was quiet, resting his eyes on the ice.  “You aren’t the first one he’s rescued.”

 

“I know.  His mother told me.”

 

“He’s not failed us.  Not one.  And with each one, that’s another one looking out for you.”

 

Victor gazed across the ice where Yuuri chatted with his friend.  “H-how did he rescue you?”

 

Takeshi laughed.  “Well…mine was much more subtle.  And we sort of rescued each other.  When Yuuri was younger, he was a tiny kid.  His other classmates would bully him.  He’d hold a stiff chin but he continued to be pushed and shoved.  One day, I watched Yuuko stand up for him.  Something went through me that day.  First of all, I think I fell for that mama bear across the rink.  I also found that I was willing to champion her causes.   It’s funny, though.  Kids aren’t so willing to bully someone with friends that will stand up for them.

 

“A few years later, I wanted to ask Yuuko out but I was scared shitless.  Yuuri would roll his eyes at me and tell me to just ask her.  I don’t know.  It’s hard to cross from friends…to something more.  What if it goes wrong?  Then you lose a friend as well.  So…Yuuri started asking us to go places with him.  Only, he’d cancel at the last minute.  Not every time.  But enough times to look suspicious.  By the time we caught on, however, I had worked up the courage to ask Yuuko out.  So, I owe Yuuri my family.  And that’s how he became godfather to our girls.”

 

“Hiroko told me about Hikaru.  She didn’t think they were dating although I got the idea she already knew her son was gay.”

 

Takeshi chuckled.  “If nobody knew at the time, they figured it out when Yuuri started hanging out with Hikaru.  They…sort of dated.  Then they decided they made better friends.  Yuuri felt bad because Hikaru would not have been found out if it weren’t for him.  So he made sure he took care of him until he could take care of himself.  I know they’ve lost touch over the years, though.  Hikaru never comes back here.”

 

* * *

 

Victor woke with a start, pulling his legs to his chest as he looked around the room trembling.   _I am safe.  I am with Yuuri.  He can’t get to me._  Then he knew he needed to be next to Yuuri.  Grabbing his pillow, he padded down the hall to Yuuri’s room.  The other man was sitting up scrolling through his phone when he walked through the door.

 

“Bad dream?” Yuuri asked as he lifted the blanket back to welcome him.  Victor nodded wordlessly.  “I had a feeling after the news report.  Yakov’s press release seems to be doing its job.  Several papers have updated their articles in response.”  Yuuri put his phone on the charger.

 

Victor nodded, squeezing his pillow close.  “Can I…can I sleep with you?”

 

“Of course, Vitya.  Come here,” Yuuri offered, opening his arms.  Victor curled up into his embrace and soon their legs entangled.

 

The next morning, Yuuri’s eyes opened.   _Something’s different._  Looking down in his arms, he smiled at the silver haired man snuggled into his them.  He hugged the other man close to his heart, murmuring in Japanese, "I love you, Vitya."

 

 

 


	12. Don't You Worry Child

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor’s whereabouts is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are going to start picking up. Enjoy the ride!
> 
> Thank you, BluSkates, for helping me pick a song and for all of the fabulous edits!

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Don’t You Worry Child](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9BtTrZdft8)

 

Within a few days, Yuuri woke up to social media tags and posted pictures showing Victor and him together in Hasetsu.   _ Fuck _ !  He turned to Victor sleeping quietly on his pillow.  Another nightmare brought him to Yuuri’s side the previous night.  He never minded Victor’s presence but he hated the pain that brought him there.  He decided to let Victor sleep a few more minutes while he showered.

 

Returning to Victor’s side, he gently roused the other man from his sleep.  Victor shifted, his hand going to his forehead, palm up, but still not waking.  Yuuri found himself studying the other man tenderly.   _ God, I want to kiss you.  _  He pulled himself together and gently shook the man once more, watching those silver lashes flutter open sleepily.  “Good morning,” he whispered.

 

Victor smiled.  “Good morning,” he responded sleepily, reaching a hand out to touch Yuuri’s cheek.  Yuuri’s breath caught even as his hand went up to cover Victor’s, turning into that touch.  He decided to wait until Victor was fully awake to tell him the news.

 

Victor shoved back the blankets and slid out of bed.  “See you at breakfast,” Yuuri stated as he watched the other man stretch.  He received a mumbled response and smiled to himself.  Victor could be sunshine in the morning but he wasn’t always bright eyed and clear headed.

 

Victor joined Yuuri fifteen minutes later pulling his hair through an elastic band as he found a seat next to Yuuri.  Their standard breakfast awaited him.  Yuuri let him eat in peace knowing it would take Victor a few more minutes to become conversant.  Scrolling through social media, he thought about damage control.  They knew this would happen.  Both Phichit and he had watched for the posts but it was an impossible task to look at everything.  With the article and resulting press release pulling their names to the forefront it put the spotlight on them.

 

Finally, Victor slipped from his stool and washed his dish.  Turning to Yuuri, he raised an eyebrow.  “Ready?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Do you feel up to a jog?”

 

Victor tilted his head thoughtfully.  “I might need to work up to it.  So…maybe half and half?”

 

“I’ll let you set the pace,” Yuuri conceded.  Their skates waited for them in the lockers so they packed light, grabbing their lunch and water bottles. 

 

They made it halfway before Victor called for a rest.  They were at the crest of a hill and Yuuri leaned against a rail watching Victor catch his breath.  Victor looked up then knitted his eyebrows together.  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

 

Yuuri didn’t realize that as he had watched Victor with such an unguarded expression of concern he had betrayed his thoughts on talking about the photos on the internet.  He sighed, drawing his expression in.  “I…need to tell you something.”

 

Victor seemed uneasy as he moved to sit next to Yuuri.  “Okay.  I’m listening.”

 

“We were worried about the news articles bringing attention to us.  Well, someone took a picture of the two of us and it hit the internet.  I’m not sure what the fallout will be but…I want you to be aware.  I’ve already sent word to Grandfather and he’s tightening security on the island.”

 

Victor listened, staring at the ground in front of him, as Yuuri spelled out the situation.  Finally he nodded sharply.  “I guess we will soon find out how good your grandfather’s protection will be.”

 

“I want the two of us to stay close from this point forward.”

 

Victor nodded in agreement.

 

They continued their run to the Ice Castle and the day of practice went smoothly in spite of the bad news.  Victor skated through  _ Eros, _ his movements demonstrating his growing appreciation  of the depth of emotion Yuuri was seeking for that program.  Yuuri worked on Victor’s step sequences to help him clean and hold the edges.  Finally, after a short break, they worked on  _ King _ .  Victor felt more involved with this choreography because it was personal to him and he grabbed the interpretation with ease.   He still had to work through the routine systematically, however he could roughly skate the entire program with ease marking his jumps.

 

* * *

  
  


They took the most direct route home as a jog.  It was mid-afternoon when Yuuri dragged Victor upstairs for a shower and nap.  Victor settled into Yuuri’s embrace and soon dozed off as Yuuri played with Victor’s hair.  Yuuri’s thoughts were starting to turn in on themselves.  He stared up at the ceiling worrying about what could happen, going through strategies to keep Victor safe, running through a myriad of horrors and unrealistic scenarios as his anxiety spiraled, thinking about repercussions for the rest of the family if he fails, if his grandfather fails.

 

Victor finally stirred in his arms and looked up at Yuuri in concern.  “You’re tense.  What’s wrong?”

 

“My brain won’t shut down.  I’m sure I’m making a small problem into a larger one…hazards of anxiety,” he explained.

 

Victor nodded in acceptance.  “Is there something I can do to help?”

 

Yuuri considered his offer thoughtfully.  “Would you come with me to the studio and dance?   I often skate or dance through my anxiety.  It helps me…to clear my mind.”

 

“Of course I’ll join you,” Victor agreed, squeezing Yuuri’s hand.  “It’s better we stay together anyway.”

 

Yuuri pushed the covers back and pulled Victor along with him.  “Okay…let’s go eat dinner and head to the studio.”

 

* * *

  
  


The studio was darkened by the evening rays of sun, long shadows moving across the floor.  Yuuri only added some warm lamplight knowing that as the evening sun faded, the room would become shadowed and intimate.  When Victor raised an eyebrow, he explained, “Reduction of stimuli.  Too much information here,” he raised his head touching his head, “means that I need to shut out information out here.”  He spread his arms wide to indicate everything outside of himself.

 

Victor listened intently, uncertain how to proceed.  He stepped towards Yuuri and took his hand, intertwining their fingers.  “What do you need from me?”

 

Yuuri rested his head on the other man’s shoulder, swaying quietly.  “Dance with me.  Your presence comforts me,” he whispered.  Yuuri felt Victor’s free arm slide around his waist while Victor’s other hand still held Yuuri’s.  They moved in the silence allowing the emotion in their thoughts to direct their steps.  Victor’s hand moved up and down Yuuri’s back in a comforting motion as he held the other man.  

 

At some point, they broke apart and Yuuri moved to the speakers where he connected his phone.  Victor waited, a willing vessel for Yuuri to expend his anxiety and for Yuuri to reach into him to awaken the latent emotions.  The  [ music ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=toEWc2T3TOE) filtered into the room at this point.  Yuuri’s approach to the other man was shy and uncertain.  Victor waited, his eyes following the brunette.  Then he felt those hands on his shoulders, Yuuri leaning into his space.

 

Victor soon became lost in Yuuri’s movements.  If he thought  _ Eros _ was seductive, this was on another level.  It wasn’t sexual energy but much more intense, possessive and desire juxtaposed against the idea of offering himself.  Victor was breathless as he responded to Yuuri’s dance, their bodies creating a conversation their voices weren’t ready to have just yet.  

 

Not a word had been said since Yuuri’s whispered phrases pulling Victor into the dance.  They didn’t need them.  One song faded into another as Victor answered the questions of Yuuri’s body, allowing himself to be pulled under Yuuri’s spell.

 

Then…they separated, needing to distance themselves.  They had been brushing against a boundary that neither were ready to cross, but longing was dragging them along like a current.  They stood facing one another, breathless, one step from either of them would pull them together.  Victor…turned away, squeezing his eyes shut, denying the tears that were sliding down his cheeks. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri whispered, reaching his hand out, wanting to touch him but knowing the other needed him to respect the distance.  Dropping his hand, he continued, “I didn’t mean to…push.”

 

“I know,” Victor murmured.  “I think we both were swept along.  It’s inevitable.  I just…need a little more time, Yuuri.”  He turned to face the other man, his desire evident in his expression, warring against his control.  “I want you,” he admitted, his voice thick.  “I just…don’t want to lose myself in you.”

 

Yuuri nodded, lifting his hand slightly before dropping it once more.  “I’ve never wanted anyone like this,” he confessed.  “But…I care for you, too.  I don’t want to rush this.  I want to give you the time you need.”

 

It was Victor that took Yuuri’s hand, sliding his fingers between Yuuri’s.  “I can…do this,” he whispered, stepping closer into Yuuri’s space.  “And this,” he added, leaning forward, brushing his lips over Yuuri’s, tasting the other man’s gasp, feeling the other man rest his free hand lightly on his shoulder, noting the tension in the other man’s body as Yuuri fought against the need to pull him closer, to deepen the kiss.  He appreciated that control.  Stepping back, Victor brushed the back of his fingers down Yuuri’s cheek.  “Thank you,” he whispered.

 

* * *

  
  


They ignored their phones the next day.  Notifications about shared pictures of them continued to plague them and they were done with it, feeling braced to accept the consequences…until they arrived at the skating rink.

 

Reporters crowded the steps.

 

Victor felt Yuuri tense up next to him, heard his breath hitch, quickening.  Turning towards the other man, he could see panic in Yuuri’s eyes.  However, they had already been spotted.  He considered his options and decided the best route was to get Yuuri through them and into the safety of the rink. “Follow me,” he directed quietly.  “Stay close to me.”

 

As he approached the step, he felt the onslaught of “Mr. Nikiforov” and “Mr. Katsuki” calls as the reporters begged for their attention.  Victor pushed through them without acknowledgment until he reached the top of the steps, then he turned, and flicked his eyes over the crowd, his expression taking on a charming calm.  “So much excitement!” he teased the reporters.  He could hear Yuuri’s breathing laboring behind him.  He needed to break free of them and get Yuuri inside but he also needed to give them enough to get them to leave.

 

“Mr. Nikiforov, is it true that you and Mr. Katsuki are in a relationship?”

 

Victor gave them a smile, calculating his response.  Ignoring the question altogether, he dropped just enough information in redirect.  “I am here visiting my friend and taking advantage of the hot springs as I recover from my injury.”

 

“Mr. Nikiforov, nothing was released about your injury.  Can you tell us how it occurred?”

 

Victor forced a laugh.  “We all have bad days on the ice.”

 

“How were you injured, Mr. Nikiforov?”

 

“What was the extent of the injury, Mr. Nikiforov?”

 

Victor shook his head.  “Not important.  I am under a doctor’s care and have been released to continue skating.  That’s really what you want to know, right?  I will be skating in the coming season.”  There was a buzz among the reporters and they started pushing their questions again when Victor raised his hand to cut them off.  “Now if you’ll excuse me, you are cutting into my practice time.  That is all I have to say.”  With that dismissal, he guided Yuuri into the rink. 

 

“We tried to text you and warn you,” Yuuko cried out as she came to their side.  Takeshi guided Yuuri further inside. 

 

“Our phones were going crazy from notifications so we turned them off,” Victor answered.  “It can’t be helped.  Hopefully they received enough blood for the day.”  He turned his eyes towards Yuuri, concerned about his anxiety.  “Yuuri,” he stated firmly.  The other man looked up and Victor could see a thousand thoughts sliding through his eyes.  “We are safe for now.  Let’s go get our skates, okay?  We can skate off that anxiety.”

 

Yuuri nodded, allowing Victor to continue to take charge.

 

In the locker room, Yuuri’s hands stilled on his laces, losing himself in his thoughts once more.  Victor placed a grounding hand on his, taking the laces from his fingers while he deftly knotted the first skate then the other.  Finally, Yuuri looked up, his focus returning.  “I’m sorry.  I…am not good with reporters.”

 

“I remember you always let your coach do most of the talking,” Victor responded quietly.  “And you told me about how they made false, hurtful allegations over your anxiety medication.  I can see where they could trigger you.”  Patting the top of the skate, he guided the foot to the floor and faced Yuuri.  “Yakov has drilled into me how to handle the press.  I knew the story Yakov released and I provided just enough information to support it while not lying.  It will be fine.”

 

Yuuri chewed his lower lip, uncertain in the face of his own weakness.  “I should be protecting you and I fall apart at the first sign of trouble.”

 

Victor laughed bitterly.  “I wouldn’t say that was the  _ first _ sign of trouble, Yuuri.  You’ve been there when I need you.  This…I could handle.”  Reaching out a hand, he brushed his fingers along Yuuri’s jawline.  “You can’t be strong for me all the time,” he murmured.  “I have to take things back eventually.  Let me be strong for you sometimes.”

 

Yuuri nodded and then gasped as Victor leaned forward to brush another kiss over his lips.  His eyes fluttered closed as Victor slowly deepened the kiss.  Still chaste, but gently exploring the surface even as they explored the surface of this newly forming relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I look forward to hearing from you. Comment away. Short on time, hit the kudos so I know you like what you see. And remember, sharing is caring! Thanks so much for reading! ;)
> 
> ~ Den


	13. King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six weeks!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, BluSkates, for your edits and suggestions!
> 
> Also, I thought I had already posted this. I have another chapter waiting in the wings. It will either go up in the morning or this evening if I'm impatient.

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ King](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZeVx_9au5g)

 

 

At six weeks the doctor finally cleared Victor for jumps.  Yuuri allowed him to pick the program he wanted to work on and Victor chose, to Yuuri’s lack of surprise,  _ King _ .  “I need to skate to  _ King _ ,” he insisted as he tied his skates. 

 

Yuuri laughed indulgently.  “That’s fine.  I want you to work on your jumps, though.  Singles for the run through.  You can practice the jumps individually afterwards.  I’d like you to work up to triples and quads slowly.  We still have plenty of time.”

 

They skated around the perimeter.  Yuuri could see the excitement humming through Victor with the last of the restrictions removed.  Victor gathered speed, leaned into an inside three turn and tested out a double toe loop.  His smile was contagious.  Yuuri found himself laughing in response.

 

Victor skated into position and settled into his opening pose.  When Victor met his eyes, Yuuri started the music.  Victor used his movements to personify the loneliness of the preceding years of his life.  Even though he lived with Masha, that loneliness never lifted.  In truth, it was stronger.  Masha isolated him to keep Victor under his control.   But now…with Yuuri, he was now in control.  He was now taking back his life.  He was now reclaiming what was lost. 

 

As the second chorus closed, he transitioned to Yuuri’s presence in his life.  Yuuri offered him a renewed life.  He showed Victor love without condition.  Victor now knew that there were cracks in Yuuri’s armor.  He knew about Yuuri’s anxiety and how it could break him down.  However, he also watched how Yuuri used that to draw strength…not necessarily for himself, but to bestow on others.  Yuuri helped him learn to fight the monsters in his head.  Yuuri showed him how to set aside his faults, how to reclaim the crown.  

 

His closing stance brought his focus back onto Yuuri.   _ I’m in love with him. _  His breath caught.  It wasn’t the first time he thought this, but now…it was tangible. 

 

Yuuri’s expression reflected back his own.  He felt himself blanketed in Yuuri’s fondness, in his regard.  Victor skated to his side and felt Yuuri’s embrace enfold him.  “That was beautiful, Vitya!”

 

Victor hugged him back, resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.

 

* * *

 

 

That evening, they were stretching along the barre.  “What kind of dance background do you have, Vitya?”

 

Victor closed his eyes as he stretched allowing the pleasure of his name falling off those lips to sweep over him.  “Mmmm…ballet, of course.  I’ve taken some ballroom dancing as you saw at the banquet.”

 

“Any jazz or contemporary?”

 

“The only contemporary dance I’ve studied is contemporary ballet.  Lilia was still married to Yakov when he first took me in and she was a prima ballerina in her youth.  So she has provided the dance instruction over the years to all of us and she preferred ballet to all forms.  What about you?”

 

Yuuri switched to stretch the other leg.  “My focus has always been ballet.  Minako trained me since I was a rambunctious four-year-old.  At six, she introduced me to ice skating and that’s where I truly fell in love.  However, I studied ballet strictly through my teen years.  Once I left for college, though, I studied many styles including jazz, contemporary, ballroom, and even pole dancing.”

 

Victor’s eyebrows went up.  “Pole dancing?”

 

“It usually comes naturally to those who have a strong ballet background.”

 

“I just can’t picture you…” Victor began then stuttered to a stop because, honestly once Yuuri mentioned it so nonchalantly, the image started burning itself into his mind.  He heard a knowing chuckle next to him.   _ I…am lost to this man…and I think he knows it. _  He flicked his eyes over Yuuri during the stretch that elongated his form.   _ I hope I’m never found _ .

 

Yuuri moved to the floor to continue his stretches.  Victor dropped down before him stretching into a split. “It’s probably good we came here to get in a good stretch.  We should sleep well tonight.”

 

“Could we…still spend time in the onsen once we return?” Victor asked, a little hope in his voice.   He needed more of Yuuri’s closeness, needing to put off sleep as long as he could.

 

Yuuri grinned.  “Of course.  Your wish is my command.”  He punctuated his words with a wink.  Victor dropped his chin even as he felt the blush creeping up. 

 

Victor settled in next to Yuuri in the onsen, resting his head on the other man’s shoulder.  “Are you okay, Victor?” Yuuri asked, sensing Victor’s need for closeness.

 

“The nights haven’t been friendly.  I’m starting to dread sleep…and then I keep interrupting yours.  I try to stay away but…well, I can’t seem to shake the nightmares on my own.”

 

Yuuri contemplated his words opening his mouth a couple times like he wanted to say something but then closing it, dropping his eyes.

 

“What is it?” Victor prompted.

 

Yuuri blushed.  “I just…why don’t you…you could just start in my room,” he finally finished, the blush deepening.

 

Victor’s lips parted in surprise.  “I…don’t want to invade your space,” he protested.

 

Yuuri tightened his arm around him.  “I want you in my space, Vitya.  In every way.  But I’ll take what you are willing to give me for now.”

 

“My sleep…it’s restless,” he whispered, worry wrinkling his brow.

 

“I know, Vitya.  I know.”

 

* * *

 

 

Victor still was undecided when he approached his room after the soak in the onsen, thoughts swirling in his head.   _ Am I ready for this?  I already go to him in the middle of the night.  I already stay by his side.  Starting out there…is it really any different?  A little…but he wants me there.  Am I ready?  _  Closing his eyes, he continued to process his thoughts.   _ He isn’t asking for sex.  He won’t force me into anything.  He won’t force me.  He won’t hurt me.  Yuuri…cares for me.  Not like Masha.  He’s not Masha.  He’s Yuuri and Yuuri is good to me.  He takes care of me.  He protects me.  He watches over me. _

 

Opening his eyes, he pulled out his sleep clothes and dressed with care.  He needed the barrier of clothes between them for this.  It was different in the onsen.  Sleeping, though, is more intimate.  He reached for his pillow and padded down the hall, Makka following on his heels. 

 

Reaching the door, he took a deep breath and then another before tapping lightly.  He heard Yuuri call him into the room.  Opening the door, he stepped inside.  Hovering by the door, he studied Yuuri, propped up on pillows, a book in hand, also dressed fully in pajamas.  Victor took another breath to shake off his anxious thoughts before turning and sliding the door shut. 

 

He took the first step forward, eyes on the floor, as Yuuri watched him thoughtfully, waiting.   _ Why is this so hard?  I come here every night. _  He took another step forward.  Fluttering his gaze up to Yuuri, he could see the tender invitation in his eyes.   _ I’m safe with Yuuri.  He would never hurt me. _   Then his steps gained speed and suddenly he ran into the other man’s arms. 

 

“Oh!” Yuuri started then wrapped Victor into his embrace.  Brushing kisses into his hair.  “It’s okay, Vitya,” he soothed.  “It’s okay.  You’re…home.”  Victor fell apart in Yuuri’s embrace, sobs shaking his body.  “It’s okay,” Yuuri continued to sooth running his hands in circles on Victor’s back as Victor curled into his arms.  “It’s okay.”

 

Finally, Victor drew himself up, eyes red.   “I-I want to be here.  I-I don’t know why this is hard.”

 

Yuuri smiled tenderly.  “As long as this is where you want to be.  I wasn’t trying to pressure you.”

 

“You weren’t,” Victor murmured.  “I think I’m just…overwhelmed.”

 

“That’s something I understand.  Take your time to adjust, Vitya.  We have plenty of time.”  Yuuri’s closest hand ran up and down Victor’s arm reassuringly. 

 

Victor finally nodded, putting his pillow into place.  He curled on his side facing the opposite direction.  Yuuri reached over and shut off the light, curling around him from behind.  Victor felt himself melt into Yuuri’s embrace. 

 

During the night, Victor grew restless from his nightmares.  Yuuri raised up on his elbow and whispered soothing words in his ear even as he caressed circles into Victor’s skin.  The other man turned towards him, settling under his chin to sleep peacefully once more.   Yuuri brushed a kiss into his hair. “I’ll watch over you,  _ anata _ ,” he whispered.  “You are no longer lost.  I’ve got you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me all the love! ;)
> 
> Rough week but your comments are the highlight of my week. Thank you so much.


	14. Lullaby for a Stormy Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masha makes an attempt to reach Victor. There are several quick scene switches because of the change in action and points of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates! This chapter need all the love you bestowed on it.
> 
> Yes. I am impatient. I wanted to share all the words with you! 
> 
> Kudos, comments, and shares are love!

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Lullaby for a Stormy Night](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCktyjCosHE)

 

 

Victor fought against leaving the last dredges of sleep as his phone vibrated next to his head.  Over the last week he had become a permanent resident in Yuuri’s room, enjoying the comforting warmth and presence the Japanese man gave him to willingly.  It still amazed him that Yuuri accepted what Victor was able to give him with no pressure to move beyond his comfort zone.

 

The phone buzzed again, sounding almost more insistent, demanding his attention.  Victor opened his eyes and glared at the offending object plugged up on his side of the bed.   _His side_.  Reaching for his phone, Victor rolled over to run his eyes across Yuuri’s sleeping form.  He smiled at the sweet expression, watching as Yuuri wrinkled his nose and fisted his hand next to his face as Victor’s movement brought a brush of his silver hair across that face.  Sighing, he looked at the phone that buzzed yet another time.

 

 _Yakov_.

 

Victor’s eyes widened, now fully alert.  His startle must have roused Yuuri because he could feel the other man sit up, reaching from behind him as Victor answered the call.  Victor slipped back into Russian as he addressed his old coach.  “ _Allo_?”

 

_“Vitya!  Thank God you’re okay.”_

 

_“What’s wrong, Yakov?”_

 

_“I arranged for a friend to keep an eye on Mikhail’s movements.  He just reported to me that the man has slipped out of the country.  I don’t think he used his own visa.”_

 

_“How long?”_

 

_“Several hours ago.  Are you still with Katsuki?”_

 

 _“Da.  He’s right here.  Hold on while I tell him what is going on.”_  Victor muted the phone while he relayed the information to Yuuri.  Yuuri’s eyes widened, quite awake at this point.  Yuuri grabbed his phone and began firing off several encrypted messages.  Victor turned his attention back to his coach and switching to English,  “Yakov, he’s finding out what is happening on this end.  Do we have any idea what name he might be traveling under?”

 

“нет!  That would be too easy.”

 

“ _Da_.  Let me know if you learn something new.  I’m going to find out what Yuuri’s working on.”

 

“Let me know you are safe.”

 

“I’ll text you before I go to bed.”

 

“That will work.  Be careful, Vitya.”

 

“Of course.”  He disconnected the call and turned to Yuuri, not nearly as calm in person as he conveyed over the phone.  “Yuuri…”

 

“I know.  I’ve got Phichit looking for an electronic trail.  I’ve alerted our security and Grandfather.”

 

Victor nodded wrapping his arms around the other man to ground himself in the support and comfort Yuuri offered.  Resting his head under Yuuri’s chin, he felt the other man’s hand soothing him with caresses down his back.  

 

He didn’t realize he was trembling until Yuuri tightened his arms, whispering reassurances.   Victor took Yuuri’s hand and covered it with his own, bringing the fingers up to his lips and brushing a kiss over them before settling it against his heart.  They remained tangled up in one another, comforting each other in their embraces, as the morning light cast its waking stretches across the room.

 

They stayed in that day.  Yuuri had his laptop open looking for aliases and any other information that could help them find out Masha’s activities.  Victor spent his nervous energy by pacing around the house restlessly, breaking to occasionally curl up around Yuuri, uncertain.  As hard as Yuuri tried to reassure him Victor found it difficult  to hold onto the sense of safety.

 

A call came through on a secured line and Victor received his first glance at Phichit since competition.  “Hey, Yuuri.  Victor.  So, about this Mikhail Volkov.  I’m finding a number of shady connections.”

 

“Yeah, Grandfather said he was involved with the Bratva.  Grandfather sometimes has to pull on some of those connections through certain business dealings of his own.  Volkov isn’t as well connected as he thinks.  That will work in our favor.”

 

“Or it could make him a loose cannon,” Phichit pointed out. “If he was important he would have to behave himself, as a nobody he can go unnoticed.”

 

Yuuri felt Victor tightened his hold and watched the silver hair peek over his shoulder to stare at the tiny man on the screen.  He could feel the tremors in Victor through his back and knew the face was wide-eyed and ghostly white. Yuuri glared at Phichit.  “Not helping.”

 

“Sorry!  I didn’t think.  It will be fine, Victor.”

 

Victor’s hold on Yuuri remained tight letting Yuuri know Victor believed none of it.  Sighing, he continued his conversation with Phichit.  “I have quite a bit of information if I wanted to dox his ass but I don’t know if it would do any good.  I can tie up what resources he had, but only the ones that I can locate. He’s spread out.  I’m sure there are names that I haven’t uncovered.”

 

“Same.  Oh…what’s this?”

 

Yuuri narrowed his eyes in interest.  “What have you found?”

 

“Victor, what is your middle name?”

 

“I don’t have a patronymic name because my mother refused to acknowledge my father.”

 

“There is a Pavlov flying into Tokyo and connecting to Fukuoka.  That can’t be coincidence.”

 

“Pavlov…his mother was Pavlova before she married his father.  Katerina Pavlova.”

 

“I have a Georgi Pavlov.”

 

Victor considered the name for a moment.  “It’s…possible?  But I suppose anything is possible.  Yuuri, how can we be certain?”

 

Yuuri was tapping away at the keys.  The feed from a security feed appeared on screen in real time..  “This is the gate where he is set to arrive.  Now we just have to wait.” Yuuri shared the feed with Phichit, allowing his partner in international crime to help.

 

Victor remained draped over Yuuri’s shoulders as he watched the screen for signs of life.  The first plane to disembark was the wrong one.  They waited for the concourse to clear before the next plane arrived.  Victor studied the passengers as they came off the plane.  Somewhere half way through the group of passengers Yuuri felt Victor stiffen.  He pointed at a man walking briskly through a thinning crowd with determined focus.  “Masha.”

 

With a name, face, and arrival information, Yuuri transferred the data to Grandfather Katsuki and the security team leader in Hasetsu.  “Victor, are you okay?”

 

“He’s so close,” Victor murmured in a small voice.  Yuuri turned and could see the fear in the other man’s face.

 

“We haven’t lost this fight, Vitya,” Yuuri encouraged even as he slid his hand over Victor’s arm still wrapped around his shoulders.  “Don’t give up on me now.”

 

“I won’t, Yuuri.  I’m just…” Victor dropped his head against Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri leaned back into his embrace, grounding him with his presence.  Victor lowered his chin into the crook of his neck.

 

A clearing of Phichit’s throat from the screen reminded them they weren’t alone.  “It looks like he lands in Fukuoka at 8:30 this morning.”

 

Yuuri’s phone pinged. Reading it quickly he related, “Grandfather is sending people to meet him and if that fails, the train station will have an increase in security.”

 

“He might drive,” Victor pointed out.

 

Yuuri looked up with a small smile.  “There’s a small chance for that, but I had thought about that.  Our detail has been increased.”

 

“Should we stay home again?” Victor asked.

 

“Grandfather said to follow our normal routine.  He’s confident in the detail he has assigned to us,” Yuuri answered.

 

Victor quirked an eyebrow.  “Are they ready to run?”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “They better be or Grandfather will fire them on the spot.  Shall we get ready?”

 

Victor nodded, finally releasing Yuuri.  As he moved to the door, he watched Yuuri linger at the computer.  “I’ll see you in a few minutes?”

 

Yuuri smiled in agreement and nodded.  “I have a couple of phone calls to make then I’ll be out.”

 

Victor left the room, sliding the door shut behind him and Makka.  Gathering his clothes from the other room, he moved towards the shower glancing at Yuuri’s door as he passed by it.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri pursed his lips thoughtfully.  Phichit knew his best friend well enough to know something was pressing on his thoughts.  “What’s got you worried?” he pressed.

 

Yuuri shrugged with one shoulder.  “I can’t put my finger on it.  Something…feels off.”

 

“Then why not stay in,” Phichit argued.

 

“I don’t want to involve my family.  The walls here are thin and I’m not sure how this would impact the inn.” He paused and drew in a breath, “No, it’s best to head to the rink.  Even if he drives, we’ll arrive at the rink first.”

 

“Have you alerted Takeshi?”

 

“Yes.  Yuuko is keeping the girls at home.  He’s meeting us there.  He’s called for a few of his old hockey teammates to ‘help out with some maintenance at the rink’.”

 

“Nice.  A few extra hands could be useful in case of trouble.”

 

“I agree.  I just want to make sure he’s safe, Phichit.”

 

  
“I know. He…he means a great deal to you.”

 

Yuuri nodded wordlessly.

 

“We’ll do our best to watch out for him.  Don’t worry.  Trust in your team.”

 

Yuuri released a bitter laugh.  “You are asking me not to worry.  Have you forgotten who I am?”

 

“I suppose not.  I’ll update Chris.  Let me know you are okay once it’s all over.”

 

“I will.  Thank you.”

 

Victor had trouble focusing on the ice and after several failed jumps Yuuri banned him from jumps for the day.  “Focus on step sequences and spins.”  He heard the frustrated response from the other skater in reply but at least Victor listened to him.

 

The wait was unnerving.  Takeshi had men “working” near every entrance.  They were all shown a picture of the man they were blocking from entry but of course, any European would get their attention.  Within the rink itself approximately a dozen men assigned by Yuuri’s grandfather milled about the entrances on alert.  More men were assigned outside.  They blended in so well that Yuuri had to point them out to Victor who was worried that the security team had not arrived yet.  Unless someone was trained to spot them, and Yuuri hoped that Volkov wasn’t, they would be easily overlooked.

 

* * *

 

Mikhail was not expecting the security for certain.  He walked right up the steps to the rink and expected to enter much like he had in Russia with little resistance.  However, two men intercepted him before he reached the door.  “Mr. Volkov, I’m afraid you will have to go with us,” they pressed with authority.

 

Mikhail raised an eyebrow.  “I’m afraid you have the wrong man.”

 

“No, sir.  We have your photo.  Our orders are to intercept you and take you to Katsuki-sama.  Come.  This way.”  Mikhail made to protest further and then realized that he was surrounded by several more men.  Tightening his lips, he nodded stiffly, following them to the waiting car.

 

* * *

  


Yuuri was signaled to the side of the rink by one of the guards who spoke to him in Japanese.   _“Katsuki-san, we just received report that the mark has been apprehended and is being taken to your grandfather as we speak.”_

 

 _“Thank you,”_ Yuuri responded.   _“I’ll share the news with my skater.”_  Skating across the rink, he reached for Victor who skating distracted lazy circles.  Grabbing hold of his hands, Yuuri swung them around in a circle before settling in front of him.  “He’s been apprehended.  They will take him to Grandfather.”

 

Victor breathed a sigh of relief even as he pulled Yuuri into his space, resting his forehead on the other man’s shoulder.  Yuuri felt the tremble in Victor’s arms, as if the other man finally released the control he had been using to barely hold himself together.  “I…believed that it would be okay.  But a part of me…was still scared.”

 

“I know, Vitya,” Yuuri soothed, his hand sliding up and down the other skater’s arm.

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri and the older man held onto him, supporting him.  “I think…what scares me the most isn’t what he’ll do to me,” he confessed after a moment.  “I am scared about that…but I’m more scared of being…taken away from you.”

 

Yuuri’s breath hitched even as Victor pulled up.  Yuuri’s hands slid behind his neck and into his hair.  “ _Anata_ ,” he whispered softly.  “You mean too much for me.  He would not get you without a fight.”

 

Victor’s lips parted recognizing the intimate word he heard Yuuri’s parents express towards one another as the evening grew late, and the dam of tears broke even as he lowered his head to capture Yuuri’s lips in his own.  Tightening his arms, he deepened the kiss wanting more of Yuuri.  “I…I love you, Yuuri.”

 

“I love you, Vitya,” Yuuri returned tenderly.  “I never want to let you go.”

 

* * *

 

Mikhail was brought before the elderly man.  The younger man quickly assessed that it would not be in his best interests to underestimate the other.  The senior Japanese man’s posture spoke of power.  And if that didn’t hadn’t communicated Volkov’s position to himself clearly enough then the men that escorted him and the ones he spotted along the journey screamed it.  Katsuki Takehiko made it quite clear that Volkov's sphere of influence paled in comparison to his.

 

“Sit down, Volkov-san.” The older man indicated a pillow across from him.  Saki was placed before him.  “Have a drink.”

 

Mikhail didn’t dare turn it down.  Instead, he watched the Japanese man and followed his cues.

 

“Why are you here in my territory, Volkov-san?  Your family and I do not hold business together.”

 

“It’s personal, sir,” he responded, working hard to keep his voice respectful.

 

“Your personal business appears to affect my family.”

 

“I am here to speak with my fiancé.  He left without a word.”

 

“Perhaps…your fiancé is having second thoughts about the engagement.”

 

“Maybe but I haven’t seen him since he left.  Nor have I heard from him.  I just need to speak with him.”

 

“I’m afraid I cannot accommodate that request, Volkov-san.  Your fiancé has indicated to me that he has no wish to interact with you.  I would surmise that your answer is that the engagement is over.”

 

“If I could just speak with him, sir,” Volkov pushed.

 

The old man pursed his lips.  “That will not be an option.  I suggest that you leave Japan and avoid setting foot here again.  Your passport will be turned over to the consulate and as you entered this nation illegally using false identification, you will be deported.”

 

“Fine!” he answered, a note of irritation entering his voice.

 

“If you plan to approach them in their travels, I advise against it.  My arm stretches further than the borders of this nation, Volkov-san.  If you come near my family, Nikiforov-san included, you will be dealt a swift justice.  Am I clear?”

 

“Yes, sir.”  The younger man waited until he was dismissed.

 

Katsuki waved the men forward.  “Deal with him as arranged,” he ordered.  Volkov was escorted from his presence.

 

* * *

  


Victor struggled to relax as the evening progressed.  Too much had taken place.  The stress of the day teemed under the surface of Victor’s skin.  Yuuri held Victor as he soothed him with his touch, lightly running his fingers up and down his arms and back.  “It’s over.  He was personally escorted to the consulate and is being deported.”

 

“What if he…” Victor began.

 

Yuuri whispered for him, “Shhhh, don’t let your mind go there, Vitya.”

 

Victor, shaking, clung to him.  This day had been as frightening as the day he left.  However, this time he wasn’t alone.  Yuuri held onto him and never left his side, pulling on every resource the man had available.

 

“Come with me, Vitya,” Yuuri stated suddenly.  He led Victor over to a chair that sat before a mirror.  Victor had noticed it before and he could see the cosmetics for performances laid out along with a few hair accessories and brushes.  “For the Japanese, allowing someone to brush their hair is very intimate.  Will you…allow me?”

 

Victor nodded wordlessly.

 

Yuuri picked up the comb and started working the tangles that began forming on the end first.  He then moved the comb up sliding it down the whole length until it was smooth.  Victor watched his motions fascinated.  Trading the comb out, he picked up the brush and continued to brush Victor’s hair until it fell into a river of silver.  Victor felt…treasured.  “Your hair is so beautiful, Vitya,” he murmured.  “May I braid it?”

 

“Yes, please,” Victor answered mesmerized by Yuuri’s attention.

 

Yuuri began at the top, pulling a few pieces into three ropes.  After braiding them each together once, he began picking up more strands as he brought the braid down the center of Victor’s head.  Reaching the last of the extra pieces, he continued with a standard braid until he secured it with a hair tie.   Once finished, he placed his hands on Victor’s shoulder and watched him through the mirror.

 

“May I see it?” Victor asked, his voice a hushed whisper.

 

Yuuri nodded, handing him a mirror.  Victor turned around and looked at the precise braid that adorned his head.  “Yuuri, how did you learn this?”

 

Yuuri chuckled quietly.  “Yuuko would have me braid her hair before competition.  She said I was a natural at it.”

 

Victor lifted his hand and ran it over the braid, tactilely exploring the nuances of the turns and twists.  “Thank you,” he whispered.  He laid the mirror down on the table then lifted his eyes to Yuuri’s.  “For everything.”  Standing before Yuuri, he pulled the other man into his arms and lowered his lips.  As the kiss broke, he whispered, “I’ve never felt more loved than I have since I come to your side, Yuuri.  I didn’t…expect it coming here.  I just wanted a safe place.  I dared not hope…for more.”

 

“I want to be more than your safe place, Vitya.  I want to be your home,” Yuuri murmured in reply.

 

Victor tightened his embrace and brushed his lips over Yuuri’s once more.  “Careful,” he teased in whispers.  “I might think that is a marriage proposal.”

 

Yuuri’s smile was soft in reply, holding the other man close.


	15. Between the Raindrops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The after effects of Mikhail's visit...and some domestic love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for the edits to this. They are very much appreciated.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Between the Raindrops](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG6-bU6esKo)

 

Yuuri rolled over and brushed a kiss over Victor’s lips.  Moaning softly, Victor’s eyes fluttered open as he pulled Yuuri closer, demanding the kiss deepen.  When the kiss finally broke Yuuri pulled back and looked into his lover’s eyes with a tender expression.  “Good morning,  _ anata _ .”

 

Victor looked up with a delicate blush on his cheeks and a smile teasing his lips.  “ _ Lyubov moya _ ,” he answered, the words teasing his lips like an old friend.  “I don’t…think I’ve ever called anyone that.”

 

“What does it mean?”

 

“My love…I’ve never felt so warm and content.  I wish…you found me first.”  He sighed, a tinge of regret tensing his body. 

 

Yuuri dipped down and brushed his lips over Victor’s then rested his forehead against the other’s.  “I am yours,” he confirmed.  “I wish…I had had the courage to reach out to you when you first caught my eye.  I never imagined the hell you experienced due to my hesitation.”

 

“It’s not…” Victor drew a deep breath to settle the sob working up his throat.  “It’s not your fault.  I guess…it’s not mine either.  I was…lonely.  I wanted family.”

 

“I want to be your family, Vitya.  My family has already adopted you.”

 

Victor smiled even as a tear escaped the corner of his eye.  “I know,” he answered, his lip quivering.  “I feel so…grateful.  No one judged me; they just accepted me.”

 

“I’m glad you feel welcome.  I’ve brought friends to my home in the past but I think everyone sensed that this was different.” Yuuri tightened his jaw as he pushed forward, “this is completely different territory for me, Vitya.  I don’t know if you realize it.”

 

Victor studied him thoughtfully.  “You haven’t been in a relationship before?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “It’s hard for me to let someone get that close.”

 

Victor’s lips parted in surprise as his eyes took on a glassy tenderness, another tear slipping down his cheek.  “I-I don’t know what to say.”

 

“I want you as my family, too.  I want you to stay close to me.  I never want to let you go.”

 

Victor’s breath hitched and he had to swallow hard to keep the sob he been holding back from breaking loose.

“Yuuuuu-riii,” he drawled, his voice breaking in the middle even as another tear escaped.  His arm tightened around Yuuri as he rolled them over, leaning down to capture the brunette’s lips.  The kiss deepened as their eyes closed.  Yuuri tightened his arms around Victor, holding onto him wanting something he couldn’t quite put words to, the language unknown to him.

 

Victor broke the kiss, pulling back.  Yuuri could see Victor’s pupils blown out, his own desire pressing against the pajama pants.  Victor lifted out of his arms, blush teasing his cheeks.  “I think…I’m in limbo.  Caught between wanting you…and not quite ready.  A little longer please?”

 

Yuuri smiled indulgently, reaching out to touch Victor’s cheek.  “I’m not in a hurry, Vitya.  Take all the time you need.  I prefer to savor you.  Every wall you take down is like another gift.”

 

“Thank you,” he whispered.  “You don’t know how much this means to me.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri ran into the kitchen and snagged an apple, kissing his mother as she washed the dishes.  “Yuuri, where are you going?” his mother demanded. 

 

“I have to meet with Grandfather,” he answered in a rush before taking a bite of the apple.  “Victor isn’t feeling up to going out today.  Do you mind keeping an eye on him?”

 

“Of course not.  Vicchan should feel at home here.”

 

“He does, truly,  _ Okaasan _ .   So much happened yesterday that unsettled him.”

 

“That bad man did not get to him.  Your grandfather kept him safe for you.  It will be fine.”

 

“You knew.”

 

“Of course I knew.  Both your father and I knew.  This man…he’s the one that hurt Vicchan?  He’s the one that caused Vicchan to come to you?”

 

“Yes, Mama.  That man…he hurt both Victor’s body and his spirit.”

 

His mother nodded thoughtfully.  “It takes the spirit longer to heal.  You love him and that will help.”

 

“I-I do love him, Mama.” Yuuri blushed deeply and lowered his gaze.  He felt his mother’s warm hand on his cheek and looked into her eyes.

 

“You say that like it’s a confession…as if we didn’t already know.”  She chuckled, “ we knew this the day he arrived.  We could see how you looked at him.  It is very different from how you looked at Hikaru or Chris.”

 

“He deserves to be loved, to be cherished.  I will take care of him.”

 

“I know you will, my son.  He is in good hands.  He is held in a good heart.  It is good that he came here.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor came down the stairs a short time later.  Hiroko looked up and smiled a greeting.  “Come, Vicchan, you can help me cook today.”

 

“Oh, okay, Mama,” he answered slightly bewildered.

 

She chuckled in response.  “Today I make katsudon.  I show you how so that you can make it for Yuuri sometime.  It is his favorite.”

 

“I would like that,” he answered following her into the kitchen. 

 

She hummed as she started gathering the ingredients together, telling him about each item. 

 

“I might have to practice a few times before I can even attempt this on my own,” Victor commented a little overwhelmed.

 

“Then we’ll practice,” she answered.  “You make my son happy.  So I show you our family recipe.”

 

Victor smiled in the warmth of her acceptance.  “I’m honored.  Thank you.”

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri walked into his grandfather’s home, the walls wrapping around a courtyard that held a well-kept garden.  Yuuri wandered through the garden before approaching the open doors that led into a genkan.  Removing his shoes, he stepped into the living space and bowed before his grandfather. 

 

“Yuuri-san, please join me for tea.”  His grandfather was seated on a pillow next to a low-lying table, his posture relaxed, his dress traditional.

 

“Arigato, Sofu.” 

 

“Please, let’s be informal.  Tell me about your friend.”

 

Yuuri took a deep breath as he took the seat offered by his grandfather.  “He is better this morning.  Mikhail’s appearance scared Victor significantly.”

 

“I’ve discouraged him from returning to Japan and made it clear that he would not wish to approach either of you when you travel abroad.   However, I do not believe he will heed the suggestion.  Therefore, I will make sure I have six men traveling with you.”

 

“That is a great expense, Sofu.”

 

“It is my choice how I choose to attend to my finances.  I choose to protect my grandson and his…friend.”

 

Yuuri smiled softly.  “Perhaps…he is more than a friend.”

 

“I suspected as much.  Do not marry this man…”  He paused until Yuuri looked up to meet his eyes.  “Without my presence.  I want to see you happy, Yuuri-san.”

 

Yuuri blushed and smiled.  “I am happy.  And I wouldn’t dream of that day without you in it.”

 

“Very good.  I look forward to getting to know Victor-san better.  Next time bring him with you.”

 

“Of course, Sofu.”

 

* * *

 

Yuuri entered the kitchen and found Victor and his mother laughing as they prepared a meal.  He leaned against the doorpost enjoying the simple happiness of both his mother and the man he loved before eventually calling out “hello.”  They both looked up and smiled his direction and he would have been hard pressed to decide which one bestowed the most love his direction. 

 

“Yuuuriii!” Victor answered.  “Mama is showing me how to make katsudon!”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “That’s a rare treat.  She only does this for family.”

 

His mother popped a towel his direction.  “You!  Go!  Help your father!”

 

Laughing, he danced out of her reach.  “Yes, mama.  Whatever you say.”  With a wink, he disappeared back through the door.  He found his father in the garden.

 

“Yuuri, here are some clippers.” 

 

Yuuri began clipping the extra growth on the bushes.  “How are you today, Otasan?”

 

“I’m good as long as my house is peaceful.” The man’s face was obscured by the bush he was pruning, and Yuuri worried that he was upset.

 

“I’m sorry, Papa,” he whispered.

 

Toshiya shook his head and stopped his work to face his son.  “No.  If someone threatens a member of this family, we must be protect them.  You did the right thing and kept Vicchan safe.  Now peace has been restored.”

 

“Papa, I want to marry him.”

 

Toshiya reached his hand out and covered his son’s.  “Of course you do.  He’s a good boy.  He will make you happy.”

 

“If I can keep him safe…”  Yuuri furrowed his brow as a hidden fear came to surface.  He looked up to meet his father’s eyes.  “I have to keep him safe,” he whispered.

 

“If anyone can keep him safe, you can Yuuchan.”  He patted his son’s hand encouragingly.  “And my father will help.  I may not agree with how he makes his money but he loves his family.  He has never withdrawn his love from those who didn’t follow in his footsteps.”

 

“No, he has not.  Papa?  Is there a path somewhere in the middle?”

 

“Most walk somewhere in the middle.  And my father isn’t a bad man.  He holds onto an empire and sometimes has to cross lines.  However, he doesn’t deal in some of the darker paths.  He doesn’t barter in sex or drugs.  He avoids slavery.  These are more dishonorable and he refuses to sully his hands with such things.  I just choose a peaceful life free of the decisions important men, like him, must make.  I wanted the same for you.”

 

“I know, papa.  But…I think sometimes we must make decisions and use the resources we have to protect those who can’t protect themselves, regardless of where those resources come from.”

 

“You’ve always tried to protect others.  I remember when you brought that puppy home.  It had been abused and you couldn’t help but feel for it.  Then there was a little girl who was lost. You saw how scared she was and brought her to your mother and I. We helped find her mother.  One lost child after another.  I know…you don’t always use honorable methods, but you still choose an honorable path.”

 

“I try to, Papa.  Sometimes I worry that I go too far.”

 

“It is a risk you take for those you care about.  However, it is a risk we all must take if we dare to concern ourselves with others.  We may choose a different path, Yuuchan, but we both will risk to take care of those we love.  I will never fault you for that.”

 

* * *

 

 

Victor placed the dish before Yuuri, his eyes lit up with anticipation.  Yuuri took the chopsticks and teased Victor with a wink as the other man sat across from him.  “Did you enjoy your day off?”

 

“Yes.  I would have preferred to spend it with you but I had fun with your mother.  She dances while she cooks as well.”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “I come by it naturally.”  He gathered his bite together and dropped it on his tongue closing his eyes to savor the flavors.  “Very well done, Vitya.”

 

Victor beamed.  “Thank you!  I had quite a bit of help but Mama said she will show me several more times so I can learn it.”

 

“I am your willing guinea pig should you need a taste tester,” Yuuri volunteered.

 

“I’ll remember that.  I can cook several Russian dishes and some other things as well.  But I think…I’d like to help your mother and learn more Japanese cooking.”

 

“I’m glad to hear you are gaining interests outside of skating.  It’s a good sign that you are improving and growing more independent.”

 

“I feel…stronger, more hopeful.  And…with you, I am happy.”

 

“You make me happy, too,” Yuuri stated.  Looking around, though, he frowned.  “Have you seen Mari-neesan today?”

 

Victor shook his head.  “She’s been off to herself.  Is she okay?  I know she injured her hand.”

 

“I’m wondering about that as well.  Minako didn’t talk much about it when she brought her home but it’s not like Mari to hide like this.”

 

Victor shivered.  “I hope nobody intentionally hurt her.”

 

“If they did I’d hate to be in that guy’s shoes. She’ll kick his ass.  I don’t think…she’s dating anyone, however,” he said thoughtfully.

 

* * *

 

Victor curled up on the couch in Yuuri’s room as he dialed the number to talk to Yakov.  The phone in his hand was new, encrypted and provided by Yuuri’s grandfather.  He spent the last hour transferring all pertinent information from the burn phone before Yuuri took it and destroyed it.  “It is just safer if you are encrypted,” Yuuri insisted.  “You don’t have to switch phones but I’d feel better if you did.  Grandfather provides my phone as well.”

 

“Can I still call Russia?” Victor asked, a bit of apprehension tensed his shoulders.

 

Yuuri placed a reassuring hand over his.  “Yes.  You are not cut off.  Put in any information you need.  It just keeps others from using that call to track you down.”

 

So he spent the evening putting his new phone in order and texted Yakov with his new number.  Now, he waited for Yakov to pick up on the call.  As the old coach answered, Victor greeted him.  “Yakov?  It’s me, Victor.”

 

“Vitya, are you okay?”

 

“Yes, Yakov.  Yuuri’s grandfather wanted me to change phones.  He worried that the other one was not safe.”

 

“Of course.  I see.  Did he…did Mikhail show up?”

 

“Y-yes.  I didn’t see him.  They caught him before he got to me.  But…he was so close, Yakov.  Right outside the rink while I skated with Yuuri.”

 

“As long as you’re safe.”

 

“They handed him over to the consulate to be deported.”

 

“Vitya,” Yakov took a breath to ease into a difficult question, “will you be competing?”

 

“Yes…Yuuri and I have been working on my programs, Yakov.”

 

“Good, Vitya.  Keep fighting.  They have you skating in the Cup of China and the Rostelcom Cup.  You will be coming to Russia, Vitya.”

 

“Russia,” he deadpanned.  A knot began forming in his gut.

 

“Yes,” Yakov confirmed.  “I want you close to the family, Vitya.  We can protect you better if we are all looking out for you.  When you arrange to come to Russia, I want to coordinate it with you and Katsuki.  Do you understand?”

 

Victor nodded wordlessly at first then realized Yakov couldn’t see him.  “Of course.  I’ll tell Yuuri.”  He felt ill.  “Yakov, I must go now.  Can I call you later?  I know it’s early morning for you.”

 

“We’ll talk in a few days.”  Yakov was quiet for a moment before adding.  “Vitya, I know you are scared.  We will work together to keep you safe.  You have to trust us.  You can’t let him win.”

 

“Of course, Yakov.  I have to go now.  Good bye, Yakov.”  Victor lowered the phone as he stared at the opposite wall, eyes wide with fear.   _ How is Yuuri going to keep me safe in Russia?  _

 

Yuuri found Victor in a state of shock after his call.  Gently holding him and speaking softly, Yuuri was finally able get  out of Victor what he had learned.  “I think coordinating with Yakov is a great plan,” he reassured Victor.  “It will be fine.  Don’t worry.”

 

Victor looked up at him.  “I-I’m more than worried.  I’m terrified, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri wrapped his arms tighter around Victor.  “I’ve got you, Vitya.  But we can’t hide forever.  You know this.”

 

Victor nodded, wrapping his arms around himself even as he felt the protective embrace of his lover.  “I don’t know how to let go of this fear, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri brushed a kiss over his cheek, his chin, nose, lips.  Victor cried as Yuuri continued to love him.  He wept in the other man’s arms, trembling as he released what he could in the safety of Yuuri’s love.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry, Yuuri,” he murmured over and over between sobs.  “I know I can trust you but I can’t help but be afraid.”

 

“Vitya, love, it’s alright to be afraid.  I never asked you not to be.  I only ask that you lean on me as needed.  I am here for you.  Let me love you.   Let me care for you.”

 

Victor broke, the rest of his restraint buckling as he dropped into Yuuri’s embrace.  Yuuri guided him over to the bed where he wrapped him up lovingly.  He held onto the other man until his trembling stilled and his tears quieted, fingers carding through silver hair, soothing whispers fluttering over his skin, lips brushing against his forehead.  Victor rested with his ear against Yuuri’s heart, letting the rhythmic beat of the heart to continue to calm him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...there are some open questions here. I hope it will keep you interested in my absence. 
> 
> As always, I love the comments. Short on time, hit that kudos button. Knowing you are interested keeps me encouraged to write.


	16. Mad World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now we learn what happened to Mari.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobic talks.
> 
> Thank you, BluSkates, for the edits! I very much appreciate you.

* * *

  

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Mad World](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXtj4TkTvS4)

 

TRIGGER WARNING:  Homophobic talks.

 

 

Yuuri found his sister cleaning the baths struggling with the brushes as she favored her uninjured wrist.  “Here, Mari-neesan.  Let me do that.”  Yuuri took the scrub brush from her hand and took over the chore.  “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“Not really,” she deadpanned.

 

Yuuri nodded as he continued to scrub.  “Do I need to talk to Minako?” he pressed, his voice quiet but firm.

 

“Yuuchan, please.  Just let it go.” Mari glared into the emptied pool, avoiding Yuuri’s gaze.

 

“That implies there is something to let go.  Talk to me, oneesan.”

 

She sighed, drawing her knees up.  “They were calling you gay, Yuuri.”

 

“If you haven’t notice, I am gay, Mari-neesan,” he responded gently.

 

She let out a frustrated sigh at her brother’s willful aversion to the insult, “They said it…in a derogatory manner.”

 

Yuuri tilted his head to one side and sighed tenderly.  “Mari-neesan.  I’m long past the age where you need to fight my battles.”

 

“Yuuri, I couldn’t just stand by and let them say those things.”

 

“So you broke your wrist,” he stated flatly.

 

“It’s more of a sprain,” she stated, her voice plaintive.  “One of the guys grabbed my wrist and it…popped.”

 

“Mari-neesan,” Yuuri admonished quietly.  He hugged her close.  “Please.  Don’t fight these battles for me.  I am a gay man and I know the risks.”

 

“I hate this.  You shouldn’t be subjected to ignorant hate.”

 

“In some places it is worse,” he stated quietly.

 

“As in Russia,” Mari quickly pointed out.  “Promise me you won’t move there with him, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri’s jaw tightened.  “I-I don’t know where we will live.  We haven’t talked about the future.  We are still dealing with the present.”

 

“I know,” she stated, irritation threading her voice.  “I just worry about my little brother.”

 

“I am your little brother, Mari-neesan,” he began, tightening his lips, but leaving his voice still soft.  “But I’ve been a grown man for some time now.  Trust that I can take care of myself.”

 

Mari nodded, her expression not happy.  “I know you are a grown man, Yuuchan.  I know you’ve moved away from here before.  Detroit.  So far away.  And even the United States isn’t overly friendly towards gays.”

 

“It’s a small battle...and fighting it doesn’t change their mind, Mari.  You can’t fight all of them.  Sometimes the best course is to not engage until your hand is forced.  That’s all I’m asking.  I don’t want you hurt because of some bigot’s out of line words.”

 

She lowered her head, blinking back the emotion that threatened to spill out.  Tears weren’t her way.  Finally, she got herself in line.  Looking back up, she held his eyes, strong and steady.  “I will listen to you but if they make a move, I won’t stand back.  It’s not how I handle things.”

 

Yuuri chuckled softly.  “It is strange how much we are both like Sofu in different ways.”  His sister returned his smile.  She moved to take the brush but Yuuri shook his head.  “Let me finish this for you.  If you see Vitya, send him to me.  He’ll help.”

 

Yuuri watched his sister disappear through the showering room, with a sigh he pulled out his phone. There was one person who would settle this problem permanently.

 

Ten minutes later and the silver haired man came into the baths.  He spotted Yuuri and automatically went to pick up another brush to help clean.   “How is Mari?”

 

“She’s fine.  She…felt the need to defend me.”

 

“How? Why?”

 

“Because I’m gay.  Sometimes that’s all it takes.”

 

Victor stilled.  Yuuri looked in his direction and smiled reassuringly.  “It’s just words, Vitya.”

 

“But Mari was hurt. Words didn’t do that.”

 

“Yes.  I called Minako after she left and the incident was already reported to Grandfather.  I’m sure they had some corrective action.”

 

Victor scrubbed, staring at his hand, silently forming thoughts.  “Yuuri…in Russia, I tried…to become hetero.   I couldn’t stay with the few girls and the relationships would quickly stale.  I had no true interest in women beyond friendship.  When Mikhail came into my life, I…hated myself.  I was the thing people despised.  Not Yakov…or the other skaters.  But…I knew we had to be careful in Russia, it’s dangerous for...us.  That’s what made it so easy for Mikhail to get to me.  At first he…made me feel safe.  I found my self-worth through being wrapped up around him.  I was already broken before he moved into my life.”

 

“Your worth is not dependent on another, Vitya.  You are priceless.  I see this, I wish you did as well.”

 

“Thank you, Yuuri.  But sometimes…it’s easier to believe the worst in ourselves.  I…had no father.  I was told the lack of father was what made me have a _wicked predisposition towards homosexuality_.  That was the schoolmasters.  Yakov found out and took me out of regular school.  Of course, he shielded me from that, telling me that I needed more flexibility in my lessons.”

 

“How old were you when you realized you were gay?”

 

“I think…I started realizing it before my mother died but it was such a confusing time that I buried it.  It surfaced again around sixteen.  There was another boy, Ivan.  We were found together on school grounds.  I was the younger one…they sent him away.  I know he took the blame.”

 

“I wasn’t interested in sex but I realized I was interested in men more than women,” Yuuri murmured.  “I started talking with Hikaru and we…kissed.  That’s all.  It was enough for me to know…and him.  But something was missing.  We played with the idea of dating but it never happened.  Then his family found out.  They disowned him.  I couldn’t leave him in the streets so I brought him home although we had already split up.”

 

Victor considered those words.  “I think…I was Ivan’s Hikaru.  He took care of me although we couldn’t be together.  He took the blame.  I…hate that Mikhail got to me.  Then again, he made me accept that I was gay.”  Victor frowned as he looked towards Yuuri.  “He moved things fast, he was pushy right from the start. Not just sex, but insisting that I move in with him after only a few months. He didn’t start hurting me until around six months after we started dating.  It started as minor things.  He called it _rough sex_.  Then…it steadily got worse.  He had hurt me before, but the first time he hurt me in anger, I had lived with him only a year.  I…covered for him when Yakov asked me about the black eye.  After that, he kept things…under my clothes.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes studied him quietly, sadness for his lover’s pain.  “He has a skewed view of a submissive/dominant relationship.  I’m so sorry you were subjected to this, Vitya,” he added, reaching his hand out to slide it up Victor’s arm.

 

“I…didn’t have a choice.  I was forced to submit.  I don’t know, Yuuri.  I’m so confused about what is normal.”

 

“Normal…is subjective.  But it should be something both parties are comfortable with, something they both agree to be a part of.”

 

* * *

 

 

Victor stood before the gathering of reporters.  The announcement of the line up for the coming Grand Prix had prompted the press to come forward once more.  Victor took advantage of the Russian presence among the reporters to make his announcement of his theme.

 

“It seems for a long time that I let go of so much of myself.  This season my theme is _Reclaim_!  I will reclaim all that has been lost to me over the last few years.”  He felt Yuuri’s arm around him, reassuring and strong.  The other man was having a good day, his anxiety quiet.

 

“Mr. Nikiforov, many of us have the same question.  What is your relationship with Mr. Katsuki?”

 

They had anticipated questions about their relationship, even discussing how they would approach the press.  Now the moment was before them and Victor hesitated, studying the man next to him, spying the fondness within the brown eyes peering up towards him.  Yuuri left it Victor’s decision as to when and if they came out as a couple.  For now, Victor turned back to the press, a coy smile playing at his lips.  “Yuuri has helped me choreograph my programs this season and perfect some of my weaker skills.  In essence, he is standing in as my coach.  He will be traveling with me as I compete.”

 

Another reporter surged forward.  “Have you broken your relationship with Coach Feltsman?”

 

Victor was surprised at this question, shaking his head.  “No.  I’m still affiliated with Yakov.”

 

“Then we are confused,” another reporter interjected.  “Is Katsuki your coach or Feltsman?”

 

Yuuri stepped forward on this question.   “I am working in conjunction with Coach Feltsman while Victor is in Japan.  Since I have been so involved in the development of his programs, it was decided that I would travel with him during competition.”

 

“Mr. Katsuki, will you return to competition or are you retiring?”

 

Yuuri pursed his lips.  “I have not announced my retirement yet.”

 

“Mr. Katsuki, is it true that you and Mr. Nikiforov are in a personal relationship?”

 

Yuuri sighed.   It always came back to this.  “I believe that we’ve already stated clearly that we are friends.  So, yes.  Friendship is a personal relationship.”  Yuuri glanced towards Victor before adding, “Now, it’s time for my skater to return to the ice.  Good afternoon.”  With that dismissal, Yuuri turned as he guided Victor inside.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor settled into Yuuri’s arms as they enjoyed the relaxing heat of the hot springs.  After the press conference, Yuuri had pushed Victor through both programs and picked them each apart.  Victor spent the rest of the afternoon working on individual components.  Now, he lay back in Yuuri’s embrace as he allowed the soreness in his muscles to unknot.

 

Victor studied the steam rising off the surface of the pool in front of them.  “Yuuri?”

 

“Hmmm?” Yuuri hummed.

 

Victor turned in his embrace and brushed a kiss over the older man’s lips.  Yuuri opened his eyes and smiled.  “Mari will lecture us,” Yuuri warned teasingly.

 

“About what?” he asked with wide-eyed innocence.

 

“About the no sex in the onsen rule.  It’s a dreadful mess to clean up.”

 

Victor’s mouth fell open before he sputtered his protests.  “But we haven’t…not yet.”

 

Yuuri’s arms tightened around Victor, pulling him into a tighter embrace.  He teasingly brushed his lips over Victor’s, lightly dipping his tongue over the other man’s lips before parting them.  Victor moaned softly into the kiss even as his body started responding to the other man’s touch.

 

Victor’s eyes widened suddenly as he pushed back.  “N-no.”  He stood up and turned towards the door.

 

Yuuri watched him flee from his presence.  Two emotions warred with Yuuri.  One was regret, worried that he had spoiled something between them.  The other was relief.  Victor stood up to him.  He was ready to fight.  He didn’t know how this would translate into his bed.  However, Victor was gaining a greater sense of self as each day passed by.

 

_I love you, Vitya, and if you need to fight me, so be it.  I won’t force you.  I want you to know yourself.  So much was taken from you.  It’s time for you to take back._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! A day early. I had this backlogged and decided to post while mom ran some errands. Things should be back to normal starting tomorrow. Hope you like this chapter. 
> 
> Comments, Kudos, and Shares are love...send me some love! ;)


	17. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all…and this chapter is NSFW. ;) Enjoy…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for your brilliant edits!

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  FYI...this playlist needs to be refreshed as songs are out of order.  I'll try to get to that soon.

 

* * *

 

[ Slow Dancing in a Burning Room](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfFi4Q7ueA8)

 

 

Yuuri walked down the hall towards his room.  He didn’t expect to find Victor there but was still disappointed to be right.   Looking towards the end of the hall, he could see the closed door to his childhood room.  He hesitantly approached that door.  Touching the door lightly, he leaned his head against the door whispering, “I’m sorry.”  He wouldn’t intrude on the other man’s solitude.  He had to trust that he’d return to him when he was ready.

 

Returning to his room, he buried himself into his pillow allowing his own sadness, his own regret, his own anxious thoughts to settle around him.  He worried himself to sleep as his tears fell silently.

 

As the night deepened its embrace, Yuuri stirred as the mattress gave.  He fluttered his eyes open to see Victor bending over him, brushing his lips over Yuuri’s.  There was no hesitance in him as he deepened the kiss, his tongue urging Yuuri’s to open to him.  Yuuri slipped a hand up, sliding it up Victor’s side, tangling in Victor’s hair that still hung loose.  “Vitya,” he moaned as he felt the other man’s fingers slide over Yuuri’s bare torso.

 

“I can do this,” Victor whispered, his hand brushing over Yuuri’s semi-hard length through his boxers.

 

Yuuri held his eyes for a moment before stating, “Only if this is what you want.”

 

“I want…all of you,” Victor confessed breathlessly.  “I can’t, though.  Not yet.  Let me edge out my limits.  Let me blur these borders.”

 

Yuuri nodded wordlessly.  This man could do anything he wanted to Yuuri and he’d find the Japanese man would be his willing canvas.  He felt Victor’s hand reach down once more, fingers exploring him through the fabric.  Yuuri’s mouth opened as he watched the other man’s movements.

 

Victor looked up to catch his eyes watching him.  “Touch me,” he commanded in a whisper.

A switch flipped in Yuuri.  He reached for the other man, pulling him into a demanding kiss, feeling the other respond with equal hunger.  Yuuri turned them in the bed, laying Victor out before him.  The other man watched him breathlessly.  Yuuri kissed Victor, using his lips and tongue to express his want, his need, but mostly his love and reverence for this man.  His fingers touched Victor’s face lightly, his expression caressed him softly.  Victor swallowed, his breathing deepening as he lost himself in Yuuri’s attention.

 

Yuuri kissed the other man’s chin, trailing kisses back towards his ear.  Victor turned to give Yuuri greater access.  Yuuri could smell the scent Victor wore as he nibbled at Victor’s ear, a scent that made him think of chai tea with strong hints of cardamom.  Victor moaned softly as Yuuri began to move his kisses, teasing with just a hint of teeth down the side of Victor’s neck.

 

 _What am I doing?  What if I fuck up?_  Those thoughts tried to intrude but the man lying beneath him responded openly to every touch, every kiss.  He shoved those thoughts down down as  they tried to surface, refusing to allow anxiety to steal this moment from him.  He allowed instinct to guide him, watching Victor for any cues of discomfort.

 

Moving down Victor’s body, his kisses languidly explored Victor’s pulse point before dipping lower, tracing Victor’s clavicle with his tongue.  Victor’s breath caught at that movement, his fingers sliding up Yuuri’s back and into his hair.  Yuuri smiled to himself even as he dipped down.   _Would he like it if I touched his nipples?_  Yuuri slid a hand uncertainly up over the other man’s chest, reaching for the bud standing out against Victor’s pale skin, sliding two fingers on either side of it, rolling it between them.  Victor’s breath hitched, his hand knotting into Yuuri’s hair.

 

Turning his head he captured the other nipple between his lips, sucking it before circling it with his tongue.  Pulling back, he blowed lightly over the damp surface.  A moan escaped Victor’s lips, his fingers tightening their hold in Yuuri’s hair.  Yuuri found himself leaning in that grasp.  He wanted more of it.  Victor seemed to understand and pulled lightly at Yuuri’s hair and something in that action grounded him.  Yuuri lowered his head and suckled at Victor’s breast once more.

 

Breaking loose he kissed down the center of Victor’s chest and down his abdomen.  His tongue found Victor’s naval and curiously dipped into it before circling the edge.  Victor moaned, his hips bucking against Yuuri.  A smile touched Yuuri’s lips.  He knew what he wanted.  He wanted to taste this man, he wanted to know the most intimate of scents from him.

 

He reached for the elastic of Victor’s briefs looking up asking for unspoken permission.  The other man gave a wordless nod.  Yuuri slid his fingers along the elastic before freeing his lover from the confines of his last shred of clothes.  Victor watched him, waiting to see what Yuuri would do next, fingers holding onto the sheets on either side of him.  Yuuri settled in between Victor’s legs.  Holding the other man’s eyes he dipped down and breathed in Victor’s musk.  Yuuri brushed a kiss languidly over the swollen head, his tongue the last to depart the surface, tracing around the edge before sliding up the center to scoop up the precum.

 

Victor tightened his hold on the sheets, his back arching as his body tensed with need.  “Yuuri,” he moaned, his eyes half open.  Yuuri felt those long fingers return to his hair as he dipped down to slide his tongue along the length, his tongue tracing the path of the vein.  He felt those fingers tighten in his hair and he couldn’t help humming a soft moan against the surface of Victor’s skin.  His own hands slid up Victor’s thighs and grounded themselves on his hips.

 

Looking up to catch Victor’s eyes, he relished in the undone appearance of Victor as he lay disheveled propped up on the pillows watching him.  He loved that Victor watched his every move even if he was uncertain.  Victor’s responses provided the information he needed, encouraging him to continue.  He dipped down and slid his tongue back around the head before bobbing down to suck him in.

 

He didn’t go deep.   _I’ve never done this before_ .  He could feel the length triggering his gag reflex.   _Would this be enough?_  He wasn’t sure if he could take him deeper.  He continued the shallow bobbing, adding his hand to the lower portion of the shaft now slick with his saliva.  Victor’s moans seemed to tell him that he was fine.  He felt those fingers tighten in his hair then card through the strands briskly before grabbing hold once again.

 

Victor’s moans continued to course through, interrupted with murmurs of his name and Russian endearments.  Yuuri didn’t recognize many and wondered about the phrases Victor dropped.  Still, the words vibrated through him, causing him to moan in response sending vibrations along the shaft as he sucked it.  He felt a sharper tug on his hair followed by the words “Yuuri, I’m close.”

 

Yuuri continued his efforts.  He would taste this man, take all he would give to him.  He felt the man beneath him tense and then tasted the salty bitter release as it filled his mouth, swallowing it down as he continued to suck Victor as his orgasm continued to release in him.  Finally, he pulled up catching Victor’s eyes, seeing him tense nervously.  Smiling as he licked his lips, Yuuri watched the other man relax.    “What is that word you say?   _Vkusno_!”  He winked and Victor was all the sudden pulling Yuuri up to kiss him, hungrily seeking his affection.

 

As Victor held him close kissing him, Yuuri felt those fingers freeing him from his boxers.  Yuuri then found himself on his back and Victor reached for a bottle that he apparently brought from his room.  Squeezing the slick liquid into his hand, he used his other hand to finish removing Yuuri’s boxers.  He slid his slickened hand over the length, thumbing the head and spreading the precum over the surface.  Yuuri’s eyes half closed as he felt heat pooling in his gut.  “Vitya,” he whispered.  Victor kissed his lips before moving down to rest on his head on Yuuri’s heart.

 

Something told Yuuri that Victor needed this and he wrapped an arm around Victor resting his hand on the small of the other man’s back.  His other hand rested on Victor’s shoulder as that arm stretched down to pleasure him.  Yuuri kissed the top of Victor’s head even as the other man hid from him, unexpected shyness in his choice.  Yuuri traced patterns in Victor’s shoulder, rubbed circles in his back, adding more pressure as his pleasure built.  Soft moans slipped from his lips as he lost himself in the pleasure Victor created with his skilled touch.

 

He could feel his release building.  “I’m close,” he warned.  Victor nodded wordlessly, his head resting on Yuuri’s chest.  Yuuri’s eyes closed as he felt the tightening in his body, his release focusing on that single point of pleasure.  With a groan, he knew he was gone.  He felt his body come unhinged in the other man’s hand.

 

Victor lifted his head, shaking it.  Turning to Yuuri, the older man couldn’t help but chuckle in surprise.  Strings of cum covered his face.  Victor shifted uncomfortably, embarrassment blushing his cheeks.  “You look good in me,” Yuuri murmured to try to relax the other man, pulling him into a kiss.

 

Victor broke free and made a face.  “We definitely need to clean up.”  Victor dropped his head, some inner battle continuing in his thoughts.

 

They slipped from the sheets and peeked in the hall, listening for sounds below before streaking across to the bathroom.  Yuuri dampened a towel and turned to his lover to clean him up first.  He then turned his attention to himself, removing the signs of his release.  Victor shifted uncomfortably, his head lowered.  Yuuri didn’t like this, worried Victor did this out of some sense of obligation.  He reached for the other man and pulled him into his embrace.  “Are you okay?”

 

Victor said nothing at first, just resting on Yuuri’s shoulder.  “I-I’m sorry.  I-I couldn’t do what you did for me,” he finally confessed.  “H-he would hold me down there.”  Victor’s breathing became more rapid.  He stilled, trying to pull it under control.  Yuuri held onto him, running soothing circles up and down his back.  Finally, Victor found that calm, steadying breath.  Continuing in a small voice, he added, “I was afraid I’d f-freak out and ruin it all.”

 

Running his hands up and down Victor’s back, he considered the way Victor hid his face, the way he seemed almost humiliated when he raised his head.  Something didn’t set right with Yuuri.  Continuing to comfort the other man, Yuuri said,  “I never want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, Vitya.  I would never ask that of you.  I need you to tell me, though, if I’m crossing a line.  Because I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

Victor nodded, his head still buried in Yuuri’s shoulder and in the crook of his neck.  “You just...always end up giving me so much more than I’m able to give back to you in return.  I want to…I just…I can’t just yet.”

 

Yuuri stroked his fingers through Victor’s hair, untangling the ends.  “I only want you to love me…and to accept my love in return.  You express your love in so many ways.  I see it in the things you do for and with my family, the way you skate, the way you nestle in my arms at night, and mostly in the way you trust me.”

 

“But is it enough?”  Victor’s voice trembled as he pushed out the question uncertainly.

 

Yuuri tightened his arms around him.  “It’s funny because I wondered the same.  Am I enough?  Is what I do enough?  But I can tell you without hesitation, _you_ are enough, Vitya.  In everything you do, in every expression of love.  I know each one is a struggle and a gift.”  Releasing the other man, he lifted Victor’s chin and studied his eyes.  “I love you.  There is no condition to that.  There is no demand.  It just is.  I can’t help but to love you.  My heart demands it.”

 

“I…feel the same,” Victor murmured.  He chewed his lower lip a moment before continuing, studying the face of this amazing strong yet vulnerable man holding him. “It’s just…I’ve been through so much.  It is easier to hold onto fear and doubt.”

 

Yuuri ran his finger along Victor’s chin, his brown eyes staring intently into the other’s ocean blue eyes.  “I know.  We’ll get through this, past this.  But if you ever doubt, ask me.  I will tell you how much I love you.”

 

“Thank you.”  The words came out in a whisper even as Victor stepped back into his embrace, wrapping his arms around his chest.  This time, however, it didn’t feel to Victor as if he was hiding.  It felt as if he was coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there are some reactions here...let them out. Next chapter is ready to go and I'll post tonight or in the morning depending on my response level.


	18. Gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every action has an equal an opposite reaction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BluSkates, you are amazing...and I appreciate your suggestions and edits.
> 
> Now, as promised...the next chapter. Did I mention the angst coming into play?

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Gravity](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ULXgJ18xuY)

 

Yuuri pushed up out of his sheets, his anxiety spiking and the voices refusing to settle.  He turned to where Victor slept, still in his bed but curled up in a ball on the opposite side.  He reached out hesitantly then pulled his hand back not wishing to disturb him.  Besides, everything he was feeling was internal.   _ He doesn’t need to know I’m falling apart.  He has enough to deal with. _

 

He grabbed his clothes and slipped out of the room to shower.  As the water sheeted over him, Yuuri  started drowning under the weight of his anxiety.  The tears fell silently; his hands shook as he leaned against the wall of the shower.   _ Damn.  I thought this time we got it right. _  In frustration, he drew his fist in and threw a punch, pulling it just before it reached the wall.  He slid down the wall, his breathing becoming sharp and labored.  His sister must have been nearby…probably gathering laundry...

 

“Yuuri?” she asked, tapping the door.  “Are you alright?”  He heard the door open.

 

He forced his breathing to calm but he knew better than to hide it from her.  He pulled the curtain back and peered through the door.  “I think…I need to call Sasaki-sensei.  This…isn’t working.”

 

“Do you need me to make sure that you do?”  Mari’s eyes studied him sharply, a knowing wisdom of years with her brother settling over her.

 

Sighing, he knew the voices could crowd out the help he needed.  “Yes.  Please follow up.”

 

“I’m going to stay close,” she decided.  “I’ll clean up the upper floor until you’re out.”

 

“Victor is sleeping, oneesan,” he warned, glancing towards the bedroom door across the hall.

 

She nodded in acknowledgement.  “I’ll be quiet.  Finish up, Yuuchan.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri had his phone in hand as he wandered the meditation garden, lost in thought.  This was the main reason he took the season off.  He had to get his head in order if he wished to continue skating; the last season nearly broke him.  Sighing resignedly, he pulled his phone up and sent the call through.

 

“Sasaki-sensei’s office.”

 

“This is Katsuki Yuuri.  I-I think I need to come in today.  My meds are still not leveling out.”

 

There was a pause, then the receptionist came back.  “We have an opening at ten and at one.”

 

“I’ll take the early appointment.  Thank you.”

 

“We will see you then, Katsuki-san.”

 

Disconnecting the call, he considered his day.  He needed to visit his doctor.  As he reflected on the previous night, Yuuri realized he also needed to call Chris.  Entering the living space, he found his sister.  “I made that call.”

 

“Good,” she answered.  “Do you need me to go with you?”

 

He considered her words.  “No…but if you can keep Victor busy, I’d appreciate it.”

 

“I have errands to run for the inn.  I could use an extra pair of hands.”

 

“That sounds perfect.”  He pulled his thoughts inward.   _ I don’t want him to hear my call. _  “Oneesan?  I think I need to clean the attic this afternoon.”   

 

_ Clean the attic _ was code for private time, the siblings had set up this code years ago when Yuuri first brought home a friend.  She studied him thoughtfully.  “Should I be worried?”

 

“No,” he said quietly.  “I just need to make a call.  One I’d prefer Victor didn’t overhear.”

 

“Understood,” she answered quietly, thinking.  Victor started coming down the stairs a moment later.  Switching to English, she added, “I think I could use some more help this afternoon.  We’ve had an influx in guests and a large group arrives tomorrow.  Do you think I could borrow Victor for a few chores?”

 

“He needs a break from training today.  That would be fine,” he stated giving his sister an appreciative smile.  He turned to see Victor descending the last stair and approaching Yuuri and Mari.  “Good morning, Vitya.”

 

He smiled shyly moving into Yuuri’s space.  Yuuri pulled his lover in for an embrace as Victor seemed to need reassurance.  He stroked the younger man’s back and Victor dropped his head onto Yuuri’s shoulder.  Mari inched away from the display.

 

Victor pulled back, turning to Mari.  “You need my help?” he asked as if her words had just processed.

 

“Please.  I need to run some errands and then I’ve got to prepare the inn for a large number of guests.  Yuuri has other things that he has to take care of.  Would you mind?”

 

“I can help you.  I don’t mind at all.”  Victor smiled but it had a sad tinge.  As he disappeared into the kitchen, Mari looked to Yuuri with a raised eyebrow.

 

“I’m not sure…we, umm, took the next step in our relationship,” Yuuri said quietly. 

 

“I heard,” she stated wryly.

 

Yuuri blushed profusely.  “These damned, thin walls,” he cursed.  He heard his sister chuckle.  “I’m worried he wasn’t ready.  If he says something, will you let me know?”

 

She studied her brother thoughtfully.  “Only if he doesn’t pull me into his confidence.”

 

“Agreed,” Yuuri stated.

 

She placed a reassuring hand on her younger brother’s shoulder.  “I’ll tell you what I can, though.  If nothing more than to tell you we talked.”

 

Yuuri nodded in answer before they joined Victor in the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor trailed behind Mari at the third stop wondering why he was here.  Even with a hurt wrist, she seemed to have it under control.   _ Yuuri must be upset with me.  I fucked up last night.  He’s trying to figure out how to get rid of me.  _  Mari was saying something to the cashier in Japanese.  Victor allowed his thoughts to drift once more.   _ I don’t want to lose him.  I know I must have disappointed him.  I didn’t do what he wanted. _

 

He helped Mari load the next set of packages and they sat in the van while she ticked off the items on her list.  Victor chewed on his lip nervously.  “He’s mad at me, isn’t he?”

 

Mari looked up startled.  “No.  Why?”

 

“I’d…rather not say.  But he doesn’t want me around.”

 

Mari sighed, she put her phone down to give the slender Russian her full attention.  “You know my brother struggles with his anxiety.  Sometimes he needs time to reset his thoughts.  Give him time and a little space.”

 

“I caused…his anxiety?” Victor blanched and seemed to shrink into the seat.

 

“That’s  _ not _ what I said,” Mari stated, then caught herself and tried to make her tone more gentle.  “No one causes his anxiety.  Have you ever read  _ Alice in Wonderland _ ?”

 

Victor nodded.  “When I was a child.”

 

“When Yuuri’s thoughts are going off, it’s like falling down the rabbit hole.  He doesn’t know where it’s going to take him.  He prefers…to isolate himself.  That way he doesn’t hurt others.  If he is keeping you at arm’s length during an anxiety day, then he is afraid he’ll say something that will be taken wrong.  He…can be selfish…and brutal.  We’ve learned to give him a wide berth when he’s like this.  Just…wait for him to come to you.”

 

Victor considered her words but felt better.  “So, do you really need my help?”

 

“Actually, yes.  I was going to ask Yuuri and then realized he was having a bad day.  This works out for both of us.”

 

“Okay.  So what’s next?” Victor seemed to relax with her assurance.

 

“We will take these packages back to Mom, help her get them organized, then work through the laundry and the cleaning.  With that large party arriving tomorrow, we need to be ready.  The inn will be busy.”

 

“Okay…just tell me what to do.”

 

They worked companionably through the evening, however Victor couldn’t help but notice that Yuuri remained quite scarce.  Sighing, his heart felt heavy in spite of Mari’s reassurances.  With the chores behind him, he decided to take Makkachin out for a walk.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yuuri sat in the attic, his phone in hand.  He had texted Chris earlier while he waited to be called back to see the doctor.  The Facetime request finally went through and he heard Chris’s velvety greeting.  “Yuuri!”

 

“Hey, Chris.  How are you?”  Yuuri couldn’t help but smile with Chris’s bright affection.

 

“Things are great,” he shrugged.  “My program is coming together nicely.  I’ll send you some video later to look over.  Will you critique my step sequence?”

 

Yuuri nodded sharply.  “Of course.  I’d be glad to.”

 

“It’s strange knowing you won’t be competing.”  Chris sighed, his expression becoming wistful.

 

“I know.  I’m glad I took the time off, though.  You and I know that my old meds weren’t working.”  Yuuri’s face gave away his frustration.  “I started my third trial of the new drug combination this morning.  Too many thoughts were crowding in.”

 

The Swiss man frowned, his eyes narrowing critically as he studied his friend.  “ _ Mon dieu _ .  I hate that you have to go through this.”

 

Yuuri shrugged in reply.  “Last time, I pushed through the season while working it out.  It was impossible.  It was a miserable season.  I didn’t make it into the Final that year.”

 

“Hopefully we’ll see you back in action by World’s.”

 

“You’ll see me this season as well.  I’m supporting Victor.”

 

A smiled played across Chris’s lips.  “How is that going?”

 

Yuuri closed his eyes.  This was why he called.  “Do you remember when I found you?  When we became good friends?”

 

“I was in a bad state.  You helped me get it back together.”

 

“I’m glad…it’s just that, something is off.  With Victor.”  Gathering his thoughts, Yuuri asked, “Chris?  Can we keep this talk just between the two of us?”

 

Chris nodded solemnly.  “Of course.   What’s wrong?”

 

“We…became intimate last night,” Yuuri confessed, color starting to creep into his cheeks.

 

“What?!!  Yuuri!  No longer our innocent, boyish leader!”  The tease edged Chris’s voice but Yuuri could tell that he held it back knowing there was something more.

 

Yuuri blushed deeper but stuttered, “Something...felt off, Chris.  He was fine when I was…blowing him.  But…he seemed nervous after he…came.  Then, he hid as he…gave me a handjob.  The last part…”  Yuuri shifted awkwardly, uncertain if this was saying too much, uncertain if he had already said too much.  However, this part made him feel most uncomfortable and Chris listened intently without judgment.  “He purposefully had me come on his face, Chris.  If that’s his kink, then fine.  However, it was as if…he thought he deserved humiliation.  He was embarrassed.”

 

Chris thought about Yuuri’s words.  “Is Victor…submissive?”

 

“He certainly displays a lot of the tendencies.”

 

“This could be why he was targeted by Mikhail,” Chris pointed out.  “Abusers, as we well know, will seek out submissive victims because they are easier to control.  He’s likely been conditioned to humility.  It’s possible that Mikhail even withheld pleasure from him or punished him if he came without permission.  Have you encouraged him to seek counseling?”

 

“Not…yet,” Yuuri confessed.  “I’ve been working on gaining his trust.”

 

Chris nodded thoughtfully.  “Trust is good.  Overreliance is not so good.  Be careful.  It’s a fine line.” 

 

“I should have called you sooner.”  Yuuri pursed his lips, a hint of regret in his demeanor.

 

“You called when you were ready,” Chris reassured him.

 

Yuuri shrugged, guilt coming through his voice, “Yes, with your background, though, I should have leaned more on you.”

 

“We lean on you.  We’re here for you as well.”  Chris’s encouragement seemed to sooth Yuuri a little and he relaxed.

 

“Thank you, Chris.  I’ll encourage Victor to seek counseling.  I think…it’s time.”

 

“More than time.  And if that counselor doesn’t work out, make sure he follows through with the referral.  That was drilled into us during my undergrad program.  Refer.  Refer.  Refer.”

 

“Understood.  Have you thought about where you will specialize for your Masters?”

 

“Everyone thinks I’ll continue down the sports psychology line but I’m considering working with assault victims and sex therapy.”

 

“Can you maintain your distance?”

 

“Yes.  I wouldn’t be in this place if I didn’t have a friend pull me out of darkness.  And my experience in some of the less mainstream worlds of sexuality could give me an advantage.”

 

“What does Lawrence say to all this?”

 

Chris chuckled.  “Lawrie will give me whatever I desire.  He’s most permissive for a dom.”  His expression turned soft as he continued.  “We’ve talked about marriage.  He has shown me a much more healthy expression of my sexuality, Yuuri.  I am still me…but no one is taking advantage of me.”

 

“I’m glad, Chris.  I hope you never find yourself in that dark place.”

 

“I won’t.  I know better now.  Thank you, Yuuri.” 

 

Yuuri knew that  _ thank you _ went much deeper than the previous statement.  He smiled towards his friend.  “Hopefully, I can pull him from the darkness.”

 

“You will.  You can’t help it.  Besides…you’re in love with him.  It’s written all over your face.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened in surprise.  “How so?”

 

“You get all soft when you talk about him, or your eyes show you worry about him.  Everything screams your affections.”

 

Yuuri blushed as he studied the floor in front of him.  “I just…don’t want to hurt him.  He’s been through enough.”

 

“Get him into counseling…and make sure you take care of yourself.”

 

“I will…I do.  It will be…fine,” he answered. 

 

Chris grinned in response.  “Then I’ll bid you  _ adieu _ .  Trust your instincts, Yuuri.  They haven’t failed you yet.”

 

“Thank you, Chris.  I will.   _ Sayonara _ .”  Yuuri leaned back as he considered his friend’s words.  He knew Chris was right.   _ Now, how do I broach this with Victor? _

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yuuri found Victor on the beach watching Makkachin chase waves.  Dropping down next to him the other man leaned into his touch.  “Are you okay?” Victor asked tentatively.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I will be.  You?”

 

He thought about it before answering, “I will be.”  Staring at the ocean, he chewed his lip working on his courage.  “Yuuri?”

 

“Hmmm?”

 

Victor studied the sand in front of him.  “I…messed up, didn’t I?”

 

Yuuri looked towards Victor in surprise.  “Why do you think that?”

 

“I’m…not supposed to come until I have permission.”  Victor studied the sand intently, avoiding Yuuri’s eyes.  “I didn’t mean to…it’s just that your touch felt so good and it’s been so long.”

 

Yuuri pulled Victor into his embrace and tipped his chin up.  “I will not restrict your pleasure, Vitya.  I wanted you to come.  I don’t want you to…”  He broke off, not wanting to sound like a criticism.  “Vitya?  Do you…enjoy painting yourself?”

 

Victor dropped his eyes.  “N-not really.”

 

Yuuri reached out and stroked Victor’s hair before lifting his chin.  “I would prefer we not do that, then…because I could see part of you was upset.  I don’t like you to be upset.”

 

Victor crashed into his chest, tightening his hold.  “I told you I was messed up, Yuuri.”  Victor trembled in his embrace and he could feel the dampness soaking through his shirt from the younger man’s tears.

 

He began smoothing out Victor’s hair before pulling Victor back and positioning him so they could look into each other’s face.  Studying those deep blue eyes, he whispered softly, “You are not messed up.  But you’ve been through a lot…I’m sure you’ve been…forced to do things I can’t even imagine.  I want to help you through it all, Vitya, but I’m worried I don’t have the necessary skills.  I’m worried I will make things worse.”

 

The tremble in Victor’s lip almost undid Yuuri.  “What are you saying?” Victor asked tremulously.

 

Yuuri took a deep breath.  “I’d like…to introduce you to my psychiatrist.  But if I want you to trust me, I need to show you the same courtesy.”  He studied Victor’s expression, noting the other watched him cautiously.  “I took the season off…because my anxiety medications were not working.  I knew I’d have to go through a series of adjustments.  I could check myself into an inpatient facility but I preferred to come home and work with a doctor I’m familiar with.  I…just switched to my third series this morning.”

 

Victor’s eyes were formulating questions that he was afraid to ask.  Yuuri nodded, giving him permission.  “What…does your anxiety do?”

 

“Sometimes it’s just an endless stream of worries.  Nothing useful, mostly unfounded.  I’ve learned to sift through those and discount most of them.  Sometimes, though, those thoughts become something more monstrous.  It tells me things like ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘people don’t want to be bothered by me’, ‘I hurt those around me’…and that’s just a few I went through this morning.  It also gets really specific.  For example, this morning that voice was telling me that you only wanted to be with me out of obligation.”

 

Victor’s breath caught and he looked up in surprise.  “That’s what Mari meant when she said your anxiety can be brutal.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Unfortunately, that’s true.”

 

Victor turned in Yuuri’s arms and faced the ocean, the waves rolling in and licking the shore before pushing back out.  He didn’t say anything for a few minutes and Yuuri let the silence rest between them.  Finally, Victor spoke.  “It’s not true, you know.”

 

“What isn’t true?” Yuuri asked as he leaned forward, slipping his arms around the younger man’s waist.

 

“I am not with you out of obligation,” he murmured, his voice small in its uncertainty.  “I want to be with you.  I just don’t know…the right ways.  I’m so messed up.”

 

Yuuri tightened his embrace, brushing a kiss behind the ear of his lover.  “I don’t either.  Victor, I’ve never been intimate with anyone before you.  I think you should know this as well.”

 

Victor looked up at him startled.  “No one?  But me?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “It’s hard for me to let someone get close to me.  Except, with you, it was easy.  You wound up around my heart before I knew it.  I…am so afraid of hurting you.”

 

Victor leaned into his arms.  “You don’t hurt me.  I’m the one that hurts me.  I…don’t feel like I deserve you…deserve to be loved, even,” he confessed.

 

“It’s not your decision who I deem worthy of my love, Vitya,” Yuuri whispered, brushing a kiss against his lover’s temple.  “And I give it all to you.  I will mess up.  There will be days where you will think I’m a selfish jerk.  Some of those times we can blame on my anxiety.  However, I’ve been alone for twenty-seven years.  I’m sure I have some bad habits.”

 

“You have a good heart,” Victor defended, “and you didn’t hesitate to help me even though you didn’t know me.”

 

Yuuri tightened his embrace and rested his cheek against Victor’s head.  “I knew you,” he confessed quietly.  “I’ve watched you since you took gold in the junior division.  I’ve studied everything I could find on you.  And since you’ve come to Japan, you’ve opened up to me like a book allowing me to read some of your most intimate pages.  I knew you then…enough to know I wanted to more of you.  I’ve not been disappointed.”

 

“Even though…I messed up last night?”  There was a slight tremble in Victor’s voice.

 

“You did not mess up,” Yuuri quickly reassured him.  “I am inexperienced.  I failed to recognize that you needed more from me and for that I am truly sorry.  I never want you to feel humiliated, Vitya.  I want to protect you from that life.  I want to restore you.  I want to love you.”

 

Victor turned, and Yuuri could see the freely falling tears streaking down Victor’s cheeks.  “I want that, too.  I just don’t know…how to get there.”

 

Yuuri studied the man before him and decided to push once more for counseling.  “Will you let me introduce you to my psychiatrist?  If you find you aren’t comfortable with her, she’ll be able to refer you to someone else.”

 

Victor snuggled up into Yuuri’s neck.  “I’m scared.”

 

“I know, Vitya.  I won’t let you fall.  Trust me.”  Yuuri brushed kisses across Victor’s forehead.

 

Victor shifted back to look at him, his cheeks were tear-stained but hope seemed to reach his eyes once more.  “You, I trust, Yuuri.  Will you take me home?”

 

They walked back to the inn hand in hand while taking turns with Makkachin’s leash.  The lamps started lighting up one by one as the shadows lengthened. 

 

“Let me show you something,” Yuuri whispered secretively.  Yuuri guided Victor around the corner of the inn once they arrived and down a path.  They ended up in a field with tall grass.  

 

Victor looked around uncertainly then he saw it:  fireflies lighting up the field.  A soft smile touched his lips.  _  Of course, Yuuri would share something like this at the end of an uncertain day.  _

 

Yuuri pulled Victor to stand in front of him, the uneven terrain working to their advantage, giving Yuuri the extra height he needed.  “This is what your life will be like from now on,” Yuuri murmured next to his ear.  “One light after another will glow because of your presence.  I want to bear witness to that, Vitya.  I want to see you shine.”

 

Victor snuggled into his embrace.  “Sometimes these things seem impossible.  But then…I see them through your eyes and I start to believe.”

 

Yuuri brushed a kiss in that sensitive place behind Victor’s ear.  “I want you to believe.  We may fall hard and hit the ground, but it is possible to defy gravity if only for a moment.  I want to see you fly, to light up the night sky with your own story.”

 

Victor turned in Yuuri’s embrace, reaching for the older man’s lips.  Yuuri smiled even as he met the other’s kiss, gentle repeated pecks as they enjoyed each other in the softness of the evening.  Victor leaned into Yuuri’s embrace.  “Everything seems so out of reach…then I’m with you and it’s like you reach out and pull it down for me.  Why…do you care so much?  Why did you even look twice?  So many have looked past me over the years.  I felt…invisible.”

 

“I choose to care,” Yuuri stated simply.  “I have never been able to simply turn away when I see someone in pain.  But besides that…I’m drawn to you.  You are...stunning.  Breathtaking.  And sometimes…I wonder if I failed  _ you _ , Vitya.  If I had the courage to speak to you when I saw you all those years ago…but I was afraid.  I didn’t…and you suffered for it.”   He looked across the field, sadness covering his countenance.

 

“You’re here now,” he whispered, resting in Yuuri’s embrace.  “That’s the important part.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well? What do you think?
> 
> Comments, kudos, and share are welcome and encouraged. Enjoy!


	19. Inner Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Healing often leads us to face some of our inner demons...sometimes we have to open a wound up to air, to lance it and allow the poisons a chance to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for your attention to this chapter. 
> 
> I hope the rest of you enjoy this and for those who read Lifeline, you'll see some familiar names. ;)

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Inner Demons ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gydcChFnzQ)

 

 

Victor held onto Yuuri’s hand as they stepped onto the train.  He could see the bodyguards that followed them, stepping into the crowd and blending in. Two women and four men.  It didn’t settle his nerves, however.  This would be the first time he left Hasetsu since he had arrived and it felt like he passing beyond  a wall of safety.  Tightening his hold on Yuuri, he found the other man’s arm wrapping around his waist reassuringly.

 

Fukuoka.  Victor flew into this city when he escaped Ma-Mikhail.  This was where Yuuri went for counseling and treatment.  When he called to make the appointment with his psychiatrist Sasaki, she immediately referred them to a therapist more specialized in Victor’s struggles.

 

_Dr. Hashimoto.  Psychotherapist specializing in relationship and sex therapy._

 

_Sex therapy.  Do I need a sex therapist?  Am I…dysfunctional?_

 

When Yuuri told him his therapist’s recommendation, Victor nearly backed out.  Except.  He still felt broken.  He still struggled with intimacy.  He could receive what Yuuri offered him.  But then he felt guilty.  Because giving was hard for him.  It wasn’t like Yuuri demanded it from him.  Yuuri knew it upset him.  Yuuri would hold him after.  And Victor…cried.  Every time.  Shaking in Yuuri’s arms.  Coming apart at the seams.

 

He clung to Yuuri as they exited the train and felt Yuuri guide him into a subway system, which would deliver them to their next stop.  Victor glanced around, inadvertently catching the eye of one of the men guarding them.   _They’ll know.  They’ll know something is wrong with me.  I’m broken.  What if I can’t be fixed?_ Victor felt his ears begin to burn with embarrassment but he locked his eyes on the floor and pushed the feeling down.

 

Yuuri opened the glass door, squeezing Victor’s hand reassuringly as he led him inside.  The elevator carried them up to the tenth floor.  Four of the six guards rode up with them while the other two positioned themselves downstairs to watch the building’s only entrance.

 

They stepped off the elevator and the guards stayed in the hallway.  Victor focused on the door they came before.   _Did it say the doctor was a sex therapist?_  Victor wanted to ask Yuuri.  He tightened his hold on Yuuri as the brunette led him inside.  The door closed behind them.  Another door separated them from a reception area, Victor could feel the finality of where they were going creeping up on him.

 

Yuuri, sensing the apprehension, turned towards him.  “What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

 

Victor chewed his lip.  He looked back through the glass door to the sign.  “What does it say?” he whispered, touching the back side of the sign.

 

“It says Hashimoto and Associates, Psychiatric Services.”

 

“It doesn’t say…what kind of services?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “As far as anyone is concerned, it is no different than when I go see Sasaki-sensei.  Hashimoto-sensei works hard to protect his clients’ confidentiality.  I had him checked out before I made the appointment.  His reputation is impeccable.  Do you…trust me?”

 

“Yes,” Victor answered without hesitation.  He loosened his hold on Yuuri’s arm and slid his hand down to take hold of Yuuri’s hand, entwining their fingers.  Yuuri gave it another squeeze.

 

“Hashimoto-sensei stated when I made the appointment that it was at your discretion whether I leave or stay.  At least for this first appointment.”

 

“Will you…stay?” Victor asked a little too quickly, his nerves spilling out around him.

 

“Yes.  Whatever you need, Vitya.”  He lifted his chin and brushed a kiss against Victor’s cheek, adding, “I’m here for you, _anata_.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

* * *

  

Hashimoto greeted them, Victor noticed the man was tall and slim, with brown eyes darker than Yuuri’s but still warm.  “Come in, gentlemen,” the doctor invited them, slipping easily into flawless English although Victor realized that it held a different inflection than Yuuri’s English.

 

Yuuri did as well because he asked, “Where did you study?”

 

The other man chuckled.  “Cambridge.  I met my partner there and he came back to join me here in Japan.  And you?”

 

“Detroit, Michigan.  In the States.  It was near my coach.”

 

“My partner follows figure skating.  I want to be honest and admit that I know your faces.”  Hashimoto spread his hands out, palms up, showing all of his proverbial cards.

 

“I can trust our confidentiality will be maintained even at home?” Yuuri stated.

 

Hashimoto nodded.  “Of course.  My partner knows not to ask about my work.  He’s a business analyst so our professional lives are maintained separate from our home life. And we have two small children, it’s rather easy to have to focus on home life.”

 

“Thank you.  I’m sure you understand.  We are familiar with loss of privacy and cling to what we can.”

 

“Of course, Katsuki-san,” he reassured him.

 

Yuuri smiled and bowed before holding out his hand in a western manner.  “Please, call me Yuuri.  This is my…partner, Victor Nikiforov.”

 

“Victor, please,” the silver haired beauty greeted the therapist.  He was striking and ethereal.  

 

Hashimoto shook the long fingered hand that took his.  The handshake was firm.  Solid.   _He has an inner strength,_ the doctor remarked to himself.

 

“Shall we sit?” Hashimoto asked, guiding them to a casual seating area.  “Would you like tea?”

 

Victor looked to Yuuri to take his cues.  Yuuri graciously accepted the offer.  Soon, the service was placed before them, the tea steeping.  Fear flitted through the blue eyes and he constantly looked to Yuuri for reassurance.  The doctor noticed and read the signs from Victor’s behavior. _Something has shaken this man, made him uncertain, stripped away his assurance.  But not completely.  The thin thread of it could be found deep within.  It was something to build upon._

 

“Why don’t we get to know one another?” Hashimoto offered as he handed the other two men cups of tea.  “Victor?  First of all, I need to be certain you wish to have your partner present.”

 

“Y-yes,” the silver haired man answered tightening his hand around Yuuri’s.  “At least…for now.”

 

Hashimoto nodded.  “What brings you to my office?”

 

Victor stared at his teacup still holding tightly onto Yuuri’s hand.  “I…was in an abusive relationship.  For three years.  I don’t know…how to properly relate…to my partner…sexually.”

 

Hashimoto tilted his head thoughtfully and took a sip of tea.  “What do you mean by ‘properly’?”

 

“I do things…that sometimes are…hum…”  Victor flicked his eyes to Yuuri, tears definitely edging those lower lashes.  “I punish myself because I don’t think I should allow myself pleasure.”

 

Hashimoto took a deep sigh.  “Is this something your previous partner taught you?”

 

“He would…deny me…orgasm…and punish me if I came without permission.  He said…this was my lot.  That submissive men and women do not want pleasure.  That we only respond to pain.”

 

“Was he physically abusive as well as verbally and sexually?”

 

Victor nodded.  No hesitation in that answer.

 

Hashimoto dug through his strategies as he considered his next question, covering his pause with another sip of tea.   “Do you identify as a submissive, Victor?  Or is this something you’ve been taught?”

 

“I-I don’t know,” the silver haired man confessed.  “But…If I am, then I don’t think I’ve been taught right.  I don’t think…I know I don’t like pain.  I…kn-now I don’t like hu-humiliation.  I just…don’t know how to stop doing the things that he trained into me.”

 

Hashimoto nodded sharply as he sat his cup down.  “Yuuri, are you a dominant?”

 

“It is not…something I require out of a relationship.  I want Victor to be comfortable in his own skin.  I will meet him halfway, where he needs.”

 

“So…that’s a yes, at least in tendency.” The doctor was able to see and understand Yuuri’s need to protect and lead, even if Yuuri didn’t fully understand them himself.

 

“Taking control comes easy to me but I only do so when necessary.  I’m cautious not to abuse it.”

 

Hashimoto turned his gaze towards Victor.  “I would like to see you twice a week, Victor.  I suspect you will have strong PTSD symptoms as we delve deeper.  Yuuri is welcome to join you but I want to see you once a week on your own.  Sometimes we hold back when our partner is present.  We are afraid of them seeing the ugliness in our world.”

 

Victor shifted his eyes from one man to the other before resting them on the floor before him.  “So…I _am_ broken,” he whispered.

 

Hashimoto considered that term before answering, “I don’t believe broken is the best term.  You have been conditioned to develop certain behaviors.  We will need to unravel them to help you find your true self, your true tendencies, your true preferences.  When your partner found you, how old were you?”

 

“Nineteen.”

 

“And what kind of family involvement did you have at that point?”

 

“My mother passed away when I was fourteen.  I was raised by my coach but I lived alone in the dorms at that point.”  Victor shrugged and laughed, his eyes fluttering around the room.  “Well, I had Makkachin, my poodle.”

 

Hashimoto’s lips twitched but then he redirected Victor away from Makkachin, wanting to dig deeper.  “Where were you emotionally?”

 

Victor lowered his eyes.  “Alone.”

 

Hashimoto pursed his lips and nodded sharply.  “You were primed for someone with sadistic tendencies to take you in.  He likely moved fast.”

 

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise.  “Very fast,” he started talking and then the words just tumbled out of him as if Hashimoto turned a key to unlock him.  “I was living with him and then…it all started.  I didn’t have any experience really.  Very limited.  A couple of girls when I tried to force myself to be straight.   When we first…our first few times were okay.  He made me completely dependent on him, though.  Then…then came the rough sex.  I didn’t feel comfortable with it but he said it takes time.  He said everyone goes through this.  It was _normal_ .  I wanted _normal_.  Then, he started doing other things.  Things that hurt me.  Little things at first.  He pulled my hair.  He…spanked me.  I don’t like that.  And then he got really violent. He hit me. He burned me.  He...cut me.  He seemed to enjoy my pain.  Why did I stay?  Why didn’t I just leave?”  Tears streamed down his cheeks as he ripped through it all like jerking a bandage off of a wound.

 

Yuuri took one hand and held it between two of his.  Hashimoto took the other.  Victor looked from one to the other, his eyes wide, lost and in need of answers.  Hashimoto’s voice was quiet, grounding, as he offered something for the blonde to hold onto.  “You said it at the beginning.  He made you completely dependent on him.  You were likely in shock or denial to begin with.  From there, you moved into the bargaining stage, trying to reason with your abuser.  He likely gave just enough to keep you in check.  Anger often comes next.  You may have even misdirected that towards yourself, blaming yourself for your situation, convincing yourself that you deserved what you received.  After that usually comes depression.  Sometimes that can take a hopeless turn that leads to self-harm.  If you reach the fifth stage, you can make a move.  You have to accept your situation.  Tell me about your last few months before you left.”

 

“I was at the Grand Prix Final.  Yuuri discovered my injured wrist.  He forced me to see a medic then followed up with me later at the banquet.  He…was so kind to me.  I hadn’t experienced that since I lost my mother.  It made me realize everything was wrong with my current relationship.  I wanted out.  But I was scared.  He had so much power.  So, I started putting together an escape plan.  The night I left, he had broken my ribs.  I-I had enough.  I saw a video where Yuuri skated my program and I remembered he offered me a way out.  So I left…and I ran to Yuuri.  I knew it was a risk.  I barely knew Yuuri.  But…staying with Mikhail, or even in Russia, seemed the greater risk.  So I left.  And Yuuri took me in when I arrived; he took care of me.”

 

Hashimoto looked sharply towards Yuuri and then back to Victor.  “There are really good things that has happened along the way as you escaped.  There are some things, though, that concern me.”

 

“Like what?” Victor asked, his eyes wide.

 

“Victor, you’re still very dependent on your partner.  You haven’t changed that, you’ve merely changed partners.  Yuuri, you seem to want what is best for Victor.  Would you be willing to give him up if that was the case?”

 

Yuuri studied Victor and a myriad of emotions crossed over his expression before he nodded.  “If I am hindering him or if he no longer wished me to be in his life, I would let him go.  That doesn’t negate how I feel about him.  I…love him enough to let him go.”

 

“I’m not suggesting that this is the path.  But, Victor, you want normal.  You stress the word when you talk about it.  So in your own mind, you don’t have it.  Normal isn’t the same for everyone but it is hard to achieve if you are encompassed by another.  You need independence.  Right now, you have codependence.  Do you want normal?  At any cost?”

 

Victor tightened his hold on Yuuri’s hand.  His expression looked as if he was fighting an inner war.  “I…don’t want to give up Yuuri.  I love Yuuri.”  He grew silent, studying the floor before him.  Then he slowly released Yuuri’s hand and lifted his eyes.  “I do want to be me, whatever that me may be.  I…haven’t truly been happy since my mother passed away.  I’m most at peace on the ice.  Yuuri settles me and makes me feel safe.  Does that make it bad? The way I feel?”

 

“You moved quickly from one relationship to another and that could be transference.  However, it could be sincere.  I’m not discounting your emotions, Victor.  However, you need to know yourself better before you know for sure how you feel.  You need to work through your pain.”

 

“Do I have to work through it…alone?”

 

Hashimoto closed his eyes thoughtfully before opening them and holding the young man’s eyes.  “No, you do not.  And it’s good that you don’t have to walk this path alone.  Yuuri?  Weigh in.”

 

Yuuri focused his eyes on Victor before answering.  “I’ve never chosen to let anyone in this closely although I have a number of friends.  I’ve never been intimate with anyone.  I…wanted to meet Victor and know him better when I first saw him but he was eighteen and I worried he was too young.  I regret not making that move.  I didn’t know…that he needed me back then.  I worry now that my hesitance caused him to fall into Mikhail’s clutches.  I…want Victor in my life.  However, I want what is best for Victor more.  I want Victor to be comfortable in his own skin.”

 

“If I am understanding you correctly, you would like to see him independent as well.”

 

“Yes.  And to love himself.”

 

Hashimoto could feel a smile slip softly to the surface.   _This man truly loves the younger one._  “Two days a week.  You come one and then Victor comes alone to the other.”

 

“I see Sasaki on Tuesdays at ten,” Yuuri supplied.

 

Hashimoto checked his schedule.  “I can work with that.  Mornings are pretty open for me.  Nine-thirty on Tuesdays?  And how about ten-thirty on Fridays for the two of you?”

 

Yuuri pulled out his phone and entered the times.  “We can work with that until competition season.  That schedule could cause us to miss a few appointments.”

 

“We can work around competitions.  Now, I like to send my clients with some homework.  So, for now get in the habit of journaling.  Not just an accounting of what you do but the emotions.  Given the nature of this therapy, it would be good to include bedroom talks.  You do not have to share your journals with me but I suggest you bring them.  Sometimes it gives you the structure you need to talk with me.”

 

“Thank you,” Yuuri murmured, bowing his head.  Victor watched Yuuri and then followed suit.

 

“I will see you on Tuesday, Victor.  Please pick up my card from the receptionist on your way out in case you need to call.  I encourage my clients to call if they go into crisis.  After hours will go to a service but I check regularly.”

 

“Thank you, sir,” Victor said softly.

 

Hashimoto watched them leave, Victor’s hand already threaded back into Yuuri’s.  He pursed his lips and wrote down a few notes.  He hated cases of domestic violence and sexual abuse because they followed him home.  Pulling out his phone, he sent a sad faced emoji to his partner.  They never discussed his cases but this signaled to his partner that he had taken on a difficult one and told him that he might need some extra care that evening. Pulling out his appointment book, he prepared for his next client.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor curled into Yuuri’s side as they rode the train back to Hasetsu.  He was emotionally exhausted.  Yuuri kept a protective arm around him.  Finally they reached their stop.  As Yuuri guided Victor off the train, he asked, “Did you want to skate?”

 

Victor shook his head.  Then, after a moment, he asked, “Can we walk Makka?  Maybe along the beach?”

 

“I think that’s a great plan.”

 

An hour later, they found themselves walking along the beach, feet bare, shoes in hand.  “Yuuri, am I submissive?”

 

Yuuri smiled quietly, watching the sun, his fingers tightening in Victor’s hand.  “I hate labels.  They are limiting.  Even if you have submissive tendencies, it isn’t all that you are.  Just like my having dominant tendencies doesn’t fully describe who I am.”

 

“You and Ma...Mikhail,” Victor sighed, an edge of frustration touching the release.  “You are both different in how you treat me.”

 

“If I am dominant, he’s sadistic,” Yuuri explained.  “Those are different although sometimes confused.  I want to protect you, care for you, cherish you, free you.  He is the absolute opposite.  He wants to own you, enslave you, relish in your pain.”

 

Victor considered his words.  “I think...he wanted to break me...to keep me broken.  When I fought him, Ma...Mikhail would break me all over again.”

 

Yuuri turned to face Victor, the cool ocean waves licking back and forth over their feet.  “I noticed you are making an effort not to call him Masha.”

 

“Masha...that’s a diminutive...a sign of affection.  I...I’m cutting him out.  He gets no further claim on me.  Mikhail distances him.”

 

“You still have feelings for him,” Yuuri stated quietly.

 

Victor sucked in his breath and dropped his face.  “I don’t want to...it’s dying...all of it.  His hold on me.  Anything I felt for him.”  Lifting his head to hold Yuuri’s eyes, he added, “It’s different.  What I feel for you.  I feel...more surefooted.  You keep me on my feet.  I don’t...think it’s...transference.  But...I’m afraid I’ll hurt you, Yuuri.”

 

“Let me take that risk,” Yuuri whispered softly.  He traced his fingers down Victor’s cheek before brushing a soft kiss over his lips.  “I know what I feel and there is no transference there.  I love you, Vitya.”

 

Victor’s breath hitched and Yuuri could see the other man’s eyes fill with unshed tears as he swallowed down a sob.  “I don’t understand how...or why.  But...I need that love.”

  

* * *

 

 

As evening faded to night, Victor buried himself into Yuuri’s chest.  “I’m sorry I’m messed up,” he whispered and if Yuuri wasn’t listening, he would have missed those words.

 

“You are not messed up.  You are wounded…and the deeper the wounds, the longer it takes to heal.  Give yourself permission to heal, Victor.  Stop punishing yourself.”

 

Victor lifted his eyes and held his.  “Then…you have to do the same.  You keep blaming yourself for not talking to me, for a missed opportunity.  That’s…not fair.  You need to stop punishing yourself, too.”

 

Yuuri smiled as he pulled Victor into a kiss.  “Let’s use that time more wisely,” he whispered.  “I’d rather spend it loving you.”

 

Victor nuzzled into Yuuri’s neck.  “I feel the same,” he murmured in surrender.  “I do love you, Yuuri.”  He needed to affirm those words.  The therapist’s words shook him.  However, the more he thought about it, what he felt for Yuuri was vastly different from what he felt for Mikhail.  

 

Yuuri pulled Victor’s hand up to his lips, kissing the knuckles, the fingers, then the palm.  “I also want to release you from any sense of obligation you might feel towards intimacy.  If it’s what you want, then I want it, too.  But never out of obligation.  You are my lover, not my slave.  You get to decide what you want to do.  I don’t want it to be a matter of what you are willing to do.”

 

“I-I may still mess up,” Victor whispered.

 

“Let’s consider it getting to know one another.  You are learning what I like and I’m learning what you like.  And…I want you to feel okay about asking me.  I may not know, though.”

 

“You can ask me, too.  H-he taught me some things that might be twisted.  H-he hurt me.  A lot.  I…don’t think I like pain.  I don’t know about…being a submissive.”

 

“That’s not conditional on this relationship.  I don’t crave a sub/dom relationship.  I think it’s more important to establish our boundaries outside of that definition.  We need to discover our _normal_.”

 

“Can we…will you…touch me?”  Victor guided Yuuri’s hand to his body.  “I need touch.  My mother…she hugged me…often.  Then I went years without it.  I mean, I initiated hugs with those around me but...it wasn’t enough.  I think…I need to feel contact, human touch.  The lack of it made me vulnerable.  But your touch...it makes me feel safe, loved.”

 

Yuuri reached up and slid a hand down his cheek and around his neck pulling him into a kiss.  As their lips parted, Yuuri whispered softly, “I will never withhold my touch from you.  I do not believe in withholding love.”  Running his hand down Victor’s back, he tangled his fingers into Victor’s hair careful not to pull.  “You will never suffer punishment from me.  I refuse to bring pain to you.  We will discuss anything we need to correct and come to agreement together.  You are free to express your needs, and the things that you do not like.  We will likely have a number of uncomfortable conversations but I think they are important.  And I trust you enough to have them with you.  Trust me.”

 

“I do…more than anyone, I trust you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave your love, drop some words in the comments, kudos, shares...but mostly, thank you for reading.


	20. Deciphering Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor struggles with his identity as he goes to counseling on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates...all of your suggestions were so useful that I created an entire new arc. Well, it's a work in progress...but the bones have been laid out. I don't even know if they were intentional but that's just how my mind works.
> 
> For the rest of you, take the time to jump over and read her work.

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

 

* * *

 

[ Deciphering Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsuPCGmAP3I)

 

 

The weekend passed with a myriad of thoughts crowding through Victor’s mind.  Yuuri gave him the space he needed but was within ready reach when he needed to turn to the older man.  They skated, walked along the beach or through town, danced in the studio as Yuuri worked out a new program…Yuuri shared that he hoped his meds would level out, allowing him to compete in the Japanese Nationals, which would lead into Worlds.

 

“How will we be together?” Victor asked suddenly as Yuuri stretched after dancing through his choreography.  Victor dropped down and mirrored the floor stretches.

 

“What do you mean?” Yuuri asked uncertainly.

 

“I mean…if we both skate.  You can’t coach me and skate at the same time.”

 

Yuuri frowned thoughtfully hearing the worry in the younger man’s voice.  “That’s a good question.  I suppose one of us will have to switch coaches.  I’d still like to have a strong hand in your programs if you let me.  I enjoy developing your choreography with you and appreciate your input on my own.”

 

“I’d like that.”  Victor pulled his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them.  “I…don’t know if I will ever feel at home in Russia again.  What is Detroit like?”

 

Yuuri frowned.  He didn’t like that Victor couldn’t feel at home in his own country.  However, for now he decided to focus on Victor’s question.  “It’s full of music, great creativity, and cold.  The winters are long and deep.”

 

“That should be familiar.  I’m from Russia.  The cold doesn’t really affect me.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “I suppose not.  I come here every year to work out my choreography and spend time with family after Worlds.”

 

Victor smiled, his shoulders lifting up to reflect that happy thought that fluttered through him.  “I’m glad.  I like the warmth of your family.  They make me feel like a part of it…your family, that is.”

 

“You _are_ a part of it, Victor.  Even Grandfather has adopted you.  I’m under orders to bring you for our next lunch date.”

 

“I’d like that.  I like your grandfather.  He’s…not as frightening as I thought he’d be…considering what he does.”

 

“Grandfather is very protective of his family.”

 

“Yuuri?  Do _you_ think of me as part of your family?”

 

Yuuri reached for the blonde, pulling him into his embrace.  “Even more than that.  You are a part of me.  I want to claim you in every way, Vitya, to have you as my lover, my partner, and when you are ready, my husband.”

 

Victor’s lips parted, his eyes widening, tears threatening to break the dam.  “Why do you love me so much?”

 

“Because you are the missing part of my soul and I’ve been searching for you all of these years.  I could settle for no one else.  I need you.”

 

* * *

  

Tuesday arrived and Victor was nervous as he faced the idea of visiting with Hashimoto alone.  “I’m walking you to your appointment,” Yuuri reassured him.  “I’ll likely finish before you and should be waiting when you come out but if not, Grandfather’s men will know where to find me.”

 

Victor cringed at the idea of not knowing where to find Yuuri.  “Will you show me where you will be?”

 

Yuuri considered his question.  “We have time.  We can do that.  Especially if that will make you feel more at ease.”

 

“I don’t know what makes me more nervous.  Seeing Hashimoto-sensei alone or being alone in the city.”

 

“You aren’t alone,” Yuuri reminded him gently.  “You have four guards assigned to you.”

 

“But that leaves less with you,” Victor argued, his eyes wide.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I typically travel with only two, besides I’m not the one under the possibility of threat.  And remember, _he_ was deported.  You should be fine in Japan.”

 

Victor breathed deeply, trying to settle his nerves.  “Okay.  I can do this.”

 

“I know you can, my brave, beautiful Vitya,” Yuuri murmured.  Victor visibly preened before the praise. Yuuri suppressed the sigh and offered a smile, trying to reassure the other man.  “This is the building where I’ll be located.  Sasaki-sensei’s office is on the fourteenth floor.”

 

Victor nodded.  “And the others can find you,” he confirmed.

 

“Absolutely.  Now, let’s get you to your appointment.”

 

* * *

 

 

Hashimoto greeted them and noted the Victor’s reluctance at releasing Yuuri’s hand.  “Come, Victor.  Let me prepare you a cup of tea to calm your nerves.”  He guided the young man into his office.  Victor nervously wandered around the room while Hashimoto prepared the tea.  The psychologist made note of Victor’s nervous ticks.  Pulling at his hair, twirling his hair around his fingers, chewing his lip or his nails, pulling at his fingers, rubbing his ears.  He had an entire repertoire of self-comforting devices.  Hashimoto planned to add to that list a series of helpful therapies.  With tea situated on the tray, he directed Victor to join him in the seating area.

 

Victor seemed to be at a loss without that guidance.  Hashimoto added that to the list of things to address.  Although he worked with sexual and relationship issues, his specialization with sexual related trauma gave him the experience he needed to address Victor’s needs.  He handed the cup to Victor and picked the other up for himself.  “I don’t know about you, but there is always that awkward period at first where one doesn’t know what to do with their hands.  I find…a cup of tea helps ease the transition,” he explained gently.

 

Victor nodded as he took a sip.  “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said last time.  I don’t think it is transference.”

 

“Okay.  Tell me why,” he invited, curious that this was the topic Victor grabbed hold of.

 

“The feelings I have for Yuuri are very different from what I had for Mikhail.  I do depend on him a great deal but…he encourages me to do things on my own.  I know I’ll get better at it.  We just….we work closely together.”

 

Hashimoto nodded.  “Okay.  Tell me some of the things you do on your own.”

 

“They are small things.  I walk in the garden.  I help out at the inn sometimes while Yuuri is working on his own programs.  I read.  I’m trying to learn Japanese.”

 

“Why do you want to learn Japanese?”

 

“I know Yuuri spends part of the year here and I want to fit in better.  His family have openly accepted me.  I don’t have any family back home in Russia.”

 

“No one at all?” Hashimoto asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

Victor looked at his teacup thoughtfully.  “Well, I have my coach, Yakov.  He raised me after my mother passed away.  He did his best but…he’s not a very warm person.  I had to initiate all of the hugs, he’s not good with openly showing affection.  Then I suppose there is Mila.  She is younger than me and was my rink mate.  She would ask about me quite often and I know she was aware I was being abused.  She also would run up and gives me a hug in the mornings.  I guess there is also Yuri Plisetsky.  He’s only fifteen.  He is like an angry kitten but he would pick at me to pull me out of my funk.  Then, Georgi who is older than me by three years.  He said I could always stay at his place if I needed to get away.  I never took him up on it.  I suppose…he knew as well.”

 

“That sounds like a family to me,” Hashimoto observed.

 

Victor nodded, pulling his knees to his chest.  “But _he_ lives there.”

 

“Mikhail,” Hashimoto confirmed.

 

Victor nodded once more, laying his head on his knees.  “It would be easier in Detroit and Japan.”

 

“But would it be best?” Hashimoto pressed.

 

“I-I don’t know.”  Victor looked surprise at the tear that broke free.  “I guess…I miss them.  Yakov makes me contact him once a week to let him know I’m alright.  It’s not the same, though.”

 

“What else have you been thinking about?” Hashimoto invited.

 

Victor shrugged, a nervous gesture, grabbing at the end of his braid and tugging at it.  “I’ve been thinking about what you said about being submissive.  I don’t know…what that means.  Not truly.”

 

“There is the loose definition which means simply that you are meek and follow the lead of others.  It is humble obedience, bowing to others’ authority,” Hashimoto supplied.

 

Victor considered those words then shook his head.  “That’s not what you meant, though.  You didn’t say that I was submissive.  You said that I was _a_ submissive.  You used that in the context of dominance and submission.  I don’t know what that means so how do I know if that is where I fall?”

 

Hashimoto regarded the man before him.  “You know more than you are willing to admit.  So what does it mean to you?”

 

Victor drew his thoughts in as he studied his hand, unconsciously tracing the outline.  “I…like to be directed, to be taken care of, protected.  I thought…it meant that I was enslaved, forced to bow to my partner’s will but Yuuri says that that is a common misconception.  I do like to please others and sometimes will set aside my own needs and desires to help them out.  But…that perhaps isn’t healthy,” he admitted.

 

Hashimoto felt a flutter of a smile at Victor’s sudden self-awareness.  “No, it is not.  Pleasing others is a common trait but you should never neglect your own needs.  Think of a dance.  Someone leads, and someone follows.  In a dominant/submissive relationship, that is a defined role.  The lead is the dominant partner while the submissive follows.  However, a good leader will always make sure his submissive partner is safe, feels taken care of, and gives full consent.”

 

“How is that different from codependent?”

 

“The difference is will or choice.  If one is codependent, one loses autonomy.  It’s an uncertain state where one is always fighting against the idea of losing someone.  With submission, one chooses to give power to their partner, preferably a partner who isn’t self-centered and narcissistic.  However, a submissive doesn’t lose their sense of self.”

 

“Yuuri is the opposite of self-centered,” Victor stated.  “Mikhail, though…” Victor shivered.  “So, if I was codependent with Mikhail, does that mean I’m not the other?”

 

“No, it does not.  And it is possible to have a healthy submissive relationship after codependency.  However, before you submit, you need to learn your boundaries.  These have been blurred over the last three years.  You also need to establish your identity.”

 

Victor pulled out the journal he had started.  Opening it to a page, he showed it to Hashimoto.  “I started making a list…things I didn’t like about how Mikhail treated me.  Is this what you mean by boundaries?”

 

“It’s a solid start.  Eventually, you’ll be able to simplify it into a simple pair of columns…this is what I like, this is what I don’t like.  I want to caution you about exploring your submissiveness.  I recommend you wait until you are in a healthier mental state.”

 

Victor tapped his lip with his index finger thoughtfully.  “Okay…what if I don’t want to be submissive?  What if I’m afraid…of ending up where I started?”

 

“Then don’t,” Hashimoto answered with a shrug.  “You may still have tendencies but that doesn’t mean you have to walk that road.”

 

Victor nodded, his eyes focusing once more on his hands.  “Yuuri said we should find our own normal, free of labels.”

 

“What do you say?” Hashimoto asked, tilting his head to one side as he studied the other man.

 

Victor answered slowly at first, as if assembling his thoughts.  “I think…regardless of being submissive or not, I need to know my boundaries.  I should know what I want versus what I’m willing to do as well.  But, I’m not sure exactly how to get there so that’s why I started my lists.  I…really didn’t know where to start with my journal.”

 

“There are different ways to journal,” the psychologist offered.  “Some use it to dump out all of the thoughts crowding their mind.  Some use it to rid themselves of negativity.  Some focus on positive aspects and what they want to realize.  And some, like you, use it to problem solve.  And it can be a combination of a number of styles.  The important part is to make it a habit, to regularly get something on paper.”

 

Victor lifted his eyes to meet Hashimoto’s.  “What do I do next?”

 

“Explore something that you alone are interested in without your partner.”

 

“Like…college courses?”

 

“It could be college courses…especially if that’s something you’ve been denying yourself.  It could also be a hobby.”

 

“Something uniquely me.  I might have to think about it.”  He picked up his journal.  “I can journal on those thoughts, though, to help me work it out.”

 

“You can most definitely journal about it,” the doctor encouraged.

 

“Okay, I feel like I at least have a direction and some answers to my questions.”  Victor studied his fingers thoughtfully where they stretched across the journal.  “One more thing.”

 

“Yes, Victor?”

 

“Do the…” He drew a deep breath.  “Do the nightmares ever go away?”

 

Hashimoto drew his lips into a thin line.  “Eventually they will quiet to near nothingness.  However, they can still crop up unexpectedly when something triggers them.”

 

“Do you…have some strategies for dealing with them?”

 

“Journal, of course.  Writing it down sometimes can help you make sense of the dreams.  Some find it easier to draw it out.  Even if you are not an artist, you could create an interpretation of the dream.  With meditation, you can visualize yourself in a safe place then pull that practice in place during your rest period.  Drink relaxing teas and practice relaxation techniques before you go to sleep.  Do they cause you to have anxiety attacks?”

 

Victor shook his head.  “They scare me but Yuuri calms me after a bit.  It’s not like Yuuri’s anxiety attacks.  I’ve seen those.”

 

“One successful technique in dealing with PTSD induced nightmares is[ Imagery Rehearsal Therapy](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/244829592_Imagery_Rehearsal_Therapy_Principles_and_Practice) which gives you back control over the ending of your nightmare.  In essence, you learn how to change the story.  This is something we can discuss on your next visit.  I’m writing it down so that you can research it further.”  Hashimoto reached into his desk and pulled out a [ pamphlet](http://www.kemh.health.wa.gov.au/services/sarc/documents/flashback.pdf).  He wrote down the therapy name on the back before handing over to Victor.

 

Victor’s eyes flicked the paper over.  “I’m not…a sexual assault victim.  I was there willingly,” he argued.

 

Hashimoto shook his head.  “You were there under a false premise.  He broke that promise of safety and care when he first abused you.  I’m not going to force the phraseology on you, Victor.  However, several of the suggestions I mentioned to you are listed in that pamphlet.  It gives you a starting place.”

 

Victor turned the paper over and looked at it, his expression troubled but he nodded and placed it in the pocket of his notebook.  “I’ll read over it…especially if you think it might help.  Can we talk about this Image Rehearsal Therapy with Yuuri here?”

 

“Of course.  You may bring him with you during your next session.”

 

Victor sighed, still uncertain.  “I feel like I’m a broken puzzle and we are digging out pieces to try and put me together again.  I wonder if I’ll ever be whole.”

 

“You aren’t the only one who has felt that way.  But know this…all of the pieces are there.  They may be hidden but we will find a way to decipher them and unlock the parts of you that have disappeared from view.  I think that is the most important part of this journey.”

 

“Journey.  I like that.  It sounds…hopeful.”  Victor smiled, something changing in his demeanor.

 

“Then that’s what we’ll call it.  So, until Friday, keep journaling and feel free to share any other strategies you employ during the week.  Also, I want you to write down any anxiety episodes you might have and please include the surrounding events, both before and after the episode.  Since your partner struggles with anxiety, he is likely familiar with keeping an anxiety log.  This will help us to pinpoint whether or not we need to consider other therapies.”

 

“Okay.  I can do that.  Thank you, Hashimoto-sensei.”  Victor imitated the bow he watched Yuuri do and then smiled when the other man offered his hand to shake.  He grasped it and met the doctor’s eyes.  “Until Friday.”

 

* * *

  

Yuuri was waiting for him when he emerged and stood to greet his partner.  “Are you ready?”

 

“ _Da!”_ Victor responded, a smile flitting across his lips.

 

“That’s a happy sound.  I take it the session went well.”  Victor’s happiness was infectious and Yuuri found himself answering with a smile of his own.

 

Victor nodded.  “I have a lot to think about…but it feels like moving forward, a journey.  So I have hope.”

 

Yuuri laughed softly as he slipped an arm around Victor’s waist.  “Hope is a good thing.”  Yuuri guided him out of the office with a hand on his back.  “Now, do you want to stop somewhere for lunch or go straight home?”

 

Victor tilted his head in consideration.  “What would you do if I wasn’t here?”

 

“There is a coffee shop attached to a bookstore I like to frequent.  We could grab a light lunch and browse the shelves before taking the train home.”

 

“That sounds like a wonderfully _normal_ idea.  Yes, please,” Victor responded, his eyes dancing.

 

Yuuri laughed as the blonde grabbed hold of his hand, lacing their fingers together.  “Yuuri?”

 

“Yes, Vitya,” he prompted.

 

Victor stared wistfully into the distance.  “I want us to find our own normal.  I don’t think I like the labels either.  Is that okay?”

 

“I’ve never been fond of labels,” Yuuri answered, “possibly because I never strictly fit into one category but somewhere in the middle.”

 

Victor turned to look at Yuuri, his eyes turning serious.  “I just…I don’t want to be that _word_ .  I _do_ want to figure out my boundaries.  Will you do the same?  Then we can share and talk about it.”

 

“I think that is an excellent plan but realize that list will change over time as we get to know each other and ourselves,” Yuuri warned gently.  “So it isn’t a contract.”

 

Victor nodded.  “It’s easier to respect boundaries, though, if we have an idea what they are.”

 

“That’s a very good point.”

 

* * *

 

 

The trip back to Hasetsu, Victor leaned on Yuuri’s shoulder as he read a book on career exploration.  Yuuri raised an eyebrow when Victor selected it but said nothing.  Yuuri read a mystery when his mind didn’t wander to the man beside him.

 

Victor became animated and open, his eyes curious as he explored the world around him with new interest asking a thousand questions in the walk home.  He no longer appeared to merely exist but began to interact in the world around him.  Yuuri didn’t know what occurred in that office but somehow a switch was flipped, and maybe a key unlocked.

 

 _Hope_.

 

Victor clung to that word like a promise.

 

Yuuri watched his Victor’s happiness through the day.  Something, though, started to bother him.  Something started to feel off.  Yuuri returned his smiles but began to look closer.  Something started to slip through that demeanor, looking forced.  Perhaps he was tired, perhaps they both were...Yuuri hoped.  He wanted more than anything for Victor to be happy, for Victor to start to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm wrapping this chapter up with my emotions in a whirl. What about you? I've got the next one started...but it may take a day or two to put it on paper. Too many thoughts. Send me love to keep me going!


	21. Battle Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shoe drops...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, BluSkates, for the edits!
> 
> Grab a box of tissues, readers!

[ Battle Scars](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFaBmcCz_HU)

 

Victor danced across the ice, performing the steps Yuuri wanted from him, striving for perfection.  Yuuri balanced his critiques against praise.  As Yuuri’s critical eyes watched him, he began to second guess his doubts.  Maybe, just maybe, Victor was genuinely happy. 

 

As Yuuri walked home with him, Victor babbled about nothing and everything, as if his eyes were just opened and he was taking it all in.  As they relaxed in the onsen, Victor would draw up to Yuuri with a contented sigh.  Snuggling in bed, Victor talked about skating and the other things he wanted to accomplish.  Yuuri just held on, trying to tamp down his worry.

 

On the third day the inevitable happened, Victor crashed.  Yuuri found him curled up in his room, shut down from everyone.  Sitting next to him, Yuuri stroked his silvery hair, soothed him as best he could with words.  “I can’t do this, Yuuri.  I can’t.  I am…nobody.  There isn’t anything left.  It’s all broken.”

 

“Vitya,” he murmured.  “You still have so much to offer.”

 

“I know you are just being kind, Yuuri.  My skating is trash.  I haven’t been able to do anything in competition.  Why would it change?”

 

“First of all, your skating is not trash.  Secondly, is this really about your skating?”

 

Victor curled up tighter.  “N-no,” he said, his voice small.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I-I don’t know.  I feel…invisible.  Non-existent.  I don’t have my own identity.  I’m…just want everyone wants me to be.  Pleasing.  Happy.  Sunny.  Beautiful.  But…I’m falling apart inside.”

 

Yuuri listened as he rushed through the words, his own suspicions confirmed in the process.  “When I met you, Vitya, I offered you a safe place.  That place came without condition.  You don’t have to be…pleasing.  If you fought me every day, you would still have a place.”

 

Victor lay still, staring at the opposite wall still curled in a fetal position, but his sobs had stilled.  Yuuri waited.  Victor processed the information in the framework of his thoughts.  Finally he turned, facing Yuuri.  “I’m ugly…all inside,” he whispered.  “What if…I’m no longer beautiful?”

 

Yuuri wanted to protest but knew Victor was testing the boundaries of unconditional.  “You would still be welcome.  This is your home for as long as you want it.”

 

Victor flicked his eyes around the tiny room.  “What if…I moved back in here, I didn’t sleep with you?”

 

Yuuri’s lips thinned but he nodded.  “Still your home.  I didn’t invite you here to warm my bed, Vitya.”

 

“I think…I need space.  I need…to figure this out.”

 

Yuuri nodded quietly as he watched the younger man before him, vulnerable to the point of cracking, and he fought the desire to haul him into his arms. “I’m here…when…and if you need me,” Yuuri stated quietly.  He watched Victor a few moments longer before leaving him alone.  Closing the door behind him, he forced himself to swallow down the knot in his throat. 

 

Walking down the hall, he grabbed his computer and headed towards the attic.  He caught his sister’s eye as he pulled down the stairs.  She said nothing.  Just watched him disappear into the darkness above, pulling the stairs up behind him.

 

He moved to the most remote corner of the darkened attic where a futon was laid out.  He’d camped out up here before.  Reaching for the window, he cranked it open and let in some fresh air.  A breeze picked up a carried in the scent of early summer blooms.  For a while he just laid there staring out the window at the clouds tracking across the sky. 

 

Pushing up, he opened his computer.

 

**[LOST BOYS CENTRAL – Chat Logs]**

 

**Pan/  Who’s on?**

 

**Peaches/ I’m here.  What’s up?**

 

**Pan/ Rough day.**

 

**Peaches/ Anxiety?**

 

**Pan/ No.  That would be easy.**

 

**Peaches/ Victor?**

 

**Pan/ Yes.  It’s all…falling apart.  We were progressing just fine.  Now he’s shut me out.**

 

**Peaches/ Did you have a fight?**

 

**Pan/ No.  He just asked for space.  He moved back to his room.**

 

**Peaches/ Wait.  He wasn’t staying in his room?**

 

**Pan/ I guess I haven’t kept you up to date.  We’ve been sleeping together for awhile.**

 

**Peaches/ As in…sex? Or just sleep?**

 

**Pan/ Maybe a little of the first…a lot of the second.**

 

**Peaches/  O.O**

 

**Peaches/ I thought I was your best friend.**

 

**Pan/ You are.**

 

**Peaches/ Your bestest friend.**

 

**Pan/ Definitely.**

 

**Peaches/ How did I not know this?!!!**

 

**Pan/ It’s just…complicated.**

 

**Peaches/ Best friend!**

 

**Pan/ I know.  You’re right.**

 

**SexGod/ Just logged in a few moments ago.  What’s wrong?  You never come here, Pan.**

 

**Pan/ I know.  I think…I fucked up.  I just don’t know what to do to fix it.**

 

**SexGod/ With Victor?  Tell me what’s going on.**

 

**Pan/ He asked for space.**

 

**SexGod/ …**

 

**SexGod/ I think I need some context.**

 

**Peaches/ Same.**

 

**TakeIce/ He was fine all week.  What did you do?**

 

**Pan/ Oh.  We’re all here.**

 

**Pan/ He came from his last counseling session all cheery.  I think…I was waiting for the shoe to drop.**

 

**Pan/ But the happy mood continued.**

 

**Pan/ Then I found him crying in his room.**

 

**TakeIce/ His room.  Not yours.**

 

**Pan/ No.  Definitely his.  He seemed afraid I would kick him out.  I told him no matter what, this was his home as long as he wanted to be here.  Then he asked for space.**

 

**SexGod/ I think you are leaving something out.**

 

**SexGod/ You said he was happy.  Then he…crashed?**

 

**Pan/ Exactly.**

 

**SexGod/ What was going on before the counselor visit?**

 

**Pan/ He was sorting out some ideas that were brought up during the previous session.  He kept looking them up, and arguing against them.**

 

**SexGod/ and those were what?**

 

**Pan/ Transference. Codependency.  Submissive.  Dominant.**

 

**SexGod/ Can I call you?**

 

**SexGod/ Sorry, guys.  I think…I need to talk privately with Yuuri.**

 

**TakeIce/ That’s fine.  I just hate to hear that Victor is having a hard time.**

 

**Peaches/ You can call me, too, if you still need to talk Yuuri.**

 

**Pan/ Thanks.  Yes, Chris.  Please call me.**

 

The cell phone rang a few minutes later.  “Chris?”

 

“Sorry for the delay, Yuuri.  I have Lawrie here, as well, since he has his own practice where I’m still in school.”

 

“Hi, Lawrie,” Yuuri greeted.

 

“Hello, Yuuri,” a warm voice greeted back.  “Your friend.  He had a sudden crash.  Chris showed me the chat log.  I hope you don’t mind.”

 

Yuuri tightened his lips but answered, “I am fine…I understand his motivation.”

 

“Did your friend resolve his definitions?” Lawrence asked.

 

“I…think so.  He said he didn’t want to be bound by those labels, though.  I feel the same way.  But maybe he hasn’t fully worked it all out.”

 

“What is he trying to work out, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri chewed his lip as he considered the question.  “I guess…his identity.  He said he doesn’t have his own identity…that he’s spent his life pleasing everyone else.”

 

“He went from happy to sad like a flip of a switch,” Chris confirmed.

 

“Yes…exactly,” Yuuri answered before thoughtfully adding, “but…I think I expected it.  The happy…was sudden as well.”

 

Lawrence made an absent clicking sound as if he was digging through his thoughts.  “And he was trying to sort out codependency and submission.  Has anyone introduced the term interdependency?”

 

“N-no…what is that?”

 

“It’s the healthy opposite of codependency.  Interdependency still allows for lives to entwine but you each have autonomy.  You each share power equally.  You each take responsibility for your own actions, your own feelings, and your own contributions to the relationship.  But to achieve this, you each have to be able to function independently.  Self-esteem is an important factor.  When you are confident in yourself, you are able to honor each other’s differences, each other’s separateness, each other’s individuality.”

 

“I’ve been pushing him to be independent, to have autonomy but I’m worried I haven’t been helping him gain it.  Perhaps he’s fighting back against me.”

 

“It’s easy to cross the line with the intention of being supportive,” Lawrence suggested.  “However, recognizing the behavior and correcting it is the key to moving forward.”

 

“How do I help him establish his own sense of self?” Yuuri asked.

 

“He’s got to work it out…feeling safe will allow that.  You can’t feel hurt when he pushes you away.  Not if you want that independence.”

 

“So back off and wait,” Yuuri confirmed.  “Is there anything I should watch for?”

 

Yuuri heard the two men talking in the background before Lawrence returned with an answer.  “His depression.  It could be a symptom of long term abuse.  All of this.  His loss of sense of self.  His depression.  The forced happiness.  Does he have nightmares?”

 

“That’s what led him to my bed the first time.”

 

“Has his counselor talked to him about PTSD?”

 

“It’s come up but he’s only had two sessions.  I really…don’t know what happened in the last one.  I can attend the next one…if Victor wants me there.”

 

“If he pushes you out, you have to let him go.  Trust your counselor.  Does the counselor have a good reputation?”

 

“Yes.  My psychiatrist referred us.”

 

“Then…time.  And watch out for his depression.”

 

“Thank you, Lawrie, Chris.  I appreciate you both.”

 

“Of course, Yuuri.  Let me give you back to Chris.”

 

Chris returned to the line.  “Do you feel better?”

 

“Yes…somewhat.  Not powerless, at least.  Thank you for forcing the call.”

 

“I’ll tell the boys you’re okay.  You go check on Victor.”

 

“I will.  Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

 

Slipping back down the stairs, he went to Victor’s room to find the door open and Victor gone.  He looked in his room hopefully but he only saw empty spaces where Victor removed his belongings that worked their way into his room.  Sighing, he continued to search.  The onsen.  The meditation garden.  Finally, he asked his mother.

 

“He said he was going to take Makkachin to the beach,” she answered.

 

“Thanks, Kaa-san,” he responded.

 

She studied him.  “Is everything okay?”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “I don’t know.  But I refuse to give up on him.  I just want to make sure he’s safe.”

 

“Okay.  Let me know if you need anything.  You don’t have to work through all of this alone.”

 

Yuuri smiled sadly.  Of course his mother was on his side.  “I will.  I need to go.”

 

Yuuri found him sitting on the beach.  The sun was starting to set.  He walked up quietly and sat down next to him.  Victor said nothing…just stared towards the sea.  After a few minutes passed, Yuuri felt a hand cover his.  “I’m sorry,” Victor whispered.

 

Yuuri shook his head in protest.  “Don’t be.  If this is what you need, then so be it.”

 

Victor tightened his jaw.  “I hurt you.  I didn’t mean to.” 

 

Sighing, Yuuri explained, “If I was hurt, it was only because I wasn’t truly listening.  My concern now is that your sadness doesn’t overwhelm you.  Will you let me make sure you are alright?”

 

Victor turned to look at him, surprise registering in his features.  “You…are worried about me.”

 

“Of course,” Yuuri responded.  “Just because you need space doesn’t mean I stop caring.”

 

“I don’t know…what this means for us,” Victor confessed, his eyes dropping down to study their joined hands.  “I just know…something had to give.  I can’t keep giving if I have nothing of myself.”

 

“I…don’t know what you need, Victor.  But you asked me for space.  So I’m giving it to you.  I’m still here for you.”

 

“Thank you.  Will you…still come with me tomorrow?  I’m not sure what will happen.  I can’t go alone.  Not yet.  But…I will.  I need to be able to do this.”

 

“I will attend for as long as you need me there.  It…will be hard to let you go alone.  But if that’s what you need, I’ll respect that…when you are ready.”

 

“Thank you.  I’m trying, Yuuri.”  He wrapped his arms around his knees.

 

Yuuri studied the other man before deciding to press his suspicion.  “Vitya?  Were you truly happy this week?”

 

Victor shifted and darted his eyes away for a moment before answering.  “I think…I told myself a lie.  I thought I could convince myself to be happy.  I grabbed hold of a word.  Hope.  It seemed so powerful.  But then…I woke up and it was as if my breath was stolen from me.  I pushed through practice.  I thought if I kept moving forward.  But then…I couldn’t.  The lie came crashing around me.”

 

“There are no shortcuts to healing.”  Yuuri felt Victor squeeze his hand in response.  “If we rush this, it will fester inside of you.  I want you to truly be healed from the inside out.  I’ll be here when you are ready.”

 

“I don’t want to be that  _ word _ .” 

 

Yuuri considered that statement.  It was the same one Victor said as he left Hashimoto’s office.  “Which word has you so shaken, Vitya?”

 

Victor met his eyes.  “Codependent.  That’s the word that trapped me with Mikhail.  I need to be free of it.”

 

“Then do what you need to be independent,” Yuuri stated firmly.  “Then, if you want to intermingle our lives, we can learn a new word:  Interdependent.  But for now we can’t…not yet.  Not until you learn the first one.”

 

“Interdependent.”  Victor turned the foreign word over on his tongue thoughtfully.

 

Yuuri thinned his lips before nodding sharply.  “Sometimes we need new words…so we know which way to grow.  But…we aren’t ready for that yet.  One step at a time, Vitya.”

 

Victor nodded in agreement.  Whistling, he stood to receive Makkachin as she bounced back towards him.  He clipped her leash on.  “I’m going to walk some more.  I’ll be home later.”

 

Yuuri considered Victor’s words.  “I think…I’m going to go dance.  Maybe we’ll meet each other in the onsen later.”

 

A tiny smile flickered across Victor’s lips.  “Perhaps.” 

 

They walked off in opposite directions…each seeking a piece of themselves they lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you picked up on it...the hanging threat of falling apart. Our Victor is not healed yet. It takes time...time for himself he hasn't taken yet.
> 
> Let me know what you think! Comments, kudos, and shares are love! Thanks for reading!


	22. Unsteady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many struggles...stepping back is hard to do. Raw emotions. Longing. Confusion.
> 
> So much to look forward to! ;) I've written ahead. Don't worry. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. For now, grab some more tissue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, BluSkates, I know I dropped four chapters on you and you haven't freaked out. I appreciate you getting this one ready to post. 
> 
> For the rest of you, (((hugs))) and fluffy blankets. Maybe a snuggly cat or poodle to keep you company.
> 
> And watch the video! It's an amazing dance video. I'm in love with it!

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Unsteady](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsVXnCGij5o)

 

Yuuri felt sleep pulling away from him and he reached out to the other side of the bed to drag Victor into his embrace.  His hands found only empty sheets, which startled him fully awake.  Memories of the previous day seeped through his sleep groggy memory.  The brunette curled in on himself and allowed himself the luxury of tears for a few minutes.  He understood, but it was like having the world in his hands only for it to be taken away without warning.

 

He tried to go back to sleep but soon gave up.  Moving quietly across the hall, he showered and dressed comfortably for a jog.   Makkachin greeted him in the hall.  “Do you want to go out, Makka?” he whispered.  Grabbing the lead, he pulled out the reflective jacket and headband before slipping out for a run.

 

The air was nippy in the predawn morning.  Yuuri followed the lit path, lost in thought.  His bodyguards, Akio and Ryota, ran next to him saying nothing until they drew to a stop.  Yuuri stared across the view into the sleepy town.  “I want to continue the two and four split when Victor and I are separated.”

 

“Yes, sir,” Akio answered.  Ryota nodded stiffly.  The men blended so well into Yuuri’s life that to an outsider, this would simply appear to be three young men bent on fitness.   Both men had traveled and worked with him for years and were well aware of Yuuri’s habits, sleeping when Yuuri texted to say he was tucked in for the night but keeping their phones handy when Yuuri needed to go out.  It had been a while, though, since Yuuri sought early morning run time, and the break in routine didn’t go unnoticed.

 

“Thank you.  I may…have a few mornings like this,” he warned.

 

Ryota answered quietly, “It is never a problem, Katsuki-san.”

 

Yuuri nodded sharply, signaling their run to continue.  They flanked him as he came off the hill and headed back into town.  He ran past Minako’s bar, now dark and lifeless; her darkened studio and apartment; the sleeping skating rink.  An hour after he had set out he returned to the inn.  His detail fell off as he opened the door.  Securing it behind him, he removed Makka’s lead and hung it up.

 

A dim light signaled someone else was up early.  It was still an hour before his parents or sister would start their day.  He followed his feet into the kitchen and found Victor sitting over a cup of coffee.  He looked up, his hair tangled.  “Nightmare?” Yuuri asked quietly.

 

Victor shrugged noncommittally and sipped his coffee.  “Couldn’t go back to sleep.”

 

“Same.  I’ve already been out for a run.”

 

Victor nodded.  “I noticed Makka’s lead was gone and figured as much.”  Silence loomed between them.  Yuuri filled it with making breakfast and pouring his own cup.  Victor raised an eyebrow.  “Coffee?”

 

“I think I need something stronger than tea this morning.”

 

Victor nodded in agreement.  “I suppose we don’t have time to skate,” Victor murmured.

 

“We need to catch the train at 8:30.  That’s three hours from now.  I can set an alarm on my phone.”

 

“Do you mind?  I think…I need to feel the ice under my feet to ground me today.”

 

“Not at all.  Get ready while I clean up.”

 

Victor left the room while Yuuri washed the dishes and cleaned up the evidence of their presence.  He then went up to pack a gym bag with the clothes he would change into.  Hearing a tap on his door, he invited Victor in.  The younger man had his skate bag and a similar gym bag in hand.  “I grabbed clothes to change into.”

 

Yuuri looked up and noted the hasty braid.  He missed fixing Victor’s hair already.  “So did I.” Yuuri said quickly, pushing down his own longing.  “It will save time if we shower there.”

 

“Agreed.  Ready?”

 

“Yes.  Let’s go.  Akio has already called our detail and they’ll meet us there.”

 

Victor glanced up worried.  “Are we walking alone?”

 

“No.  Akio and Ryoka are already up because of my jog.”

 

“I don’t…think I realized you alerted them.  I thought they were just…there.”

 

“I text them when I’m up and when I’m in for the night. Give me your phone and I’ll add Takeo to your contacts.  He’s the lead for your detail.”

 

“Oh.  That will…help me to be more independent.”

 

“Exactly.  You can more readily come and go as needed.  And if…you need to go out at night, they’ll be there.”

 

“Do they sleep?”

 

“Yes.  I’ll draft out a schedule for you.  I have Akio and Ryoka every other day.  Then Shinoba and Azumi on the days in between.  I’ll make sure you learn the names of your detail today and the other one for tomorrow.  The lead for tomorrow is Kimiko.  She is…very good in a tight spot.”

 

“Kimiko.  Takeo.  And you’ll put them both in my phone?”

 

“Yes,” Yuuri confirmed.

 

“Perhaps…you can write it down in my notebook while we are on the train.”

 

“Of course.”  Their discourse felt forced because of the new distance, lacking the depth they had shared.  Yuuri fought the urge to sigh.  He missed the comfort of Victor’s warm teasing, his uncertain but curious questions, the way he wormed his way into Yuuri’s world.   _ One day,  _ anata _ , we will move past this...then I will get to enjoy your presence, your warmth once more. _

  

* * *

 

 

The rink welcomed them in its cold embrace.  The ice lay before them fresh and smooth.  Victor was on the ice before Yuuri had his skates tied.  He lost himself in unstructured circles.  Yuuri slipped into school figures watching the other man quietly.  He allowed his mind to drift and looked up suddenly to find Victor nearby.

 

Victor studied Yuuri’s skates thoughtfully.  “Why do you do school figures?”

 

“It…calms me,” Yuuri answered in open honesty.  “If I have a lot on my mind, it gives me structured routine.”

 

“Are you…not calm?” Victor asked, concern lacing his voice.

 

Yuuri thinned his lips.  “You’ve given me a lot to think about, Vitya.”  He saw the other man wince.  He reached out for Victor’s hand but then dropped his hand.  Victor watched that motion, a sad expression flitting across his face.  “Don’t worry.  We’ll…find our place.  Thinking isn’t bad.”

 

Victor chewed his lip guiltily.  “I still…feel like I hurt you and all you’ve been is kind.”

 

“Are you not also hurting?” Yuuri asked.

 

Victor slowly nodded.  “It feels wrong…to say so.  I asked for this.”

 

Yuuri lifted his hand once more but as he started to drop it, he felt the other hand take his.  He stared at the connection.  “I know you asked for this, that you need this.  I’m not angry.  When I help my father in the garden, we sometimes have to prune a tree because it isn’t growing in the best manner.  It hurts to remove those branches because they are alive.  However, in the end, the tree will be healthier.  It doesn’t mean…you don’t hurt, though.  It doesn’t mean you don’t miss the part that has become familiar.”

 

Victor swallowed and nodded wordlessly.

 

“You are allowed your pain.  I just…am still uncertain of some of your boundaries.  I don’t want to inadvertently cross them.  I…worry that I pushed you into a relationship you weren’t ready for.”

 

Victor shook his head.  “I jumped.  Too soon, but I was the one that jumped.  I craved…intimacy.”  He looked away, across the now marked ice.  “I still crave it.  I missed…waking with you next to me.”

 

“I missed you, too,” Yuuri admitted.  “This…won’t be easy.  That’s why I think we need to discuss hard and fast lines.  Perhaps with Hashimoto’s guidance we can figure out the boundaries.”

 

Victor nodded.  “I think…you are right.  He wants to talk to me about a therapy to help with my nightmares.  I think…I need to tell him about my crash yesterday.  I think…I’m still a little in it today,” he admitted.  “I don’t want to be selfish, Yuuri…but will you keep watch over me?”

 

“Yes…thank you for trusting me,” he whispered.

 

Victor looked into his eyes and held them for a meaningful pause before answering.  “It was never about trusting you, Yuuri.  I trust you…completely.  If anything, I don’t trust myself.  How can I…trust a stranger?”

 

Yuuri squeezed that hand.  “I know you even. If you are struggling to figure out who that is, I know you.  I don’t know if that helps.  I know what is real…and what is a masque.  I knew your happiness was covering something inside.”

 

A tear slipped down his cheek.  Finally, he whispered, “I’m not invisible.”

 

“No…you are not.  I think…you are just so used to putting everyone else before yourself…you forget to take care of you.”

 

Victor skated closer.  “Is it selfish…to ask for a hug?”

 

“No,” Yuuri murmured wrapping the other man in his embrace.  They stood like that for a few minutes when an alarm sounded from Yuuri’s phone.  “We need to shower and get on that train.”  Victor nodded, pulling away.

 

* * *

  

On the train, Victor pulled out his notebook and turned several pages.  Yuuri glimpsed some ugly scrawls.  The letters were unfamiliar, likely in Cyrillic.  But the emotion was raw.  Victor turned to the last page.  “This will be easy for me to find.”

 

Yuuri took out his phone and wrote down the information Victor needed.  He had introduced the day’s detail.  Akio. Ryoka. Takeo. Yasu, a woman. Tamotsu. Jiro, the youngest.  Victor knew the first two were Yuuri’s personal guards.  The rest watched over him.  He told Yuuri once more that he wished he’d split it more evenly.  Yuuri argued that the two guards had always handled the threats he faced in the past.

 

“There have been threats?”

 

“Not many.  A rabid fan or two.  One of Grandfather’s enemies thought to try and use me against him.  Also, I’m not without the skills to defend myself.”

 

“I…hadn’t thought about that.  I don’t know how…to fight.”

 

“I could teach you.  We could start with some basic defense skills.  Would that help?”

 

Victor looked over at him with surprise.  “I think…I’d like that.  A lot.  It will help me…to be more independent.”

 

“Good.  We can even call in the bodyguards and have the work with us.”  Yuuri smiled and Victor’s expression became serene.  Yuuri could see through the facade, and he felt the stress the younger man covered with that expression.  He settled his hand between them, offering but not crossing the space to take Victor’s.  He became aware minutes later when that other hand threaded into his.  Victor watched out the window, his shoulders tight.  Yuuri rubbed his thumb over Victor’s hand in a comforting motion.  He watched those silver lashes lower before he opened them and stared once more out the window.

 

* * *

 

 

Hashimoto greeted them and immediately picked up that something had changed in their dynamic.  He led them both into the room.  Victor moved purposefully to the seating area while Yuuri looked uncertainly between the sofa that Victor occupied and one of the two chairs.  It wasn’t until Victor met his eyes and touched the place next to him that Yuuri accepted the invitation.  Hashimoto watched this bizarre dance, hoping to understand what brought this change about.   _ Curious _ .

 

The psychologist brought the tea service and set it between them, offering each man a cup before settling back with his own.   “So tell me.  What has been happening?” he opened looking from one man to the other.

 

Yuuri dropped his eyes to the hands folded in his lap and waited for Victor.  Victor flicked his eyes over towards Yuuri’s folded hands then up to Hashimoto.  “We’ve…taken a step back,” Victor stated quietly.

 

_ Interesting _ .  “Okay.  What brought this about?” he prodded.

 

“I…need to learn how to be independent,” Victor began, his hand trembling slightly with his teacup.  “I don’t want to be…codependent.  It’s what held me prisoner for too long.  I need to figure out who I am before I can truly be part of a relationship.”

 

Hashimoto studied Victor for a few moments.  “You were struggling with definitions last visit.  Is this what you came to terms with?”

 

“Yes,” Victor confirmed.  “I’m still not certain about submission and how it applies to me but I know for sure that I do not want to be defined as codependent.  I want to move forward.  I…don’t want to be merely pleasing.  I want to take care of myself as well.”

 

Hashimoto took a sip of tea before responding.  “Those are very positive affirmations.  It sounds like you have had a breakthrough.”

 

“I think, though, it was at a cost.  I fell apart yesterday.”  He looked sadly towards Yuuri.  “And I hurt someone I care about.  Even if you understand, Yuuri, I hate that I hurt you.”

 

“I know,” Yuuri stated softly, reaching a reassuring hand out then pulling it back.  Victor thinned his lips as he watched that motion.  Hashimoto studied the two interacting nonverbally.  They were uncertain, not sure where their boundaries lay.

 

“In this step back, are you saying you are not going to pursue a relationship with Yuuri?” he clarified.

 

Victor looked up in surprise.  “N-no.  That’s not what I’m saying at all.  I want to be with Yuuri…but I don’t want to lose myself along the way.  And if I don’t understand myself, I’m in very real danger of doing just that.  I…disappeared for a few days.  I became  _ pleasing Victor _ , doing what I thought everyone wanted and trying to convince myself I was happy.  But…I’m not.  That’s not who I want to be.”

 

“Who do you want to be?” Hashimoto prompted.

 

Victor played with the ends of his braid as he answered, “I want to be…myself.  Not what everyone else wants me to be.  And I need space and time to figure out who that is.”

 

“This is true,” Hashimoto agreed.  “However, I’m picking up on something still unresolved between the two of you.  Do you want to talk about that?  Both of you?”

 

Yuuri looked up and offered a sober smile.  “I want Victor to find himself as well.  I worry that I hindered that by offering the wrong kind of support.  I want to respect his boundaries but I’m not certain where they lie at the moment.  So, I’m constantly second guessing myself.  I also worry that my anxiety will make an appearance and cause more struggles.”

 

Hashimoto nodded sharply before turning to the other man.  “Victor?”

 

“I am willing to discuss my boundaries, the hard and fast lines you mentioned as well as the gray areas.  On one hand, it would be easier if we were still just friends.  I don’t think we can go back to that place.  But I can’t be your boyfriend for now, I can’t be your partner.  So…we are more than friends?” he questioned, searching, quirking his lip in confusion.  “Less than lovers?  Is that a place?”  Victor looked uncertainly from Yuuri to Hashimoto.

 

Yuuri said nothing.  Just dipped his head in acquiescence.  Hashimoto picked up the dialog.  “I agree that it is hard to go back to friends…especially when you both appear to want more.  However, I also agree that a step back is crucial at this point.  Keeping an open dialog will help you both to be on the same page.  Let’s talk about boundaries.  Victor, since you initiated this, what are your hard and fast lines?”

 

Victor studied his cup of tea while he assembled his thoughts.  “No sex…not while I’m figuring things out.  It’s hard for me to not move into pleasing mode when sex is involved and I can’t not be intimately involved in other ways when sex is involved.”  He glanced at Yuuri and saw that the man was studying him cautiously, not totally closing himself off but not completely open either.  “I think…kissing is too intimate for now as well.  Definitely nothing on the lips.  Touching…anything on the arms and hands I’m fine with.  Anything else with permission.”  He felt a hand reach out and take his as if he opened a door that Yuuri thought was closed to him.  

“I need touching,” he confirmed, adding to that “Otherwise, I feel anxious and depressed.”

 

Hashimoto observed the hands tighten up around one another.  “Yuuri, what are your hard and fast lines?”

 

“On the physical?  I’m fine…with touching.  However, I agree that kissing can get out of hand quickly and blur the lines.  Sex, of course, should be off the table.  Honestly, that was assumed.  When…and if…you are ready to move this relationship forward, Victor, we can revisit those items.”  He heard Victor hiss with the more formal use of his name but the other man said nothing.  Yuuri thinned his lips before adding, “Diminutive names and endearments...hold a higher degree of intimacy.  I hope...you understand...if I can’t engage in them at this moment.”  Victor nodded, his eyes wide.

 

Hashimoto considered them both before making suggestions.  “About space.  Do you each have a place that is personal to you?”

 

“Yes,” they both echoed.

 

“Good.  I suggest that you maintain those lines and not enter into the other’s space unless invited.  Anything else?”

 

“Personal time.  I need time to myself if I’m going to figure this out,” Victor stated.  “I will maintain my coaching times with you, Yuuri.  Skating.  Dancing.  Those are needed.  However, I need time to myself.”

 

Yuuri nodded quietly.  “Perhaps I need to reestablish some of my personal routines as well.  It will help me to clear my head.”

 

Hashimoto looked from one to the other.  “Remember to keep talking.  Time to yourself does not mean a shut down in communication.”

 

They both nodded.  At this point Hashimoto focused on Victor.  “Have you looked into the [ Imagery Rehearsal Therapy](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/244829592_Imagery_Rehearsal_Therapy_Principles_and_Practice) we discussed?”

 

“A little google research,” Victor stated.  “I am concerned that what I read said it could cause issues with PTSD…which was suggested in the first session.”

 

Hashimoto took out a notebook and began to write notes as he spoke.  “Before we begin, I’ll start with an evaluation to determine whether you have obstacles such as PTSD triggers that would suggest we take another route.  My colleague Sasaki-sensei that referred you to me uses EMDR therapy to work with PTSD patients.  EMDR, or [ Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing](http://www.emdr-therapy.com/emdr.html) , is actually a useful tool for rapid healing of PTSD.  It is another therapy I would like us to look at but I’ve not completed the training to take you through the process myself.”  

 

Motioning to the room, he continued, “Here, we can work through Cognitive Behavior Therapy, or talk therapy, which can incorporate EMDR into the process if we decide to take that route.  During your next appointment, I’d like to focus on the evaluation process to determine what is the best course of action for you.  This may involve bringing in Sasaki-sensei.  However, I will remain as your primary therapist unless you indicate a need for a referral.”

 

“No.  I’m comfortable with you,” Victor protested.

 

“Good…because that’s the first requirement.  You need to be able to trust your therapist to move forward in treatment.  After evaluation, I may be adjusting the number of sessions to move you forward.  Also, if it involves Sasaki-sensei, we’ll have to work it into her schedule as well.  Are you ready to move forward?”

 

“Very!”

 

“Good.  Let’s talk about self-care in the meantime.  Continue journaling.  Increase connection with your family in Russia if it is safe.  Build on your support network here as well.  Exercise.  Relax…there are a number of techniques if you struggle with this.  Take time to yourself but don’t isolate yourself.  Avoid impairing substances such as alcohol or drugs.  And if caffeine impairs your sleep, reduce intake because rest is essential.”

 

“I only have coffee in the morning,” Victor assured him.  “Otherwise, herbal tea with Yuuri or water.”

 

“Good,” Hashimoto reinforced.  “Now, Yuuri.  Because of this step back, I’m going to ask you to not attend the next few sessions until invited back.  I know this may be difficult but empowering Victor is key to his independence.  If we need to look at couple’s therapy in the future, we can do that, but for now these sessions will focus on Victor and his recovery.”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips but nodded in agreement.  “Whatever is needed.  I still see Sasaki-sensei weekly for my own anxiety.  I want to support Victor in whatever way is best.  I don’t want to hinder his treatment.”

 

Hashimoto offered a small encouraging smile.  “Time.  That’s what we need.  Now, I’ve written down the other treatment for you to research, Victor.  Then we’ll discuss our course of action next Tuesday after we do a thorough evaluation.”  Glancing over to Yuuri, he added, “It will be a difficult session.  It would be best if someone accompanied him back home.”

 

“Tuesday is when I meet with Sasaki-sensei.  It should not be a problem,” Yuuri confirmed.

  

* * *

 

 

Victor was agitated on the train.  Yuuri reached over to take his hand and Victor grabbed hold of it.  Looking around he nodded to a couple of the guards to do a patrol.  “What’s wrong?” he whispered.

 

“I’m…not sure.  Maybe…because the decision of not bringing you along was taken from me.”

 

“I can still travel with you if you aren’t ready to make the journey on your own,” Yuuri reassured him.  “I can always browse around the bookstore while you are in your sessions.”

 

Victor nodded, still anxious.  Looking up as Akio and Takeo returned from their patrol.  “I guess…I’m never really alone when I’m out.”

 

“No, you are not,” Yuuri confirmed.

 

Victor took several deep breaths.  “It’s a lot of information.”

 

“I sometimes feel overwhelmed after a session.  What would calm your nerves more?  Skating, dancing, or taking a walk?”  Yuuri studied Victor trying to find the right course of action.

 

Victor focused on his hands, now hanging between his knees loosely.  “I think…I will skate.  We have to go to the rink to get our gear anyway.”

 

“It will be public session,” Yuuri reminded him.

 

Victor ran his fingers through his hair anxiously.  “No…I don’t want to be around people.  I…want to be alone.”

 

“Then tell me where you don’t want me to be,” Yuuri stated quietly.

 

Victor closed his eyes.  “I think…I’ll walk Makkachin.”

 

“Take your phone.  If you need me, call.”

 

“I will.”

  

* * *

 

 

Victor wandered along the shore lost in thought.  He was aware of his guard but they kept their distance.  Makkachin seemed to sense Victor needed her company and stayed close.   She periodically would brush against his hand, forcing Victor to tangle his fingers in her fur.  After wandering aimlessly, he sat down on a large rock and drew his knees to his chest.  Makkachin leaned against him.

 

“Everything I do eventually gets messed up, Makkachin.  I stay with Mikhail and he hurts me.  I leave Yuuri and it hurts both of us.”  Hugging Makka up between his legs, he buried his face into the poodle’s fur.  “I miss Yuuri.  I know I need to do this but that doesn’t make it easy.  Every moment I spend with him makes me want more.”

 

Makkachin lifted her nose and licked his cheek, using her nose against his neck to ground him.

 

“God, I’m thankful I have you, Makka.  You’ve been my one constant through everything since I lost my mother.”  He bent over and cried bitter tears of anguish.  He didn’t notice Takeo moving closer but keeping a respectful distance.

  

* * *

 

 

Yuuri entered the dance studio and clicked on [ music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDYQdp3-bhI) to dance off his own misery.  Stepping onto the floor with the piano music surrounding him, he slipped into another zone, turning, bending, embracing the song in loose movements, unstructured, spitting out his emotion like venom, hot tears flowing down his face.  He hated this.  The session ripped him apart but he couldn’t show it.  He had no relief.  He danced.

 

Looking at the phone he waited, hoping Victor would call.  Hours later, he left exhausted.  Makkachin greeted him at the door and he knew Victor was home.  His mother pointed towards the meditation garden, her expression worried.

 

Yuuri found Victor, the younger man’s red eyes telling.  He was certain his own matched.  They were both miserable.  Their eyes met and held.  Victor dropped his gaze first, focusing on the meditation garden.  Yuuri brushed a reassuring hand against Victor’s arm as if saying ‘I’m here...I know you want to be alone but I’m here if you need me.’  He offered a sad smile before returning, leaving the other to his solitude.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's rough...and it will be for a little bit longer. Just bear with me.


	23. Fight for You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little conflict as old arguments come back up...and a little more of Victor's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, BluSkates...you put in some time editing my chapters. I really appreciate you.

* * *

  

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.

 

* * *

 

[ Fight for You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aSOQRih6WY)

 

The next morning they met in the kitchen, ready to run and skate.  Yuuri placed a dish in front of Victor and handed him a cup of coffee before sitting across the table with his breakfast and cup of tea.  “We’ll skate this morning but Grandfather wants us to meet him for lunch at two.”

 

Victor looked up surprised.  “Both of us?”

 

“Yes, do you mind?” Yuuri asked with a frown.  “Do you not want to go?”

 

Victor’s mouth opened in protest.  “I…I didn’t think you would want me there…with all that’s going on.”

 

Yuuri shrugged, taking a sip of his tea.  “Grandfather may pick up there is a bit of strain between us but he’ll likely chalk it up to new relationships.  It will be fine.  He asked for you.”

 

“Okay.  Then…I should go.”  Victor chewed his lip uncertainly before eating his breakfast.

 

* * *

  

Victor skated through his short program first but his emotions weren’t into it.  “Can I switch to _King_ ?” he asked, skating to where Yuuri stood.  “I think…I can capture the spirit of that song better.  I am just not feeling _Eros_.”

 

A small, understanding smile answered the silver haired man.  “Of course.  Let me switch it.”  Soon _King_ was playing through the speakers.  Victor skated through it from start to finish twice as Yuuri filmed it for a critique later.

 

Edging to Yuuri’s side, breathless, Victor asked, “Will you skate your program?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  His short program represented his past…when something was missing.   He looked wistful, wondering if Victor would be his future.  He wanted him to be, he still felt a part of his life, just on the boundary, edging the periphery.  But his anxiety kept the question teasing at the back of his mind.  Does Victor want him as a part of his life?  He still hadn’t shown Victor the long program.  He’d unveil it in time.  For now, his short program[ Chain of Memories](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1EVoAaJFbE) played wrapping its melancholy sound around him, enveloping him.  It was so very appropriate for his mood on this day.

 

For so long, Yuuri was lost within himself, afraid to take a chance, afraid to risk losing everything.  His hesitance kept him drowning, lost in his own self-doubt, shying away from love over and over.  He wanted…Victor.  Always…Victor.  And now he worried he would lose…what he’d never found.  Until now.  It was so close, just out of reach.   _Do you not see my love, Vitya?  I’d give you everything, every single piece of me,_ anata _._  He paused his thoughts as he landed the jump.   _But you never said you didn’t love me.  You only said you needed to love_ yourself… _before you could love_ me _.  I’ll wait for you.  I waited this long.  Because…for me there is only you._

 

When he stilled, his eyes rested on Victor who sat in the stands, his knees drawn to his chest.  Yuuri knew that look.  He did this when his emotions were too strong, overwhelming him, pulling in like a shield.  He skated to the edge.  “Vitya?”

 

“I-I’m okay,” the younger man murmured. “Your program…it’s much more powerful than in the past.  I could feel the song vibrating off of me.”

 

“So…no critique?” Yuuri asked quietly.

 

“I…didn’t pay attention to the technicalities,” Victor admitted.  “I was drawn in by the emotion.  I think…Yuuko filmed it.”

 

Yuuri turned, not realizing Yuuko had joined them.  “Hello, Yuuko-chan.  How are the girls?”

 

“With my mother.  I needed a day off,” she admitted.  “Victor asked if I’d film it so he could focus on watching you skate.  I hope that’s okay.”

 

“Of course.  Thank you,” he answered, accepting his phone from his friend.  “We’ll look them over this evening,” he added as he turned to Victor.  “Let’s get ready for lunch with Grandfather.”  The other man unfolded himself and nodded.

 

Victor seemed shy and Yuuri held back, not wanting to intrude on his space.  They entered the locker room and Victor moved to the opposite end to undress and shower.  Yuuri thinned his lips.  He wanted to go to him, to pull the Russian into his arms.  Victor stayed just out of reach.

 

Once they showered and groomed, they stashed their gear into lockers, planning to walk directly to where they would meet Katsuki Takehiko.

 

* * *

  

The old restaurant was partitioned into rooms for privacy.  Yuuri and Victor were guided to the room where Grandfather waited for them.  The patriarch greeted them warmly, motioning for them to sit.

 

“I’ve ordered already,” he announced.

 

Yuuri smiled warmly.  “Of course you did, Sofu.”

 

“Have you been skating?” the old man asked noting the flush still present on Yuuri’s cheeks.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I’m working on a program I’m hoping to debut at Nationals.”

 

“That’s good to hear.  I would miss seeing you on the ice.  You are far too young and talented to retire.”

 

Yuuri smiled indulgently.  “I never planned to retire.  Not yet.  Hopefully I have three or four more years in me.”

 

The meal continued to go smoothly until the third course when Victor who had been chewing on a thought finally spoke up.  “Sir, I know you’ve provided a security detail for Yuuri and myself.  Yuuri has weighed that detail heavily on myself leaving himself with only two to watch over him.”

 

The old man raised an eyebrow.  Yuuri’s jaw tightened into a stubborn set.  “Two has always been enough,” Yuuri stated tightly.

 

“I disagree,” Victor pressed, turning towards the older skater.  “You think Mikhail would only hurt me.  However, you took away his _possession_.  He could retaliate against you.  I’m not sure what other threats you face, but this one I know.  Mikhail is not to be underestimated.”

 

The old man looked from one to another.  Something has changed in the meek Russian.  Perhaps the boy has a backbone after all.  He knew his grandson.  Although Yuuri would never intentionally hurt those around him, he has a stubborn streak.  That stubbornness fed into his success but it often caused him to be careless about his own safety.  It was a familiar argument, one he himself had with his grandson more than once.  “Yuuri, I believe there is merit in your friend’s argument.  I can spare a few more men.”

 

Yuuri gave an exasperated sigh.  “I don’t need more men,” he gritted.  “I’ve discussed this over and over, with both of you.”

 

His grandfather raised his eyebrow.  “Indulge me, then,” he suggested.  “It will allow an old man to sleep better at night…and perhaps your partner as well.”

 

Yuuri shot a look to his grandfather knowing he’d been properly manipulated in a corner.  “Fine,” he relented.  “But only when we go out of town.  Fukuoka on Tuesdays and Fridays and when we start to travel for competitions.  There are enough of your people scattered about town that I know you always have several pairs of eyes on me.”

 

The old man nodded before looking at Victor.  “Will this settle things with you as well, Victor-san?”

 

“Yes, sir.  Thank you for hearing me.”

 

The old man unexpectedly covered Victor’s hand.  “I understand that my grandson can be stubborn.  However, in this matter I readily agreed.  And please, call me Sofu or Grandfather.”  Takehiko shot a look at Yuuri from the corner of his eyes and knew only polite Japanese manners prevented the other man from rolling his eyes.  He allowed himself the luxury of amusement.

 

Victor’s hand trembled but he nodded, speechless for a moment.  “Of course…”  He hesitated uncertainly, peeking up from beneath his lashes. “Grandfather.”  The old man smiled happily in response and Victor visibly relaxed.

 

* * *

 

 

They walked back in silence.  Victor kept casting glances in Yuuri’s direction, fear starting to creep up his spine.  Finally, he couldn’t hold back.  “Yuuri?”

 

“It’s fine,” Yuuri stated, his voice still tight.

 

Victor reached out and grabbed Yuuri’s arm.  The other man froze in his steps.  “You are angry,” he acknowledged, jerking his hand back uncertainly.

 

“I’m allowed to be angry,” he answered, his jaw set.  Victor flinched and Yuuri felt remorse that he caused this.  He took several breaths, calming himself, closing his eyes.  Finally he turned to look at Victor.  “Even if I am angry, I will not hurt you.  I’ll never raise a hand against you.” Sighing, he added, “We won’t always agree.  And I know I can be stubborn.  However…it is good that you feel you can stand up to me.  I will never hold it against you.”  Yuuri shrugged, offering a small smile as he warned, “I may pout, though.  I have a petulant side when I don’t get my way.  It doesn’t mean that I should.  I’m strong willed.  Sometimes I close myself off to other arguments.”

 

“Sometimes you’re wrong,” Victor stated quietly.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I know.  Let’s let it go.  You won this argument but I don’t keep score.  It really is…fine.”

 

Victor smiled, tiny but present, returning his hand to Yuuri’s arm.  “I couldn’t do this…before.  Stand up to…him.”

 

“I want you to stand up to me, to fight me if necessary,” Yuuri stated firmly.  A part of him warmed to the fact that Victor would defy him…and defy him in defense of himself.  Even if Victor was withholding the words, this action shouted love.  He reinforced Victor’s actions with his next words, “I should not be allowed to run roughshod over you.  I just didn’t expect this to be the fight you’d pick.  I know it must be important for you to push me to that extent.  Therefore, I will relent.  I’ll accept the compromise Grandfather and I discussed.”

 

“Thank you,” Victor whispered.  Yuuri reached up a hand and covered Victor’s hand on his arm.  That reassurance tugged another smile from the blonde.  He dropped his head but Yuuri caught a glimpse of the shy smile and Victor biting his lip as it fell.

 

“Do you want to dance?”  Yuuri watched Victor shift.  Victor lifted his eyes and Yuuri could see the uncertainty.  “Would you prefer time to yourself?” he offered alternatively.  “I’ve monopolized most of your day.”

 

Victor nodded.  “It’s just that…” he began, his words fading.

 

“It’s okay,” Yuuri reassured him.  “I know you are working through this, that you need time.  It’s just easy for me to slip into old habits, keeping you close.  If I...overstep...feel free to call me on it.  There is no pressure.”

 

Victor tilted his eyes up, a smile playing at his lips.  “I will try not to hide away so long.  Perhaps...we can have a late dinner?”

 

“How about eight?  Home or somewhere out?”

 

“I’ll meet you at Minako’s,” Victor answered.  “The bar, not the studio,” he answered.

 

Yuuri nodded, watching the man slip away but warmed by the promise of later.

 

* * *

  

The trail behind the Inn held more than fireflies Victor discovered as he explored it that afternoon.  He found a platform with a bench railing further down the trail.  He laid down on it and stared at the clouds for awhile.  Victor sat up and wrapped his arms around Makkachin as he watched the butterflies flutter around the wildflowers.

 

_Who am I?_

 

Victor shifted uncertainly.  Every time he asked that question, he felt more broken and fragile.  Maybe it’s the wrong question.

 

_Who do I want to be?_

 

_I want to be more._

 

_For the longest time, the only part of me that I’ve owned has been my figure skating.  I love skating.  I don’t want to give that up.  But...I want to be more._

 

_Do I want to go to college?_

 

_Not really._

 

_How do I expand on myself?  What makes me more?  What do I like to do?_

 

_I like dancing with Yuuri, helping him build a program, designing the costume to go with it, thinking about the makeup, how I’d fix my hair.  It’s more than just skating, it’s creating._

 

_I need to create._

 

_I want to know the whole process._

 

_What else?_

 

_Where else do I feel so comfortable?_

 

_Cooking with Hiroko.  It...calms me.  I enjoy finding new recipes.  I love watching her dance while she prepares a meal, listening to her tell stories of her family, the sense of family._

 

_I cooked with my mama.  Hiroko makes me think of her, Anastasia Nikiferova, before she became ill, before she started to slip away from me.  I didn’t even know she was sick at first.  Mama.  Why didn’t you tell me?  You were there...then you were gone._

 

_How long did you live with that secret?  Hodgkin’s Disease.  It should have been treatable, survivable.  Maybe you held onto that hope...until you couldn’t hold onto it any longer.  You spent your life setting me up for mine._

 

_Did I squander it?_

 

_I’ve lost three years.  I don’t plan to lose any more.  I want...fullness.  I don’t want to shrink back in fear._

 

He sighed to Makka, turning their steps back towards the inn.  He returned to his room and cleaned up.  Looking at his phone, he knew it was time to head towards Minako’s.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor found Yuuri seated at the bar talking with Minako and drying glasses.  He looked up and smiled as the silver haired man approached.  Victor took the seat next to him.

 

“What will you drink?” Minako asked.

 

Victor frowned.  “What do you recommend?  Just to take the edge off of my thoughts.”

 

She reached up and took a glass down and filled it with a liquid she called shochu.  Victor tasted the drink and appreciated the earthy flavor, nodding with approval.  Soon they had a plate with karaage and another dish was placed between them holding goma-ae.  They dipped the vegetables into the sesame dressing provided as they talked casually with Minako.  

 

Victor found himself relaxing into the atmosphere, when he heard the word behind him.  The inflection was present but Victor could not mistake the loan word - _gei_.  He glanced towards Yuuri and knew his...partner?...was very aware of what was being said even if Victor only had a hint.  Minako stepped forward and demanded they leave.  A few more words were tossed back and forth and Yuuri found himself rising to stand beside Minako.

  
Victor watched, darting his eyes back and forth.  He knew fighting was frowned upon by the ISU.  He also knew this situation was escalating.  He glanced around and caught the eye of his bodyguards and nodded in the direction of Yuuri.  They nodded and stood their ground, indicating they were aware.

 

It took a signal from Yuuri to indicate they were to step forward.  Azumi and Kimiko placed their hands on the two belligerent men.  Words were exchanged in Japanese.  Shinoba and a couple of other bodyguards stepped forward to make it more convincing.  The two men were escorted from the bar before Minako returned behind the bar and Yuuri took his seat.

 

“I’m sorry, Victor,” Minako apologized.  “Those were the men that Mari-san fought the other night.”

 

Victor’s mouth opened and he turned to look at Yuuri.  The brunette smiled reassuringly.  “It would have been fine.  I just prefer not to fight because of regulations.  I have bodyguards for a reason.”

 

“What were they saying?” Victor asked flatly.

 

Yuuri sighed, shifting awkwardly.  “They were talking about you,” he answered quietly.  “Calling you a lady and a few derogatory words.  That’s when Minako asked them to leave.  It was when they...threatened you that I stepped in.  Apparently the talk they received by Grandfather’s men wasn’t enough.  We’ll stay here until the rest of our guard returns, then we’ll walk home.”

 

“You were willing...to fight for me?”

 

“If needed, without question.  You would fight for me,” he stated with certainty.

 

Victor studied his drink, his emotions whirling around him, heaviness settling on his shoulders.

 

“Are you...upset with me?” Yuuri asked uncertainly.

 

Victor hesitated but then shook his head.  “I’m just upset it happened at all,” he whispered quietly.  “I thought...here we wouldn’t have to deal with this.  It gets bad in Russia.  Worse than this.  But...I didn’t know...I guess there is bigotry everywhere.”

 

“I’m sorry...I would prefer you never see the ugly side of life,” Yuuri murmured.  He spotted Kimiko entering with the others.  “Do you want to go home?”

 

Victor nodded.

 

Yuuri paid the bill.  The guard stayed close for the walk home.  Victor was quiet, the easy mood lost between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...interest makes me post faster. I've got it written to 26. Comments, shares, and kudos. Let me see you.


	24. Incomplete

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri fight through their own inner battles...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, BluSkates, for the edits!

* * *

 

[ Incomplete](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=444IEF3_KSQ)

 

Yuuri frowned, drawing to a stop on the ice as he glanced towards the door.  No sign of Victor.  Akio already contacted Takeo to set Yuuri’s mind at ease.  Still, it wasn’t good for Victor to avoid skating.  He woke up that morning to find Makka and Victor both gone, freshly washed dishes next to the sink indicating he had breakfast and left.  Yuuri made breakfast and went on a five mile run before arriving at the rink.  No sign of Victor.  Two hours passed and still no sign of Victor.

 

He pulled his phone out and texted.

 

**_Yuuri/ Are you skating?_ **

 

Yuuri stared at the screen for far too long while waiting for a reply.  It wasn’t until he was putting the phone away that it finally vibrated in his hand.  He took it out and read the message.

 

**_Vitya/ I will later.  Talking with Yakov._ **

 

 _Oh.  It was Sunday._  Where did their week go?

 

 _To Hell_ …or at least that was his initial answer.  Things seemed to ease up between them...until the problem at the bar.  The ugliness of the outside world and the bigotry of some people caused Victor to withdraw into himself.  Yuuri reminded himself that this was good for Victor.  He needed the space.   _Independence_ .  He needed independence.  “Vitya,” he whispered under his breath, pushing through the heaviness.  Well, if it was going to be awhile, it was a good time to rehearse his free skate.  Inserting the [ music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1mkYWkoXyo), he sighed.  This was going to be hard.  He closed his eyes.

 

A love letter.

 

To Vitya.

 

Written in a language both of them spoke.

 

The music began.  He opened his eyes, focusing on the initial movements, feeling the emotion, lifting his head as the words flowed.  He allowed his arms to sweep outwards and then into a motion of prayer.  Sweeping out into a beautiful motion, transitioning into the first jump, he let his thoughts slide into the words.  

 

_With you, Vitya, I’m so undone.  If you let me in, to love you, I will always choose you, forever…I know it seems fast for you…but I’ve loved you for the last five years.  I want to support you, lift you, be a part of you.  You are my journey, Vitya…you are my life, my love, anata._

 

Lifting his head, he saw Yuuko standing next to the barrier, tears running down her cheeks.

 

She pulled her hands up to her cheeks.  “Oh, Yuuri!  That was so beautiful!”

 

Yuuri skated to the edge.  “Just don’t breathe a word of it to Victor.  I haven’t shared it with him yet.”  Closing his eyes, he swallowed before his voice broke.  “It’s so messed up right now, Yuuko.”

 

She placed a hand on his arm.  “Yuuri…you have to believe in your love.  He will come back around.”

 

“What if I completely pushed him away?  He didn’t come to skate this morning.  He’s already pushed me so far out.  Skating was our safe zone.”

 

“Yuuri…you have to give him time.”  She squeezed his arm.  “I’ve seen the way he looks at you when you aren’t looking.  That love hasn’t diminished.  He’s working through something but he’s trusting you to be there when he comes out the other side.”

 

“I will,” Yuuri whispered.  He drew a shuddering breath.

 

That afternoon, Victor skated through his programs while Yuuri critiqued them.   _Eros_ seemed broken and forlorn.   _King_ was better but still the sadness wound around it like a cancer.  Yuuri felt broken for Victor, seeing his love’s pain in his skating, recognizing his own pain in the movements.  How did it come to this?

  

* * *

 

 

Victor held onto Makka’s leash as he made yet another journey around the town, his thoughts as circular as his walks.  He’d avoided skating that morning using Yakov as an excuse, unable to face Yuuri in the state of mind he woke up with.  It had barely improved when he met Yuuri that afternoon.  He knew his mood was rolling off of him and worried how it was affecting Yuuri.  He hated that Yuuri blamed himself for the state in which Victor found himself.

 

What…could he do?

 

Where…could he go?

 

Who…could reach him?

 

Victor lost himself once more in the evening air, wandering aimlessly as he struggled through his thoughts, the feeling of being lost.  He knew he should talk to Yuuri.  He didn’t know what to say.  He was no closer to figuring things out then when he fell apart Thursday.  If anything, he was worse.  He felt trapped in the crash of emotions, drowning.

 

Once more he found himself alone at the beach.  He took a deep breath in.  It burned, a sharp feeling shuddered through his chest.  Is this what heartbreak felt like?  He didn’t feel this with Mikhail _.  I didn’t love Mikhail._  Victor’s eyes widened, startled in the realization.   _I never loved him._

_I love Yuuri._

 

_But what do I have to offer him?_

 

_Who am I?_

 

_I’m…lost._

 

Victor dropped down into the sand and drew his knees to his chest, sobs shuddering through him.  He remained like that, sobbing for what seemed like an eternity.

 

A hand slid down his back and he looked up in surprise.  Yuuri stood behind him.  Just barely in reach.  Grounding him.  Victor turned, climbing up Yuuri’s body, reaching for him, burying himself in Yuuri’s chest.  The other man held onto him, silent but sure, supporting him as he broke down, bearing his shudders even though he himself felt pain.  It wasn’t fair.  But Victor couldn’t turn away.  He clung to the other man.

 

They walked back in silence.  Victor held onto Makka’s leash with one hand and Yuuri’s hand in the other.  Not a word passed between them.  He didn’t know how Yuuri knew he needed him…but suspected it had something to do with Takeo.

 

They arrived at the house and Yuuri unhooked Makkachin from her leash, hanging it up as Victor removed his shoes.  Yuuri added his own shoes to the rack, straightening Victor’s automatically, his hand lingering on them a moment, his expression unreadable.  Victor waited.  He needed Yuuri’s presence to ground him.

 

Yuuri looked up and held out his hand.  Victor held onto it and they walked quietly up the stairs.  They walked past Yuuri’s door and when they approached Victor’s, Yuuri turned him down an odd juncture in the hallway.  Reaching up, he pulled down a set of folding steps.  He led the way then turned and held his hand out to Victor.  Victor followed.

 

Yuuri led him past piles of storage boxes until they came to a futon below a window.  Sitting, he patted a place next to him before turning to open the window.  “This is my safe place,” Yuuri murmured, finally breaking the silence.  “I have several.  I retreat and dance at the studio when frustrated or angry.  Or I skate off my anxiety at the rink.  This…is where I hide when the world crashes around me, when my sorrows are too great.  My sister knows when I am ‘cleaning the attic’ it means the space in my head…although I literally duck up into the attic to do so.  I’ve noticed you retreat to the beach.”

 

“The sound of the ocean reminds me of home…especially when I hear the seagulls.”

 

“Are you homesick?”

 

“That’s…part of it.  I’m finding it hard to figure out who I am so far from anything familiar.  That seems…strange to say.  Since I’ve come here you and your family have done everything to make me feel at home.  I don’t want to return to Russia.  But…I feel…homeless.  Lost.”  Victor felt the tears shuddering through his chest and he pressed his hand against his sternum.  Yuuri reached for him and pulled him into the space between his legs, both men turned to face the window and, through it, the moon.  He felt Yuuri’s breathing through his back, that breath providing a rhythm, steady and constant, grounding him.

 

“When I was in Detroit, for a long time I had a disconnect.  I didn’t speak the language well and it was a struggle to follow conversations with the native speakers.  Yet, I knew some words, enough to get by.  I cannot imagine what you are going through.”

 

“I’ve picked up some phrases.  Some are too difficult to decipher.  Japanese is so complicated, so abstract at times.”

 

“Sometimes…I struggle with English because the words don’t go far enough; it lacks the ability to adequately state the complex thought in my head.  I stumble through a mixture of English and Japanese trying to get the idea out.”

 

Victor relaxed in Yuuri’s arm.  He needed this touch.  He found his eyes closing.  Yuuri remained still, quiet, holding him, his fingers on Victor’s forearms drawing slow circles on his skin.  Victor felt himself calming, his chest losing the tightness that seemed clamped down around it all day.

 

“You’re in mourning,” Yuuri said finally.

 

Victor’s eyes fluttered open.  “What do you mean?”

 

“You haven’t taken the time to mourn the life you left behind.”

 

“It was a nightmare…why would I m-?”

 

“It wasn’t all a nightmare.  You had a family.  You had a past, a history.  Familiar places.  Things stripped away from you one at a time, bit by bit.  I didn’t recognize it at first.  You couldn’t give into it until you finally felt safe.”

 

Victor’s lips parted.  “That’s why I can’t seem to stop crying?”

 

“Part of it,” Yuuri confirmed.  “The rest of it…you miss us.  Just as I do.”

 

Victor sniffed and nodded.

 

“I haven’t gone anywhere, Vic-Vitya.  I’m still here.  Trust that I will be here when you get through this.  There is nowhere else I want to be.”

 

“I…don’t want to be anywhere else, either,” Victor whispered.

 

Yuuri tightened his arms around Victor’s waist and the younger man could feel the press of Yuuri’s cheek against his head, felt the brush of a nose and knew he was fighting the urge to kiss him.  He craved that kiss but knew it would be his downfall.  It was too soon.  Victor slid his hand over the top of Yuuri’s hand.  He needed this, though, if only to help him hold it together.

 

“Thank you,” Victor whispered.  “For sharing your secret place with me.  For finding me in the darkness.”

 

“I will always seek you out, I can’t leave you to wander in the darkness,” Yuuri murmured, his cheek resting against Victor’s head.  “I want to help you find your way to the light but I know I can’t…so I will ground you so that you can find strength to continue your journey through that darkness.”

 

“It’s more than I deserve,” Victor whispered.

 

Yuuri’s arms tightened once more.  “It’s everything you deserve,” he insisted in a harsh whisper.

 

Victor lowered his head, feeling fresh tears…but different.  These tears felt like they were cleansing him, washing away the pain that he had struggled through that day.  He knew Yuuri hurt as well and wished he had the strength to return the support.

 

“I’m okay,” Yuuri whispered as if reading his mind.  “I have friends, family.  I just need to know you are okay.”

 

“I-I am.”  He still had a long journey but it now felt in reach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are loving this progression as much as I am. 
> 
> I love comments, kudos, and shares! :) Thank you for reading.


	25. Hold Back the River

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares and o-nigiri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by something BluSkates said to me in conversation...I hope you enjoy our creation. Thank you for editing, Blu.

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Hold Back the River](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqiH0ZSkM9I)

 

Yuuri and Victor walked quietly back to the train.  Victor was lost in thought after their appointments.   Finally, he reached out and grabbed Yuuri’s arm. “Yuuri.  Stop.”

 

The other man stilled his steps and turned towards Victor, concern written across his face.   “What is it, Vitya?”

 

“I need…someplace to process…everything.  I can’t face the train…and all of those people.”

 

Yuuri considered his surroundings before nodding.  “Let me take you to the pier.  It’s not so crowded and the sound of the ocean and seagulls might calm you.”

 

Victor offered him a small smile and nodded.  Threading his fingers into Yuuri’s, he followed the brunette as he turned their steps.  They stopped at the edge of a dock and Yuuri dropped down to sit, dangling his legs over the edge.  Victor glanced around, seeing a couple of older men fishing, a family walking around with the children pointing in the distance, the bodyguards studying their surroundings.  Finally, Victor joined Yuuri, dropping his legs over the edge.

 

Yuuri reached over and entangled their fingers once more.  “Do you want to talk or the quiet?” he offered softly.

 

Victor drew his breath in and let it out slowly.  “He’s going to increase my appointments, adding in a day…with Sasaki.  I have [ C-PTSD ](http://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-c-ptsd) because of the prolonged abuse.  He believes the best way to deal with my PTSD is through the EMDR therapy.  He’s going to do this in conjunction with the talk therapy. If the nightmares persist, we’ll look at the other approach but he feels the EMDR will help me through them both.”

 

“Do you know when your appointment with Sasaki-sensei will be?”

 

Victor shook his head.  “His receptionist will call me but he asks that I be flexible.  I don’t know…practice, competitions are looming.  How are we going to get it all together?”

 

Yuuri squeezed his hand.  “We can practice in the evening if necessary.  After open skate.  And on the days they are closed, we can practice anytime.  Are you…okay with competing?”

 

Victor nodded.  “I need to compete.  I can’t let him win,” he stated emphatically.

 

A smile came to Yuuri’s lips at the assertion.  “Then we’ll find a way to make it all happen.”  Yuuri studied the ocean and started when he felt Victor drawing closer to his side.  His fingers slipped out of Victor’s and went around the younger man’s waist, resting on his hip.  Victor mirrored the action resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder.

 

After the train delivered them back home they skated until dinner, returning to the rink after their meal.  They fell into their respective beds exhausted. But Yuuri could see improvement in Victor’s skating, as if a fog had been lifted, emotion returning, the story starting to solidify once more.

 

Yuuri woke up, reaching for his glasses, and his eyes could see Victor standing by the door, his eyes hollow, fear vibrating down his body.   _Another nightmare._  He started to raise the blanket to invite him in.   _No.  That’s where this went wrong.  This is not the appropriate response._  He pushed the blankets back and swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

 

Walking towards Victor, he pulled the man into an embrace.  “Nightmare?”  He felt a nod against his neck.  “How about I fix you a cup of tea?”  He felt Victor step back and look up at him in surprise.  His features relaxed and he nodded once more.  Yuuri took his hand and guided him down the stairs.

 

They entered the kitchen and Victor sat across the bar from him.  Yuuri heated the water while he selected an appropriate blend.  “This is what my mother fixed for me when I woke up with bad dreams,” Yuuri murmured.  “I had night terrors when I was little.”

 

“I didn’t know that,” Victor whispered.  “Do you know what caused it?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “It started after I spent a week in the hospital.  I became really ill...running a high fever.  They never figured out what caused it although I was checked for everything from meningitis to leukemia.  The spinal tap was the scariest part.  Not because of what they did but because I couldn’t see them.  My mother was holding my hand and watching them.  Then, I saw her turn pale and pass out.  All they could determine was my white cell count was up.  They called it a virus…but they could never give us any true explanations.”

 

“How old were you?”

 

“Around six.  I was quite small.”  He placed the cup before Victor.  “Try this.”

 

Victor sipped the white tea mixture before nodding in approval.  Yuuri took his own cup and sat across from him.  “Would it help to talk about it?”

 

Victor thought about it and shrugged.  “Maybe.”  He took another sip and drew a shaky breath.  “Some nights, it’s just memories.  I’m back there, reliving some torment or torture he dragged me through, but I wake up and as I realize where I am, I know I came through it.  I’m okay.  That’s been the last few nights.  I could turn over and go back to sleep.  Tonight, though,” Victor paused, a shiver sliding over him, “is like the first time I came to your side, Yuuri. It’s…the future…a possibility.  Somehow in those dreams he gets me away from you.  Sometimes, in the dream, he…hurts you,” Victor takes in a sharp breath, fighting off a sob.  “I don’t know how many times you’ve been shot in my dreams.”

 

Yuuri took a quick intake of breath realizing now why it was so important to Victor that he up his guard.  Victor continued in a stuttered whisper.  “He…hurts me but in those dreams, I feel trapped, like there is no more escape, Yuuri.  I wake up terrified, unable to shake it off.”

 

Yuuri leaves his cup on the counter and walks around to pull Victor in his arms, the trembling shaking the Russian to his foundation.  “I’m here.  It’s okay.  You’re safe.”

 

“I know,” Victor responds, his head buried in Yuuri’s chest.  “I’m safe for now.  That’s the problem.  I don’t…believe it will last forever.  I feel like I’m storing moments, waiting for it all to come to an end.  I…couldn’t bear it if something happened to you, Yuuri.  I’d never recover.”

 

Yuuri stepped back, taking Victor’s face in his hands.  “Nothing’s going to happen to me,” Yuuri tried to reassure him.

 

Victor smiled weakly.  “I know…you want to believe that.   _I_ want to believe that.  But…I’m afraid.  I…I love you,” he stated, his hand coming up to rest on Yuuri’s chest.

 

Yuuri realized at this point that the hard and fast boundaries were gone.  He leaned forward, needing to kiss him.  He brushed one kiss then another, Victor responding, keeping the kisses on the surface, just tasting each other’s presence, each other’s love, grounding themselves.

 

At some point, they realized they were dancing, slowly swaying back and forth in one another’s arms, dancing to some soft melody that flowed between their hearts, unheard by anyone but felt by both of them.  Victor’s head nestled into the crook of Yuuri’s neck.

 

After he calmed, Yuuri walked Victor back up the stairs, tucking him into his bed.  With a tender brush of his fingers across Victor’s cheek, he slipped from the younger man’s room, leaving him to sleep.  Pursing his lips, he remembered the cups and went back down to clean up before returning to his own bed.

 

* * *

  

They wrapped up skating practice early the next morning as Yuuri called a halt.  “Let’s break until tomorrow.”  Victor started to protest but Yuuri raised a hand.  “No, you are tired.  I don’t want to risk injury.  We’ll return tomorrow.  If you want to work on choreography, we can go to Minako’s place.”

 

Victor hesitated then nodded.  “I just want to be ready.”

 

“Trust me, Vitya.  You will be.  We’ve got enough time.”  Yuuri squeezed his hand.  “Go change.”  Yuuri pulled off his skates and put them in his bag.  He wore sweats and a long sleeved red t-shirt that day under his jacket.  He pulled his gloves off and dropped them into the bag with his skates.  He could feel his own exhaustion, emotionally drained from the week they had struggled through.  Victor was slowly opening back up to him.  Then…they kissed.

 

Victor dropped down next to him.  “What’s wrong?”

 

Yuuri smiled, taking his hand.  “Overthinking.  It’s fine.”  Looking up at Victor, he pursed his lips.  “Do you want to go out?  On a date?”

 

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise.  “We haven’t…done that.  How did we skip that?”

 

“We spend so much time together that intimacy grew before we were ready.  Let me take you out.  I’ll pick you up at your door.”

 

“Where?  What do you want to do?” Victor fired off questions excitedly tugging a smile at Yuuri’s lips.

 

Yuuri touched Victor’s lips.  “Shhh.  Let it be a surprise.  Dress for a casual date, informal.”

 

Victor smiled drawing his shoulders together, closing his eyes.  “I’d like that.  I love surprises.”  Pleasure vibrated off of him and Yuuri couldn’t help but smile.  “When?”

 

“Is tonight too soon?”

 

Victor shook his head.  “No,” he giggled.  “My coach called practice so I should be free,” he teased.

 

Yuuri grinned in response.  “You’ll have fun.  Trust me.”

 

* * *

  

Minako provided him with a great date suggestion.  His mother found him in the kitchen assembling a meal.  She chuckled, slipping an arm around him.  “Do you want my help?”  Yuuri explained what he wanted and they worked side by side, humming with a bit of a dance in their step.

 

His father met him on the stairs and pressed a bottle in his hand.  “Here,” he insisted.  “You need wine for a date.”  Yuuri smiled and thanked his father.

 

Yuuri sat in his room a nervous wreck when he heard the door open and close.  A cup of tea was placed before him and he looked up to see Mari.  He gave her an appreciative smile.  “What was I thinking?  I don’t know what to do on a date.”

 

His sister chuckled warmly.  “You’ll do fine.  The man is already smitten with you.  You are just showing your appreciation.”

 

“I…suppose.   What if he hates what I have planned?”

 

“The boy loves just sitting in the garden with you, walking along the beach with you.  I think whatever you have planned will be wonderful.  Relax.”

 

Yuuri looked up as if to say _have you forgotten who I am_ ?  He turned back to his closet, pulling out another shirt, then shaking his head and returning it back to the rod.  Finally, he felt hands on his shoulder.  “Sit, little brother.  Let me pick your [ outfit](http://1.blog.xuite.net/1/e/9/5/15073225/blog_1412796/txt/26659072/11.jpg).”  Soon he had a maroon sweater, light colored patterned button up, and brown pants.

 

Yuuri raised an eyebrow.  “Are you sure?”

 

“It’ll be cool tonight.  You’ll appreciate the sweater.  And if it gets too warm, then just tie it around your shoulders or waist.”

 

Yuuri nodded, pulling on the clothes, picking up the shoes she laid out to go with it and carrying them with him.

 

He tapped on the door.  There was a hesitation then it opened to reveal[ Victor](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/68/01/c0/6801c0ce1ed7b1f0472d46c8dcb1e9f7.jpg) in khaki’s and a plaid button up with a mixture of the orange, berries, and maroons.  He held a pair of pink sneakers that made Yuuri smile.  “You said casual,” Victor murmured a little embarrassed, uncertainty shifting his steps.

 

“You still look stunning,” Yuuri stated shyly, reaching out to slide his fingers into Victor’s.

 

“So do you,” he answered, straightening Yuuri’s glasses with his free hand.  “I like this sexy librarian look you have going on here.”

 

Yuuri blushed profusely, accented by a shy smile.  He was awkward but that seemed to charm Victor who stood much more confidently before him.  “Shall we go?”

 

Victor nodded.  “Where are we going?” he asked.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “You’ll see.”

 

Makkachin met them at the door and Yuuri laughed warmly, running his fingers through her curls.  “Maybe next time, Makka,” he murmured.  Shoes on, they slipped outside into the night air.

 

“What’s in the backpack?” Victor asked, curiously eying the leather pack Yuuri casually slung over his shoulder as they stepped out the door.

 

“You will see.”  They walked along the sidewalk that ran above their favorite beach and paused to watch the sun set slowly beneath the horizon.  Victor leaned against Yuuri’s shoulder, a contented smile on his face.  As the final rays lit up the sky, Yuuri turned Victor and led him on down the path.

 

The path opened up to a park setting and Yuuri guided him off the sidewalk and down a smaller path.  They broke through trees and Victor’s eyes widened as he took in an amphitheatre with a show about to commence.  Yuuri guided Victor to a grassy area, the ground pitched to make the theatre visible.  It wasn’t crowded.  Small groups and couples seemed to occupy private spaces as the crew made last minute preparations for the performance.  Yuuri pulled off his backpack and opened it, pulling out a blanket to spread along the surface.  He guided Victor to sit before reaching into the pack once more.  Taking out a popular Japanese wine from the area, he poured two glasses, handing one to Victor who watched with wide eyes.  Yuuri then reached back in and pulled out two bentos and opened them up to reveal a variety of painstakingly prepared foods.

 

“Did you do this?” Victor asked with wide eyes.

 

Yuuri chuckled remembering all of the hands that played a part in their night.  “I had a little help but yes.”  He handed Victor a set of chopsticks.  Lifting his glass, he tilted it for a toast.  “To new beginnings.  Let’s hope we get it right this time.”

 

“If this is how you start all over, I wouldn’t mind this so much,” Victor murmured softly, his eyes sparkling.

 

Victor took a sip before turning back to their meal.  “I don’t know what’s cuter, the heart shaped eggs or the flower shaped vegetables and fruits.”  Yuuri chuckled as he lifted a layer off of one of the containers.  “Oh, my God!  Panda onigiri?!”  His eyes widened and a delighted smile filled his expression.

 

“I wanted to see you smile,” Yuuri murmured.  The music indicated the performance was about to begin.  “It’s a high school theatre club.  I know they talked Minako into helping them choreograph some of the dance numbers.  They perform around the island and are quite good.”

 

They became immersed in the performance as they sipped wine, Yuuri translating the story for Victor.  They popped food into their mouths in between whispered words.  Every so often, Yuuri or Victor would tease the other with their chopsticks, dropping food onto the other’s tongue.

 

As the performance closed, Victor helped Yuuri pick up their picnic.  Victor was humming with happiness.  As they held hands to walk back along the beach once more, Victor leaned into him.  “Thank you, Yuuri.  I’ve never had such a wonderful date.”

 

“I wanted something…different…because you are special to me.  I worried, though,” Yuuri admitted.  “I know you’ve been to major performances in Russia and other countries.”

 

“True…but no one ever made me panda onigiri and took the time to plan something with such attention to detail.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “It was the panda onigiri that did it for you.”

 

Victor grinned and shrugged.  “I love good food,” he confessed.  “I would love to travel the world and taste different food.  I…should cook for you next time.  Something fusing Japanese and Russian, I think.”

 

“I look forward to it,” Yuuri murmured.  “At least, if both of us can cook, we won’t starve.”

 

Victor snuggled up to Yuuri’s shoulder, resting his cheek against it.  Peace settled around his features.  He didn’t feel lost this time.  His feet were on the ground and he felt…himself…with Yuuri, beside Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...what are we thinking? Do you like where we've taken it? I've got one more chapter ready to post. It will go up tomorrow morning at latest. Let me hear from you.


	26. Let It Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor crashes and soars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for your edits and the technical interventions. :)

* * *

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Let It Go ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsPq9mzFNGY)

 

Yuuri watched Victor slip away from his side that morning.  He knew that look.  It had become familiar – the need for space.  He picked up the breakfast dishes and washed them introspectively.  It’s been a week since they pulled back…pushing to the extreme.  Like a rubber band, though, they pulled back together, settling someplace in between.

 

Yuuri moved with caution, not out of fear but out of respect for Victor’s needs.  He knew Victor wanted him in his life but Victor was still attempting to figure out what he wanted for himself.  Putting the dishes away, he dried his hands and wandered into the garden.  He picked up the hand pruners and began working on a branch, cleaning up several bushes in the garden.  It wasn’t until he rounded the final bend that he realized Victor had also retreated into the garden.

 

“Oh!  I’m sorry, Vitya.  I didn’t mean to intrude.”  He started to retreat.

 

Victor looked up and met Yuuri’s eyes.  “It’s fine.  Perhaps…you could sit with me.”  He reached down and ran his fingers through Makkachin’s curls as she lay at his feet.

 

Yuuri frowned uncertainly.  “I don’t want…to interrupt your thinking.”

 

Victor studied his hand before answering.  “Perhaps you can help.”  Looking up to meet Yuuri’s eyes, he whispered, “I don’t know who you want me to be.”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips.  “I want you to be you.  Nothing else.  You be you; I’ll be me.  That’s all that’s needed.”

 

“I-I have always done what is pleasing,” Victor answered, lifting his eyes.  “But…when I stopped, it all fell apart.”

 

Yuuri slid his hand over Victors and entangled their fingers even as his other hand rested on the younger man’s hip.  Victor sagged into Yuuri, resting his head against the older man’s chest.  “Sometimes we have to fall apart to put ourselves together again.  You’ve been trying to force puzzle pieces where they don’t belong, to become someone you’re not.  Those rare glimpses of the real you, that’s what I live for.  You do not have to be pleasing, Victor.  You can be maddening, ridiculous, demanding, difficult, silly, stubborn…whatever is true…I will accept you.”

 

Victor pulled back, dropping his chin, vulnerability clouding his expression.  “It feels…so naked.  I keep second guessing myself.”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “Don’t.  You pushed back.  More than once.  You needed to do that.  To assert your identity.  I stepped back and gave you the space you needed.  If you need more, so be it.  I am here until you tell me you don’t want me here.”

 

Victor looked up sharply.  “It’s not a matter of not wanting you here.  I want you here.  I just…am trying to figure out who I am.  I don’t want to lose myself again.”

 

“What do you want to do?”  Yuuri asked suddenly.

 

Victor started.  He stared towards the pond thoughtfully before he reached into the bag that seemed to always be by his side and pulled out a notebook.  Opening it he leafed through it.  He laid the paper open.  “I want to be more.  I want to continue to skate, but I want there to be more to me than that.  I want to…” Victor trailed off uncertainly.

 

“Talk to me…Vitya,” Yuuri urged.

 

“I want to skate, but I love working through the program’s choreography with you, dancing, figuring out what goes where, selecting the music, the timing to the music, the entire creative process.  I even love designing the costumes.”  He turned the paper towards Yuuri.

 

The Japanese man’s eyes widened as he studied the dark haired drawn figure, adorned in a deep blue jacket with black inset, a deep lavender scroll climbed up the back and blue fleur-de-lis tracked sideways down the sides.

 

“I’d make this inset sheer and the designs in crystal.  I would also pinpoint smaller crystals matching the blue fabric above the inset.  I think...it would look beautiful on you,” Victor finished, his voice starting strong, but becoming quiet and shy.

 

Yuuri remained speechless for several moments.  Looking up to meet Victor’s eyes, he sought words.  “Y-you designed this for m-me?”  He swallowed several times, feeling overwhelmed.

 

Victor nodded.  “I’m sorry…I pushed you away.  I was so scared.  I didn’t…know myself.  All of these thoughts hit at once.  How can I love someone when I don’t know who I am?  I understand myself better…but I’m still figuring it out.  But...I never stopped thinking about you, about us.  I never considered there not being an _us_.”

 

Yuuri pulled Victor into a hug, brushing a kiss against his forehead.  “I am the king of anxiety.  You do not need to apologize for your anxiety, Vitya.  It’s hard…you get caught in a loop and it plays itself over and over and you hope that the tape will break soon and let you move forward again.”

 

Victor nodded.  “I thought…I needed to know myself.  As if knowing would cause the pieces to fall back into place.  I think…I just need to accept myself, broken pieces and all.  Your acceptance helps me to do that.”

 

Yuuri rested his cheek against Victor’s head.  “You know, we all have broken pieces.  Scars inside and out that shows our struggles with life.  You don’t have to have it all figured out, though.  Keep questioning.  Learning.  Moving forward.  And…if you let me, I’ll go with you.”

 

Victor turned into Yuuri.  “I want you with me, Yuuri…Yuuchan.”  Yuuri tightened his arms at the diminutive form of his name.  Victor closed his eyes as he rested in Yuuri’s embrace.  “I think…we went too fast.  I lost my breath before.”

 

“We’ll take it slow this time.  I’m in no hurry, _anata_ ,” Yuuri whispered, brushing a kiss into Victor’s hair.  He heard the sigh release as he slipped in that endearment.  “I never meant to rush you.  You always have a voice in this relationship.  I’ll always hear you.”

 

Victor lifted his head.  “Even if I disagree?”

 

Yuuri chuckled warmly.  “Even if we disagree.  As someone told me once, sometimes I’m wrong.”

 

Victor tightened his arms around Yuuri.  “I think…I can face the world now.  We can run…and skate.”  He looked up with a winsome smile and Yuuri couldn’t resist brushing a quick kiss over those lips.

 

* * *

  

Yuuri watched Victor skate _Eros_ with a smile.  He flirted, teased, invited Yuuri’s interest.  And Yuuri was interested.  He watched Victor’s dance, his eyes never leaving him.  When Victor came to a rest, he met Yuuri’s gaze…and smirked.  Yuuri made no attempt to hide his delight.

 

Victor skated to stand before him.  “Well?”

 

“Much better.  You have your story down, the emotion in place, the age correct.  Your interpretation will win over the audience and likely the judges.”

 

Victor considered his words.  “And you?” he asked, his smile holding a smug air.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “You already have me…and you know it.”

 

Victor bit his lower lip then winked.  Sobering, he asked the next question.  “And the technical aspects?”

 

“We need to clean up your edges a bit more and that last spin needs to be tightened.  We’ll dissect the video later and pinpoint what else.  Do you want to skate _King_?”

 

“Yes.  After a break.  Will you skate _Chain of Memories_?  Or perhaps...show me your free skate?”  Victor watched him with a hopeful expression.

 

Yuuri softened his gaze, sliding his finger down Victor’s cheek.  “Not yet.  It’s not ready.  But I will skate _Chain of Memories_.  I want to send it to Ciao Ciao anyway.”

 

Victor nodded thoughtfully.  “Can I help critique it?”

 

“I encourage you to do so,” Yuuri responded as he skated backwards, away from him.  “But Celestino is still my coach even though I’m taking time off.  I am sending the video out of respect for that position.”

 

Victor nodded, preparing to film as Yuuri took his position.  He watched Yuuri skate, noting that the emotion was not near as mournful as the last time he was filmed.  Yuuri’s jumps were on point except the quad-flip.  Victor frowned at that point.  Yuuri didn’t normally perform that jump, Victor noted.  The wobble in his landing revealed the weakness.  And that was one of his better landings.  As Yuuri drew up before him, he cocked an eyebrow challenging him.  Victor met his eyes, feeling bold.  “You should consider switching out that quad-flip.”

 

“Oh?” Yuuri asked, startled.  “What would you suggest I replace it with?”

 

Victor’s mouth opened in surprise.  He dropped his eyes a moment before stating firmly, “Your quad-lutz is stronger and it has a higher base.”

 

Yuuri nodded thoughtfully.  “I haven’t landed the quad-lutz in competition.”

 

“But you do with higher frequency in practice than the flip,” Victor argued.  “If I had the lutz, I’d want to use it for the advantage.”

 

“I’ll consider it…but to have the stamina, I may need to adjust one of my other jumps.  That will decrease the advantage.  I want to nail the flip.  It should be easier than the lutz.”  Frustration edged his voice.

 

Victor chewed his lip before stating quietly, “I…I can nail it.”

 

Yuuri raised his eyebrow.  “Why haven’t I seen it?  You haven’t put it into competition.”

 

“When everything else starts to fall apart, I lose confidence in it.  Yakov has always opposed me putting it in.”

 

“I want to see it.  Will you demonstrate it for me?”

 

Victor nodded.  He skated around the rink a few times to warm back up then set up with a forward outside three-turn.  Clearing the ice from the back edge, Yuuri watched the rotation and counted them unconsciously.  Landing on the back outside edge allowing a spongy knee to absorb the shock and landing, Victor skated to Yuuri’s side.

 

“That is going in _King_ ,” Yuuri stated firmly.

 

“What if I flub it?” Victor protested with alarm.

 

“That could happen with any jump,” Yuuri pointed out.  “You land it too beautifully not to use it.”

 

“I could say the same about your Lutz,” Victor argued.

 

Yuuri tilted his head, a glint in his eye.  “I’ll do the quad-lutz if you do the flip,” he bargained.  He watched Victor’s face light up and knew he had an agreement.

 

They spent the next half hour reworking the program elements for _King_ to insert the new jump.  Then Victor skated it through twice before Yuuri nodded in satisfaction.

 

“Do you really believe in me enough for the flip?” Victor asked as they walked home.

 

Yuuri nodded, squeezing Victor’s hand.  “I do.  I know you can do this.”

 

“Then…I’ll do it.”  Laughter bubbled up out of the younger man as he danced around in front of Yuuri.  His eyes glittered as they met Yuuri’s.  “I’m so glad I came here.  It’s taken me a long time to figure out where I belong.”

 

“Japan?” Yuuri asked, raising his eyebrow questioningly.

 

Victor shook his head, tightening his hold on Yuuri’s hand.  “By your side…we work so well together…and you hear me, listen to me, value my ideas and opinions.”

 

“Of course I do.  Besides, you challenge me, too.  I agree…we do work well together.  This is probably the strongest short program I’ve ever performed.”

 

Victor drew up to him and peered up flirtatiously.  “You should let me see your long program,” he prodded teasingly.

 

Yuuri laughed, sliding a hand around Victor and pulling him into Yuuri’s chest.  Meeting the younger man’s eyes, forehead to forehead, he murmured, “In due time.  Patience, my love.”  Victor melted at the endearment and Yuuri smirked at the sigh that slipped out.  He brushed a kiss over Victor’s lips before releasing him.  He grinned when he had to tug Victor’s hand to get him to follow him along, the younger man still caught up in the emotion of the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed. Each chapter is tied to a song. It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time. [Lifeline: Hasetsu](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10705287/chapters/24811014) has a new chapter up. (Did you see that? I learned how to put a link in the notes. Never stop learning!)
> 
> Comments are encouraged and make me smile. Too busy, kudos or hugs and hearts will do. Always, thank you for reading.


	27. Teach Me How to be Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor struggles through inner battles and Yuuri struggles with the space between them as competition draws near.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for helping me to dig through this one, BluSkates, and for the skating insight.

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Teach Me How to be Loved ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8UWa_I8vX0)

 

 

Weeks passed by with practice, counseling, long walks, all sprinkled with a few dates along the way.  Yuuri was very careful of Victor’s feelings and Victor very cautiously drew closer to Yuuri.  Despite the growing closeness as they continued to date, though, Yuuri could still feel Victor pulling back from him, hiding his pain. 

 

Victor still took many walks along the beach and around town.  Yuuri danced in the studio and skated off his anxiety.  Time was drawing close to the first competition and it seemed Victor’s walks were taking longer routes.  He needed to clear his thoughts, sure.  Yuuri knew from experience how cluttered headspace alone could wreck a competition.  Yuuri, frustrated that Victor was still closed off to him about his mental torments, took it out on the ice. However, it wasn’t long before the ice bit back.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor came in late and looked for Yuuri.  After checking his room and the garden, he caught Minako who pointed him towards the onsen.  “He was moving rather stiffly,” she added.  Victor pursed his lips and nodded.  He avoided the showers, pushing through the indoor baths to the outside springs.

 

He found Yuuri soaking alone in a bath, a compress on his head, his eyes closed.  Victor dropped down nearby, sighing.  “What did you do?”

 

Yuuri opened an eye.  “You’re back.”

 

“I am…I’ve been…walking.  Minako said you looked hurt.”

 

“I took a couple of hard falls on the ice,” Yuuri admitted. 

 

“Where did you hit?” Victor demanded.  Yuuri leaned forward to show a nicely forming bruise down his back and side where he must have hit on his shoulder.  “Slid into a wall, did we?” Victor surmised with a raised eyebrow.  Yuuri didn’t deny it.  “Where else?”  Yuuri stood out of the water and Victor forced himself to focus on the bruise forming down Yuuri’s opposite thigh and hip. Running his fingers lightly over the bruise, he exclaimed, “Oh, Yuuri.  What did you do?” 

 

“Probably too distracted to do jumps,” Yuuri mumbled in admission.

 

“How long have you been in the heat?” Victor demanded.

 

Yuuri considered it then answered, “I’ve lost track.  I came in here around seven.”

 

“Then that’s long enough.  Come on.  Let’s get those injuries iced down.”  Victor scooped up the green yukata and held it out for Yuuri, sliding it over on his sore shoulder and securing the tie in place, careful to keep his eyes averted from southern regions.  He walked with Yuuri up the stairs, steadying him when he wobbled.  “I’ll be back with ice and towels,” he promised as Yuuri stood in the middle of the room.  Yuuri glanced over his shoulder and nodded.

 

Yuuri moved to his chest and pulled out a pair of boxers, easing into them with a wince.  Victor would care for him and on the surface things would feel good and right but Yuuri knew that Victor would draw back into himself.  This game they played back and forth was wearing.  He stretched across the bed on his stomach and waited, not realizing his eyes drifted closed.

 

Long fingers slid through his hair, pulling him from his sleep.  “That didn’t take long,” Victor murmured, teasing him, his expression tender.  Yuuri blinked as Victor wrapped an ice pack with a towel and then hissed as it was placed on his hip.  He prepared several others, covering the deeply bruised skin.  “I can imagine what you were doing to get these.  Flips?”

 

Yuuri nodded begrudgingly.  “Either I fall or I flutz,” he stated in frustration.

 

Victor laughed softly, the music of it washing over Yuuri.  “You want that fifth jump that badly,” he stated, crawling into bed beside him and leaning back against the headboard.  Victor’s thighs were eye level and Yuuri found himself studying the long, lean muscles as Victor crossed his ankles.  He pushed back the longing.

 

A timer went off and Victor removed the now tepid packs, dropping them in the ice chest and closing it.  Yuuri shivered as Victor spread a blanket over him and hummed when he felt the younger man card through his hair.  Yuuri’s eyes closed hesitantly then slipped off to sleep.  He didn’t rouse until he felt the draft from the blanket pull back punctuated by the sting of the reapplied ice packs.  “I’ll let you sleep after this,” Victor promised as he smoothed Yuuri’s hair.  “Well, for an hour.  Then I think you should have another round before you are out for the night.”

 

By the time the ice was removed a second time, he felt his thoughts becoming fuzzy as he faded off to sleep.  He remained unaware as Victor slipped from his side and carried the ice packs down to the kitchen to be remade in an hour.

 

“Vicchan!” Hiroko fussed.  “You need to eat.  Let me make you something.”

 

“Okaasan,” Victor returned with a smile.  “I’ve been taking care of Yuuri.  He’s pretty bruised up.”

 

“He is in good hands,” she surmised.  “Let me take care of you.”  Yuuri’s mother led him over to the counter where he watched her put together a bowl of ramen for him. 

 

“ _ Arigato _ ,” he murmured, bowing his head before eating.  She smiled with pleasure leaving the room to tend to some other matters.

 

Mari came around the corner and leaned against the facing.  “Finally got you to eat,” she pointed out.

 

Victor nodded as he finished his mouthful.  “I guess my appetite is diminishing.  Probably nerves.”

 

“Okaasan will start fretting if you lose weight again,” she warned.  “It’s like she takes it as a personal failure.”

 

Victor sighed.  “I don’t mean to make people worry.  I…worry enough for everyone.”  He was well aware of Yuuri's concern over him.  Sighing, he thought, _I need to get this sorted.  Now Yuuri's family is worried, too._  

 

“I’d say stop it but then I have Yuuri for my brother and know that it isn’t something you can control.”  She reached up and ruffled his hair.  “It’ll be fine, Vicchan.  Trust my brother.”

 

Victor smiled but his heart wasn’t in it.  He knew she meant well but…too many thoughts pushed through.  He finished his meal and washed the dish before making fresh ice packs.  He slipped up the stairs and into Yuuri’s room.  The older man had barely moved during Victor’s absence.  Checking his phone for the time, he removed the blanket.  Yuuri tensed then shivered, his eyes fluttering open with an accompanying groan.

 

“Part of me hoped you forgot,” he muttered.

 

Victor laughed softly, spreading the towels across the bruised skin.  “I’m sure.  Cold therapy was never my favorite, either.”

 

“You’d think it wouldn’t phase us given our work environment.”  He hissed as Victor laid on the first ice pack.  Several others followed then Victor set a timer for fifteen minutes. 

 

“One more time after this and I’ll leave you alone for the night.”

 

Yuuri nodded reaching for Victor’s hand.  “Are you okay?” he asked.

 

Victor shrugged.  “As well as can be expected.  My mind won’t shut down.”  It was a familiar excuse, one he’d heard Yuuri use many times.  He received a thin lipped smile in response.  Yuuri knew Victor was withholding something but he wouldn’t press.  Victor rolled over on his stomach beside Yuuri.  “Why don’t we watch videos while we wait for the timers?”  He clicked it over to some puppy videos and they found themselves laughing and awing at the canine antics.

 

By the time the last set of ice packs were removed, Victor could see the exhaustion settling around Yuuri.  He tucked the blankets around the older man before pressing a kiss to his cheek.  “Sleep well, Yuuchan,” he murmured before slipping away from him.  He gathered the ice and took it back down stairs. 

 

Victor peeked in on Yuuri after returning up the stairs and found him sleeping.  Sighing, he headed to the end of the hall and his door.  His thoughts continued to crash around him.  He reached for his door when the attic entrance caught his eye.  “Clean the attic,” he whispered.  Nodding to himself, he went to the door and pulled down the staircase.

 

The space looked different by himself.  He edged past old boxes, smelled the musty scent of damp evenings, sneezed, stumbled over something unseen, and finally found himself before the window.  He knelt onto the futon and stared out, blinking at first before he realized he was seeing fireflies.   _ Oh, this faces the place Yuuri took me that day. _  He opened the window and breathed in the fresh air.

 

He lay watching the moon and the fireflies dancing, willing his mind to settle down.  He didn’t know when sleep claimed him.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri woke up in the middle of the night.   _ What is that sound?  Oh.  It’s Makkachin. _  He opened the door and Makka looked forlorn, heading toward the stairs.  “Okay, girl.  I’ve got you.  I’ll take you out,” he promised in a low voice.

 

Returning a few minutes later, Yuuri noticed the entrance to the attic lowered.  He climbed the stairs and peered past the boxes.  Stretched out sleeping on the futon was Victor’s sleeping form.  Yuuri frowned.  Victor was welcome in his retreats, it just worried him that he retreated to the attic alone.

 

He moved through the cluttered space with practiced ease and knelt down beside the younger man who was lightly snoring in the moonlight.  The silver of his hair reflected the shine from the moon and stars.  Yuuri slid his hand through that hair and grazed across Victor’s skin.   _ Cold _ .  Reaching down to a few blankets folded at Victor’s feet, he shook one open and tucked it around the blond.  He carded his fingers through the long silver locks, watching over Victor thoughtfully.

 

_ You’ve been so distant.  I know you have worries pressing down on you.  I can guess most of them.  Still, I wish you could share them with me.  I can help if you just let me.   _ Yuuri brushed a kiss over Victor’s temple.  Reaching for another blanket, he stretched out next to him, wrapping a protective arm around him.

 

* * *

 

 

Morning light teased Victor’s eyes open and he shivered as he woke up.  Disoriented at first, he wrinkled his nose realizing he wasn’t alone.  He turned around as his eyes adjusted to the half-light and could see Yuuri sleeping quietly, curled around where Victor had just been lying, head resting on the bend of his elbow, his other hand still resting on Victor.  There had actually been no other contact with two blankets between them.  Victor didn’t feel a violation of space.

 

Sitting up, Victor pulled his legs into a criss-cross and watched the sleeping Japanese man.  Reaching out to card his fingers through the brown mop of hair, Victor felt a smile touch his lips.  But his head still felt fogged by thoughts and that smile soon slipped.  Pushing down the blankets, he tiptoed downstairs to shower.  Grabbing an apple, he left on a jog with Makkachin before anyone else was up.

 

* * *

  

Yuuri moved stiffly as he fought his way to wakefulness.  He pulled himself up into a cross-legged position and noted the blanket loosely piled at the foot of the futon.  Victor was up already.  He moved slowly as he folded the blankets.  His body screamed  _ no ice today _ .

 

Yuuri made his way down the stairs and made eye-contact with his sister who was pulling laundry.  Securing the door to the attic, he turned to face her. “Victor has already left,” she stated flatly.

 

He ran his hand through his hair.  “What time is it?”

 

“After eight.  You really slept in today,” she pointed out.

 

_ After eight.  No wonder Victor was gone. _  He nodded as he moved towards his room.   Finding his phone on the charger, he found no message from Victor. 

 

**Yuuri/ Sorry.  I just woke up.**

 

**Vitya/ That’s fine.  I’m walking back to the inn.**

 

**Yuuri/ You’re not on ice?**

 

**Vitya/ …**

 

**Vitya/ Well, no.  Ran with Makka.  Cooling down.**

 

**Yuuri/ Have you eaten?**

 

**Vitya/ Only an apple.**

 

**Yuuri/ Meet me for breakfast.**

 

**Vitya/ 10 minutes.  You okay?**

 

**Yuuri/ Taking a day off the ice.  Need to mend.**

 

**Vitya/ You should have stayed in bed.**

 

**Vitya/ Futon is too hard on your injuries.**

 

**Yuuri/ I was worried about you.**

 

**Vitya/ …**

 

**Vitya/  We’ll talk later.**

 

Yuuri scanned the messages.   _ You should have stayed in bed.  Was Victor mad at him?   _ He tried to push the thoughts out of his head.   Yuuri showered and dressed, reaching the downstairs landing as Victor came into the room.  He smiled weakly. 

 

“Good morning,” Victor greeted softly, studying Yuuri critically.  They walked into the kitchen and Victor insisted Yuuri sit.  “I can cook breakfast this morning.”  Victor hummed as he scooped up the white rice into a bowl.  Yuuri watched as he sprinkled the rice with a dash of soy sauce, a pinch of salt, and a sprinkle of Aji-no-moto.  He then reached over for some shredded nori.  Cracking a raw egg over the top, he handed one bowl to Yuuri along with chopsticks before taking one for himself.  A cup of tea was poured up for each of them. 

 

“ _ Arigato _ , Vicchan,” Yuuri murmured.  Victor smiled in reply.  Yuuri stirred up the  _ tamago gohen _ to form the frothy mixture with his chopsticks and began to eat the sticky meal.  Victor joined him and they ate quietly.  Yuuri didn’t quite know how to break the looming silence.  Victor drained his teacup and began to gather the dishes.  “Don’t worry.  I’ll wash them,” Yuuri insisted.

 

Victor shrugged.  “Okay.  I’ll be ready for the rink in a few minutes.”  He hesitated before adding, “We are going, aren’t we?”

 

“My day off shouldn’t affect your skating.  You have a competition and we leave in two days.”

 

Victor nodded, his shoulders stiffening.  “Give me time to shower.”  Yuuri nodded as he watched the other man depart.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor remained low key and subdued during the walk to the rink, responding to Yuuri in short sentences and monosyllables.  Yuuri knew this behavior, this anxiety response of shutting out as much stimuli as possible by responding to the world as little as possible.  He worried _.  Is it the competition that has him worried?  Is it because I was next to him when he woke up?  I moved too soon.  I wasn’t trying to move.  I was just concerned when I found him upstairs.  I didn’t want him to wake up alone.  Not there.  It could be the competition, though. _  He kept darting his eyes to Victor while his thoughts continued to spiral.

 

Victor pulled on his skates and tied them off.  Yuuri would be on the ice with him but not skating his own programs.  His own skates secured, he followed the taller man onto the ice.  Each of them moved easily into their standard warm-ups, Yuuri settling into circles and elementary figures while keeping an eye on Victor.  Victor then nodded, ready.  Yuuri moved to the boards.  “Which program?”

 

“ _ King _ ,” Victor supplied, moving into his opening position.  Victor’s movements were melancholy but he pushed through.  Something was definitely playing much more heavily on Victor’s mind than previous days.  His arm movements were heavy.  His timing was good but his interpretation was off-center.  He came before Yuuri after the third run through and Yuuri could see he was close to tears, frustration vibrating off his skin. 

 

Yuuri took a deep breath, smoothing a loose strand of hair behind Victor’s ear.  “I think we need to have that talk.  You’ve got too much going on up here.”  Yuuri brushed the back of his fingers across Victor’s forehead.  “It’s affecting everything else.”

 

“I can’t help it,” Victor whimpered, his lower lip quivering.

 

Yuuri’s arms went around the other skater.  “Oh, Vitya.  Let’s get off the ice.  We can go to the studio.  If we clear your thoughts enough to skate, we can come back easily enough.”

 

Victor and Yuuri removed their skates and dropped them off in their lockers.  A ten minute walk had them unlocking Minako’s studio.  Yuuri turned on some instrumental [ covers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=re2kovuiTX0) to play softly while he worked with his skater.  “Do you want to talk first?  Dance first?  Or work through it together?”

 

Victor shrugged noncommittally, studying his hands as he pulled his legs into a center split.  “Can you press on my shoulders?” he asked, deflecting the questions.  Yuuri nodded, giving him the slow steady tension he needed to complete the stretch.  Victor moved through a series of stretches assisted by Yuuri.  It wasn’t until he pulled his knees to his chest, that Yuuri knelt down before him.  Victor studied him a moment before crawling into Yuuri’s lap, his head resting on Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri automatically started moving his hands in comforting circles. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said finally.

 

Victor looked up surprised.  “Why are you sorry?”

 

“I intruded on your space last night.  I woke up and took Makka out.  When I discovered the stair down, I worried that you were alone and upset.  I couldn’t bring myself to leave after I found you, so vulnerable in your sleep.”

 

Victor remained silent for a few moments as he processed Yuuri’s confession.  Finally, he lifted his chin.  “I…am not upset with you.  Perhaps I left that door open as an unconscious invitation.  I…didn’t want to be alone.  I don’t know how to reach back out, though.  We’ve maintained such careful barriers.”

 

“What do you want?” Yuuri asked gently.  Victor‘s shoulder shook and Yuuri didn’t need to see his face to know there would be tears.  He pressed a hand around the younger man’s cheek and pulled him into his shoulder.  “I’ve got you, sweetheart.  Take your time.” 

 

Victor remained enfolded in Yuuri’s embrace until his shoulders no longer shook and even a while longer after that.  Finally, he drew a deep breath, steadying his stuttering emotions and pulled back, though remaining close at hand.  His next words came out in a rush as if he had to get it out before he lost his nerve.  “I want to not be afraid.  I am terrified of the coming competition. I’m so afraid he will be there, that he will try to hurt you or me or both of us.  I know we’ve done everything possible and I don’t want to let it go.  I want to compete.  But I worry, too, that all of that fear is going to come out in my competition."  He paused and looked up.  "Am I ready?”

 

Yuuri reached up and ran his fingers down the side of Victor’s cheek, brushing tears away with his thumb.  “You are ready.  You have your routines in order.  However, it might do us some good to work on your mental state," Yuuri suggested tenderly.  "I meditate before a competition.  I also have exercises I go through when I start to panic.”  He eased Victor into a cross-legged position and settled his palms gently on his knees.  “Close your eyes.”  Victor’s eyes fluttered closed then open again.  “What is it?” Yuuri asked with concern, seeing the uncertainty in the other man's eyes.

 

“I am nervous…not being able to see you.  I want to see or feel you nearby when possible.  I know that’s…crazy…but it’s how I feel.”

 

“It is not crazy,” Yuuri reassured him.  He moved his position directly in front of Victor, knees touching knees.  Then he took Victor’s hands in his, using his physical contact to ground the younger man.  “Let’s try it this way.  Close your eyes.”  This time they shuttered and stayed closed.  “Breathe in a slow, deep breath.  Now, push it out slowly, completely," Yuuri guided in a slow, steady voice.  "One…two…three.  Let’s repeat that.  Breathe in slowly, deeply.  Out.  One…two…three.  You should start to feel your body relaxing.  Now imagine you’re on a beach.  You hear the waves moving in and out.  As the water reaches in, it takes a little of your tension from you, pulling it out of you as it moves away.  Breathe with those wave.  The waves rolling in, inhale.  As the waves roll out, exhale.  In…out…in…out.  You should be feeling very relaxed right now.”  Yuuri could tell by the loosening of Victor’s grip that he was relaxing into a meditative state.

 

“I’m going to take you on a journey, Vitya.  On this journey, you are going to experience the emotions you are seeking.  Eros.  Romantic love.  Sexual love.  This is the love that connects you to me, the love that entwines us together.  It is seductive, passionate, and heated.  It causes us to come together over and over, keeps us from truly pulling away from one another.  Now, Vitya, I want you to open your eyes.”

 

Victor opened his eyes in response to Yuuri’s gentle command and held the older man’s gaze.  “I’m going to put on the music for Eros.  Take the starting position.”  Both men stood.  Yuuri switched the music to playing [ Eros](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfv8qTZevrw) .   He watched Victor, his mind free of the encumbrances of his worries, regain the center he needed to personify Eros.  His seduction, his passion, his desire were laid bare, naked for any to see, his eyes coming to rest on Yuuri, his thoughts focusing on the emotional connection between the two of them.  As he closed the program, Yuuri was shaken, Victor’s open expression resting on him, his love and desire evident in that gaze, connecting them together like an arc of electricity.

 

“How did you do that?” Victor whispered, his eyes wide.  “I felt…as if all of my encumbrances were lifted.”

 

“I use [ sensory meditation techniques](http://www.innerhealthstudio.com/sensory-relaxation-scripts.html) to prepare for my programs.  I can record a journey for you so that you can listen to it as you relax and meditate before a program.  I needed to see if you would respond to it, though.”

 

“I…felt relaxed for the first time in days.”  Victor ran up to Yuuri and threw his arms around Yuuri’s neck.  “I should have come to you sooner with my worries," he rushed.  "I know this.  I was trying to work them out on my own.”  Victor lowered his head, chewing his lip.

 

“I know,  _ anata _ .  I know.  Just never forget that I’m here for you.  Being independent doesn't mean you have to walk every path alone,” Yuuri responded tenderly.  Yuuri stepped back to switch the other playlist back on.

 

Victor stepped back, a smile touching his lips.  Then a stray worry caused his expression to startle.  “What if…what if I panic?”

 

“That’s the second technique I’m going to teach you.  If you start to panic, the important thing is grounding yourself.  Some call this technique the Five Senses Technique.  Others call it Grounding 54321.  We are going to pretend you are in panic and practice the technique."  Yuuri took Victor's hands in his.  "Name five things you see around you.”

 

Victor startled then processed the question.  “The barre, the mirror, Yuuri, Yuuri’s brown eyes, Yuuri’s hands.”

 

“That’s a good start.”  Yuuri smiled warmly, noting how Victor focused on him.  “Now name four things you can feel.”

 

Victor breathed deeply and closed his eyes and released one hand, allowing it to flutter as he explored.  “The soft cotton of my shirt.  The metal teeth on my jacket’s zipper.  Yuuri's hand in mine.  My hair tickling my ears.”

 

“Good,” Yuuri praised.  “Now three things you can hear right now.”

 

“Piano. Wind.  My breathing.”

 

“Very good.  Now name two things you can smell right now.”

 

“Cherry blossoms…and cinnamon.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes crinkled realizing that Victor just described his scent.  “Now.  Name one thing good about yourself.”

 

Victor took a deep breath.  “This one’s hard.  My smile?”

 

“Your smile is beautiful.  Don’t doubt yourself.”  Yuuri rested his forehead against Victor’s.  “We will practice both of those techniques several times over the next two days.  I’m not worried about your program.  You have it down.  I just need to help you sort out your thoughts.”

 

“Thank you, Yuuri.”  Victor reached up, his hand resting on the back of Yuuri’s neck.  His movements were shy as he dipped closer, uncertainly.  Then his lips found the other man’s lips, tasting them in a kiss.  Yuuri’s arms slipped around Victor’s waist as they continued to sway to the music, their lips locked into a dance of their own, brushing lovingly against one another.  Victor eventually rested his head on Yuuri’s shoulder as they continued to dance slowly to the music, grounded and comforted by the older man’s hold on him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Comments, kudos, and shares are welcome and encouraged.
> 
> I have nothing ready to post so it might be a day or three. Trying to sort out my schedule...writing/life balance.


	28. Shelter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pan and the lost boys land in China...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for your edits and suggestions.
> 
> Thoughts on...an actual Peter Pan/YOI AU...

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Shelter ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_pEiTSW4UI)

 

They arrived in China in the late afternoon with the plan to order room service and stay in.  Victor unpacked while Yuuri showered.  When Yuuri reentered the room wrapped in a towel, Victor looked away, a blush creeping up.

 

Noticing his discomfort, Yuuri quickly apologized.  “I’m sorry, Vitya.  I forgot to grab my sleep clothes.”

 

“I-It’s okay,” he murmured but Yuuri noted how Victor drew inward.  Staring out the window, Victor waited until Yuuri returned to the bathroom. 

 

They hadn’t slept in the same room together since they pulled apart.  Well, except that night Yuuri joined him in the attic.  They had their own beds but Yuuri hated Victor’s discomfort.  In more ways than one.  He shoved back his emotions.  Victor needed his understanding.  This was a hard week for the younger man.  Yuuri’s own desires came second, perhaps even third.

 

When Yuuri reentered the room, he watched Victor scurry past him with his arms loaded down with anything he might need in the shower.  Sighing, Yuuri crawled up into his bed and flipped through the television before remembering he didn’t speak Mandarin or Cantonese.  Flipping off the television, he reached for the room service menu. 

 

When Victor reentered the room, he looked bedraggled and nibbled on his lower lip uncertainly.  “What is it,  _ anata _ ?” Yuuri invited gently.

 

“Would you…I’d like for you…to brush my hair.  I think…it might calm me.”

 

Yuuri smiled, opening his arms up to the other man.  “Of course I will.”  He pushed himself back to gain a little height from the pillows as Victor crawled across the bed and settled in between his legs.  He laid the brush and combs beside them. 

 

As Yuuri combed through Victor’s hair initially with his fingers, he could feel the tension from the other man.  Finally, Victor broke the silence with a whispered, “I’m sorry.”

 

Yuuri stilled his hand and leaned around him.  “What are you sorry for, love?”

 

He received an awkward shrug at first before Victor whispered, “For…I’m not sure how to act.”  Victor lowered his head.  “I don’t want…to give mixed signals.  But…”

 

Yuuri once more leaned around to peer at the man before him.  “But?”

 

Victor looked up and met his eyes.  “I don’t know what is allowed and what isn’t allowed.”

Yuuri smiled tenderly.  “These boundaries, these hard and fast lines?  They were erected for your sake, Vitya.  You tell me.  What do you want?”

 

“I…I want to kiss you,” he confessed.  “But we’re…sleeping in the same room…”  His words trailed off uncertainly.

 

“And you are afraid it will turn into more,” Yuuri finished.  

 

Victor nodded, shifting guiltily.  “I want to kiss you,” he repeated.  “But I’m not there…yet…for the other.  I may be there…tomorrow, but not today.”

 

Yuuri smoothed Victor’s hair behind his ear and lifted his chin to make sure they maintained eye contact.  “I will respect that…you know that, don’t you?”

 

Victor nodded, his eyes wide.  “I just…don’t want to be selfish.”

 

Yuuri shook his head, leaning forward to brush a kiss against Victor’s forehead.  “You love me, don’t you?”  Victor nodded, holding his eyes.  Yuuri continued, “And I love you.  That means that we meet each other where we are…if you are not there yet, then we stop and go no further…and the same goes if I’m not there yet.”

 

Victor’s lips parted, eyes widening as if it hadn’t occurred to him that Yuuri might not be ready to move further.  “Okay,” he murmured.

 

“Also, if we decide we are both there tomorrow and things go further only for us to need to pull back the next day, that’s okay as well.  I will respect you and your needs.”

 

“And I’ll respect your needs,” Victor echoed, relief filtering into his voice.  All of the sudden a sob broke through and Victor was turning into Yuuri’s arms, burying his head.  “Why do you do that?  Why are you so good to me?”

 

Yuuri lifted his lover’s head with a gentle grasp of his chin.  His thumb wiped at a stray tear.  His expression unguarded to the younger man.  His eyes gathered in the vision before him, beautiful in his vulnerability.  “My Vitya, my beautiful Vitya.  How many ways can I tell you, can I show you that I love you before you believe me?”

 

Victor hiccupped, his tears threatening to break through once more.  “I-it’s not th-that I don’t b-believe you,” he stuttered, sniffing back as he finished the sentence and dashing a hand up to wipe the escaping tears.  “I-I just d-don’t deserve you.”

 

Yuuri pulled him tight into his embrace.  “Nonsense…you are perfect,” he murmured as he closed the distance.  The kiss started innocently but melted quickly into something more as Victor opened up to him.  As Yuuri pulled back, Victor followed him down, continuing to demand more out of that kiss than should be possible.

 

When they finally broke for air, Victor’s eyes darted down shyly as he moved back onto his knees.  Looking up finally, he could see Yuuri lying back somewhat wrecked, his hair tangled, his cheeks red.  Victor nibbled his lower lip uncertainly before reaching out to brush Yuuri’s hair back into place. Yuuri caught that hand as it slipped out of his hair and Victor watched breathless as the older man brushed a kiss against his wrist, a seemingly benign action that stirred something in Victor.  “I…I think…you were brushing my hair,” he finished with a rush as he turned around to face forward, trying to compose himself.

 

Victor heard the warm chuckle wash over him as the other man resumed combing through his hair.  Yuuri wrapped up by braiding the length and tying it off.  Slipping his arms around the other man, Victor stiffened at first, uncertain what Yuuri wanted.  However, Yuuri merely slid his hands down the length of his arms, resting his cheek against Victor’s head.  He felt kisses brushed tenderly against his hairline but it didn’t become more intimate than that…yet…it was more.  

 

Victor closed his eyes and focused on the feelings elicited by those small kisses.  The flutter in his belly told him that it was much more.  He opened his mouth wanting to say something, hesitant though, not wanting to break the moment.   “Yuuchan,” he whispered and was surprised at the husky quality of his voice. 

 

Yuuri turned another kiss into Victor’s hairline, closer to his ear, as he murmured, “My Vitya…anata…

********** TRIGGER WARNING…mentions of abuse and rape in the next paragraph **********

 

Yuuri was generous with the endearments.   _ Anata _ …Vitya…sweetheart…love…dear…they flowed as a natural part of his conversation with Victor.  For Victor, though, the familiar endearments he grew up with were tainted, misused by a man who called him  _ lyubov moya _ as he held his hands over his head and raped him, who called him  _ malysh _ as he jerked his hair down and forced him to suck him off or  _ kotik _ as he straddled his face and fucked his mouth.  So many other words tied to so many other abuses.  Those words were all spoiled.  He only had Yuuchan.  But to him, it was the most precious of words.

********** End **********

 

“Yuuchan,” he whispered once more.  He didn’t know when the tears started until his breath stuttered as he tried to breathe in.  He felt Yuuri’s arms guide him into an embrace, allowing him to hide his face in the older man’s shoulder.  Yuuri no longer became alarmed when he broke down like this.  Yuuri held him, loved him, and took care of him.  It was too much their norm and Victor was frustrated that Mikhail…thoughts of him…fears of him…still interfered with his life.

 

Lifting up his tearstained face, he felt his lower lip draw into a pout.  “I just…want to be free of him.”

 

“I know, love,” Yuuri whispered, his tenderness washing over Victor along with a gentle hand that brushed over his shoulder and down his back. 

 

As much as Victor intended to sleep in his own bed, the trip caught up to them both and they fell asleep in one another’s arms.  When they finally stirred later, they found the late night menu for room service and ordered in some sandwiches they washed down with water before falling asleep once more wrapped up in one another.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day was designated for rest.  Yuuri received messages from both Chris and Phichit announcing their arrival sometime during the evening before but everyone was too tired to meet up.  They decided on brunch.  Victor shyly tagged along.  “Do they know?”

 

Yuuri looked over startled.   “Honestly, yes.  Phichit helped me cover your tracks when you first fled Russia.  Chris helped talk me through helping you emotionally, so that perhaps I wouldn’t mess up too badly.  He’s working on his master’s degree in psychology.  His partner Lawrence is a practicing psychologist.  They are discreet.”

 

Victor stopped suddenly, causing Yuuri to stumble back before turning.  Victor’s hand tugged at the hem of his shirt, his eyes studying the floor before him, his teeth chewing his lower lip.  Yuuri made note to get the man before him some lip balm.  “I…I don’t think I can do this,” he stated, his voice tremulous.

 

Yuuri stepped forward and took the other man’s hands in his.  “Vitya.  These are two of my closest friends.  They won’t judge you.”

 

“I…I stayed.  For three years.  While h-he did…things to me.  Who does that?”

 

Yuuri lifted Victor’s chin and searched out his eyes.  “Someone who has been stripped down and starved of love.  Someone who was made to feel small even though…” Yuuri felt his own breath hitch.  “…even though you can fill a room with your smile.”  Victor eyed him uncertainly.  “Trust me,” he whispered.  “Trust my friends.  At least…give them a chance.”

 

Victor ran his fingers through his hair, tugging at it as he processed the words.  Finally, he nodded slowly.  Looking up, he added in a tiny whisper, “But I’m scared.”

 

“I know.  Trust me,  _ anata _ , I know.”

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit and Chris were already seated in the hotel restaurant when Yuuri arrived with Victor.  They stood as the other two approached.  “Yuuri!  I missed you!” Phichit cried out, throwing his arms around the brunette.  Victor knew Phichit had been Yuuri’s roommate for the last six years but was surprised by the exuberant greeting.  “Are you coming back to Detroit next season?”

 

“Ummm…we haven’t discussed that,” Yuuri stated noncommittally, glancing Victor’s direction.  Victor stepped closer, tilting his head towards Yuuri’s shoulder as his hand wound tighter in his grasp.  “Phichit, Chris…this is my Vitya.  Victor, my good friends Chris and Phichit.”

 

“Good friends,” Chris scoffed.  “Best of friends.”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “Of course, the best of friends.”

 

“Much better,” Chris stated warmly.  Turning to Victor, he reached out a hand.  Victor took it shyly.  “It’s a rare man who can catch the eye of this one,” he greeted warmly.  “I look forward to getting to know you.”

 

“Th-thank you,” Victor murmured, his eyes flicking towards the handshake and the floor.

 

Phichit laughed and it reminded Victor of bells catching rain.  “I hope you forgive me.  I’m a hugger.”  He finished this sentence by throwing his arms around Victor who squeaked in response before awkwardly putting his arms around the other man.  Stepping back, Phichit placed a hand on Victor’s cheek and chin and held his eyes.  “He loves you…and he doesn’t give that lightly.  That means you are family.  We are all here for you.”

 

Victor took a shuddering breath and almost felt a loss of warmth as Phichit released him.  Yuuri drew him back to his side while Chris rolled his eyes. “Sure, Peach.  Scare the man right off the bat!”

 

“I didn’t scare him,” Phichit protested.  “You aren’t scared, are you?” he turned and asked Victor directly.

 

“M-maybe a little,” Victor confessed quietly.  “But not of you.”

 

The other two men regarded him thoughtfully.  It was Chris that stepped forward, draping an arm around Victor and pulling him to the table.  “Don’t worry, Victor.  We’ve got you.”  Once they were all seated, Chris signaled for a waiter who soon brought several breakfast selections to the table and plates for them to dine family style.  “Most places around here don’t serve regular breakfast foods.  But this hotel is popular with international businessmen and therefore keeps familiar things at hand.  I experiment fine with lunch and dinner but my stomach demands the familiar for breakfast.”

 

Victor smiled as Chris passed him a plate holding French toast.  Soon, Victor had a plate filled with things he hadn’t eaten since he left Russia.  Yuuri said nothing but watched sadly knowing his metabolism would never match Victor’s.  Chris raised an eyebrow and Phichit asked the obvious question. “So...are you going to eat all that?”

 

Victor looked over with surprise.  “I have a fast metabolism,” he explained.  “My weight rarely fluctuates more than three pounds.  It will be back down by the end of the day.”

 

The others pouted with a bit of envy.  Victor shifted uncomfortably.  Yuuri reached over and squeezed his hand reassuringly.  “I’m sure it is nice to have some of your favorites after being away from home.  We should make a point to explore beyond the traditional Japanese meals at home.”  

 

“Oh, god, Yuuri...you fed the boy on rice and eggs?  No wonder he’s starved!”  Chris added.

 

The conversation eased and a smile teased at Victor’s lips as Chris and Phichit shared some of their antics over the last month.  His eyes fluttered up to watch Yuuri laughing openly.  He began to feel his tension melting away.

 

Glancing around, Victor spotted their guard.  Yuuri’s grandfather paid for eight men to travel with them and Victor knew they were good at their job.  Takehiko wouldn’t trust anyone with his grandson’s safety…and for some reason, Victor’s safety was important to the old man as well.  He tried to force himself to relax further.

 

It was Phichit’s suggestion that brought them both to a stall.  “We should go sightseeing.” 

 

Yuuri studied his partner thoughtfully before suggesting, “Maybe we could do something…just to get out of the hotel.  No pictures though, Phichit.”

 

“No pictures?”  The Thai man looked stricken.

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “I want to give nothing away about our location.”

 

Phichit nodded, realizing what Yuuri was saying.  “How about I hold onto them a few days?” he bargained.  Yuuri glanced at Victor before nodding in agreement.

 

They ended up touring the [ Lama Temple ](http://www.tour-beijing.com/blog/beijing-travel/how-to-visit-lama-temple) and browsing booths at the  [ Silk Market ](http://www.tour-beijing.com/attraction_guide/silk_market.php#.WTyVcOvyt3Q) .  The body guards drew close in the more crowded locations.  They backed off a bit when the view was open.  Victor soon became used to the travel conditions and started to relax, even enjoying himself and the company of his companions.

 

They returned to the hotel shortly after dinner and Victor found himself nodding off fairly quickly in his own bed.  Yuuri tucked the blankets around Victor before crawling into his own bed.  Sometime during the night he felt the mattress give.  Opening his eyes, he found Victor settling in next to him.  “Is this okay?” the younger man whispered.

 

Yuuri nodded, pulling Victor into his embrace.  “I was already missing you.”

 

“I…woke up cold.  And afraid,” the younger man confessed.

 

“A nightmare?”

 

Victor nodded.  “I don’t want tea…” he rushed before Yuuri could push him away.  “I just…want to be close to you.  Is that okay?”

 

“Yes…if it’s truly what you want it is okay.”

 

“Thank you, Yuuri,” he whispered, snuggling his head under Yuuri’s chin.  “You are my safe place.”

 

* * *

 

 

 

Two uneventful days passed by as they practiced in the morning and toured someplace new in the afternoons.  On the second evening they went to the [ Beijing Zoo](http://www.tour-beijing.com/attraction_guide/beijing_zoo.php#.WTyMfuvyt3Q) .  Victor smiled as they explored the Panda House, remembering their first date and the panda onigiri.  Phichit was even less restrained that day and Victor found himself openly laughing with the others at the antics the Thai man got into.  On the third day, Chris begged off with the arrival of his boyfriend leaving Phichit alone with Yuuri and Victor.   They explored the [ Temple of Heaven](http://www.tour-beijing.com/blog/beijing-travel/tips-for-visiting-the-temple-of-heaven) early catching a glimpse of the locals enjoying the park before grabbing breakfast and going to skate.  That afternoon, they visited the [ National Grand Theatre](http://www.tour-beijing.com/blog/beijing-travel/how-to-visit-national-grand-theatre-in-beijing) and wrapped up with a late evening exploration of the [ Olympic Village](http://www.tour-beijing.com/blog/beijing-travel/how-to-visit-birds-nest-and-water-cube) to see the Bird’s Nest and the Water Cube.  

 

Day four arrived and Victor slept late, resting until ice time, curled up next to Yuuri who played on his phone until Victor was ready to move.  After he finished skating, they returned to enjoy a low key evening.  Phichit joined them with his computer and they sprawled across the bed watching videos. Victor loved the insights to Yuuri’s life as Phichit showed him videos and regaled him with stories of his old roommate.  He looked over to catch Yuuri covering his face once more and whining to Phichit to please not tell  _ that _ story.   It made Yuuri…more human, more real than ever before. 

 

Victor realized that up until this moment there was still a god-like quality to Yuuri.  Sure, he messed up but his gentle nature and patience seemed to cover all of those mistakes.  Yuuri was his idol, and rescuing Victor did nothing to diminish that.  It brought him within reach. 

 

That evening he kept watching Yuuri, feeling something shift inside of him.  He knew he was in love with this man, he wanted to be with him.  He realized, though, that there was so much to this man that he did not know…and that didn’t scare him.  It might take a lifetime to uncover the layers to this man but he wanted that time, which meant he had to be rid of Mikhail. 

 

As Phichit retreated to his room, Yuuri left him alone to shower.  Returning, he found Victor watching the door he had disappeared into with contemplation.  He didn’t flinch at being caught, but merely lifted his eyes to meet Yuuri’s and held them.  Yuuri could see a decision in their depths.

 

He stepped forward and sat on the mattress beside the younger man.  “You skate tomorrow,” he murmured.  “Shower and rest.”  Victor nodded, unfolding his legs and moving towards the bathroom.  He glanced back to catch Yuuri’s regard.  Something had definitely shifted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love to hear from you. If too busy to comment, kudos and shares are awesome. Thank you for reading.


	29. Let Me Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confronting fears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to BluSkates for getting to this. Such a busy time of year!

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

 

[ Let Me Go ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENrj5u_lrWw)

 

Yuuri woke up to Victor snuggling into him.  Laughing softly he slipped his arms around and the Russian and tightened his embrace.  The younger man had three inches on him and with his build, close to thirty pounds but could crawl into Yuuri’s arms like it was nothing.  Propping his chin on his hands across Yuuri’s chest, Victor pouted.

 

“Good morning, _anata_.  What has you upset?”

 

Victor shrugged.  “Not really upset.  Nervous.  Overwhelmed.  Scared.  But…not upset.”

 

“That’s enough,” Yuuri murmured, sliding his hands through Victor’s hair.  Then a thought occurred to him.  Shifting and testing Victor’s resolve, all of the sudden he flipped the younger man.  He received an open mouthed face as a reward.

 

“Y-yuuri!”

 

The older man winked and then slid his fingers lightly down Victor’s side holding those blue eyes that watched him in rapt anticipation, wondering what Yuuri was going to do to him.  He reached the base of those ribs before he started to tickle.  Victor opened his mouth once more before those giggles took over.

 

“Yuuri!  Please!” he begged, clutching his stomach.  Yuuri finally pulled off of him, his eyes crinkling and head tilting to one side.  Victor’s smile touched him and he couldn’t help the smile vibrating through him.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Yuuri came up behind a seated Victor in the dressing room.  Taking the brush from the younger man’s hand, he began working through the tangles with practiced ease.  They had tried several styles previously for this skate.  Victor loved how his hair flowed with it long but hated when it landed in his face.  For Eros, they decided to braid back two sections of hair joining the rest into a long ponytail.  Victor titled his head back and offered Yuuri an appreciative smile.

 

It was when they entered the space reserved for ISU officials, skaters, and coaches that Victor seemed to draw closer to Yuuri.  “Are you okay?” the older man whispered.  Victor nodded but his body language betrayed his anxiety and fear.  Yuuri placed a calming hand on the small of Victor’s back and guided him to where Chris and Phichit waited.

 

“Vitya!” a voice called with a decidedly Russian accent.  Victor turned, startled, and spotted Yakov, his old coach, standing beside Georgi.  Glancing towards Yuuri, the brunette dropped his hand as Victor ran to the old man and threw his arms around him.  Yuuri felt a smile playing at his lips.  He heard Yakov’s gruff voice as they chatted back and forth in Russian.  Victor turned towards Yuuri and waved him forward.

 

“Yuuri, this is Yakov!”

 

Yuuri nodded with a reserved smile.  “Coach Feltsman.  Your reputation precedes you.  It’s an honor to meet you finally.”

 

“I must admit that you’ve garnered quite the reputation as well, Katsuki.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “Probably only half of that is true,” he admitted.

 

The old coach surprised him with a gruff laugh.  “I suppose the same can be assumed about my own reputation.”  Stepping closer, he added under his breath, “We’ve lost track of him again.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I’ve got several bodyguards watching over us.”

 

Yakov grunted in acceptance.  Turning back to Victor, he offered a few more words before he pulled away to focus on his own skater.  Victor watched him walk away, a sad expression on his face.

 

“Come, Vitya.  Let’s go stretch,” Yuuri suggested, guiding him down a hallway away from the crowds.  He could feel Victor’s tension.  “Remember, _anata_ , I’ve got you.  You are safe,” he murmured, sliding a reassuring hand up and down Victor’s arm as his other hand rested on the skater’s back.

 

Yuuri helped Victor stretch as he talked softly, bringing Victor to center.  Victor finally brought his legs into a criss-cross and Yuuri dropped down in front of him taking hold of his hands.  They shared a pair of earbuds playing soft instrumental[ music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Z5EjAmZS1o) .  Yuuri had _Eros_ cued up to switch over as his words reached to the interpretation.  Victor closed his eyes, putting his trust in Yuuri.

 

“Listen to the sound of my voice, Vitya.  I want you to follow the rise and the fall of my words.  Take a deep breath in with the rise and release it with the falling cadence.  In…out…now imagine with me that we are in the field behind the inn.  Remember the fireflies as they flit about at night and the butterflies floating about during the daytime.

 

“If you recall, there is a platform there.  Imagine us on that platform.  Now the platform has a certain quality.  It is completely safe.  Once you set foot on that surface, you are enveloped in a shield.  That shield only allows those with good intentions to come near you.

 

“Now, we are sitting on that platform.  There is a breeze and it is pulling at your hair.  As it comes in, you feel it unlocking your tension.  As it pulls out, your tension goes with it.  You feel yourself become completely relaxed.”

 

Victor’s hands loosened in Yuuri’s, his shoulders settled, his chin dropped down.  Yuuri reached for the phone and switched songs.  “Now we are in Minako’s studio.  The energy is different, electric.  You take the lead and we dance a salsa, a tango.  You personify the music, the heat, the passion.  You go from being the seduced to taking charge, to seducing.  You are Eros.”

 

Victor blinked as Yuuri tapped his wrist three times, their signal to come out of the semi-hypnotic state.  “How do you feel?” Yuuri asked.

 

Victor tilted his head and smiled, leaning forward to brush his lips on Yuuri’s cheek, catching the corner of his lip, startling Yuuri.  Running his thumb over the path, he nodded.  “I am relaxed and ready to skate.”

 

Victor skated onto the ice a quarter of an hour later and turned to find Yuuri at the boards, hand over his heart as he returned Victor’s gaze.  He skated before Yuuri and touched their foreheads.  “Keep your eyes on me, Yuuri,” he demanded, a fire flickering in his eyes.

 

“Always,” Yuuri breathed, his hand sliding up the side of Victor’s cheek.  Victor remembered the first night in China when Yuuri brushed a kiss over his wrist.  Victor now turned in that touch and brushed a kiss over Yuuri’s pulse point.  He heard that quick intake of breath before pushing back and skating backwards, a smirk on his lips.  With a flirt on the swing of his hips, he turned allowing the half skirt flutter and tease with his movements.

 

Finding his position, he shimmied his arms down his body and turned to wink at Yuuri as the[ music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUDR2bflM1s) opened before kicking off into a seductive step sequence.  Yuuri watched him, mesmerized, as Victor demanded his attention through his twists and turns, hips and hands teasing Yuuri, telling the story of a playboy and his beautiful lover.  Yuuri was breathless as Victor transitioned into a spin, his leg extended.  Victor drew his eyes in the next sequence leading into the spread eagle.  He launched the triple axel landing it beautifully before setting up for the next jump.  The three-turn led into the quad salchow casting another gaze towards Yuuri.  The spin led into a forward inside three-turn.  Digging his toe pick in, Victor launched into a quad toe loop followed by the triple toe loop.  His edge didn’t grab in on the landing and Victor recovered with only a touch down.  Steadying, he went straight into his final combination spin.  He closed with his arms wrapped around him, his eyes resting on Yuuri in challenge.

 

He skated to the kiss and cry where Yuuri met him as he dug for breath once his composure was allowed to slip.  “I touched down on the triple toe, Yuuri!” he breathed out as Yuuri handed him his water bottle.

 

“You delivered all of the other components exceptionally.”  They waited and listened, Victor leaning into Yuuri’s arms.  Finally, the scores were announced.  98.4.  Victor’s eyes widened.  It was his new personal best for a short program and he held first.

 

The short programs ended with Victor in the lead and Georgi, second.  Third went to Guang Hong.  Phichit sat in fourth with Chris following in fifth.  Leo closed out the group in sixth place.

 

The reporters crowded around Victor to ask how it felt to leave the short program in first.  Victor responded, “As close as the short program scores landed, it’s still anyone’s skate.  I look forward to the free skate with my competitors.”

 

* * *

 

 

Victor and Yuuri finally were able to leave the stadium, Chris and Phichit flanking them as they talked.  Victor’s intake of breath and subsequent freeze drew their attention suddenly.  “Masha,” Victor breathed out under his breath, fear vibrating off his skin.

 

Yuuri instinctively stepped in front of Victor with Chris and Phichit drawing close to either side of him.  The body guards moved in to surround him.  Coach Cialdini stood behind Victor, phone in hand calling security.

 

Victor reached out and placed a hand on Yuuri’s arm, restraining him as he stepped around the Japanese man.  Yuuri quickly moved to place two hands on Victor’s arms from behind as the other man squared his shoulders.  “What do you want, Mikhail?”  They were all well aware of the reporters looking on in interest.

 

Mikhail narrowed his eyes.  “I come to bring my fiancé home.”

 

“If you are talking about me, I never accepted your proposal.  The fact that I left and you haven’t seen me in months should have been answer enough.  I have no desire to be married to you or in any relationship with you for that matter.”

 

“You never cleared the apartment,” he countered.  “So many things were left behind.”

 

“That’s my past.  I’m moving forward.  Now, let me go.”  Victor’s eyes narrowed, piercing as he leveled them at the other man who may have the advantage of height on Victor as well as physical strength.  However, strength of will seemed to be leaning in favor of the silver-haired Russian.

 

“This isn’t over,” Mikhail warned.

 

Victor drew himself up to his full height, lifting his chin, and stated coldly, “Trust me. It is.”  

 

At that point, security stepped in and removed Mikhail from the premises.  Reporters converged but the bodyguards were able to load the skaters and their coaches into the waiting black Explorers.  They drove directly back to the hotel.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor held his back straight until they reached the safety of their room.  Here he collapsed into Yuuri’s embrace.  Chris ushered Phichit into the room and closed the door, securing the extra locks.  “Why won’t he just stay away?” Victor cried, shaking in Yuuri’s arms.

 

Yuuri brought him over to the bed.  “Bring me a blanket,” he called over to no one in particular.  Phichit handed him something soft and fuzzy and Yuuri recognized it as one that he packed in his luggage.  A smile jerked at his lips momentarily.  This blanket had comforted Yuuri on several occasions as he worked through his own breakdowns and Phichit knew that well.  Wrapping it around Victor’s shoulders and snuggling him into its folds, he murmured, “We’ve got you.  You’re safe now.”

 

Victor looked up, his eyes glittering with unshed tears.  “I know.  I’m just…frustrated.  I want to move on and he still has this hold on me.”

 

“No.  He doesn’t,” Yuuri stated firmly.  “You made the break clear.”

 

“He won’t listen,” Victor surmised.

 

Yuuri slipped his fingers through Victor’s hair before leaning forward to brush a kiss on his forehead.  “Then we’ll make him.  I won’t let him have you.  You are not an object to be owned.”

 

A smile tugged at Victor’s lips and he nodded.  Yuuri slipped in behind him, wrapping Victor in his arms.  It was then that he realized the rest of the activity in the room.  Phichit had his computer out, opened up and digging through data.  Chris was on his phone and after a moment, Yuuri realized he was talking with his partner.  He disconnected and offered a pained smile.

 

“Lawrie was worried after he learned about the confrontation,” Chris explained.  “He’s on his way over here.  I asked him to bring something to eat because we were staying in.”

 

Victor leaned his head into Yuuri’s neck and murmured, “I’m sorry.  You don’t have to stay.”

 

Chris dropped down in the bed in front of Victor and took his hand.  “Actually, I do.  Because if I leave without seeing this through, I would not sleep.  So if you will indulge me, I’m going to remain until this situation stabilizes.  I want to make sure you are safe and well.”

 

Victor sat up and looked at Chris with a surprised expression then shocked both Yuuri and Chris when he threw his arms around the Swiss man.  Chris quickly returned the embrace.  As Victor sat back, he turned to Phichit curiously.  “What are you working on?”

 

“At the moment, I have two things in process.  I could use your help, Yuuri.  It’s hard to track Mikhail and to monitor and subvert social media.”

 

Yuuri rubbed Victor’s back.  “Will you be okay if I leave you in Chris’s care?”

 

Victor nodded, unfolding his knees and relaxing a little.  He watched Yuuri pull out his own laptop and perch next to Phichit on the other bed.  They began interacting on some technical details on the computer, things beyond his comprehension.  Turning back to Chris, he watched the other man shrug.  “I never could keep up with what they do, either,” he confessed.

 

“How did you and Yuuri become friends?” Victor asked.

 

Chris chuckled.  “Now that’s a story.  You know about the Lost Boys, _oui_?”  Victor nodded in response.  “Well, a few years back, I was acquainted with Yuuri.  We skated against each other and had that sort of  competitive camaraderie.  He had no idea what was going on in my personal life.  I was private.  The D/s life is not mainstream and is not necessarily accepted by others.  And some use it against you.  So I had my public face and the one I reserved for private times.”

 

“I understand about that,” Victor murmured.

 

Chris nodded.  “The problem is that not all doms are good to you.  Some will use it as an excuse to abuse.  Others are just selfish assholes.  The best will take care of you and make sure you are safe, secure, grounded.  Submitting is tricky because you have to be able to trust the other person to properly sink down into subspace.  The dom I was with the night I met Yuuri received a call.  He abandoned me while I was still down.  I don’t know if the call was important or if he just didn’t care.  I never spoke with him again after that.”

 

A knock at the door brought all of their attention and Chris’s phone buzzed.  Glancing down, he smiled.  “That’s Lawrie.  One moment, Victor.”  Chris went to the door and opened it to let in another man who also brought in a few bags.  “What did you do?”

 

The other man shrugged.  “I didn’t know what everyone would want so I picked up a variety of comfort foods and healthy options.  I also grabbed water bottles.  How is your friend?”

 

Chris guided his partner into the room and secured the door once more.  Depositing the bags on a nearby table, he led the brunette over to meet Victor.  “Victor, this is my partner Lawrence, although we all call him Lawrie.  Lawrie, this is Victor.”

 

Lawrie dropped down next to Victor and studied him carefully.  “I am a trained psychologist if you need to talk.”

 

“Th-thank you.  Chris was telling me about how he met Yuuri.”

 

Lawrie smiled warmly.  “Then I’ll let you have him back while I lay out the food I’ve brought.  I know you all must be hungry.”

 

“God, yes,” echoed Phichit.

 

Lawrie chuckled.  “And what does a peach eat?  Honey?”

 

Phichit wrinkled his nose.  “I should probably stick to protein and veggies.  What do you have?”

 

“A vegetable tray, some marinated beef and pork, a chicken dish that has a bit of a kick, oh, and rice if you need a carb boost.”

 

“Yes!  He brought us Chinese food!”

 

Lawrie chuckled.  “Well, when in Rome…”  He watched Phichit dig through the contents of the food laid out.  Yuuri slipped over second and Lawrie watched with a raised eyebrow as he took a dish to Victor who thanked him softly before preparing his own.  Chris and Lawrie prepared their own next.

 

Sitting back in front of Victor, Chris murmured, “Now where was I?”

 

“You’d just been abandoned by your dom,” Victor supplied.

 

Chris nodded thoughtfully.  “I was slipping into a drop stage, not near as aware of my surroundings as I should be.  I don’t know how long a sat on the roof, feet dangling in the pool when Yuuri came out for fresh air that night.  It was late.  My focus, though, was still narrow.  I couldn’t seem to reach the ground.  Yuuri asked me if I was alright.

 

“I don’t even know if I answered.”

 

“You didn’t,” Yuuri supplied.  “You kept staring into the water, that’s how I knew something was wrong.”

 

“Somehow Yuuri drew my focus on him.  I realized who he was and that he was my fellow competitor.  He had a reputation for being soft spoken.  I…grounded to him.  He coaxed me to go down the elevator with him and I stayed in the room he shared with Phichit that night.  Really, they both took care of me.  Phichit was young…I think seventeen…probably close to eighteen.  Yuuri, he was closer to twenty or twenty-one.  I was young, too…playing with fire before I learned how to keep from being burned.

 

“I didn’t know…enough to be dealing with the play, enough to protect myself…and because of that I put myself in harm’s way.  Yuuri invited me to spend the summer with him in Hasetsu.  It gave me time to fully recover from the depression that still persisted.  I was safe because Yuuri watched over those he took in.  I didn’t know why.  I just knew I was safe.

 

“I met Lawrie the following year when I was looking for a tutor to help me keep up my studies during competition season.  He was a TA at the university I attended and we started seeing each other soon after.  It was Lawrie who taught me what I needed to know in order to play safely.  And it was Lawrie who taught me how a dom should care for his sub.  But it was Yuuri that grounded me that night and helped me to come down.  I’m not sure…what would have happened otherwise.”

 

Victor turned his eyes towards Yuuri and caught the sad smile on his lips, the sadness in his eyes.  He wondered about that sadness.  Victor drew in a deep breath, releasing it shakily.

 

Phichit’s words cut through those thoughts.  “Are you seeing this?”

 

Yuuri leaned over, tapping his lips with the crook of his finger while he studied the screen.    “His money trail is telling.  Vitya?  I’m going to put a fraud alert on your identity.  I believe Mikhail is traveling on your credit.”

 

“W-what?”

 

“There is a credit card tied to your name with travel going from Russia to China.  I also have the hotel information.”

 

“What will that do?”

 

“It gives the authorities further grounds to hold him.  It will at least ensure that he is held while we are in China.”

 

Victor nodded quietly.  “I guess…that’s something.”

 

Yuuri typed a few keys, giving a satisfied nod.  “Mikhail Volkov, you are in check.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot happening over the next chapters so keep reading!
> 
> (How many of us are ready for "Check mate, Mikhail!"?)


	30. Rise

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

 

[ Rise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEOCMwxkuvE)

 

Victor’s whimpers pulled Yuuri from his sleep and he felt the other man climbing up into his arms, burying himself into Yuuri’s shoulder.  Yuuri tightened his embrace whispering soothing phrases to the younger man.  It took some time to soothe him but eventually he rested once more for a short while. The night was long, though, and Yuuri was awakened more than once by the needs of his partner.

 

As the morning dawned, both looked worse for the wear and were thankful for the day in between skates.  Yuuri forced Victor to rest through the morning ordering breakfast and lunch to their room.  By afternoon, they were showered and dressed.  The bodyguards escorted them to the practice rink and Victor ran through his free skate and practiced the elements under Yuuri’s direction.  Finally satisfied, Yuuri took him back to their room.

 

As Yuuri settled onto the bed, he was startled when Victor crawled into his lap.  He realized how much Victor was holding back as he buried himself into Yuuri’s arms.  “How do I let it go?” Victor whispered into Yuuri’s chest.

 

“Would you like me to bring in Lawrie?  Or maybe Chris?” Yuuri offered, his hand sliding through Victor's hair and down his back.

 

Victor hesitated then nodded slowly.  He needed to clear his head so that he could skate the next day.  Yuuri sent a text and waited.  It took almost half an hour for them to arrive.

 

“My apologies, Yuuri,” Lawrie greeted.  “Chris and I were out when you texted.”

 

“It’s not a problem, Lawrie.  Come in both of you.”

 

Victor was seated on the sofa in the sitting area wrapped in a blanket.  Yuuri took the space next to him, supporting him.  Chris and Lawrie pulled the two chairs forward to sit close.

 

“What kind of therapies are you under?” Lawrie asked, seeking some background, not wanting to interfere with what Victor had already undertaken..

 

Victor looked up surprised.  “Oh, Hashimoto has my Cognitive Based Therapy supported by EMDR.  I was doing well until...this happened.”

 

“These kinds of things can temporarily derail our therapies but don’t let it hold you back,” Lawrie encouraged.  “I brought Chris because the two of you have already established a rapport.  Yuuri is here for support.  Let’s talk about what happened.”

 

Victor nodded offering a weak smile to Chris.  “You know my story and what happened yesterday.  What you may not know is that I have vivid nightmares. They start out like yesterday; Mikhail crosses our path trying, somehow, to get me away from Yuuri.  I keep seeing Yuuri try to intervene, and these nightmares...I keep seeing Yuuri killed.  I know that this is a far-fetched scenario, but in my heart this is a very real fear.”

 

Lawrie took Victor’s hand in his.  Victor trembled, his silver hair falling over half of his face like a waterfall as he leaned forward.  Lawrie covered that hand with his other before speaking.  “Fears are always real to us.  Even the most implausible of fears.  We will not discount them.  Tell me what thoughts have been the most plaguing since yesterday.”

 

“I keep replaying the confrontation over and over.  Yuuri, you stepped in front of me,” he stated, his voice shaking as he turned to face his partner.

 

“I know,” Yuuri answered calmly.

 

Victor shook his head vehemently.  “I…never want you to do that.  If he hurts me, that is a consequence of decisions from my past.  Even though I am trying to move past that, I can’t bear the idea of you getting hurt in the process.”

 

“Vitya…”  A protest sat at the back of Yuuri’s throat.

 

“No, Yuuri,” he stated, his voice now unwavering.  “You are not to step between us.  I’ll accept the bodyguards taking that risk but not you.  All of my worst nightmares culminate in you getting hurt, possibly killed.  I can’t bear that.  You must promise me.”

 

Yuuri held his gaze and tightened his jaw.  “I can’t watch you put yourself at risk.”

 

“I feel the same,” Victor stated quietly, taking his hand in Yuuri’s, “but I am asking you to allow me to bear my consequence.”

 

“Vitya…”  Pain edged Yuuri’s voice.

 

Victor turned towards the other two men.  Chris studied Yuuri uncertainly but Lawrie met his eyes.  “Lawrie, I ask that you mediate for me.”  The older man held his eyes for a long moment before nodding in agreement.

 

“Lawrie!” Yuuri protested.

 

“Victor gets to decide what he can live with as a result of his actions,” Lawrie stated firmly.

 

“But what if I can’t live with him getting hurt?” Yuuri argued.

 

Lawrie held his friends’ eyes.  “It’s frankly not your decision.  You’ve got the protocols in place to protect him.  Trust them.  Support him but respect his wishes.”

 

“Thank you,” Victor whispered.

 

Yuuri frowned.  He was not happy but he didn’t want to add to Victor’s pain or stress.  Thus, he reluctantly agreed.  “I’m going along with this under protest,” he stated, a rare pout in his expression.

 

His reward was Victor in his arms burying himself close.  “Thank you.  I need this…so thank you.”

 

Yuuri felt his frown slipping into an indulgent smile.  He looked over at the other two men, his expression tormented.

 

Lawrie flattened his lips.  He didn’t want to go against Yuuri’s protective instincts but also recognized that this was a necessary step for Victor.  “It’s going to be fine,” he reassured the younger man before him, holding his brown eyes.  He had two years on Yuuri, four on Chris, five on Phichit…and at twenty-nine he sometimes felt like the old man of the bunch.  Not quite in the group, just hanging on the peripheral of this rare dynamic.  Still, Yuuri welcomed him and made him a part since his presence had become regular in Chris’s life.  And now, Yuuri deferred to him in this matter and he hoped he wouldn’t regret siding with Victor, the youngest of them all.

 

Yuuri nodded reluctantly.  He wanted to believe Lawrie.  But Victor buried in his arms pulled on all of his protective instincts.

 

After their friends departed, Yuuri tucked in his lover for the night, kissing his hairline as he held onto the younger man.  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.    

 

“I know,” Victor murmured.  He drew a deep breath before continuing.  “I know what I’m asking you isn’t easy.”

 

Yuuri tightened his embrace.  “No one ever said it was supposed to be easy.”

 

They fell asleep wrapped up in one another.

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri’s fingers worked adeptly with Victor’s hair, flipping another rubber banded section, one section after another developing a cage around the bulk of his hair.  He then wound the jeweled strands through the silver locks securing it in several locations so that it wouldn’t come loose.

 

Victor removed his jacket, his costume elegantly fading from black to red to white, crystals tracing arcs that gathered at his left hip to spread across his right shoulder.   A silk scarf ruffle caught the line of the opposite collar creating a V mid-chest.  The left sleeve repeated the ombre dye fading from white at the shoulder through the reds down to black at the fingers where his black glove protected his hand.  The right sleeve was a length of the white silk sprinkled in crystals that continued onto his white glove.

 

When Victor presented the design to Yuuri, he said that it represented hope and a journey from the dark part of his life to the light.   Yuuri took it to his costumier who created the design from scratch, consulting back and forth with Victor until he was satisfied with the costume.  Yuuri’s costume designed by Victor currently sat on her work table, crystals being attached one by one.

 

Yuuri took his hands as they approached the entrance to the rink.

 

“Am I ready?” Victor whispered.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “In every way.  You are beautiful.  Your program is perfect, designed just for you.  This is your statement to the world, your claim for your humanity.  This is you, declaring that you are taking it all back, that you do not go quietly, but will fight for purchase in this world.  And I am proud to stand beside you as you make this claim.”

 

Victor stood before the boards, forehead pressed into Yuuri’s.  This was his program.   _King_.  “Yuuchan?”

 

“Yes, Vitya?” Yuuri answered, his hands framing Victor’s face tenderly.

 

“This skate is also for you.”  Victor leaned forward, brushed his lips over Yuuri’s.  “Mikhail may try to take me away but I will always choose you, Yuuri.  I do not belong to him.  That is the most important declaration I can make.”

 

“You.  You are incandescent, Vitya.” Yuuri’s fingers trailed from Victor’s cheek to his neck.  “And even when someone tries to snuff out your light, you will glow from within, shattering misconceptions.  I saw you before them.  Tell everyone this is who you are.”

 

Victor’s intake of breath answered him.  Victor ran his thumb over Yuuri’s lips.  “I love you.”  He finished with another brush of lips before finding the opening position for[ _King_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZeVx_9au5g).  

 

Victor splayed his fingers before his body, one arm raised more than the other as if shielding himself.  Lowering his head, he waited for the music to cue his movements.  He kicked off the skate with a sense of loss, mourning, his arms heavy, moving back and forth on the ice as if he lacked direction culminating in a spin that wrapped up on the word “control”.  He shoved off with purpose from the spin, shaking off the bonds that held him, the monsters within his thoughts.

 

The step sequence was designed to show the uncertainty, the self-doubt, imitating a faltering spirit before taking charge once more, reclaiming with a mohawk turn leading into a quad flip.  Yuuri jerked his fist in triumph at seeing the landing nailed…the announcer’s excitement echoed his motion.  The purpose that flowed through Victor manifested into the ambitious jump elements, demanding his body to give him reclamation, demanding that he was more.  Always more.   Until he loved himself once again.

 

Victor embraced himself as he closed into the final position then raised his arms as the spin enveloped him coming to a stop, one arm raised, the other with the hand fisted over his heart.  Turning to Yuuri, he saw that he also held a hand fisted to his heart.  They were enveloped in one another’s space, holding each other’s eyes.  It took a few moments for the roar of the crowd to reach him and he laughed on realization...pure joy wrapping around him as his head fell back and he spun in a circle.

 

Skating to the kiss and cry, he jumped into Yuuri’s embrace hearing his answering laugh before he found those lips and claimed Yuuri’s kiss.  Yuuri was definitely his choice and he refused to let Mikhail take him away.

 

“Come, Vitya.” Yuuri urged as he put on Victor’s guards for him.  They settled into the kiss and cry section and waited for the scoring.

 

204.96

 

Victor’s eyes widened as he turned to Yuuri.  “That can’t be right.  I…”

 

“You skated perfectly,” Yuuri stated quietly.  “This is you.”

 

“I’ve…never scored like that.  I’ve never broken two hundred,” Victor protested in disbelief.

 

“This is just the beginning,” Yuuri whispered.  “My amazing, beautiful Victor…you are just now tasting your potential.”

 

Victor was overwhelmed as he hid into his hands.  He accepted Yuuri’s arms as the older man guided him from the spotlight.  “I did it,” he whispered.  

 


	31. Let Me Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri opens up about part of his past to Victor. And then four simple rules.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for taking care of me. I know this reads better due to your efforts.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Discussion of non-consensual advances and sexual harassment.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

* * *

 

[ Let Me Love You ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euCqAq6BRa4)

 

 

They returned to their room after celebrating with their friends.  Phichit’s silver and Chris’s bronze.  Yuuri placed the gold on the nightstand as Victor readied himself for bed, changing into pajama bottoms and a soft t-shirt while Victor was in the bathroom showering off the sweat from earlier.

 

Yuuri studied the computer screen when he felt the mattress shift.  Looking up, he smiled as Victor crawled across the bed and settled in next to him.  “Netflix?”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “I mean, we could.”  Victor leaned over his shoulder snuggling in.  Then he reached around Yuuri and closed the screen.  Yuuri glanced back surprised.  “Or maybe…not?”

 

“Yuuri…”  His lips brushed against Yuuri’s cheek and his hand slid around Yuuri’s shoulder.

 

“Vitya?” Yuuri’s breath caught in his throat.  Victor moved around on his knees and removed the laptop from Yuuri’s lap and set it safely off the bed as he leaned across the other man.  Yuuri’s hand rested on Victor’s hip as the younger man rocked back onto his heels.  “Vitya, what are you doing?”

 

“Yuuri, I want you.  You said…when I’m ready…”

 

Yuuri sucked in a breath.  “I-I…I said…when we’re both ready.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened.  “You’re not?”

 

“I…don’t know.  I mean…I’m not sure?” he confessed.

 

Victor tilted his head, frowning thoughtfully.  “I-I thought you were waiting on me.”

 

“I am…but I don’t…” Yuuri drew in a frustrated breath.  “I love you.”  It was a delay tactic and an attempt to reassure Victor.

 

“You just don’t…want me,” Victor concluded filling in the blanks of the unfinished sentence, his head dropped down, confused and hurt.

 

Yurri sucked a breath in.  Nothing was ever easy with Victor.  He moved in broad strokes or not at all.  Yuuri reached over and traced his fingers down the side of Victor’s face, lifting his chin.  “It’s not a matter of not wanting you, Vitya,” he began tenderly.  “I…need to tell you something more about myself.  Have you ever wondered why…I cut myself off from sex?”

 

Victor nodded slowly.  “I thought maybe…you were just shy,” he whispered.

 

Yuuri smiled softly.  “That could be part of it.  It’s more than that.  When I did…try…I had a panic attack.”

 

“W-why?  When?”

 

“I was probably around nineteen.  It was my first year in college.  Before I ever laid eyes on you.   After Hikaru.”

 

“Did he…do something to you?”

 

Yuuri shook his head sadly.  “More like I scared the shit out of him.  He took me home, mumbled apologies, and we never spoke again.  I…wasn’t upset about that because I didn’t know him very well.  We had a class together, would grab lunch after, then finally I agreed on a date.  When I arrived at class the next day, he had moved across the room and avoided my eyes.  So I knew it was over.”

 

“That…must have been startling,” Victor concluded, reaching out to take Yuuri’s hand in his.  “But why did you have a panic attack?”

 

“Hikaru,” Yuuri said quietly.

 

“You said you just kissed,” Victor stated with surprise.

 

“That’s all I ever initiated.  However…the year he lived with us was…difficult.  I…haven’t really told anyone this.  Mari figured part of it out and got Grandfather involved.  Phichit knows there was somebody but…I never offered any details.”

 

Victor watched him, his eyes wide, processing the information as it tumbled out.

 

“H-he would sneak into my room.  He wanted a relationship still and…would try to use emotional pressure to get it.  He would talk about how lonely he was, or how bad he felt about himself, trying to use guilt to manipulate me into giving him more than I was comfortable with.  I kept pushing him away.  When that failed, he escalated into really inappropriate behavior.  I woke up more than once with him in my bed.  Sometimes he’d be kissing me and I’d push him away and tell him to back off.  A couple of times…he’d have his hands on me.  One time, he was grinding against me.  It was…bazaar.  I didn’t know how to respond.  That’s when I started escaping to the attic.  When Mari caught me sleeping up there, she called me on it.”

 

“What…did you say?”

 

“That Hikaru made me uncomfortable.  She was about to kick him out but I still…felt bad that he had no place to go. His graduation was approaching, so…she talked to Grandfather and he made a place for Hikaru in his Tokyo offices.  I don’t think Grandfather gave him much of a choice.  I know Mari knew I was holding back a lot.”

 

“They said you weren’t in a relationship with him.”

 

“And they were right…but that didn’t mean that Hikaru wasn’t pushing for something more.  And…after that, I…well, it feeds into my anxiety.”

 

“But that one night…that we…”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips.  “That’s because my focus was on you.  My anxiety was there, though, at the edge of my thoughts, but I was concentrated on you, making you feel good.  And perhaps…I can move past it.  I pushed past it that night.  I truly want to be with you.  But…I don’t want to rush into it.  I need to...test my limits slowly.”

 

Victor tugged at his hair uncertainly, frowning.  “I was…open to whatever you would want.  It never occurred to me that you…I thought you were just waiting for me.”

 

“I…was trying to tell you.  It’s hard for me to talk about it.  I buried that past a long time ago.  Ten years.  I only dated in college because it was the normal thing.”  He chuckled wryly at the surprised look Victor gave him.  “Yes…I, too, know what it’s like to force myself to be ‘normal’.  After that disastrous date, I sort of cut myself off.  I focused on skating until Phichit came into my life.”

 

“Phichit?”

 

“He’s the lost boy who rescued Pan,” Yuuri murmured with a soft smile.  “He told me that it was fine to not want sex…that I might be asexual, like him.  And that’s how we left it until I saw you skate.  Then he suggested that I might require a deeper connection.  He…never knew the full truth of my past.  Still, he made me okay with myself, accepting my limitations until I was ready to push past them.”

 

Victor held his eyes thoughtfully.   “You…were willing to wait for me to be ready.”

 

“As long as it took…”

 

“I…just didn’t know,” Victor murmured.  “I can wait for you, Yuuchan.  I want us to be at that place together.”

 

Yuuri smiled softly, whispering “thank you” as he reached for the younger man.  Victor hesitated only a moment before burying himself into Yuuri’s embrace.  “I don’t want to lose you,” he confessed.

 

Victor shook his head even as he held on tightly.  “You can’t…you are where I want to be.  I love you too much to walk away.”

 

“Vitya…”  Yuuri’s lips found his, opening to Victor tenderly reaching into him, his tongue tracing his teeth before slipping deeper into him.  Victor moaned softly, chasing after that connection.  As they parted, Yuuri studied the man before him.  “You had a way of putting things when we first started being intimate.  You would say ‘I can do this’…and what I heard was ‘I want to do this’ but now I think I understand.  There is a limit.  You were willing to go that far but no further…but it wasn’t necessarily where you wanted to go.”

 

Victor nodded slowly, his cheeks tinting.

 

“I want to set some rules between us…and you can feel free to discuss them so that we can come to an agreement.  First, we add to ‘I can’ statements ‘I want’ statements.  The lower limit rules.” 

 

He watched for Victor to nod in agreement. 

 

“Second, we do not get hurt if one of us can’t do something…because it doesn’t mean we don’t want to but sometimes…our minds crowd in.”

 

Victor sucked in his breath and Yuuri could hear the sob lying behind his lips lodged somewhere in the younger man’s throat.

 

“Third, we use safe words.  Even though we aren’t doing anything that would normally require them but, for us, our boundaries are tighter.”

 

Victor nodded.  “Yes…that way if it’s too much…”

 

“…we have a comfortable way to stop what is happening.  My thoughts are using red, yellow, and green.  Red means full stop.  Yellow means stop to talk through something but not necessarily a full stop.  And green…means all is well but gives us a way to check on one another.”

 

“I-I have never been allowed to stop it…”

 

“I will never force you, Vitya.  But I may also need to stop something.”

 

Victor sat back and crossed his legs, frowning thoughtfully.  “So what does this mean about us?  Are we…intimate?  Are we still…platonic?”

 

Yuuri laughed softly.  “I think…we are about to be intimate.  But unlike before, we are talking it over first.  I think…that is good?”

 

Victor nodded.  “I-I’ve never felt the kind of control you offer me.”  He propped his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands.  “What if I do something…self-destructive?”

 

Yuuri regarded him thoughtfully.  “You are referring to how you painted yourself.  If I catch it and you don’t, I’ll call yellow.  Now that I know sometimes you do things out of how you’ve been…conditioned, I can be more aware.”

 

“That…is good.  I don’t want to hurt myself…and it upsets you as well.  But sometimes…things happen up here.”  He pointed towards his head.

 

“Trust me.  I’m well aware of how our headspace can fuck with us.  Which is why I need you to feel free to call yellow or red on me if you see me getting caught up in  _ my _ headspace.”

 

“I think we are our own worst enemies,” Victor pouted.

 

Yuuri smiled gently.  “Maybe not our worst…but we’re up there.  And unfortunately, it makes us easy to fuck with…because, well, where was your head space at nineteen?”

 

“Before Mikhail?  I was…lonely.  I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere…or to anyone.  I had no family to speak of.  Well, I had Yakov.  But…I needed affection and touch.  And no one was giving it to me.  I could seek it out but no one…sought me.  Until Mikhail.”

 

“People like that look for us when we are vulnerable.”

 

Victor nodded.  “Yeah…and by the time I realized what was going on, I felt…stuck.”

 

“He isolated you and forced your dependence.”

 

Victor dropped his chin, a pout on his lips.  Looking back up, he shook his hair back.  “Will I ever be free of him?”

 

“You are more and more free each day.  Some are subtle moves on your part and others are bold ones.  One day you won’t even look back.  Then you know you are truly free.”

 

Victor chewed on his lips as he stared at the brown eyed man in front of him.  “I-I still want to kiss you, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri reached out a hand to Victor and the younger man laced their fingers together as Yuuri pulled him into his embrace.  “I want to kiss you, too,” he murmured.  Their lips crashed together, and a tightly held hunger started to spill over between them.

 

“Will you…can I touch you?” Victor murmured, testing the waters.

 

Yuuri held his eyes, slowly nodding.  “Yes…green.”  He felt Victor reach his long fingers into his waistband.  “Can I…touch you, too?”

 

Victor nodded.  “Please,” he answered, a needy whine slipping into the phrase.  The conversation and the last few days of intensity begged for release even in the simplest of actions.  Victor closed his eyes as Yuuri’s fingers push down his waistband freeing his length.  He gasped as Yuuri’s fingers tentatively wrapped around him.  Opening his eyes, he dipped down for another kiss before settling into Yuuri’s lap.  “Can we…do this together?” 

 

Yuuri’s eyes met his uncertainly.  “Show me what you mean?”

 

Victor nodded, biting his lip.  He reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out a travel size lubricant.  Yuuri’s eyes widened.  “I’ve been…thinking about this a few days,” Victor explained as pink dusted his cheeks.  “I thought…that you were just putting me off because I had to skate.”

 

“Skating had a little to do with it,” Yuuri confessed, swallowing as he watched Victor pierce the package.  He squeezed some into his hand and then some more into Yuuri’s.  Yuuri watched intently as Victor used the lubricant on his own length nodding to Yuuri to do the same.  Moving closer, Yuuri felt his eyes close automatically as he felt Victor’s hand wrap around both of them.  Sliding his hand up and down, Yuuri was surprised by how the added contact changed the experience of the hand job. 

 

“You, too, Yuuri,” Victor grated out.  Yuuri’s eyes opened to see Victor’s cheeks reddened, his eyes dilated.  Reaching down, he joined his own hand next to Victor’s, increasing the length of the slide and contact. 

 

“God, Vitya,” he breathed. 

 

Victor nodded.  “I know…something so…simple…adds another…dimension,” he managed in between breaths.   Victor leaned forward to capture Yuuri’s lips in a kiss, tasting his urgency.  “I’ve…needed…this release,” he murmured as his lips slid down to Yuuri’s neck.  “I’ve…needed…you.”

 

Yuuri’s head struggled to process words but he nods, understanding even if he can’t say it.  “So close,” he finally managed. 

 

“Same,” Victor agreed. 

 

Victor cried out first, continuing to stroke them both as Yuuri tightened up in his grasp and soon joins Victor over the edge.  Victor leaned against Yuuri, breathless, feeling Yuuri’s arms wrap around him.  “Thank you,” he whispered.

 

“I needed you, too,” Yuuri admitted.  “I was just…afraid.”

 

“I know now…I don’t want you to be afraid…not of me,” Victor murmured.

 

“Never of you…only…of my own thoughts.”

 

Victor pulled back and searched out his face.  “I will learn better how to read you, Yuuchan.  But I need you to tell me if I miss something.  I think…that needs to be rule number four.  We speak up if something is going wrong in our head space.”

 

“In and outside of sex,” Yuuri added.

 

Victor nodded.  He knew there would be times when they couldn’t put their problems or fears into words.  They will have to be forgiving of the other in those cases.  Still, he needed Yuuri, and Yuuri needed this framework.  And, if Victor was honest with himself, so did he.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts anyone?


	32. Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor continues to work through his mental struggles with the help of others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates. So much editing took place tonight! And you helped me work through so many problems.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

* * *

 

[ Clarity ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZxo9mrWgR8)

 

On the flight home, Yuuri read on his phone interrupted by moments of wonder gazing in awe at the sleeping, beautiful creature leaning on his shoulder.   _ How is it that this man loves me?  That he wants me? _  As Victor tumbled out of his sleep, he looked up at Yuuri with a contented smile, tightening his arms around the older man.  Stretching and yawning, he reached for a small tote that carried their immediate essentials tucked in at his feet, hand emerging with a brush.

 

Releasing the braid, Yuuri watched Victor brush the length with practiced ease before twisting it back into a braid that rested over his shoulder.  Tying it off, he returned the brush and snuggled back up to Yuuri’s shoulder.  “How much longer?”

 

Yuuri looked at the time on his phone thoughtfully.  “Probably another couple of hours.   If you pull out the tablet, we can share headphones and watch a movie.  I have several downloaded.”

 

Victor did as Yuuri had suggested and began scrolling through the options.  He noticed that Yuuri had a number of operas, ballets, and musicals downloaded.  He finally pulled up  _ Phantom of the Opera _ and they settled in to watch the story unfold.  The plane began its descent as the movie wrapped up.  They tucked away their belongings and prepared for the final stage of their travel.

 

As they rode the train back to Hasetsu, Victor commented, “I thought you’d have anime on your tablet.”

 

Yuuri laughed quietly.  “Racist much?” and arched an eyebrow at Victor’s pout.  “I’m not saying I don’t watch anime.  I just find music in general calms me.  So I tend towards entertainment filled with music.  Opera, symphony, ballet, and such.”

 

“We should do that sometime.  Go to the theatre.  It seems we are always working on skating or on me and my recovery.  We should do something for fun. Something for both of us.”

 

“I’ll check to see what is going on at the Kitakyushu Performing Arts Center in Fukuoka and then talk to Minako.  She may know some more local events like we went to for our first date.”

 

“I would love that!”  Victor’s eyes glittered at the prospect tugging a warm smile from Yuuri’s lips.

 

* * *

  

 

Victor grabbed Yuuri’s studio keys from the hook over his desk.  Turning, he could see a tuft of brown hair peeking out from under the blanket.  Makkachin was stretched out next to Yuuri’s sleeping form.  Victor smiled adoringly.  Jet lagged; Yuuri was terrible at travel.  Scribbling a note telling Yuuri he was at the studio, Victor grabbed his phone and took off in a jog towards Minako’s.  His bodyguards fell into step with him easily enough. Victor had grown very used to the guards, they stayed visible, but never made him feel crowded.

 

In the studio, Victor connected his phone to the speakers before working through a warm up.  He looked up as the door opened to reveal Minako.  “Oh, hi!  I knew it couldn’t be Yuuri so close to a trip.  Do you need any help?”

 

Victor shrugged.  “Just getting rid of nervous energy.  I’m not allowed on the ice today.”

 

She placed her jacket on the desk near the door and studied him thoughtfully.  “Why don’t I help run you through your choreography and see if we can make some improvements on form and if you decide you want to talk about that nervous energy, I’ll listen,” she suggested.  Soon she was helping him to make minor adjustments here and there on his posture and he realized where Yuuri got his perfectionism with a smile.

 

As he finished a second run through of  _ King _ , he took a break.  Moving to the other side of the privacy divider, he drank half a bottle of water.  She dropped down next to him and waited.  Another tactic Yuuri must have learned from Minako.  “I love him, you know,” he murmured as his eyes studied the scene outside the large window, quiet yet busy in its own way.  He smiled to himself as he could see children chasing after parents headed in the direction of the school, men and women dressed for work striding in the direction of the train, food stands and clothing booths opening up to greet the day.

 

“Your skating and dancing reveals a lot of that,” Minako observed after a few moments of silence.

 

He took another sip of water, frowning quietly as the sunshine washed over his skin.  “I don’t know why he does all of this for me…I don’t know what I bring to this.  Except trouble, and the possibility of Yuuri getting hurt.  That terrifies me.”

 

“You bring more to this than you realize.  Yuuri was lost when he returned home.”  She joined him in the quiet survey of the Hasetsu bustle.

 

“He said it was his anxiety,” Victor murmured.  “He never mentioned any other reason.”

 

Minako tightened her lips, and shrugged.  “I know that was the final decision-maker.  But Yuuri was losing his sense of purpose, his reason to be alive.  Skating no longer inspired him.  You’ve breathed new life in him.”  She met his eyes before adding, “He’s never opened up like this to anyone.”

 

Victor blinked a few times, pushing tears back.  He hated this.  He seemed so much quicker to tears lately.  After so long hardening his emotions, they spill out unbidden at the most inopportune of times.  “But why me?”

 

“Because you bring light into his world,” she stated with quiet certainty.

 

Victor pulled his knees to his chest.  “I thought…it was the other way around.”

 

Minako frowned thinking about how to explain her thoughts.  “Think of it this way.  When you are in one another’s presence it’s like you both complete a circuit.  Without one or the other, the light won’t turn on.”

 

“But what if Mikhail hurts him because of me?” Victor murmured.

 

Minako took his hand and squeezed it.  “There are a thousand ways we can get hurt every day.  But we don’t stop living because of it.  We just cherish each moment and help each other make the best of it.”

 

Victor closed his eyes.  He knew she was right.  And he wanted to spend every moment possible with Yuuri.  Looking up, he smiled, small but hopeful.  “Thank you.  I think I needed another perspective.”

 

“No problem, kid,” she grinned, her hand going up to scruff his hair.  “Now, are you going to dance or go back home and deal with that stubborn boyfriend of yours?”

 

He shrugged.  “He may be stubborn…but only in the most endearing of ways.”

 

She laughed.  “See?  Only someone who loves him would think that.  Now go home.”  She gave him a playful push.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Victor crept into Yuuri’s room after his shower seeing Yuuri had shifted to reveal his sleep face relaxed and serene.  Makka had moved off the bed which was fine by Victor as he pulled the blankets back and settled in next to Yuuri.  Yuuri’s eyes peeked open in the movement and wrapped Victor in his embrace.  “I missed you,” he whispered.

 

Victor’s eyes widened before he cuddled into Yuuri.  “I needed a few moments to think.  Minako found me at her studio.”

 

“She does that to me, too,” Yuuri murmured with a soft smile.  “It seems like she has a sixth sense that tells her that I need her there…otherwise she stays away.”

 

“We talked and it helped.  You know I’m fully in this,” he confirmed to Yuuri.

 

Yuuri smiled tenderly.  “I’ve known for a while.  I also understood your hesitance about fully surrendering to this love.”

 

“I don’t want to hesitate anymore.  I was being truthful in China when I said I wanted to give you everything.”

 

“And will you accept the same from me?  Will you completely accept my love?” Yuuri murmured as he nuzzled the edge of Victor’s hairline.

 

Victor tightened his hold where his hands wound up into Yuuri’s shirt.  “Anything you are ready to give me, Yuuri.  I know…you want to move slowly.  I’m okay with that.  But…I want to be here.”

 

“In my bed or in my life?”

 

“Can it be both?”

 

Yuuri trailed kisses down his cheek and captured his lips.  “Yes, it can be both.  There will always be bodyguards, though.  Even after Mikhail.  I will always pick up strays and look out for them.”

 

“Perhaps we can do that together.  It might…give me a greater sense of value.  I still feel worthless at times.”

 

Yuuri’s fingers brushed back Victor’s hair, his eyes tender.  “I can feel that way too, sometimes.  You seem so far above me, out of reach…beauty and grace…and so very sweet.  My Vitya,  _ anata _ , I will always be amazed that you want to be with me.”  He watched Victor’s face transform with his words, softening, a smile touching his lips.  The tears caught him by surprise.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered between sobs even as he buried himself into Yuuri’s chest.  “I just…you always say the words but I think I just now really heard you for the first time.  I feel overwhelmed.”

 

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Yuuri murmured.  “I’ve got you.”

 

“I grew restless with my fears earlier,” Victor confessed against Yuuri’s chest.  “I kept worrying that my closeness to you would put you in danger.  I’m still afraid.  But Minako told me there were a thousand things that could take you away from me and that I couldn’t let that stop us from living and claiming each moment together.  I’m trying…but sometimes I’m still afraid.”

 

“It’s okay to be afraid.  I’m afraid, too.  We just can’t let the fear rule us,” Yuuri murmured, holding Victor close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's short but there were some forward strides.


	33. Remind You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for asking the important questions that help me keep this story straight! And for your great edits!

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Remind You ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwU5zMqJ7W0)

 

Skating practice seemed to command all  their time over the week as they readied Victor for Russia and the Rostelecom Cup.  Yuuri adjusted Victor’s programs to squeeze a few more points out of it here, or there.  Minako and Yuuri both worked with him to tighten his spins.  Yuuri helped him sharpen his sequences.  The week was exhausting however on his break day Victor woke up late to find an envelope on his pillow.

 

Opening it he found tickets to  _ Madame Butterfly _ . 

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri was in the lounge talking with his sister when he heard the squeal of excitement come from upstairs, a smile playing at his lips.  His sister raised an eyebrow.  “What was that all about?” she asked.

 

“I left him a surprise on his pillow for all of his hard work.  We are going to see  _ Madame Butterfly _ tonight.”

 

“You must have pulled strings for those tickets,” she pointed out.

 

He shrugged.  “Grandfather might have helped.”

 

She tilted her head before stating, “Sofu must like him if he did.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Sofu adores him.  He always asks after my ‘sweet boy’ or ‘that silver haired boy’.”

 

She laughed.  “Oh, wow!  He’s never liked any of the guys I dated that well.”

 

“In all fairness, you haven’t either,” he pointed out dryly.

 

She frowned before nodding.  “Good point.  Sometimes a girl just needs to get laid.”

 

Yuuri threw his hands over his ears.  “Too much information, oneesan!”

 

She smirked in reply and nodded as Victor came down the stairs.  “I think I’ll leave you to your ‘sweet boy’,” she teased before slipping away.

 

Victor danced and skipped before climbing up into Yuuri’s lap.  “You did this for me?”

 

“I thought you needed a night out after all of your hard work,” the Japanese man chuckled as his hands rested around Victor’s waist.  He could see his mother and father walk through the room beyond Victor, shaking their heads and smiling at the sight of the two lovers.  He was thankful his parents were so accepting of him and by extension, Victor. 

 

He never fit the traditional mold, but his parents always stated they just wanted him to be happy.  His grandfather said the same, not flinching when he told him that he didn’t want to take on the empire but preferred to carve out his dreams on the ice.  When he came out as gay, his family rallied around him.  Yuuri knew what a blessing it was to have the support of so many people behind him and as he held onto Victor, he wanted to see this man blossom in that acceptance and love.

 

Victor crawled off of him and grabbed his hand, dragging him up the stairs determined to pick their clothes for each of them.   The silver-haired man started in Yuuri’s closet and surveyed his choices.  “Yuuri?  Do you ever clean out your closet?”

 

“Everything in there should pretty much fit,” Yuuri protested with an amused smile.

 

Victor stepped out of the closet with Yuuri’s old school uniform.  “It may fit but there comes a point where you shouldn’t wear it.”  He tossed it on a chair and it was soon followed by several other items as Yuuri watched in fascination.  Victor efficiently removed anything that was outmoded or of poor quality, sometimes holding it in front of him while giving Yuuri a disappointed shake of the head.  “You should let me shop for you,” he stated at some point.  An hour later, Yuuri peeked into the closet behind Victor who now rearranged the remaining contents between formal, informal, casual, and practice.  Victor looked sadly at Yuuri’s tie collection.  “When’s the last time you bought a tie?”

 

“A couple of years ago.”

 

Victor sighed and pulled out a baby blue tie.  “This looks like it is from your teen years.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “Maybe?”  The blush competed with the look of amusement Yuuri offered him.

 

“Yuuri!”  He then viciously discarded most of his ties.  “Now…let’s see what we have to work with.”  He tapped his lip thoughtfully.  “You’ve got some good pieces here.”  Removing a blue suit, he nodded with approval.  “This navy [ ultralight](https://cdn.modalia.es/images/stories/2015/Abril/mango-trajes-1.jpg) paired with this blue pattern and this narrow dark blue tie.”  Looking up to hold his eyes.  “I’m taking you shopping once all of this is behind us.”

 

Yuuri chuckled motioning out to the discards.  “And what shall we do with this?”

 

Victor pursed his lips.  “Donate, except…” he fished out the light blue tie “…burn this.  No one should be subjected to this.”  Victor brushed his palms together.  “Okay…now for me to put my look together.  When do we leave?”

 

“I have dinner reservations at six which will put us at the opera house around eight.”

 

“So we need to leave before five to make it by train.”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “I hired a car.  They will pick us up at five.”

 

Victor’s eyes lit up.  “You are getting better at this date planning business,” he stated with approval.

 

Yuuri answered with a chuckle as Victor exited the room.  Turning to the discards with a raised eyebrow he sighed.  It was a task he always avoided and Victor made short work of it.  He went downstairs to find some boxes.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor considered his options…much fewer than his boyfriend’s and frowned.  He was excited until he began to move through the contents of his own closet.  Nothing seemed good enough.  After an hour, he found himself reduced to tears in the floor of the closet.  He didn’t hear the tap on the door or the soft footsteps indicated that anyone had entered until Yuuri’s voice called out to him softly.  Victor answered in the form of a pathetic sniff.

 

Yuuri opened the door of the closet.  “Oh, Vitya.  What’s wrong?”

 

He motioned in frustration at the contents of his closet as he stuttered out the words between tears.  “I…we…everything is there.  In Russia.  At  _ his  _ apartment.  I don’t have anything n-nice enough.”  He sighed, his pout quivering as more tears threatened to break through. 

 

Yuuri pulled out his phone and checked the time.  Then he made a call, words going back and forth in Japanese as Victor continued to sniff and cry.

 

“Okay, love, I’ve got everything set up.  Come on.  Help me to get ready and trust me to take care of you,” Yuuri’s reassuring voice settled over him.  Even though the tears continued to fall, he allowed Yuuri to pull him from the closet and back to his room. 

 

Victor calmed a bit as he helped Yuuri into his suit, straightening his tie, tugging the coat into place.  Yuuri turned and raised an eyebrow.  “Do I meet your approval?”

 

He received a weak smile and a nod.  Yuuri carried his brown dress shoes with him down the stairs where he put them on as he went out the door.  Victor wore slacks and a t-shirt but was not nearly as well dressed as his partner.  He wondered what Yuuri planned.

 

Victor’s eyebrow raised when he spotted the dark mercedes before them.  The door was opened for them.  One of the bodyguards climbed into the front seat with the driver.  The rest would follow in the other vehicle.  “It’s Grandfather’s,” Yuuri explained.  “I rarely need a car in Japan so when I do, I just call Grandfather.”

 

“Do you drive?”

 

Yuuri smirked.  “Yes.  In the States, I drove regularly...I was one of the few international skaters from my skate club that had a car.  So I had plenty of practice.”

 

As they traveled Yuuri talked about Fukuoka.  “There are several great places to shop but I’m taking you to my grandfather’s preferred store because I know they will take care of you for tonight.  However, I think we should have a shopping day soon.  I apologize for not thinking about your reduced wardrobe.”

 

Victor grimaced.  “The irony is that I destroyed your wardrobe before facing my own,” he pouted.

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “It’s a chore I’ve been avoiding.  I’m usually only here in the summer.  So I never took the time to do what you did today.  And…well, it wouldn’t have been nearly as efficient.  I would have second guessed every item and kept half of it.”

 

Victor raised an eyebrow in surprise.  “Why do you second guess?”

 

“My grandfather has people dress me.  That’s where the good pieces you found come from.  The rest are the things I accumulated before he took me in hand.  I struggle with selection and putting things together.  If I could live in skate clothes, I’d be fine, but the more important the event, the harder I find it.  Mari actually had to select my outfit for our first date.”

 

“Oh,” Victor said quietly, thinking to himself.  “I’ve always been skilled at selecting my wardrobe.  But my tastes tend to run to the expensive.  Especially once I started bringing in plenty of sponsors.  Yakov made sure I knew how to manage my money but I always liked labels.  My mother was the same.  She had wealth enough to maintain her lifestyle even though we didn’t interact with the rest of my family.”

 

“Beautiful people are drawn to beautiful things,” Yuuri surmised, his fingers sliding through Victor’s hair.

 

Victor shook his head.  “Pretty things cover up the ugliness inside.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise before he adamantly refused.  “No, Vitya.  There is no ugliness in you.  You are beautiful from the inside out.  There is too much light in your heart and eyes.  Mikhail tried to dim that light but you did not let him.”

 

Sadness touched Victor’s expression.  “You’ve done this beautiful thing and all I’ve done is cry and fall apart.”

 

Yuuri hugged him into his embrace.  “You are allowed bad days, sweetheart,” he murmured against Victor’s hairline.  “Even in the middle of something that was meant to make you happy.  I’m not upset.  I am just trying to make it better.  I know where to take you, people that can take care of you.  I can appreciate the finished product.  However, I am not skilled at shopping.”

 

“Perhaps…I can take you shopping,” Victor suggested quietly.  “I do enjoy it.”

 

“Why don’t we go shopping together on another day off…and you can keep me from buying ties worthy of a pyre,” he responded, humor tinging his words.

 

“I was harsh,” Victor pouted.

 

“If it makes you feel any better, Chris told me to get rid of that tie years ago,” Yuuri stated.  “If he had access to my closet, I’m sure he would have been just as brutal.  It needed to be done…but it wasn’t a task I was able to face.  I’ve meant to clean out my closet only to become overwhelmed and quit.  It’s strange, sometimes, the things that irritate my anxiety.  I know…certain things go together because my grandfather’s dressers showed me how to put them together.  However, I couldn’t take what I had and mix it into this on my own.  I would have gone with a white shirt.”

 

“The darker shirt keeps it from being boring.  Just like with black I’d pair something red.  You need bold colors,” Victor covered his mouth, his cheeks turning pink.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “See what I mean?  I need someone to dress me.  I’ve worn this shirt casually with a sweater and pair of jeans but not like this.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened.  “Blue jeans, navy sweater, shirt untucked.   Oh, that would be…”  He closed his eyes picturing it.  “I think I’d like that look.”

 

“That’s the look the stylist created.  You have a talent for fashion.”

 

“Like the way I created my costume,” Victor murmured.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Very much so.  And I can’t wait to see the one you created for me, to try it on, to wear it.”

 

Victor smiled, his features softening.  “I felt…like a disaster earlier.  How is it that you do that?  How is it that you can put me at ease?”

 

“Dealing with anxiety is second nature to me.  Next time we are here, I’ll take you to Tenjin.  They have all of the familiar high end shops…and the added interest of being an underground shopping mall.”

 

Victor’s face lit up.  “So we are planning our next date already?”

 

“Is shopping a date?” Yuuri asked doubtfully.

 

Victor laughed.  “It can be.  If you do it right.”

 

Yuuri smiled, his eyes amused.  “There are a number of other things to do as well.  We’ll want to start early and make a day of it.  The nice thing about bodyguards is they will also shuttle the parcels to our vehicles.  We’ll take the full eight person crew.”  He frowned, a new thought coming to mind.  “Now if we find ourselves in Tokyo, we should go to Isetan’s.  Grandfather took me with him once on a business trip and it was around nine or ten floors of men’s product, mostly high end.”

 

Victor found himself imagining such a place with a soft smile.  “I think we should do that sometime.  Besides, I’d love to explore Tokyo with you.”

 

“Let’s plan for it after World’s,” Yuuri suggested.  “I take a couple of weeks off before I step back into training.  It would be a good vacation.  Grandfather will let us use his penthouse.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened and Yuuri just laughed.  “It may not look like it but I do know my way around moneyed people.”  As if on cue, the door opened and Victor realized he stepped into a higher end world than even Mikhail presented to him.  He was handed out of the car and they were led into a private salon. 

 

“Good afternoon, Yuuri-san.  What are we needing today?” the proprietor asked, his tape measure in hand. 

 

“You’ll have to forgive me, Ito-san.  I foolishly planned a date and failed to ensure that my partner was outfitted for the occasion.  We need to dress him for a night out, dinner and the opera.”

 

“How soon is this occasion?”

 

“Therein lies the difficulty.  It is tonight.”

 

Ito sighed, considering his options.  “The best course of action is to size you as close as possible off the rack and then have you come back later for a better fitting.”

 

“That will be fine,” Victor stated warmly.  “I’m replacing my wardrobe piece by piece so I’m certain we will see you often.”

 

This brightened Ito up tremendously as he guided Victor into an attached fitting room.  “Well, let me see what we can do for you today.  Keiko-san, assistance please.”  Ito worked around him with a tape measure calling numbers to his assistant systematically.  After a short discussion between the two, they disappeared and returned with several options.  Victor chose three to try on.  

 

Keiko joined Yuuri in the salon to attend to him and perhaps gain another sale.  “It’s been a while, Yuuri-san,” she greeted warmly, pouring him a glass of wine.  

 

Yuuri smiled back.  “It has been.  I believe my uncles have been seeing to Grandfather’s demands of late.  How is he doing back there?”

 

“We have him trying on three different outfits.  He was conversing with Ito when I left.  He seems to have definite ideas about what he likes.”

 

A smile played at his lips.  “Yes, he does.”

 

“I bet Grandfather Katsuki-soma is most pleased,” Keiko returned thoughtfully.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “And what do you know, Keiko-san?”

 

“I know your grandfather was asking about my brother when he was last in.  I got the impression he was seeking to set the two of you up.”

 

Yuuri laughed openly at that.  “You and I both know your brother and I are not compatible.”

 

“True, but the old man has hopes.  Does he like this one?”

 

Yuuri nodded with a tender smile.  “It seems that he definitely has a soft spot for Victor.”

 

“Good.  We like to see Katsuki-soma happy.”  She smiled, watching the door for Victor.  “We also like to see Yuuri-san happy,” she added.

 

As if on cue, Victor stepped out dressed in a two button ultralight charcoal black [ suit](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/9b/dc/e3/9bdce3a0a8435e09595a9cb98b10789d.jpg) with a pink shirt and a pewter gray necktie.  His pocket square combined shades of pink with plums and purples.  Turning around for Yuuri, he peered shyly from beneath his hair. 

 

Yuuri met his gaze with an appreciative smile.  “Beautiful,” he murmured.  After signing for the transaction, he guided Victor out to their car with his hand on the small of Victor’s back.  They had thirty minutes until their reservation, enough time to easily negotiate traffic.

 

In the car, Victor fluttered his hands nervously a bit but Yuuri could tell it was a happy nervous.  He reached for Victor’s hands and leaned forward to brush their lips together.  “Remember,” he murmured as their lips parted.  “You are beautiful, incandescent, demanding of attention.  Command everyone to look your way, my Vitya.”

 

Victor sat up straight after that and as they arrived at the restaurant, he was handed out of the car by Yuuri and entered on the older man’s arm looking every bit as if he belonged.  The _ maitre de _ saw to their seating and soon a Japanese wine was placed before them.  Yuuri ordered a nine course tasting that took them through several samples of Japanese dishes, explaining each as they enjoyed the lovely and decadent dishes. 

 

As Yuuri guided Victor to the theatre, the younger man leaned in and sighed happily.  “I can’t imagine what I did to end up in this moment.”

 

Yuuri tipped his head against Victor’s before murmuring, “All you did was be you…and that’s all you ever have to do.”

 

“I love you, Yuuchan,” he returned, his shoulders squeezing inward as he smiled adoringly at the Japanese man.

 

Yuuri returned his smile as he handed over the tickets.  They were guided upstairs to a box.  Victor looked around and was surprised to see that it was private.  “Just for us,” Yuuri confirmed, as he leaned forward to brush his lips over Victor’s.  “Sometimes I find it hard to share you.”  Yuuri reached into his pocket and Victor’s eyes widened as he was handed a pair of opera glasses.  “I didn’t want you to miss any part of it.”

 

* * *

 

 

On the drive home, Victor snuggled into Yuuri’s side.  “I have never been treated so well, Yuuchan,” he murmured.

 

Yuuri wrapped Victor into his arms before asking, “Which did you enjoy more?  The picnic or the theatre?”

 

Victor sat up and frowned.  “I have to choose?  I loved both!  I just…never have I seen you so at ease.”

 

“People make assumptions based on what they see.  I grew up in two worlds.  My parents taught me to be humble but to also be myself.  My grandfather taught me how to be at ease with wealth.  I walk into a room wearing my skate clothes ready to work out, I’m treated like the kid they grew up with and went to public school with.  I walk into a restaurant wearing  _ Armani _ , I receive a different treatment because they sense the wealth.”

 

Victor thought about his question a moment longer.  “Although this was the most amazing day and you did everything to try and put me at ease considering how I melted down earlier, I think…I liked the picnic better.  That seemed more…you.”

 

Yuuri leaned forward and brushed a kiss on his forehead.  “Thank you, Vitya,” he murmured.  “I can operate in Grandfather’s world but I never wanted that world, that life.  I wanted to carve my life out on the ice.”

 

“I’m glad…he respects that,” Victor responded, his eyes earnest, lifting his lips to meet Yuuri’s as he leaned towards the Japanese man.  Yuuri answered the kiss with several of his own as they continued down the dark road to Hasetsu.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought you needed some fluff...but I had to throw a little angsty twist into it. Hope you loved it!


	34. Treat You Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then it all falls apart...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates. You know I love your work!
> 
>  
> 
> Taking a break for a few days to sort some of my writing out because running three active fics gets a bit confusing. I'll be up and running as soon as possible!

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Treat You Better ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lY2yjAdbvdQ)

 

Over the next few days, Yuuri invited Victor to move into his space completely.  Victor took advantage of this to sort through Yuuri’s drawers, discarding a number of items before adding his own.  The closet had plenty of room for Victor and he settled into it with ease.  While their intimacy increased emotionally, Yuuri was still hesitant with what he could give physically.  Victor waited and watched, curling into Yuuri’s embrace, wrapping Yuuri up in his own, never taking more than what was offered, always meeting him where he was.

 

Another break in their training came and Yuuri lingered in bed.  Victor had experienced the brunette’s restless sleep as he fought fitfully against whatever thoughts plagued him and knew how precious sleep was.  He slipped from the covers and, after taking Makkachin out, brought him back up and left the large poodle to sleep next to his lover.  Leaving a note, he gathered his skates.

 

He ran to the rink, taking a more direct route.  Victor wanted to warm up on the ice, to lose himself in the broad strokes that would send him across the surface.  He’d seen Yuuri do this and never realized that he also unconsciously did the same.

 

He allowed his thoughts to wander as he circled the rink, skating large and small circles, waiting for Yuuri to wake up and join him.

 

What changed?  Victor found himself giving and not just taking.  He had learned that he did bring something valuable to their relationship.  He had begun to feel it when he broke down in front of Minako that day in the studio.  However, he couldn’t accepted it then.  Victor skated into a backwards outside loop with a smile playing on his lips as he realized that Yuuri…needed him as well.  He somehow completed Yuuri as Yuuri completed him.

 

Things that were distinctly Victor didn’t repel the brunette.  He embraced them and welcomed them into his world whether it was the hurricane that completely upended his living space, tossing out old clothes like hangups to the past, decluttering Yuuri’s world, and carving out Victor’s own corner; or when the storm broke through in a torrential rainfall of tears pulling from somewhere deep within. He cried so easily these days but to Victor it felt like he was finally being cleansed; the deep tissue wound finally being cleared of the poisons within.  Yuuri would hold him and brush kisses through his hair, occasionally tasting his lips, grounding him with his presence, never insisting that he stop crying but allowing him to work through it on his own terms.

 

Things that were purely Yuuri drew the silver haired man.  The introspective quiet that would settle on him as he stared out a window, his thoughts a million miles away; the way he became the music on the ice and dance floor, his movements forms of perfect grace, his expression the embodiment of emotion; his escapes, small spaces he carved out to allow him to disappear from the chaos of the world until his heart settled, the way he shared them with Victor allowing the Russian the grace of those moments either alone or with him; his gentle presence calming those around him with an assurance that spoke volumes about his tender heart, his considerate manner, his thoughtful wisdom.  The storms within Yuuri, the anxieties that caused his steps to stutter, his uncertainties to push to the surface, harsh words to stumble out unbidden, these tugged on something deeper in Victor.  This pulled out something protective in the silver-haired man that he didn’t know existed before Yuuri.

 

Victor lived for so long in survival mode that he lost the ability for a while to reach out to others.  It began long before Mikhail.  It started edging away with the loss of his mother.  Yakov tried, but for a long time, the boy was broken, uncertain in a world that fought against him and refused to accept him. They loved the art he created but turned their backs on the torment and torture.

 

Not everyone, though.  Frequent calls to Yakov and eventually to his rink mates told him that perhaps the one he was invisible to was himself, the ghost of himself was created by the silver-haired man.  A spectre dancing on the ice.

 

Yuuri somehow saw through that, reached through that, grounded him for a moment, long enough to make his eyes open, make him consider a different reality.  That seed of thought gave him enough purchase to escape Mikhail; to seek out Yuuri across the distance; to find himself and reunite his physical self with the spirit that danced around on the outside of his form.  He was no longer void, no longer formless, no longer a shadow of himself.

 

So much had changed. 

 

Yuuri became his world…and Victor was Yuuri’s.

 

Yuuri’s presence awakened him, slowly from a deep sleep, allowing him to experience the world little by little, taking in what stimulation he could, until he was ready to open his eyes and embrace himself.

 

Change…was that Victor finally loved himself and could see what Yuuri saw in him.  Not narcissistic love, but self-compassion, putting himself forward and demanding what he needed…as well as giving himself what he needed.

 

Change…was that Victor recognized that he was only half of the equation.  Yuuri needed him as well and as Yuuri slowly peeled back his own layers, Victor realized that pain came in so many forms, that each person was broken in their own way but love looks past that and accepts someone with all of their broken pieces.  It was in loving Yuuri’s broken pieces, the cracks in his armor, that finally allowed Victor to love himself, to recognize his own value and worth, even as he filled those cracks with love.

 

Victor stilled.  The playlist had wrapped up and still no sign of Yuuri.  Pulling out his phone, he frowned.  Sending a text through he unconsciously allowed his feet to take him to the break in the boards.  When he received no reply he sent a text to Mari as he slapped on his blade guards.  Mari replied, saying she thought Yuuri was with Victor.  She texted again that she had checked on him and he was still sleeping.  Victor’s skates were already unlaced and he changed to his sneakers.  Stashing the skates in his locker, he ran home, quickly breaking into a sprint and following the direct route.

 

He entered the inn, kicking off his shoes quickly.  Something knotted in his gut.  He took the stairs two at a time.  Opening the door to their room, their space, he could see the brunette lying still, his breathing shallow.  Victor dropped down next to him and tried to rouse him.

 

“Mari!” he called, alarm filling his voice.

 

Yuuri’s sister came into the room moments later.  “What’s wrong?”

 

“He won’t wake up!”

 

Mari came immediately to Yuuri’s side and tried to pull him from his sleep before meeting Victor’s eyes.  “I just looked in the room and saw him sleeping earlier.” 

 

They both sprung into action.  Mari called the ambulance.  Victor called Sasaki-sensei.  The only meds in reach were on the nightstand.  Most of the writing was in Hiragana and Mari had to read the bottle to the doctor.  Victor caught small amounts of the information, as Mari could switch to English for him.   _ It was his evening meds.  Why were his evening meds out?  He always switched them out when he took one so that the morning meds were ready.  If he took the evening meds twice in a row… _

 

Sasaki directed him to take the bottle with him as they transported Yuuri.  She would meet them at the hospital but it was at least an hour’s drive.  She let him go so that she could call the E.R. to let them know what happened so that Yuuri could be treated properly.

 

The most frustrating part about the hospital was that no one would tell him anything.  Victor was not a next-of-kin and had no legal access to Yuuri’s information.  He was completely dependent on the family to relay the information.  Even when Sasaki-sensei arrived, she was limited in what she could share.

 

Finally, Yuuri was in a room, stable.  Victor could join him and even as family moved in and out of the room, Victor remained, holding his hand.  Finally awake, Yuuri stared at him, his eyes open but unable to interact.  Victor could see an occasional tear come to the surface and slide down Yuuri’s cheek, the fear in his eyes, the frustration in his inability to respond, like the words were there but Yuuri couldn’t pull them to the surface.

 

It was late evening before Yuuri found his words again. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he croaked. 

 

Victor immediately moved closer, never letting go of his hand, reaching for a glass of water, the insulated kind with a bendy straw and lid that was found in hospitals.  Yuuri drank from the glass as much as he could take then laid back once more, feeling Victor squeeze his hand.

 

“What happened?” he finally asked.

 

Victor’s expression softened greatly.  “You took the wrong meds when you woke up this morning.  It was too much in your system too fast.”

 

“I switched them out,” he protested.  Then his eyebrows furrowed.  Dim memories of taking the meds that morning…was it that morning?  Then dizziness ensued…followed by nothingness.  He didn’t switch out the bottle that morning.  So…looking up at Victor, he stated quietly, “I took the wrong meds.”

 

When the nurse came in later to tell Victor visiting hours were over, Yuuri tightened his hold on Victor’s hand.  “Please.  Let him stay.”  His eyes implored.

 

The nurse looked uncertain.  They made the exception from time to time for parents or spouses.  She wasn’t certain who this man was to Yuuri but she knew he hadn’t left the patient’s side since he was brought to a room.  “I’ll have to clear it with the floor nurse.  Is he your…” she trailed off, not wanting to offend with assumptions.

 

“He’s my partner,” Yuuri confirmed.  The nurse nodded and left them alone to clear the overnight.

 

Victor’s lips parted at the open admission, feeling Yuuri’s hand on his cheek, turning to kiss the palm.  “I was so scared today.”

 

“I know.  I’m sorry, Vitya.  I am still shocked I made that mistake.  I normally double check the bottle as a second precaution.  I woke up and you were gone already.  I figured you were downstairs or at the rink.”

 

“At the rink,” Victor supplied.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “My anxiety was clawing at me and I wanted to clear my head so I must have just grabbed the bottle and took my morning dose without paying attention to the appearance of the pills or the words on the bottle.”

 

“They wouldn’t tell me anything.  I’m not your next-of-kin.  I have no legal connection to you, Yuuchan.”

 

Yuuri sighed and nodded.  “We need to change that.  After I’m released, we’ll visit the family attorney and see what we need to do.”

 

“I couldn’t read the bottle,” Victor added.  “I knew it was your anxiety meds so I called Sasaki-sensei and we were able to put it together with Mari’s help.”

 

Yuuri considered his words.  “I think my hubris kept me from providing you the tools you needed to take care of me when I need it.  We’ll fix it.  I promise, Vitya.”

 

“I can’t lose you,” Victor breathed.  Minako’s words kept coming back to him that day.  ‘ _ There are a thousand ways we can get hurt every day.  We don’t stop living because of it.  We just cherish each moment and help each other make the best of it.’ _

  

* * *

 

 

It took two more days before Sasaki signed the release allowing Yuuri to go back home.  Yuuri’s family had to force Victor to go home to rest and shower in the interim, promising that one of them would stay by his side.  Once Yuuri was back in his space, Makkachin stretched out across his lap, he pulled out his meds and explained what each one of them was and what they did.  Victor wrote notes in his notebook at the back for ready information.  He then took a couple of permanent markers, marking a P in red for the evening meds and an A in black for morning meds.  That way if he wakes up to find the wrong one on the side table, he could bring it to Yuuri’s attention and avoid a repeat of this incident.  

 

The next most trying part of the ordeal was the press.  Yuuri decided that a private interview with the one reporter he trusted was the best course of action.  Yuuri invited Hisashi Morooka to a private interview using Minako’s ballet studio as the location.

 

“Thank you, Morooka-san, for doing this.  I know you were instrumental in helping us get ahead of the rumors when I was accused of doping several years back.”

 

“Of course, Katsuki-san.  I prefer to get to the real story rather than chase rumors and doing so respectfully gets me invited back.”

 

“As evidenced by this invitation.  I know there are some rumors and speculation that I may have attempted suicide.  This is not the case and I want to refute that  before it becomes concreted in people’s thoughts.”

 

“Let’s get an interview on record, then, and we can discuss whether or not we need to add or remove anything.  After, I can help you compose your written statement for the general press.”

 

“Thank you.  Shall we begin?”

 

Morooka nodded and signaled the camera crew.  “Good morning.  I am here with Katsuki Yuuri accompanied by his skater Victor Nikiforov.  Earlier this week Katsuki-san was hospitalized for an emergency situation.  Katsuki-san, can you tell us what happened?”

 

“Yes, thank you, Morooka-san.  As you already know, I live with a generalized anxiety disorder and that requires me to take certain medications in order to handle day-to-day life.  I took this season off because my medications were no longer meeting those needs and I wanted to focus on my treatment.  Under the care of my therapist and pharmacologist I have been adjusting my medications over the last few months to find the appropriate mix.  I take a specific pill in the morning and another in the evening.  In order to keep them straight, I am in the habit of switching out the bottles once I take them so that I’m ready for the next dose.  Except, four days ago I failed to do that.  As a result of that action, I took my evening medication twice in too short a time frame, which led to an adverse reaction.  I was kept in the hospital for two days to make sure I had stabilized from this mistake and to discuss strategies with my psychiatrist to prevent this in the future.”

 

“How was this mistake discovered?”

 

“When I didn’t show up to practice, Victor-san returned home to check on me.”

 

“Mr. Nikiforov, can you tell us what you discovered when you returned home?”

 

“Yuuri was unresponsive.  His sister and I worked together to piece together what had happened, get him to the hospital, and to inform psychiatrist.”

 

“Katsuki-san, will this incident affect your future on the ice?”

 

“Once my psychiatrist gives me clearance, I will be able to return to regular practice where I’m preparing my programs with the hopes of skating in the Japanese Nationals.”

 

“As a public figure you must know that misinformation feeds social media.  As such there are rumors that this was a suicide attempt,” Morooka stated. “Would you like to address this?”

 

“I’m certain these circumstances will always give rise to such rumors.  However, I assure all of my supporters this was a simple mistake that could have had tragic consequences.  Victor-san and I are working together to create greater communication on our part to prevent this from reoccurring.”

 

“Mr. Nikiforov is very involved in your decision-making process.  Do you wish to address the rumors of your relationship at this time?”

 

Yuuri smiled as he looked over at Victor, his thumb rubbing a circle into Victor’s hand.  “I believe Victor-san and I put those rumors to rest at The Cup of China when we kissed publicly.  Yes, we are in a relationship, but that is all I would like to say on the matter right now.”

 

“Of course, Katsuki-san.  Thank you for speaking with me at this time, Katsuki-san, Mr. Nikiforov.”  He signaled the crew to cut before continuing.  “Is there anything in the interview you wish to cut out or readdress?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “I can’t think of anything at the moment and I believe we’ve touched on the immediate matters at hand.  Thank you for not bringing up the confrontation on the steps.”

 

“It was caught on camera and the few statements released on that matter seemed to handle things,” Marooka stated.  “Besides, it was irrelevant to this interview.”

 

They reviewed the tape together over the next hour and prepared the general press statement.  Thanking Morooka once more, Yuuri and Victor watched the man pack up and lead his crew away, collapsing in the chairs that look towards the street.

 

“So, Vitya?” Yuuri asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

He tossed his hair and shrugged.  “Yakov would be pleased with the way you handled that.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “High praise.  Shall we see what we can salvage of this day?  I know you didn’t skate while I was in the hospital.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Within another two days, Yuuri and Victor both had everything arranged for the other to have access to medical information and to make decisions.  Their eyes met after they signed the legal documents realizing that they were in essence connected together legally.  Victor reached over and squeezed Yuuri’s hand before saying, “That’s the one thing  _ he  _ never had over me.  I never let him make my medical decisions using Yakov as an excuse.  I was terrified about what he would do with that power.”

 

“And are you comfortable with this?  With letting me make these decisions for you?” Yuuri asked earnestly.

 

Victor nodded without hesitation.  “You would never hurt me.”

 

“And I know you will watch over me.  I’m truly sorry for scaring you, Vitya.  I would never try to take my life.”

 

Victor leaned forward and brushed Yuuri’s hair back from his forehead, holding his brown eyes with blue, “It never occurred to me that you would hurt yourself, Yuuri.  Except in defending someone else.  You value life too much.”

 

“Thank you.  It is important to me that you know that.”

 

Victor ducked down to capture Yuuri’s lips.  “You are the one person I never doubt.  Thank you, though, for trusting me enough to let me help you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...taking a break to do some writing housekeeping. If you haven't read the other two fics, it's a good time to jump in and read. Lifeline just wrapped up its 2nd part of three main parts. Semicolon will be up to eight chapters soon. Still love to hear from you and I want to continue giving you a good product. So see you in a few days (I will still reply to comments, though).


	35. Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When we fall to pieces, love puts us together again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for your edits. I very much appreciate it.

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

 

UPDATED once more!

 

* * *

 

[ Pieces ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O11UikJigxo)

  
  


Victor stayed near Yuuri over the next few days, their steps close to one another.  Yuuri understood, he could see Victor’s fear of almost losing him reflected in the younger man’s eyes.  During the day, they would skate or dance, walk along the beach talking and holding hands, or sit curled up in one or the other’s arms.  At night, Yuuri would be met with desperate kisses seeking to affirm that he was there, present, solid.  This would fade into an embrace shared between one another and occasionally would become release in one another’s hands.

 

Yuuri hated this unfocused, frantic energy he sensed in his lover, but hated more that it was his fault.  He wanted the younger man to find peace and instead he brought a storm.

 

The flood of emotions broke dam, finally, as they danced in the studio.  The build created a push and pull in the dance, until Victor crashed into him, his arms tightening as his lips sought purchase on Yuuri’s.  Yuuri fell under the spell of those hands and lips and felt himself give way to barriers as Victor’s arms snaked up the back of his shirt.

 

“Vitya,” he murmured.

 

“Please, Yuuri,” the younger man returned, his lips moving back towards Yuuri’s ear.  “I need to feel you, to know the solidness of you.”  The plea in his voice left Yuuri shaken as he turned to Victor’s lips and claimed them.  The possessiveness in the kiss buckled Victor’s knees.  Yuuri lifted him in his arms, feeling those legs wrap around his waist, as he carried Victor to the wall, finding new use for the ballet barre.

 

Yuuri lifted lust blown eyes to meet Victor’s, feeling shaky hands slide into his hair.  “What do you need from me?” Yuuri offered, his expression open.

 

Victor’s lips parted, almost afraid to ask.  “I want you inside me,” he whispered, chewing on his lip after as fear built up that Yuuri would push him away. 

 

Yuuri studied him, holding his eyes.  “We don’t have what we need here and I don’t want to hurt you.”

 

Victor dropped his chin, worrying his lower lip.  In a small voice, he said, “In my bag.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened.  He lowered Victor so his feet were back on the floor and strode over to Victor’s dance bag with purpose.  Kneeling down, he opened it, and sure enough, he found lube and condoms tucked into the corner.  As he pulled the two items out of the bag, he turned to meet Victor’s eyes.  Victor edged closer as Yuuri settled down, his legs in front of him as he held the box and bottle in his hands.

 

Victor could feel the pink rising in his face.  “I…didn’t know when you’d say yes.”

 

Yuuri reached out a hand to Victor who went directly into Yuuri, dropping to his knees in between Yuuri’s bent legs.  Yuuri’s answering kiss demanded as much as it gave and Victor found himself mewling into his mouth.  Yuuri released him from the kiss and murmured, “I’ve made you wait long enough.”

 

“I can wait…longer…if that’s what you need,” Victor answered even as his fingers carded through Yuuri’s hair and he brushed kisses between words. 

 

Yuuri’s arms tightened around him, pulling him closer.  “I don’t want to…I just…what if I freak out?  I’ve already scared you enough.”

 

“I will know what’s happening, Yuuri.  It will be okay,” Victor reassured him, offering more kisses peppered across his cheeks.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Yuuri whispered, rubbing his hand over Victor’s chest, slowing over his heart to feel the beat.  “I never want to hurt you…in any way.”

 

“I know…and that’s enough,” Victor stated, holding his eyes.  “But it’s still your call.  I won’t be hurt if you say you’re not ready.”

 

Yuuri swallowed, his lips parting before he finally admitted, “I’ve been ready…just afraid.”

 

“Do you trust me?” Victor asked.  Yuuri nodded even as he closed the distance between their lips.  Suddenly the last of the walls between them fell and Yuuri felt Victor’s hands tugging at his clothes even as he tugged on Victor’s.  Soon they were bare to midriff and though they had been with one another naked, touched one another, explored each other with their fingers and mouths, at this moment everything felt new.

 

“Rules?” Yuuri asked as his fingers went to Victor’s waistband.

 

Victor chewed his lip.  “I still don’t know if I could blow you,” he answered on his limits.  “And I want to see you.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Red, yellow, green still applies.  Oh, and…I’ve never done this.  I might need…instruction?”  Victor could see the pink moving up Yuuri’s chest, neck, and cheeks at the admission.

 

“Whatever you need, Yuuchan,” he murmured, raising up on his knees as Yuuri tugged at his dance pants.  Yuuri’s lips closed on his light pink nipple even as he felt Yuuri’s hands slide up his back then down to his ass, squeezing the skate hardened flesh.  Victor’s breathing became shaky between the whimpers that broke free from his lips.  Yuuri released him, tilting his head back as Victor’s fingers pushed through his hair, tugging it gently before crashing his lips over the older man's, demanding every bit of him in that kiss.  Yuuri lowered him to the floor, freeing him from the pants and dance belt.  He lay beneath Yuuri, vulnerable and exposed.

 

Yuuri’s eyes moved over Victor with a caress.  “So beautiful,” he murmured.  “My Vitya…anata…darling…sweetheart.”  Each endearment was followed by a brush of Yuuri’s lips against his forehead, his lips, the hollow formed by the meeting of his clavicles, his heart.  

 

As Yuuri rolled back onto his heels, he watched Victor gracefully rise up to chase after his lips.  In that kiss, Victor pressed forward, his hands going to Yuuri’s waistband and easily removing Yuuri’s pants as he pulled out of the kiss.  He lifted his eyes in demand.  “Get the lube,” he ordered. 

 

Yuuri reached over, scrambling through the clothes that now littered the floor around them, grabbing both the bottle of lube and the box of condoms. 

 

“Have you ever opened yourself up before?” Victor asked him as he straddled his legs on either side of Yuuri.  He watched Yuuri slowly shake his head.  “I had to learn…to make myself ready.  I want you to know how to do this, Yuuri.”

 

“Of course…I want to as well.”  Yuuri chewed his lip nervously watching Victor use his nails to break the seal on the container. 

 

“It’s pleasurable...if done right.”  As he broke the second seal, Victor looked up reassuringly and ran his hand up Yuuri’s arm and back down again before squirting a dollop of the slick substance into Yuuri’s hand.  Adding another to his own hand, Victor used his thumb to spread the fluid over his fingers. Yuuri imitated the motion as Victor laid back, reaching down between his legs.  Yuuri’s eyes were focused on that hand as Victor’s finger found his entrance, lips parting as Victor circled the ring of muscles before slipping his finger inside.

 

Yuuri looked up and met his eyes as Victor pulled his hand free.  Swallowing, he felt his hand shaking.  Victor slid a hand down his arm and nodded. Placing his other hand on Victor’s inner thigh to steady himself, he traced the other down Victor’s perineum and felt his breathing quickening as his finger found the edge of the ring of muscles.  He froze.  Victor called out to him, his voice felt so distant.  

 

“Yuuri…Yuuchan.  Look at me.”  The words sounded urgent, demanding Yuuri’s attention.    

 

Yuuri blinked, trying to focus and finally Victor filled his vision.  

 

“Are you okay?”  Victor’s eyes filled with concern.

 

Yuuri chewed his lip to stop it from quivering.  “I want to be,” he answered honestly. 

 

Victor nodded, reaching for Yuuri’s hands and pulling them away, resting them on his hips.  “We are forcing this.  Let’s back up.”

 

“What if I can’t do this?”  Uncertainty and fear edged his voice, adding a tremble to the words.

 

Victor squeezed the hands on his hips sliding his hands up Yuuri’s arms to rest on his shoulders.  “Then we don’t.”

 

“I don’t want to lose you.”  He looked down, biting hard on his lower lip.

 

Victor could see the vulnerability in the older man, wanting to push back that fear that edged his lover.  “If it was the other way around, would I lose you?”

 

Yuuri shook his head.  “I meant it when I said I’d wait for you forever.”

 

“The same goes for me,” Victor murmured.  Smoothing Yuuri’s hair back, he smiled tenderly.  “I went to counseling to get to this place.  Did you ever…talk to your counselors about your experiences?”

 

Yuuri shook his head slowly.  “I didn’t want to acknowledge them.  But it was nothing compared to what happened to you.”

 

“It’s not about comparison, and you still felt threatened.  You were basically molested by another teen.  You may have been the same age but he violated you.”  Victor’s fingers massaged circles into Yuuri’s shoulders and upper arms.

 

“He never raped me,” Yuuri protested.  “I got away.”

 

Victor’s lips thinned at his denial.  “He still violated you, Yuuri, violated your trust even more than your body.  Over time.”

 

“I’m supposed to be helping you.  This is backwards.”  Yuuri turned away, blinking rapidly as he fought the tears that threatened to break free.

 

“Why can’t we help you at the same time?”  Victor reached out to him and breathed a comforting sigh as Yuuri collapsed into his arms.  “I am here for you as much as you are here for me, Yuuchan.  I’ve got you.”

 

Yuuri clung to him.  “I’m sorry I’m so broken,” he rasped through his tears.  “I thought…with you…”

 

“I can’t fix it but I can accept you, scars and all, just as you accept me,” Victor murmured softly against his hair, his arms moving up and down Yuuri’s back.  “I still think you should talk to Sasaki-sensei.”

 

Yuuri tightened his arms around Victor, feeling the kisses brush through his hair, the firm touch of those hands grounding him through their touch. Finally, he pulled back and shifted uncomfortably, feeling exposed.  “I think…I want to get dressed.”

 

Victor nodded as they moved apart, digging through the clothes until he had his pieces.  Slipping into sweats, he tossed the dance belt towards his bag. He pulled his shirt over his skin and drew a ragged breath.  Turning, he saw Yuuri dressed and gathering the rest of their belongings.  The other man’s hands shook as he picked up the lubricant and box of condoms.  

 

Yuuri quickly stashed them into Victor’s bag before turning to meet Victor’s eyes.  “Shall we go home?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  Victor knew he was embarrassed and even ashamed.  He hated that.  It was all out of Yuuri’s control.  Victor looked through his own months of shame, of hiding, of blaming himself and realized he was not in control, either.  That was why control was so important to him now.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Yuuri was still sleeping when Victor rolled out of bed the next morning.  He double checked the meds just as he had the previous night.  Leaning over Yuuri, he brushed his lips against the brunette’s forehead.  “I love you, Yuuri,” he whispered.  Picking up his phone, he grabbed a change of clothes so he wouldn’t disturb the sleeping brunette.

 

Victor found Mari after he walked Makkachin.  “Do you need help?”

 

“No practice?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Yuuri is sleeping…and I don’t want to go too far.  Not after…last time.”

 

“I understand.  Rough night?”

 

Victor shifted uncomfortably not wanting to reveal too much before finally nodding. 

 

“I can use help with laundry,” she offered.  Mari watched him with his nervous hands.  The towels gave him something to occupy himself.  Finally, she broke the silence.  “What’s got you worried?”

 

Victor looked up surprised.  “Is it that noticeable?”

 

The bleached blond woman shrugged.  “Perhaps…it’s because I grew up with Yuuri I learned to see all the things people won’t say.”

 

Victor shrugged.  “Just relationship stuff.  And then…well, we go to Russia soon.”

 

“Are you scared to go to Russia?” she asked frowning.

 

Victor nodded.  “It’s closer to Mikhail.  It will be harder for Yuuri and Sofu to protect me.”

 

Mari frowned.  “Has Yuuri shown you how to defend yourself?”

 

“Some,” Victor answered.  “I don’t know if it will help.”

 

Mari pursed her lips.  “Yuuri is a very…fair fighter.  I think what you need is how to fight dirty because if that guy beat you up, he’s not going to fight fair. Let me show you how a woman would handle herself in a fight.”

 

Victor followed Mari out into the field behind the house where she called a few of the bodyguards out of hiding.  Soon, they were trading skills with Victor.  The younger man wouldn’t be able to hold himself against a professional but they all stressed that his goal in a fight like this is to escape.  They showed him various ways to break out of holds and to temporarily incapacitate the attacker.

 

Returning upstairs, Victor found Yuuri dressed for a trip into the city.  “I called Sasaki-sensei.  It…isn’t fair for you to face your past if I won’t do the same.”

 

“Do you want me to come with you?” Victor offered.

 

Yuuri met his eyes, thinning his lips.  “I think I need to do this myself.  Rest today.  Grandfather wants to have dinner with us tonight.”

 

“If you’re sure…” Victor began uncertainly.  Yuuri nodded.  Victor watched as he walked out the door with a confident stride.  Victor pulled his knees to his chest, worry etching his brow.  Makka climbed up in bed next to him and he wrapped his arms around her, burying his face.  

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri found Victor sleeping when he returned home.  He felt the strain of the day.  Stretching out next to his partner, he smoothed Victor’s hair.  Victor turned in his arms, his lips seeking sleepy kisses from Yuuri.  The brunette tightened his hold on the other man, deepening the kiss as he pulled Victor out of his sleep.  Victor looked up at him, half lidded, as Yuuri broke the kiss.

 

“How did it go?” the younger man asked sleepily.

 

“We are looking at different therapies.  Sasaki-sensei said that she suspected there was a catalyst to my anxiety but she could never get me to uncover it.  I guess...I was protecting that part of myself.  I needed you to give me the courage to face it.”

 

Victor reached up, his fingers playing against Yuuri’s cheeks.  “I know you can do this.”

 

Yuuri captured those hands, brushing his lips over Victor’s fingers.  “With you by my side, I can.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Yuuri slid his hand down Victor’s side before ducking his head against the other man’s shoulder.  “Do you know how much I want you?  How frustrating it is not to be able to…”

 

Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri.  “What if you didn’t?”

 

Yuuri’s arms tightened.  “But I want…”

 

“No, that’s not what I mean.  I’ve always...been the one that he...well, I was the one that received.  What if...I mean do you need to top?”

 

Yuuri pulled back and studied Victor.  “I don’t know?”

 

“I’m willing to try it the other way.  Although...I think we have a dinner date.  So maybe...not right now?”  Victor half shrugged, his head tilting towards that raised shoulder.

 

Yuuri sat up, straightening himself.  “You’re right.  I don’t know what’s going on with me.  I’m normally...more together.”

 

Victor sat up, pulling Yuuri into his embrace.  “We’ll pick this up later.  Okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Let’s get ready for tonight.”  He ran his fingers through Victor’s hair.  “You’re all sleep mussed,” he added, his voice softening.

 

Victor’s smile gentled.  “You told me to rest up.”

 

“I know you wanted to go with me today,” Yuuri stated, drawing his breath in sharply.  “I just...I needed to do this on my own.  I know you got me this far but I needed to be able to walk through that door.”

 

“Okay, Yuuri.  I’m not upset.  I was just worried.  You...are not yourself today.”

 

“I think...it’s like I’m feeling exposed?  Like an open wound?”

 

“I’m sorry.  I played a part in that.”

 

“No...you just caught me when it gave way.  You didn’t hurt me.  You just pushed me to get help before I bottled it up again.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Not...completely.  But enough to deal with Grandfather.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You knew I couldn't stay away long. I also posted a couple of Semicolon chapters if you missed them. I have started writing St. Petersburg of the Lifeline series as well.


	36. Unconditionally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pushing boundaries, Victor meets Yuuri where he’s at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for the edits.

* * *

 

[ Unconditionally ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjwZAa2EjKA)

 

 

“Yuuchan, Victor-san!” The older man greeted them warmly, shifting his age padded frame to face the two entering the room.

 

“Good evening, Sofu,” Yuuri murmured, offering a bow before dropping into the man’s embrace.  His grandfather seemed to reach out more and more for a physical touch as he aged.

 

Victor smiled, returning the older man’s warmth.  “How are you, Grandfather?”  Leaning forward to hug the man but then pulling back uncertain as he chewed his lip.

 

The elder smiled fondly towards his grandson and the Russian, reaching out towards the younger of the two and squeezing his hand in his, his brown eyes crinkled with years of laughter and tears shielded by wire glasses.  “Better now that you are both here to join me for dinner…even though part of this is business.”  The sudden switch of smile lines to wariness halfway through the sentence sobered the gathering.

 

Yuuri thinned his lips as he held his grandfather’s eyes.  “Unfortunately, yes.  With our trip to Russia before us, I wanted to increase the number of guards to ten.”

 

“Of course.  I’ll make the calls to my allies as well.  Moscow, right?”  Takehiko nodded to one of his attendants to make note of this exchange so that he could follow up.

 

“Yes.  You have a current picture of Mikhail so that should help.  We’ve also contacted security both at the hotel and at the arena.  Yakov’s attorneys were able to put a protective order in place after the threat at the last event.”  Yuuri poured tea for the three of them as he discussed the details.

 

“I also left my phone, Yuuri,” Victor added hesitantly.  “Yakov had the photos from…well, the last year.  It also has...the journals I made after each incident of abuse.  I gave him the code to unlock it a few weeks back.”  He dropped his eyes and studied his hands as his lips drew down.

 

“Vitya,” Yuuri whispered, his fingers sliding over his partner’s reassuring.

 

“If something ever happened to me, I wanted to leave evidence behind,” Victor murmured as he lifted his eyes to meet Yuuri’s.

 

Yuuri held Victor’s eyes for a long time, the conversation sobering further.

 

“So we have both legal and private avenues of protection in place.  How do you feel, Victor-san?”  Takehiko asked as he studied the Russian as well.

 

Victor offered a strained smile.  “Better than before.  I’m still nervous.  I don’t trust him…he won’t be so open this time.”

 

The two Japanese men shared understanding glances before the older one responded.  “You should not let your guard down but trust Yuuri and trust the men we’ve put in place.  I’ve been informed that the floor you will be staying on is made up of your Russian teammates, your coach, and my men.  It will be easy to maintain security.”

 

Victor nodded.  “Yakov and Yuuri worked it out together.  I think Yakov has some connections, too, but I don’t know much about them.”

 

The old man offered a knowing smile.  “Your old coach is definitely one to be reckoned with.  Our men will collaborate with him once they arrive and make sure that we are providing the best security possible.”

 

“I don’t know how to thank you, Grandfather.  I know this is expensive.”  Victor studied the plate before him and felt Yuuri’s hand squeeze his knee.

 

The old man shrugged, brushing aside the concern.  “Let me worry about that.  How’s the sushi?”

 

Victor smiled, lifting up warm blue eyes.  “ _ Vkusno _ !”

 

Both Yuuri and Takehiko laughed in response.  The rest of the meal passed with pleasant conversation with Grandfather teasing Yuuri to make an honest man out of Victor.

 

Yuuri studied Victor with a secret smile.  “In time, Sofu.  In time.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri and Victor decide to walk home in the evening air, fingers entwined.  They detoured through the beach, removing their shoes and rolling up their pantlegs while they enjoyed the clouds playing across an enlarged moon.  Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri’s, leaning his cheek into the older man’s shoulder.  A soft sigh escaped his lips.  Yuuri slid his arm around Victor’s waist pulling him in for a kiss, soft and sweet, speaking of promises and love.

 

Victor and Yuuri finally continued their walk to arrive home in the late evening.  His parents were already making their way to bed and the couple could hear music coming from Mari’s room.  Climbing the stairs, they didn’t bother to establish any parameters, just held hands and enjoyed the other’s presence.

 

Yuuri wrinkled his nose as he entered the room they had shared for the past few weeks.  Humidity made the air heavy and hot.  He opened the window to create some circulation as Victor lay back on the bed, arms spread wide.  “This is going to be misery.”

 

Yuuri nodded as he started removing his clothes.    “Pull everything off the bed except the sheet and that should help.”  Dressed down to his boxers, Yuuri opened a storage closet and pulled out a fan to increase the circulation.  He turned to find the bed stripped down and Victor sitting in the middle in nothing more than his briefs.  Raising an eyebrow, he commented, “Did I ever mention how much I like you in pink?”

 

Victor grinned, rolling over to show the word  _ Sassy _ written across the back.  Yuuri chuckled in response, offering a playful swat at the invitation.  Dimming the lamp, he settled in next to Victor.

 

The other man traced his fingers lightly down Yuuri’s arm before leaning in for a kiss.  There was no demand in that kiss, only invitation allowing Yuuri to take it where he wanted it, open lips responding to him. Yuuri was uncertain but he knew that the lingering frustration between them couldn’t go on.  Pulling back from that kiss, he touched his fingers to Victor’s face, studying the way the shadows played with his features.  “You suggested something earlier…”

 

Victor’s eyebrows raised in surprise.  “Are you sure?”

 

“I know I want you, that I want to find a way past this.”

 

“But if you push too much…Hashimoto said that it should relax into place, that it shouldn’t feel forced.”

 

“Which is why you pulled back earlier.  But what if it was from the wrong perspective?”

 

Victor studied him, his lips thin with worry.  “I don’t want to make it worse.”

 

“Can we…test the boundaries?”

 

Victor nodded.  “We can…just, if it doesn’t happen, I don’t want you to be upset.”

 

“And here I was worried that I was upsetting you,” Yuuri murmured, his fingers sliding through Victor’s hair pulling Victor in for another kiss.  Victor held back at first, still worried, but as Yuuri continued to kiss him, he opened up, finally surrendering to Yuuri’s hunger.

 

When the kiss broke Victor pulled up, reaching over to pull out what was needed from the drawer.  “I don’t want you thinking too much,” he explained.

 

Yuuri nodded in response.  Thinking, or rather, overthinking, was his downfall.

 

Once Yuuri established his determination, Victor subtly shifted the tables, taking over, moving Yuuri to reaction.  He had thought about this all afternoon as he napped off and on and burrowed through the problem on his own.  Yes, Yuuri needed to deal with his past.  But that shouldn’t keep him from moving forward.  Especially if that was his desire.

 

Victor pulled back and braided his hair hastily.  “I don’t want to risk it getting in the way,” he explained, needing to remove further chance of it being tugged.

 

Yuuri nodded, watching the deft movements of those fingers.  Then Victor was back in his arms, their legs tangled together, their hands exploring exposed skin.  Victor pulled up enough to get his knees underneath him, lowering himself down Yuuri’s body.  Pulling his hair to the side, he lowered his lips to nip at the skin down Yuuri’s clavicle.  He teased the hollow formed by the meeting of the two collar bones with his tongue before moving down Yuuri’s body, teasing the indents formed by his muscle definition with tongue and lips, grasping Yuuri’s nipple with his tongue, nibbling it with the lightest touch of his teeth.

 

Yuuri answered Victor’s ministrations with soft cries, moaning as he arched into that tongue.  The silk of Victor’s hair touching his skin sent shivers through him.  Long fingers wrapped around his shaft as lips sought out his other nipple.  “Vitya!” he cried out.

 

Victor lifted eyes blown with desired up to meet his, an impish smile on his face.  “Trust me, Yuuri,” he purred before dipping down once more to encircle that sensitive bud with his tongue. 

 

Yuuri started to card his fingers into his hair gently passing over the braid to move to his shoulder and neck, fingers kneading the muscles they met.

 

Victor reached over and lifted the bottle with his free hand and added lubricant to his fingers.  Yuuri watched him, his eyes wide, fear causing him to blink more rapidly.  “Shhh,” Victor whispered at the soft whimper.  “I won’t do anything until you’re ready.”  Yuuri then felt the slickened hand on his member once more and took a quick gasp at the change the slickness added to Victor’s touch.  “Remember, you have to trust me.  That’s the most important part of this.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “It’s not you that I don’t trust,” he whispered, pulling at his lower lip with his teeth.

 

“Focus on me, then,” Victor murmured even as he dipped down to brush his lips against Yuuri’s cheekbone tasting salt and knowing that Yuuri had released stress tears.  “Are we still green, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri nodded but Victor’s movements stilled until he heard the words, “Yes, green.”

 

Victor continued to tease the length, his touch light as his lips moved over Yuuri’s, tasting Yuuri’s moans in his kiss.  Victor followed the trek down Yuuri’s neck, concentrating on Yuuri’s pulse point as his free hand ran to Yuuri’s thigh, running the fingers down the stretch of muscle before kneading their way back up.  Pulling back up, he ran the back of his nails along the inner thigh and watched them fall open to his touch, Yuuri’s eyes half lidded as he focused on the attention Victor gave him.

 

Victor reached down to tease the perineum, testing the response.  He received a gasp at the touch and only a slight jerk from Yuuri’s legs before he relaxed them once more.  Victor used the backs of his nails to lightly touch the sensitive flesh presented to him.  Looking up to meet Yuuri’s eyes, he murmured, “God, you’re beautiful, Yuuchan.”  He heard another gasp in response.

 

He reached down with a finger circling the ring of muscle around his entrance by touch as he held those eyes watching for any sign of distress.

 

Yuuri’s lips parted at the new touches, the feelings brought forth by his lover.  Holding Victor’s eyes, he nodded.

 

Victor reached over and added more slick to his fingers, warming it as the other hand continued to languidly stroke his length.  Circling the entrance until he felt the muscle relax to his touch, he slipped his finger just inside the entrance.  He heard a sharp gasp from his lover and looked up to make sure Yuuri was still okay and received another nod and a whispered “green”.

 

He brushed his lips against Yuuri’s knee, trailing kisses and nips along the other man’s inner thigh as his finger sank deeper, moving it in and out, as Yuuri’s sharp breaths and moans embraced him.  Victor found a particularly sensitive part of Yuuri’s inner thigh and began to suck into it as his second finger worked its way into that tight hole.  Yuuri answered with a long moan as it moved into his heat.  Victor released that flesh and kissed the mark with satisfaction, running his tongue along the surface to soothe the flesh.

 

Rising up on his knees, he moved over Yuuri’s body and felt those hands slide up his arms urging him to come further up until Yuuri captured his lips in a desperate kiss.  He released Yuuri’s length and began to run his fingers along the older man’s abs, tasting Yuuri’s lips as they continued to move over his.  Victor’s other hand remained occupied, his finger scissoring and stretching Yuuri until he felt ready for the third.

 

Pulling Yuuri into a long, demanding kiss, he introduced the next finger into his lover, tasting a groan as Yuuri shook in arousal beneath him.  Victor continued to move his long, beautiful fingers into him, locating and brushing against that sweet bundle of nerves that had Yuuri gasping.  Victor broke the kiss as he began to trail kisses back down Yuuri, the older man’s hands gentle as they brushed over his cheek, his shoulders, Victor leaning forward to brush a kiss over Yuuri’s wrist as it came near.  Victor continued that trail down Yuuri until he rolled back onto his knees.

 

Looking down at Yuuri splayed out before him, he could feel the trust emanating from the other man.  He swallowed at the responsibility but wanted Yuuri just as much, evidenced by his leaking cock.  Reaching for the condom he laid out earlier, he tore the package with his teeth as he removed his hand feeling Yuuri’s protest.  Rolling it onto his length, he reached for the lubricant.

 

“Are we still green, Yuuri?”  He studied Yuuri’s face for any sign of hesitance.

 

Yuuri nodded before breathing out “green”, his eyes watching Victor’s slow deliberate strokes of his own length.  Victor reached for a pillow and guided Yuuri to lift his hips before he lined himself up at Yuuri’s entrance.  He hoped his nervousness didn’t show as he eased into that stretched opening, feeling some resistance at first before it gave way.  Yuuri’s breathing hitched and Victor brought his eyes up, waiting while Yuuri settled his breaths out, watching for signs of distress.

 

“Still green?”

 

Yuuri nodded and it took a moment for Victor to realize that Yuuri was using a hand signal for “yes.”  Victor made note of this so that they could clarify their communication later.  He inched his way in, hesitating each time, making sure Yuuri was ready to take more before he took the next segment of length until he was seated within Yuuri, dropping his head against Yuuri’s chest for a moment, needing to acclimate himself to the tightness surrounding him.  Yuuri’s arms wrapped around him, hands kneading into his shoulders.

 

Yuuri squirmed first and Victor pushed up on his forearms.  The first thrust had Yuuri’s eyes blinking rapidly in pleasure.  “I found it right away,” Victor teased softly as he began long, slow thrusts.  Yuuri whimpered in response, his hips lifting beneath Victor and meeting his thrusts.

 

“My beautiful Yuuchan,” he murmured, leaning forward on his elbow to nuzzle Yuuri’s neck, sucking into the flesh as he continued to thrust into the older man, a mewling mess beneath him.

 

A tightening on Yuuri’s walls brought Victor’s attention into complete focus even as he watched the man come completely undone beneath him, releasing hard with a cry drawing his body tight.  Victor found himself coming from the vibrations of Yuuri’s orgasm.

 

As he came down from the high, he found himself tending to the man beneath him.  He crawled from between his legs to settle down next to Yuuri now curling into him.  Victor cradled him into his embrace, his hands moving in slow steady circles up and down Yuuri’s back.  He finally felt Yuuri’s body relax.  Victor laid him back into the bed and studied those brown eyes, still vulnerable from his orgasm.  “You felt that deeply.  I want to clean you up but I’m hesitant to leave you.”  In answer, Yuuri’s arms tightened around him.  “It’s okay.  I’m here, Yuuchan-love.  I’ve got you.”  He continued to coo soft words of love waiting for Yuuri to answer him.

 

The words came in a halting stutter as if it was an effort to make the connections.  “Vit-ya…”

 

After a long hesitation, Victor scooted down so that he could hold the other man’s eyes directly in front of him, his hand resting on Yuuri’s cheek.  The other man covered his hand and he watched him draw several breaths.

 

“I…couldn’t…talk…too much.”

 

“I noticed.  I saw you…signing?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Basic sign…for…overwhelm.”

 

“I need to learn your words, Yuuchan, when you are in a clearer state of mind.”

 

Yuuri nodded.   “I didn’t…panic…this time.”

 

“No you didn’t, love,” Victor whispered, leaning forward to brush his lips over Yuuri’s.

 

Yuuri moved a hand around Victor’s neck, holding their foreheads together.  “I didn’t…know…I’d get that…way.”

 

“I think your ability to let go is connected to your trust.  You trust me more than yourself.”

 

Yuuri nodded, shoving his hand through his hair.  “I lose…words…when overwhelmed.”

 

“I didn’t know that,” Victor responded, surprised.  “I think we should talk more before we do this again.”

 

Yuuri frowned, uncertainty in his eyes.

 

Victor smoothed the other man’s brow.  “It’s not a bad talk.  I just want to make sure we are communicating.   Okay?”

 

Yuuri lifted his head in a half nod before answering, “Y-yes.  Agreed.”

 

“Good.  Now, will you let me get you cleaned up?”

 

Yuuri nodded and started to follow Victor as the younger man crawled backwards down the bed.   Victor pressed him back, shaking his head.  “You stay here, love.  Let me get what we need.”

 

A smile touched his lips as he laid back in the pillow.  “I like it…when you…call me that,” he murmured.

 

Victor returned moments later with a cool, wet cloth and a small basin of water.  Yuuri watched as the man washed him, his eyes following the strokes of the cloth.  Victor hummed as he cared for Yuuri.   The song caught the lilt in Victor’s voice that sometimes came out when Victor was excited.  When he looked up, Yuuri could see those blue eyes dancing and the soft smile on his lips. 

 

“ _ Anata _ …I love you,” Yuuri murmured.  “Thank you...for taking care of me.”

 

Victor leaned forward and brushed his lips over Yuuri’s.  Smoothing his hair back, he answered gently, “You’ve always cared for me.  I want to show you my love as well.”  Two more brushes of the lips, Victor stood up and Yuuri watched as he quickly washed off before placing the basin in a safe location.  Victor returned to his side, stretching next to him.  “I love you, too, Yuuchan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this. Mom's here for the weekend so I'll be doing minimal writing. I've got a chapter of Lifeline and a chapter of Semicolon to put up. I have another Lifeline in progress. We shall see if that gets ready and sent through to edits. Enjoy the stories and thank you for reading!


	37. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri arrive in Russia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates, for the quick edits and the gift fic that lit a fire under my ass to get something else up. 
> 
> Has it really been five days? Sorry, guys. Between family visiting and getting "Lifeline: St. Petersburg" up and running, I've neglected you over here. I know this is short. But I promise more later. Still writing on Glitters.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

BluSkates has written this lovely gift fic that delves into Victor's past.  If you love this story, this is a must read: [The First Bruise Hurts the Worst](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11404707).

 

* * *

 

[ Home ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mASGCn80lXk)

 

The flight to Moscow was daunting and Yuuri could feel Victor’s stress increasing the closer they came to landing.  Neither slept during the twelve hour flight.  As they left the plane, Yuuri guided Victor through the airport while two of the bodyguards saw to their transportation and two others saw to the baggage.  They were then ushered into one of two SUVs and taken directly to the hotel.

 

By the time they reached their room, they were thankful for the bodyguards who had taken care of them, their luggage, registration, and settled them into their suite.  Four guards would rotate through the adjoining room.  Two would be on duty in the hall while four would sleep in the room across the hall.  The rest of the Russian team occupied the remaining rooms on the floor.  The guards were already familiar with the teammates and had greeted them as they arrived, so the team would be familiar with the guards as well.

 

Victor and Yuuri were asleep, curled up in one another with Yuuri wrapped protectively around Victor.  Victor woke before his partner and began to move about the room, dressing and looking through the room service menu.  Voices in the hall drew him to the door.  He hesitated a moment before opening it.  Takeo and Akio had informed them before that they would be able to roam the floor freely.  Entering the hall, he was greeted with a squeal and a redhead running and wrapping her arms around him.

 

“Vitya!  I am so glad you are safe!  I can’t believe how good you look,” she fussed as she stepped back to look at him.

 

“Yuuri’s mother kept telling me I was too thin and insisted on feeding me,” Victor explained.

 

A young blond leaned against the door down the hall and studied the older Russian.  He then pushed out of the frame and walked toward him, arms crossed over his chest as he looked Victor up and down.  “I guess you finally got tired of getting the shit beat out of you,” he stated, his green eyes narrowing in on Victor.

 

“Yura!” Mila admonished.

 

Victor shook his head.  “No, he’s right.  I finally had enough…and figured out where to go.”

 

“You could have come to any of us,” Mila argued.

 

“No, I couldn’t.  Mikhail would have found a way to drag me back and I wouldn’t have either of you put in danger.  How many times did he harass you at the rink?”

 

“Pfft!  He’s an asshole,” Yuri stated outright.  “If you ever want to know if someone’s an ass, ask a kid.   Katsuki’s okay, though.  He’s always been nice to other skaters.  Just quiet at times.”

 

“How do you know Yuuri?” Victor asked.

 

“I took a spill once a couple of years back at Skate America.  He didn’t say anything about my tears.  Just made sure I was calm and got me to a medic.  Then he found Yakov.  I asked him later why he was at a junior event.  He told me he was there to see me.  It was bullshit but in a nice sort of way.”

 

Victor shrugged.  “He may have been telling the truth.  I am always surprised by Yuuri, by his depth of concern for other people.”

 

“So this is really a thing?  You two are dating?” Mila asked.

 

Victor nodded, a soft smile touching his lips.  “He’s amazing…never pushing, just waiting for me to be ready.”

 

“That’s how it’s supposed to be, Vitya,” Mila murmured.

 

“I didn’t know that…I just knew the bad stuff.”

 

Yuri frowned.  “So, are you ever coming back to St. Petersburg?”

 

“I…haven’t decided.  But not for now.  Not while Mikhail can reach me.  I miss you, though.  All of you.  I’m sorry Mikhail has caused trouble.  I just…I had to get out.”

 

“We’re glad you got out,” Mila reassured him.  “He backed off when Yakov slapped him with a restraining order and sued him for harassment.  We haven’t seen him near the rink in a while.”

 

A door opened behind Victor and he heard a couple of familiar voices.  “Is that Vitya?” one of them asked.  He turned and smiled even as two pairs of arms wrapped around him.

 

“Ivan!  Dmitry!  I am so glad to see you again.”

 

“We all ask about you after your Sunday calls and Yakov tells us what he can,” Ivan stated, patting his back warmly.  “Dmitry was beside himself with worry when we found your locker emptied out.”

 

“I wasn’t the only one,” Dmitry stated quietly.  “Georgi cried more over you than his last break up.”

 

“I-I didn’t know I would upset so many people.  I just…I needed to get away.”  Victor dropped his head fighting back the tears.

 

He found himself enveloped in a hug once more.  This time it was all Dmitry.  “You don’t worry about that, you hear?  You got out.  We all wanted to step in but we were afraid to make it worse.  We’ve been worried about you for some time.  Now we don’t have to worry about you.  Katsuki is a good man.”

 

Victor nodded, swallowing down his tears.  “Yes, he is…the best.”

 

“I can tell he’s taking care of you,” Dmitry continued.  “You are healthier and happier.  I don’t want you to look back.  The past is in the past where it belongs.”

 

Victor smiled weakly.  “I’m still worried, scared even.”

 

“You’ve got all of us watching your back besides the army of bodyguards.  What the fuck, Vitya?  How does Katsuki have such resources?” Ivan asked.

 

Victor shrugged.  “His grandfather has taken a liking to me and wants to make sure I’m safe.”

 

“I wish we could have been enough.  I’m glad you found someone who can,” Dmitry stated.

 

Victor glanced back at his door.  “I’d better get back.  I don’t want to worry him.”

 

“We’ll be around all week,” Ivan reassured him.

 

“I look forward to hanging out,” the shy Russian answered.  Slipping back into his room, his feet took him back to Yuuri.  He crawled into Yuuri’s embrace burying his head into the brunette’s shoulder.

 

Yuuri roused and tightened his arms.  “Hey, what’s wrong?”

 

“It’s just…I didn’t realize how much I had missed everyone.  I just talked to four of my rink mates.  They were all worried about me.  Not just after I left but before.  I didn’t…they knew what was going on but didn’t know what to do.”  Victor drew a ragged breath.  “I didn’t know what to do…not until you showed me a way out.”  He burrowed back into Yuuri’s shoulder.  “Thank you, Yuuri, for finding me, for giving me a place to go.”

 

Yuuri’s hand ran up and down Victor’s back, comforting the younger man as he shook in his arms.  “I’m always here for you, _anata_.”

  


That evening, they joined the Russian team for dinner at the hotel restaurant.  Yakov had Yuuri and Victor join him and Lilia at his table.  The grizzled old man studied Victor as he ate and talked with Lilia and Yuuri.  Finally he broke into the conversation.  “You are looking much better, Vitya.”

 

“Th-thank you, Yakov.  I feel better.  Mila said I’m not as thin.”

 

“That’s part of it.  You are more…confident, stronger.  I like this new version of you.  I look forward to watching you skate.”

 

Victor blushed, his eyes dropping shyly as Yuuri reached under the table to squeeze his hand.

 

“Victor has been very much involved with his programs this season,” Yuuri stated.  “He’s helped with the choreography, selection and placement of the elements, and the design of his costume.  It’s been a pleasure working with him.  You prepared him well, Coach Feltsman.”

 

The older man grunted.  “Victor’s always had it in him.  He just needed the confidence to bring it out.  I’ve always believed in him, though.”

 

* * *

 

They retreated back to the hotel room after dinner, their trip catching up to them.  Yuuri ran a bath, thankful for the extra-large bathtub.  “It’s not like the hot spring but I thought we could share,” he suggested.

 

Victor settled into the tub between Yuuri’s legs, leaning back into his arms.  Yuuri tenderly washed Victor as he rested in his arms.  At some point, Victor shifted to lay his head on Yuuri’s shoulder, facing him.  Yuuri could feel the younger man relaxing in his arms and they remained settled until the bath grew lukewarm.  Using his toe, Yuuri pulled the plug as he shifted Victor into a greater state of wakefulness.

 

“Let’s go to bed,” he suggested.

 

Victor nodded sleepily and stumbled to the bed.

 

In the depths of the night, the shadows crept into Victor’s sleep causing him to fight in his sleep.  Yuuri woke up and tried to sooth him but he remained restless for the next hour.  Finally the younger man settled down and slept.  Yuuri held onto him, a troubled expression on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read my stories, you will see several similarities. These are intentional. I treat these AU's like alternate timelines. This is where the similarities show up. 
> 
> Also, playing around with a fluff fic where Yuuri found the courage to speak to Victor and Victor doesn't fall for Masha's lies. Do you want to read this?


	38. Yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor faces the struggles of being in his home country revealing more fears than just Masha.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, BluSkates, for your wonderful edits. And thank you, Magrathea, for keeping me on track by asking the best questions.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Yours ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAjKZJarlwk)

 

Victor rubbed sleep from his eyes in the gray of the morning.  Yuuri lay stretched out next to him, his arm loosely thrown over Victor’s waist.  The silver haired man carefully slipped out of his hold.  He heard Yuuri hitch in his breath as he slept before turning onto his side.  Sighing, Victor’s expression revealed his nerves would be on edge for the day.

 

Two days in Russia and so far there had been nothing from Mikhail.  Victor could feel his nerves tightening as he waited for the ball to drop.  Two days spent catching up with old friends, listening to his coach’s critiques of his programs, chasing normal.  Two days spent under the watchful gaze of Yuuri, the protection of bodyguards, the worry of Yakov.  Two days spent…waiting.

 

Today, he would skate onto the ice and show his  _ Eros _ to a whole nation who both embraced him and rejected him, a country that welcomed his talent but rejected his humanity because he was gay.  He was no longer protected by the power of a man that would simultaneously destroy him, break him down, eventually take his life.  He now stood in the grace of last year’s World Figure Skating Champion, record holder, his boyfriend, who would give his very life for him.  That thought terrified Victor.  Even if he lost everything, he could not lose Yuuri.

 

_ I am yours, Yuuchan, because you never sought to own me, to enslave me.  You reached out your hand to steady my steps.  You guided me to a safe haven.  You made me whole again, you helped me to accept myself. _

 

Victor reached down and gently carded his fingers through the brunette’s hair.   _ I am scared today, terrified.  But because of you I have the courage to fight.  Because of you I finally know where I belong. _

 

Yuuri stirred beneath his touch and his brown eyes fluttered open, offering a sleepy smile up to his boyfriend.  “Good morning, Vitya,” he murmured.

 

“Good morning, my Yuuri.  I didn’t mean to wake you,” Victor returned softly.

 

Yuuri reached out and drew the man down to him.  “I don’t mind…not when I have you looking down at me with such beautiful eyes.”  His lips sought those of the Russian in a tender ‘good morning’ kiss.

 

* * *

  
  


At the rink Yuuri and Victor watched in anticipation of Mikhail’s appearance, tense.  But he never made an appearance.

 

Victor stood with Yuuri in the arena, holding tightly to the older man’s hand.  Yuuri patted the hand with his other reassuringly, causing the Russian to drop his head against his shoulder but still not able to relax.  “What if he’s here?”

 

“We’ve done so much to prevent that.  Remember the talk with Grandfather.  And Yakov has shared with you several of the other safety measures that he’s put in place.”

 

“I’m trying to convince myself that it’s enough,” Victor stated, his voice tremulous.

 

Yuuri pulled Victor into a private corridor and four bodyguards blocked them from view.  He tipped up his chin and brushed his lips over Victor’s.  “Just stay close to me, Vitya,” he whispered as they released.

 

Victor nodded threading his hand into Yuuri’s.  “Can you protect me from everyone?”

 

Yuuri lifted Victor’s chin.  “You’re afraid of more than Mikhail, aren’t you?”

 

“They…want me to fit in a box, Yuuri.  This country would make me hide behind lies.  The Figure Skating Federation of Russia make me feel like I’m not normal…because I’m gay.”

 

Yuuri slid his hand up into Victor’s hair and behind his neck.  “My skating union didn’t like that I came out as gay, either.  But it is who I am.  Thankfully, I  have supportive friends and family.  You have that as well.  You don’t have to hide.”

 

“And would you fight the entire nation?”

 

“We are fighting an idea, a hatred.  And the only way to fight that is to refuse to allow that idea to dictate how we live, to deny our existence.”

 

Victor chewed his lip as he assimilated the information.  “So what do I do?”

 

“We be ourselves.  Respectful and subdued because we are representing our countries, but not denying who we are.”

 

“So if we are asked about our relationship…”

 

“We speak honestly but we maintain privacy.  Wasn’t it you who told me to give them enough but not too much.  Enough to shut them down but not so much they start digging for more.”

 

Victor nodded.  “I didn’t worry about it…until we came here.”

 

“It’s okay.  You know how to do this.”  Yuuri’s hand slid down Victor’s arm tangling their fingers together.  “And I’ll be right by your side.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

Two hours later, Victor stood fidgeting beside Yuuri.  “Yuuri, I think I need you to help me focus.”

 

Yuuri took his hand and guided the younger man to a quiet place, relatively speaking.  The crowds could be heard through the stands overhead and a monitor nearby, broadcasting the event for the skaters warming up beneath the bleachers.  He seated Victor in a quiet place around the corner.  Victor glanced around and to see the bodyguards taking positions to surround them.  “This still feels so strange, Yuuri.”

 

“The ISU knows you’ve been threatened,” Yuuri stated quietly.

 

Victor peered through the legs of the bodyguards shielding them towards the room with the monitor, catching glimpses of movement.  “And the other skaters?”

 

“After China, the gossip has carried the information to the others.  They know.”

 

“I-I don’t know how I feel about that.”  Victor nibbled his lip, his eyes darting around.  “I was worried about the reaction to my relationship with you in Russia…when my relationship with Mikhail was already broadcast.  I feel exposed…yet, I think I always was.  Just before…I was unaware of it.”

 

“You felt protected from the repercussions of the world,” Yuuri surmised.

 

Victor laughed bitterly.  “Yet I was far from protected.  He would have dragged me along until he took my life…just because I displeased him.”

 

“Vitya, I need to help you focus.  You skate soon.  This world needs to fall away.  Do you trust me?”

 

“Yes, Yuuri.  I trust you more than anyone.”

 

“Then I need you to close your eyes and listen to my voice.”

 

Victor slid his hands into Yuuri’s, meeting warm brown eyes for a moment before fluttering his closed.  Yuuri’s voice began to wind around him, soft words grounding him, his thoughts to the ice.  The subtle twist of the phrases wove into him the structure he needed to set aside the world.  As Victor opened his eyes, he could feel the persona settle onto his shoulders.

 

“Are you ready, Vitya?”

 

The younger man nodded.  “Will you help me to stretch before I go out on the ice?”

 

“Of course,” Yuuri agreed.  Taking the skater through a series of assisted stretches, he finally helped Victor to straighten up, standing tall and serene, skates now tightly tied and ready to step out on the ice.  Victor handed him his jacket to hold as he lined up for the warm up of the final three.  He would skate fourth in the draw tonight.

 

* * *

  
  


As the other skaters cleared the ice ending the five minute warm up, Victor remained, skating around the rink as they announced his name.  Taking his starting position on the ice, he found Yuuri and focused on him, the story taking on a personal interpretation.

 

_ Yuuri, I was startled out of a nightmare when you walked into my life.  Lost in the violence of my world, I thought there was no escape for me.  I was trapped, worthless in my own eyes, held prisoner by his lies.  Then you danced with me and showed me another reality.  You made me feel worthy of love, not just friendship but something deeper, romantic and erotic. _

 

_ I never thought that I could be more.  I looked in the mirror and saw my scars.  I covered myself and hid away.  But you found me, and pulled away the veil revealing the true me.  You saw something other than the scars, something beautiful.  It took a while for me to see it as well, but then, I saw me through your eyes.  I found my smile.  I found my feet.  I found the missing part of me. _

 

_ And you sought me, seduced me in every way, not to own me but to free me.  And in that freedom I became yours. _

 

Victor closed his program facing Yuuri, his smile transforming his entire countenance, making him glisten on the ice.  He skated around the rink taking his bows and then towards the kiss and cry, scooping up a plushie on the way.  Yuuri met him with open arms as he breathed hard, catching his breath even as his emotions overwhelmed him.  He pushed his tears roughly from his eyes before he leaned on Yuuri’s shoulder to slap on his guard.

 

He stared at the boards waiting for the results.

 

102.56

 

Victor turned to Yuuri with wide eyes.  “Is that me?”

 

“Yes, Vitya, that is all you.  You skated so beautifully.”

 

His hands went up to his lips meeting each other palm to palm as he fought to contain himself.  Yuuri guided him from the Kiss and Cry and into the stands to watch the remaining skaters.

 

He finished the night in first.  He shook in Yuuri’s arms as he cried once more.  When they met reporters on their way out, he stated with a shaky voice, “My goal was to find myself this season and reclaim the person I was meant to be.  With Yuuri’s support, I feel so much more authentic than ever before.”  They broke away from the reporters and were quickly swept into the SUV’s with the guard.

 

* * *

  
  


As Victor lay next to Yuuri that night, he murmured, “I love you, Yuuchan.  If I lose everything else this season, having you in my life is enough.”

 

Yuuri drew him into his embrace.  “You are my world, Vitya.  I belong to you…I am yours.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted a link to a gift fic by [BluSkates](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11404707) last chapter and I highly recommend that you read it. I can certainly picture this as how Victor met Masha.


	39. Say You Won't Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a fluff chapter…which includes dancing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, BluSkates and Magrathea! I very much appreciate you both!

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Say You Won’t let Go ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yW7w8F2TVA)

 

 

Yuuri was reluctant to leave their bed before it was absolutely necessary and Victor seemed perfectly willing to let him have his way.  They weren’t scheduled to practice until early afternoon and Yakov wanted them to join the team for dinner afterwards.

 

Victor shifted restlessly in his arms midmorning, grinding into him, his kisses hot on Yuuri’s skin.  They knew to keep it low key but that didn’t stop Yuuri from trailing his kisses down Victor’s torso and capturing his length in his mouth.  His tongue and lips teased and tormented the moans from the younger man until he released into Yuuri’s throat.

 

Victor crawled down Yuuri, reaching for his cock even as his lips found Yuuri’s.  They kissed deeply while Victor continued to stroke Yuuri until he found release in his touch.  It was quick and simple, but with skating before them, it was all they could afford.

 

At close to eleven, they made their way out of bed.  Yuuri slipped away first and cleaned up from their earlier activities in the shower.  While Victor showered, Yuuri ordered brunch.  The younger man came out to a simple kielbasa, tomato, and bell pepper omelet and juice.  “When do we go to the rink?”

 

“We practice at 12:30,” Yuuri stated with a thin smile.  “Our bodyguards will knock on the door when it gets close to time to leave.”

 

Victor sighed in resignation and nodded.  The bodyguards were an ever present reminder of the possibility of danger.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor mingled in with his rink mates as they settled in for dinner.  “Your skating has improved so much,” Dmitry praised.

 

“Yuuri helps me work through my fears,” Victor answered shyly.

 

Katya squeezed his hand.  “He probably has a number of techniques after skating for years with anxiety.”

 

Ivan nodded.  “When the press trumped up rumors about him doping, few of the skaters believed it.  We’d all seen him discretely taking meds but we also saw him working through his anxiety with his coach and rink mates.”

 

“I’m glad to hear that.  He said he had to come out in the open about it after it happened.”

Katya smiled as she remembered it.  “He demolished the press in that conference.  Afterwards, several other skaters came out with their personal struggles.  We all rallied around him.”

 

“Katsuki was always a positive force in figure skating.  He encouraged sportsmanship and always had a kind word to lift another skater up.  He said he’d rather compete against us at our best than win on default because of our lows,” Dmitry stated.

 

“He’s a good man,” Ivan concurred.

 

While Victor was occupied by catching up with his old rink mates, Yuuri leaned in to talk quietly to Yakov.  “Do we know where he is?”

 

“My connections lost track of him about three weeks ago,” the old coach confided.  “He hasn’t been back at his apartment but he has a number of holdings he could be staying at.  I know we’ve put quite a bit of security in place, Katsuki, but I’m still not at peace with this.  If he were just a violent man, I could shut him out by legal means.”

 

Yuuri frowned even as he nodded.  “We just can’t let Vitya know.  He’s already afraid, that fear manifested in nightmares last night and a few moments of panic today.”

 

“Vitya has always been trepidatious.  He withdrew when the school he attended treated him like he was less since he came out.  That other boy…I wish he’d been more discrete.  He tried to shoulder the blame but Vitya had no way of handling the fallout.”

 

Yuuri regarded the older man.  “He said you withdrew him from school afterwards.”

 

“I still blame the school for Vitya falling prey to that man,” Yakov replied in a low voice.  “I tried to support him and encourage him to be strong but he’d always seemed lost.”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips, closing his eyes.  Opening, he sighed before stating softly, “I think it goes beyond the school.  He talks about his mother a lot.  I’m not sure he ever fully recovered from his grief over her death.”

 

Yakov frowned.  “That’s why I encouraged him to get Makkachin.  His loneliness was so profound.  When he channeled it into his skating, he created beautiful, heartbreaking programs.  He is happier with you.  He talks about you when he calls home.”

 

“Do you think we can do his training long distance as you suggested?” Yuuri asked thoughtfully.

 

“It’s not the first time it’s been done this way.  If he were alone, I’d discourage it but with you, I think it might be possible,” Yakov stated.  “It will keep him connected with his family, his rink mates.  He has made a home in Japan and seems happy there.  I want his happiness more than anything.  His happiness and self-worth.  We miss him but he is most definitely safer in Japan.  He can flourish and be himself.”

 

“You speak more like a father than a coach,” Yuuri observed.

 

The old man grunted.  “I’m the closest thing he has to a parent at this point.  I’ve raised him since he was fourteen.  It broke my heart to see him in that man’s grasp.”

 

“And with me?” Yuuri asked, flicking his eyes up to the older man.

 

“Relieved.  I admit I was nervous at first.  But now, relieved.”

 

Victor wandered over to his side and laced his fingers into Yuuri.  “What are you talking about?”

 

“You,  _ anata _ .  Yakov is making sure I’m taking good care of you,” Yuuri answered with a tender smile.

 

Color flushed Victor’s face.  “Oh, god, Yakov!  You didn’t give him the shovel talk!”

 

Yakov laughed deeply startling Victor and several other skaters.  “That conversation occurred months ago.  I believe we are past that.”  Standing he waved the skaters to his side.  “It’s time to go sleep.  Say your good nights to Vitya.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened when the skaters walked by and hugged him before filing out and climbing into the waiting van.  Yakov then surprised Victor by clapping a hand on his shoulder.  “Do your best tomorrow.  For Russia!”

 

Victor smiled.  “I’ll do my best...for you, Yakov.  Thank you.”

 

The older man cleared his throat gruffly.  “Well...good, then.”  He turned and followed the other skaters to the van.

 

On the ride back, Victor snuggled into Yuuri and it was a few moments before Yuuri realized he was crying.  “ _ Anata _ !  What’s wrong?”

 

“It’s just…they hugged me.  Without my initiating it.  That’s all I ever wanted.”

 

Yuuri pulled him close brushing his lips over his hairline.  “You should have all the good things, my dear Vitya.”  Victor sighed into his chest.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Arriving back at the hotel, Victor shifted nervously.  “I don’t think I can relax and go to sleep, Yuuri.  I’ve got too much on my mind.”

 

Yuuri pursed his lips before nodding.  Talking with the concierge, he gained access to an unoccupied ballroom.  Leading the way, he sent several of the men ahead to verify it was safe while waiting beside Akio and Takeo.  Kimiko gave the all clear and they entered the room.  The bodyguards fanned out to every entrance and secured the room.

 

Victor twirled under the chandelier.  Having dressed for dinner, the young man looked beautiful in his gray [ suit](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/03/88/ba/0388ba1c6c049e12dc489b675663f19b--mens-grey-suits-mens-suits.jpg) , black shirt, and striped tie that hinted at a deep lilac as his silver hair swung around his body.  Yuuri stepped forward to take his hand, complimenting him in a charcoal suit [ jacket](https://sc01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1qW5VHFXXXXc5XVXXq6xXFXXXi/2015-Latest-design-for-men-peaked-papel.jpg) over a black sweater and burgundy tie that brought out the reds in his brown eyes.

 

Pulling Victor to him, he led Victor into a waltz as [ music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp-EO5I60KA) played from his phone.  Victor easily fell into his embrace, feeling the older man’s hand on his back secure in his hold as Yuuri took lead through the steps.  Victor held his eyes the entire dance and into the [ next](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QBa-StW8rw) , a soft smile resting on his lips.  As Yuuri guided Victor into a third [ dance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Op7ju5l2uAs) , Victor moved forward into his embrace, resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder as the Japanese man softened his frame.  Yuuri brushed a kiss onto Victor’s cheek.  They murmured soft words of love as they continued to move through more songs.

 

In the dim light of the room, they didn’t notice a pair of eyes watching from the darkness beyond the window.   He stiffened his expression and moved further into the shadows as the guard drew near the window.

 

Victor snuggled close and stifled a yawn drawing a chuckle from the older man.   “I think it is finally time for bed.”

 

In their room, Victor dressed in a long t-shirt and his briefs before falling into bed.  Yuuri joined him in pajama pants and a t-shirt.  Their legs tangled together as Victor rested his head on Yuuri’s chest listening to the steady beat of the older man’s heart.  As Yuuri carded his fingers through Victor’s hair, his breathing evened out until he succumbed to sleep.  Yuuri studied the ceiling, worry knitting his brow.  Yakov’s words echoed in Yuuri’s thoughts.  Neither Victor’s guardian/coach nor his lover would sleep well tonight.  They just had to keep Victor from realizing it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been busy...I'm up to Ch. 42 at this point. (didn't get to Semicolon because I'm on a Glitters roll)
> 
> Hope you enjoy the direction. Time to buckle up, though. It's about to get bumpy.


	40. Total Eclipse of the Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Free skate!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A: These next six chapters were created with considerable discussion with my incredible editor and betas. So I want to give a round of applause and thanks to BluSkates and Magrathea for all of your work. It was an intense couple of days and I know I'm very happy with the product.
> 
> B: I want you to take note of the change in tags and archive warning. For those who trigger to rape/noncon material, I will warn you ahead of time. I do not go graphic. I hope that you will be able to stay with me through this story as we come through the other side.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Total Eclipse of the Heart ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gvfxbo-kA9M&index=22)

 

Under the cover of the darkness offered by the abandoned warehouse, Mikhail Volkov glanced at his phone and thinned his lips at the incoming call.  He cancelled the call, there were more pressing matters on his thoughts.  His father could wait.

 

The Russian man considered his resources as he disassembled the gun.  As grandnephew of the Pakhan, he was working his way up to Avtoretyet and maintained a tight unit as a Boyevic.  He had been young when he proved himself as a vor, a made man, his intellect and charisma catapulting him into leadership.  However, recently his great-uncle relieved him of his duties, his ‘personal life interfered with his priorities’.  He would have to prove himself once more to regain favor.

 

He worked the oiled cloth over the metal, studying each piece for signs of wear and rust as his thoughts focused on the subject of his anger.   _ This was Katsuki’s fault _ .  He interfered with his family then with his position with the Bratva.  The Japanese man thought he could take what belonged to Mikhail.  Maybe in his own country Katsuki  could keep hold of Victor.  But now the skater was in his territory.  What could a Japanese patriarch do to him here in Russia? 

 

“Vit’enka, you foolish boy.  You are mine.  I’ll make sure you know it.  Your punishment for cheating on me will be severe.”  Mikhail began to reassemble the Grach.  Testing the action, he smiled in satisfaction.  Sliding in the clip, he aimed it at the target.  50 meters of accuracy.  That’s all he needed.  The shot landed center mass.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri rolled over and kissed Victor awake.  “Good morning, sweetheart.”

 

Victor rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.   “What time is it?” he murmured.

 

“Close to ten,” Yuuri confirmed.  “I turned off the alarm when you kept waking up last night.”

 

Victor sighed deeply, his expression weary.  “I don’t know if it’s the competition or worries about Mikhail.”

 

“Probably both,” Yuuri agreed.  “Come on.  You’ll feel better after a shower.”  Yuuri pulled Victor out of bed.  The younger man slumped over Yuuri’s back, wrapping his arms around Yuuri.

 

“Shower with me, Yuuri.  I don’t want to be alone,” he pouted.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “I could be persuaded.”  Guiding Victor into the bathroom, he set the taps.  Stepping under the falling water, he held out his hand to invite the Russian inside.  Victor stepped in and wrapped his arms around Yuuri once more, drooping against his shoulder.  Yuuri hummed quietly against Victor as he rocked the man in his arms, half dancing under the falling water.

 

“I know that song,” Victor said after a while.  He started [ singing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tJfum8uCnM) the lyrics in Russian, his voice lilting softly in the echo of the shower.  As he finished, he lifted his head.  “December…that’s when I first saw a way out.  You opened that door, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri’s hand reached up to cup Victor’s cheek.  “I want you to feel safe.”

 

“I don’t think I will until we leave this country.  Too much has happened.  I wasn’t sure until I returned but I…I don’t want to live here.”

 

Yuuri nodded thinning his lips.  “Yakov and I have discussed filming you, with him acting as your coach from a distance once I return to the ice.  I’m doing something similar with Ciao Ciao, and many skaters have worked this way successfully.  We can work together to get our film to them and stay in Japan…if that’s what you want.”

 

Victor smiled and nodded.  “I would love to stay with you in Japan.  It’s the first place that I’ve felt happy in a long time.”

 

“I think, though, we need to consider moving into our own apartment.  Mari is more involved in the inn and it makes sense that she has the upper floor.  I’ve talked to Minako about taking the other loft over the ballet studio.  It was vacated a month ago.  I think she held it open thinking I might be interested.”

 

Victor’s expression transformed.  “Our own place?”

 

“If you are ready…my parents will be fine if we decided to stay longer,” Yuuri reassured him, not wanting to pressure the Russian.

 

Victor shook his head.  “I think…because it is you, I’m ready.”

 

“I’ll let Minako know, then,” Yuuri promised.

 

“I can’t believe you want to live with me!”  Victor’s eyes were lit up with excitement.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Of course I would.”  The promise of a future seemed to lighten Victor’s countenance and he pulled away enough for them to wash, helping each other in the hard to reach places.

 

The sound of the hair dryer filled the background as Yuuri scrolled through his phone.

 

**Phichit/ How is Victor doing in Russia?**

 

**Yuuri/ Up and down.  We are currently up.  I asked him to get an apartment with me.**

 

**Phichit/ :-O**

 

**Phichit/ That’s one way to do it I suppose.**

 

**Yuuri/ What’s going on where you’re at?**

 

**Phichit/ I’ve been tracking some interesting activity by a certain person of interest.  He seems to have been disassociated from the organization.**

 

**Yuuri/ How can you tell?**

 

**Phichit/ Less cover on his finances.  The layers of encryption are light which leads me to believe he’s either lost favor or has gone rogue.**

 

**Yuuri/ It could be both.**

 

**Phichit/ I know.**

 

**Yuuri/ Do you have any clue where he’s at?**

 

**Phichit/ Russia for certain.  He keeps popping up in various locations but I think that’s on purpose.  Like a misdirection.**

 

**Yuuri/ Misdirection?**

 

**Phichit/ His activity leaves a trail but the locations don’t make sense.  They aren’t tied to any of his personal holdings under any of the aliases we know.  He keeps popping up like he’s further north.**

 

**Yuuri/ His apartment’s in St. Petersburg.**

 

**Phichit/ But then, all of the sudden it shows him south near Sochi.**

 

**Phichit/ I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he was in Moscow.**

 

**Yuuri/ Do you see any Moscow activity?**

 

**Phichit/ Nope.  Everywhere but Moscow.**

 

**Yuuri/ Which means…he’s here.  Shit!**

 

**Phichit/ Be careful, Yuuri.**

 

**Yuuri/ We will.  Thank you.**

 

**Phichit/ No problem.  I’ll let you know if anything else pops up.**

 

Yuuri thinned his lips.  Glancing towards the bathroom, he knew it would be awhile longer for Victor’s hair to finish drying.  Slipping into the hall, he called out to his security leads.  He led them to Yakov’s room to meet with them and Yakov to relay what he’d learned.

 

“Mikhail is leaving a curious trail with his finances,” Yuuri began.  “It appears he’s popping up on the map everywhere north of here...and south of here.  He’s purposefully avoiding Moscow.”

 

Akio met Takeo’s eyes.  “I’ll alert the men.  We’ve been on full alert the entire time but this changes matters.”

 

Takeo nodded.  “We should alert Katsuki-soma.”

 

Akio agreed.  “I’ll make the report then meet with the security team.”

 

Yakov’s expression was troubled but he didn’t comment until the team left.  “Katsuki, can you keep my boy safe?”

 

Yuuri tightened his jaw.  “I hope so.”

 

“When I filed the reports to gain the restraining order, the officer on duty informed me that this was the most dangerous period.  That the situation could escalate quickly.  He’s a loose canon, Katsuki.  Expect anything.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


Yuuri seemed to keep hold of Victor, a stray hand touching him, his fingers entwining Victor’s, some sort of contact throughout the day.  Victor didn’t mind it, the extra attention grounded him and made him feel wanted.  Besides, Yuuri had asked him to get an apartment together that morning.  Whereas with Mikhail he felt pushed into the move, with Yuuri it was easy, natural, unforced.  The attention only further proved to Victor that he was loved by this man.

 

However, impatience settled in on Victor as it drew close to his time to skate.  He wanted to finish, to leave Russia, to move forward.  He heard Yuuri’s encouragements, spoken words that seemed distant.  His thoughts were on the ice.  It felt…like a battlefield.  And he was preparing for a fight.  He wouldn’t back down.

 

Gliding onto the ice, he heard the cheers of his friends and fellow countrymen.  He lifted his shoulders and stood tall.  He would dance for them on the ice but this skate was for him.  This was his life and he would not sacrifice his identity for this country.  He skated out, his hair braided back then dropping into a long ponytail, his chin held high, his expression serene.  He turned until he faced Yuuri.

 

The opening strains of [ _King_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZeVx_9au5g) began to play.  Victor skated, his despondency reflecting the loneliness of his earlier life, the loneliness that led to his bad decisions.  

 

_ I may have lost myself for a while, not having control of my world for several years, but Yuuri found me.  I still lacked confidence in those early days.  Even now, I falter.  But each day I find it easier to hold my head up.  Each day I reclaim more of myself, strong and resilient, creative and beautiful, scarred and sculpted.  And I have so much more now, I AM so much more now.  All I have to do was rid myself of the monsters that plague me.  _

 

His closing pose held strength, his head held high, his shoulders back.  He appeared every bit the king, his eyes resting on the crowd before him claiming them as his.

 

The crowd responded with overwhelming cheers.  Victor kicked off the ice and glided towards Yuuri.  His lover wrapped the jacket around Victor and guided him to wait for the result.  He held onto the younger man knowing he would fall apart.  Yuuri knew already as did his competitors.

 

200.45

 

Victor’s hands went up to his face, tears falling down his cheeks in rivers.  Here.  In the country that forced him to deny his identity, he took gold.

 

Yuuri waited for him as he came off the podium.  He hugged his fellow competitors and they almost didn’t mind losing to the beautiful blonde, his graciousness endearing him to them.  He arrived at Yuuri’s side.  He could do anything with this man beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pakhan - the "godfather" in Bratva
> 
> Avtoretyet (authority) - Brigadier, Captain in charge of a small group
> 
> Boyevic (warrior) - Making up the main strike force, they recruit new members and run specific jobs assigned by the Avtoretyet
> 
> vor (thief) - Made man, a recruit that shows considerable leadership skills, intellect, charisma, and personal ability
> 
> Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_mafia


	41. When the Darkness Comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go awry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't say enough about how much I appreciate BluSkates and Magrathea. Send them lots of love because they got me through a record two days of writing.
> 
> Also, just remember that there is NO major character death warning. This chapter does have some violence, though.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

* * *

 

[ When the Darkness Comes ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjhvSRe-pZE)

 

Victor and his fellow competitors faced the reporters at the post-competition press conference.  The Canadian skater, Jean-Jaques Leroy, who came in second, tried to take over the interview talking about winning by the power of “JJ-style”.  The Italian bronze medalist, Michele Crispino, thanked his sister and fellow ice skater, Sara, for her support.  The three men who topped the podium at this event were the final qualifiers for the Grand Prix Final.  Phichit had won his berth taking gold at Skate Canada, and Chris qualified at Trophee Lalique. Otabek Altin, a new comer from Khazakstan had surprised everyone qualifying early with a strong second place win at Skate Canada and a gold at Skate America.

 

Victor felt the focus fall on him.  “It would be hard to place credit for today’s victory on one person.  Yakov trained me for years, preparing me for this win.  Yuuri and I worked together to choreograph my programs and he encouraged me to take risks.  Then I also have the support of my rink mates and my new friends and family.  Overall, I would have to attribute this win to the love that I receive from all these people.”

 

“Mr. Nikiforov, what can you tell us about your relationship with Mr. Katsuki?”

 

Victor pasted a fake smile in place before he betrayed his emotions.  The press was always looking for a dramatic story.  “Yuuri is my mentor, my friend, and my partner.  And that is all I have to say on the topic.”

 

Two other reporters fired off questions, attempting to dig into their relationship and received “no comment” in reply before the other two skaters surged forward.  “Let’s focus the questions on skating,” Crispino redirected.

 

“We’ve all got a personal story,” Leroy added.  “This is not the forum for that.”

 

The Japanese reporter Morooka stepped in at this redirect and asked, “Gentlemen, can each of you talk about your plan with the next series?”  Several of the reporters shifted awkwardly.

 

Leroy laughed and said, “I expect to win.”

 

Crispino side-eyed JJ before stating, “I look forward to testing myself against five of the best skaters in the world at this moment.”

 

Victor smiled thoughtfully.  “I’ve already proved so much to myself.  I look forward to what the next level of competition reveals.”

 

As the interview closed, Victor rejoined Yuuri and they were quickly surrounded by reporters before Yakov came to escort them away.  Victor and Yuuri had to re-enter the arena after they had gathered their gear and a large number of fans were still milling around hoping to catch a glimpse of their idols.

 

As the couple were trying to leave through the lingering crowd chaos erupted somewhere in the middle tearing their hands apart.  A surge of people pulled Yuuri back, he called out to Victor as he was shoved further away from the man.  He frantically searched for his silver hair in the crowd, shoving on an earpiece.  “Akio, I’ve been separated from Victor.  Tell me someone has eyes on him.”  The two guards assigned to walk with them had been knocked away by the crowd, now moving frantically in all directions.

 

“We did until a few seconds ago, boss.  Takeo is pushing forward to where he was last seen.  Kimiko and Yasu are working the surrounding area.”

 

“I have Azumi and Shinoba.  They are trying to get me through.  What happened?” Yuuri asked.

 

“I don’t know if it was staged or not,” Azumi broke in.  “It appears that a couple of fans broke into a fight.  However, I don’t like this.”

 

“Me neither,” Yuuri stated, his voice low and bitter.

 

They pushed through towards the crowd trying to find a break that would allow them to pass through the struggling crowds.  Security was occupied with dealing with the fight.  Coaches were occupied with securing their skaters. Fans, who had been waiting for autographs and selfies, were now either surging towards the fight for gossip, or rushing for exits in chaos.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor watched Yuuri disappear behind the wall of fans.  He tried to remain still, knowing it would be the best way for the guards to find him.  Victor watched the crowds move in rapid disorder about him as he was knocked into and pushed back several steps.  Too late he realized that in his home country he didn’t stand out as well as in Japan.  His blond hair blended in, and while he was tall to Yuuri he was average on his home turf. Hidden in the crowd, he heard the voice moments before he felt the iron grip on his forearm, another hand wrapping into his hair.  “There’s my angel,” came the steely voice.  “I’ve missed you.”

 

“Mikhail,” Victor bit out bitterly.  “Let me go.  I’m no longer yours.”

 

“That’s where you’re wrong,  _ lyubov moya _ .  Once you are mine you will always be mine,” he sneered.  Giving a yank to Victor’s hair, he smiled in satisfaction at the whimper that escaped the younger man’s lips.

 

Victor’s eyes went wide when he realized how horrific this could end.  He began to scream and fight, using whatever means necessary, his heels, his free hand, pulling against the massive tangle of hair.  The crowd seemed unaware of the struggle in the background.  They were backing further away from safety.  Victor panicked, but the lessons from Mari and guards returned to him, he twisted around in the other man’s hold, shoving his fist into Mikhail’s solar plexus.

 

“Oomph!” Mikhail had not expected a focused punch from the man he had abused for years, and Victor, for a moment, thought he was free, the hand loosening in his hair, the other releasing his forearm.  He started to pull free when all of the sudden he felt the hand in his hair tighten and jerk him back.  Victor cried out in pain, fighting the tears and the loss of control.  An iron grip wrapped around his middle and he was dragged further into the recesses of the stadium.

 

“Don’t worry,  _ solnyshka _ , I’ve found a route for us to slip away unnoticed,” his captor cooed.

 

Victor whimpered trying to shove and pull out of the older man’s grasp, nails scratching, feet stamping.  Mikhail tightened the pull on his hair.  Victor went rigid.  Too many years of violence had ingrained this response into him.  He blinked into the darkness, his eyes wide with fear.  Then he felt the steel against his temple.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you, Vit’enka, but if you force me, I will do what is necessary.” Mikhail’s breath was hot on Victor’s ear and he felt the threat in the man’s voice.

 

Victor knew better.  Mikhail would take particular pleasure in hurting him.  Victor was certain that this hideous man had been imagining all of the ways he could torture the blonde.  He whimpered as he considered what was before him.  He was rewarded with a tug of hair that signaled him to be quiet.  Biting his tongue, he allowed himself to be dragged down the darkened hallway lit only by narrow lights along the ceiling.

 

* * *

  
  


“We’ve located him using his phone,” Takeo sent across the wire.  “I’m sending the location.  We are headed in that direction to surround him.”

 

“Wait for the team,” Akio commanded.  “We are right behind you.  Boss, stay behind us.”

 

Yuuri moved closer to Akio, the bodyguard close on the trail.  Yuuri launched into a run when he heard Victor’s scream only to be subdued by two bodyguards grabbing hold of him.  “Vitya,” he hissed in desperation.

 

“We know,” Azumi confirmed.  “We can’t be rash, Yuuri-san.  We don’t know if he’s armed.”

 

“Given his associations, I think it can be assumed he’s armed.  Stay behind us, boss,” Akio reiterated, this time adding a firm tone that told Yuuri the bodyguards were not about to sacrifice his safety, nor let him do so either.

 

Jiro, who had a map of the layout of the building, called through the wire, “We’re coming up on an exit.  Do we have someone on the other side?”

 

“We’re on it,” Kimiko and Yasu echoed back.

 

“Remember, this is a hostage situation.  Assume he is armed,” Akio reinforced.

 

Yuuri’s breath hitched at the lead guard’s words.  He trusted his team but he felt helpless to help Victor.  As they rounded the corner, they spotted Mikhail with Victor in his grasp.

 

Mikhail turned to face them, growling, “I recommend you back off.  I’m only taking back what is mine.”

 

“He has a gun!” Victor cried out, his voice panicked.

 

They could see one hand wrapped up in Victor’s hair, the other wrapped around a pistol.  Yuuri’s brain melted into panic and began to filter out information as he heard the buzz on the wire.  Words like  _ Grach _ ,  _ semi-automatic _ ,  _ short recoil _ ,  _ 17 rounds _ ,  _ low light sights _ , and  _ 50 meter effective range _ floated across the earpiece.  Yuuri’s eyes rested on the gun.  He could hear Akio calling out to him in the earpiece.  “Boss, stay behind us.”

 

Except he couldn’t.  Every instinct was overridden by Victor’s imminent danger.  Somewhere in the moment he felt panic slip from him, and was replaced with an eerie certainty.  “Let him go, Mikhail.  You don’t want to hurt him,” he stated calmly.

 

Mikhail laughed bitterly.  “You know nothing of what I want.”  He lifted the gun and centered his aim Yuuri.

 

Yuuri saw the events happen so fast but it appeared to be in slow motion.  In a confused blur, Victor screamed, jerking against Mikhail’s hold.  The gun discharged just as Yuuri was shoved back by one of the guards.  Victor screamed once more.  Yuuri felt the impact.  Confused curiosity hit his brain not registering what just happened, but feeling himself fall steadily to the ground.  He looked up towards the man who shot him, seeing the weapon train on Victor as he backed out of the building.  Yuuri weaved, dazed and crumpled down further.  Then a cold darkness covered him.

 

Victor struggled in the hold of his captor.  “Yuuri!” he cried out reaching back towards the mass of men knowing his Yuuri was among them, sensing their helplessness in this situation, feeling hopelessness set in as he was pulled further back.  His hair was jerked once more and Victor felt the barrel of the gun against his skin in warning, the heat burning his flesh.   _ Yuuri will fight to live.  I must do the same.   _ He stilled and found himself dragged out to an SUV.  Pulled into the back, Victor’s eyes widened, wild.  He wasn’t alone.  Two men waited in the back of the vehicle and helped pull him in and restrain him.  He remembered one of the faces.  He’d seen him at their apartment but didn’t recall an introduction.  Cold fear set in and he instantly started to struggle against their hold when he felt a thump rattle his skull. Darkness clouded his thoughts as reality fell away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to say...don't hate me?


	42. Waiting All Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor in Mikhail's hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters get rougher as they go along. I want you to be aware. 
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Reference to rape. Abusive behavior. First scene and third (last).

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Waiting All Night ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M97vR2V4vTs)

 

**Trigger Warning:  References to abuse and rape.**

 

“Abram, Sergie, set up a patrol outside the building.   Lev, climb up on the roof and keep watch on the road.  I’ve got to reacquaint myself with my Vitya.”  He approached the room where they had deposited Victor earlier and loosened the lock.

 

With the guard set, Mikhail was now free to focus his attention entirely on the blonde.  The boy had remained unconscious for the duration of the drive with the aid of the drug injected along the way.  Sliding his hand through the loose blonde strands, Mikhail smiled to himself.  “My sweet angel.”  Victor stirred in his sleep but did not wake.  A smile teased at Mikhail’s lips.

 

Taking his knife, he began to cut away the younger man’s clothes.  His hands ghosted over the surface of the familiar form, stopping to cup at areas that had filled in, remembering how beautifully hollow his boy had looked while under his care.  “They’ve fattened you up.  We’ll take care of that, though. You’ll be beautiful once again.”  Mikhail worked on the restraints with practiced ease latticing the rope up his arms.  He loved how the boy looked in red. He hummed as he worked remembering other times he tied his darling up.

 

The older man stroked his finger down Victor’s cheek.  “I know you were confused,  _ lyubov moya _ .  Don’t worry.  I’ll remind you of my love.  You’ll remember that you belong to me.  You’ll see the proof of it written across your body.”  He then slid his hand down the blonde’s back before resting it a moment on the younger man’s ass hesitating for a moment.

 

He moved down to Victor’s feet and bound them as well.  Tugging and testing the restraints, he smiled to himself.  “I look forward to seeing you submit to me once more,  _ zvezda moya _ .  You look beautiful laid out helpless beneath me.”   Mikhail looked down at the gift he had prepared for himself, but voices from outside brought out a grunt in frustration.  Giving one more tug on the ropes, he exited the room leaving the figure skater curled up and unconscious.

 

He closed the door to the small room shadowing it in darkness.  Sliding the chain through the holes cut into the door and wall, he padlocked it shut. Resting his hand on the door, he murmured, “Sleep well, my dear.  I’ll join you soon.”

 

Turning on his heel, he moved to walk the perimeter and give instructions to the men.  The two he commissioned to cause the commotion had arrived while he was securing Victor.  Mikhail considered his assets.  He had five men with him at this location, plus another redirecting the flow of information online.  This warehouse was under another name, forgotten and abandoned.  And in its isolation, it would be almost impossible to locate.  Still, he needed to arrange a watch until Katsuki’s team gave up and returned home.

 

“Ah, Oleg, Boris, what can you tell me?”

 

Oleg answered, “Katsuki lives.  He was taken in an ambulance to the hospital.  He was still unconscious when they carried him out.”

 

Mikhail grunted in dissatisfaction.  He knew the shot hadn’t been fatal.  If he had more men, he could send someone to finish the job.  “Do you know where he is?”

 

“It’s not been released,” Boris replied with a shake of his head.  “They are tagging the action as terrorist since it involved an international skater.  We will need to be cautious with FSB eyes on this.”

 

Mikhail raked his hands through his hair.  His uncle will not be pleased if he pulled the eyes of Russia’s national criminal investigation agency onto his family. Local police can be bribed or frightened off, but the FSB were above his meager influence.  He turned to look at the door of the tiny room and started to walk back. His fingers began to itch with their familiar want.   _ How is it that you became so important, my angel?  For the longest time, you remained in the shadows.  Who taught you to shine?  Don’t worry.  Tarnish builds quickly without constant polish.  You will only know me from now on. _

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri’s eyes blinked open, a dull pain radiating through him from his shoulder.  Looking down at the bandage wrapped around him, he frowned.  “Damn,” he breathed.

 

“Yuuri, you’re awake!” a familiar voice cut through the blurriness.

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened as a pair of glasses settled onto his face.  “Phichit!  Why are you here?”

 

The Thai skater shrugged.  “I had a bad feeling and grabbed the next flight after we finished texting.  Chris and Lawrie are here as well.  They are out talking with Yakov.”

 

“How long have I been out?” His eyes trailed to the window, noticing the daylight.

 

Phichit answered cautiously, trying not to worry his friend further..  “It’s been around twelve hours.”

 

Yuuri started to push up out of bed before he felt a restraining hand on him.  He was disturbed to see his head bodyguard was in the room with him. “Akio, why are you here?  Where’s Vitya?”

 

“We are working on locating him,” the guard stated flatly.  “I’m here under orders along with Azumi and Shinoba in the hall and Ryoka at the front entrance.”

 

“Who is looking for Vitya?” Yuuri demanded.

 

“I am, for one,” Phichit stated nodding towards the computer.  “Your grandfather has sent in another dozen or so men.  They will arrive in another three hours.  Meanwhile, I’m communicating with Takeo and Kimiko who are leading the rest of your team to track down Victor.”

 

“Is he still in Moscow?”

 

“It looks like Mikhahil’s moving him towards St. Petersburg.  That makes sense because he is out of his family’s territory in Moscow,” Phichit replied.

 

Turning to Akio, he knew the man answered to Takehiko first.  “What is Grandfather saying?”

 

“He’s working with his alliances.  Since this was an incursion into another Pakhan’s territory, the Russians are demanding blood.  Especially since you and Victor fell under their protection by terms of the alliance,” Akio explained.

 

“But if he is moved out their territory will they be able to assist us?”

 

“It falls to politics and territories.  But your grandfather is pushing hard, cutting back trade deals and closing off Tokyo and Kyoto until he gets the response he desires.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “What else do we have?”

 

“Besides your grandfather’s alliances and our men, we have Yakov who has made some surprising calls of his own.  He can’t go into any details.  However, I believe those contacts might be FSB.”

 

“Will that put you at risk?” Yuuri asked, trying to get a feel for what he has on hand. He knew that his grandfather’s men didn’t usually work with that side of the law often.

 

Akio offered a benign smile.  “I’m just the lead of a security team,” he stated, his hands spread wide with his palms up.

 

Yuuri’s lip twitched momentarily.  He knew his grandfather’s men knew how to handle themselves.  Turning toward his friend, Yuuri added, “And I have Phichit on the computer chasing money trails I assume.”

 

The Thai skater/hacker nodded adding, “I’m also working off of a profile provided by Lawrie and Chris after they interviewed those that knew Mikhail.  We’ve been busy while you were sleeping, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri frowned guiltily.  “I was foolish and we lost advantage.”  He felt a hand on his uninjured shoulder.  Looking up, he met Akio’s eyes.

 

“There was no way that was going to play out well.  Thankfully, it was disrupted enough that it didn’t prove fatal.  You know Victor will fight in any way possible as long as he has hope you are alive.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “So what now?”

 

“We wait for information.  And your release.”

 

Yuuri’s fingers twitched.  “I wish I had my computer.”

 

Phichit looked up with a grin.  “I thought you’d never ask.”  Reaching under his chair, he pulled out Yuuri’s backup computer.  “I brought this with me. You left it behind in Detroit.”

 

“I left a lot of things behind.  But thank you for this.  It’s not as good as my baby but it will do the job.”  He lifted the lid and powered up, his fingers quickly flying over the keys to activate the password and make the connections he needed.  Soon, both Phichit and Yuuri were looking for any activity that would give away Mikhail Volkov’s position.

 

* * *

  
  


Victor blinked his eyes open, his body was wracked with a familiar pain, one he had felt daily for years.  One that he would never forget.   _ I’ve been raped. _  Victor closed his eyes tightly to keep the tears from falling _. _ His legs and back were on fire from the abuse. _  You couldn’t even wait until I was awake to take me.  Not that I won’t fight you. I won’t let you break me.  Not this time. _

 

Victor steadied himself after he processed what Mikhail had already done.  He studied his person.   _ I’m naked.  He wasted no time stripping me down.  He’d done this before, removed the privilege of clothes to keep me home.  _   He then noticed the cords knotting around his body.    _ I’m bound.  It feels like nylon, these knots are familiar.  He’s tied me up like this before. _  He tried to sit up and felt a dizzying pain in his head.  Fighting off the nausea, he props himself up enough to look around.

 

_ The room is small. _  He could see the holes where the door is chained shut.  Along the ceiling, light slipped through around the rafters.  The coolness of the concrete offered some relief to the bruising of his skin as he twisted on the floor.  He sniffed the air, smelling damp, moldy hay.   _ Is it a barn or some type of farm warehouse?  I’m probably not in the city. _  He listened for noises.  He hears the creak of something metal swinging in the outer room.   _ No traffic.  Wind, though, like it’s blowing through trees.  Or maybe just a drafty building. _

  
Looking towards the light seeping through the ceiling, he begged the heavens for some sliver of hope.   _ Yuuri, are you alive?  Is anyone looking for me? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to BluSkates and Magrathea for your help in this project. It's been a bumpy ride. 
> 
> *Sets out dishes of chocolate, boxes of tissues, and an assortment of warm fuzzy blankets for everyone.*


	43. I Won't Stop Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is out of the hospital. Victor faces Mikhail.
> 
> Trigger warning: Violence/Rape. Second scene. Marked with **** leading in and exiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has the hard scene of this story in it. For those who want to wait until things soften up to finish reading, I've been telling several that Ch. 46 is where you want to start reading again. Up through 45, it's a rough ride. 
> 
> Also, I said no major character deaths...some have asked this. No, Mikhail is not considered a major character. Imagine his demise to your heart's content.
> 
> I wrote this, give the love to the ones that helped me sort this out and edit it. [BluSkates](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BluSkates/pseuds/BluSkates) and [Magrathea](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Magrathea/pseuds/Magrathea).

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

* * *

 

[ I Won’t Stop Running](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRWZgsTzipA)

 

**Trigger warning:  Violence/Rape.  Second scene.  Marked with **** leading in and exiting.**

  
  
  


Yuuri surveyed the landscape from the window of his hotel room.  He had refused to stay an additional night for ‘observation’ in the hospital.  Outside the window he could see all of Moscow glittering under a sky full of stars.  Behind him, inside the room, he could hear Phichit working furiously at the keys of his computer.  Chris and Lawrie were picking up the food that Yuuri had insisted he didn’t want, but knew he and everyone needed..  Akio talked on the phone in Japanese, probably to Grandfather.  The reflection of the window revealed Yakov stepping up behind him and placing a hand on his shoulder.

 

“I’m sorry, Yakov,” Yuuri stated quietly, ducking his head, unable to meet the Russian coach’s gaze.  “I couldn’t keep him safe.”

 

He felt a squeeze of that hand and looked up to see two eyes, full of sorrow and compassion.  “It was an insurmountable task.  You didn’t fail him and you won’t give up on him.”

 

“I won’t…even if it takes a lifetime, I won’t give up.”

 

The old coach nodded silently and withdrew, he had to take his skaters home that day.  Each member of the team had refused to leave, wanting to stay and help as much as they could.  But ultimately they agreed that they’d done all that they could and this job was better left in hands that were familiar with dirt.  Before he left the room, Yakov turned back to the man in the window.  “Keep me informed.”

 

“I will, sir.  I’m going to bring him home.  Whatever it takes.”  At this point, Yuuri would gladly  sell his soul to the devil and bargain with Lucifer himself.  He’d work for his grandfather if necessary, getting his hands dirty up to his arms, abandoning all of his principals for the sake of Victor.  He knew he had it in him to kill.  When it came to protecting Victor, he definitely had it in him.  Akio had refused to give him a weapon, however.  And even in the past the guards had refused to teach him even basic firing skills.  Pulling his glasses off, he rubbed his eyes.  Even with glasses, his distance vision was off.  It probably was just as well.  He couldn’t likely aim with his vision.

 

Turning back towards the room, he demanded, “Phichit tell me something.”

 

Phichit looked up.  “The new aliases provided by the FSB have opened up several other possibilities.  I’ve got a friend with a topology background running a probabilities analysis on the new data.  It’s similar to the technique used to find the Korean war tunnels by the U.S.  They were able to run a numerical analysis to determine where the tunnels were most likely to be located and make a more deadly strike.”

 

“How long will it take him?  I don’t know how much time we have.”

 

“He’s a real life Charlie Epps.  He has done consultation with the CIA and FBI on a number of projects and understands the time factor.”

 

“I’m surprise he’s helping us.  Won’t it risk his security clearance?”

 

“Victor’s kidnapping has caught international attention to be certain.  He approached me when he realized I was involved with this program.  I’ve run computer analysis for him in the past on matters that do not require clearance and we work well together.  Besides, you think this guy can’t cover his tracks?”

 

“Well, I’m thankful for the help and won’t turn it down.  Let me know when you have something,” Yuuri agreed.  Turning to his security lead, “Akio?”

 

“I’ve got twenty-one men tracking on the ground.  We can confirm that he, along with two associates, forced Victor into a black SUV and left the city, northbound, but after that we lost them.  The smaller towns and burgs don’t have cameras at intersections like larger cities.  Once they left Moscow, we lost sight of them.  We are reporting information as we can so that Phichit can update his information.   We’ve cleared all of Mikhail’s holdings closest to Moscow.  Working on the probability that he’s moving north, we’ve directed our search on holdings trekking towards St. Petersburg.”

 

“Have we learned who is helping him?”

 

“I’ve butted heads with his hacker,” Phichit stated.  “He goes by the name of Black Death.”  He punctuated this announcement with an eye roll.  “That dirtbag is working a pretty good pigeon game, sending out wrong information and false check ins. I stopped tracing Victor’s phone after I realized this guy put a crybaby on it.  I just can’t understand why he’s working with Mikhail, he usually works for the highest bidder, which is way out of Mikhail’s pay grade. ”

 

Yuuri’s brow furrowed.  “What can we do with that?”

 

“Cut off the money.  I’m working on that as we speak.  Could use some help, though.  We might be able to defund all of his help if your grandfather can figure out the few men still working with Mikhail.”

 

Akio nodded and turned back to his phone to make the request to the patriarch. Yuuri pulled out his computer and settled in next to Phichit.  It was over an hour’s worth of work to redirect funds from Mikhail’s accounts into a holding tank.  With the information that Akio provided they were able to empty the accounts and cancel the credit of three of the men they confirmed were still with Mikhail.  Finally, Yuuri sighed.  “And now we wait.”

  
  
  


 

 

****** TRIGGER WARNING:  The following scene involves rape and violence. ******

  
  
  


 

 

Victor jumped as he heard the lock turn.  He pushed his slender frame back towards the corner, the ropes digging into his skin as he struggled to avoid the nightmare about to walk into the room.  Looking up as the door open his eyes met Mikhail’s, cold and black.   _ How could I have ever fallen for this man?  Oh, I was young and stupid and starved for any affection, no matter what form it took.  Easily snowed. _

 

Mikhail approached him like a predator stalking its prey.  “My angel is finally awake.  I was sorry that you slept through our reunion, but we’ll make up for it soon.  I brought you something to eat.  You must keep up your strength, now,” he coaxed.

 

Victor shrunk back a moment.  “Are you going to untie me?” he asked in a moment of boldness.

 

He was met with laughter.  “Of course not.” Mikhail ran a finger down one of the lines across Victor’s chest.  “You still have too much fight in you,  _ lyubov moya _ .  Too many bad habits from your little excursion.”

 

The cup before him held a green smoothie that look too thick and sloppily put together.  Victor could feel his stomach turning at the smell remembering how Mikhail would starve him for weeks, convincing him that beauty was gaunt, hollow, and empty.  No wonder he failed in his programs.  He lost too much muscle tone under Mikhail’s ‘care’.  Victor choked down the liquid.  As the cup was withdrawn, he felt a cloth roughly wiping his face.  He then received a drink from a water bottle.  He tried to suck down as much as he could, his thirst demanding. 

He heard the chuckle, and could feel how insidious it was.

 

“See,  _ malysh _ , I take good care of you.”  Reaching for Victor’s hair, Mikhail stared into those blue eyes.  “Now for you to show me your appreciation.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened in fear when he saw the man’s hand move to his pants.  His eyes followed that hand feeling time freeze as that hand slowly unfastened his pants and slid down the zipper.  Releasing his hardening cock, Mikhail shoved it towards Victor’s mouth grabbing his hair once again.  “Open up,  _ kotik _ , show me your gratitude.”

 

Victor clamped his mouth shut and whimpered.  He felt a sharp tug on his hair and fought against his training to comply.   _ I will not give in to him.  He may take from me but I will not give. _  He then felt a strong jerk on the locks and Mikhail’s face was close to his.

 

“You are mine, Vit’enka.  You will submit to me.”

 

Victor shook his head in violent refusal.   _ I am not yours.  I will not submit.  Never again. _

 

The blow came hard against his face, causing his head to snap against the hold on his hair.  Victor was shoved roughly onto the ground, the cold concrete offering no surrender.  He cried out with a scream as he felt the other man’s weight on him, the pain of rough intrusion.  Closing his eyes, he fought to ignore the pain, to disconnect from what was happening to his body, to think about anything but this room this moment. 

 

Hasetsu flowed through his thoughts and the warmth of family and friends, Yuuri’s gentle touches encouraging him.   _ Yuuri…where are you?  What if you can’t find me? _

 

With a grunt, the weight was gone.  He heard the sharp tug of a zipper.  The door closed and the lock snapped on the other side.  He was alone.  Tears fell silently down his cheeks.

 

Shoving the pain to the back of his mind, he began to think.   _ I can’t just wait.  I need to keep fighting. _

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

****** END SCENE ******

  
  
  


 

 

Lev shifted uncomfortably from his rooftop perch to look down at the shed.  The young man’s screams could be heard and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what was happening in that little room.   _ This is not what I signed up for. _  He could see the other men as they patrolled the area from his location.  They were talking to one another in pairs and glancing back towards the building.  He watched them exchange uncomfortable glances.   _ This is not good. _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the math geek in me gave in here. For those who don’t know the Charlie Epps reference, it is from “Numb3rs”, a television series where a mathematician worked for the FBI.
> 
>  
> 
> The Korean War reference was brought up in one of my math classes in college.


	44. Unravel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The men grow restless under Mikhail learning of his disfavor.
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Strong suggestions of rape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, BluSkates and Magrathea, for your help in getting this chapter ready.
> 
> Although short, a lot takes place readers. So get ready.
> 
> I plan (emphasis on the plan) to post 45 in the morning and then 46 tomorrow evening. For those who are waiting, you can breathe a sigh of relief.

* * *

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time.  

 

* * *

 

[ Unravel ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEQf5lcnj_o)

 

**TRIGGER WARNING:  Strong suggestions of rape.**

  
  


Lev knelt by the fire, listening to the conversation Oleg and Sergie were having in hushed tones.  “Why don’t we have more men?” Oleg jabbed at the fire in frustration.

 

“I am thinking something is wrong here.  The Avtoretyet would have better control of this operation.”  Sergie stated quietly.  “Also, I’m not seeing gain beyond personal.  There’s been no ransom sent.”

 

“Did you hear the boy’s screams last night?” Oleg asked.  Both men nodded.  “I didn’t know we were dealing with this shit.”

 

“I’ve roughed up a few men in my time,” Lev stated quietly staring into the fire before him.  “But this…”

 

Sergie sighed glancing at the other two men.  “What do we do?”

 

Lev picked up a stick and drew in the dirt thoughtfully.  “What do Boris and Abram say?”

 

Oleg made a face and rolled his eyes.  “Boris’s exact comment when we first heard the screams was ‘what the fuck!’”

 

The other two men let out a knowing sigh. This job had gone wrong, fast. “Abram is getting antsy.  He thinks we should cut Mikhail loose and hope the family will take us back.”  Sergie lifted his gaze towards the fire, his face drawn.

 

Lev frowned.  “What about the kid?”

 

“What about him?” Oleg shrugged, “He’s not our problem.”

 

Lev’s expression was troubled.  But he agreed.  They needed to cut Mikhail loose.  Nothing good could come of this.

 

* * *

 

 

Screams came from the room once more and the men exchanged knowing glances.  Lev drew up.  This was not what he was about.  He pushed forward, jerking open the door.  The young man was sobbing in pain.  Seeing his boss buried into the boy and pushing further made Lev almost back off and vomit.  “The boy has had enough,” he stated.

 

“Stay out of this.  Get back to your post,” Mikhail demanded, not breaking from the abuse.

 

Lev shook his head taking a step forward.  “Get off the boy!” he shouted.

 

Mikhail ripped himself out of Victor, his motions angry as he put himself back together shoving himself off of the slender form, leaving his prey prone on the floor.  Lev turned away from the sight, backing out of the room.  Mikhail followed him seething.

 

“If you can’t handle this, perhaps you are in the wrong business.”

 

“I don’t rape men, especially ones that are barely adults and half my size.  That’s not in my job description,” he stated.

 

“Yet you will do every other despicable thing.  I’ve known you to steal and murder.  Yet you have a problem with rape.”

 

“The men I’ve killed led just as low a life as I did.  I’ve killed drug dealers, thugs, pimps.  This is a kid, he’s an innocent.  He’s not in this business.” Lev felt himself growing brave and decided to strike where it would motivate the others,  “Where’s the ransom note?  Where’s the money, boss?”

 

“Haven’t you been paid?”

 

“We were promised a cut of the ransom.  From what I can see, there has been no ransom demand even made.  This has every appearance of being personal.”

 

The other men drew close to that statement eager to hear the boss’ reply.

 

Mikhail scoffed.  “Do you think you are the only ones involved in this?  The ransom is being handled by another associate.”

 

The men exchanged uncertain glances but Lev pushed forward.  “I think you’re bluffing.  This has been personal from the start.  You treat him like an old boyfriend you miss beating the hell out of.  It’s old news that you go for men.  What did this boy do?  Did he leave you or something?  Maybe for another pretty boy?”

 

Mikhail snapped.  He reached for his shoulder holster and drew his weapon.  Lev’s eyes widened.  He knew he had pushed too hard.   _ Fuck it! _  If he was going down, he’d make it good.  Lev surged forward at Mikhail, reaching for the gun.  He reached Mikhail, and the two struggled. The other men shifted uncomfortable, not sure who to back in this fight.  The weapon discharged and Lev staggered back, his hand going to the entry wound.  Pulling it up and seeing blood, he murmured, “Maybe the heavens will have mercy on me…for the boy’s sake.”  He slumped to the floor.

 

Mikhail turned towards the others, his eyes wild.  “Anyone else?”  They flinched but didn’t move. “Then get back on watch!”  The men jumped and immediately left the building.  Mikhail grunted.  He wouldn’t have to worry about another rebellion now.

 

He returned to the room to find Victor curled up in the corner, his face pale.  “It’s alright,  _ malysh _ .  I’ve taken care of him.”

 

Victor remained frozen as Mikhail approached him, shock settling in on his features and causing him to shiver.  Victor stared out the open door in the direction of the dead man.  “Yuuri,” he whispered, memories flooding him of Yuuri being shot.  He received a backhanded blow knocking him against the wall.

 

“Forget him!”  Mikhail commanded.  Victor stared in shock as he sank down, dazed before feeling rough hands on him.  As he fell to the floor, he allowed darkness to override.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Phichit sent a file to Yuuri’s laptop.  “By cutting off the money, I’ve been able to feed more data to my friend and using his calculations, we’ve narrowed it down.  He states that there’s a 95% probability he is in one of those three locations.”

 

Yuuri stared at the information Phichit had laid before him.  Three strong possibilities north of Moscow sat in his reach, the furthest possibility would be eight hours away if they drove directly.  They began plotting their course to effectively check each lead.  Yuuri’s eyes kept flicking up towards the target just south of St. Petersburg.  It would be more than ten hours if the other two didn’t pan out.   _ Vitya, hold on.  Stay strong for me.  I’m on my way. _

 

Akio began organizing the men.  “Yuuri-san, Phichit-san, wait here with your other friends.  We’ll bring Victor-san home.”

 

“I’m going,” Yuuri protested, pulling on his coat.

 

“Your grandfather says to keep you out of this,” Akio warned.

 

Yuuri shook his head adamantly and moved about the room, gathering his gear to leave.  “There is no way I can stay behind.  I have to go with you.”

 

Akio’s jaw tightened but he knew Yuuri, had worked with him long enough to see that there was no fighting the stubborn ass.  The young man would go with or without cover.  And he’d rather know where his boss’s grandson was located than not.  “Fine.  But you absolutely must stay behind the lines.  If we have to surge forward, you do not jump ahead.”

 

“Understood,” Yuuri agreed.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor came to as his ropes were being tugged and checked.  He moved his body as slightly as possible, to keep Mikhail from seeing he had woken. Focusing he squeezed his shoulders in to give the sense of loose ropes.  He heard a groan of annoyance and the ropes were untied to rework the bounds. Victor inhaled deeply to spread his chest and shoulder out as much as he could, remembering this time to keep just enough tension in his shoulders to make the ropes appear tight.  Mikhail knotted the nylon cords and grunted in satisfaction.

 

Victor turned his head sideways and watched Mikhail leave the room.  He could see the body on the floor beyond the room with blood pooling around it.  _ He fought for me…and in the end, he died.  I can’t rely on others to get me out of this.  This is my fight. _

 

Mikhail closed the door, locking it behind him.  Victor relaxed his shoulders and felt the binds loosen.  He would only get one chance.  He began plotting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once 46 goes up, it might be a few days for 47. Fair warning. 
> 
> I am trying to do some work on my other two stories. 
> 
> *refills the chocolate, replaces tissue boxes, and brings out a stack of freshly laundered fuzzy blankets scented with lavender*


	45. Safe and Sound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Escape...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been ripped apart and put back together so many times and I want to thank BluSkates and Magrathea for the patience, time, reading, rereading, editing, and reediting. But we had to get it right.
> 
> There is a lot of action taking place here...so buckle your seatbelts, readers!

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time. 

 

* * *

 

 

[ Safe and Sound ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fclJMBEGSfI)

 

Mikhail traced the perimeter looking for his men, finding only deserted fire pits.  “Boris!  Oleg!  Why aren’t you on post?” he called out, growling when he got no response.  Frowning, he moved back into the building.  “You already stink, Lev!  Why did you have to get stupid?”  He kicked at the body and laughed as the mass slumped awkwardly from the impact.  He moved towards the ladder that would take him to the roof, and climbing up was able to survey the surroundings.  Narrowing his eyes, he looked around seeing no signs of life.  He knew his men had abandoned their posts, and left him unprotected.  Tightening his jaw, he furrowed his brow.  “Fuck’em.”

 

The Russian climbed back down the ladder and considered his situation.  Those miserable fucks could take off, he was a blood relative to the Pahkan.  He reached for his phone and dialed his outside associate.  As long as his smoke screen was in place, it didn’t matter if he had men or not.  He didn’t need them to control Vitya.  His little boy would learn to submit nicely, and then he’d move him back to St. Petersburg.  Then he would start thinking of how to ‘reward’ the disloyalty of his men.  The call went to voicemail.  “Arial!  Where the hell are you?  What’s going on?”

 

Disconnecting, he rubbed his chin feeling his panic start to build.  Turning towards the shed, he growled.  He clanged the lock trying to undo them quickly.  He needed to move him.

 

* * *

  


Victor heard the disturbance outside the room and knew Mikhail’s ticks.  He was coming undone.  Victor knew it was now or never.  He remembered Mari’s words.   _When you fight dirty, you have to use what you have available to you._  Slipping out of the ropes, he tied both ends low on the support posts.  He then crouched behind the door and waited.

 

The rattling of the chain told him that his time to fight was near.  Readying his movements and focusing his thoughts, he bunched up his muscles and prepared to launch.   _Fight only to get away.  The key is to escape._  The door jerked open and Mikhail rushed in, his foot catching on the trip line causing him to fall heavily to the concrete floor.  “What the fuck?” he cried out in confusion.

 

Victor didn’t hesitate.  Within a moment of Mikhail hitting the floor he was out the door, slamming it shut and fastening the lock back in place.  Mikhail was a big man, though, so he didn’t know how long it would hold.  He looked around at his options.  On the floor lay Lev, Victor could smell the stink of death, but more importantly, he also spotted in the dead man’s pocket with a bulge that could indicate a phone.  Fishing it out, he whispered squeamishly, “I’m sorry.”  He glanced back toward the shed hearing the angry voice.

 

Victor ran from the building, jumping off trail almost immediately to make it more difficult for Mikhail to track him.  He wouldn’t last long out here.  A lack of clothes and the November temperatures would give him a narrow window to find shelter.  He kept the edge of the road in sight, moving parallel with it, but remained far enough away to travel unseen.  His feet hurt, the stiff winter straw cutting into them.  Briars, hardened for the cold, tore at his skin.  He pressed forward.  The sun was high and in his favor.  He needed to get to shelter before the temperatures started dropping again.

 

He spotted a hunting cabin.  Would Mikhail know about this?  He had to take a chance and hope that he could move on before Mikhail caught up.  Opening the door cautiously, he found no signs of life.  He entered it and began to dig around, looking for supplies.  It became clear no one had been there for half a century.  A cupboard revealed some very old clothes, ragged but serviceable.  Victor pulled them onto his smaller frame and found a rope to hold the pants in place.  A pair of boots sat in the corner.  Digging inside, he found wool socks.  If he found a coat, he’d be set.

 

On a peg near the door hung a cloak made from fur.   _Close enough_ .  He left the cabin and continued to push south.  Pulling out the phone, he worked on unlocking it.   The third passcode worked.   _Idiot!  Who uses 6789 as a passcode._  With the phone open, he worked on removing the encryption.   _Yuuri, I hope you can see me._  He turned on location services and took his picture sending it to Yuuri via Twitter and Instagram knowing that both apps would tag his location.

 

A rustle in the brush caused Victor to freeze.  He turned towards the sound.  Seeing nothing, he pressed on just in case.

 

* * *

  


Yuuri’s eyes widened at the notification.  “It’s Victor!”

 

“What? How?!”

 

“I don’t know.  He’s alive.  The picture has location services on.  H-he is south of the third location!”

 

“We aren’t far now.  Maybe an hour tops.”

 

“Can you make that quicker?”

 

“I’ll do my best, boss,” Takeo promised pressing down on the pedal.  Akio was on the wire communicating with the other two SUV’s.

 

Yuuri tapped the window impatiently.

  


* * *

 

 

Victor noticed the rustle once more.  Thinning his lips, he continued to press forward, frequently checking behind him.  Then he saw him.  Victor’s eyes widened in panic and he turned to run, a scream slipping free before he could cover his mouth.  Mikhail shouted, driving towards him as fast as he could on foot.  Victor turned and dashed towards the road.  He spotted vehicles approaching and ran towards them, waving his arms frantically.  Mikhail was right behind him.

 

He heard the gunfire discharge but kept running towards the approaching SUVs.  Two more shots fired as the truck cut its wheels around Victor offering a shield.  The door opened and Victor was scooped inside by two sets of strong hands.  He dropped down in the floor, shaking and crying.  The driver of the SUV backed out sharply, wheels screaming and shooting up loose gravel.  Words were being shouted back and forth in Japanese over the wire.  The vehicle fell behind the others that arrived and took the lead.  Victor could hear an exchange of gunfire from his crouched position.

 

A familiar hand touched his hair.  He looked up and recognized Kimiko.  “You’re safe now,” she reassured him.  He started to breath again, keeping his eyes locked on the kind face above him.  There were more shouts and Victor could tell people had left one of the SUVs and was approaching the one he hid in.  Then the door opened and Yuuri stood before him.  Victor lunged immediately into his arms, crying heavily.

 

“It’s okay.  I’ve got you, Vitya.  You’re safe now.” Victor could hear Yuuri’s voice choking into sobs.

 

Victor followed Yuuri out of the SUV and his eyes widened when he spotted Mikhail being handed into another SUV.  Yuuri’s arm around his waist guided him back to the third SUV.  “They will take care of that matter.  Let’s make sure you’re okay.”  Yuuri settled the shaken man into a seat and climbed in beside him.  “Azumi, take us to the hospital.”

 

“Right away, Yuuri-san.”

 

Victor slumped against Yuuri, the last of his strength spent.

 

* * *

  


Akio and Takeo pulled off from the other two SUVs at the main road turning south.  They had orders to turn Mikhail over to the Moscow syndicate.  Nine hours later, they reached the city boundary.  Akio sighed, it had been a horrible drive. Occasionally the ‘package’ would wake up, begin to protest, and have to be knocked out again. He was a constant reminder of their failure, and the damage that he left behind. The lead of security had driven the last four hours after a quick stop to gas up and grab snacks.

 

“Remind me to put in for holiday time when we get home,” he muttered.

 

Takeo laughed.  “Like you can leave Yuuri-san unprotected that long.”

 

“You and Kimiko are just as attached to the kid.  ‘Watch out for the boss’ grandson and keep him out of the business.’  Seemed like simple instructions, almost a boring job…for a while.  He was the innocent one.”

 

Takeo tilted his head and shrugged.  “He still is in many ways.  Blissfully unaware of the inn’s role as a front operation.  He has a big heart and everyone invested in keeping him out of this.”

 

“He was pretty willing to cross over for Victor-san.  I worry about how he’s going to handle the boy’s recovery,” Akio murmured with a frown.

 

Takeo sighed.  Sometimes he wasn’t cut out for this business.  “Me, too.  Yuuri-san’s heart is on his sleeve when it comes to Victor-san.”

 

“Mari-san called while you were driving.  She’s demanding blood.  I know she’s not happy about us handing him over. She wanted this execution handled in house.”

 

“Honestly, we could all take a bit of this scum and feel no remorse.  Victor-san is my principal.  Kimiko and I are going to have to answer for our failure. But I’m not half as scared of facing Katsuki-soma as I am of seeing that poor boy.  I would feel better if we at least neutralized this bastard.”

 

Aiko let the silence settle for a moment.  “Do you think you’ll be reassigned?” He frowned.

 

Shrugging, Takeo shoved his hand through his hair.  “I don’t know.  Kimiko will fight a reassignment.  You should have seen her in the field.  I had to hold her back in some of her interrogations.”

 

“We need to find out about his associates and tie up loose ends,” Akio added.

 

“Victor-san will be here a while during recovery.  Perhaps we can do a little field work,” the suggestion bringing a bitter smile to Takeo’s lips.

 

Akio frowned, a warning slipping from his lips.  “If the men go back under their old Pakhan and we go after them without clearance, we’ll have to answer to Katsuki-soma.”

 

“Only if we get caught,” Takeo pointed out. “Bad things happen to bad people.”

 

Following the directions provided from their connection, they pulled into a warehouse on the west side of town.  They were quickly surrounded.  Akio remained still, hands on the wheel and awaiting orders.  He was motioned to lower the window.

 

“You brought us our guest?”

 

“As requested,” Akio replied.

 

“Let us see,” demanded the Russian.

 

Akio made eye contact with the man at the door, and slowly reached down to the door console to release the catch on the back door.  He could hear the assault rifles preparing behind him.  He allowed himself an uncustomary smirk as he heard Mikhail’s protests while the man was dragged out of the back. The door was closed and he received a tap on his hood.

 

“We are finished now,” the Russian stated.

 

“Can we be assured that this problem will be dealt with permanently?” Akio asked, with raised eyebrows.

 

The Russian lifted his firearm.  “The Pakhan is a big fan of Russian figure skating.  He is taking this quite personally.”

 

Akio nodded and continued to drive forward out the opposite side of the warehouse.  The matter was no longer their problem.

 

* * *

 

 

***** TRIGGER WARNING:  Clinical Exam of Rape Below *****

 

Yuuri’s eyes glanced around the clinical setting staying close to Victor.  An orderly brought a hospital gown for Victor to change into.  Victor held onto the fabric uncertainly then looked up at Yuuri.  The Japanese man helped guide the ragged, borrowed clothes off of him.  “Akio will bring your other clothes tomorrow.”  Sliding on the soft cotton fabric, he snapped the closure behind him.  Victor shivered at the draft.  Yuuri gently wrapped him in the sheet.

 

Another nurse entered.  “Mr. Nikiforov?  The doctor will be with you shortly.  I am Irena, the attending nurse for this floor.”  Turning to Yuuri, she added, “Sir, we’ll need you to leave during the exam.”

 

Both men reacted.  Victor grabbed hold of Yuuri’s hand, tightening with a soft whimper.  Yuuri wrapping his free arm around Victor’s shoulder pulling him in protectively.  “Are you sure I have to leave?”

 

The doctor entered on the tail end of that question.  Her expression softened from the strict professional hardness she usually maintained.  “Mr. Katsuki, right?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  

 

“I am Dr. Romanova and I want to assure you that I will take the best of care of Mr. Nikiforov with due sensitivity.”  Guiding Yuuri towards the door, she lowered her voice.  “I have found that in this type of situation that patients are more forthcoming when their loved ones are not standing nearby.  I need for him to be able to talk freely so that I can more accurately determine the damage to his body.  Nurse Irena will take you to a nearby waiting area and will retrieve you as soon as the exam is complete.”

 

“He’s scared,” Yuuri murmured.

 

“I know.  I completely understand.  I...am the one they call for these kinds of exams.  Trust me to take care of him and to be as gentle as possible.”

 

Yuuri reluctantly nodded.   Returning to Victor’s side, he could see Irena talking gently to him as she took his vitals.  “Vitya, I’m going to be very close by in a waiting room.  Dr. Romanova will watch over you and keep you safe.”

 

“Do you have to go?” he asked, his blue eyes shimmering with emotion.

 

“I want to stay by your side but I know you will try to protect me.”  He gently ran his hand over Victor’s cheek.  “I am going to leave so that you can speak freely to the doctor without worrying about me.  But I won’t be far, _anata_.  Just down the hall.  Nurse Irena will come get me as soon as possible.  Okay?” Yuuri watched as Victor slowly nodded.  Giving his hand another squeeze, he allowed Irena to lead him out and down to a nearby waiting room.  She brought him a cup of coffee.

 

“It’s crap,” she warned him, “but it gives you something to occupy your hands.”

 

“Thank you,” he answered, sighing shakily.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor watched the doctor pull on a pair of latex gloves and looked over the items the nurse laid out on the table.  When Irena returned, the doctor approached him cautiously.  “I am Dr. Romanova.  Do I have your permission to do a forensic examination?”

 

Victor’s eyes grew wide.  “W-why?”

 

Romanova spoke softly, her voice calming, “It will allow us to gather the evidence needed should you decide to report this incident to the police,” she explained.

 

Victor looked uncertain.  “I don’t think I want to do that.  I just...want to put this behind me.  Can we just treat my injuries?”

 

The doctor sighed but nodded.  “Of course.  This is your body and it’s your choice.  I do have to ask some difficult questions to ascertain your health and recovery.”

 

Victor’s face looked tormented, his lips downturned as he drew in his shoulders.  He nodded slowly.

 

“I want to assure you.  You are safe now.  I need to gather a history of this event, though, in order to help you properly.  Okay?”  Romanova thinned her lips, her expression gentle.  She watched him nod slowly.  She hated these cases.  They followed her home.  But the hospital always called her when one came in because she was the best at putting the patients at ease.  “Can you tell me when the assault occurred?”

 

Victor blinked.  “Not...all of them.  Sometimes, I was unconscious.  I woke up and could feel what he did to me.”

 

She wrote down ‘ _Patient admits to not being conscious during part of the rapes_.’

 

Victor continued hesitantly.  “I think he took me f-four days ago.  I was...I just won the Rostelecom Cup in Moscow.  But, I was knocked out...and I think drugged.  There was light when I woke up.  I think it might have been midday.  I was naked, tied up, and I hurt...inside.  I knew he had raped me while I was out.”  His breathing hitched.  “The n-next time, I was awake.  That evening.  I hadn’t been awake long.  But I was lightheaded.  No food.  He forced me to drink a smoothie and I managed to get some water in me.  I couldn’t fight.  There were ropes.”  He closed his eyes remembering the next day.  “The third time he was interrupted by one of the others.  He pulled off of me.  When he came back, he knocked me out but I came to right after he finished.  I knew then I needed to find a way to escape.  My head seemed to clear up a little.”

 

“Were condoms used during any of the assaults?”

 

Victor shook his head, drawing his shoulders inward even more.  “Not the times I was awake for.  I doubt during the others.  I knew him.  He was my exboyfriend.  He didn’t believe in condom use,” he finished bitterly.

 

“Okay Victor, I have to ask a really hard question.  I want you to know you are safe here.” She paused and watched his body language before proceeding.  “When he raped you, did he penetrate you?”

 

She watched Victor’s eyes widen and he slowly nodded.  “Every time.  No lubricant.  It hurt.  I felt pain after on the ones I were knocked out, during on the ones I was awake.”

 

She nodded soberly.  “Did he force anything else on you?”

 

“He t-tried to make me open my mouth b-but I didn’t comply.”  He watched her with wide eyes, tears swimming in the depths.

 

She forced herself to remain calm and offered him a look of reassurance.  “Victor, I know this is difficult, but I need to perform an internal exam to see what damage has been done.”

 

Victor broke down, pulling his knees to his chest.  “Please...do I have to?”  His voice was small.

 

The doctor sighed.  “We will start with the external.  I also need to asses the damage to your body overall.  I am going to also take blood work.  We will go as slowly as you need, and I’m going to explain everything at every step. You’re in charge.”

 

He slowly relaxed.  He forced himself to stare straight ahead as she began the exam, talking to him gently with each touch, every motion.  When she turned him over for the internal exam, he bit his cheek but couldn’t stop the whimper that came out.  

 

Doctor’s Notes:  

 

  * __A single acute tear, multiple acute fissures and abrasions.__


  * __Blood panel run to text for possible STI.__


  * _Prognosis, 4-6 weeks to heal with proper care._


  * _Recommended treatment: 10-20 minute sitz baths ever 2-4 hours while awake, gentle cleansing of anal area, petroleum jelly to lubricate the area, stool softeners and a high fiber diet to prevent constipation.  Patient is to abstain from anal sex while healing, avoid straining and prolonged sitting on toilet._


  * _Prescribing medicated cream to heal the fissures and help with pain as well as calcium channel blocker ointment to relax the muscles and increase blood flow which will promote healing._


  * _Prescribing 28 day course[Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP)](https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/hiv-prevention/using-hiv-medication-to-reduce-risk/post-exposure-prophylaxis) as a preventative for possible HIV exposure._


  * _Patient dehydrated.  Prescribing two units of fluids intravenously before release.  Bland diet for the next 24 hours._


  * _Keep patient over two nights for observation._


  * _Referral to psychiatric services._



 

 

***** End Scene*****

 

* * *

 

NOTE:

 

For those who read my [ Lifeline ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10333895/chapters/22843178) series, you know that I’m a strong advocate for getting help.  Making a police report on rape is a personal decision and many do not for various reasons. _I chose not to have Victor report simply because the situation was being dealt with and legal entanglements would make things more complicated._  However, medical and psychological care help the survivor to move forward.  A strong support system of friends and family also help the survivor to move forward.  The resources below both discuss steps and available resources for the survivor and also talk about the roles of their loved ones.  

 

Resources:

 

[ When a Man is Raped: A Survival Guide ](http://www.victimsservices.justice.nsw.gov.au/sexualassault/Documents/guide_when-a-man-is-raped.pdf)

Information for men who have been raped and their partners, spouses, parents, and friends.

 

[ When Men are Raped ](https://www.odh.ohio.gov/~/media/odh/assets/files/hprr/sexual%20assult/appendix182011.ashx)

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter...there will be some warm fuzzy scenes...I promise. 
> 
> Chapter 46 posts tonight and then a short break while I do some work on my other stories. I will be writing through Victor's and Yuuri's recovery.
> 
> Also...I'm not a nurse or a doctor. So please don't rake me over the coals with the medical exam. I researched this using the internet.


	46. Let me Hold You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the arms of the ones that love him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for this intense journey, BluSkates and Magrathea. Your edits and suggestions helped me to push through this.
> 
> I want to give a shout out to the health care workers. I know it can't be easy especially when faced with trauma. So thank you for giving of yourself.
> 
> And bunnies...

* * *

 

 

[PLAYLIST](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqQR2rKU30kISKzwwMFrwhk2nT4AQ0ThY) 

 

This is for the entire work although I'll pull up individual links as needed.  Each chapter is tied to a song.  It's a work in progress so the playlist will change from time to time

 

* * *

 

[ Let Me Hold You ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwSq17kZvyo)

 

Yuuri followed Victor to the room where he would stay for the next two nights.  The orderly assisted Victor from the wheelchair and Victor sat on the edge of the bed.  “Can Yuuri stay with me?” he asked.

 

“Spouses, partners, and parents are permitted to stay overnight,” the orderly explained as he settled Victor into bed.

 

Victor drew a deep breath.  “Yuuri is my partner.  I need him here with me.”

 

“I’ll inform the floor nurse, just say something when the next set starts their of rounds.”

 

Yuuri and Viktor remained in a settled silence as they waited for the nurse to arrive.  “Good evening.  I am Dina,  the nurse attending you this evening.”  She lifted the chart and read the notes, her expression softening.  “Is your friend visiting for the evening?”

 

“I’d like for him to stay.  He is my partner,” Victor requested anxiously.

 

She nodded.  “We have a strict policy not to ask because of certain legalities but your  _ friend  _ may stay if you wish.  I see they want you to take in a bag of fluids.  I’ll be by soon with your meds and the IV.  If you plan to shower, you might want to do so before we hook you up.  I’ll be back around in about an hour but if you need anyone, press this button.”  She demonstrated the call device.  “And these buttons help you to adjust the bed.  Do you need a meal sent up?”

 

Victor dropped his eyes but Yuuri nodded.  “I’m not sure when he ate last but I’m certain he needs to get some nutrients in his system.”

 

“It says on the chart that you’ve mainly only been given liquids...and suggests a bland diet at first to allow your stomach to re-acclimate to solids.”  She produced a menu, handing it to Yuuri.  “Have this ready when I return and I’ll send it through.  Don’t worry, Mr. Nikiforov.  We’ll take good care of you.”

 

After the nurse left, Victor shifted uncomfortably, his eyes darting around.  “Y-yuuchan?  Will you...will you help me shower?”

 

“Of course,” Yuuri stated without hesitation.  He first went to the door and closed it and stepped into the bathroom, adjusting the water and setting everything in reach.  Returning to Victor’s side, he guided the younger man into the tiled room and helped him out of the two hospital gowns, tossing them into the laundry bin.  He could see the scrapes and cuts on Victor’s legs and feet.  That was to be expected, but what startled Yuuri were the small tremors that shook parts of the younger man’s body, almost without pattern.  His hands would shake, then a muscle in his back would jump, followed by a twitch on only one shoulder.  Yuuri undressed quickly and laid his clothes to the side so that he could reach in and help Victor as needed.

 

Victor stood for a long time under the spray of water allowing it to permeate his skin, his eyes closed.  Blinking, he looked at Yuuri who stood to the side watching him.  “Everything hurts.  Now that I’ve gotten still and am no longer running, everything hurts.”

 

Yuuri knew that soon the adrenaline and shock would wear off, leaving Victor to finally feel the pains that were wracking his body.  “Do you want me to wash you?” Yuuri asked gently.

 

Victor nodded, “Please, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri stepped in behind him and took the soap first, carefully gliding it over the surface of his skin.  “If anything makes you feel uncomfortable, tell me to stop, anata.  I just want to take care of you.”

 

Victor nodded biting his lip.  “I’m just...trying not to think about it.  I keep telling myself ‘I’m safe, I’m with Yuuri’.”

 

“You are safe,” Yuuri reiterated, gently lifting Victor’s arm and washing beneath it.  He moved to the other arm and soon everything above the waist was clean except his hair.  “Do you want me to continue?”

 

Victor nodded slowly.  “I think...if it’s you...I think I’ll be okay.”

 

“If not, tell me to stop,” Yuuri reminded Victor.  He took the soap and cleaned his legs next.  Victor breathed through it staring at the tile.  He moved up and cautiously began to work around his pelvic area.  Victor’s breathing stuttered, and started to jerk.  “Vitya.  Are you okay?” Yuuri asked, removing his hands. 

 

“Y-yes?” Victor replied, his eyes blinking rapidly.  

 

Yuuri stepped back and waited for him to settle down.  “Here,” he murmured, handing him the soap.  “Why don’t I let you do that part and I’ll help with your hair?”

 

Victor nodded slowly, taking the soap with a shaky hand.  He finished soaping his nether regions before handing the soap back to Yuuri.  Turning, he rinsed under the spray.  Dipping his head under the water, he welcomed Yuuri’s gentle hands in his hair with the shampoo/conditioner.  “I wish I had my own,” he muttered after a moment.

 

“This will do for now but Akio will stop by our rooms and pack for us.  So our things should be here by tomorrow.  I told him to sleep in Moscow for tonight.  He’ll be exhausted.”  The steady words kept Victor occupied while Yuuri finished rinsing his hair.  Reaching for a towel, Yuuri dried the silver hair and moved to his torso, passing it to Victor to finish.  He then reached for a towel to dry himself off.

 

Victor stepped out and reached onto the shelf for another hospital gown.  “Do you think they’ll mind if I wear two?  I really don’t like my ass showing.”  The words were meant to sound cheeky but Yuuri could hear the tremor of fear in them. 

 

“I’m sure it will be fine.  Let’s get you dressed and in bed.”

 

Back in the room, Yuuri looked for something to brush Victor’s hair.  Finally, he pushed the call button.  A nurse’s aide popped in.  “Can I help you?”

 

“I hate to bother you but we are here without any personal items.  Is there anyway I can get a comb or a brush?” Yuuri asked.

 

“It’s not a bother at all.  That’s why I’m here.  I’ll bring you a personal care pack and it should have those things.  Do you need water while I’m at it?”

 

Yuuri looked at the small pitcher beside the bed and then nodded.  “Yes, please.”  

 

She left and came back minutes later.  “If you need anything else, let me know.”

 

After she left, Yuuri sat down on the bed and Victor turned to sit in front of him.  Starting at the bottom, he lifted some strands and began to work through the first set of tangles, using his grip to keep Viktor from feeling the tug.  Victor stared at the wall, his eyes unfocused.  Then he started to talk.  “He grabbed me by my hair.”  Yuuri paused a moment, listening.  “H-he would do that before.  To make me listen, to behave, to force me to do what he wanted.  I-I don’t know why...but something about it makes me comply.  I can’t help it.”

 

“Do you want me to stop?” Yuuri asked.

 

Victor shook his head slowly.  “No.  I like when you comb my hair.  You don’t use it to hurt me.”  

 

Yuuri resumed combing out the hair slowly, taking extra care when working on the tangles.  

 

“I was just starting to feel normal, Yuuri.  Strong.  Now I have to start all over.”  He sighed deeply.  “Do you think I’ll be able to skate in the Final?”

 

“I-I don’t know, Vitya.  Is that what you want?” Yuuri asked, his hand slowing down as he frowned. Yuuri understood the reality of what Victor was asking, the physical recovery alone would be tremendous, he worried that the younger man’s psychological recovery would suffer more.

 

“If I can, I would like to try.  It...is normal.”

 

“We’ll talk with the doctors and see what they say.  I don’t want you to injure yourself further.”

 

“Yakov would say the same.  He may try and ban me.  He’s still listed as my coach.”

 

“I’m going to have to listen to Yakov’s experience on this, Vitya.  I hope you understand.”

 

Victor huffed in frustration.  “I do understand.  It doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

 

“Do you want me to braid it?” Yuuri asked, hoping to distract Viktor from darker thoughts.

 

“Please,” Victor murmured.  He stared at the pillow as he felt the hand over hand motion of the braid going into place, he could feel Yuuri making the braid deliberately loose.  He then felt Yuuri reach around him.

 

“Here, hold this while I find a rubber band or something,” he said while placing the end of the braid in Victor’s hand.  Looking through the drawers, he returned with triumph.  “Here we go.”  He took the braid back and tied it off.  Guiding Victor around, he settled the younger man back in his bed and pulled the covers over the frame. Frowning, he wished for the fuzzy blanket back in their hotel room to comfort Victor.  He hadn’t seen his love look this small before.

 

“Everything hurts,” Victor said again.  “I think they gave me something for pain.  I’m so very tired, though.”

 

“The nurse will be here soon with the rest of your medicine.  Then you can rest, Vitya.”

 

“Stay with me,” he whispered, his voice barely registering, reaching a pale hand out of the sheets.

 

Yuuri threaded his hand into Victor’s and gave it a reassuring squeeze.  He watched Victor fade into sleep blinking back the tears that he held at bay during the entire evening.  With his free hand, he smoothed the silver strands that had already freed themselves from the braid.  “My Vitya, I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor woke up less than an hour later when Nurse Dina showed up with his medicine.  “Oh, Mr. Nikiforov.  I didn’t mean to wake you.  Let’s get you fixed up and some food in you, though.”  She hummed a familiar tune and Victor realized that it was  [ The Cossack Lullaby ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUi8We2gs7k) .

 

With a smile touching his lips, he murmured, “My mother would sing that.  I haven’t heard it in a long time.”

 

“Many mothers sing it to their children.  I sing it to my own,” she answered warmly connecting the IV.  “You are doing well,” she continued.  “Now, do you think you can eat something?  They like to know you are eating well before they even consider releasing you.”

 

“Dr. Romanova said I’m here for two days,” Victor frowned.

 

The nurse scoffed.  “She’ll make it longer if you don’t take care of yourself.  Now, eat.”  Her words brought a smile to Victor as he remembered Mama Hiroko.  She placed the covered dish before the man.

 

Victor opened up to find a potato soup with carrots and celery in a chicken based broth.  Beside it sat a bowl of brown rice and a cup of blackberries.  Two graham crackers were packaged.  “I can’t eat all of this.  Do you want to help me, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri smiled indulgently.  “Let’s see what you do manage to eat first.  I can always send for something.  Kimiko is just a phone call away.”

 

Victor frowned doubtfully.  “Are you sure?”

 

“My dear Vitya, I will be fine.  But you haven’t eaten much over the last few days.  Let’s see if we can rebuild your strength.”  Yuuri watched the frown form on Victor’s face as he stared at the tray in front of him.  Sighing, the brunette added, “You have to take care of yourself to get back on the ice.”

 

Victor nodded and started to eat the food before him.  He picked through the soup but managed to eat about half of the broth softened potatoes and carrots.  He also had some of the rice.  He did, however, eat all of the berries and the crackers.  Laying his napkin down, he pushed the tray away.  “I think that’s all I can handle.”

 

The nurse returned to remove his tray.  “Dr. Romanova would like you to use the sitz bath at least four times a day.  You can go as often as every two hours.  About a ten minute session.  Do you think you could handle that right now?”

 

Victor looked at Yuuri for a moment before he asked, “Can Yuuri keep me company?”

 

The nurse frowned thoughtfully at the request.  “Well, it’s not typically done but I can’t think of anything restricting it.”

 

She led them down to the small room at the end of the hall and showed them how to use the apparatus.  With the water, running, Victor settled down with both of their help making a face of discomfort.  “Are you hurting?” Yuuri asked.

 

“No,” Victor winced.  “It’s just...weird.”

 

Yuuri tilted his head thoughtfully.  “It kind of reminds me of a bidet.  That’s not so weird.”

 

“Yuuri…” Victor stated in exasperation.  “There is nothing normal about this.  And it’s a little different from a bidet.”

 

Yuuri frowned.  “If it makes you better…”

 

“I know.  It doesn’t mean I have to like it,” he stated, exasperation flowing through his words.  “I have to do this for a while, too.  How am I going to do that?”

 

“Perhaps there is a home version.  We’ll ask before we leave,” Yuuri suggested.

 

Victor covered his face, “This is going to lead to a lifetime of embarrassment.”  He felt Yuuri pull his hands from his face and smile encouraging.

 

“Would you like it if I did it as well?” he offered eyebrows raised and a warm smile.

 

Victor laughed.  “No, that’s just silly.”  Sighing, he glanced at the clock above the door.  “Times almost up.”  As the second hand wrapped up, Yuuri helped Victor put himself back together.  With IV in tow, they trekked back to Victor’s room where Yuuri settled him back into bed, pulling the covers up.

 

Victor curled up on his side so that he could see Yuuri.  The Japanese man offered reassuring words and smiles as he smoothed out Victor’s hair.  Yuuri was trying to be strong but Victor could see the guilt in the back of his eyes.  He closed his eyes slowly then opened them again.  “Thank you, Yuuri, for finding me.” Victor’s voice was so small.

 

“I just hate that…I never should have lost you,” Yuuri admitted, his face falling.

 

Victor reached out towards Yuuri and the other man looked up and took the offered hand.  “You can’t think like that.  You are only responsible for your actions.”

 

“I was supposed to protect you,” Yuuri protested. “What he put you through…”

 

Victor sighed.  “I always knew it was an impossible task.  But maybe now we can move forward.”

 

Yuuri squeezed his hand.  “I never want you to know pain again.”

 

Victor smiled weakly, “We shall see.  Grandfather says pain makes us strong.  I hope so.  For now I’m trying to let go of what happened.  I want to move forward.”

 

“I’m here for you however you need me.”

 

Victor smiled.  With a sigh, he allowed his eyes to drift shut, sleep to wash over him once more.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
  


Victor went through the sitz bath therapy twice the next morning, each time with Yuuri walking him down.  The nurses let them work through this part alone as they seemed to have it well in hand after the initial lesson and it freed them to tend to their other duties.  Dr. Romanova stopped in to do a quick wellness check.  After leaving updated instructions, she promised to stop by the next morning to determine whether or not he would be released.

 

Victor sighed and made a face when she exited.  Yuuri gave him a reproving glance.  “Sorry, Yuuri.  I’m just...I don’t like being in the hospital.  It makes me think...of so many bad memories.”

 

“I’m sorry, Vitya.  I just want to take care of you the best way possible.  Will you indulge me in this?” Yuuri cajoled.

 

Victor smiled weakly but nodded in agreement.

 

A knock on the door drew their attention.  Victor smiled as Phichit, Chris, and Lawrie stole their way in.  “Shhh,” said Phichit, finger over his lips.  “We aren’t supposed to be here.  But we wanted to see you before we caught our flights.”

 

“So you’re leaving?” Yuuri asked.

 

The men nodded.  “We fly out this evening.  But we’ll come again in a heartbeat if either of you need us,” Chris stated warmly.

 

Lawrie bent over Victor, taking hold of his hands.  “You have some struggles ahead of you.  I’m here if you need to talk.  You can call me anytime day or night.  If I’m in a class or have a client, I’ll return your call as soon as I’m free.”

 

Victor nodded, squeezing his hands in return.  “Yuuri’s been contacted by my therapist, Dr. Hashimoto, since the news reported my recovery.  Apparently both he and Sasaki-sensei were watching the story unfold.”

 

Lawrie knitted his brow in worry, he could see the younger man was holding a lot inside.  “Just accept the help that’s offered.  You’ve been through a lot.  There will be aftershocks.”

 

“Thank you, Lawrie.  At least I’ll know…that it’s normal.”  Victor chewed his lip, though, revealing he was still uncertain.

 

“Absolutely.  Take care of yourself.”  Looking up at Yuuri, he scruffed the brunette’s hair adding, “Both of you!”

 

They snuck out before the nursing staff caught them in the room before visiting hours.  Akio was permitted to bring them some of their things and Yuuri was elated to see the guard had thought to bring the fuzzy blanket.  Eagerly spreading it over Viktor’s form, Yuuri then cleaned up in the bathroom.  He promised to help Victor in the shower later.

 

A commotion in the hallway drew their attention and they heard a firm and familiar voice stating that he would see Vitya first before ‘deciding if you hounds will be allowed in!’  The door opened to admit Yakov, who looked like he had aged over the last four days.  Victor didn’t know quite what to say.

 

Yakov stepped before him and stared at the boy in the bed for a moment before bending down and wrapping his arms around him.  A sob broke through as he stuttered, “My boy.  My beautiful boy.  You’re safe now.”  Victor could feel his tears break loose.  Yakov held onto him for the longest time as if afraid to let go, like Victor might disappear if he did.  When he did release him, he took hold of Victor’s hands.  “Did he hurt you?”

 

“I…” Victor darted his eyes to Yuuri before dropping his chin.  “I’d rather not say.”

 

Yuuri placed a comforting hand on Yakov.  The old man met the younger man’s eyes with his stormy gray ones, brown eyes speaking volumes.  “Perhaps we can talk while his friends are visiting.”  Yuuri nodded.  Yakov turned back to the small figure in the hospital bed.  “Do you feel like you can see them?  They are very eager to see you, Vitya.”

 

Victor took a deep breath and nodded.  Yakov walked over to the door and opened it, and half a dozen skaters fell into the room.  Victor eyes brightened and soon was surrounded by the throng while Yakov signaled Yuuri to follow him into the hall.

 

“What do you know?” Yakov demanded.

 

“He’s not talking very much about it.  He did allow Dr. Romanova to do a thorough exam.  He has some damage.  The doctor shared it with me as both Victor and I hold medical powers-of-attorney for each other.”  Yuuri tightened his jaw.  “Do you want details, Coach Feltsman?”

 

The old man sighed and nodded.  “I don’t, but I need to know.  As his coach...and as his guardian.”

 

Yuuri thinned his lips.  “He was raped...more than once.  There is tissue damage.  Anal fissures, abrasions and one tear.  The notes say it will take four to six weeks to heal.”

 

Yuuri watched the older man’s face as he talked, seeing the wrinkles set deeper, the skin grow paler.  Yakov was biting the inside of his cheek to keep the tears at bay.  His large gruff hand covered his mouth but Yuuri heard the  _ ‘fuck’  _ under the old man’s breath.  Yuuri remained silent, giving the coach a chance to collect himself.  Finally Yakov spoke, “How’s he taking it?”

 

Yuuri knew instantly he was talking about skating.  “He doesn’t know yet.  He keeps telling me he wants to skate in the Final.”

 

Yakov shook his head adamantly.  “You know he can’t.  Tell me you aren’t making those kinds of promises.”

 

Yuuri sighed in resignation spreading his hands out before him.  “I told him we need to wait and see what the doctor tells us.  So...I’ve been putting him off.”

 

The coach narrowed his eyes thoughtfully.  “Four to six weeks.  That’s going to put a stop to the Final  _ and  _ Nationals.”

 

“He’s worked so hard.  I want to give him something to cling to.”  Yuuri’s expression was pained, desperate.

 

Yakov thinned his lips in consideration, he wanted his boy to rest and grow strong, not skate.  But Yuuri was right, they had to give him something.  “Then give him Europeans.  I can make the argument to the Figure Skating Federation that he should be allowed to skate in Europeans.”

 

Yuuri lowered his head in defeat.  “I can’t give him bad news.  Not yet.”

 

Yakov put a hand on the Japanese man’s shoulder.  “We’ll wait until you bring him home.  You will stay with me and Lilia while we have our team physician check him over.”

 

“They plan to release him tomorrow,” Yuuri informed the coach.

 

“Alright.  Good.  I’ll set it up for the day after tomorrow.  He’ll fight us on it,” the coach added with a knowing expression.

 

Yuuri bitterly smiled.  “I fully expect him to.”

 

* * *

  
  


In the hospital room Victor was given several hugs from his team mates.  Then Dmitry sat down next to him on the bed.  “I know you don’t like hospitals.  I remember when you came to live with us.  Your mama had become ill once more.”

 

Victor nodded, his eyes reminiscent.  “You watched over me.  Sat with me while I worried.  It was raining.  I just stared out the window.”

 

“You also talked...about your mother and you told me quite a few stories.  One that stuck with me is how she would call you bunny.  We all wanted to give you something to comfort you, Vitya.  So…”  He reached back for the gift bag handed to him by Mila.  “This is from all of us.”

 

Victor reached into the bag.  He pulled out a stuffed rabbit made of fabric.  It looked handmade with embroidered features, the fabric was an unbleached wool and cotton blend.  Written across the surface were messages of love and support from the entire Russian team.

 

“We came because we are closest to you,” Ivan explained.  “But the entire team is behind you.  The others didn’t want to overwhelm you, but all want to see you soon.”

 

A tear slid down his cheek then another as he stared at the gift overwhelmed.  “I-I don’t know what to say,” he murmured.

 

“Just get better,” responded the youngest skater in the group.  Victor looked up to catch green eyes glinting like fire and blond hair loose and wild.  “I plan to beat you next year on the ice.”

 

A smile touched Victor’s lips.  “Are you moving up, Yura?”

 

Mila scruffed the bright blond hair.  “He’s trying to talk Yakov into it.  The old man hasn’t agreed yet.”

 

“He will.  I’m ready,” insisted the blonde.

 

Victor’s smile became tender, indulgent.  “I look forward to skating against you.”

 

They didn’t stay much longer.  Yuuri returned to the room and Yakov corralled the skaters out of the room, turning to hold Victor one last time before leaving.  His partner sat down on the bed next to him and reached for the rabbit.  “What’s this?”

 

“It’s a gift from the team.  Have I told you about my mother?”  Victor spent the evening sharing tales of his mother in between all of the interruptions that are inevitable in the hospital.  Yuuri listened to the younger man speak, with growing animation as he related tale after tale of his mother.  Effectively ignoring what was happening to his body at every turn, Victor had passed the entire day without mentioning his body or skating once.  Yuuri knew he wasn’t dealing with the rape and kidnapping but Lawrie texted him that this was to be expected, it was a deflection technique, and he had cautioned Yuuri to wait it out.  Victor would take it out as he can and put it away when he can’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you are feeling a little more hopeful. Some of you are wondering what is going on with Mikhail. I'll let you know soon. For now, grab hold of a warm fuzzy blanket, a nearby plushie (bunnies are highly recommended), some chocolate, and tissues. I'll return to this fic in a few days to help Vitya and Yuuri work through their recovery. (((hugs))) and warm fuzzy blankets! Thanks for reading! ~Den


	47. Elastic Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor is out of the hospital...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...I've finally made it back to this one and I never meant to be gone from it for so long. Thank you, BluSkates, for the edits.

* * *

 

[ Elastic Heart ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWZGAExj-es)

 

Victor’s release from the hospital held its own frustrations.  He moved from the cold, sterile facility to the old mansion where he had spent a portion of his childhood.  Lilia greeted him, assessing him critically.  “You’ll come through this,” she pronounced as if that decided matters.   He didn’t feel so sure at times.  At times, he felt like everything fell apart around him and he was scrambling to pick up the pieces, uncertain that he found them all.  At times, he felt like he was putting together a puzzle of mismatched pieces, and something was definitely missing.  At times, he felt like he was wandering through a forest of memories knowing they should all be familiar but he had distanced himself to the point where they were unrecognizable.

 

But then he also had Yuuri, his refuge, his protector, his guardian.  He could feel the other man’s guilt but Victor didn’t have the strength to shoulder it as well.  Yuuri who loved him more than anyone has ever loved him, more than his mother who made sure he was safe and taken care of before she passed away, more than Yakov who fought him when he got involved with Mikhail, more than his numerous friends.  And it ached.  That pain in his heart ached like no other pain because there was a piece of him that was gone, a piece that he should have had the choice, that he should be able to give to Yuuri…and he couldn’t.  It was stolen and now a part of him was frozen.

 

Lilia led him up to his old room, the one he stayed in as a child when he would come for periods of time to study under Yakov, the one that became his home when Yakov became his guardian.  It was here that he learned his mother had passed away.  It was here that he froze over the first time.  No wonder he was so at home on the ice.

 

Victor wandered around the room.  It didn’t look like a little boy’s room.  Lilia and Yakov let him do as he pleased with the room.  And that meant dark gray walls with accents in silver and soft shell pink and lavenders.  The bed was metal painted white, its spindles reaching up towards the ceiling and splitting to form cages at intervals.  Victor said it reminded him of a magical forest.  The tall mirror, framed in wood and painted in distressed silver, leaned in one corner of the wall permitting Victor to take a full view of himself.

 

Victor looked at himself in that mirror now.  His hair showed the stress of the past few days, lacking in luster, falling in unhealthy rivulets around his face.  Bruises discolored the skin of his face disappearing down into his shirt.  He knew worse bruises and ugly wounds littered his body.  He could see the rub marks from the ropes and a number of the wounds, he could see the expression Yuuri tried to hide from him when the older man helped to wash his body.  The mirror hid nothing.  It held no magic.  Neither did the room.

 

Yuuri would join him soon.  Victor left him talking to the guards who were setting up security.  He just wanted to get away from everyone.  Victor crawled across the white cotton coverlet ignoring the gray wool blanket folded at the end of the bed.  He curled up in the far corner of the bed, leaning against the dark gray wall allowing the stormy color to filter into his mood.  He reached out and plucked up a stuffed rabbit.   _ Oh, Douglas.  I forgot about you. _  He smiled remembering the day his mother brought him the rabbit, at her laughter at such an un-Russian name.  But he was five and for the longest time this rabbit held his secrets.  He hugged the long eared animal next to his chest and sighed raggedly.

 

Blinking back tears, his eyes finally focused once more and rested on the nightstand.  Beneath the crystalline lamp sat a photo in a silver frame.  “Mama,” Victor whispered.  He leaned forward and plucked up the frame, his finger tracing her figure under the glass as he curled back up in the corner.

 

It was in this state that Yuuri walked in and found him, vulnerable and broken.  He didn’t even look towards the Japanese man but remained curled up holding a stuffed rabbit clutched to his chest and staring at a photo.  Yuuri immediately reached into one of their suitcases and removed the blanket within.  Joining Victor on the bed, he draped the blanket, with all of its fuzzy comfort, over Victor making sure not to block the view of the photo.

 

“I thought I lost all of them,” Victor finally whispered.  “All of my pictures with mama, I thought they were left at his apartment.  I didn’t know I left one here.”

 

Yuuri studied the figure in the photo tracing the lines with his eyes that Victor’s fingers continuously outlined.  “She’s beautiful…like you.”

 

“She wouldn’t like what I have become,” Victor murmured, a deep frown creasing his face.

 

“She wouldn’t like the strong man who found a way to escape his captor not once, but twice?  She wouldn’t like the graceful man that reaches out with love and finds joy in life’s simplicity?  She wouldn’t like the beautiful man that dances across the ice with fluid movement?  I find that hard to believe,” Yuuri stated, his voice even and soft, reassuring.

 

Victor flicked his eyes up at Yuuri finally seeing him.  “I want to go home, Yuuri,” he whispered, his lower lip trembling.  “This is my past.  I want to leave that behind.”

 

“My sweet Victor, we will as soon as they clear you to fly.  But our pasts don’t go away.  None of us can run from it forever.”

 

“I’m falling apart inside,” he confessed, his blue eyes wide, glittering with pain.

 

Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor and pulled him into his embrace.  “Let me hold you together, Vitya.  Let me keep you from flying apart.  Draw whatever strength you need from me.”

 

“And if it’s not enough?”

 

Yuuri sighed.  “You are among people who love you.  We have at least a week here.  Don’t wait for Hasetsu to heal…let these people help you as well.”

 

Victor dropped down, sliding his body lower until his head rested in Yuuri’s lap.  Yuuri settled his hand on the younger man’s shoulder, his fingers tangling into silver hair, careful not to tug.  A soft tap on the door brought Yuuri’s eyes up to where he met Lilia’s.

 

“There is a Takeo here.  He has brought someone for Vitya.”

 

Yuuri smiled and nodded in appreciation.  “We’ll be right down.  Thank you.”  He gently urged Victor upright.  “Takeo had to report to Grandfather.  Let’s see who he brought.”

 

“I’m not up for visitors, Yuuchan,” Victor answered gloomily.

 

“Just this once…for me, love,” Yuuri coaxed gently.

 

Victor drew a deep sigh but nodded, clumsily moving to the edge of the bed.  He checked his appearance and huffed in frustration.

 

“I’ll draw you a bath tonight,” Yuuri promised.  “We’ll use good product on your skin and hair.  It will help you to feel more yourself again.”

 

“Why do you take such good care of me, Yuuchan?”  Victor’s frown almost became a pout.

 

“Must you ask?  We take care of those that are precious to us,” Yuuri murmured, his fingers smoothing Victor’s hair behind his ears.  “Let’s go and see who came all the way back here to see you.  Okay?”

 

Yuuri guided Victor downstairs with a reassuring hand on the small of his back, Victor’s eyes casting about the entrance shyly as they rounded the corner.  Yuuri felt Victor’s stance change suddenly, muscles rippling in excitement as Victor drew his hands up towards his face.  Then he slipped away from Yuuri’s side, surging forward to greet the surprise, wrapping his arms around her, tears falling as he clutched her fur.  “Makkachin,” he breathed next to her ear.

 

Yuuri leaned against the wall, meeting Takeo’s eyes with approval.  This was what Victor needed more than anything and he was thankful when Takeo suggested it.  He could see the weariness in the guard’s face but knew that the man needed to do this to somehow compensate for his own failures.  Yuuri knew that feeling.  They were all wrestling with it.  But Makkachin’s presence would help.

 

* * *

  
  


Takeo and Akio sat with Yuuri in the enclosed study.  “Your grandfather is in a rage over what happened to Victor-san,” Takeo stated quietly.  “He’s calling for blood...and I think the Moscow syndicate is in agreement.”

 

“Will he demand proof?” Yuuri asked, his voice oddly cold.

 

Akio nodded.  “They’ll send a token to show the job is complete and the ports in Japan will remain closed to Russia until that happens.  I was left with the impression that Moscow wants to make an example of him.”

 

“And what does that mean for St. Petersburg, for his family?”

 

“This syndicate has for all intents and purposes disowned him.  We are keeping tight security just in case there is some kind of retaliation, however St. Petersburg doesn’t want to lose business in Katsuki territory.”

 

“I’m not going to ask what Grandfather has that they value.  I don’t want to delve that deep.  But I do want confirmation that Mikhail is gone.”

 

“Yes, sir,” Akio answered, noting the sharpness in the younger man’s demeanor, the command in his stance.  This incident had hardened the boss’s grandson.

 

“Takeo, I’ve sent word to Grandfather that you and Kimiko are to remain in our guard.  I don’t want to upset Victor with sudden changes in the faces he sees around him.  He trusts you both.”

 

“Thank you, Yuuri-san,” the younger guard answered with sharp bow.

 

“Victor is right.”  Yuuri started, staring at the folded hands in front of him.  He was saying this for the guards, just as much as for himself.  “We couldn’t have stopped this.  It was a matter of time.  We just have to pick up the pieces.  Thank you for bringing Makkachin.”

 

“Victor-san needed her.”

 

“Yes, he did.  Now, go and get some rest.  You haven’t had a chance to truly sleep since you left for Japan.  Akio, set the watch and you, too, get some rest.  I’m staying inside for now.  Victor needs to feel me close to him.”

 

“Yes, sir,” they both responded, bowing as they exited.

 

Yuuri sat back and contemplated the guards’ words over steepled fingers.  Shrugging off the exhaustion settling on his shoulders, he returned to Victor upstairs.  He promised to take care of the man.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri found the bath and smiled at the clawfoot cast iron tub with the handheld shower wand.  He set the taps and added in the moisturizing oils, avoiding anything scented that might irritate Victor’s wounds.  Once the bath was made ready, he went to find Victor stretched out in bed with Makkachin lying next to him.  “I have a bath ready for you,” Yuuri offered, leaning against the door frame.

  
Victor sat up with a smile.  Makkachin’s presence really did improve Victor’s mood.  The dog hopped off the bed and followed them, finding a matt in the corner to lie on while Victor held onto Yuuri.  The younger man settled into the tub and looked up at Yuuri appreciatively as the older man handed him a thick washcloth.  “Will you help me wash my hair before I get out?”

 

“Of course.”  Yuuri knew it was hard for Victor to reach back, the ropes had created some strain on the muscles.  “Yakov wants to get you in with the masseuse after you visit with the team physician tomorrow.”

 

Victor hummed happily as he laid back into the embrace of the curve of the metal tub.  “So no sleeping in,” he murmured.

 

Yuuri laughed.  “I suppose not.  You have a nine a.m. appointment.”

 

Victor sighed.  “At least I’ll know when I can get back on the ice...or at least get some idea.”  He was quiet studying the wall.  “They aren’t going to let me skate in the Final, are they?”

 

Yuuri took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  He’d been dodging that question.  “I don’t think they will...you have to let your body heal.”

 

Victor pouted.  “I worked so hard.  And he still managed to take that away from me.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri murmured.

 

Victor squeezed his lips together angrily.  “Don’t say that.  Quit saying you’re sorry.  You did nothing wrong.”  He kicked at the foot of the tub sloshing water into the floor, his muscles still tense after the release.  Yuuri watched him with wide eyes.  “I can’t deal with your guilt, Yuuri,” he said finally.  “It’s misplaced and I have enough to work through.  Do what you need to do to let it go.”

 

“I just...want to take care of you,” Yuuri said finally.

 

“I know...and you are,” Victor argued back.  “I...am just frustrated.  And every time you apologize, I feel the weight of it.  Perhaps that is selfish, but I don’t have the strength to be anything else but selfish right now.  So give me this.  Don’t say you are sorry.”

 

Yuuri nodded slowly.  “I’ll do my best, Vitya.”

 

“That’s all I ask,” the Russian replied.  He scooted forward.  “Now, will you come over here and wash my hair?”

 

Yuuri smiled and nodded.  “Of course.”  Picking up the wand, he began to wet the strands as Victor released the drain.  He took his time to wash then properly condition it.  Finally, he helped Victor up and guided him cautiously out of the tub.

 

“I’ll be glad when I can move well enough to do these things on my own,” Victor pouted.  “I hate losing my independence after fighting so hard to gain it.”

 

Yuuri settled him on the stool before the vanity and began working through his tangles.  “You are still strong and independent.  Just use me as an extension of yourself, Vitya.  You know I never want to take away your sense of self.”

 

“I know,” Victor murmured.  “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier.  But...I needed to say those things.”

 

Yuuri leaned over his shoulder and met the younger man’s eyes in the mirror.  “I’m proud of you for it.  You never have to apologize for standing up for yourself.”

 

“Thank you, Yuuri.  Will you braid it so it won’t tangle?”

 

Yuuri nodded, humming as his fingers deftly worked the strands together before tying them off.  “Lilia said dinner's at six.”

 

Victor chuckled.  “Some things never change.”  They went down companionably to join the other residents of the house half an hour later.

 

Yuuri tucked the blankets around Victor as they settled into sleep that night and the young man felt nothing but thankful for Makkachin’s presence.  Maybe she could chase off the nightmares...for at least one night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Douglas is the same Douglas in BluSkates' [Memories are the Only Real Ghosts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11554047/chapters/25949061) and I highly recommend that you read it if you haven't already.
> 
> Let me know what you think and hopefully I'll keep a steady rotation going between stories.


	48. Circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reality sets in...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for the your edits. Welcome back to the land of Wifi, Mags!

* * *

 

[ Circles ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QPzf3PAE_M)

 

The nightmares came.   Victor shifted restlessly in his sleep as he fought his inner demons.  With a moan, he flipped over, Russian words slipping from his lips, desperate cries begging for relief.

 

Yuuri lay awake listening, knowing it was one way the younger man could work through what happened.  He ran a soothing hand over Victor’s back, trying to ground him even in his sleep.  “I’ve got you,” he whispered.  “You’re safe.”

 

Makkachin snuffled up Victor to make sure he wasn’t hurt before settling within reach of the silver haired man’s arms.  Victor wrapped his arms around Makka, snuggling into her curls.  Finally he settled between them.  Yuuri sighed.  He needed to contact their therapists.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor sat in the examination room while the team physician studied the notes from Dr. Romanova.  Closing the file, he pursed his lips.  Victor didn’t need to be told what the outcome of this meeting would be.  “I’m out, aren’t I?”

 

The doctor nodded.  “I can’t approve your skating knowing that it will injure you further.”

 

“How long?”

 

“At least six weeks.”

 

“So this whole season is lost,” Victor frowned.  “If I don’t go to Nationals, there is no Europeans or Worlds.”  Victor drew a ragged breath, lifting his chin and staring at the ceiling to control his emotions.  “I worked too hard for this.”

 

“Talk with your coach.  He may have more to tell you.  But I’m putting you on a six week ban.  You may be able to return to elementary exercises in four weeks but I’ll want a fresh examination before I approve that.”

 

“I’ll be in Japan.  Can I have the doctor I see there send it to you?”

 

“Yes.  That will be fine.”

 

“Very well, expect it in four weeks.”  Victor shoved off the table and winced when his feet hit the floor.  He was not happy but he refused to give up his dignity.  With his head held high he walked out of the office and down to Yakov’s office.  He found Yuuri waiting for him there with the older coach.  “I’m banned for six weeks,” he pronounced.  Their expressions showed that they weren’t surprised.

 

“Vitya, do you want to continue?” Yakov asked him, his eyes studying the young man with compassion.

 

Victor drew a breath and nodded.  “I need to continue, Yakov.  He took so much from me.  I can’t let him have this.”

 

“Then let me give you this.  If you can get cleared to skate, then I will put in a word to let you jump straight into Europeans.  It shouldn’t be too difficult.  You were ranked well in the listings heading into the Finals and your circumstances are unique.”

 

“So I had a chance?  I could have made podium?”

 

“You had a damn good chance, Vitya.  And I want to see you skate as well.  So let me do this for you. You have to listen to your doctors and do everything they tell you to do, though.”

 

“Of course, Yakov,” Victor said, his eyes wide and excitement building in his voice.   _ I’m not out. _

 

“All of your doctors,” Yakov added.  “I want you in therapy as soon as possible.  Katsuki will report to me how you are doing and he won’t lie for you.”

 

Victor turned his eyes to meet Yuuri’s and felt a smile touch his lips.  “No, of course he won’t.”

 

“Fine.  Now, you go let the masseuse work those muscle kinks out.  And Katsuki, if you plan to participate in your own Nationals, I expect to see you on the ice daily until you leave.”

 

They both straightened and looked towards the old coach.  “Yes, sir,” Yuuri responded.

 

Victor smiled.  Despite the blow, his steps felt lighter as they walked towards the massage therapist’s office.  Yuuri cast a glance his direction.  “What’s on your mind, Vitya?”

 

“You talk to Yakov like he’s my father.   It amuses me.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Well, in a way he is.”  They drew up to a stop before the therapist’s door.  “Do you want me to stay?”

 

“N-no.  I can do this.  I know Elayna.  You need to skate.”  He drew a steadying breath and tried to reassure Yuuri.

 

Yuuri studied him doubtfully but relented.  “Will you be fine meeting me at the rink?”

 

Victor nodded.  He turned and tapped on the door.  An older woman in her mid-thirties opened it and greeted him.  Victor turned and waved Yuuri off as he entered.

 

Elayna settled Victor once he removed his clothing.  She knew to say nothing about the new sets of bruises and cuts on the younger man.  “I understand your shoulders have been giving you trouble.  I want to start with relaxing the surrounding area then working towards your shoulder.  I’ll explain each new movement and touch I make.”  She continued to talk to him in a slow, even voice, keeping him calm.  When she finished, she left the room and allowed him to redress in privacy.  When she returned, he was gone but there was a note scrawled on a pad that said  _ thank you _ with a bunny drawn in place of Victor’s name.  She smiled thoughtfully.  “Tough kid,” she murmured as she added the note to a small collection in her desk drawer.

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor leaned against the railing, watching his teammates and his boyfriend/coach running through practice on ice.  One of the assistants blew the whistle and the skaters pulled off to take a break and allow for resurfacing.  Yuuri immediately pushed over to where Victor stood.  “I talked with Takeo and he said he can drive you back once you are ready to go home.”

 

Victor nodded sadly.  “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, Yuuri,” he whispered, turning his hair around his finger uncertainly.

 

“I thought about that.  There are some skate videos pulled up on my computer.  I’d love it if you could go through some of them and analyze them.  Then we can discuss the critique when I come home.”

 

Victor frowned.  “Okay…I can do that.”

 

“And do what the doctor told you.  It’s the fastest way back to the ice.  Sitz baths every two to four hours, petroleum jelly, take your meds as directed, plenty of fluid, and stick to your diet.  Lilia told me to remind you she has an extensive library.  And if you get restless, Takeo or Kimiko would be happy to walk around the gardens with you and Makka.”

 

Victor drew a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “This is my life for now, isn’t it?”

 

“Just for now, not forever.  It will get better,” Yuuri reassured him.  “Are you going to be okay?”

 

Victor nodded.  “I will…I need to do things like this, Yuuri.  It’s too easy to lean on you.  No, I’ll go with Takeo.  And the videos should help me keep in touch with my skating.  Thank you for suggesting it.”

 

The drive back was quiet.  Victor stared out the window and Takeo focused on the road.  When they pulled into the drive, Victor climbed out of the SUV.  Turning towards the other man, he murmured shyly, “Thank you.  And thank you for going to get Makkachin.”

 

“It was the least I could do, Victor-san.”

 

“I’m going to go inside for a while,” Victor said softly, shifting awkwardly as he motioned towards the door.

 

“Let me know if you need to go out for a bit.”

 

Victor entered the old mansion.  The housekeeper looked up and smiled brightly.  “Victor, it’s good to have you back home.”

 

“Thank you, Olga,” he returned, smiling shyly.  He then turned and went up the stairs as quickly as he could manage.  Entering his room, he found Yuuri’s computer on the desk he used when he was in school.  He cradled the computer and climbed up into bed.  Makka joined him and he leaned back against her while she huffed in response.

 

The computer was older than the one Yuuri usually used.  Victor raised the screen and typed in the password Yuuri taught him.  The Japanese man had another login he used when things were more sensitive and Victor was curious but okay with the secrets his boyfriend kept, knowing that they were meant to protect him.  This one, however, he shared with Victor.  The Russian pulled up the tab with the videos and took out a notebook.  About an hour in, he grew bored, though, and set it aside.  He knew the necessity of studying video, he just didn’t like to spend hours critiquing the skates.  He shoved up out of his bed and went through the list of instructions by the doctor.

 

* * *

  
  
  


When Yuuri arrived back at the mansion, he found Victor curled up asleep, wrapped around Makkachin.  He knew Victor well enough to know that, for the most part, he was putting on a brave face for the day but still wasn’t dealing with his emotions.  After talking with Hashimoto on the way home, they decided it would be best to set up a video session to start Victor back on his therapy.  Smoothing his hair, he decided to let him sleep another half hour.

 

With the session set up, he gently pulled Victor from his sleep.  When Victor blinked the sleep from his eyes, Yuuri explained to him what he set up.  “Hashimoto and I agree that you shouldn’t have to wait until Japan to go through therapy.  He wants to try an online session.  I’ve setup a secure network.  He will meet with you in an hour.”

 

“O-okay,” Victor murmured, still a little disoriented from his sleep.

 

“Let’s get you sorted out and put some food in you.  Okay?”

 

Victor nodded and allowed himself to be led into the bathroom.  Yuuri helped straighten him out and Victor splashed water on his face.  Naps always left him groggy but it was worsened since he didn’t sleep well the night before.  Following Yuuri downstairs, he accepted the dish placed before him.  High-fiber.  Victor frowned in displeasure.  His eyes flicked up at the glass of water then back down to the meal before him.  Yuuri was talking with the nutritionist that worked for Lilia and Yakov about sneaky ways to slip fiber into Victor’s diet.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Victor sat with his legs crossed in the corner of his bed, the computer open before him as the call went through.  Soon, Hashimoto’s face appeared on screen.  “Hello, Victor-san.  It’s good to see you.”

 

“Thank you, Hashimoto-sensei,” Victor responded softly.  He reached for the bunny and hugged it to his chest.  “I’m going to have to start over, aren’t I?”

 

Hashimoto shook his head.  “Honestly, we will have to deal with these new occurrences and the residual effects.  Sasaki-sensei has given me a list of questions so she can work on your EMDR protocols and be ready when you return home.  However, we already have the foundation in place.   We can get you back to where you were.”

 

“I want to compete in Europeans,” Victor stated.  “I have to have approval from you and my physician.”

 

“I understand.  We’ll work hard and see if we can make that happen.   However, I will put your mental health before your ambition.  I hope you understand.”

 

Victor nodded.  “I just wanted to put my goal out there.”

 

“Let’s talk about where you are right now.  Have you been talking about what happened?”

 

“No.  It’s easier to ignore it.  But I’ve been having nightmares.”

 

“You are in a safe place now, Victor-san.  I think it is time for you to start talking,” the psychiatrist encouraged.

 

Victor blinked several times, his eyes looking past the computer.  “He grabbed my hair…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to do two chapters, then skip to the next. So my next stop is two chapters of semicolon, then two for lifeline, before returning. I've dropped my average chapters to one a day for now. Unless I have a binge writing session, that will be my pace. I am horrible about keeping a schedule, though (as you well know) but that usually works in your favor. So...I hope you enjoy this chapter. Let me know in the comments or if by some chance you haven't left kudos (really? You haven't by now?) then hit that button and give me some love.


	49. Castle on the Hill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letting go of Russia…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I couldn't sleep last night and this is the result. It is going up so quick because my super awesome editing friends BluSkates and Magrathea got right on this this morning.

* * *

 

[ Castle On the Hill ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0ibBPhiaG0)

 

The week passed Victor in half lives, each day feeling longer than the last.  Yuuri’s absence grated at the younger man’s soul but he said nothing, not wanting to pull him from practice.  He drifted from his room to the kitchen, to the garden, to the library, then back to his room, only to start all over again.  Kimiko or Takeo always seemed willing to accompany him when his steps took him outside.  Makka shadowed his steps.  But until Yuuri was back by his side, he wandered the house like a ghost.

 

The days fell into a pattern. Yuuri arrived, asked him about his day, made sure he was following the instructions and treatments left by Dr. Romanova, set up the next meeting with Hashimoto.  They ate dinner with the other residents.  Yuri watched them both with worry playing at his lips, his little blonde head daring back and forth to look at Victor, then Yuuri,  then the reactions of others at the table.  Victor’s room was the only one that remained designated to one person.  The others had homes to return to, but Yakov and Lilia were his family.

 

Yakov tried to engage Victor in conversation during dinner, discussing everything from weather to skating routines.  He received only monosyllabic responses.  Lilia asked him to help her clear the table.  They washed the dishes while she waited for him to speak.  Sometimes he did.  Most of the time he was quiet.

 

After drying the last dish, Victor retreated back to his room as the rest settled in to work on homework and other lessons.  Yuuri followed after him to help work through his evening treatment.  Victor would then settle into the curve of Yuuri’s body needing to feel the protection of his embrace to sleep.

 

Then the nightmares would come and he’d wake up shaking, drenched in sweat.  Yuuri watched over him, as if he were keeping the demons at bay, preventing them from unleashing their worst damage.  Douglas watched from where he lay on the nearby pillow, without judgment, waiting in case he was needed.  Makka watched, concern slipping out in a whine as she snuffled up to his fingers and welcome the nervous pets Victor gave as he pulled himself under control.

 

When it was over, Yuuri cleaned him up, dug out fresh pajamas, brushed his hair and rebraided it, each touch an example of tenderness.  Each stroke of Yuuri’s fingers held love; each embrace held protection. Sometimes tears would come.  Tears of frustration.  Tears of pain.  Tears of sorrow, anger.  Never where others could see.  Just Yuuri…or Makka…or Douglas.  Yuuri held him if they fell when he was near.  When he wasn’t, Victor wrapped himself around Makka. The old dog always stayed within reach..  Sometimes he reached for the stuffed bunny as he curled into the corner of his bed.  For days, the pattern repeated.

 

* * *

  
  
  


On the fourth day, Victor started to talk.  It was in quiet, halted words.

 

He told Yakov how he wished he had listened when Yakov told him he didn’t have a good feeling about Mikhail, how he felt like he disappointed the man who was the closest thing to a father he ever had, and how he was afraid of flying apart on the ice.  Yakov listened with calm assurance, protesting that he was never disappointed in Victor and telling him that all he ever wanted was for Victor to feel safe and loved.  Yakov told him how Yuuri is a good man who loves him, how the older skater had worked tirelessly to find him even from his hospital bed, and that if he makes Victor happy, he should hold onto that.

 

He argued with Lilia, telling her that he wasn’t strong, he fell apart every day, he was afraid that he was lost.  She listened steadfastly, then pointed out how he fought to free himself not once but twice, how he left in order to protect those around him, how he still moved forward in this way finding strength to do one more thing.  She knew he felt lost, but she reminded him of how it felt when he lost his balance as he shot up in height suddenly.  He thought he wouldn’t be able to skate, that he lost his edge.  Then, one day, he found his center of gravity and the ice welcomed him once more.  She pressed into him that he was surrounded by people ready to catch him if he fell or who would help him up if he hit the ice, but he needed to find his center of gravity and reclaim it once more.

 

He fought with Yuri, screaming that it was his need to belong, to be normal, to fit in that were downfall.  The little blonde could hear the self-blame in the older skaters voice and he railed against it.  The young skater screamed back, pushing Victor, refusing to treat him as if he were less, as if he were weak.  They fought like cats until Victor found his release for the built up frustration and anger.  

 

The other two young skaters living in the house hid from Victor.

 

Then, at the end of the day, he curled into Yuuri’s embrace and asked him once more, “Take me home.”

 

“Grandfather has arranged for a private plane for us, but I want you to see Dr. Romanova for your follow up first,” Yuuri promised gently.

 

Victor sniffed back, his long fingers shoving his tears away.  “I know Yakov and Lilia worry about me.  I know they want to take all this away.  But they can’t…and St. Petersburg, it holds such terrible memories.  I just…I want to distance myself.  I can’t heal here.  I walk in quiet but…I can’t find peace.”

 

Yuuri tightened his arms around Victor.  “I’ll see if Dr. Romanova can move your appointment up, Vitya.”

 

“Thank you,” he answered, his voice small, his vulnerability vibrating through him as he tightened himself into Yuuri’s hold.

  
  
  
  


The next day, Yuuri stayed home with Victor and rescheduled Victor’s follow up appointment.  Akio drove them to the doctor’s office.  Victor met the receptionist’s eyes uncertainly but as she spoke only Russian it was left to Victor to communicate that he’s here for an appointment with the doctor.

 

Victor grabbed Yuuri’s hand quickly before he could be lead back into an examination room and separated from the older man.  They waited in an uncomfortable silence, Victor sat perched awkwardly on the vinyl covered examination table, the paper rolled down to cover it would crinkle with each slight motion, irritating Victor.  Yuuri waited in the chair feeling the tension in from the younger man.

 

Dr. Romanova entered the room.  Noting Yuuri in the room, she spoke in English.  “Have you been following my directions?”  Taking out a stethoscope she began to through the routine initial motions of the exam.

 

Victor nodded, adding, “Yuuri double checks with me.  I’m not allowed to skate until the…until I heal.”

 

“I see.  And have you been to a counselor?”

 

“My psychiatrist has been working with me via skype until I can return to Japan.”  He paused looking her in earnest.  “Can I return?”

 

“My biggest concern is the long plane ride.  I’d want you on a donut to alleviate the pressure but still, such a long journey to sit,” she stated.

 

Yuuri murmured quietly, “My grandfather has arranged for a private plane.  It has places where Victor can lie down and he can also walk around some.”

 

The doctor took this information in thoughtfully.  “In that case, it should be fine.  Remember that you are to be as mobile as possible leading up to the flight, walk, take the stairs when able.  Take an aspirin the night before the flight, and drink plenty of water, no caffeine.  During the flight walk around at least once an hour. This will prevent clotting, the pressure on the plane can aggravate the stitches.”  She watched Victor’s face to ensure he was taking in her instructions and was satisfied that he was listening.  “I’d like to check the progress of your healing.”  She turned to Yuuri.  “Would you mind stepping out?”

 

Yuuri met Victor’s eyes and waited for the other man to slowly nod.  Yuuri left, and the nurse that remained engaged his attention with idle talk while the doctor examined him.  He winced during the digital exam but the doctor stated his healing was progressing well.

 

“Do you have a physician in Japan that you are comfortable with?” Dr. Romanova inquired after he had put himself back together.

 

“Yes.  Yuuri’s doctor took care of me when I was healing from broken ribs.”

 

“Good.  In another week, you’ll want to have another exam.  There is some stitching.  It is dissolving but sometimes the knot has to be removed.  Even after it comes out, I recommend you abstain from anal penetration at least until you are cleared to skate.”

 

Victor frowned, shivering and uncertain how his physical relationship with Yuuri would move forward again.  He could feel the echoes of self doubt Mikhail had ingrained into him creeping up.  Thankfully, Victor was dragged from this spiral by the doctor.  She handed him the release and instructions in both Cyrillic and English.  When Victor rejoined Yuuri in the waiting room, he said quietly, “I can go home.”

  
  
  
  


That evening, Yuuri arranged for them to fly out the following morning.  Lilia prepared a sendoff celebration, knowing that this was what Victor wanted.  Friends from the rink joined them as extra leaves were added into the table and chairs were brought in from where they had migrated into other rooms.  The dining room was as full as it had been when those skaters were all living here supporting each other through school and lessons with friendly competition.

 

Ivan and Dmitry shared stories reminding Victor of life growing up in the mansion.  Victor felt a smile tug at his lips as memories of the antics the other two Russians would drag him into started to edge out the darkness and reminding him that Russia hadn’t always treated him badly.

 

Yuri was gruff, a part of him sad but trying to hide it.  Victor told the youth he was welcome to come see him and this invitation was reinforced by Yuuri.  “Will you help me choreograph my senior debut?” the blonde asked, directing the question at both of them.  They both agreed they’d be honored and Victor even offered to design his costumes.

 

Mila leaned against Victor’s side.  “I’ve always been there for you.  You could have come to me.”

 

“You were too young with too much ahead of you to drag you into my darkness,” Victor murmured, resting his cheek against her red hair.

 

“Are you happy?” she inquired.

 

Victor felt the smile tease at his lips.  “I know I have a long ways to recover…but yes.  With Yuuri, I’m happy.  He lets me be myself and I don’t have to hide with him.”

 

“You didn’t have to hide with me,” the redhead pointed out.

 

Victor thinned his lips.  “I know…you’ve always been good to me, reaching out to me when others didn’t.  I think…you saw my need.”

 

“The others knew you were hurt…they were afraid you didn’t want them to step in.  I’m just stubborn.”

 

“I think your stubbornness helped me to keep it together until…I found the courage to leave.  Thank you.”  He turned and brushed a kiss into her red hair.  “You are the best of friends.”

 

“Then don’t forget to invite me to your wedding,” she teased, offering a wink.  She laughed warmly when his cheeks tinted as he glanced uncertainly towards Yuuri to see if he heard.  The Japanese man was engaged in a conversation with Ivan and Dmitry.

 

Lilia smoothed his hair, tucking a loose tendril behind his ear.  “You are always welcome here, you know.  You will always have a room in my house.”

 

“I know, Lilia.  I just…I can’t stay in St. Petersburg.  Perhaps later…after some time has passed.  But for now…”

 

“You don’t have to explain, Vitya.  I understand why you must leave.  I also know it isn’t all about…what happened.  You’ve always been looking for something.  I think you’ve finally found it.”  She nodded towards Yuuri.  “Be happy, Vitya.”

 

Yakov poured him a drink.  Vodka.  Not the cheap stuff he kept in his office.  Lilia wouldn’t have that in her house.  As Victor studied the drink, the old man drank it back, then urged him to drink it down.  Victor swallowed it in one gulp.

 

“I knew I was losing you.  You had retreated so far into yourself after the boy, Ivan.  You were so uncertain and I wanted to find the words to tell you that the school was wrong about you not being normal.  I…always accepted you.  Just as you are.”

 

“I know, Yakov.  I always knew you cared.”

 

“I care…you are…” Yakov drew a shaky breath and this is where Victor felt his first tear break the surface.  “I’ve always considered you my son from the first time you walked into this house.  I knew…your mother was dying.  She wanted to make the transition easy.  I’m sorry…I didn’t express it.  It’s not my way.  You needed more from me.”

 

“You didn’t fail me, Yakov.  I just needed to find my own path.  I’m stubborn and it’s hard to admit I’m wrong.”  Victor peaked out from under his dove gray lashes.  “I must take after my father.”

 

A quiet acceptance settled around the Russians.  Victor no longer belonged to them.  He didn’t truly belong to Russia anymore.  They knew the greatest kindness would be to let him go.  They also knew by the way Yuuri fought for him that he was in good hands.

 

* * *

  
  
  


After the guests left, Victor and Yuuri retreated to his room to pack.  Victor touched the photo of his mother.   “I think I want to bring this with me,” he murmured.

 

“Then you should bring…her.”

 

He packed the rabbit given to him by his rink mates.  Then turning to Douglas, he ran his fingers down the bunny.  “Is it childish to want to bring him as well?”

 

Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor from behind.  “If anything brings you joy, I want you to have it.  Don’t worry about whether it seems childish or what others will think.  I will defend your happiness in any way you find it or wish to express it.”

 

“It’s just that…it reminds me of…before.  Yakov and Lilia took good care of me after my mother passed away.  But...my mother…I m-miss her.”  The tears surprised him.  He had long since buried his mother.  Mourning was years behind him.

 

Yuuri turned him into his embrace holding him close.  “We always miss our mothers when we are going through our hardest struggles,” Yuuri assured him, his voice tender.

 

“I think that’s another reason why I want to go home.  Your mom makes me think of her.  Lilia…she’s different.  I know she cares about me but…Yakov and Lilia never hug and they don’t know how to be…warm.  I feel…cold inside.  I need the warmth.”

 

“They miss you, too, Vitya.  I’ve received a constant stream of messages of concern.  People show their love in different ways so I have no doubt that Yakov and Lilia love you.  But they are not what you need right now.  And they love you enough to let you go, to let you find what you need.”

 

Victor drew in a deep breath and slowly released it.  “So…I’m not disloyal?”

 

“Not at all.  You speak a different love language from Yakov and Lilia.  They show love through deeds, through taking care of you and making sure you are well.  You speak through touch.  You need touch.”

 

“Will you…hold me tonight?”

 

“Of course…I’ve held you every night,” Yuuri stated with surprise.

 

“I know…I just…”  Victor once more breathed in and out as he found his words.  “Can I feel more skin?”

 

Yuuri nodded slowly.  “How much?”

 

Victor drew off his shirt and pants and Yuuri followed his lead leaving them both in their underclothes.

 

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with this?” Yuuri worried.

 

“Yuuri, you don’t make me uncomfortable.  You make me feel safe,” Victor stated wryly.  

 

In their last night in the mansion, Victor rested in Yuuri’s arms, running his hands over Yuuri’s skin to reacquaint himself with that touch.  Yuuri mirrored his motion.  The kisses they shared were chaste.  More kisses fluttered over the other’s cheeks, forehead, nose, chin.  Every show of affection held a reverent tenderness.

 

As they settled into sleep, Victor murmured, “I don’t know…how difficult this will be to come back…together.  But…I love you, Yuuri.  Thank you for being my ground.  Thank you for always being willing to wait for me.”

 

“I will wait for you a thousand times if necessary.  Take whatever time you need.  Because I love you, too, Vitya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love to hear from you and support my wonderful editors/friends!
> 
> [Spotlight on Adventure](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11667576) by Magrathea
> 
> [Ningen](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11282742/chapters/25236696) by Magrathea
> 
> [Memories Are the Only Real Ghosts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11554047/chapters/25949061) by BluSkates
> 
> Also, BluSkates provided a backstory for Masha and Victor if you haven't read it.
> 
> [The First Bruise Hurts the Worst](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11404707)


	50. All the Kings Horses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor and Yuuri return home to Japan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to BluSkates and Magrathea for the edits on this!

* * *

 

[ All the Kings Horses](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1j2LoW3P14)

  
  


The plane was luxurious.  When they boarded, Victor found a comfortable seat; he felt very self-conscious as he put the donut into the seat, but he knew he did not want to aggravate his injury.  The bodyguards moved to the seats towards the front of the plane leaving Yuuri and Victor the privacy of the back.  Makkachin curled up in the seat on the other side of Victor, resting her head on his lap.  Victor placed a soothing hand on her as they prepared to take off.  She didn’t like to fly but she willingly did so to stay close to Victor.   
  


Victor held onto Yuuri’s hand not realizing he had gripped it tightly during takeoff.  It wasn’t until the plane leveled off that he widened his eyes and released his grasp.  “I’m sorry.  Flying doesn’t normally freak me out.”   
  


“It’s fine, Vitya,” he reassured the younger man, offering a tired smile.   
  


At some point, he moved to the couch stretching out on his side.  Yuuri settled down next to him, stroking his hair and soothing him until he slept.  When Victor opened his eyes again, Yuuri was stretched out in a seat facing him.  Victor finally allowed himself to see the exhaustion etched into Yuuri’s face.  _  I put you through so much, my Yuuri…and you haven’t given yourself the chance to recover. _  He moved back to his chair next to the raven-haired man and stretched out, shifting on his hip.  He reached out and tenderly pushed a strand of Yuuri’s hair behind his ear, his slender, pale fingers caressing the worry lines to relax under his touch.  “ _ Ya lyublyu tebya _ , my Yuuri.”  His voice was barely a whisper but the words seemed to reach some deeper part of Yuuri and the older man settled into a more relaxed state.   
  


The plane landed fifteen hours later and they were shuttled out into the waiting SUVs to continue their trip to Hasetsu.  The tired and rumpled passengers climbed wearily into the seats for the hour long drive from the airstrip to the small town in the deep south of the country.  Victor rested his head against Yuuri’s shoulder, Yuuri’s protective arm wrapped around him as he closed his own eyes.   
  


Finally, they arrived weary and travel worn.  After guiding Victor into the inn and the waiting arms of his family, Yuuri turned to the bodyguards.  “Go.  Spend time with your family.  We’ll stay close to the inn through tomorrow.  And thank you for taking care of us.”   
  


“It’s always an honor to take care of you, Yuuri-san, and your Victor-san,” Akio responded with a bow.  The lead guards knew they had one more stop to make full report to Katsuki-soma.  But the others could be released.   
  


Yuuri returned to the inn and his family.  His mother was holding onto Victor cooing over his loss of weight.  He smiled as he heard her tell him, “Don’t worry, Vicchan.  I’ll fix that.  Just leave it to Mama Hiroko.”   
  


His mother led Victor towards the kitchen and Mari seemed torn but decided to hold back and see to her brother.  Toshiya studied the young man before him.  “Are you okay, Yuuchan?”   
  


Yuuri slowly shook his head no in admission.  Toshiya and Mari glanced towards the kitchen before leading him a little further away.  “I’m holding anxiety in check.  It’s not the medicine.  It’s…everything.  I just feel…helpless, unsure.  I am so afraid of hurting him further.  And…I failed him, papa.  I let that man steal him away.  How will I ever make that up to him?  How can he possibly forgive me?”   
  


The older man pulled his son into his embrace.  “Give it time, Yuuchan.  This will not fix itself overnight.  And that boy did not look like someone who blamed you.  He seemed…relieved.  He will need to heal from what happened.  But so do you.  Don’t neglect your own injuries, both physical and mental.  You can’t take care of him if you allow yourself to break down.”   
  


Yuuri eased out of the embrace, worried hands running up and down his upper arms.  “I-I know.  I just…needed to hold it together until I made it home.  They were all entrusting him into my care.  I couldn’t…I didn’t want them to doubt my ability…even though I doubt it myself.”   
  


Mari frowned as she watched her brother.  She saw the faded injuries on the platinum blonde as he came into their home.  “He’s dead, you know,” she stated quietly.  Her eyes flicked up to her father.  He said nothing.  “Sofu confirmed it.  He wanted to tell Vicchan himself.”   
  


“Then at least he can’t add to the injury.  Let’s hope I don’t…sometimes I feel so poorly equipped for this path.”  He wrung his hands before them.   
  


“Nonsense, Yuuchan,” she stated firmly.  “You’ve been preparing for this your whole life.  Each person you reached out to showed you something you needed to know.  You have it all here,” she stressed, touching her forehead.  “And we know you have enough heart.  Don’t doubt yourself.  You know what to do.  Just listen to your instincts and don’t let your insecurity overwrite that knowledge.”   
  


Yuuri considered her words, his eyes already seeking Victor in the direction of the kitchen.  His father squeezed his shoulder.  “Go to him.  Get him settled.  But make sure you eat as well.”  With a gentle push from his father, Yuuri moved towards the kitchen.   
  


Victor was seated on the barstool and looked up when Yuuri came into the room.  “Miso and rice?” Yuuri asked.   
  


“My stomach is out of sorts after such a long trip on a plane.  Mama Hiroko thought this would settle it,” he explained.   
  


“May I have the same?” he asked, failing to keep his exhaustion out of his voice.  He would rest but not until he settled Victor first.  Yuuri could feel those blue eyes watching him with concern.  He ate quietly as his mother cleaned up.  She took their bowls and shooed them away after they finished eating.   
  


Yuuri walked up the stairs with his hand on the small of Victor’s back.  Their feet came to a halt in front of the door to Yuuri’s room.  Victor pulled back, moving towards his old room.  The younger man met his eyes, apology sitting in the depths.  “I need…can I sleep in there for now?”   
  


Yuuri blinked in surprise before nodding, his hand falling away.  “Of course.  Y-you know where to find me if you need me.”   
  


“Thank you for understanding.”  Victor sighed, turning his feet towards the smaller room.   
  


Yuuri watched him disappear through the door.  Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and reminded himself that Victor always steps back when things overwhelm him.  _  He’ll come back to me when he’s ready.  _  But in the back of his mind, a voice taunted him about his failure.   
  
  


* * *

 

The old man came to the inn, something he rarely did, but today he made an exception.  Toshiya stopped working with Mari to greet him with a quiet bow, “Otousan,” then pointed up the stairs.  Takehiko smiled tightly towards his granddaughter before he climbed the stairs.  He knew his way to Yuuri’s room and when he reached the landing went directly to the sliding door and knocked.   
  


Yuuri opened the door.  “Sofu!  I thought you would have us meet you in town.”   
  


He thinned his lips.  He wanted to deliver the confirmation to the boy himself.  His eyes went over Yuuri’s shoulder to the sofa where Victor sat, his hands folded neatly around a cup of tea, his porcelain expression a controlled study of peace.  He kept his eyes downcast, perhaps to hide the pain and emotion.  Victor slowly lifted the cup to his lips and sipped the tea.   
  


When the security leads reported to Katsuki-soma the previous day, they told him their two charges were taking a day of rest.  They then placed the confirmation of death in Takehiko’s hands.  He opened the lid to the cooler, his eyes grazed over the face of the man who attacked his family.  Handing it back to Takeo, he ordered him to take it to the private crematorium.  The ashes would be returned to the man’s family out of respect.  Takeo bowed and left his presence.   
  


Akio remained.  “It will take him a while to recover.”   
  


“And my grandson?” the old man inquired.   
  


Akio took a deep breath.  “He will hide his struggle better.  But…it might take longer.  He blames himself.”   
  


“We all bear some of that blame,” Takehiko stated quietly.  “But the one that holds the greatest blame is gone.  The ports shall be reopened for Russia and trade will continue as usual.  But this blood stain will connect us to Moscow…and St. Petersburg for a very long time.”   
  


“Do you expect retaliation?” Akio asked thoughtfully.   
  


The septuagenarian thinned his lips.  “Nothing will happen as long as that tenuous truce remains between Moscow and St. Petersburg.  The fight lives in Russia, and will stay there.  If it breaks, we’ll need to make decisions on how to keep the boys safe as they travel to Russia.”   
  


“Victor-san has family in St. Petersburg.  Not blood but still important to him.”   
  


“They should be safe for now.  I will keep a close eye on the situation but you should also use your sources, Akio.  Keep me informed.”   
  


“I will,” the younger man replied, bowing as he left.   
  


Now the old man was being brought into Yuuri’s room.  Victor clamored a little as he found a place for the teacup.  “Grandfather!” he greeted, coming forward to eagerly meet him.   
  


Takehiko studied the boy, his height slightly bent from the weight of the past two weeks, his face drawn and pinched, eyes red, dark shadows beneath them.  The yellowing remnants of a bruise remained on the side of his face.  “He struck you,” the old man stated as if that was the worst of the damage but it was all he could acknowledge aloud.  He knew the full extent of it, which was why he demanded proof of death.  “You are safe now, Victor-san.”   
  


“Thank you, Grandfather.  Is he…do we know…”   
  


“I’ve had confirmation that he can no longer hurt you.  Now you need to use that courage and strength you showed in your defiance towards him, and your daring escape to get better,” the old man stated quietly, using his words to shift the weight of the sentences.   
  


“I-I will.  They won’t let me skate in the Final or in Nationals.  I’m hoping…Europeans.”   
  


The old man nodded, taking his hand and guiding him back to the sofa where Victor had been sitting.  Yuuri followed and took the chair after the other two sat.  “I would love to see you skate again, to see the programs you and my grandson worked so hard on.  However, I want, more than anything, to see you well.”   
  


“I’m trying hard, Grandfather.  I am following the directions of the doctor as closely as possible.”   
  


“Are you receiving counseling?” the old man shifted to look between his grandson and Victor.  Yuuri knew that the question was directed towards him as well.   
  


“I’ve been able to talk with Hashimoto using the computer,” Victor confirmed.   
  


“Now that we’ve returned we are each scheduled for five days a week to start with,” Yuuri added.  “Victor will rotate between Hashimoto and Sasaki.  And…I will see Sasaki when he’s in to see Hashimoto.”

 

The old man held his eyes and nodded.  “Will you skate in the nationals, Grandson?”   
  


“I will…I’m hoping to use your Tokyo residence and avoid hotels.”   
  


“That’s fine.  I won’t be able to join you.  I have business to attend to but I will watch it on the television.”   
  


“Thank you for watching.  Otousan and Okaasan will be running the inn but you know they will host a viewing party.  Mari and Minako I’m sure will travel with me.”   
  


“We’ll discuss the amount of security needed closer to the event.”  Turning back to Victor, he squeezed the younger man’s hand.  “You rest, get well.  If you are anything like my grandson, you are happiest on the ice.”   
  


“Thank you, Grandfather,” the blonde answered softly.   
  


The old man stood stiffly and the other two stood and bowed as he moved towards the door.  Turning back, he added, “Let me know if you need anything.”   
  


His granddaughter met him at the foot of the stairs.  “His death has been confirmed,” he stated quietly.   
  


“At least he can’t hurt Vicchan any longer.  That boy’s been through too much,” Mari murmured.   
  


The old man nodded.  “You tell your father.  I know he’s concerned.”   
  


“I will.  Don’t forget to rest, Grandfather.”   
  


“I won’t,” he responded, squeezing his granddaughter’s hand.  Hopefully the procedure on Christmas day will fix whatever is happening with his heart.  Mari was too young and perhaps too rash to bear the weight of his empire although she had enough steel.  Turning, he ambled towards the door.  Toshiya was now the last of his sons.  He had nephews and nieces in the business.  But none of them had the presence to hold the business together.  Yuuri could, but he didn’t want that. He needed to hold out until Mari was ready.   
  
  


* * *

 

  
  


Victor mulled over his cup of tea after Yuuri’s grandfather had left the room, losing himself in his thoughts once more.  He felt a certain relief towards the news about Mikhail…and a greater amount of regret.  Yuuri crossed lines to make sure he was safe and Victor wasn’t sure what compromises he had made along the way.  What ethics had Yuuri abandoned for his safety?  He peered at the other man over his cup thoughtfully.   
  


“Yuuri…are you okay?”   
  


Yuuri gave him a reassuring smile but it didn’t reach his eyes.   _ He’s a terrible liar when it comes to those he cares about…or perhaps they just know him too well _ .  “It’s all fine.”   
  


Victor lowered the cup and raised his eyes doubtfully.   
  


Yuuri dropped his eyes and shuffled his feet.  “I just…it’s probably good that I’m going into counseling, too.”  He lifted his eyes, his smile becoming more wistful.  “You’re right.  I do carry a lot of guilt.”   
  


“I don’t blame you for what happened.  I hope you know this.”   
  


Yuuri shrugged.  “I blame myself.  We are hardest on ourselves.”   
  


Victor patted the sofa next to him and Yuuri joined him.  “Is my sleeping in another room making it worse?”   
  


Yuuri leaned forward as he rested his elbows on his thighs, his hands meeting between his knees.  “Even if it were true, you shouldn’t feel an obligation to sleep with me.  I want you to be comfortable and if you need time to regroup, time by yourself, then so be it.  Take the space you need.”   
  


Victor pursed his lips.  Yuuri hadn’t exactly said yes, but he didn’t say no, either.  Sighing, he was thankful that they would start the counseling process.  “It won’t be forever…and it has nothing to do with you.  I just…as you said, I need to regroup.  I love you every bit as much as before.”   
  


“I know.  You need to step back to heal.  I love you and respect that.”   
  


Victor sighed, a smile touching his lips.  “For now, I don’t want to live in the problem.  There is more to me than what happened.”   
  


“Then what do you want to do?”   
  


Victor considered the options and his limitations.  “I think I’d like to explore the Ninja castle.  A walk would do us some good.”   
  


Yuuri pursed his lips.  “Would you be comfortable with local guard?  I gave our friends the day off.”   
  


“We should be safe now, shouldn’t we?” Victor asked, chewing his lower lip.   
  


Yuuri nodded.  “Yeah, we should.  I know Akio and Takeo plan to go with us tomorrow but it will be light guard.  Around town, though, there are enough people monitoring anything odd that should be fine.”   
  


Victor stood and reached for Yuuri.  “Then let’s go!  We’ll take a walk, get some fresh air, and enjoy the tour.”   
  


Yuuri smiled glad to see some cheer in Victor.   
  


The couple walked towards town hand in hand.  Victor danced on his toes excited about touring the ninja castle.  “You know it’s not really a castle,” Yuuri pointed out.   
  


“Close enough!  I can’t wait.”   
  


Yuuri chuckled at his enthusiasm.  Entering the small fortress, they fell in with a small group touring the building.  Yuuri would lean in and translate for the guide.  As they finished the tour, Yuuri could see Victor flagging.  “Are you ready to go home?”   
  


Victor shook his head.  “You won’t let me on the ice,” he murmured.   
  


“No, not on the ice.  But we can walk back along the beach.  It’s cold but I like the starkness of the beach in winter.”   
  


Victor nodded, agreeing easily.  As they reached the sand, Victor leaned more and more on Yuuri, his steps becoming slower.   
  


“Is something bothering you,  _ anata _ ?”   
  


“I just…I don’t want to continue being a burden, Yuuri.”   
  


“Where is this coming from?” Yuuri’s steps stopped.  He turned to face Victor, looking into the small pained countenance.   
  


“I just…I want to give as much as I take from this relationship.”  Victor brought his eyes to meet Yuuri’s searching for forgiveness.   
  


Yuuri took in the site of the blue eyes filled with emotion, he watched as the ocean air lifted Victor’s hair and brushed it from his face.  “We both give equally…but that doesn’t mean we are both on the giving end all of the time.  Right now you have the greater need and I’m trying to meet you where you are.  But when my need is greater, you’ll do the same…like the day I messed up my medicine.  You take care of me as well, Vitya.  And there is no one else I want taking care of me.”   
  


A small smile found its way to Victor’s lips.  “So you feel loved, too?”   
  


“Without a doubt.”   
  


Victor stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Yuuri, his height giving him advantage.  “We should go home soon.  Mama Hiroko is going to want to feed me again.”   
  


Yuuri chuckled.  “You’re not wrong.”   
  


He frowned, feeling a moment of disconnect as he found his thoughts back in St. Petersburg.  “It was hard to eat in Russia after…well…it’s easier now.”  Victor turned to Yuuri, determination settling into his features.  “Okay.  I’m ready to go home now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what's on your minds?


	51. Sinking Inside Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor struggles with the after affects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, BluSkates and Magrathea, for getting to my work. I know I produce a lot and I hope you know I appreciate you both for reading through and editing these.

* * *

 

[ Sinking Inside Yourself ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lt0Ji14Zkyk)

 

Victor wrapped himself tightly in the blanket on his bed, holding onto Makkachin then switching to the pillow that still retained Yuuri’s scent after all of this time.  He twisted back, carrying the pillow into a new position, tangling himself in the covers, fighting against the ghosts that tormented his thoughts.  The blanket itself changed from a source of comfort to one of confinement, taking him prisoner, tangling around his small frame until he frantically shoved up off of the mattress with a shout, pushing it off, pushing Makka away, panting, fighting back the ensuing panic.

 

Yuuri must have heard him from his room.  Victor heard the footsteps approaching as he drew his knees to his chest.  The door eased open.  Yuuri studied him from the shadows.  “Can I…can I come in?” he asked softly.

 

Victor nodded, shivering, trembling, the words were too difficult at the moment.  He felt the mattress sink in next to him and then a hand rub circles into his back.  Victor remained folded over his knees, his breathing ragged, his words lost. 

 

“Sometimes…when words are too hard, when the walls close in, I have to get out.  Walk in the night air.”  Yuuri offered.

 

Victor waited until his breathing steadied, then looked up finally, his expression shadowed, the fight in his sleep adding new bruises to the ones barely faded.  Slowly unfolding, he followed Yuuri off the bed.  Allowing Yuuri to help him dress, he then stumbled after him, down the stairs.  Yuuri paused by the door to slip his feet into trainers and grab a set of keys as Victor found his own shoes. 

 

The night air greeted him harshly.  He needed it, the way it tore at his breath forcing him to demand breath, giving him something to fight with other than himself.  They walked for miles, their steps landing them at a railing overlooking the city from high above.  It was then that Victor could finally speak.  “I need help.”

 

He felt Yuuri’s hand on his back.  His feet turned into that touch of their own volition.  He rested his head on Yuuri’s shoulder, turning his forehead into Yuuri’s neck.  Then he heard Yuuri’s soft voice.  “I’m here.  I won’t let you get lost.”

 

“But I’m getting lost inside myself, Yuuri.  In the nightmare.  I can’t shake it.  It’s there even when I’m awake.  I need help.”

 

Yuuri held onto him with one arm but Victor felt him take something from his pocket.  The light from the screen told him that it was a phone.  He couldn’t focus on the contact he chose but soon a familiar voice answered.  “Hello?  Yuuri?”

 

“Hi, Lawrie.  Is this a bad time?”

 

“No, not at all.  What’s wrong?”  Victor could hear the concern in Lawrie’s voice.  It wasn’t late, but it certainly was strange to call at this hour, which alerted the counselor.

 

“We are having a hard time and I didn’t know who to call.  Victor is asking for help.”  Yuuri passed the phone to Victor and held onto him as he talked, blanketed in the darkness.

 

Victor took in a deep breath and made a leap of faith, “Lawrie, how do I make the nightmares stop?”

 

There was a moment of silence while the other man collected his thoughts.  “They’ve been waking you up, haven’t they?”

 

“They come even when I’m awake.” Victor’s voice broke in a sob, he was so overwhelmed and even this lifeline seemed like one that wouldn’t bring him to harbor.  “I can’t get free of them.  I feel…like I’m drowning.”

 

“Are you in counseling?”  Lawrie kept his voice level, but there was an urgency to this question.

 

“Five days a week.  But right now it seems so far away.  Right now I don’t know what to do.  I can’t…breathe.”  Victor felt the dampness on his cheeks.

 

“It’s important not to completely isolate yourself during this time.”

 

“I moved back to my old room…I felt like I needed to restart.” Victor’s panic began to mount.  He had been so worried of hurting Yuuri, but now he worried that he was hurting himself.

 

“And now?” Lawrie’s voice was impassive, Victor felt calmed by it.

 

“I-I don’t know.  Yuuri came to me when I needed him.”

 

“Have you tried sleeping with the doors open?  Is this an option?  You can get your space and still feel Yuuri’s presence.”  Lawrie tried to make his voice light.

 

“I-I can try that.”  Victor looked up to see that Yuuri was listening and received an answering nod.  Of course Yuuri would give whatever he asked.   _ But what will that do to Yuuri?   _ He chewed his lip.  Uncertainty hit his next statement.  “I don’t know what I need.”

 

Lawrie was silent for a moment before beginning again with a reassuring voice.  “First of all, I want to reassure you that you are safe.  That you can trust both Yuuri and me.  You are not alone.  I am always a phone call away, as are Chris and Phichit.  Yuuri is within reach.  We are all here for you.”

 

“How do I move past this, Lawrie?” Victor’s voice began to waver again.

 

“One step at a time…and there will be bad days, moments where you are thrown back into the memories.  It doesn’t go away overnight.  But when it happens, remind yourself that you are safe.  Find something or someone to ground you.  And talk it out.”

 

“But if I talk about it, then…it really happened.”

 

Lawrie heard the break in the younger man’s voice and he knew he had reached the root of the problem.  Victor was trying to move passed this by simply shoving it aside like a broken lace.  “Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away, Victor.  It just forces you to internalize it.  By talking, you get it out.”

 

“B-but Yuuri…he’s been through so much with me,” he sobbed and felt Yuuri’s arms tighten around him, a brush of lips against his brow, a press of cheek to his head.

 

“He has…and he has the best perspective out of all of us.  He’s not leaving.”

 

Victor sniffed back trying to pull his tears under control.  “But…he’s hurting too…I don’t want to hurt him more.”

 

“This is a journey of healing for both of you.  This is part of the process.  Let him heal with you rather than apart from you.  It will be less painful for both of you.”

 

Victor chewed on his lip considering Lawrie’s words.  “So I was wrong to move back to my old room?”

 

“No, Victor,” Lawrie gently reassured him.  “You are allowed to take control of your world, your environment, your space.  And you have a partner that will give you the space you need.  Just don’t let it be a wall between you both.”

 

“Okay.  I think…I need to talk to Yuuri now.  Thank you, Lawrie.”  He handed the phone to Yuuri who noticed the disconnect and tucked it in his pocket.  “Yuuri, can we walk a little more?”

 

“Of course,” Yuuri agreed.

 

They moved on in silence a while.  Finally, Victor spoke.  “I guess you heard all of that.  This isn’t going to be easy.  It’s…different from last time.  The things that scare me are different.”

 

“I’ll meet you where you are every time, no matter where that is…I just don’t always know what you need from me, Vitya,” Yuuri murmured.

 

Victor smiled but Yuuri could see that his expression held a bitter edge.  “You aren’t doing anything wrong, Yuuchan,” he said quietly.  “You say you will meet me where I am, but that’s the problem.  I…am adrift.  I haven’t figured out where I’m at and feel…lost.  Hashimoto and Sasaki are both working to help me find my feet, to help me work through the trauma.”  He turned to face Yuuri.  “I want to be close to you but…I’m afraid.  I feel safe with you but…I’m afraid.  I know he’s gone but…I’m still so afraid.  I wake up unable to breathe.  If I’m tangled up in my bedding like tonight, it’s worse, I panic.  I don’t know how to deal with that.  And…I’m afraid.”

 

“I’m afraid, too,” Yuuri admitted quietly.  “I’m afraid that I failed you, that somehow I’m not enough, that perhaps you would be better with someone else.  I’m afraid I add to your fears, your nightmares.  I want to be your safe place, I don’t want to cause you pain.”

 

Victor once more sought Yuuri’s arms.  “You  _ are _ my safe place, Yuuri.  You  _ never _ hurt me.   And…you did not fail me.  Years ago I made…a bad decision.  I was nineteen and desperate for love.  I mistook what he offered for love, but I didn’t truly know what love was.  You showed me the difference.  And you never quit looking for me when I was lost.  I have no reason to think that you’ll stop now.  I just…sometimes find myself lost inside.  I need you…” Victor drew a deep breath finally finding the answer he was seeking.  “I need you to pull me out of myself.  Don’t let me retreat, Yuuri.  Don’t let me shut myself off from others, but especially from you.  That’s what I did in Russia.  That’s why no one could help me.  But you found a way to open a door and I was able to find my way out.  Don’t let me close that door.”

 

Yuuri tightened his arms around him, pressing another kiss to his temple, his cheek to his head.  “I won’t.  I’ve got you…I’m here.  For always, Vitya.  For always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well? Tell me what's on your mind.


	52. I Want You Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first few days in Tokyo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of love for my friends, editors, and beta-readers BluSkates and Magrathea! Thank you!

* * *

 

[ I Want You Here ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWww880E9wU)

 

 

Yuuri flew to Tokyo for Nationals.  His grandfather granted him access to his condo, which had several rooms, accommodating the bodyguards, his sister, Minako, Celestino, himself, and a room for Victor to retreat to when needed.  Since their evening walk, Victor left the door to his room open nightly and Yuuri came to his side more than once as he heard the nightmares overwhelm the younger man, holding him until he found sleep once more.  Daily therapy was wearing on him, but Victor was determined.  He wanted to be whole.

 

They arrived a day before his coach, and Yuuri confirmed a practice rink while the rest of them unpacked.  They would be in Tokyo for a week.  Yuuri had already seen to keeping them both on schedule with their therapist, arranging to skype on the non-competition days from the privacy of their rooms.

 

Victor took the room next to Yuuri’s, needing to stay close to him.  This was typically Mari’s room but she surrendered it without a second thought, knowing the two men would need each other close by.  The family members were all supportive to the Russian’s recovery and Mari had taken to the role of elder sister in a way that made Yuuri a little jealous.

 

Mari popped into his room.  “Sofu wants me to take care of some things for him while I’m here but I’ll be in the stands for your programs.”

 

Yuuri smiled and nodded.  “It’s strange being here without him.”

 

“I know.  You know he wants to be here…he talks all the time about seeing you on the ice again.”

 

“Yes…but I hope he understands I don’t have many more seasons left.  I’ll probably retire after the next Olympics.”

 

“I’m sure he understands, Yuuri.  Have you thought about what you want to do after that?”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “I mean, I can work in computers but I don’t really want to do that.  It’s something I do for fun.  And I have solid investments, so I don’t hurt for money.  I think I’ll see what Victor wants to do and support him.”

 

“Victor wouldn’t want your life to be just about him,” his sister advised.

 

Yuuri just smiled in response.  She huffed and shrugged as she left him alone in his room.  Victor came around the corner right after and leveled his gaze at him.

 

“She’s right, you know.”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “Now you are both ganging up against me!  I just mean if you continue to skate, I’ll help coach you.  And if you do something else, we’ll figure out where that will be and what you need to do.”

 

Victor came into the room and sat backwards in the straight-back chair.  “I need to learn Japanese,” he stated.

 

“Oh, okay,” Yuuri answered surprised.  “So you plan to stay here?”

 

Victor studied his hands while he worked up the courage to answer that question.  “I know what I want to do after I finish skating.  I want to design costumes for skating and maybe dancing and theatre.  So I need to go to school.  There is one in Fukuoka and one here in Tokyo that I’m looking at but I will need to be fluent in Japanese to attend either of them.”

 

“Oh, wow.  Then, yes, we’ll make sure you get into proper lessons.  You’ll also need to be able to read and write in all three Japanese alphabets and pass the  [ language proficiency exam ](http://www.jlpt.jp/e/about/levelsummary.html) .”

 

“It might take me a while.  And I will need your help.”

 

Yuuri smiled gently.  “We’ll all help you.  And whichever school you decide on, we’ll make the move.”

 

Victor’s eyes crinkled and Yuuri was graced with the first genuine smile to reach those lips since they made the return to Japan.  “Thank you, Yuuchan!  I need this.”

 

“I know…I’ll help you with whatever you need.”

 

Victor smiled, tilting his head to one side and Yuuri could see the excited tapping of his toes.  “I’ll let you finish unpacking.”  And then he was gone, half skipping out the door.

 

* * *

  
  


Minako and Mari returned with the shopping, and everyone pitched in to prepare their meal that evening.  After an enjoyable, and long dinner together, the party separated with everyone retreating into their own spaces.  Mari and Minako curled up their legs on the sofa facing each other as they talked softly about their plans for the week.  The bodyguards took the abandoned dining table to work on the duty schedules and contacted their own family members.  Yuuri took some quiet time in his room.  Victor also left for the comfort of his own room and curled up to nap around Makkachin, picking up his book and reading it sleepily during brief waking periods.

 

The evening shadows grew long and people eventually all retreated to their rooms as darkness settled.  Victor’s eyes popped open and he felt disoriented, tensing up.  Makkachin nosed up to Victor’s face trying to settle him down but Victor couldn’t find any quiet in his mind.  This space wasn’t familiar and he felt disconnected.  Finally, he whispered to Makka, “Take me to Yuuri.”  The poodle “boofed” softly in reply and jumped down from the bed.  Victor followed him around the corner of the door into the next room.  Yuuri had left the door open for him and slept quietly.  Victor shifted back and forth.  He hadn’t been in this place for a long time, coming to Yuuri’s side in the middle of the night.  He reached down and tentatively touched Yuuri’s hand.

 

Yuuri fluttered his eyes open to see the concern on the young Russian’s face.  Sitting up, he murmured, “What’s wrong, Vitya?”

 

“I can’t settle down.  This place is too unfamiliar.”

 

Yuuri considered his words and remembered that Victor had felt the same way in the hospital.  The rest of the places they stayed at were connected to Victor in some way, and felt familiar.  “How can I make you feel more comfortable?” Yuuri asked, not wanting to cross any lines.

 

Victor chewed his lip, his silver hair falling long and tangled to his hip.  “Will you…brush my hair?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Of course.  Settle down in that chair while I get a brush and hair band.”

 

Yuuri soon returned and began the slow strokes to detangle his mop.  Victor sat rigid, pulling at his ear, touching his neck, tapping his foot nervously.  As Yuuri eased the tangles out, he talked about the times he stayed in this apartment in the past, his grandfather indulging him much to his mother’s dismay, his sister going away to attend Tokyo University.  He could see the surprised arch in Victor’s eyebrow, and he smiled conceding that she didn’t last long, returning home to run the family business instead.  Yuuri admitted that his sister opted to finish her business degree online where she didn’t have to deal with the immaturity of people her age, earning a soft laugh from the man in front of him.  Tying off Victor’s braid, he rested his fingers on the younger man’s shoulders.  The tension had slowly lessened.

 

Victor remained still, unsure of himself.  Finally, he looked towards Yuuri, his expression vulnerable.  “Can I…I want to sleep here, Yuuchan.  With you.  I feel safe with you.”

 

“Vitya,” he whispered, “You are always welcome at my side, sweetheart.  I just want it to be your choice.”

 

Victor nodded.  Yuuri held out his hand and the younger man took it following him to bed.  Yuuri moved back towards the wall and Victor found shelter in the space made for him wrapped up in the heavy quilts.  “Thank you, Yuuri.  I was afraid…because I asked for space.”

 

“You don’t have to be afraid, Vitya.  I was only waiting for you to return to me when you were ready.”

 

“I don’t know about when we return to Hasetsu…but while we are here, I need to be next to you.”

 

Yuuri brushed a kiss against his head.  “Whatever you need, love,” he murmured.

 

* * *

  
  


Celestino arrived the next morning, after settling in and taking a short nap, he was ready to watch Yuuri skate.  Victor stood next to the Italian coach and watched him call corrections out to Yuuri.  He would have stayed there indefinitely but Mari and Minako arrived and dragged him away talking about some shops they should check out.  “We’ll have him home by dinner,” they called out to Yuuri.

 

The coach watched them leave.  After the rink cleared, he turned back to Yuuri.  “Have you decided what you are doing for your free skate?”

 

Yuuri pulled up next to the barrier.  “I have.  I just hope Victor is okay with it.”

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to go with the other?”

 

“I’m saving it…for the right moment.  He’s not there yet.”

 

The Italian coach shook his head but a smile played at his lips.  “I would have never taken you for a romantic soul.  So for your exhibition?”

 

“I’ve made some modifications to  _ Lost Boy _ .  Now, let’s see if I have this free skate program down.”  He moved into position and had signaled the coach to play the music.  Familiar sound met familiar music as he moved through the program.

 

That evening, Mari left with two of the bodyguards to take care of some of her grandfather’s business.  Minako talked Celestino into joining her at a bar just down the street.  The other bodyguards were scarce, leaving Yuuri and Victor alone, but secure in the condo.

 

“I swear they do this on purpose,” Yuuri observed, a blush tinging his cheeks.

 

Victor smiled shyly accepting the cup of tea Yuuri had made for him.  “I’m okay with it.  They took me to so many shops earlier.  I’m ready for the quiet.”

 

“Did you find anything you liked?”

 

Victor shrugged.  “Maybe,” he dodged, a secret smile touching his lips.  “They wanted to take me for lunch for my birthday although it’s a little early.  I didn’t have the heart to tell them that in Russia we only celebrate it on the single day.”

 

“It will be a practice day on your birthday between short and free.  Perhaps after the rink I can take you  to do something special.”

 

“Only if you are up to it.  I don’t want you to overtire yourself,” Victor insisted.

 

The evening wore on and they found themselves in bed talking in the quiet darkness of Yuuri’s room.  Victor stared at the ceiling.  “Yuuri, I’m worried…what if I can’t…what if I can’t have sex?  Where does that leave us?”

 

Yuuri reached down and slipped his hand into Victor’s, lifting those fingers to his lips.  “I never entered into this relationship for sex.  I enjoy it…with you.  But the intimacy I crave is when we are together like this.  Holding you close to me, talking with you, listening to your voice as you read to me or tell me about your day.  Those are the things that matter to me.”

 

“But what if it’s never,” Victor insisted, chewing on his lip, uncertainty filling his body.

 

Yuuri sighed, tightening his arms around Victor.  “First of all, Vitya, I don’t think it will be never.  We may need to adjust the level of intimacy you are comfortable with but I don’t think it will be never.  Second, if it is, so be it.  Just let me be with you.  Let me stay close to you.  That’s all I need.”

 

Victor chewed his lip even as he reached for Yuuri’s hand.  “I...want more.  I’m just afraid.  And...what if you decide that you want more?  And I’m just stuck.”

 

Yuuri could hear all of the worries and concerns, uncertain what to address first.  “I want you to understand that I’m not going to leave you.  You are my most important person.”  He watched Victor nod in the half-light provided by the moon and some of the city’s light pollution.  “There is a difference in want and need.  I  _ want  _ all of you.  I  _ need  _ this, though...this intimacy where we talk and exist in one another’s presence.”

 

“How do I bridge the gap?  How do I move from dealing with just our needs, to our wants?”

 

Yuuri considered his words as he took his free hand and tucked a loose strand behind Victor’s ear.  “Start with your wants, first.”  Victor turned towards him to protest but Yuuri touched his lips.  “Shhh...listen, love.  My wants can wait.  This is about you.  You have closed yourself off.  You need to give yourself time.  And during that time, give yourself permission to get in touch with your body.  You need to relearn what you want, you need to become familiar with what feels good to you.”

 

“What if nothing feels good?” he whispered and Yuuri could feel heat coming off of his body and knew the younger man was flushed with embarrassment but hiding in the cover of darkness.  

 

“It will...in time.”  Yuuri ran his hand down the back of Victor’s head, around his neck to trace the line of his chin.  “But know this.  You are beautiful.”  Yuuri lifted the hand tangled into his fingers and brushed a kiss over them.  “Engaging,” he whispered, tracing his thumb over Victor’s lips and feeling them part under his touch.  “Graceful,” he murmured, sliding his hand down Victor’s neck and along Victor’s arm.  “Exquisite,” he whispered, both hands moving up to cup Victor’s face.  He could hear Victor’s shallow breathing.  The younger man leaned forward and Yuuri captured the offered kiss, lingering their lips together, keeping the kiss soft and on the surface.  Victor sighed softly in the release.  “Never doubt that I want you.  But also never doubt that you are enough.”

 

* * *

  
  


The next morning as Victor and Yuuri sat across the bar drinking coffee, they both turned towards Celestino’s door as Minako stumbled into the room.  Raising eyebrows, she met their eyes and shrugged.  “I’m just going to…” she trailed off then pointed toward the bathroom.

 

Celestino came out minutes later and fell under the scrutiny of the two skaters.  “We’re adults,” he stated as if that explained it all before turning to go back into his room.

 

Victor turned to look at Yuuri.  Yuuri grinned over his coffee.  “I’ve suspected there was a thing between them for years,” he confessed.

 

“Minako and Celestino…I wonder how long,” Victor murmured, a small giggle bubbling up.  Yuuri just shrugged and returned his grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be the first to admit I didn't look up to see where Nationals were during this time frame. I did look up the Japanese Language Proficiency exam. 
> 
> So what's on our minds?


	53. Lift Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Japanese Nationals and Victor's birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the edits, [Magrathea](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Magrathea/pseuds/Magrathea) and [BluSkates](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BluSkates/pseuds/BluSkates). 
> 
> If you haven't read their works, they are both working on two excellent current projects.   
> BluSkates - [Memories are the Only Real Ghosts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11554047/chapters/25949061), a teacher AU that introduced me to Douglas.  
> Magrathea - [The Longest Hours](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11770173/chapters/26534583), a story about two men trying to prevent the other from jumping.

* * *

 

[ Lift Me Up ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUkqmlVQvUc)

 

The sad tones of [ Chain of Memories](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1EVoAaJFbE) filled the arena as Yuuri skated across the ice in melancholy. This was his life before Victor.  He longed for him, but didn’t know how to reach for him.  Yuuri lowered his torso and extended his leg out into a back spiral, stretching his body taut, demonstrating his anguish at being torn.  His hand were open, reaching out for Victor as he sped across the ice, but remained empty.  He climbed as far as he could but Victor was still out of reach.  He drowned into his thoughts and a part of him became stagnant.  Stepping out into a series of back-crossovers he slowly extended out his leg into spin position, keeping the free leg out for three spins.  He would be off-center, but that was all the better.  Without Victor he was just a spinning top, off-center.  Crouching down into a sit spin he tucked his head to his chest, he could feel the love from his family but sometimes it overwhelmed him.  Surrounded by the love of friends and family, he couldn’t help worrying that he had lost what he never found.  Regardless of all the love from his family, he knew his life was missing Victor.  Even as he could feel himself flying into his third quad, he felt the anchor tying him to the ground, the loss of not having Victor in his life, of never having him at all.  He lowered into a forward lunge, inverted his foot to spin once and extended the leg out for the final position, folding his body into a closed off stance, his expression melancholy.

 

The crowd was still, frozen in the moment.  Then the first hesitant claps began before the arena erupted.  Yuuri smiled as he skated his bows before moving towards the entrance to the kiss and cry.  Victor was waiting for him and handed him his guards before he stepped off the ice.  Yuuri dragged him back to sit with him, his arm slipping around the younger man’s waist even as his coach took a seat on the other side of him.  Yuuri’s eyes widened as the score went up.  It wasn’t a personal best, he hadn’t broken his record.  But he was close.

 

Celestino smiled encouragingly.  “You skated brilliantly, Yuuri.  It is good to see you back on the ice again.”

 

“Thanks, coach.   And thank you for working with me over the distance.  I needed to be home.”

 

“You are advanced enough you don’t need me to hold your hand through the day to day.  Besides you have Victor here.  He’s got a good eye.”

 

Victor blushed.  He had caught himself automatically calling out corrections the previous day during practice before he backed off.  Celestino did not seem upset, though, and encouraged him to continue stating that two sets of eyes couldn’t hurt.

  
  


* * *

 

 

The next day was Victor’s birthday and the blonde woke to a delicious and somewhat familiar smell from the kitchen.  Victor crept out of Yuuri’s room and peeked into the open living space.  Minako and Mari were sitting at the bar watching Yuuri cook with doubt in their eyes.  “Are you sure it’s supposed to look like that?” Mari asked doubtfully.

 

“I don’t know,” Yuuri’s voice came across frustrated.  Victor hung back still unspotted, watching the scene unfold.  “You could at least cut up the fruit,” he pointed out.

 

“This is your thing, Yuuri.  I’m just here to watch you crash and burn,” Mari assured him.

 

Minako laughed.  “You are so encouraging.  He will appreciate the effort, Yuuri.”

 

“What are you making?” Victor asked unable to remain hidden any longer.

 

Yuuri huffed in frustration, blowing a little hair out of his face.  He was covered in flour, and some batter was smeared across his cheek.  “I asked Yakov and Lilia what to make you for your birthday.  They suggested [ blinis](http://natashaskitchen.com/2013/02/09/russian-crepes-with-cheese-a-video-tutorial/) .   So…that is what I’m...attempting?”  He turned to the stack, frowning.  “I’m probably failing miserably.”

 

Victor tilted his head to one side.  “They don’t look too bad.  Just a little thick.  They should be more like crepes than pancakes.”

 

Yuuri pouted.  “I followed the recipe.”

 

“Sometimes you have to finesse the recipe.  It’s supposed to be a thinner consistency.”  Victor smiled, coming up to Yuuri’s side to add a touch more liquid.  Whisking the batter quickly he smiled in satisfaction and poured a small amount into the pan swirling it to spread the batter.  After it browned he loosened it and flipped it over before helping it to release.  “There.  Like that.”  He then folded it into quarters and scooted it out of the pan.  Do you have a filling?”

 

Yuuri huffed.  “I was supposed to be making it for you.  Because it’s  _ your  _ birthday,” he whined, handing him the cream cheese mixture.

 

Victor laughed.  “Well, you did technically make pancakes,” he suggested.  “It’s very thoughtful of you.”  Victor spread the mixture down the blini and rolled it.  “That’s the whole thing.  Do you want to try?”

 

Yuuri dipped the liquid into the pan.  “Not too much,” Victor cautioned, lightly touching Yuuri’s hand to stop his movements.  “Now twirl it.”  Yuuri felt the light touch on his arm as he imitated Victor’s movement and watched the liquid spread.  Returning it to the heat, he waited for it to be time to turn.  Victor pointed out the timing was only about a minute.  Then Yuuri had it on a plate rolling up the filling.  Turning, he presented it to Victor, his cheeks blushed pink.

 

Victor smiled warmly, his eyes dancing as he accepted the gift.  Taking a fork, he cut into the flakey crust and brought it to his lips.  He smelled it first, closing his eyes, then opened his mouth to place it on his tongue.  Yuuri could see the pleasure in his face.

 

Yuuri watched him in fascination, the way he used so many senses to enjoy the food.  “So…not a total disaster?”

 

Victor’s eyes open and he winked.  “Nothing a little practice wouldn’t improve.   It tastes wonderful, though.  Thank you so much!”

 

He placed the failures on the counter before Minako and Mari.  “You get pancakes…for your questionable support.”  He returned to the pan and finished off making another half dozen blinis over the next five minutes.  Victor stepped in and filled them as they come off the pan.  Victor did have mercy on the two ladies and slipped them a plate holding a couple of blinis.  Yuuri side-eyed him and muttered “traitor” under his breath, receiving a giggle in reply.

 

* * *

  
  


Celestino took Yuuri to the rink after breakfast and they worked much later than Yuuri had planned.  He returned home to find Victor curled up with a book waiting for his return.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t know I’d be gone so long.  I was fighting a jump and Celestino wanted to make sure I had it.”

 

Victor smiled warmly.  “It’s fine, Yuuri.  I said if you had time.  I’m sure this won’t be the only time we come to Tokyo.  And besides, you made me blinis…and that was the best birthday present I’ve received in a long time.”

 

Yuuri snuggled in beside him.  “What are you reading?”

 

“Bronte…Jane Eyre.”

 

Yuuri smiled, closing his eyes.  “Will you read to me?”

 

Victor picked up the book and began where he left off.

 

_ “Jane, be still; don't struggle so like a wild, frantic bird, that is rending its own plumage in its desperation." _

 

_ "I am no bird; and no net ensnares me; I am a free human being, with an independent will; which I now exert to leave you.” _

 

He continued reading aloud until he heard the even breathing of his partner.  Closing the book, he smoothed Yuuri’s hair from his face.  “You are good to me.  I may be a free human being.  I may have an independent will.  But I have no desire to leave you,” he murmured softly.  “Let me be wild and show you the beauty of that wildness.  Let me touch the sky even if it means my wings melt away…and catch me as I descend to the earth.  That’s what I ask of you.”

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri skated out to his place on the ice.  Victor watched him but didn’t catch the announcer’s words because they were in Japanese.  It wasn’t until the opening strains of the song began that he realized Yuuri was skating to [King](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU), t[h](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)e v[e](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)r[y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU) [s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)o[n](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)g t[h](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)a[t](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU) [Y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)u[u](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)r[i](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU) [h](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)a[d](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU) [c](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)h[o](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)s[e](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)n f[o](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)r h[i](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)m[.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU)  It was a different version with a masculine singer.  But still, the same song.  A series of emotions vibrated through the younger skater.  He watched and realized Yuuri had a different choreography that changed the focus of his movements.  The moves, jumps and sequences all spoke to someone outside of the skater, contrasting Victor’s internalized representation.  Yuuri had turned the skate into a letter to Victor encouraging him to continue moving forward.  As he finished, he reached out towards Victor.

 

Yuuri watched Victor uncertain how the other man was responding.  Victor took a hesitant step, then another, that was all Yuuri needed, he took off and found himself skating to the other man’s arms.  Victor met him at Kiss and Cry and Yuuri could see the tears streaking down the other man’s cheeks.

 

“Vitya,” he whispered, nervously taking the guards his coach handed him.  Celestino backed away, moving towards the waiting area and giving them their privacy.

 

Victor shoved the tears back, sniffing.  He then reached for Yuuri’s hand.  “Why?”

 

“Because…you deserved to finish it.  You deserved to skate it in the Final.  You deserved to skate it in your Nationals.  And this was the only thing I could think of to tell you…that you should be king, that you are worthy of that place, that no matter what they did to you, they can’t take that from you.”

 

“You really think I could have won?”  Victor couldn’t seem to control the tremor in his lip.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I skated…in your place.  Because you couldn’t.”

 

“It was different, you changed the focus, the choreography has shifted, the elements…”

 

“I did…because I wanted it to be a message for you.  I…talked to Yakov about it.  He wasn’t sure how you would respond.  Are you…mad?”

 

Victor sniffed then slowly shook his head.  “N-no.  What does this mean?  I’m supposed to skate it in the Euros.”

 

Yuuri quickly reassured him.  “I have something else ready…for when we meet again on the ice.  I won’t skate the same program on the same ice.  I promise.”

 

They walked towards Celestino.  Yuuri sat next to his coach pulling Victor down to sit next to him.  He wasn’t worried about the score, to be honest.  But the score easily put him in first.  He earned his place to move to 4CC.  Looking at Celestino, he grinned.

 

Celestino raised an eyebrow.  “I’ll meet you there with Phichit.”

 

“Thank you,” Yuuri stated appreciatively.

 

Back home, Celestino packed, preparing for his next flight.  Nationals kept him hopping from one place to another.  Yuuri sent gifts back for Phichit and the others and thanked him for coming.

 

The coach patted him on the back.  “One day I’ll retire.  Maybe I’ll retire to Japan.”

 

“I suppose there could be incentive,” Yuuri teased.

 

“A good bar and a good woman, perhaps.”  The old coach winked before walking back to his room.

 

The next day Yuuri skated to his exhibition, a fresh rendition of  _ Lost Boy _ .  In the end, though, they were all ready to return to Hasetsu and a tired and weary lot climbed on board the plane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've loved these fluffy bits! Keep talking to me.


	54. Back from the Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor is finally cleared to skate.
> 
> Trigger Warning: Past abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this a while back and had to reread it to see where I'm at. This has some angst in it.
> 
> Thanks so much to my friends, readers and editors BluSkates and Magrathea. And thank you to all of you who are still reading my stories. I appreciate all of you.

* * *

 

[ Back from the Edge ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9vKw1_g-9s)

  


Victor excitedly tied on his skates.  Full clearance.  Yuuri and Yakov were having him work through each element, starting with the basics and moving forward.  Euros was a month away.  He had so much work to do but work felt good.  His skates sang as he hit the ice, pushing his body to get ready.

 

He worked on rebuilding his skills in the morning, running through his choreography in the afternoon.  Then he joined Minako at her studio and she helped him with his flexibility while Yuuri worked a little longer on the ice.  Yuuri would then leave the ice, satisfied with his own sequences to rejoin Victor, sinking into a split and stretching.

 

“I can’t believe you can still do that,” Victor giggled.  “Most of the skaters I know start losing their flexibility as they advance through their seniors.”

 

Yuuri looked up with a teasing sharpness.  “Are you calling me old?  Victor, you’ve wounded me!”

 

Victor’s mouth fell open in surprise.  “N-no, of course not,” he protested.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “I _am_ aging out.  I know this.  I’m just trying to hold on until the next Olympics, but my body is already feeling it.  I still have the flexibility because I work at it.  I love to dance and skate.  I take care of myself so that I can continue to enjoy the ice into my forties, perhaps my fifties.  But competitively, the clock is ticking.”

 

“You’re only four years older than me.”

 

“Which gives you four more years than me if you want it.”

 

He thought about those words.  “What if I don’t?  What if I want to retire sooner?  Is that...okay?”

 

Yuuri studied him.  “I will support any decision you make but if you announce you are retiring tomorrow, I’m going to challenge you to make sure you really want to retire.”

 

“Maybe not tomorrow...but I’m not sure I want to skate until I can’t.  Maybe twenty-five or twenty-six.”  He sighed wistfully.  “It would be nice to go out with a gold or two, though.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor closed his eyes as he undressed, dropping his clothes into the hamper with practiced ease.  A robe remained within reach.  He could find his way into the shower and never catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror.  He pushed the curtain back and slipped under the stream.  It wasn’t until the curtain fell back into place that he opened his eyes.  Blinking, he adjusted to the water raining down upon him.

 

The temperature was warm, embracing him like a lover.   He went through the motions to wash his hair, to clean his skin, they were clinical movements just to get the job done.  Once clean, he leaned against the wall of the shower.  He heard Yuuri.  He heard Hashimoto.  Both of them encouraged him to rediscover pleasure in his own time.

 

His hand shook as he ran his hand over his chest and abdomen.  Just to reacquaint himself.  He felt the first tear fall.  It was hot against his skin, burning a trail down his cheek.  He reached down and held himself, giving one stroke.  Sniffing back, he tried to force himself forward, focusing on memories of Yuuri, of how the Japanese man would lovingly touch him, would use his touch only in tenderness and pleasure.  But then Mikhail intruded.

 

He remembered being tied up...more than once.  His arms suspended over his head.  Mikhail stroking him to the edge then releasing him, leaving him writhing in frustrated pain.  He could hear his voice desperately begging him to stop, to finish, to let him go.  It would go on for hours accompanied by other tortures.  Mikhail would tell him he liked it, he liked the paddle, he liked the crop, he liked having his hair pulled.  Just like all of the scenes, it was Mikhail telling him what he liked while he tortured him, while he layered pain upon pain telling Victor it was pleasure.

 

Nausea buckled his knees.  The world began to pitch and he fell dizzily to the floor.  Water splashed around him.  He had to get up.  He edged himself up, his hands shaky.

 

Yuuri found Victor curled up in the corner of the shower, his knees to his chest, the water still hitting him, leaving him bedraggled.  Turning the water off, the older man grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Victor.  “Shhh...it’s okay, Vitya.  I’ve got you.  You’re safe.”

 

Victor allowed himself to be taken to Yuuri’s room.  He watched in disconnect as Yuuri pulled his arms through the sleeves of his shirt.  Yuuri spoke soothing phrases as he tucked Victor into the blankets.  Victor turned on his side, staring towards the shadows in the room.  He felt something pressed into his arms.  Looking down, he saw the bunny.  A snuffle told him that Makkachin was near and then the poodle stretched her comforting weight on Victor’s legs.  An arm wrapped around his waist pulling him securely against Yuuri’s chest.

 

A small voice finally found words.  “I’m scared, Yuuri.  I want to be better, but I don’t know if I can.  What if I’m damaged beyond repair?”

 

“We all have scars, Vitya.  We all have monsters in our closet.  You can’t fight them all at once, though Vitya.”

 

“I was trying...trying to remember pleasure.  But he intruded.  He was there in the middle of my thoughts.”

 

Yuuri kissed the top of his head.  “Give yourself time.  If you aren’t ready, then wait.  There are things...that I can’t do.”

 

“H-he tied me up, Yuuri.  He tortured me with sex.  He used things on me.  He told me they felt good.  All I felt was pain.  What if sex is pain?  What if I can’t tell the difference any longer?”  His breath hitched.

 

Yuuri’s fingers slid down his arms, grounding him with words and touch.  “When we were together...before.  Was that pain?”

 

Victor dashed his fingers to his cheeks shoving away tears.  “N-no...I tried to focus on that.  B-but then he was there.”

 

Yuuri could hear the edge of hysteria in the younger man’s voice.  Focusing on his own, he made sure he kept his words even, reassuring.  “Until you conquer your monster, he’ll still be there in your thoughts, Vitya.  Just remember, it isn’t all pain.  I won’t hurt you.”

 

“You won’t hurt me,” Victor repeated under his breath.

 

“That is your hope, _anata_.  You may not find pleasure today, or tomorrow, or even a month from now.  But at some point, the pain will fade.  And when you are ready, then we can come together.  And...I will always come for you, I will always hold you.”

 

Victor turned in Yuuri’s arms, burying himself into his shoulder.  “Keep me safe.”

 

“You are safe,” Yuuri reassured him.  Yuuri held him and minutes passed.  He heard Victor’s breathing even out.  He thought the younger man was asleep when he felt a flutter of lashes against his neck.  “Are you okay?”

 

“I think...I am having a bad day.  I think...I should not have pushed myself on a bad day.”

 

“What does Hashimoto tell you to do on bad days?”

 

“To realize that things won’t get done and that’s okay.  Just focus on the have-to’s.  To allow the feelings and focus on self care.  Do what I need until I’m at a place where I can do the wants, to write in my journal, to dance, to skate.”

 

“What do you need right now?”

 

“I need...Yuuri.  I just want to curl up and listen to your heartbeat, to feel safe.  Is that okay?”

 

“I’m here for you as long as you need me, Vitya.”  Yuuri clutched Victor tightly with Victor’s cheek pressed to his chest.

 

It may have been five minutes, it may have been an hour.  Finally, Victor stirred in his arms.  “Can we take a walk?  Maybe along the beach?”

 

“Of course.”

 

They walked along the sand.  Victor would pause every so often and stare out at the ocean.  Finally, he spoke.  “How do I rediscover pleasure?”

 

Yuuri considered Victor’s question.  “Start with something attainable.  You can find pleasure on the ice.  You can explore an old interest, a new interest.  Something that brings you joy.  Spend time with someone that makes you happy, a friend, Makkachin, me.  And give yourself permission to be still, to feel the simplicity of the moment.”

 

“None of that has to do with sex,” Victor pointed out.

 

Yuuri tilted his head thoughtfully.  “Yes and no.  Learning to feel, to relax, to find peace.  You told me that I have to be at peace before I could move forward.  The same is true for you.  Find your peace first, Vitya.  I’m here.  I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Victor leaned against Yuuri’s shoulder.  “Sometimes it feels like so much...it’s so overwhelming.”

 

“I used to get overwhelmed with the crowds when I skated.  I had to learn to change my perspective, my focus.  So I would select one person and skate for them.  If you look at the whole picture, it can be overwhelming.  So narrow your focus, look for something along the edge and work your way in.”

 

Victor considered those words.  “So...focus on skating for now.”

 

“That’s a good place to start.  The other stuff...it will happen.  You are going to be working on them in the background.  But give yourself permission to shift focus, to put it away, so you don’t become overwhelmed.”

 

“I think...that would help.”  He chewed his lip.  “I don’t think...I dealt with everything before.  I just...I wanted you.”

 

“Vitya, I want you, too.  But you don’t have to rush.  I’m not going anywhere.  I’m here for you.”

 

Victor frowned, drawing a ragged breath.  “This is going to take so much longer.”

 

“I know.  Come, love, let’s go home.  We can cuddle in the hot springs since it’s after hours.”

 

“I think...I’d like that.”

  


* * *

  


Research:

 

[ The Bad Days ](http://beatingtrauma.com/2016/07/27/the-bad-days/)

[ Dealing with the Effects of Trauma - A Self-Help Guide ](http://www.unh.edu/pacs/dealing-effects-trauma-%E2%80%93-self-help-guide)

[ Traumatic Stress:  Tips for Recovering After a Traumatic Event ](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/traumatic-stress.htm)


	55. Fight Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor goes to Euros.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the edits, BluSkates and Magrathea.

* * *

 

[ Fight Song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc)

 

**European Figure Skating Championships, Stockholm, Sweden**

 

Working to get ready for competition left little personal time.  Victor’s days were absorbed by therapy and training, Yuuri working right along his side.  Finally, they traveled to the Euros.

 

Victor stood nervously next to Yuuri as he waited for his turn to skate.  “What if I don’t do well?  I had over a month off from practice.”  He shook his hands and he chewed on his lip.  What worried Yuuri the most was his breathing, which was becoming erratic as the younger skater worked himself up.

 

Yuuri took the pale hands in his and began to soothe the agitation, rubbing circles with his thumb.  “Breathe with me, Vitya.  You are going to be beautiful out there.  So very beautiful.  I believe in you.”

 

Victor took deep breaths and released them slowly with Yuuri until he rested his forehead to Yuuri’s shoulder.  “Thank you,” he whispered.

 

Yuuri continued to help Victor loosen up until it is his turn and he’s out on the ice.  Victor met Yuuri at the boards.  “Show me your Eros, Vitya,” Yuuri murmured.

 

Victor’s lips parted, surprised at the feeling curling up in him.  On impulse, he leaned forward and brushed his lips over Yuuri’s before answering, “Don’t take your eyes off of me.”  Then with a wink, he flounced the half skirt as he skated across the ice and into his starting position.

 

[ _ On Love: Eros _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUDR2bflM1s) began its tease with the Spanish guitar soon joined by the demanding violin in a rousing flamenco.  Victor allowed the music to overtake him as he told the story pairing seduction against love.   _ The beauty had been seduced by the idea of love, drawn in by flirtation and promises.  Caught in the playboy’s snare, the beauty felt trapped, unable to escape.  Then someone stepped into view and showed them a way out, showed them another form of love.  Victor struggled at first, torn between what was and what could be, then the beauty eventually seeing the seduction for what it was, he tossed it aside, skating towards the promise of more.  Except, something goes wrong and he’s snared once more.  His escape is a struggle but when he finds his way free, he wraps his arms around him closing himself off. _

 

The audience was quiet, not expecting the darker interpretation, and the haunted expression on the tormented skater.  He lifted his arms up releasing his stance, turning slowly on the ice, uncertain.  The first initial claps filtered through the crowd until it crescendoed into a deafening roar.  Victor found his smile, shy and awkward as he tilted his head to one side, that sweet innocence was his trademark.  He kicked off and skated the circle for his bows before turning to Yuuri who waited for him in the kiss and cry.   _ What must he be thinking?  I changed the story!  _

 

As he drew near, his movements slowed.  Yuuri opened his arms and waited for him.  As Victor found his way into the older man’s arms.  “Yuuri, I couldn’t skate it as it was...the story didn’t feel true.”  The words tumbled out as he took the guards, hiding his face as he slipped them onto his skates.

 

“Vitya?” 

 

The younger man drew a shuddering breath and stood, waiting for Yuuri.  

 

“You were breathtaking.  Yes, you interpreted it differently but that’s you opening up to your own artistic expression.  It will be tempered by  _ your  _ experiences.  And the finished product...nothing less than breathtaking.”

 

Victor blushed as he allowed himself to be led to the bench to await their scores.  Even after all of Victor’s trials, his hands flew up in surprise, coming together in an almost loose prayer before his lips as tears started to fall.  He didn’t know what the final outcome would be, but this was another personal best for him.  He threw his arms around Yuuri.  “Thank you, Yuuri, for always believing in me.”

 

“You are beautiful, Vitya.  I just helped you find it.  Now, let’s go find Chris and Lawrie.”

 

* * *

  
  


Chris and Lawrie invited Victor and Yuuri to dinner.  Victor who had been too nervous to eat much more than minimum requirements made up for it as he enjoyed the Swedish meatballs.  They chatted in a rather lively manner, Victor feeling a high from his final standings of fourth place at the end of the evening.  Chris was just one place ahead in third, their scores quite close.  

 

“I’m amazed you have done so well,” Chris stated warmly.

 

Victor nodded as he finished another bite before answering, “I was really nervous right before I went out but Yuuri...he believed in me even when I struggled.”

 

“Yuuri has a magic touch like that,” Chris purred softly.

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes.  “I just tell you what you already know.”

 

“Don’t let him lie to you,” Chris teased.  “He’s always encouraged other skaters.  He wants to skate against them at their best.”

 

Yuuri shared a wry expression with Chris.  “I didn’t always encourage others.  But then someone let me know that my words could make or break another skater.  I...never wanted to be destructive.”

 

“Phichit,” Chris explained to Victor.  “Sometimes when Yuuri’s anxiety is not in a good place, his words come out harsh.  Those of us that love him have learned to separate his anxiety from the man.  But for someone that doesn’t know him, they could be affected by harsh words.  Phichit called Yuuri on it during a competition a few years back.”

 

“You’ve always encouraged me,” Victor stated with surprise, his fingers lacing into Yuuri’s.  

 

“I could never hurt you,” Yuuri rasped, squeezing Victor’s hand but looking away.  

 

Chris and Lawrie exchanged glances, soft smiles filling their expressions.  Chris murmured, “We all make rash mistakes in our youth.  Thankfully, life is forgiving and most of us find a way to escape.”

 

Victor met his hazel eyes and was surprised to see the pain within them.  Then he remembered the story Chris told him, how he was rescued.  His lips parted in surprise.  Even though Chris had a difficult beginning, he found love and it held true.  Victor knew he also had love.   Unconditional love.

 

His eyes kept straying to Chris and Lawrie as they walked back.  He had never really thought of their relationship.  Now he could see how Lawrie protected the other man but accepted him wholly as himself.  He could also see the signs of their intimacy in small touches and the closeness they quietly shared.  Perhaps...Chris would know how he could move past this.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri disappeared into the shower after they arrived at their room.  Victor pulled out his phone and texted the Swiss.

 

**Victor/ Thanks for dinner, Chris.  Can we talk?**

 

**Chris/ Of course.**

 

Victor’s fingers stuttered trying to figure out how to start before deciding to go to the heart of the matter.

 

**Victor/ I am freaked out by sex.**

 

There was a pause and Victor started to panic when he started to see the dots indicating a reply was in the works.

 

**Chris/ Understandable.  You’ve seen the harsh side of sex.  But...I believe you’ve also seen the beauty.**

 

**Victor/ I was starting to move forward...then M took me again.  Now I can’t shake the shadows.  Even shadows from before.**

 

**Chris/ When I first met Lawrie, I still had to deal with the residual effects from the abuse of my previous relationship.  It was hard to trust.  But Lawrie was patient with me and gave me time to find my feet.  We focused on building trust in other ways long before things became sexual.**

 

**Chris/ Most people think the D/s lifestyle is about sex.  It’s about trust.  Then again, so is good sex.**

 

**Victor/ Good sex?**

 

**Chris/** (he could hear the doubt and confusion in the text even if he couldn’t hear the young Russian’s voice) **Yes...the sex you get with someone that you love and truly loves you back.  It’s when they want to protect you and you them, when they are considerate of your needs over theirs.  I finally saw it in the aftercare Lawrie gave me after a scene that was nonsexual.**

 

**Victor/ But...I don’t want to do that.  I can’t face the ideas of bonds and…**

 

**Victor/ and pain.**

 

**Chris/ There are other ways to express yourself.  The point is, in caring for one another, you build trust through small acts that show the other you treasure them.  In the lifestyle and out.**

 

Victor considered those words in the context of the man lingering in the shower.

 

**Victor/ Like when Yuuri wraps me in a blanket when the world is imploding on me.**

 

**Chris/ Exactly like that.  I bet if you sat down and wrote all of the ways Yuuri showed his love for you it’d fill a book.**

 

**Victor/ But...what if I don’t show my love enough?**

 

**Chris/ We all express our love in different ways.  I can tell by the way that Yuuri regards you that he feels loved.  Still, you can always consciously choose ways to express that love as well.**

 

**Victor/ You’ve given me a lot to think about.  Thanks, Chris.**

 

**Chris/ Anytime.**

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor kept thinking about Chris’ words as he practiced the next day.  He never felt like he expressed his love for Yuuri enough.  Sure, there were spontaneous expressions, hugs, kisses, cuddles, handholding.  But he felt like he fell short when it came to conscious expression.  He had awakened to a  [ link  ](https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-it-together/201610/six-expressions-love) texted to him by Chris that discussed different expressions of love.  The original idea behind  _ Eros  _ was the physical expression of love.  He had changed the interpretation because he couldn’t express that at this point in his life.  Perhaps one day soon but not yet.

 

As they walked back to their hotel, Victor threaded his hand into Yuuri’s.  The other man glanced at him and smiled.  “Yuuri?”

 

“Yes, Vitya?”

 

“H-how can I show you best how I love you?”

 

Yuuri stilled and turned towards him slowly.  “I know you love me, Vitya,” he stated quietly.

 

Victor pouted.  “You aren’t listening to me.  I asked how can I  _ show  _ you.”

 

“You  _ do  _ show me.  Even little things like grabbing hold of my hand.  The way you come to me when you are afraid.  The way you trust me when you won’t trust anyone else.  The way you lean into my arms when you are drifting off asleep.  And how you run to me in excitement when you have news, like you can’t wait to tell me.”  He chuckled.  “Even the way you cleaned out my closet.  I know you love me because you show me in a million little ways everyday.”

 

Victor didn’t know he had started crying until he felt Yuuri’s thumb brush away her tears, Yuuri’s lips brushing across his.  “I never want you to feel like I don’t love you enough,” he murmured between tears.

 

“You are enough, Vitya, in every way.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

Victor skated into position for  [ _ King _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZeVx_9au5g) .  The original music, his choreography.  His eyes sought out and found Yuuri, who smiled and nodded his encouragement, his hand on his heart.  Victor answered by placing his own hand on his heart.

 

He glided across the ice showing Victor as the person he was before he knew love, when he felt lost.  This was his song, and he focused on how he had fought his monsters in the past and of late.  The winding of his doubt, the quiet defeat, then the slow blossoming of self.  Regaining his identity was a slow process and as he skated across the ice, he realized that it was firmly in place when he was taken from Yuuri, that Mikhail could not take this from him.  He felt the smile touch his lips.  He had monsters but he had what he needed to fight them.  As he finished facing Yuuri, he knew he also had a knight, a protector, a guardian.  However, he was the king of his life.

 

There was no hesitation in the applause this time.  The audience shouted their love with their applause.  Victor smiled, through joyful tears.  He skated in a circle scooping up a rose as he drew near the exit.  Approaching the exit, he pulled the rose to his lips and kissed it before handing it to Yuuri.  “Thank you...for all of this, Yuuri.  I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t continuously fight for me, with me.”

 

Victor didn’t care that he didn’t place.  In the end, the podium wasn’t important.  He stood close to the top at fifth place.  He was happy for his friends, though, watching Chris standing at the top with gold and Georgi on the third tier with bronze.  The Italian Michele Crispino pulled off the silver.  

 

The fans on exit seemed very pushy and Yuuri found himself wrapping a protective arm around Victor even as the two guards fell in beside them.  Akio pushed through the crowd.  Takeo had an arm around Victor opposite Yuuri.  As they fought their way through, all three trying to look for anything that would create distress, they watched the crowd surge and ebb.  They spotted the people with phones wanting selfies; they spotted the fangirls with tossies to hand off; they spotted younger skaters hoping to catch a glimpse.  They didn’t catch the fan that reached out, though, and wrapped a hand up into Victor’s hair.

 

Victor’s feet stilled, his body frozen, his face drained of color.  Beside him, Yuuri turned and immediately caught what happened.  Takeo quickly dislodged the hand ordering the fan to back off.  He fell in behind Victor as Akio fell into Takeo’s old position.  It took the three of them supporting the younger man to get him out and into safety.  Victor didn’t say a word, disconnected and lost within himself.

 

As they climbed into the car, Yuuri kept calling to him.  _  Vitya, Vitya… _  Victor could hear the words but it felt like it was so far away.  He was locked up inside his own nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?


	56. To be human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Standing in a puddle of hair...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sets out a boxes of tissues and chocolate and fuzzy blankets and puppies to cuddle and kitties to pet.
> 
> Thanks so much to Magrathea and BluSkates for helping me get this chapter in order and helping me to keep it together. I've known for a while that this was going to happen in the story. It's...I'm just very attached to my babies.

* * *

 

[ To Be Human ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-BcIkbedIc)

 

Yuuri shifted next to Victor, his eyes full of concern as he watched the man beside him.  The entire journey back to the hotel room had been a hurried fluster, during which Viktor didn’t utter a sound.  Now, safely back in their room, Yuuri became more concerned at the prolonged silence.  The younger man lay curled in his embrace, wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket, his long fingers grasping the stuffed bunny Douglas.  Yuuri’s fingers slid over Victor’s arms tenderly.  He was thankful he thought to bring these comforting items for his partner.  The younger man needed them to ground himself.

 

With slow, careful movements Yuuri moved from Victor’s side and tucked the covers around the other man.  Smoothing his silver hair, Yuuri noticed the burgeoning bruise.  Yuuri frowned.   _ He must have sustained this when we were pushing through the crowd or left over from a fall. _

 

He wrote a quick note and placed in the pillow in case Victor woke up in his absence.  Fingers flying in reply to Chris’ text, he quietly opened the door and tiptoed into the hall, an ice bucket tucked under his arm.  Two rooms down, Yuuri knocked on his friends’ door.

 

Chris poured a cup of coffee brewed in the room’s coffeepot.  Lawrie didn’t mince words and immediately asked, “How is he?”

 

Yuuri tightened his jaw, unable to mask his worry.  “Sleeping.  He was really upset.”

 

Chris studied his coffee as he thinned his lips.  “Has the hair thing been an issue before?” he inquired.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “For as long as I’ve known him, he’s stressed no hair pulling.  I think...Mikhail used his hair to control him.”  Yuuri dropped his eyes to the table.  “It’s been worse since…”  His words faded and he buried those thoughts in his coffee.  Making a face, he looked up at Chris.  “This is awful.”

 

Chris shrugged apologetically.  “Someone didn’t pack the coffee I planned to bring.”

 

Yuuri sighed.  “I should probably get back to our room.”  Dropping the cup in the trash, he continued down the hall lost in thought in search of the ice machine.  

 

* * *

  
  


Victor’s eyes fluttered open.  He immediately felt the definite disconnect between reality and his movements.  He tried to breathe through it, to pull everything back into alignment.

 

“Yuuri?” he called out but his voice sounded strange and distant as if belonging to someone else.  He shoved up out of bed and stumbled through the room to the bathroom.  Clumsily he fumbled the taps before splashing his face.

 

“Yuuri!” he called once more.  Silence answered him.  His hands jerked across the surface seeking something to ground him.  His fingers closed around something cold and metal.

 

Staring at the scissors, Victor’s lips parted.  They had to make a hasty repair to his costume earlier.  His disjointed thoughts aligned themselves into an idea.  Hair…

 

He stared into the mirror, his free hand pulling through a length of hair roughly smoothing it.  Stretching it taught, he made the first cut.

 

There was something fascinating, cathartic even, about watching those loose strands come free into his hands.  Opening his hand, he watched them fall to the floor.  He stared at the beginnings of the silver puddle.  Not taking his eyes away from the strands, he pulled another lock and snipped the scissors.  As if a switch flipped, his movements became more frenzied, the silver remnants floating around him, the puddle building around his feet.  He didn’t hear the outer door open and shut.

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri noticed right away the blankets shoved into a pile at the foot of the bed and winced.   _ I wasn’t here when you woke up.  _  A clatter drew his attention to the bathroom.

 

He approached the lit egress cautiously.  “Vitya?”  A whimper answered his query and Yuuri’s steps quickened.  Turning the corner, Yuuri’s lips parted as he took in the scene.

 

Victor peered up at him through uneven, ragged tresses.  Blood seeped through a cuts from where the scissors slipped staining his hair.  The scissors were gripped in the palm of his hand, resting on the counter but tense.  There was a franticness in the small frame.

 

Holding those blue eyes in his gaze, Yuuri slowly stepped forward as he cautiously reached out to close his hand over the scissors and gently dislodge them from Victor’s grip.  “Come with me, Vitya,” he guided softly.

 

Seating Victor on the sofa, he pulled his phone out.  “Lawrie, I need you now.”

 

His voice must have translated his urgency because Lawrie answered without hesitation, “We’re on our way.”

 

He lowered the phone, his free hand sliding comforting circles onto Victor’s back although he didn’t know if the other man was aware of his presence.  Shifting to unlock the door, he returned to Victor’s side.  Victor sat stiffly, studying his hands, fingertips to fingertips.  “I’m here, Vitya,” Yuuri stated softly, trying to reach the younger man, seeking to ground him with his words, with his touch.  “You’re safe.  You’re not alone…”  Yuuri continued to murmur assurances as he waited for the other two men.

 

Yuuri looked up as Chris and Lawrie entered the room but Victor didn’t move.  Chris’ eyes widened in surprise then turned to the door to school his expression.  Lawrie secured his professional mask as soon as he walked in, surveying the surroundings.

 

With practiced ease, Lawrie knelt down before Victor breaking his focus.  “Victor, where are you?”

 

Victor’s lips parted, his eyes blinking rapidly as he tried to sort out the words, tried to formulate an answer.  “Hotel,” he finally answered.

 

“Who’s with you?” Lawrie pressed, keeping his voice even and firm with authority.

 

Victor chewed his lip.  “Lawrie,” he breathed.  Reaching out beside him, he became aware of a hand running up and down his back.  A second hand threaded into his.  “Yuuri,” he whispered.  He stilled.

 

“Who else?” Lawrie prompted forcing Victor to look around and take in his surroundings.  It was then his eyes found Chris sitting in the chair across from him.

 

“Chris,” he murmured, reaching toward the Swiss.  Chris rose from his chair and came to his other side.

 

“You’re doing great,” Lawrie encouraged.  “Do you know why you are here?”

 

Victor blinked for a moment.  “Skating.”

 

“Very good.  Now, tell me what is happening now.”

 

Victor’s eyes dropped to the floor, then his hands, then he looked around him.  He seemed confused for a moment.  “I-I don’t know.  Why are you here?”

 

“Do you remember coming into the seating area?”

 

Victor wrinkled his forehead in concentration.  “I was asleep.  Then Yuuri...where were you, Yuuri?”  His hand tightened on Yuuri’s.

 

“I wasn’t far,” Yuuri explained.  “I went for some ice.”

 

“Okay,” Victor returned his focus to Lawrie.  “I woke up.  And everything felt...weird.”

 

“Weird how?” Lawrie asked.

 

Victor shrugged.  “Something about hair.”  He reached up and touched his hair, his eyes widened.  “My hair.”  His lip trembled.  “What did I do?”

 

Lawrie held his eyes calmly.  “It looks like you cut it.”

 

“How bad is it?  Let me see.”  Victor’s eyes began looking around the room for some sign of a mirror.

 

Lawrie took a deep breath.  Standing, he held out his hand.  Victor stared at it a moment before he released the other two he held.  Lawrie eased him to his feet.  Yuuri came up directly behind him, his hand resting on the small of Victor’s back.  They slowly guided him into the bathroom.

 

Victor’s eyes widened in shock when he saw the damage.  “I did this?”  His voice was small.  “I don’t remember.”  He slid his fingers down the jagged ends.  Pushing back some strands he could see cuts.  Turning to Yuuri, he implored, “What do I do?”

 

“We can fix this,” Yuuri assured him.  “It won’t be long but we can fix your hair.  Chris?”

 

“On it,” the Swiss answered, his phone out already looking for a stylist.

 

“Find someone discreet,” Lawrie suggested.  “Do you want to return to the sofa?”

 

Victor nodded slowly.  They sat together for the next half hour while Chris worked to find someone to handle the matter delicately and could also speak English or French.  Finally, he turned back to the other three.  “I have us an appointment.  She’s staying late.  I suggest...a hoodie of sorts?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Of course.”  Turning to Victor, he stated quietly, “I need to help you get dressed in street clothes now.  Do you want me to send Lawrie and Chris out?”

 

Victor shrunk inward a little but slowly shook his head.  “I might need them.”

 

“Can I leave you with Lawrie while I pick out your clothes?”

 

Victor grabbed hold of Lawrie’s hand and nodded.  The older man sat next to him and used his thumb to rub circles into the joint between thumb and forefinger.  Chris followed Yuuri and helped him select clothes that would not aggravate Victor in his condition but provide adequate cover.

 

It took all three of them to help Victor dress.  He seemed to struggle with the basic motor skills to accomplish the task and sometimes his actions were counterproductive.  Finally they had him in order.  Chris headed out ahead of them to grab his and Lawrie’s outerwear.  Yuuri pulled on his coat and scarf then helped Victor with his.  Both Lawrie and Yuuri helped him manage his shoes.

 

“Why can’t I do this?” Victor stressed in frustration.

 

Lawrie smiled encouragingly.  “It’ll come back.  When you dissociate it takes a bit to pull it back together.”

 

Chris waited with Akio and Takeo at the car when they came downstairs.  They all bundled inside, Chris taking the front seat communicating with the driver Akio.

 

The salon was one of the high-end trendy spots.  A pleasant and stylish woman stood waiting at the entrance and ushered them inside locking the door behind her.  “I am Maja,” she introduced.  “Come.”  She motioned them to follow her back to the sinks.  “I wash first.”  Her English was disjointed but she used motions to communicate where she lacked.  When they helped Victor take his coat and hoodie off, she turned to hide her reaction.  Chris smiled appreciatively.  Pulling on gloves, she selected a gentle shampoo.  “I use with children,” she explained.  She cleaned his hair and the cuts, gently removing the blood that had dried into his hair.  “Come.”  She motioned them to follow her to her chair.  She studied the cuts Victor had forced upon his hair, frowning as she considered her options.  Then her face lit up.  “I make you beautiful.  No worry.”

 

Victor grabbed hold of Yuuri’s hand and she began working the comb and scissors.  She cut diligently for over an hour, twisting her face thoughtfully as she moved around him, sometimes trading places with Yuuri.  When she backed up and turned him to face the mirror, she said, “You look.  Beautiful, see?”

 

Victor’s fingers touched his hair uncertainly.  The short cut with bangs over his left eye covered some of the minor scars he would self consciously cover with his hair.  He never had short hair even when he was young.  Looking at Yuuri for his reaction, he could see a soft smile.  “Is it...okay?”

 

Yuuri brushed a few strands behind his ear.  “You are beautiful, Vitya.  Every bit as beautiful as before.”

 

Victor found a soft smile.  He nodded sharply.  Turning to the stylist, he murmured shyly, “Thank you for taking care of me.”

 

“We have bad day.  I fix.  You are beautiful,” she assured him.

 

They each thanked her.  Helping Victor back into his hoodie and outerwear, they headed back.  Victor kept himself covered.  He wasn’t ready to deal with people.  Things were still confusing him and he felt a little afraid.

 

Back in the room, Yuuri’s friends took the chairs.  Yuuri sat on the end of the sofa and Victor laid down, resting his head in Yuuri’s lap feeling the comfort of Yuuri’s hand.

 

“So about travel,” Lawrie began.  “I’d like to change my flight to help out.”

 

“We both can change,” Chris stated.  “I want to make sure he gets home okay, too.”

 

Lawrie thinned his lips and met Yuuri’s eyes.  “I’ll call Hashimoto,” the Japanese man murmured.

 

“Why do you need to help?” Victor asked quietly.  His eyes were closed feeling Yuuri’s hands card through his hair but still listening.

 

“I am concerned that come morning you will still be confused.  Since tomorrow is a travel day and airports can be very overwhelming for you right now, I may need to sedate you.”  Lawrie remembered to keep his voice even, giving the information to the younger man as though he were talking of the weather.

 

Victor’s eyes fluttered open.  “You’ll take care of me?”  Lawrie nodded.  Turning to look at the others.  “All of you?”  The other two answered with affirmatives.  He closed his eyes.  “I will feel better at home.”

 

Again Yuuri and Lawrie exchanged glances.  “Vitya?  Are you okay if Chris sits with you?  Lawrie and I need to make some phone calls.”

 

Victor nodded, rising up shortly.  As Chris took Yuuri’s place he looked at them questioningly.  Lawrie mouthed, “I’ll explain later.”  The Swiss nodded and watched the other two leave as Victor’s head settled into his lap.  He resumed the soothing motion, carding his finger through the silky strands as he talked about some of the antics his cat’s antics.  Victor laughed softly at first but soon his breathing evened out and Chris knew he was sleeping.

 

In Lawrie and Chris’ room, Yuuri pulled out his phone and dialed the number to Hashimoto.  The psychiatrist agreed to meet them at his office after their flight landed.  Yuuri promised to text flight details.  Lawrie changed his and Chris’ flight plans and was thankful they could all find a place in first class.  He used his credentials to flag them for even earlier boarding.  It would be a long flight.  Victor’s mental state wouldn’t help matters.

 

Arrangements made, Yuuri finally stated aloud what they had been avoiding.  “He has to go into the hospital, doesn’t he?”

 

“It will speed up his recovery.”

 

“What do you think it is?”

 

“Based on his history and symptoms, brief reactive psychosis.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted, his face paled.  The words were frightening.

 

Lawrie continued.  “This particular psychosis could wrap up in as little as a week.  It could take as much as a month.  Victor already has a strong team on board, though, so I’m hoping it will take less time.  We just have to get him home.”

 

“What can I expect tonight?”

 

“Confusion.  These things get worse during the night.  He may fight you.  If you need to have him sedated, call me.  I’ve already had the script sent through by a colleague I contacted while at the salon.  I am heading out to pick it up when you return to your room.”

 

“And after?  Will he battle this his whole life?”

 

“No, not usually,” Lawrie assured him.  “If you have to have a psychosis, this is the one to have.  He’s reacting to the trauma.  The fan pulling his hair triggered him.  Now we just have to get him back on his feet.  And, Yuuri?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“He may never remember cutting his hair.  There may be other episodes as he goes back and forth that he doesn’t remember.”

 

“So...like when I drink.”

 

Lawrie smiled.  “That’s a good comparison.  Now, let’s get back to your room.  Chris can help you pack while I go to the pharmacy.”

 

“Thank you, Lawrie,” Yuuri murmured.

 

The older man patted him on the back.  “I’m glad I was here to help.”

  
  


Sources:

 

Dissociative Fugue

  * [A Case of Dissociative Amnesia with Dissociative Fugue and Treatment with Psychotherapy](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4578902/)
  * [What is Dissociative Fugue?](https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/dissociative-identity-disorder/what-is-dissociative-fugue-definition-symptoms-treatment/)



 

Brief Psychotic Breaks

  * [Brief Psychotic Breaks Remain a Mystery](https://www.livescience.com/53388-brief-psychotic-breaks-remain-a-mystery.html)
  * [Brief Psychotic Disorder Symptoms](https://psychcentral.com/disorders/brief-psychotic-disorder-symptoms/)
  * [What is Brief Reactive Psychosis or Brief Psychotic Disorder?](https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/03/21/kony-2012-director-what-is-brief-reactive-psychosis-or-brief-psychotic-disorder/)



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More tissues...  
> More chocolates...  
> And some snickerdoodles for BluSkates...


	57. Floating Away in Every Direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor is temporarily hospitalized for observation but pushes Yuuri to compete.
> 
> Tissue box warning! I needed one writing it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO...this was hard. Because I hate for my young Victor to suffer. But we are in the final chapters. So...not too long.
> 
> Thank you so much, BluSkates and Magrathea, for all of the time you've put into this story. 
> 
> Some have asked if this will continue into another part. And the answer is no, it will not. Because this story will be complete. However, I may open up asks on this one. So be thinking about that. SO close.

* * *

 

[ Floating Away in Every Direction ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FyEHzlgdkIA)

 

Yuuri’s grandfather had cars waiting for them when they arrived in Japan.  They were soon in Hashimoto’s office for evaluation.  Hashimoto studied Victor’s responses and listened to the statement made by Lawrie.  The sedative used in flight had worn off but Victor’s responses were still dulled.  Hashimoto pursed his lips.

 

“Victor, do you know where you are?” he asked once more.

 

Victor looked around uncertainly before shaking his head, his eyes wide and afraid.

 

“You are safe, Victor.  In my office.  You’ve been here many times.”

 

Victor ran his fingers through his hair tugging it before releasing it and studying his hands, working at the fabric from the tail of his shirt he held between his fingers, wrinkling it then smoothing it out.  

 

Yuuri watched the intake with worry.  It was just the three of them in his office.  Lawrence had left as soon as the psychiatrist finished with him and waited in the next room with Chris.  Victor seemed less focused than when they started their journey.  This was more like at night when Victor fought him, Yuuri finally wrapping his arms around him from behind and whispering soft words to calm him into his ear.  

 

Victor flicked his eyes towards Yuuri uncertainly as if asking “what do I say?”  He chewed his lip.  “I want Yuuri,” he said.

 

“I know, Victor.  He’s right here.”  After several attempts to get through to him, Hashimoto turned to Yuuri.  “You said he fought you?  He caused injury to himself?”

 

Yuuri nodded slowly.

 

“I would like to put him in for a 72 hour evaluation.  If it is brief reactive psychosis, we’ll know and can properly determine the course of action.”  He reached for the papers.  “You are his designated decision maker in these matters.”

 

“I know,” Yuuri murmured feeling the weight of it on his shoulders.  “There is no other option?”

 

“If you take him home...he can’t tell you where he’s at, Yuuri-san.”

 

“If he was in familiar surroundings,” Yuuri bargained.

The psychiatrist shook his head.  “The confusion will still crowd it out.  The sooner we see to his care, the quicker he will come out of this.”

 

Yuuri stared at the paper before him, his eyes swimming with the weight of his signature on it.  He had just signed Victor’s commitment papers.  With a quivering lip he handed it over to a solemn Hashimoto, who was explaining to Victor the necessity of this stay.  The silver-haired beauty kept sending furtive glances towards Yuuri, seeking guidance.

 

“Can I speak with him alone for a few minutes?” Yuuri suggested.

 

The psychiatrist nodded.  “I’ll just gather more history from your travel companions to help with his recovery.” Turning to include Victor in the conversation he continued, “Come out together when you’re ready.”

 

Once they were alone, Yuuri knelt before Victor sitting on the sofa.  “Can you tell me where you are?” he asked softly.

 

Victor looked around as he chewed his lip uncertainly before shrugging.  “Not home,” he whispered, his voice small, childlike.

 

“No, it’s not.  Do you remember Dr. Hashimoto?”

 

Victor stared at his hands a moment before slowly nodding.  “He helps take care of me.”

 

“Exactly,” Yuuri murmured.  “That’s what we are doing right now.  We are taking care of you.”

 

“Wh-what does that mean?”

 

“You are going to stay in a hospital,” Yuuri answered, his voice remaining soft, calm.  He was amazed by how calm he could keep himself while falling apart inside. _I have to do this for Victor._

 

“A hospital,” he said slowly.  Looking up, he studied Yuuri’s face.  “I’m sick?”

 

“Yes...and it’s keeping you confused.  We want to get you well.”

 

“I can’t do this at home?” he asked, a small whine in his voice.

 

Yuuri sighed sadly.  “No, sweetheart.  I’m afraid not.”

 

Victor took several breaths as he mulled this over.  “I’m safe with Yuuri,” he whispered, his fingers sliding into Yuuri’s hair.  Yuuri kept his chin up and held the blue eyes above him.  “You think this is best?”

 

“Yes, Vitya, I do,” he stated firmly.

 

“How long?”

 

“At least a week...maybe a little longer.”

 

“Then I can come home?”

 

“Yes, I’ll come get you myself.”

 

“Will you come to see me?”

 

“As much as they allow,” Yuuri promised.

 

Victor sighed and glanced to the door.  “I’m scared.”

 

“I know.  Would it help if I told you Lawrie thinks this is needed, too?”

 

Victor nodded slowly.  “Lawrie is my friend.”

 

“Yes, he is.”

 

Victor fell off the couch and into Yuuri’s arms, burying his face into Yuuri’s neck.  “I don’t want to be away from you.”

 

“I know, baby.  I don’t either.”

 

Victor drew back and pulled in a ragged breath before wiping tears from the corners of his eyes.  “Okay.  I can do this.”

 

“Yes, you can.  You are strong, Vitya,” Yuuri encouraged.

 

Victor nodded, determined.  Standing up, he stepped back so that Yuuri could find his feet.  They walked out the room hand in hand.  Turning to his other two friends he said, “I have to go to the hospital to get better and so I’m less confused.”

 

Lawrie took his hand and squeezed it.  “It won’t be long, Victor.”

 

“I-I don’t want to hurt myself.”  Turning back to Hashimoto, he tugged his fingers through his hair and asked, “Will I remember?”

 

“I can’t promise that but we can make you comfortable and remove that sense of disconnect.”

 

Victor pulled his hands out of his hair and turned back to Yuuri.  “I think...I should go with Hashimoto-sensei.  You go with Lawrie and Chris.”

 

“You don’t want me to go with you?”

 

Victor shook his head.  “I don’t...want to remember you taking me there, Yuuchan.”

 

Yuuri watched as Hashimoto led him out.  He didn’t know how long he stared at the door when he realized a hand was on his shoulder.  Taking a shaky breath, he looked up at both Chris and Lawrie’s concerned faces.  “I’ll be okay.  Really.  I just...I didn’t expect him to go alone.”

 

“He’s lucid enough to know he loses time and confuses details.  Perhaps he was afraid how that would affect him,” Lawrie suggested.  “He wants to make sure he never, in a confused state, blames you for anything.”

 

They went home with him, where his family made space for them.  The next two days, the other two men, supported by the Katsukis, watched over Yuuri worriedly.  Yuuri wandered through spaces when he wasn’t on the ice.  When he disappeared, they found him curled up around Victor’s pillow in the small bedroom he stayed in most of the time.  Makkachin would be curled up around his legs.

 

Finally, Lawrie got him to talk.  “What’s going on in your head?”

 

“I feel like I abandoned him,” Yuuri admitted.

 

Lawrie thinned his lips.  “He’s getting the help he needs.”

 

“I know...but part of me doesn’t quite believe it.”

 

“You can go see him tomorrow.  Chris and I are going with you before we catch our flight out.”

 

“Thank you.  For coming with me and staying with me.  I know I’ve not been a good host.”

 

“This isn’t about you hosting us.  This is about us being your friend and looking out for you and Victor.”

 

Yuuri reached out and took his hand, squeezing it.  “Maybe I should withdraw from Four Continents.  My heart isn’t in it.”

 

Chris studied him from the chair he occupied next to the desk.  “You _might_ do that but I wouldn’t make any decisions until you have seen Victor.”

 

“I suppose you’re right,” Yuuri conceded.  “I just...don’t want to be hours away if he should need me.”

 

“His doctor can reach you, right?” Lawrie asked.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “Hashimoto got in touch with me when Victor disappeared and right after it was announced that he was found.”

 

“Then you shouldn’t worry about his care.  It sounds like the man is very dedicated to his patients.”

 

Yuuri leaned back against the wall.  “He is...that’s why Sasaki-sensei suggested him.  And she’ll probably check on him as well.”

 

Chris placed a hand on Yuuri’s knee to draw his attention.  “Perhaps you should set up an appointment to see Sasaki tomorrow.  I think...you haven’t been taking care of yourself.”

 

Yuuri sighed deeply.  “I...haven’t.  I’ve been consumed with worry.”

 

“That’s understandable.  Either of us would react the same in your situation,” Lawrie reassured him.  “But in order to take the best care of Victor, you have to take care of yourself.”

 

Chris gave his hand a tug.  “So join us for dinner.  You haven’t eaten all day.”

 

Yuuri allowed himself to be led downstairs where his family descended on him and fussed over him until he ate some katsudon and talked with them.

 

“I’m just worried about Vitya,” he admitted.

 

“We know you are,” Mari stated flatly.  “How can we help?”

 

“I don’t know.  I’m trying to decide about Four Continents.  If I go, I’d want someone to check on him.”

 

Both women volunteered.  “They probably aren’t feeding him enough.  I’ll take him katusdon,” his mother insisted.

 

“I’ll give him hell,” Mari promised.

 

Yuuri smiled.  “That makes me feel a little better.  I’m going to talk to Victor about it first.  If he’s uneasy about me going, I’ll stay.  It’s just another competition.”

 

* * *

  


Yuuri stepped off the elevator and waited to be admitted into the ward.  He had been told Victor was still under close supervision and this visitation could only be a couple of hours.  Chris and Lawrie stood close behind him.  Finally, a buzz indicated the door was unlocked and he entered the ward.  Yuuri cast his gaze about the room before picking out a silver head.

 

Victor sat in the corner, his knees to his chest staring out the window.  As Yuuri approached him, he didn’t turn.  “Vitya,” he murmured as he drew near.  The head lifted, meeting his eyes with blue.

 

“Yuuchan?” he asked uncertainly.

 

“It’s me,” Yuuri confirmed, taking a seat in front of him.

 

Victor nodded and turned his attention back to the window.  Yuuri watched him tracing figures on the glass.  He said nothing for a number of minutes.  Finally he whispered conspiratorially, “They don’t like it when I get excited.  If I’m quiet, though, they leave me alone.”

 

Yuuri shot a concerned glance towards Lawrie but the man signaled him to stay calm.  “Chris and Lawrie are here as well,” Yuuri said to him trying to draw him out.

 

Victor huffed then turned slowly to face the other two men.  He tilted his head uncertainly as if he was trying to remember who they were.  Finally, focusing on Chris, he accused, “You cut my hair.”

 

Chris smiled warmly.  “I took you to someone who cut your hair.”

 

“Wh-why did you do that?”

 

“You asked me to, _mon cher_ ,” he answered, his voice not wavering in its warmth.

 

Victor frowned.  “Oh...I...I don’t remember.”  He tugged at the longer strands of his fringe for a moment.  Turning back to Yuuri, he asked, “Where is Makka?”

 

“Mari is taking care of her.”

 

That name seemed to escape him as he frowned in frustrated concentration.

 

“Mari is my sister,” Yuuri added the gentle reminder.

 

“Of course,” Victor stated as if he hadn’t forgotten.  “I know that.”

 

“Yes, I know,” Yuuri assured him.

 

Victor turned to the other two men.  “Do I know you?”

 

“We are your friends,” Lawrie explained.

 

Victor ran his hand through his hair and thumped his head with the heel of his hand.  “Why can’t I remember?” he pushed.

 

Yuuri reached a gentle hand out and pulled Victor’s hand from his hair to hold it.  “It will come in time.  You will find your way.”

 

“I don’t like...being lost,” Victor stated sincerely, his blue eyes holding onto the warm browns of Yuuri’s.

 

“I know,” Yuuri murmured.  “I’ve been lost as well.”  He reached out his free hand and smoothed Victor’s hair back.  “So lost without you.”

 

Lawrie placed a hand on Yuuri’s shoulder.  “We have to go now,” he stated softly.

 

“Where are you going?” Victor asked, turning to look at the older man.

 

“We have to take an airplane back to our country.”

 

Victor’s mouth opened in an O.  “You’re the ones that helped me come here.”

 

“Yes, Victor.  Chris and I traveled with you and Yuuri from Sweden.”

 

Victor seemed to be grabbing fragments of memory.  “I...I skate...on ice.  S-someone pulled my hair.”  He reached up to touch his hair and his eyes widened.  “Why is it all gone?”

 

Yuuri glanced at Lawrie uncertainly but the older man nodded.  Turning back to his partner, he said quietly, “You cut it.”

 

Victor blinked several times, his hand still in his hair.  “I-I don’t remember.”

 

“I know, love.  I-it’s one of the reasons you’re here.”

 

“Oh.”  He reached out a hand and grabbed at Yuuri’s wild strands of hair.  “Do you...do you still love me?”

 

“Of course, Vitya,” he answered, pulling the man into his arms.  He waved at his friends over Victor’s head as they reluctantly left.  Victor rested his head in the curve of Yuuri’s neck, his arms wrapped around the older man’s waist.

 

Victor sat up and blinked as he glanced around, a moment of lucidity clearing his vision.  “Where did they go?”

 

“They had to catch their plane.”

 

Victor nodded.  “They can’t stay forever.  Chris needs to skate.”  He then threw his hands up to his lips.  “Yuuuuuri!  You can’t be here.  You have to go!”

 

“What are you talking about?” Yuuri asked genuinely confused, his hands going to Victor’s cheeks as he held the other man’s blue eyes.

 

Victor grasped Yuuri’s wrists.  “You have to skate.  Four Continents.  Why are you here?”

 

“I’m here for you, Vitya.  And I’d give up every competition, every medal if you needed me here.  Okay?”

 

Victor nodded slowly.  “I know you would,” he said quietly.  “I just...it would make me sad if you didn’t compete because I was in here.”

 

“It’s so far away,” Yuuri stated quietly.  “What if you needed me and I couldn’t get to you?”

 

Victor closed his eyes as if he was focusing his thoughts.  Opening, he stated firmly, “I will be fine, better by the time you come back.  If it’s not too late, I want you to go.”

 

“Vitya,” Yuuri whispered.

 

“Please.  I don’t want to regret this.  I know...I need help.  Most of the time I’m in a fog.  Yuuchan, go skate.  Skate for me.”

 

Yuuri sighed.  Pulling Victor back into his arms, he held him, pressing a kiss into his hair.  “I will.  I’ll go and skate for you.”

 

When Victor pulled back, he offered a smile.  “Maybe they’ll let me watch you.”

 

Yuuri returned his smile tenderly.  “I’d like that.”

 

Victor settled back into his arms.  “Tell me about home while my head's clear.”

 

Yuuri spent the rest of the time holding Victor and telling him about everyone back home.  When his time was up, he was reluctant to leave, holding onto Victor’s wrist until Victor stepped into his space and brushed a kiss over Yuuri’s lips.  “You have a job to do and so do I.  You go skate and I’ll work on getting better.”

 

As they parted, Yuuri started to back out of the space.  As he stopped at the door, he called back to Victor, “ _Ya lyublyu tebya_ , Vitya.”

 

Victor sighed with a soft smile, a tear slipping from the corner of his eye.  “ _Ya tozhe tebya lyublyu_ , Yuuchan.”

 

* * *

  


NOTE:  Yuuri is saying in Russian “I love you” and Victor is answering back that he too loves Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...tissues, fuzzy blankets, chocolate...because Vitya needs all the love.


	58. The Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Yuuri competes in 4CC: Short Program.
> 
>  
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Rough clinical practices in the second scene, first two paragraphs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This song was my dad's favorite song as I grew up. The Conway Twitty version. So I grew up loving this song. 
> 
> Thanks so much for your help, BluSkates and Magrathea. I know it was a hard read.
> 
> Fair warning...the first two paragraphs of the second scene is a hard scene to take. Further explanation in the source notes towards the end.

* * *

 

[ The Rose ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTCQBuYhq_s)

 

* * *

 

 

TRIGGER WARNING:  Rough clinical practices in the second scene, first two paragraphs.

 

* * *

 

 

Phichit ran to greet Yuuri, hugging him close in both excitement and concern.  Yuuri’s return embrace was secure but not tight, his heart was at home, not here.  As Phichit backed off, he studied his friend only to receive a forced smile greeting him.  Phichit knew his friend was giving as much as he could.  Grabbing Yuuri’s hand, he tugged him along.  “Come on, Yuu.  Let’s find a place to be alone.”  Yuuri sighed and nodded.

 

Their coach watched them depart, hoping Phichit could calm Yuuri before the next competition.

 

Alone walking along the rooftop track, Yuuri let his walls fall away.  They never deflected Phichit anyway, and the Thai skater would keep digging until he found what he was looking for.  “Victor told me to skate.  Skate for him, he said.”

 

“So what’s the problem?”

 

Yuuri stopped short in shock and pain, turning to face Phichit.  “I locked him up in a mental health ward.  I signed those damn papers!”

 

Phichit frowned thoughtfully, the jab had landed just as it needed to, waking Yuuri to the rage that he was bottling up.  “Did you ever wonder how Celestino felt when he had to do that for you?”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened.  He had never thought about it.  “But he was doing what I needed to get better.  My anxiety…”

 

“Exactly.  How is this any different?  Except maybe that you’re in love with him?  And so it feels more personal?”

 

Yuuri sighed.  “It does.  When I saw him, he was in and out of awareness.  He seemed together enough to insist I skate but...what if…”

 

Phichit held Yuuri’s eyes.  “You have to honor his wishes, Yuuri.  He is getting help.  Don’t make him regret that. He’s shouldering enough, this is yours to carry.”

 

Shoving his fingers through his hair, he tugged at the ends.  “I know it...but I don’t know it.  Does that make any sense?”

 

“I’ve been your roommate for so many years, yes.  It makes complete sense.  So trust me.  Trust Celestino.  And most importantly, trust Victor. He told you to be here, so be  _ here _ .”

 

Yuuri stopped and grabbed hold of the railing and looked out over the city.  “I’m trying.  I really am.  But there is this knot of guilt that keeps tugging at me.”

 

“I know, Yuuri.  I also know that if you weren’t here, then it would be Victor carrying that guilt.  Who is better equipped for it?”

 

“Touch é ,” Yuuri replied.  “Okay.  I can do this.  For Victor.”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor stared out the window.  Time had no meaning in this place, but he knew he hadn’t been restrained in a while.  Fragments of memory would seep through the fog.  The clinical terms when read to him said “aggressive and combative.”  Waking up locked in restraints brought back their own nightmares, however, and he would scream and thrash against the binds, hurting himself far worse than he would out of them.  

 

When Hashimoto learned of it, he stepped in.  Victor sat curled in the corner whimpering but he could hear the Japanese man in no uncertain terms dressing down the clinical attendants.  He didn’t know what was said but when Hashimoto came to him, he approached him cautiously and with great care.  The doctor kneeled down to his level, keeping eye contact through the movements.  Slowly he reached out, indicating he would like to hold Viktor’s hand.  Like a wounded bird Viktor surrendered the limb.  Hashimoto studied the marks the restraints made on his arms where Victor fought against them and grimaced in disgust.

 

“They won’t tie you down anymore, Victor,” he promised.  And they didn’t.

 

The next time he fought them, they secluded him, giving him the chance to come down on his own.  The room was soft and he could beat against the walls.  He took his anger out on that room.  A small part of him was aware that they would look in the window and check on him.  He eventually uncoiled and slept curled up in the corner.  When he woke up, he was back in his room.

 

His days were filled with psychotherapy, group and individual, visits from both Sasaki and Hashimoto, and the sunny room with the wide open space.  He liked the window where he could look outside.  Someone brought him the blanket he preferred, and he had Douglas.  He now had his own pajamas and sweats with their soft fabrics, his own socks and briefs.  Someone, probably Yuuri, thought to spray them with the older man’s cologne.  The familiar scent comforted him with its cedar notes and hints of cinnamon and nutmeg.  Yuuri said it reminded him of drinking chai tea while hiking in the mountains.  He liked the image and held onto it.

 

The fog seemed to lessen and he felt more aware of his world.  Hashimoto talked to him about going home.  Victor shook his head.  “I won’t leave until Yuuri comes to get me.”

 

“Are you sure?  I can release you into the care of another relative, or a friend?”

 

“I know...but...I won’t be at ease until Yuuri is by my side.  I know...that is...codependent, but for now I need this.  Too much.  Has.  Happened.”  He finally strung together the words he needed to say.

 

“Then we will move you to a less restrictive floor.  Your friends and family can come see you in the evenings,” Hashimoto compromised.

 

Victor nodded in acceptance.  The next evening, he turned around from his new perch, another window overlooking the tree filled park, and smiled at the sight of Yuuko and Takeshi.

 

“Yuuri is skating.  We thought you’d want company to watch his skate,” Yuuko explained.

 

“Th-thank you.  Wh-where are the girls?”

 

Takeshi laughed.  “They are at the inn watching the skate with the rest of the gang.”

 

“I-I wasn’t ready for so many p-people,” Victor confessed.  “I want to w-wait for Yuuri.”

 

Yuuko smiled indulgently.  “Yuuri is the same way.  Sometimes people overwhelm him.  You are the exception.  I’ve never seen him seek to escape your presence.  You calm him,” Yuuko observed.

 

“H-he calms me, too.  He’s my safe place.”

 

“He’ll be home soon.  He just…”

 

“...has a job to do,” Victor stated.  “When does he skate?”

 

“Phichit is going to text me.  What are you working on?” he asked indicating the pad in his hand.

 

“I...I thought I’d work on a costume design.  Days are long.  Less therapy here.  And...my head’s a lot clearer.”

 

The other two studied the detail of the design.  The jagged blacks grays and white on one side made them think of ice, but the juxtaposition of the oranges, reds and pinks on the other side showed fire.  The figure that wore it was unmistakably Yuuri.

 

“Did you design this for Yuuri?” Yuuko asked softly.

 

“Maybe.  I don’t know what his programs will be next year.”

 

“It’s a beautiful costume design, Vicchan,” she stated warmly.  “He would pull off that look well.”

 

“Have you thought about what you might do?” Takeshi inquired.

 

Victor shook his head.  “It’s hard...to move past the pain these days.”

 

Takeshi and Yuuko exchanged glances before he suggested, “Have you considered skating through it?  Yuuri’s skated several programs that he never performed because he was working through something.”

 

“I-I hadn’t thought about it,” he murmured.  “I’ve been working hard to do my programs.”

 

A chime on Takeshi’s phone caught their attention.  “Yuuri skates after the next skater.  Shall we turn on the television?”

 

Victor led them to the small lounge in the large space.  They discouraged television but it was allowed on occasion.  This situation was one such exception and soon Takeshi had the station on.

 

“Oh, it’s Phichit!” Victor realized.

 

Takeshi chuckled.  “He failed to mention that he was the next skater.  Let’s see how he does.”

 

Victor lost himself in the music, watching the skater’s movements.  A soft smile touched his lips.  “If I was better a few days sooner,” he murmured.  Then he shook his head.  “No, I didn’t need to be in that crowd.  Being able to go home isn’t the same as attending a competition.”

 

Yuuko reached over and squeezed his hand.

 

Phichit’s scores were good.

 

**93.46**

 

Victor leaned forward as Yuuri skated into position.  He shook his hands out and then moved into his starting pose.  “He looks...nervous?” Victor observed.  The music began.   [ Chain of Memories ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1EVoAaJFbE) dropped its first poignant notes, building, and Victor could see the sadness envelope him, making him appear lost.  He was using the emotion of their lives to push the performance and Victor felt a sad smile tug at his lips.   _ I miss you.  I know you miss me, too.  I wish I was there for you.  I wish I didn’t fall apart on you. _  The music built and Yuuri jumped once more, pulling himself in for a moment, the music paused.  Then he moved through a step sequence turning, building, then another jump.  Victor’s eyes widened. Yuuri touched the ice.  He moved into the final pose, closed off, sad.  Victor drew a shaky breath.  “It was beautiful,” he whispered.  “It’s always beautiful.”   _ Don’t let me hold you back, Yuuri. _

 

Yuuri moved to the kiss and cry and received his phone from his coach.  He opened it and something made him smile.   _ Oh.  I’m on his lock screen.  Makka and I.  _  The score displayed.

 

**94.01**

 

Lower than normal but still good.  As Yuuri left the kiss and cry, he lifted his phone and started a call.   _ Who was he calling? _

 

Yuuko’s phone rang.  She smiled and handed it to him.  “I believe this call is for you.”  The two of them moved away to give him privacy.

 

“Yuuuuuriiii,” he murmured as he answered.

 

“Vitya,” came the response.  “I’m trying, Vitya.  Like you asked.”  Victor could hear the ragged edges of his voice.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

 

“Wh-why are you sorry?”

 

“For not being strong.  For not being there for you.”  His voice was small, sad.

 

“Oh, Vitya.  You are so very strong.  And I know you are getting better.  Sasaki said you chose to remain in the hospital until I returned.”

 

“I-I didn’t think I could face the rest of the world without you.”

 

“I’ll be home soon.  Just a few more days.”

 

Victor shoved a tear threatening to fall with the heel of his hand.  “I kn-know.  I just...I want to be better.  For you.”

 

“Vitya,” Yuuri said firmly.  “Be better for  _ you _ .  Then the rest will fall into place.  Okay?”

 

“I don’t want you to be worried about me, though.”

 

“That can’t be helped, sweetheart.  I love you.  That’s part of the price.”

 

Victor couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his lips.  “I’m trying, too, Yuuri.  To be better.”

 

“I know, _anata_.  I know.”  Victor heard a frustrated huff through the connection.  “I’m being dragged over to the press.  I’ve got to go now, love.  I’ll call you after the free skate.  Okay?”

 

“Okay, Yuuri.  I love you!”  He called it softly into the phone hoping to catch Yuuri before he was gone.

 

Then he heard it.  “I love you, too.  Always.”  Then he was gone and Victor dropped the phone into his lap, his breath shuddering.  He didn’t know which was worse--waiting in silence or hearing his voice then feeling the loss of it.  Yuuko came over and comforted him.  They sat with him and talked for another half hour before they had to return to their family.  Victor appreciated it but now his loneliness felt all the more acute.  He grabbed the fuzzy blanket and Douglas, curling once more into the window in the corner.  Waiting.

 

* * *

  
  


**Source:**

[Brief Psychotic Disorder](http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/294416-treatment) - I read through several resources on how this might be treated plus what I witnessed when my stepfather went through ICU psychosis.  I sited this one source but I wanted you to know there were others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! Here! Mugs of hot chocolate, warm fuzzy blankets, grilled cheese sandwiches, dish of chocolates, snicker doodles, and all the tissues! (((hugs))) 
> 
> I won't keep him here long. I promise.


	59. Show Me What I’m Looking For

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri’s free skate shows his struggle with Victor’s absence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much, BluSkates and Magrathea. I appreciate the support throughout this story!

* * *

 

[ Show Me What I’m Looking For ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtDgwQi1DD0)

 

Yuuri finally shook free of the reporters.  There were so many questions about his future plans when, honestly, he didn’t know those himself, and he wasn’t ready to make that call.  “Vitya,” he whispered as he leaned against the back wall of the elevator.  The doors finally opened to his floor and he walked to the room he shared with Phichit.

 

His best friend had insisted, claiming his merely wanted to feel the closeness they had shared for so long in college.  But Yuuri was certain there was an ulterior motive, such as making sure Yuuri didn’t wallow in grief, ensuring that he ate properly, keeping an eye on him, or some such shit.  In a moment of honesty with himself, Yuuri could admit that he was grateful.  Entering the empty room, his thoughts had been so preoccupied with worry for his partner that he collapsed onto his bed and curled up in a ball.

 

This was the state Phichit found him.  “Yuuri, you need to come down and eat.  Celestino is with Minako, but we can go grab something together.”

 

“I don’t have an appetite.”

 

“You talked with him, didn’t you?” Yuuri felt the mattress give a little as the skater sat on the edge of the bed, he felt the warmth of Phichit’s hand on his leg in a comfortable touch.

 

“Yes.  He could be home, but he refuses to leave without me.  So he’s still there...because I’m here.”  Phichit heard the self-blame in his friend’s voice, the sob that threatened to break through.

 

Phichit sighed.  “Have you thought that maybe he’s using that as an excuse?  That maybe he’s not confident in his recovery and he wants to stay in a place where he knows he’s safe from himself?”

 

“N-no?”

 

“Call Lawrie,” Phichit insisted.

 

“He’ll be asleep.”

 

Phichit shook his head.  “He stayed up to watch you skate.  He and Chris are worried about you.”

 

Yuuri took the offered phone and scanned through the text messages traded between Phichit and Lawrie.  Sighing, he nodded pulling out his own phone.  Lawrie answered on the first ring.

 

“Yuuri!  Chris and I watched the interviews.  Are you okay?”

 

“I’m on edge,” he finally admitted.  “I can ignore my anxiety, but my head is elsewhere.”

 

“That’s understandable.”  Lawrie’s voice smoothed out from the initial enthusiastic greeting.  He let his calm, professional tone take over.  “We’re just worried that you will continue to spiral.”

 

“I’ve got it under control,” he argued.  “I’m worried.  That’s all.  It’ll be fine.”

 

“Yuuri,” Lawrie murmured, a plea at the edge of his voice.

 

“It will be fine.  I’m leaving with Phichit to eat.  Okay?”  Yuuri’s voice held an air of combat.  Lawrie knew that pushing could only force the skater to isolate himself.

 

There was a heavy sigh on the other end but Lawrie let him go.  “Okay.  Stay close to Phichit.”

 

“I will.  He doesn’t give me much choice.”

 

* * *

  
  


The next day, he arrived at group practice and laced up his skates.  On ice, he took off, warming up.  Phichit exchanged glances with Celestino.  “I haven’t seen him like this in years,” the old coach confessed.  “Minako is worried, too.”

 

“I got him to eat last night and again this morning, but he’s not talking much.  When he does, we end up arguing.  He is worried about Victor and blaming himself for Victor being in the hospital, which he phrased as ‘locked up’..  And...well, he is being old Yuuri, stubborn and ignoring his symptoms.”

 

Their shared coach frowned.  Unfortunately, this was not a new scenario to him, rather one that had played out several times in his past, occasionally ending well, and sometimes… not.  “Is he taking his medication?”

 

“I made him let me watch to ensure that he was, he was not happy about that, but did it, begrudgingly.”  Phichit caught the gawking stare from his coach.  “I told you, he’s Yuuri being old Yuuri.  Which means his self destructive tendencies are at their strongest.”

 

Celestino sighed, looking at the battle weary skater.  “I’m sorry to put this on you.  Perhaps I should have roomed with him.”

 

“No.  I’m the right choice.  I know his tricks.”

 

“It will affect your skate.”

 

Phichit shrugged.  “If it does, oh well.  Yuuri’s more important to me.  I understand why he is here but that doesn’t mean Yuuri is making the best decisions now that he  _ is _ here.”

 

They watched Yuuri perform a series of outside three-turns, moving into a quad-salchow.  The take off was scary, over rotated, both arms flying wild, but the landing was horrific.  His landing leg lost the edge immediately and flew out from under him.  The hooked leg never rotated out sliding up and underneath his hip, thankfully his arms were able to stop the flow before Yuuri’s face made contact to the ice.  Both the coach and friend held their breath for the moment it took Yuuri to rise, the Phichit cast his eyes to the ceiling in frustration, the movement echoed by the coach next to him.  “Distracted Yuuri is not the best Yuuri,” the Thai skater observed.

 

“Get out on the ice.  No point in you not getting your time in.”

 

“Yes, sir.”  Phichit handed his guards to Celestino and started his warm up laps.  A sharp hit on the ice warned Phichit that Yuuri took another fall.  Celestino barked an order to Yuuri to hit the board.  He glanced towards his rinkmate and could see the stubborn set of his jaw.  Ciao-Ciao would restrict his practice.  No jumps.  As Yuuri turned his direction, Phichit could see his friend was not happy.

 

Two hours later, their coach led them to his car rental.  “Do you want to join Minako and me for dinner?”

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes and Phichit giggled.  “I think we’ll leave you two alone,” the Japanese man answered.  “Phi and I’ll grab dinner with some of the other skaters.”

 

“If you’re sure…”

 

Phichit glanced at the coach’s two eyes full of mirth before saying, “We’re sure.”

 

They found Leo and Guang Hong before they set out.  “I have curfew,” Guang Hong informed them.  The others turned and waited before he dropped his head shyly.  “I have to be in by nine.”

 

Yuuri patted the younger skater on the shoulder.  At seventeen, he was the youngest among them.  “Don’t worry.  It’s just dinner, not clubbing,” he reassured the youth with a wink.

 

They found a place offering local flavor and Yuuri forced himself to smile as he watched over the younger skaters.  Of course, Phichit was twenty-four, only three years behind Yuuri, and able to watch out for himself.  Leo, though, was merely nineteen and Yuuri felt responsibility.  Which was Phichit’s intent, hoping that caretaker Yuuri would be too busy to allow anxious Yuuri much power.  As the younger two disappeared to the bathroom towards the end of the meal Phichit leaned forward.  “How are you holding up?”

 

“Not nearly as distracted as I’d hoped,” he confessed.  

 

“You’re hiding it better than I thought you would,” Phichit observed.

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “They’re kids.  They don’t need the weight of my world on them.”  He turned his eyes towards the window, his thoughts slipping across an ocean.  “Phichit, I don’t know how well I’ll do tomorrow.”

 

“We would all suffer if we took time off.  It was unavoidable.  Necessary.  But I wonder if you came back too soon.”

 

“Perhaps.  Victor needed me on the ice, though...because he couldn’t be there.  And...I don’t regret it.”

 

“Then don’t regret being here.  Now.  Victor needs you on the ice now.  He needs to know he’s not the cause of you not skating.  Win or lose, he needs to know you skated.”

 

“I love him...of course I’ll skate for him.  So even if I fail?”

 

“You?  Fail?  I’ll lay odds you make at least the top ten.  And I believe it was you that told another skater last year something about making it into the top ten.  Who was it?  Georgi?  The Russian?  You told him top ten in Worlds is never a failure.  Same holds true here.”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “I did say that.  Then let’s see how well I do.”

 

The younger skaters rejoined them and Yuuri paid the bill, shepherding them out to catch a cab.

 

“Thanks for taking us to dinner, Yuuri,” Leo stated with a warm smile.  

 

“Yes.  Thank you,” Guang Hong added shyly.

 

“Of course.  We couldn’t have you left behind,” Yuuri responded in a forced tone that only Phichit could identify.  Minutes later, he guided them into the hotel and delivered them to their coaches before retreating to his room with Phichit.

 

As they lay in the dark, Yuuri murmured, “Thank you, Phichit.  I know I haven’t been my best.  I needed someone to look out for me.”

 

“Anytime, Yuuri.  I’m always here for you.”

 

* * *

  
  
  


While Yuuri was taking care of the younger skaters, his mother had found her way to the hospital with a hot meal for her sweet boy.  She sat across from Victor, spreading out a cloth and setting out the meal before him.  “I know you’re coming home soon, but are waiting for Yuuri first.  We would have taken care of you, though.  I hope you know that, Vicchan.”

 

The blond nodded.  “I know, Mama.  It’s just...I need it to be Yuuchan.  I-I can’t explain it.  I’m afraid I’ll fly to pieces without him there to help hold me together.”

 

The older woman smiled indulgently.  “He has a way of taking care of the others around him.  And you even more so.  You are his very special person.  I think...even before you both met face-to-face.”

 

“I love him, too,” Victor murmured, a soft blush coloring his cheeks.  “He said...he’d come for me and take me home.  It’s like...a promise.  And maybe...I am not well.  Hashimoto-sensei has been working with me on my coping strategies and Sasaki-sensei has been helping me with my triggers.  I want...is it too much to want what I had with Yuuri before Russia?”

 

“Not at all, Vicchan.  I know he misses...the closeness as well.  He is a very patient man, though.  So you should not rush yourself.  Time is a healer.  But you have to give it room to do its work.”  Her warmth reassured him, pulling the sting out like honey.

 

“Have you heard from him?”

 

“He’s called a few times but never talks for long.  He works hard, that one.”

 

Victor smiled.  “He always has.  I want...I wish I was someone you could be proud of as well.”  He didn’t expect the tears but suddenly they were there and he was hauled into Hiroko’s embrace, nuzzling into her shoulder.  “I keep paying for a mistake I made at nineteen.  I was so young.  All I want is a life with someone who loves me, a life with Yuuri.”

 

“You have that, Vicchan.  Your life with Yuuri is now.  And because you are having to work so hard at the beginning, you know he is strong, he’ll be there with you as time moves on.  The best things are worth working for...even more so with the great loves of our life.”

 

“You and Papa…”

 

“Oh, my son...Toshiya plucked up a wild girl already embroiled in troubles of her own making and took her in, watching out for her and helping her to heal.  He’s a lot like his son in that aspect.  And you...I guess you take after me.”

 

He smiled.  “My own mama...she walked away from the man who abused her.  She didn’t want him to get his hands on me.  He didn’t even get a chance to give me his name.  She was strong, and made the decision to leave just like that.  I just wish I had made better decisions.”

 

“Well, if you were a woman and pregnant who's to say you wouldn’t have made that same decision?  Babies have a way of forcing us to accept our realities.  It doesn’t work for everyone but for some.  We realize we have someone else that depends on us and, because of that, we can act more aggressively.”

 

“I hadn’t thought of that.  I always felt like...I let her down.  Right now, though, I just miss her.”

 

“I know dear.  We all miss our mamas when we are struggling.  But you know her heart...and you know what she would say to you.”

 

He smiled and nodded.  “She’d tell me she loved me and that she didn’t raise a boy that would give up so easily.”

 

“There you go.  Now draw strength from her words.  And don’t worry.  Yuuchan will be home soon.”

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri skated to the center of the ice.  This would be the last time he skated  [ King ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAP1fT7L9vU) in competition.  This was Victor’s song but he had asked Yuuri to skate it for him.  This is how he answered that call.

 

The deeper tones of this version surrounded him.  He moved into the words grabbing hold of the meaning and winding them up into his skates.  Yuuri extended out into a backwards spiral, his head down, left arm out, reaching for something beyond his grasp.  The position held as the fingers crumbled into the fist, then he rose lifting his hand palm up to show the emptiness therein.   _ Vitya, come what may, I love you.  I may screw up, not just today but so many times in the future.  But come what may, I will come back to you.   _ He arched into the Ian Bower, hand behind him, head tilted back to show the perfect stretch of his back, the lines and edges clean and tight.  He may not land the jumps strong but what was under his control he would hold perfectly.   _ I am yours, to slay your monsters, to hold you when you are afraid, to share my strength with you, to skate for you when you cannot.   _ Coming out of the arch he stepped into a triple axel, coming down hard, using his hand to touch down and steady himself.  He knew he would have to downgrade his jumps, his head just wasn’t there yet.  The quad-toe combo became a triple-double, but both landings were immaculate.  The final spin, still level four, ended with a rising sit spin into scratch, as his free foot came down to double-edge the spin he slowed and crossed his hand to his heart, raising the left palm out in the same direction as the backwards spiral, to reach once more for what he most desired.   _ Come what may, I love you. _

 

As he skated to the break in the boards, he greeted his coach.  “I don’t think I placed,” he stated.

 

“Don’t worry about that,” his coach stated.  The older man saw the skater struggling with his emotions on the ice, the judges would see it as well.  “You skated your best even if you didn’t break records.  Sometimes our best is just getting out on the ice.”

 

“I wanted to skate for Victor,” he stated as he settled down on the bench and waited for the scores.  “I don’t want to disappoint him.”

 

Celestino chuckled, his arm going around the skater.  “I’ve coached you for almost ten years, Yuuri.   _ You _ are the only person you’ve ever disappointed.  You are harder on yourself than I ever could be.”

 

Yuuri sighed and nodded.  He knew his coach was right.  “Thank you for staying by my side for so long.”

 

“It was my honor and pleasure to work with you, Yuuri.  I’d like to continue even if it is across the distance.”

 

“Do you think I’ve proved myself?”

 

“You’ve more than proved yourself, but you should know you never had to do that.  Are you going to continue to skate?”

 

Yuuri nodded.  “I want to skate until the next winter Olympics.  Then, retire and focus on Victor,  whether he skates or not, I know he has other dreams.”

 

“Then, if you wish, I’ll continue as your coach until then, Yuuri.”  The score went up and the coach smiled.  “See, not too bad.”

 

“It won’t be enough to make podium...but maybe the top ten.”

 

“Top ten isn’t too bad.  I think perhaps top five.  You wobbled in that one jump and downgraded another.  Overall, though, it wasn’t a bad skate.  Especially considering your practice.”

 

Yuuri moved away from the kiss and cry and found his place next to Phichit while they waited for the last two skaters.  As the rankings settled, Yuuri fell to fourth.  Taking a shaky breath, he murmured, “It could have been much worse.”  Then, embracing Phichit, he added, “I’m so proud of you.  You deserve it.”  Phichit hugged him back before he moved to prepare for the medal ceremony.

 

The final rank placed Otabek with gold, Phichit with silver, and Seung-gil with bronze.  Yuuri had his phone to his ear sending a call through to Mari.

 

“Hey, little brother, how are you doing?”

 

“I didn’t win...but as Phichit pointed out, I didn’t lose either.  How is he?”

 

“He’s worried that you are upset about not making the podium.  Let me hand him the phone.”

 

Soon Victor’s anxious voice greeted him.  “Are you okay?  Are you upset?  Don’t be mad I sent you.”

 

“I’m not upset.  Who’s to say I wouldn’t have ranked lower if I didn’t have you as my motivation?  It’s not like I had run these programs in the Grand Prix season.  Are you..disappointed in me?”

 

Victor gasped.  “Of course not!  You skated beautifully!  I was just worried...you are used to winning gold.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “It’s not so easy anymore.  But I don’t regret taking the time off to take care of myself...or you.  How are  _ you _ , Vitya?”

 

“Mama came to see me yesterday.  I think...I missed talking with her.  She settled a lot of my doubts.  And now I have Mari.  She has been giving me a hard time.”  There was mirth in his voice, but he added in a comically whispered tone, “Oh, and she cheats at cards.”

 

Yuuri laughed.  “She most certainly does!  But you have a sharp eye if you caught her.”  He sighed.  “I miss you.  I can’t wait to see you.”  Tears stung the corners of his eyes.  He already felt the decision forming in the back of his mind.

 

“I can’t wait to see you either,” Victor echoed.  “I’m just waiting for you.”

 

As he disconnected the call, he smiled.  Fourth place  _ was  _ his win.  No exhibition skate.  As Phichit joined him, he cocked an eyebrow.  “I’m going to go home.”

 

The younger man chuckled.  “Of course you are.  I have interviews to deal with.  You go on back and pack up.  Text us with your flight details.”

 

“You’ll cover for me?”

 

“I’ll tell the press you had to fly home if it comes up.  No comment on the details.”

 

Yuuri nodded in agreement and headed out, mixing into the crowd.  A black hoodie allowed him to blend in.  Soon he was back in his room, his flight arranged, departure in three hours.

 

Phichit, Celestino, and Minako arrived as he was dragging his luggage through the elevator and insisted on accompanying him to the airport.  Yuuri knew he was well cared for.  He knew Victor had been well cared for.  His family looked after him.  He had good doctors looking after him.  Now he just had to get to him.

 

* * *

  
  


Three hours, he landed and was met by Mari.  “Hashimoto has expedited Victor’s release.  I didn’t tell him.  You said you wanted to surprise him.”

 

“Thank you.”  He embraced his sister.  “You’ve all been the best.”

 

Mari shrugged.  “Just go get your man.”  She pulled up to the curb and Yuuri practically tripped out of the SUV.  He went to the counter and was admitted to Victor’s new floor.  As Yuuri came off the elevator he spotted the silver head leaning against the wall watching out the window...waiting for him.  Now he understood.

 

“Vitya,” he murmured, his voice carrying across the nearly empty room.

 

He watched as the younger man turned, the fuzzy blanket falling away, his eyes widening, happy tears springing to his eyes as he pushed himself up, his feet suddenly taking him across the room and into Yuuri’s arms.  Yuuri lifted him and swung him around in his strong arms.  “I couldn’t stay away another moment,” he murmured.  “Do you want to go home?”

 

“I can go?  Now?”  Victor’s eyes held uncertain excitement.

 

Yuuri nodded.  “It’s all taken care of.  Let’s get your things together.”

 

As they walked out of the building, he tilted his head and laughed at Mari waiting patiently.  “You knew!”

 

“I had to get at least one bluff past you, kid,” she answered nonchalantly.  “Are you finally ready to come home?”

 

“Yes!” he answered, his fingers threading into Yuuri’s.  “Please take me home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. :) Thank you for reading.


	60. Just My Soul Responding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Victor is home!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the edits, BluSkates and Magrathea! I wrote really ahead in several of my stories (Which is good because this girl hasn't been writing this week) and you both took care of me.

* * *

 

[ Just My Soul Responding ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8TysH2a-io)

 

Victor watched out the window of the SUV, dog in his lap, fingers tangled into her curls, his other hand tangled into Yuuri’s for the ride home.  Moonlight dappled through the trees, casting a silver gleam along the roadside.  Turning back to Yuuri, he could see that the older man’s eyes were closed, his lips parted slightly as the exhaustion of travel overtook him.

 

An hour later, they pulled into the drive and Victor unbuckled the seatbelt, grabbing hold of Makkachin’s leash and stepping out of the SUV.  Yuuri met him behind the vehicle where they pulled out their luggage.

 

Victor walked into the inn and was immediately met by Hiroko and Toshiya taking his hands.  Yuuri and Mari rolled their eyes.  They never got this kind of treatment.  But they were indulgent in their jealousy, knowing the younger man had been through so much, had lost so much.  Yuuri was thankful for his part, knowing his parents would always watch over Victor if, for some reason, he couldn’t.  Given his anxiety, he knew there would be times.

 

His mother had Victor seated at the table and katsudon in front of him before Yuuri even made it into the room.  He chuckled.  “Now we know who's the favorite,” his sister smirked.

 

“You’re just sore that he caught you cheating at cards,” Yuuri pointed out as he tugged his luggage towards the stairs.  Mari grabbed hold of Victor’s bags and followed him.

 

“Well,  _ you  _ never caught me,” she poked.

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes.  “I didn’t have time to catch you.  I was busy counting cards myself.”

 

They looked at each other and grinned.  “Sofu!” they admitted, laughing.

 

“He’s sharp, though,” Mari added, she knew they were out of earshot and could freely discuss their family’s favorite.  “No wonder Grandfather approves.”

 

“He’s the favorite with Grandfather, too,” Yuuri noted with a grin.  They put the bags in their rooms to be dealt with later and returned to the dining room.

 

Yuuri finally sat down next to Victor and soon had his meal before him.  Mari took hers to the other side.  Leaning forward, she slapped his hand away from the seasoning.  “Don’t let mom catch you!”

 

Yuuri snorted.  Turning to Victor, he studied the man and could see his blue eyes glittering with mirth.  “I love seeing you happy,” he murmured, his expression softening.

 

Mari rolled her eyes.  “I’m trying to eat over here and this isn’t dessert.”

 

Yuuri tossed his napkin at her as his mother came around the corner.  “Now, kids,” she stated with disapproving hands on her hips.

 

Once the meal was finished, and they had washed their dishes, the three of them disbursed towards their own rooms.  The day had been long and it was late.  Yuuri guided Victor up the stairs, his fingers lightly resting on the small of the younger man’s back as he wavered.  They hesitated at the threshold and Victor turned, wrapping his arms around Yuuri’s neck in the semi-privacy of the upstairs hall, pressing his lips onto Yuuri’s.  “I missed you, Yuuchan,” he whispered then wrinkled his nose.  “But you need a shower.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “I practically left straight after the skate.  Give me a few minutes.”

 

Victor shrugged.  “I’m going to unpack and put my clothes in the laundry.”

 

* * *

  
  


Yuuri was in his room after his shower when he heard a tap on his door.  “Come in,” Yuuri invited.  The door slid open and Victor stood there, bunny in hand, dog by his feet.

 

“Can I sleep here?” he asked, dropping his eyes and chin shyly.

 

“Always,” Yuuri promised, tapping the mattress beside him.  Victor settled the bunny onto the sofa before crawling across the bed.  Yuuri’s arms opened and wrapped around the younger man, welcoming him to his side.  “Better?”

 

“Much,” Victor sighed, his head resting against Yuuri’s shoulder.

 

Yuuri reached over and flipped the switch on the lamp, settling them both down into bed.  Victor’s leg shifted between Yuuri’s and he lifted his face towards Yuuri’s.  Yuuri hissed as he felt the younger man’s nose nuzzle just beneath his ear.   “Vitya, you just came home,” Yuuri whispered with concern.

 

“I stayed extra days...because I want...to be with you, Yuuri.  I talked to Hashimoto and Sasaki about my therapy, what I want to achieve, and we worked on my triggers.”  Victor turned that nuzzle into a kiss feeling Yuuri shift his head over granting him access, Victor’s hands sliding over Yuuri’s chest.  “Is this okay?” he whispered.

 

“I just...I don’t want you upset.  I…”  His breath caught as he felt teeth tugging at his ear.  “I don’t want you to force yourself.  I can wait.”

 

“I really want you, Yuuri.  It is one of the things I talked about in therapy.  Please...let me do this.  I’ll stop if you really want me to but...please.”  The soft whine in Victor’s voice could do things to Yuuri.  The older man found he could hardly deny him.  Victor felt the acceptance in Yuuri’s hand sliding up his back, pulling him closer before the “yes” left his lips.  Victor kissed along Yuuri’s jawline, his fingers knotting into the fabric of Yuuri’s t-shirt.  Yuuri’s hands were sliding along his slender form edging beneath the fabric when Victor demanded, “Touch me, Yuuchan.  I want to feel your hands.”

 

Yuuri pulled the shirt over the other man’s head and leaned in to trail his tongue along Victor’s collar bone sucking into the center as Victor released a soft moan, arching into Yuuri’s body.  His fingers danced along Victor’s sides, tickling the flesh as he felt Victor shift along his lips.  “Vitya,” he breathed into his partner’s neck, his lips trailing up the long column before cresting over his chin.

 

Their eyes met as Yuuri pulled back and Victor leaned in, grabbing hold of Yuuri’s lips with his, a desperate hunger mixing with Yuuri’s desire.  “I love you,” he murmured into the kiss and Yuuri swallowed it down letting it settle into his heart.  Love didn’t begin to describe what he felt for this man.  He moved in, tightening his hold on Victor when he felt a tugging below.  “Off,” Victor demanded.  Yuuri broke free and allowed the shirt to be pulled free.

 

Victor surged forward pushing Yuuri back into bed and the sight of Victor over Yuuri was the most beautiful vision the brunette had seen.  Then Victor ducked down, his tongue assaulting Yuuri’s nipple and Yuuri found himself fascinated with how Victor’s hair parted and settled in it’s shorter form.  He traced the part, his finger settling into the hair whorl.  Victor lifted his head curiously.  “What are you doing?”

 

“Enjoying the small details,” Yuuri murmured and was rewarded by Victor ducking his head bashfully.

 

“I wasn’t...I didn’t...when I looked in the mirror, really looked, after the shock and whatever else that was fell away, I...Yuuri, how do I look?”

 

Yuuri’s expression relaxed into a tender smile.  “Vitya, you are asking a man in love with you how you look...and all I can say is that I think you are the most beautiful person in the world.”  He reached up and caught the response in his fingers as they rolled out of Victor’s eyes.  “Don’t cry,  _ anata _ .  Just take my love.”

 

He sniffed back, and pushed back his tears with long fingers.  “Now I’m a mess and it’s your fault.”

 

Yuuri chuckled warmly.  “Well, you did ask.  Now...come here.”  Yuuri reached out and slid his hand around Victor’s neck guiding him down into a kiss.  “What do you have in mind?” he murmured as the kiss broke.

 

“I want to...we haven’t since...since Russia,” he settled on.  “Can we...make love?  I just want to touch you.  Will you give yourself to me?

 

Yuuri reached up and stroked Victor’s cheek.  “I will always willingly submit to you, Vitya.  I am yours.”

 

Victor’s lips parted in surprise as he witnessed the absolute trust in Yuuri’s eyes.  “Finish undressing,” Victor demanded.  The other man held his eyes as he canted his hips and then pushed the pants down around his thighs until he cleared his ankles tossing them into the floor.  Yuuri lay back, staring up at him, holding his eyes, waiting.

 

Victor sat on his knees uncertainly, his fingers reached into thin air looking to twine themselves into the ghost of long hair, missing that they settled on the skin of his shoulder seeking a ground.  Yuuri reached out his hand and invited Victor’s touch.

 

“Only what you feel comfortable with, Vitya,” he encouraged, his words soft, warm.

 

Victor swallowed.  He knew what to do but suddenly he seemed to forget.  Yuuri waited.  Holding Yuuri’s eyes, he whispered, “I-I feel frozen.”

 

“Do you want to stop?” Yuuri asked.

 

Victor shook his head.

 

“Do you want to keep your pajamas on?”

 

Victor glanced down as if realizing he still wore them.  “N-no.”

 

Yuuri waited a moment longer but when Victor didn’t move, he asked, “Do you want me to undress you?”

 

“I...think so, yes,” Victor agreed.  Yuuri sat up and leaned into Victor, his lips capturing the younger man’s and soon Victor was relaxing in the older man’s arm as he was laid back into the bed.  Yuuri’s fingers found the waistband.  The kiss broke as Yuuri trailed them downwards.  Victor lifted his hips as Yuuri shifted them down, freeing Victor’s legs of the fabric and as Yuuri returned to him, he murmured, “If I could submit to anyone, it would be to you.”

 

“I don’t ask you to submit, just to partner with me, Vitya.  I want to be a part of you and have you as a part of me.  I want to touch you and to feel your touch.  If you need me to submit, I will gladly fall to my knees for you.”

 

“And if you...need me to lead...I can lead,” Victor promised.

 

“Then rather than submission, rather than dominance, let’s just dance, together,” Yuuri suggested.  “We may trade leads, but neither of us will seek to control one another.  You’ve had enough of that in your life.  More than enough.”

 

Victor held his eyes as he reached down and grabbed Yuuri’s hand, guiding it to his belly.  “Please, Yuuri...touch me.  I want to feel your hands on me.  As far as you can take me.”

 

“Vitya…” he whispered.

 

He shifted to settle between Victor’s legs.  His fingers lightly ghosted down the younger man’s inner thighs and his lips parted as they fell open for him.  Victor’s eyes hooded as he watched Yuuri.  Yuuri dipped down, his tongue finding Victor’s pink nipple and he felt the other man arch into him as he sucked and teased.  “Yuuri!” he cried softly.

 

Yuuri rose up on his hands and reached over to the drawer to grab the lube.  He didn’t want to risk anything that might trigger Victor no matter how confident he seemed to want this.  He warmed the lube in his hands then smoothed it over the surface of Victor’s length.  He heard Victor’s soft cry.  Yuuri lined his own length along Victor’s grabbing hold of both even as he reached for Victor’s hand to join them.  “Together,” he murmured.  They were soon rocking into their joined touch, Victor’s pink lips parted as the pleasure built up.  It had been over two months since they last touched one another in this way and Yuuri could feel his control slipping.  “Vitya…”

 

“I know, Yuuri...I’m close, too!”  And then he released onto his belly followed soon by Yuuri at the sight.

 

As Yuuri’s breath settled, he reached over for a wipe, cleaning his lover up first before seeing to himself.  “Do you want your clothes?”

 

Victor stretched out, his body relaxed now.  “Maybe my briefs.”

 

Yuuri reached down and tossed him the skimpy undies and then picked up his own boxer briefs.  Soon Yuuri was back in bed wrapping his arms around Victor, pulling him into his embrace.  “Good night, sweet Vitya,” he murmured as he pressed a kiss against his forehead.

 

“Good night, Yuuchan,” he sighed, his arms wrapped around Yuuri’s waist, head settled onto his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five more chapters left!


	61. Heal Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With almost two months to prepare for Worlds, they decide to reinvent Victor’s image to be revealed at Worlds. This is all of the sappy fluff these boys deserve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my readers/editors/friends BluSkates and Magrathea. I know we are bittersweet about this one. All I have left to write is the Afterwards. As for the rest of you, four more chapters left!

* * *

 

[ Heal Me ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PDNqqzOnGY)

 

Victor’s eyes opened to sunshine pouring through the windows and he smiled because beside him, his Yuuri slept, his snores coming in a soft rhythm.  Victor turned and stretched, wrapping his long form next to the older man.  His future stretched out before him and he felt so much hope.   _Yuuri.  My Yuuri.  My future._

 

Snuggling into the sleeping form, he felt Yuuri’s arm wrap around him, rousing enough to tighten his hold.  In his sleep, he murmured, “Vitya,” which shot a curl of excitement through the younger man.   _Even in his dreams, I’m in his thoughts._  Victor felt the warmth of happiness in the moment.  Resting in Yuuri’s arms, he was reluctant to rise, lingering and relishing in the comfort of the man next to him.

 

Yuuri slowly came to consciousness, a smile touching his lips as he realized he wasn’t alone and his Victor was in his arms.  “You’re here,” he murmured sleepily.

 

Victor nodded, dipping in for a soft early morning kiss.  “I never want to be anywhere else,” he breathed into those lips and Yuuri swallowed them down, his fingers sliding over the surface of Victor’s skin.

 

“Can we make love?” the older man whispered.

 

“Please,” Victor responded, pressing his body closer.  “I want to feel all of you.”

 

Yuuri leaned in, capturing his lover’s lips in a slow kiss, soft and tender, his tongue licking around the edge of Victor’s teeth.  Victor turned onto his back, his legs parting to draw Yuuri to him.  Yuuri eased himself into the invitation.  “I...umm, are you sure?”

 

“All of you,” Victor murmured once more.  He arched into Yuuri’s fingers, feeling the touch slide down his his stomach.  Closing his eyes, he listened to Yuuri’s breath, uncertain tremors in the airflow, echoing against the beat of his own heart.  “My sweet Yuuri,” he murmured.  “Don’t be afraid to touch me.  I’m yours.”  He opened his eyes and caught the parted lips.  

 

Yuuri’s hands hesitated along the elastic of Victor’s briefs, but the younger man lifted his hips to invite their removal.  Yuuri slipped them over Victor’s hips, moving them down the wonderful slender legs and dropping them to the floor.  When he returned between the younger man’s legs, he too was naked.  Lowering his lips, he tasted Victor’s desire already starting to bead up at the head.  His tongue teased, sliding around the corona before sucking the tip between his lips, shallow movements earning him soft moans.  Victor’s sighed breathlessly, hips lifting slightly before he forced himself back down in the mattress.  Yuuri dipped lower, sucking him down deeper, the moan Victor released no longer soft but needy.  

 

The older man pulled off of him and he rose up on his knees catching Victor’s half lidded blue eyes following him as he climbed towards the drawer.  He returned with the condom and lube.  He knew better what he liked, how things should feel.  He knew Victor’s touch and understood his own body better because of that.  And somehow, that made making love to Victor less scary because...he wanted to make Victor feel all of the things that he felt.  He wanted to take Victor to the heights that he had experienced.  He hesitated, though, looking for permission.  Victor nodded.  “Please, Yuuri.  Let me know you.  This way.”

 

He warmed the lubricant in between his fingers before circling the younger man’s entrance watching for any negative reaction.  The last man who had touched him so intimately betrayed that trust.  Yuuri would never betray that trust.  He treasured this man.  And suddenly, he needed to kiss him, to feel the other man’s tongue.  Climbing up Victor’s body, he sought those lips and as Victor opened his mouth to him. Yuuri’s finger slowly sank into Victor, tasting the other man’s hungry moan on his lips.

 

They continued to trade shallow kisses, swallowing one another’s breaths as Yuuri’s finger continued to tease him from within.  “Please...more…” Victor begged softly, pressing himself into the finger.  Yuuri teased the entrance with another finger and watched Victor open his mouth accepting the extra finger along side the first.  Yuuri returned to the kisses, softly opening the other man up, enjoying each tease of the tongue.  Victor’s fingers fluttered down Yuuri’s back and up his side making slow circles before one set of long fingers threaded into Yuuri’s hair, deepening the kiss as Yuuri added a third finger, opening Victor to accept him.  

 

They remained like that for an eternity and for a moment, time ceasing to hold meaning until Victor whined against Yuuri’s ear, “I need you.  All of you.  Now, Yuuri.”

 

Pulling his fingers free, he reached for the condom rolling it into place.  Victor watched his movements, spreading his legs wide to receive the older man into him.  “I hope you will only know love from me,” Yuuri murmured as he lined up with Victor’s entrance, slowly moving into him.  “I only ever intend to give you love.”

 

“My Yuuri,” he called out softly as Yuuri settled down within him.  Those fingers fluttered up and down Yuuri’s back before settling on Yuuri’s ass.  Squeezing and massaging the muscles, Victor lifted his hips impatiently.  Yuuri chuckled softly, taking those lips once more before he began slow, shallow movements, steadily building depth and speed.  “Yuuri... _lyubov moya...dorogoy_...Yuuchan…darling...sweet, sweet Yuuri...”  His murmurs faded between languages as Yuuri gave himself to the younger man.  He could feel the build, the heat in his stomach sliding south.  “Yuuri...please...please...I n-need…”

 

“I know, love...I’ve got you…”  Yuuri’s hand reached between them...pulling Victor’s orgasm with each firm stroke.  “Come for me, love.  Only me…”

 

“Yuuri!” he cried spilling between the older man’s fingers, his tightening walls vibrating through Yuuri.  

 

Yuuri rode out his orgasm stroke for stroke before dropping his head down onto Victor’s shoulder.  “My beautiful Vitya...my one and only.”

 

As Victor’s breathing calmed, he tangled his fingers into Yuuri’s hair.  “I wish...I wish I could say that.  I would love it if you were my one and only.”

 

“I am yours...and you are mine.  That’s all that matters.  There is no one else.”

 

“No one else.  I only have love for you.”

 

“Same...only for you.”

 

* * *

  


The next two months were full of the necessary activities to prepare for Worlds.  Practice, pushing their bodies, preparing the final touches on their programs, adjusting choreography to squeeze out a fraction of a point here, another point there.  Mentally, they both went to see their psychiatrists working on their own struggles.  Yuuri’s medication was tweaked once more and Yuuri submitted the updated paperwork to the JSF and ISU making sure all was in order.  Victor’s clearance for competition was submitted.  Yakov reviewed video of Victor’s practices; Ciao Ciao reviewed Yuuri’s.  Everything was coming together when Victor came to settle in front of Yuuri.

 

“I want...I need to own my new appearance.  Before I had a more feminine appearance and I was fine with it.  I embraced it.  I want..we need to go shopping, Yuuri.  I need to adjust my wardrobe and new image.”

 

“What do you have in mind?”

 

“I want to be seen as strong and masculine.  Still artistic and creative, but with a stronger edge to it.  Can we go to Fukuoka?”

 

Yuuri frowned thoughtfully.  “We could...or perhaps...why don’t we go to Tokyo?  We can fly out from there to Worlds in Boston.  I’m sure that Grandfather will let us use his flat.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened.  “I would love that.  And maybe we can look at that school I wanted to consider while there.”

 

“Then it sounds like we have a plan.  Let me contact Grandfather and make the arrangements.  You go pack.  Make sure you pack what you need for Worlds.”

 

Victor was practically bouncing on his feet in excitement.  “Thank you, Yuuri!”  He skipped out of the room while Yuuri pulled out his phone and made the call.  The last few weeks had been some of the hardest and happiest in his life.  Anything that brought a smile to Victor’s lips was well worth it.

 

He had arrangements made for travel within the hour, a flight set for that evening, and ice time setup at a Tokyo skate club.  Victor brought his luggage to sit next to Yuuri’s.  They decided to spend the afternoon before leaving with Makkachin since she’d be staying with family.

 

“Two weeks away from Makka,” Victor lamented.

 

“We could take her, but the trip to Boston would be hard on her.  Especially after a trip to Tokyo.”

 

“No...it would be better if she stayed.  I know your family will take care of her.”

 

“ _Our_ family,” Yuuri corrected warmly.

 

Victor’s face lit up.  “ _Our_ family,” he repeated, dipping into Yuuri’s space, head resting on Yuuri’s shoulder.  “I could definitely get used to this life.”

 

“Good,” murmured Yuuri.  “Because I want you here.”

 

* * *

  
  


Tokyo.  They stood in the menswear store and Yuuri watched Victor shop with surprisingly efficient movements, selecting and discarding until he narrowed down his taste.  The staff realized he was doing a generous wardrobe selection and he had three salesmen working with him.  “I want to build a base wardrobe, but for now, I’m looking for key pieces that will get me through Worlds.”

 

“So a formal outfit.  You will wear your team jacket for interviews with sponsor’s logos.”

 

“I agree.  But I think I’d like to pair it with slacks.  I’m not a boy anymore.  I want to dress to be taken seriously.”

 

Yuuri frowned thoughtfully.  “I tend to go with something like a sweater and slacks for interviews.”

 

“Something like your sexy librarian look?” Victor asked, his eyes teasing.

 

“Maybe not to that extreme.  But yeah, something like that.”

 

“Hmmm...I like sweaters and soft fabrics.”

 

“I know you are trying to craft a specific image to your new look, but rather than recreate yourself, why not _be_ yourself.  Choose what you like, what represents you, what makes you comfortable.  That’s what I do.”

 

“And...you are beautiful,” Victor murmured, smiling when Yuuri coughed and sputtered, hiding his red face in his hands.

 

In the end, they roamed through shops.  Victor pulled casual pieces, seeming to lean towards [ stripes ](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/77/44/2a/77442a60b1d44d6afe5966b6816986f4.jpg) and [ geometric ](https://ae01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1KYc4LVXXXXb6XXXXq6xXFXXXg/2016-Fashion-mens-long-sleeve-polo-shirt-Slim-polo-men-Casual-Tops-Tees-Cotton-polos.jpg_640x640.jpg) designs for his shirts, faded and distressed jeans, and shoes that slip on with ease.  He loved leathers and selected a variety of belts, loafers, and accessories before he settled on a few pieces.  He found a combination that melded his casual relaxed style with something slightly dressier for press conferences, mixing and matching casual [ jacket ](https://i.pinimg.com/236x/d6/80/fc/d680fc6f52f35af6c90d1bb8b2b6681e--mens-sweatshirts-mens-hoodies.jpg) s with a simple shirt and tie or a striped shirt with a lightweight [ blazer ](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/b3/cb/68/b3cb6831c2d42fb3c4571e8362234feb--stylish-men-men-casual.jpg) .  For his dressier pieces, he chose suits with solid structure, nice coats (It was March and thus on sale), and even a shirt that [ draped ](https://www.aflacum.ro/images/photo_galleries/large/20101/imbracaminte-barbati.jpg) , a nod to who he was but upgraded to who he is now.  Then, he insisted Yuuri buy a suit as well.  The older man settled on a grey lightly structured suit with a blue pocket [ square ](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/fd/1b/5e/fd1b5e83db9c1d18411c385b66ad46b1.jpg).

 

Newly adorned, Victor felt more prepared to tour [ Bunka Fashion College ](http://www.bunka-fc.ac.jp/en/) .  Rated third in the world, he really wanted to consider this option if he could meet the entrance requirements.  He loved the campus tour, asking a number of interested questions and discussing his future goals of designing costumes for dance and skating.  Finally, he left with an [ application ](http://www.bunka-fc.ac.jp/en/applications.pdf)in hand.

 

As they settled down at a coffee shop, he looked over the requirements.  “I have to go to a Japanese Language School.”

 

Yuuri smiled, not surprised.  They had discussed this.  Sipping his tea, he listened as Victor started going through a mental list of other things he needed to do including pass the N-2 Japanese Language Proficiency Test.  “You were already looking at doing that,” the older man reminded him.

 

Victor hummed in agreement.  “I have enough school, but I finished my studies online and with tutors.  Do you think that will count?”

 

“Would it get you into a Russian university?”

 

Victor nodded.  “It did...I just didn’t want it enough.”  Victor clicked his tongue.  “I need to get my diploma and other high school records.  I left them behind.  They were with...Mikhail.”  Victor looked despondent.

 

Yuuri reached across.  “They’ll have the records with the school where your courses were affiliated.  You can get them without a problem.  Don’t panic.  Yakov likely has a copy on file.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t think about Yakov.  I wonder...what happened to all of my stuff?”

 

“We can make inquiries if you’d like.  After Worlds, we could take a trip up to Russia to close out any paperwork and gather the records you need.  While we are there, perhaps we can find out about the old apartment and what happened to the contents.”

 

Victor shivered, frowning.  “I guess...he’s dead.”  He studied his feet, chewing his lip.  Finally, he shoved whatever unpleasant thoughts were surfacing and shrugged.  “He won’t need them.”

 

“True...but remember his associates.  This is more than getting permission from the police.  We’ll likely have to gain admission from the family and the Bratva.  Let me do some checking through Grandfather.  You only want personal items so as long as they are satisfied with Grandfather’s truce, they may allow it.”

 

“I hate for you to get mixed up further with this.  I know you’ve worked hard to keep you life separate from your grandfather’s...people.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  “I’m mixed up in it.  But, I am not in so deep that I can’t untangle myself from them.  I think my whole family is more involved than any would like to admit.”

 

Victor sighed.  “I’m sorry.”

 

“It’s not your fault.  I was born into it, _anata_.  It’s something I accept.”  Victor heard the resignation in the older man’s voice, and he saw the frown form, then disappear.  Squeezing the younger man’s hand, he added, “Let’s go check out this Tokyo skate club.  We may have to consider it if you decide to go to Bunka.”

 

Victor’s face brightened and he nodded, following Yuuri outside.  They caught a cab and soon were at the rink.  “Oh, it makes me think of the rink in St. Petersburg,” he murmured, but a smile played at his lips.  “I think...I could like it here in Tokyo, if you were good with it.”

 

“I’m happy wherever you are, Vitya.  Just say the word.”

 

“For now...I skate.  And study Japanese.  Do you think you can help me get started in the language school once the season is over?”

 

“Of course.  An excellent first step.”

 

Victor smiled happily.  “I don’t think...I’ve really looked forward, past skating, until I found you, Yuuri.  You’ve given me that.  You’ve helped me see my value beyond the ice.  Thank you.”

 

Yuuri wrapped his arms around Victor from behind, peering over his shoulder.  “Anytime, Vitya.  I’m yours.”


	62. I Get to Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> World Figure Skating Championship!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the amount of love you put into this, BluSkates and Magrathea. I can't believe this is about over. Readers, I appreciate your loyalty through this story. Thank you.

* * *

 

[ I Get to Love You ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1mkYWkoXyo)

 

**World Figure Skating Championship, Boston, Massachusetts - March 28 - April 3, 2016**

 

Yuuri walked into the press gauntlett with his partner by his side.  They had somehow made this work, helping each other prepare for this competition despite all of the challenges.  The press rounded on them creating a buzz of interest.  Victor and Yuuri were both dressed[ business casual, ](http://image.dhgate.com/albu_432102778_00/1.0x0.jpg)declaring this isn’t business as usual, with the younger man in lighter shades of lilac and gray and the older in the darker colors of plum and purple topped off with a tie.  Cameras snapped.  Questions rang out.

 

_Nikiforov, do you plan to continue training in Japan this year?_

 

**We haven’t decided where we will be training.**

 

_Katsuki, are you retiring?  Will you be coaching full time?_

 

**Everyone is anxious to know when I’ll retire.  And frankly, I don’t know.  But not yet.**

 

_Nikiforov, why did you cut your hair?  Are you rebranding?_

 

**It reflects the changes taking place in my life.**

 

_Katsuki, will you be moving to Russia with Nikiforov for the next season?_

 

(chuckling) **I believe my partner has answered that.  We haven’t decided.**

 

_Nikiforov, Katsuki, is it true you are planning to relocate to Detroit to work with Coach Cialdini?_

 

(exchanging glances, Victor answered with a smirk)

**Ask the gentleman in the blue asking about Japan.**

 

(chuckles among the reporters)

_Katsuki, Nikiforov, are you a couple?  Is this partnership just on the ice or more?_

 

(Katsuki holds Victor’s eyes with meaning)

**I think I’ve made my feelings clear with regard to this man.**

 

 _Nikiforov, Katsuki, who’s skating to_ King _?_

 

(both men laugh warmly and Victor leaned into the mic)

**We tossed a coin.  I guess you’ll have to wait and see.**

(Victor finishes with a wink.  Yuuri smirks.  They turn and walk away dramatically.)

  


“Well?  Are you happy?”  Yuuri eyed his partner, an amused smile on his lips.

 

Victor grinned.  “We tag team well.  Thank you.”

 

“Trust me, I welcome your presence.  It keeps them from completely focusing on me.”

 

“Going in with a plan helps, though.  And...you look beautiful in this,” he added, stepping into Yuuri’s space and straightening his tie.  They knew this moment of intimacy was very public.  Pics would be flying through IG and Twitter.  Dropping their foreheads together, they embraced it.  This was them.  The world could accept it or be damned.

 

They were soon joined by Phichit and Chris.  “Hey, gorgeous,” Chris greeted with a wink.

 

“Where’s Lawrie?” Victor inquired glancing around.

 

“He’ll join us for dinner.  Along with Phichit’s new beau,” Chris answered drawing out the last three words with emphasis.

 

All eyes turned towards the Thai man as he punched Chris in the arm.  Turning to the others, a little pink dusted his cheeks.  “Well...you see...I didn’t want to say anything.  I wasn’t sure.  You know.  I’m not like you.  I don’t care about sex...it’s the last thing on my mind.  But...you see...he’s the same.”

 

“They are training together next year.  He’s relocating to Ciao Ciao’s rink.”

 

“Who?” Yuuri pushed.

 

“The Korean.  He’s even bringing his dog.  I hope you don’t mind.  I didn’t think you were coming back.  I thought...he could take your room.”

 

“Seung-gil?”

 

Phichit nodded.  “He’s nervous about shared space.  I suggested we have separate rooms.  Then we have separate spaces as needed.  He says he’s not as social, preferring his own space.  But...well...that’s okay.  Because living with Yuuri, I know I can cover for my partner’s quiet periods.”

 

“I can’t believe you kept this secret!  How long?”

 

“Well, we formalized it at Four Continents.  But you had your mind across the sea.  So...I just let you do you.  And well...I spent time with him.”

 

“You.  What does he do?  Besides skate?”

 

Phichit chuckled.  “Well...he trains dogs.  And writes poetry.  Plays a guitar.  He wants to teach...you know, after we retire.  Not coach but teach in a classroom.  And...I think that’s sweet.  All of it.”

 

Victor smiled softly taking in Phichit’s tender expression.  “You can’t go wrong with a man who loves dogs.”

 

Yuuri squeezed his hand and nodded.  “Agreed.  But...how does he feel about hamsters?”

 

“It will be an adjustment, but we are both willing to try.”

 

Both Victor and Yuuri reached for the Thai man’s hands.  “We’re so happy for you,” Yuuri responded.  “You deserve to be with someone that makes you smile like that.”

 

“Well...you’ve found your someone and so has Chris and Takeshi...so...I thought, why not...let myself open up a little.”

 

“They are adorable together,” Chris added.  “They rode with us from the airport and Seung-gil is quiet but very attentive.  So far...I approve.”  He looked at Phichit pointedly and added, “But if he hurts you…”

 

“He’ll have all of us to answer to,” Yuuri finished with a grin.

 

Phichit giggled, pulling them all into a hug.  “I have the best of friends.”

 

* * *

  


Victor was across the hall with Lawrie and Victor talking about how things were going and catching up on one another when Yuuri woke up from his nap.  It was the perfect opportunity to grab Phichit.  He needed a wingman.

 

**Yuuri/ Are you busy?**

 

**Phichit/ No.  Seung-gil is at practice.**

 

**Yuuri/ Come to my room.  We need to talk.**

 

**Phichit/ Should I worry?**

 

**Yuuri/ Get your skinny arse in here!**

 

**Phichit/ I’ll have you know I have a beautiful ass!  I mean, we all can’t compete with yours but still, I can hold my own!**

 

Phichit was knocking on Yuuri’s door minutes later.  Yuuri opened it, dragging him in and latching the chain.  Phichit raised his eyebrow in surprise.

 

“It’s to give me time to hide this should he come back.  Come here.”  Yuuri waved Phichit over to follow him.  Digging into his luggage, he pulled out a small box.

 

Phichit’s eyes widened.  “Is that…?”

 

Yuuri nodded, letting the younger man open the box.  Inside lay a pair of rings, snowflakes were engraved into the surface that created a complete picture when combined.  “I had them custom made months ago...when I decided.  I was going to propose at the Final...in Barcelona, but then all hell broke loose.  Now...I need your help…”  Yuuri began to outline the details of the proposal and Phichit’s part.  His old roommate’s eyes glittered in excitement.  The plan solidified, he escaped the room and returned to Seung-gil.

 

* * *

  


The day of the men’s free skate arrived, both Victor and Yuuri operated in layers of nervousness for very different reasons.  The short programs ended with the four friends (well five, once Seung-gil became part of their bunch) in the top ten.  Victor turned, looking for something to occupy his nerves and found Yuuri coming out of the dressing room, equally nervous and frazzled.  He stepped into Yuuri’s space and started tugging Yuuri’s costume in order.

 

“I love this blue on you.  You are beautiful,” he murmured.

 

“Thank you.  So are you.”

 

“Can I - would you mind if I fixed your hair?”  The younger man chewed the corner of his lip hopefully, his fingers clutching his sleeve nervously.

 

Yuuri’s expression relaxed into a smile.  “Of course, Vitya.”

 

Victor sat him in front of the dressing room mirror and took out the comb.  He hummed to himself as he began working the product into Yuuri’s hair to hold it in place.  With an expert ease, he trained the hair back into submission, his movements relaxing both himself and his lover.  He then knelt before Yuuri and raised his chin for the older man to apply his eyeliner and mascara, natural, just a few shades darker than his own silver lashes so that they didn’t disappear against his skin.

 

Yuuri’s steady hand with eyeliner was well known and Victor’s wasn’t the only pair of eyes that demanded his attention.  They finally broke free of the dressing room, costumes, makeup, and hair in order.  Show time.

 

Yuuri would be last to skate, and Victor was two positions before him, giving him time to tend to Victor before taking the ice himself.  Otabek Altin would skate between them, a strong contender from Kazakhstan.

 

Victor skated onto the ice, coming to stand before Yuuri.  “I’m scared.  Everything has gone wrong this year.  Can I skate this?”  The younger man dropped his chin, fidgeting his fingers nervously.

 

Yuuri lifted Victor’s chin, his eyes gentle, glittering with emotion.  “Vitya, _anata_ , this year was your fight to be free.  And you are.  Completely.  You make your own destiny and choose who you want to spend it with.  And not everything has gone wrong this year.  We found each other.”

 

“We did,” the younger man agreed touching his forehead to Yuuri’s.  “Thank you,” he added with a whisper.  “I don’t know if I’d still be here if you hadn’t stepped in when you did all those months ago.”

 

“And now...reclaim your crown, love.  I want to see you dance on the ice.”

 

With a quick kiss on Victor’s forehead, he watched the younger man skate away and take his position on the ice.  And in the four [ minutes ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZeVx_9au5g) , Victor skated his freedom stealing the hearts of the crowd and holding tight to the one that mattered. _I love you, Yuuri Katsuki.  You helped me to become king.  I can never thank you enough but...I never want to be with anyone else but you.  You are my compass, my lamppost.  You are my freedom._

 

He skated to the kiss and cry and felt himself enveloped in Yuuri’s arms.  “Beautiful,” the older man murmured.  “Simply beautiful.”

 

And the judges must have agreed.  Victor’s eyes widened as he watched his scores move him to the top of the boards.  “Yuuri…”

 

“I know.  But I’m not surprised.  You’ve become so much more confident over this last year.  You’ve truly reclaimed your crown, Vitya.  And in my world, you are truly king.”

 

The younger man blushed.  Then he threw his hands up to his mouth.  “Oh, you’ve got to get ready.  You skate after this!”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “On my way!  Will you greet me at the boards?”

 

“Of course!”

 

Minutes later, Yuuri skated over to meet Victor before he skated.  Lifting his chin, he brushed his lips against Victor’s before taking the younger man’s hands.  “ _Anata_ , this dance is for you.  Don’t take your eyes off of me.”  He broke away and moved into his starting position.

 

The opening notes to [ I Get to Love You ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1mkYWkoXyo) filled the arena and Yuuri began to skate his love letter to Victor composed months ago waiting for the right moment for Victor to read it.  His step sequences shouted surrender, his spins cried out love, and his jumps spoke of a promise of a life together.  He only knew one thing.  This man was a gift, and he would never take for granted the fact that he gets to love him.  Every day.  For the rest of his life.   _I love you, Vitya._

 

Skating to the kiss and cry, it earned its name because Victor greeted him in tears, wrapping his arms around Yuuri and covering his face in kisses.  But Yuuri wasn’t finished.  He dropped to one knee and held out his hand and Phichit dropped a ring box into the waiting hand.  “Vitya, my love, there is only one gold that matters to me today and it lies in this box and is tied to your answer.  I’ve loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you and I hope you’ve seen it in every action, in every consideration.  You are my gold, my prize, and the love of my life.  Victor, will you marry me?”

 

Victor’s eyes were streaked with tears falling without reserve, his hands over his mouth.  Shakily, he lowered his right hand and accepted the ring Yuuri offered him.  The older man rose up and captured his lips in a kiss.

 

The announcer states, “It appears he says yes, and this won’t be the only gold this family takes home today.  Yuuri Katsuki’s score of 214.23 has taken the lead putting his new fiance Victor Nikiforov in second.  Third place goes to Christophe Giacometti.”

 

* * *

  


After the medal ceremony, Yuuri, Victor and friends met with Mari and Minako who were going nuts over the engagement.

 

“Way to keep a secret, little brother,” Mari jibed, giving him a light punch in the shoulder.

 

“You can’t know everything.  Have you called home?”

 

“Your family is going nuts,” Minako stated.

 

“Sofu is demanding a wedding at the end of April or first of May.  Under the sakura blossoms,” Mari stated.

 

Victor chewed his lower lip.  “Could we even get a wedding together in such a short amount of time?”

 

“With Sofu, it is possible,” both Katsuki grandchildren stated in unison.

 

“But what do you want?” Yuuri asked, focusing on the silver haired man.

 

“I think...I would like to marry you sooner than later.  But...there is something I need to wrap up first.  I need to go back to Russia.”

 

Yuuri nodded.  They had talked about this and he already had a flight booked, lodging arranged with Yakov and Lilia.  “We fly out in two days.  It’s already been arranged.”

 

Victor’s face filled with mixed emotions but he wrapped himself around Yuuri.  “Thank you,” he whispered.  “This is important to me.  I need to fully close that book.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wedding in a month? Is it possible?


	63. So Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Mikhail declared dead officially, Victor finally walks back into the apartment he shared with Mikhail looking through remnants of his past life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm feeling sad seeing this story slipping away from me like losing an old lover. I have two chapters left to go...really one and an afterwards. 
> 
> Thank you so much, BluSkates and Magrathea, for sticking with me through this story.
> 
> Thank you to all of those still reading for staying through the end.

* * *

 

[ So Cold ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqSqwxJS7to)

 

 

Yuuri and Victor arrived in Russia a day after Yakov and Lilia brought the team home.  They were tired and lazing around the mansion when the couple arrived.  “Vitya!” the skaters cried in greeting warmly, their enthusiasm belied the fact that they just had just seen each other.  It had been busy with family and other friends, leaving Victor neglecting his Russian skating family.  He was grateful for the trip for more reasons than one.

 

“I can’t believe you’re getting married!” Dmitry and Ivan echoed.

 

“So when is it?” Yuri asked with a frown, arms crossed.

 

Victor exchanged glances with Yuuri before answering uncertainly.  “Maybe as soon as May.  We’re not sure.  We sent our guest list back with Mari and Grandfather is going to try to make it happen sooner rather than later.”

 

“You better have us on that guest list,” Mila stated pointedly.

 

Victor grinned.  “At the top of it.  You are my family.”  That statement only warmed Viktor to the other skaters more, loosened them up and soon he was overtaken, emotionally and physically, by their affection, and Mila’s surprisingly strong hugs.

 

Yuuri smiled as he watched them before slipping away to Victor’s old room with their belongings.  He unpacked and hung their clothes, glad that he arranged for Minako and Mari to take their skate gear back home.  They were on break.  Officially.

 

The clearing of a throat just outside the door caught his attention.  Turning, he met Yakov’s eyes.  “May?  Are you sure he’s ready for that?”

 

Yuuri smiled indulgently.  “I’d move heaven and Earth for him.  Moving a wedding date to suit him is far too small a show of my regard for him in my opinion.  But...my grandfather isn’t doing well.  He puts on a good front but I know...he’s had some procedures done.  He hides them from the family...well, everyone except Mari.  It is his wish to see me married.  However, even with that, if I suspected Victor wasn’t ready, I’d wait.”

 

“So he wants this.”

 

“Yes, sir.  He does.”

 

“He deserves to only know happiness.  That boy has seen enough pain for five lifetimes.”

 

“I agree...and it is my intention to see to it.”

 

“How much longer do you plan to skate?”

 

“Through the next Olympics.  Then I plan to hang up my competition skates and support Victor in whatever way he chooses to go.”

 

“You don’t think he’ll skate much longer after that?”

 

“I don’t know...but it’s his choice.  He’s been looking at colleges.  He wants to design clothes.  I think skate and dance costumes, specifically.  And we work well together with choreography.”

 

“Are you planning to be a choreographer?”

 

“Yes, sir.  I don’t know if I wish to be tied down to a single skater other than Victor.  I may change later on.”

 

The old man shifted, his mouth frowning thoughtfully.  “If you...choose to work in a skate training facility, you’d be welcome here.”

 

Yuuri’s lips parted in surprise.  “Thank you, sir.  I’m honored.  I...don’t know if Victor wants to move back to Russia, but if he decides to do so, I’ll be happy to consider that option.”

 

“He’s been through so much.  I can understand if he doesn’t wish to settle here.  I...only want his happiness.”

 

“As do I…”

 

* * *

  
  


Victor walked past the broken seal of the police tape, finally allowed in the home he shared with Mikhail since he was nineteen.  Yuuri’s hand rested on the small of his back, grounding him.  The silver-haired beauty went from shelf to shelf touching things, remembering.  Some things brought smiles but most held sadness.

 

The files in the office were gone, including Victor’s personal documents.  “Don’t worry,” Yakov reassured him.  “We can get those reissued, and I still have some in my files.  I’m just glad to see you looking past skating.”

 

“I want to be my own person.  I think I’d be good at it.”

 

“So do I.  We’ll get you what you need.”

 

Victor found a small smile and nodded sharply, contentment resting on his features.  Returning to the living room, he wandered along the shelf and stopped.  The photo album of his childhood still laid where he left it.  Victor pulled it off the shelf and brushed the dust aside.  Opening it, he found his favorite picture of his mother.  Yuuri looked over his shoulder watching those fingers play at the image.  “She’s beautiful, wasn’t she, Yuuri?”

 

“Divine...like her son,” he answered softly.  He was awarded with a wistful smile.

 

“I want to take this,” he stated firmly.  He handed it to someone...it could have been Yakov or Yuuri.  Both were there to support him.  He looked through the books, his fingers walking along the spines then shrugged as he walked away.  He loved to read, but these...were his.  Victor had a fresh start with Yuuri.

 

He hesitated at the door that would take him into the bedroom, his feet frozen to the floor.  So many bad things happened here.  He felt a hand on his back and looked over at Yuuri, his smile gone, even his frown stuttered, faltering.

 

“You don’t have to,” Yuuri offered.

 

Victor shook his head.  “No.  I think I must.  I have to see this through.”

 

He entered the space, crisp and cold, the lines of the bedding were in the perfect order that Mikhail demanded.  Victor remembered when things weren’t perfect, how he’d be forced to pay for it.  Turning from the bed, he allowed his eyes to settle on the dresser.  His jewelry.  Opening the box, he dug through the contents, a bracelet Mikhail placed on the wrist Mikhail broke for spilling coffee, a necklace that always felt more like a dog tag, past all of those expensive pieces and empty apologies given to him by the man who imprisoned him.  At the bottom, he found what he sought.  A simple but beautiful ring that belonged to his mother.

 

“This is mine.  My mother wore it.  She said it belonged to her grandmother and was a source of strength.”  He slid it on his finger looking at how the opal transitioned in the light, the white gold blending into the paleness of his skin.

 

He turned and frowned towards the closet.   _ Is there anything I really want from in there? _  Taking a deep breath, he went and opened it.  His old costumes hung towards the back.  He gathered them up leaving the rest.  “Yakov, can you take these in case someone needs it?  They can make them over if they want.  I just know...sometimes it’s hard to put something together.”

 

“I, uh, of course, Vitya.”

 

Sighing, he turned around taking it in.  “I don’t...want anything else.  The rest, auction off.  Donate it to a domestic abuse shelter.  Any money that comes to me from this, I want it to also go to the shelter.  Maybe...someone else can get out.”

 

“Are you sure?” Yakov asked uncertainly.  The apartment had some expensive pieces.  It was all left to Victor in Mikhail’s will along with some money.

 

“I only want...these things,” he said clutching the photo album to his chest with the ring on his finger.  “My mother’s things.  The rest...have too much of him in them.”

 

They walked out, leaving the apartment and its contents behind, Yakov agreeing to see to Victor’s request.  He was finished.  This book was closed.  His life was with Yuuri now.

 

* * *

  
  


They walked through the snow, the various headstones showing levels of wealth.  “We didn’t have much but it’s back here.”  He glanced back at Yuuri who held a bouquet of roses.  “I would visit her on Sundays,” Victor continued.  “I think, though, that she understands why I can’t come see her anymore.”

 

“I’m sure she does,” Yuuri agreed easily.  “Perhaps...we can set up a shrine for her when we return home...so that she can visit you.”

 

Victor turned to meet his eyes surprised.  “Can we?”

 

Yuuri nodded easily then shivered as a breeze carried the cold down the collar of his coat.  Victor must have seen it because he stepped towards Yuuri and tightened his scarf.  Taking his mittened hand with his own gloved hand, Victor led Yuuri to a simple tombstone.

 

“Mama…” Victor breathed, brushing the snow away from the top of the stone.  Kneeling before the stone, he traced the cyrillic letters.  “I want you to meet someone.”  Yuuri knelt down beside him and Victor turned his smile his direction.  “This is my Yuuri.  He...has been taking care of me.  He...became my safe place and helped me to find my feet again.  I’ve been lost a long time.  Now I’m doing better.  I love him.  I’m going to marry him.  And I do wish you could know him because he is kind.  Probably the kindest man I’ve met...although Yakov is close.  You left me with a good family.  And now I know better.  I’m with Yuuri now and he’s a good man.”

 

Yuuri struggled to hold his emotions, as he placed the roses on the grave with shaky hands.  His voice was unsteady as he spoke solemnly towards the grave, slipping into his native tongue, victor watching on not understanding but still understanding.   _ “ _ _ Watashi wa kare no sewa o suru koto o yakusoku shimasu. Kare wa watashi no mottomojūyōna hitodesu.” _

 

Victor looked up at him through his silver lashes and smiled.  “Thank you, Yuuri, for coming here with me.”

 

“We’ll visit every time we’re in St. Petersburg.”

 

“My friends...my skate family, they said they’ll visit in my absence.  Yakov has been bringing flowers for me.”

 

“I’m glad.  And I’m very glad we found each other.  Now, are you ready?”

  
Victor nodded.  “Yes, let’s find something hot.”

 

“Okay, sweetheart.  Show me the way.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation of Yuuri’s words at the graveside: "I promise to take good care of him. He is my most important person."
> 
> Next chapter is the wedding!


	64. Bridge of Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Victor marry under the cherry blossoms. How it came together so quickly involved Yuuri’s grandfather and many strings being pulled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The wedding chapter! I hope you love it!
> 
> Thanks so much to my friends, BluSkates and Magrathea!
> 
> There is only one more chapter...an afterwards...and it is going up as well.

* * *

 

[ Bridge of Light ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjWNckjaRWQ)

 

They stopped in Tokyo on the way back home, taking a day to look after some business in the city.  “We should register here, then we can have the ceremony anywhere,” he explained to Victor.

 

Victor frowned.  “It seems strange to have only certain places where we can be married but...I suppose it’s better than Russia.”

 

They filled out the paperwork and completed the rest of the requirements.  Entering their hotel, Yuuri pulled him into his embrace.  “You know...from this point forward, you’re technically my husband.”

 

“We won’t have the ceremony for another month,” Victor argued teasingly.

 

“The paper says today, though...husband.”  Yuuri watched the flush slide up his cheeks.  “And I very much want to make love to my husband tonight.”

 

In the soft quiet of the twilight, Victor found himself well cared for by his...husband.  They would keep that word private for now.  Just for them.  They enjoyed a bath, stretching out with soft lighting, music, bubbles.  Victor was cradled in Yuuri’s arms.  “I think...I want to keep this anniversary.  Something private, though.  Just ours,” Victor murmured, his fingers locking into Yuuri’s.

 

“Ours...just the two of us,” Yuuri echoed.  Victor turned in his arms and sealed the promise with a kiss.

 

Yuuri helped him stand up and dried him off with fluffy towels before wrapping him in a robe.  Guiding him into the next room, he called for room service.  Soon, they had strawberries and champagne, mangos and bananas, a dark chocolate spread to dip the fruit into, and chocolate dipped macaroons laced with orange liqueur or coffee liqueur.  Yuuri poured the champagne while Victor picked up the tray and settled it into the middle of the bed.  

 

Between kisses, they fed one another.  Between murmures, they sipped champagne.  Until it was abandoned altogether and the kisses became more, sliding back to one another’s ears, down the long column of Victor’s neck, over Yuuri’s shoulders.  They moved the tray out of the way, rising up on their knees to free each other of the fluffy robes, no other clothing hindering them.  Yuuri’s lips closed on Victor’s nipple.  Victor’s fingers traced down Yuuri’s spine causing a shiver to vibrate through him.

 

The lubricant came into play half way through.  While in Russia, they restrained themselves in a house full of people.  Taking his time, Victor opened up Yuuri, the older man becoming incoherent under his touch.  Victor knows Yuuri wants to watch him, though, his husband.  He propped his hips on a pillow as he leaned forward to capture Yuuri’s lips once more, swallowing soft moans and babbles as he reaches for the condom.  He finished preparing himself, and lined up with Yuuri’s entrance.

 

Holding Yuuri’s half lidded gaze, he pushes through the barrier and takes in the tighter channel.  Had it been two weeks?  Maybe longer?  In that time, Yuuri’s muscles had tightened from skating and lack of regular intimacy.  Victor had to slow his breathing down and take him little by little.  Finally he was deep inside, his lips finding Yuuri’s face, soft kisses littering the surface.

 

Their movements were luxuriously slow, taking all the time in the world, the friction excruciating in its pleasure.  Yuuri babbled softly until he lapsed into wordless moans.  Victor whispered words of love, kissing the man beneath him, enjoying the flush that covered his skin, the heat coming through his body.  “So beautiful,” he breathed, reaching for Yuuri’s length between them.

 

After that, it didn’t take long for either of them to climax, Yuuri coming first, with Victor riding the older man’s orgasm to his own.  As Victor collapsed on top of Yuuri, he felt fingers tangle into his hair, Yuuri’s words slowly coming back to him.  “My Vitya, my beautiful husband.”  Victor smiled as those words washed over him.  With all of his scars and imperfections, Yuuri never wavered in seeing him as beautiful.  He tightened his embrace and Yuuri followed, his arms enfolding Victor and holding him close.

 

Pushing back finally, Victor saw to the clean up of his lover, his...husband.  They still had a ceremony to plan but legally...they belonged to one another.

 

* * *

  
  


“Sofu, keep it small!  Friends and family only!”

 

The old man chuckled softly at his grandson and soon to be grandson-in-law.  “It will be small.  It’s behind the inn as you requested.  Only the people on your list have been invited.  I only asked if those were the only people or if you thought of any additions.”

 

Victor’s eyes scanned the list, the writing thankfully in English.  “We’ve forgot someone,” he stated.

 

“Who?”

 

“Phichit will kill you.  You left of Seung-gil.”

 

Yuuri frowned at the omission.  “Perhaps I’ll take a second look at the list while going through my contacts,” he decided.

 

“That’s all I ask,” Grandfather stated with an indulgent smile.  Yuuri could be so stubborn.  Often in the best of ways...sometimes not...sometimes just hard-headed.  Turning to Victor, he grinned.  “You’re going to have fun with this one.  Are you sure about this?”

 

Victor giggled.  “He may be stubborn, but I think...I wouldn’t have him any other way.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Their wedding was private, family and invited guests only.  No press.  No public.  This was their moment.  Besides, with Phichit in attendance, the entire world would be able to take a peek at the two men as they declared their love.

 

There was a casual elegance to the entire affair.  Yuuri met Victor on the wooden patio where they once watched fireflies and now the evening sun dappled through the trees.  The younger man stood before him holding both of his hands,  [ wearing  ](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/e2/99/0f/e2990f07931bb5122dfd6ee716f04f48.jpg) a jacket in soft pink, dark grey bowtie with matching pants, and white shirt.  Yuuri complimented him in a light grey jacket, dark blue bowtie and pants, and also a white shirt.  Their groomsmen stood in support wearing a blue striped jackets, pink ties, dark blue pants, and white shirts.  Standing with Victor was Lawrie and Chris.  With Yuuri, Phichit and Takeshi.  Three exuberant girls named after figure skating jumps bounced in attendance as flower girls wearing  [ dresses  ](https://www.princessly.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/e54b44b8d0417aeeb7e4f8b7c94ab956/i/m/img_9549/Princessly.com-K1003206-White-Navy-Blue-Pink-Sequin-Tulle-Flower-Girl-Dress-with-matching-sash-flower-33.jpg) in pink and blue.

 

They had written their own vows.  Yuuri nervously read through the words on the worried paper, crinkled and worn from handling.  Victor recited his from memory, his fingers sliding over Yuuri’s hands, his eyes holding Yuuri’s, speaking from the heart although he started preparing the words months ago when he first considered the idea of Yuuri as a husband.

 

Phichit’s sniffed and pulled out a handkerchief to dab at his eyes, glancing around to see that he wasn’t alone.  His phone might have shook a little as he continued to video the ceremony for fans.  As the two grooms faced the gathering and were introduced as husband and husband, he knew more lost it.  He rested his eyes on Seung-gil, stoic except...for a barely noticeable smile touching his lips.

 

Perhaps most would want a solemn affair with everything perfect.  Victor wanted warmth.  Victor wanted messy.  The new husbands scrolled through the pictures caught by various members and smiled, laughed, commented happily as they waited for the transition to reception.  The fact that Lutz sat down in the middle of the ceremony and began making flower wreaths brought a smile.  The fact that Phichit winked at Seung-gil as the two grooms kissed and it was caught in the moment caused Yuuri to grin.

 

The dance floor opened up, laid out not too far from where the wedding took place.  Yuuri had prepared the playlist with some input from Victor.  Yuuri and Victor danced...waltzes that made people realize why they were frowned upon at some point in polite history, tangos that showed passion as Victor and Yuuri shared heated gazes, and foxtrots...because they are fun.  They danced with friends and family, and at one point, Victor danced with Lutz while wearing her flower wreath and Yuuri danced with both Axel and Loop at the same time.

 

* * *

  
  


Phichit found himself once more in Seung-gil’s arms.  “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to get me in your bed,” Phichich teased with a wink.

 

“Perhaps.  It depends on my partner.”

 

“Oh,” Phichit paused, his body becoming uncertain.  He ducked into the bend of Seung-gil’s neck.  “I just...oh…”

 

“Only if you want to...I know it’s not your thing,” the other man stated firmly, his arms tightening on Phichit reassuringly.

 

“It’s just that...I haven’t…”

 

There was a pause in conversation as they continued through the waltz.  “Ever?” the Korean asked, his voice husky.

 

“N-no...I don’t...know?”

 

“If you’ve had sex?  Or if you want to?”

 

“The second one of course,” the Thai man answered, and someone who never is embarrassed, not really, felt heat rise up in his cheeks.

 

“It’s okay, Phichit.  We don’t have to…”

 

“I think...could we try?”

 

Seung-gil offered one of his rare smiles.  “Of course...but you will tell me if you change your mind.”

 

“I will.  I promise.”

 

* * *

  
  


Minako stood near the dance floor watching the two grooms dance when an accented voice intruded her thoughts.  “You’ve taught him well,” she stated.  

 

Minako looked up and smiled towards her old friend.  “It’s been a while,” she responded.

 

Lilia grunted in acknowledgment.  “He’s a good boy, our Vitya.  I’m glad he found a safe place where he can become himself again.  He was lost...for a long time.”

 

“Yuuri will protect that...his emotions for that one are strong.  Almost to the point of self-sacrifice.  But, I think something in Victor helps him to be more himself as well.”

 

“ _ Da _ , they are good together.”

 

* * *

  
  


Chris and Lawrie met the wedding couple on the floor, their dancing intermingling, trading partners back and forth.  Lawrie had Victor in his arms.  “You are looking well these days,” he observed warmly.

 

Victor smiled shyly.  “It’s been a long time coming.  But...I think Yuuri is worth the journey.”

 

“He’s a good man.  The best of friends.  And he’ll be what you need.  But Victor,  _ you  _ are worth the journey as well.  Remember that.”

 

“I think so, and I will.”

 

Next to them, Chris cuddled up to his friend, his head resting on Yuuri’s shoulder.  “You’ve got this backwards,” Yuuri stated.   “You are much taller than I.”

 

“I’ve seen Victor lay his head on your shoulder.  It doesn’t look awkward one bit.”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “No, I don’t suppose it does.  We...fit together.”

 

“Like Lawrie and me.”

 

Yuuri nodded, a smile touching his lips.  

 

* * *

  
  


The dancing broke up for the wedding dinner that was, of course, katsudon...because what else would it be?  Tables set up in the grass, chairs  [ wrapped  ](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/f8/ba/a1/f8baa161855950321273aa8474aa052b.jpg) in tulle and tied off with wildflowers, the center holding wooden  [ trenches  ](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/08/2a/66/082a6681f1a6370936227b166e5fd73b--rustic-table-decorations-centerpiece-ideas.jpg) full of greenery and flowers with white candles loosely organized down the length.   The  [ cake  ](http://www.tulleandchantilly.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/greenery-rustic-white-wedding-cake-for-fall-wedding-2015.jpg) reflected the rustic theme of the reception decorated with greenery and flowers.

 

The boys worked hard on their speech together and stepped up to claim the attention of the room with Takeshi, Chris, Lawrie, and Phichit lifting glasses as a dramatic tinkling filled the room.  “We offer this toast to our good friends,” Takeshi began.  “I can’t believe Yuuri finally grew up and got his man.”  Chuckles filled the room.  “Seriously, though, I watched these two on the ice over the last few months and if they dance through life like they do on the ice, their story will continue to be beautiful.”  Several  _ awe’s _ followed as Chris stepped up.

 

“Yuuri has always been the one to pick us up and set us back on our feet.  I don’t know where I’d be without him.  Certainly not in a healthy place.  Possibly not with my Lawrie,” he shifted his eyes towards his lover momentarily.  “It came as no surprise when he found Victor, seeing what the rest of us failed to see, and pulling him back to the light.”

 

Lawrie smiled, twirling his glass stem elegantly.  “A pair of souls I’ve never seen fit together any better.  You two will continue to support one another and make each other better.”

 

And finally, Phichit, who purposefully chose the last position to speak.  “I roomed with Yuuri for a long time and I remember the day he saw Victor for the first time, announcing at that moment he definitely wasn’t Ace.”  He waited as the reactions filtered through the crowd.  Of course, he had all the dirt.  His eyes rested on his best friend whose face now blushed pink.  “I didn’t know if he’d ever find the words to speak to him.  We ran in the same circles but it took years for Yuuri to finally find his words.  And when he did, it was, of course, as a helping hand.  And Victor was able to find his shelter in Yuuri like we all have from time to time.  But I think in this case, Victor rescued him right back just like the princess in  _ Pretty Woman _ .  So to the princes of this story, may you live happily ever after!”  Shouts of “here, here” filtered through as glasses lifted and they all drank to the married couple.

 

* * *

  
  


Yakov and Grandfather shared drinks and talked about the two boys tying the knot.  “Yuuri is good for him.  I have worried about him for a long time.  He just wanted love.”

 

“My grandson has always looked out for ‘lost souls’ as he puts it.  I tell him that’s not Shinto, but he just laughs.  Sometimes...he’s been hurt.  But most of the time it’s made him stronger.  Perhaps he was preparing for the day when he met his soulmate.”

 

Yakov chuckled at the familiar term, he’d often heard slip from Georgi, Victor…and even once Yura.  “Vitya is a romantic soul.  He’d like the idea of a soulmate.”

 

“I knew when I saw them together.  Yuuri, who never fell for anyone, fell hard for this one.  And Victor, he is a gentle spirit.  He will do well with my grandson.”

 

“I have to ask...because Vitya is like a son to me...are his...associations going to follow him?”

 

“He’s under the protection of my family and other, lesser organizations are aware of this...in no uncertain terms.”  A shadow passed the pleasant man’s face. Yakov had known Bratva before in his life, an unfortunate reality in any sport in Russia, but there was something more civil about this Yakuza...that civility belied the ruthless power to protect.  “But there is no expectation of his participation.  My grandson...he keeps his nose clean.  He’s not too deep and has no interest in going deeper.  They are safe.”

 

Yakov thinned his lips as he watched them dance together, that carefree smile that he hadn’t seen since Mikhail entered Victor’s life, that laugh drifting over the crowd like music.  He envied their youth but could celebrate their love.

 

* * *

  
  


As they prepared to leave, Yuuri found himself alone with his sister.  “Are you nervous?”

 

Yuuri laughed but ducked his chin.  “Maybe...a little.”

 

“Why?” she asked pointedly.  “It’s not like it’s the first time you’ve had sex with the man.  We all know.  You aren’t the quietest in bed.”

 

“Mariiii!” he cried out covering his face.  

 

She chuckled and pulled him into a side hug.  “It’ll be fine.  You know it will.”

 

* * *

  
  


In the other room, Victor sat with Hiroko having a similar conversation.  “Are you nervous?”

 

“Only a little.  The last man I lived with was...not so good to me.”

 

“You know Yuuri.  He will treat you well...and besides, you two have been living together practically since you came to us.”

 

“I suppose...off and on.  What if we crowd each other?”

 

“Then you will talk about what you need.  Talking is important.  And if you need a place that is just yours, claim it and let him know.  Sometimes we need quiet places of our own.”

 

“And that’s okay?”

 

She nodded, her warmth reassuring him.  “Just talk about it.  Yuuri was raised well...he’ll respect your space.”

 

* * *

  
  


Toshiya met Yuuri at the entrance, watching his son slide on his shoes while he waited for Victor to join him.  “He’s got a gentle spirit, Yuuri.  He’s not like your mother.  Always keep your words easy.”

 

“I will, Papa.  He’s sensitive...but he’s much stronger than people realize.  He’s not afraid to assert himself.  Not anymore.”

 

“Good.  I worried when he first came to us.  I thought...he’d blow away, he’d be crushed by the weight of your emotions.”

 

“I know...and perhaps he almost was.  But then I realized he needed a lighter touch.  I think...we’ll be okay.”

 

The older man chuckled.  “You’ll do fine.  You already do well together.”

 

Yuuri smiled, then brightened as his eyes looked past his father to rest on his husband.  “Are you ready?”

 

Victor nodded, taking Yuuri’s offered hand.

 

* * *

  
  


The boys spent their wedding night in their apartment for the first time...attached to Minako’s studio, they were excited to have their own place and had spent more time planning and furnishing the apartment than in the planning of their wedding.  Really, they only had a few decisions to make for the wedding.  Most was taken care of and put in motion while they were in Russia, by a very excited Grandfather, who realized too late in life that his true calling was wedding planning.

 

Their open living, dining, kitchen space was  [ decorated  ](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/64/6f/8f/646f8fd541f46241c7eee933ba4ad5fc.jpg) in blues, pinks, and woodsy gray browns.  Victor wanted softer lines to counteract the hard modern interiors he lived with in St. Petersburg.  Yuuri wanted connections to natural materials.  The  [ bedroom  ](https://i.pinimg.com/736x/e3/81/ff/e381ffcef33b9579a68f74c61a78e2ce--grey-bedrooms-small-bedrooms.jpg) was much more intimate with stormy blues and grays in their color scheme.

 

Yuuri scooped Victor up and carried him into the space as the younger man giggled in his arms.  “You are such a dork, sometimes!”

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “You are, in essence, my bride and I want you to have the whole experience.”

 

Regaining his feet, he removed the wildflower wreath and placed it on the counter, his fingers lingering with a touch of sadness.  “I wish they didn’t fade so quickly.”

 

“I know...but we won’t fade.  Come, Vitya, let me make love to my husband.”  He offered his hand and the silver haired man tangled his fingers into them following Yuuri’s lead into the intimacy of their bedroom.  They had not slept here yet, sharing the tiny bed after Yuuri’s bed was moved over.  The softer linens, though, welcomed them.

 

Yuuri poured two glasses of wine while Victor fluttered about the room lighting candles, hanging their jackets.  Their ties were already loosened and soon discarded onto the dresser.  Belts followed.  Shirts come undone in the kiss, falling to the floor as Yuuri danced Victor over to the bed.  They worked the buttons and zippers free on their pants, allowing them to fall to their ankles where they stepped out.

 

Victor crawled across the bed, looking over his shoulder with a wink, having picked their wedding night lingerie, his in pink lace, Yuuri’s with a tuxedo motif.  Yuuri couldn’t resist the invitation and followed quickly in his wake.  Sitting back in the mountain of pillows, he guided Victor into his lap resting his hands on Victor’s hips, fingers curling around his ass.  “Well, sweetheart, I’m all yours.  What do you want to do with me?”

 

Victor chewed his lower lip thoughtfully, tasting the raspberries in the lip gloss, tapping them with his index finger.  “I think...I want to ride you,” he decided, lowering himself down in a kiss.  Yuuri responded and even as Victor pulled back, he chased after him with a whine.  Victor giggled.  “So impatient!”

 

Yuuri grunted in reply, his fingers reaching beneath the lace and squeezing Victor’s ass.  “Who can blame me?  You are beyond beautiful.”  Victor preened, his cheeks dusting pink from the compliment.  “God, I love you in pink!”  He leaned forward and caught those glossy lips in a kiss, deepening his claim, tongue reaching deep into him.  Victor was moaning, his hips pressing against Yuuri.   _ Impatience!  _  Yuuri grinned into the kiss as the thought struck him.

 

Yuuri’s hands slipped back into the lace, sliding it over Victor’s rear and granting Yuuri greater access.  His fingers teased the crevice up and down, his lips continuing to assault Victor’s as the other man pressed back towards those fingers in frustration.  He moaned in frustration, breaking the kiss and reaching over to pull the lube off the side table and dropping it into Yuuri’s palm, his jaw set, his frown shouting his dissatisfaction.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Not fast enough?”

 

“Nope,” he pouted.

 

Yuuri squeezed some lubricant onto his fingers and warmed the gel.  Over the past few months, Yuuri found himself taking the lead more and more, often spurred on by Victor’s pleasure and response, his confidence rising with practice.  His fingers found Victor’s entrance with practiced ease and it opened and welcomed him they were together so often.  He knew his body would do the same for Victor’s exploration.

 

Victor’s eyes closed as Yuuri’s fingers sank into him two at once.  The finger fucking left him wanting more, however, and soon he was telling Yuuri, “I’m ready.”  His hands reached for Yuuri’s briefs pulling Yuuri free, gliding his freshly lubed palm down the length.

 

Yuuri chuckled softly.  “And you call me impatient.”

 

“I want this...and so do you.”

 

Yuuri shrugged.  Victor wasn’t wrong.  He held himself in place for Victor while he settled himself over Yuuri’s length, eyes closed as he lowered himself slowly.  Once he was completely filled, he opened those intense blue eyes.  Yuuri’s hands now rested on his hips.  Leaning forward, he captured Yuuri’s lips, nibbling his lower lip even as he pulled back.  Yuuri groaned in response, his hands impatient on Victor’s hips.

 

Victor, his eyes laughing, moved slowly up Yuuri’s shaft before dropping back down again.  He continued the torture, slow rise, quick fall, watching Yuuri come unravelled beneath him, the older man’s fingers tangling into the sheets.  “Please,” Yuuri begged.  “Faster, please.”

 

Victor laughed softly, leaning down to kiss Yuuri, feeling Yuuri’s hands move to slide up his back.  Victor deepened the kiss feeling those hands of his lover kneed into his shoulders.  He kissed down Yuuri’s chin and along his jaw until he was nibbling at Yuuri’s ear.  “I love you,” he whispered.

 

Yuuri sighed but also bucked against him impatiently.  Victor chuckled leaning back and further back.  The change of angle brought a moan from the younger man.  “Shit, Yuuri.”  He devolved into a chant of  _ IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou _ as he began to ride that high chasing that orgasm.  “Please, Yuuri, help me…”

 

Yuuri reached down between them and freed Victor’s leaking length.  His fingers stroked him as he listened to the breathless moans from the younger man echoed by his own.  The rhythm was erratic, fast then slow, Victor leaning back to gain that sensation, his flexibility working in his favor and presenting a most beautiful vision for Yuuri.  “Come on, Vitya.  Come for me,” he repeated.

 

Victor came with a sharp cry, lost in the feeling as he came down.  Yuuri’s hands moved to Victor’s hips to guide his movements as Yuuri came within him, his moans sharp and then a cry of relief.  They collapsed into a sweaty pile, not attractive, spent.  Fingers reached towards one another barely grasping each other, Victor’s head somehow next to Yuuri’s feet.  Yuuri kissed his ankles.  “Dork!” he laughed as he pushed up on his elbows and looked back at Yuuri.

 

“But I’m your dork,” he argued, a grin slanting across his face.

 

“For now and always,” Victor answered, his fingers finally able to tangle into Yuuri’s, his expression soft.

 

Yuuri reached up, caressing his hand along his cheek.  “Always.”  The man before him was no longer lost, far from a boy.  Yuuri couldn’t imagine a life without him.

 

_ fin _


	65. Invincible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Afterwards...

* * *

 

[ Invincible ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQNqaERUYy4)

 

_ Victor and Yuuri skated two more seasons, both reaching the Olympics before retiring.  The next season Victor changed his message, skating to _ [ _Invincible_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAP9AF6DCu4) _ and _ [ _Fight Song_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc) _.  Yuuri skated to _ [ _Archangel_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJ-QLl5qjLg) _ and _ [ _Angels Among Demons_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xsz497IqoH0) _.  Victor finished with silver at the GPF, gold at the Euros, and gold at the Worlds.  Yuuri happily relinquished his winning streak to Victor and applauded his efforts.  They performed a duet during exhibition to  _ [ _ Stand By Me _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwZNL7QVJjE) _. _

 

_ The next season ended in Pyeong Change.  Victor skated to  _ [ _ Dark Eyes _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XM35AhEtB6M) _ for his short, and  _ [ _ Hallelujah _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulcIvIQ8LkE) _ as his final dance in competition.   Yuuri chose  _ [ _ Somewhere Only We Know _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATiJ7i8m8rY) _ and  _ [ _ Finding Neverland _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQe-YRjcLDU) _ for Pan’s last skate.  Victor took gold in the GPF with Yuuri sitting just below him with a silver medal.  The Pyeong Change gave Victor his Olympic gold.  Yuuri finished at bronze.  The press crowded in for their retirement announcement.  Victor talked about returning to school and chasing new dreams.  Yuuri spoke of choreography and supporting Victor’s dreams.  They performed their last exhibition skate in duet as well to  _ [ _ Can’t Help Falling in Love with You _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZkih54evUs) _.  Perhaps they would perform other duets in their future, dancing on the ice without the pressure of competition. _

 

* * *

  
  
  


Victor bumped into Yuuri at the kitchen counter where Yuuri was putting together their lunches while cooking breakfast.  Sneaking up behind his husband he brushed a kiss into the dark hair.  “I’ll be late coming home tonight, love.  We are working on our runway project.”

 

“Are you still building the outfits?” Yuuri asked, leaning into the embrace, but continuing to assemble their bentos.

 

Victor settled into a chair opposite Yuuri and shook his head with a smile.  “We finished the final fit for the models last week.  Tonight is a full dress rehearsal.  We are doing costumes, hair, makeup, music, the entire production for our teachers to critique.”

 

“So it’s a big night.  Let me make sure you have extra because you’ll skip dinner altogether otherwise,” Yuuri replied thoughtfully taking out more supplies as he hummed.

 

“Thank you.  I would have and then run out of energy half way through,” he agreed.  Yuuri winked in response knowing his husband well.  Victor smiled as the man worked happily to ensure he ate properly. “What do you have today?”

 

“The triplets.  Yuuko and I are considering moving them from novice to juniors.  So we are thinking about their junior debut for next season.”

 

“Tell me one of them is doing something from  _ Moana _ ,” Victor answered with a ghost of a smile. He laughed as he heard Yuuri groan. Victor offered an olive branch.  “After I finish the show, it’s just exams.  I can help out more.”

 

“Loop said something about  _ Moana _ .  Did you put her up to that?” Yuuri eyed the innocent look Victor was emulating, unconvincingly.

 

“Maybe,” Victor responded his eyes crinkling at the edges.

 

Yuuri chuckled.  “Then you get to help her with choreography.”

 

“I’d be happy to!” Victor answered, his eyes sparkling.  “I’ve got two more weeks of classes then three months off.”

 

“We have Yuri and Mila both coming in for their choreography.”  Yuuri worried over their commitments.  Victor, never wanting to say ‘no’, was happy to stretch himself far too thin.

 

“True, but then it’s just the girls and juniors has shorter programs with less technical content.  I’m glad, though, that I chose the school in Fukuoka.  We can stay close to family.”

 

“I would have gone to Tokyo...but we would have different demands.”

 

“Well, I’m not going into high fashion so Tokyo wasn’t necessary.  I’m more into smaller brands, like couturier.  This suits me and my teachers here are patient with me when my Japanese fails.  Now, about costumes.  Do the girls need me to start on something?”

 

Yuuri chuckled softly.  His husband would look forward to a break, only to fill it with additional work.  “We’ll talk about it during your term break.  Focus on your final review for now.”

 

“The show will be Wednesday.  I’m excited but...nervous.  It’s a different kind of nervous than skating.”

 

“You will be fine.  Phichit, Chris, and Lawrie are flying in to see the show.”

 

“I can’t believe they made time for this.  It’s just a student show.”

 

“It’s important to you and you’re important to them.  Let them show you their support.”

 

Victor blushed, finishing off his breakfast.  Before he could take his dish to the sink and wash it, Yuuri whisked it away.  “Train leaves in 20, Vitya.  Have a great day!”  With a quick peck on the cheek, Victor was out the door.

 

Yuuri turned back to the counter and caught himself in an eyeroll as he grabbed Victor’s lunch and chased after him.  “Forget something?”

 

Victor’s steps stuttered as he turned to look at Yuuri on the sidewalk.  Hitting his forehead, he ran back to Yuuri.  “What would I do without you?”

 

“Starve?” Yuuri offered with a grin.  Leaning forward, he kissed Victor properly.  “Love you,” he murmured, then turned Victor around and gave him a playful push.  “Train!”

 

“I know!  Thanks.  Love you, too!” he waved and ran down the sidewalk as Yuuri looked after him with a smile.

 

“This...is my life,” Yuuri murmured happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading my story and holding my sweet Victor and my courageous Yuuri in your hearts!

**Author's Note:**

> Have you read my other stories? 
> 
> Lifeline is into its third part but start here to read ["Lifeline"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10333895/chapters/22843178), which takes us down an alternate timeline of Yuuri going through rape recovery and Victor, his lifeline. 
> 
> I've also put ["Semicolon"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11200086/chapters/25013487) back up. In this AU, Victor is struggling with his depression when he comes to Yuuri. This follows canon timeline but isn't canon compliant.


End file.
